03x01 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, a little lower,
Geoffrey.

Geoffrey?

- Oh, hi, honey. It's you!
- Uh-huh.

[chuckles]

The kids aren't back from
the airport with Will yet.

Wow, in that case
I have an idea.

Ooh! Take no prisoners,
daddy.

[laughs]

Speaking of prisoners,
let's talk about Will.

You know, maybe Bel-Air Prep

isn't the right place
for the boy.

Maybe he could get more from
a different environment.

Mm. So could we.

Come on, I'll race you
to the Jacuzzi.

No, no. Wait a minute, now.

I found a school
that's a little further away

than we're used to.

How much further?

Switzerland.

Now that's settled,
I'll go fire up the Jacuzzi.

Back it up.

Philip,
how could you even suggest

shipping Will off to some
boarding school?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry,
you're absolutely right.

Will's a great kid,
I've even grown to sort of..

Anyway, I'm sorry
I even mentioned Switzerland.

- Okay.
- Okay? Yes.

- You're forgiven.
- Thank you.

Would you consider
Great Britain?

Well, a man can dream, can't he?

Vivian, I'm sorry, it's just
that it's been so peaceful here

since Will's been in Philly.

And boarding school's
not so bad, is it, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey went to boarding
school. Tell her, Geoffrey.

Madam,
I went to boarding school.

And then I went to therapy.

Who asked you? Get my lunch.

Right away, sir.

The man has a tapeworm.

Philip, when Will gets here,
please be nice.

Otherwise, you're going to be
bunking with Mr. Couch.

[scoffs]

[laughs]

Woman, please..

...do you think that you can
manipulate me with sex?

Ha-ha-ha.

Does James Brown have a perm?

[upbeat music]

Oh, Lord, I don't know
whether to dive

under the table
or do the running man.

♪ So back up bucko
or I'll pulverize McGruff ♪

♪ 'Cause this little piggy gets
busy and stuff ♪

♪Arrivederciheavens to mercy
h*nky tonk I get swift ♪

♪ I caught a Snuffleupagus
and smoked a boogaloo spliff ♪

♪ I got the nooks the crannies
the nitty gritty 40 doe ♪

♪ O-o-h ♪
♪ Where's my boogaloo? ♪

♪ I'm steamin'.. ♪♪

- G!
- Master Will!

Uncle Fink.

Will, it's so nice to
have you home.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some
B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your
auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Hey, Uncle Phil,
you look great, man.

Hey, you look like
you lost some...hair.

Looks like
the whole Jackson family

could live in those pants.

Daddy, that's how all the
brothers are dressing in Philly.

[scoffs]
No wonder Willy Williams
moved to LA.

Carlton, honey, what
happened?

Will told everyone at the
airport I was Bryant Gumbel.

I mean, I-I thought I'd get
my luggage faster.

Oh, you poor baby, what did they
do? Mob you for autographs?

No, five old ladies att*cked me
for being mean to Willard.

Hey, it was worth it.
We got the luggage.

My sister.

Daddy, I need $500.

- Will!
- Hil!

Daddy, I need $500.

Hil, you should
really consider expanding

your vocabulary a little.

Hilary, honey,
if it's for the barbecue

we're catering this
afternoon,
we have already paid you.

Oh, it's not for the
barbecue.
I just want $500.

Oh, come on, Hil, please,
at least kiss him first.

[beeper beeping]

- What is that?
- Oh, that would be Aisha.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, you're-you're
right,
Uncle Phil, wrong area code.

That would be...Stacy.

Vivian, tell me
that's not a beeper.

Can I have one, daddy?

When Jesse Jackson gets a
job.

Will, there'll be no beepers
worn in this house.

Oh, yo, what's up, Uncle Phil?
My mom let me wear it in Philly.

That's because she's your mother
and she loves you.

I'm your uncle.
I just try not to hurt you.

Come on, Uncle Phil, I need to
keep in touch with my tasties.

I beg your pardon?

His tasties, daddy.

You know, his chubbies,
his slimmies, his old ladies?

And who are you?

Queen Latifah?

See, look..

Just think of it as honeys on my
hip, Uncle Phil, you know?

It's like, I need to keep in
touch with my squaws, right?

See, otherwise, you know, they
get all frazzled and frantic

and everything. You know how it
is, right, Uncle Phil?

No, I do not.

Oh, that's because
you only got one squaw

and you'll never go nowhere.

Well, this one squaw says
take your behind upstairs

change, and no beeper.

And, Philip, how come
we don't ever go nowhere?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

What about my freedom
to express myself?

Will, back off, the big, fat
vein in daddy's head

is starting to throb.

Yeah, and he hasn't given me
my money yet.

No, come on, Hil, we cool, you
know, it ain't really serious

till his right eye
start twitching.

Okay, posse up.

And may I say
that if you go with our firm

it'll be the best decision
you ever made.

Well, enough business talk,
Mr. And Mrs. Cornfeld.

Please, enjoy the party.

- Oh, thank you. Call me Norma.
- Norma.

And you can call me Whitey.

I think not.

Oh, everyone does,
on account of my white hair.

- Oh, oh, the, the white hair.
- Yeah.

[laughs]

Hello. Welcome to our home.

- I'm Vivian, Philip's wife.
- Hello.

Vivian, say hi to Whitey.

Hello, Whitey.

Philip, why am I calling that
man Whitey?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, mommy.

and daddy.

Oh, look,
it's the entertainment.

Well, this, I think this is our,
our youngest daughter, Ashley.

Uh, she just had a
brain operation.

And her head's a little swollen,
hence the hat.

- Huh?
- Oh, very good, honey.

Ashley, what are you wearing?

Will got it for me in
Philly.
Ain't it fly?

- Switzerland, Vivian.
- Not far enough, Philip.

Ashley, go upstairs
and change right now.

But I like it.

And if I don't wear it,
it'll hurt Will's feelings.

If you do wear it,
you'll never see 18.

- I never liked Will, anyway.
- Hmm.

- Will, you must change.
- Carlton, you must grow.

Will, you better change
before dad sees you.

What are you talking about, man?
I'm making a statement.

What statement?
"I'm out on parole?"

Will, get away
from the buffet table.

Your jail suit is scaring
the people away.

With all due respect,
Hilary,
it's not Will's fault,
it's..

How shall I put this?

The food sucks.

Man, what are you talking about?
It looks good to me.

Uh-oh! The pepper's moving.

That is the last time I buy
sushi out of the trunk of a car.

Tuna roll?

Will, take off those clothes.

[chuckles]
Well, I would, Aunt Viv,
but I wouldn't want to

make all your guests
jealous.

Will, please, these are very
important clients.

At least take off that
ridiculous hat.

Wonderful party, Banks.

You really know
how to court a client.

Oh, thank you.

Um, this is my nephew, Will.

And, um, this is his hair.

It's a pleasure to
meet you both.

How are you doing?

- Hello.
- Call me Whitey.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna call you that

then you gonna call me
the other thing

and we're gonna be here
fighting.

Will, Whitey is the
president

of a very prestigious
savings and loan.

Oh, really?

Guess a lot of your buddies
wearing suits

like this now, huh?

Um, wh-why don't we
just go over here, and..

Um, ju.. Move it over here,
Whitey.

- You alright, Uncle Phil?
- Will.

You just insulted a potential..
Will, put your hat on.

You just told me
to take my hat off.

Put it on!

[beeper beeping]

Oh, that's me. Chill, fellas.
I got that right here.

That's Stacy again, sweatin' me.

You want to handle this one,
big guy, or shall I?

- Shut up, Carlton.
- Good call.

Will, I told you there will
be
no beepers worn in my house.

Oh, well, I-I didn't really
disobey you, Uncle Phil

'cause, see technically
we not in the house.

- Smog.
- Get rid of that thing.

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil,
what's wrong?

Do you think everybody's gonna
think I'm a drug dealer?

I mean, why wouldn't they think
I'm a doctor?

'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat
never went to medical school.

Will, put your hat back on.

I'm so confused.

Well, let me, uh, clarify it
for you, Will.

Get rid of the hair,
get rid of the clothes

and give me the beeper.

I don't really think that
Stacy's your type, Uncle Phil.

Do you think that just because
there are a lot of people around

you can defy me openly
and get away with it?

Well, I was kind of hoping,
since--

Get upstairs!

Uncle Phil, man, why you making
such a big deal about this?

Boy, as long as you live in my
house, you will do what I say.

Maybe I won't be in your house,
then.

Good.

- Well, alright.
- Yeah.

- Well, I'm out of here, then.
- Bye.

And what are you looking at,
Whitey?

[instrumental music]

Oh, I-I'll help you with those,
ma'am.

No, you won't, worm head.

And there's more where
that come from, chump.

[knocking]

- Aah!
- Aah!

What's up, man?

- What's up, J?
- When did you get back?

I just got back this
morning,
man.

- Man, welcome home. Later.
- Alright.

Jazz! Jazz!

- Weren't you just here?
- I've been gone all summer.

Isn't there something else
you'd like to say to me?

Now that you mention it, yeah.

You dating Whoopi Goldberg?

How about come in, man?
I need a place to crash.

Whoa. You got a place to crash.

A mansion with a pool,
a tennis court

and a toilet that flushes
without using a coat hanger.

- Not no more, man.
- Dang, your toilet broke, too?

No, Jazz, it's my uncle, man.
He kicking me all this
static.

I told him, "You can't accept me
for me, I'm out of here."

I'm with you, my brother.

So, I can stay with you?

No. I already have company.

What company?

Company with breasts.

Look, Jazz, can you ask them

to come back another time,
please?

(female #1)
'Jazz, I'm getting lonely.'

They're lonely.

Come on, Jazz, if you don't
let me stay here

I'mma be out on the street, man.

(female #1)
'Jazz..'

Sorry, my brother..

...but those are
the harsh realities

of the cruel world
in which we habitate.

And now, booty awaits me.

Jazz, man, if our friendship
means anything to you

you'll open this door right now.

I walked ten miles
and took four buses

to get here, now open this door.

That's more like it.

[screaming]

Don't tell me I can't stay at
your crib.

Well, we, we supposed to be
boys.

You got some girl up in there,
you won't..

Hey, what's up, man?

Dang, I thought I was having
a bad hair day.

Hey, you know,
you going bald, man.

You about to look like
my uncle in a minute.

I never had a dog, man, so..

You know, we going to swing out
for a little bit, alright?

You're the only friend I got,
man.

Oh, man!

This is a black thing, right?
You're going to pee on my foot.

Alright, you got that.

Damn!

[automated message]
'You are too close
to the vehicle.'

Who said that?

[automated message]
'You are too close
to the vehicle.'

I heard you the first time.

[automated message]
'You have ten seconds
to move away'

'before the alarm activates.'

Oh, really now?

[humming]

Ten seconds,
I knew you was full of it.

[horn honks and siren wails]

Shh! Chill, chill!

Who are you talking to, son?

Uh, well, ac-actually

I wa-I was talking
to the car, officer.

Oh, the car talks?

Oh, no, it's kind of fly,
actually. Check it out.

Check it out, check it out,
Check it out.

- Uh-uh.
- No, no, chill, no, watch.

[indistinct chatter]

No, no, wait, wait, hold it.
Check it out, check it out.

The car, it say,
"Move or I'll k*ll you"

or something like that.

Guess the cat's got its tongue.

Damn!

[automated message]
'You are too close
to the vehicle.'

[instrumental music]

Philip, Will's been gone
for seven hours now.

What if something's happened
to him?

Don't try to cheer me up,
Vivian.

Philip, I'm serious.
Do something.

What do you want me to do?
I've got Geoffrey out

scouring the city.

I'm terribly sorry, sir,
I've looked everywhere.

There isn't an ice cream
sandwich left in this town.

Vivian. Viv..

Ashley,
what are you doing out of bed?

I'm worried about Will.

Why did you throw him out
into the street, daddy?

I did not throw him
into the street.

Quite right, sir.
You threw him on the lawn.

He rolled into the street.

Daddy, we couldn't find Will
anywhere.

And sorry,
no ice cream sandwiches.

Shh!

Well, looks like you really blew
it this time, huh, big guy?

I just hope the Willster's
still breathing.

Will! Oh, honey,
thank God you're safe.

- Hi, Aunt Viv.
- Oh, you stink.

Boy, it's good to be home.

- Is there a problem, officer?
- Oh, oh, right, right.

Just 'cause I come in the crib
in the middle of the night

escorted by a police officer,
you think something's wrong.

See how he be trying to play me,
Fred?

Thank you so much for bringing
him home, officer.

Well, Will,
I guess I better b*at it.

Whoa!

- Goodnight, folks.
- 'Goodnight.'

What, I got a boogie?

Will, I am very disappointed
in you.

I can't believe the trouble
you've caused this family.

Your aunt's right. You've been
back from Philly one day.

You insult a client and you
storm out of this house

like a crazy man and worry this
family half to death.

And I don't appreciate
the influence

you're having on your cousin
Ashley.

He's not a bad influence on me,
daddy.

I have a mind of my own.

If that's okay with you.

See, see, look at that. It's
like you got her
brainwashed.

That's right, and it took me
13 years to do it.

- Dad, can I say something?
- What is it, Carlton?

You forgot the part
about Will getting arrested.

Come on, man.

Oh, y'all trying to play me like
that, right?

Oh, wh-what if he told you that
you couldn't wear plaid anymore?

Don't joke about that, Will.

Hey, and what if he told
you that

you couldn't entertain men in
the Jacuzzi anymore?

When did you have a man
in the Jacuzzi?

This isn't about me.
It's about Will.

Come on y'all.
It's about all of us.

I mean, look,
we-we're young adults here.

I mean, we have a right
to our own opinions.

Yeah!

Look, today it's my beeper

I mean, tomorrow it's going to
be who you can date

or-or how to vote,
or what college to go to.

That's such bulldoody.

Dad knows I'm going to Yale.

You're going to Princeton.

I don't want to go to Princeton.

Hold on a minute.

I want to know when you had a
man in the Jacuzzi.

Look, that's my private
life.

That's between me, that man,
and his video camera.

Vivian..

Look, Uncle Phil, I-I'm saying,
wh-what's the difference

between me wearing this
and you in the '60s?

You wore a dashiki and an Afro.

But I was making
a cultural statement.

You're just drawing attention
to yourself.

But now correct me
if I'm wrong..

But you don't think a six foot
three, 250-pound black dude

in a dashiki and an Afro
the size of West Philly

is drawing attention to himself?

Will, I am just
trying to save you

from going through
the same hassles

that I went through.

But I'm saying, why would you
want to?

I mean, look how good
you turned out.

Yeah, daddy.

He's got you there, big guy.

I'm with Will, dad.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Good.

Well, Will..

...I hate to admit it,
but I guess you have a point.

I do?

Just because you live
in my house

doesn't mean I can control you.

It don't?

So, you can express yourself
any way you want to.

Keep the clothes,
keep the hair and the beeper.

Knock yourself out.

Alright.

But you know,
now, I've been thinking.

You know, I have a, a need to
express myself, too.

Well, I don't know, Uncle Phil,
you-you might be able to

get one little twist
right here in the back..

[laughs]

No, no, no, that's not quite
what I had in mind.

You see, I can't force you to do
anything you don't want to do.

But these...are my kids.

So, as long as you keep the
hair, the clothes and the beeper

you're all grounded.

Goodnight.

Nice try.

Alright, look y'all,
this is a classic case

of divide and conquer.

Look, Malcolm warned us
about this.

Get him!

[instrumental music]

Hey, so you know, we're gonna

swing out for a little while,
alright?

'Cause you're the only friend
I've got right now, alright?

(female #2)
'Lift! Lift!'

'Lift!'

'Lift! Lift!'