03x06 - P.S. I Love You

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

- Hey.
- Hi, Will!

Hey, hey, how are
you doing, Lindsey?

Ooh, ar-are you going to
the Lakers game?

Uh, I wish.
I-I don't have no tickets.

Oh! Isn't that a
coincidence?

Here I am with two tickets
to the Lakers game

and no one to go with.

Well, you enjoy yourself
tonight, alright?

Oh, too bad you
can't make it.

The seats are
center court.

We can go in dad's limo.

And I have passes to the
after-game party but, oh, well..

Wait a minute.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Hold on, hey, who am I
to be so selfish?

Uh, what do you say
you, uh, pick me up around 8:00?

And, oh, uh, just for tonight

how about you let your buns
down? Alright? Alright.

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Geoffrey, you look great today.

Have you done something
different with your hair?

Yes, I stopped
pulling it out.

- What are you selling?
- Okay, I'm hawking candy bars.

They're only five bucks.

Marvelous,
with what I'm paid

I should be able to afford
one
by the end of the day.

(Carlton)
You poor, pathetic gigolo.

How could any
self-respecting
man sell himself so cheap?

Like I don't hear
enough of that from my
mother.

I was talking to Will.

Of course! Why would
anyone talk to me?

I'm but a poor, lowly servant.

Well, Carlton, I'm sayin',
what's your damage, man?

I mean, Lindsey
just can't resist me.

It's just a Laker game,
you know?

Eh, besides, you know what they
say about guys with big ears.

They can fly?

Vivian, I don't want to
talk about this anymore.

Philip, I don't see why
you don't want to run?

He's probably afraid
he'll cr*ck the concrete.

Will, the LA Political coalition
just asked your uncle

to run for superior court judge.

Yeah.

Those imbeciles are trying
to railroad

Judge Robertson off the
bench.

I can't believe that.
Wait, Judge Robertson?

They have the audacity to try
to do that to Judge Robertson?

Who the hell is
Judge Robertson?

He was your uncle's mentor
and quite a colorful person.

Well, he was a little
bit eccentric.

Huh, he taught me the true
meaning of the word justice.

You know, there were times I
didn't think I was gonna make it

through school
but he wouldn't let me quit.

I never would have gotten
through law school without him.

What did he do, have
the halls widened? Ha ha ha!

[laughs]

That's a good one.
That was a good one.

For your information..

...he taught me not
only the spirit

but the letter of the law.

- Whoo, God bless him.
- Hmm.

And I consider it
an insult for anyone

to try to get him
out of office.

What do you think, Will?

I think I shouldn't have never
said nothing about them halls.

So, did everybody watch LA's
favorite weathergirl today?

- No.
- No.

Well, I was the bright
spot, as usual.

I wore my new Versace. See.

So what's the weather
gonna be like tomorrow,
honey?

[scoffs]
What am I, psychic?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please!
Letmeget it this time.

Uh, Hilary..

...you look so
beautiful today.

I was born beautiful.
What are you selling?

Okay, I'll give you 10% off.

I'll take two.

[clears throat]
Master William,
Miss Lindsey to see you.

Miss Lindsey,
this is most inappropriate.

I couldn't possibly..

Oh! It's Ben!

Thank you.

Yo, Lindsey,
what are you doing here?

Will, honey, that is no way
to talk to your guest.

Hi, I'm Vivian, Will's aunt.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. W-Will,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Um, yeah, right this way,
money.. Um, honey, I'm sorry.

Lindsey, what's up?

I had a great time
the other night. It was
magic.

- What did you do?
- I'm talking about us, silly.

I-I-I didn't want
the night to end.

Well, you know,
nights do that sometimes.

Look, Will, um, since we had so
much fun the other night, um

I was wondering if we could, uh,
spend some time together.

[chuckling]

Oh, look-look, Lindsey,
I mean, I'd really love to

I mean, but I have obligations,
I have commitments.

I have a gold watch!

So, um, how about
a little thank-you kiss?

[chuckling]

Thank you.

[instrumental music]

Oh, yo, G, here's the whipped
cream you wanted for dinner.

Who said it was for dinner?

Hey, Carlton,
what time is it?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I almost forgot.

I'm only wearing the finest
timepiece ever made.

This gold model
was handcrafted in
Switzerland

by the finest of craftsmen.

Keeps time accurate to
within
three seconds a year.

Love the Casio.

Will, you're nothing
more than a troller.

A strumpet.

A love sl*ve.
Sans the love.

I'm sorry, Carlton,
I couldn't hear you

my damn watch was
just ticking so loud.

You just don't have the
fortitude to say no.

Carlton, please, I mean,
I have no choice.

I'm the chosen one.

I mean, take Moses, when he was
asked to part the Red Sea

did he say
"No, y'all build a dam?"

Vivian, do I look okay?

Philip, honey,
would you relax

we're just
having company for dinner.

It's not just company.
It's Judge Robertson.

He's done so much
for me over the years

this is my chance
to finally pay him back.

Baby, we're just
having pot roast.

- Is the judge here yet?
- No, honey, not yet.

Good, then I have plenty
of time to plant this.

- Hilary, what is that?
- It's a bug.

They gave it to me
down at the news room.

If I can scoop some dirt
on Judge Robertson

it could mean
a big promotion.

I feel just like
Deborah Norville

except I have a job.

Hilary, forget it.

This man is our guest.

Let's just show him
the respect he deserves.

Here comes the judge.

Here comes the judge.

Order in the court!

Here comes the judge.

It wouldn't k*ll you
to cr*ck a smile, you know.

Ah!

[chuckling]

Judge Robertson,
it's so good to see you, sir.

It's soeasy
to see you, Philip.

Looks like you haven't
stepped
on the scales of justice

in quite some time.

[both laugh]

[laughs]
Did you hear what he said?

He was..

Oh.. Oh. Um, uh..

I'm l-I'm laughing at something
that happened yesterday.

Oh, I-I'm done now. I'm done.

I remember you!

You're Carlton!

[both laugh]

I've known you since
you were yay-high.

Well, ain't nothing wrong
with his memory.

You got that right. Forget
everything you heard about
me.

There may be snow on the
roof

but there's still fire
in the furnace.

[laughing]

And hello, Vivian.

Philip, your wife gets more
youthful

with every passing year.

No, excuse me, judge, no,
this is my, my daughter Hilary.

- Oh!
- This is my wife Vivian.

You've aged.

And what the hell is
that you're wearing?

Why don't we
come over here?

Dinner is served!

Benson!

I didn't know you
were really a butler.

[instrumental music]

Boy, that Judge Robertson's
quite a character.

Hey, but, Aunt Viv, how come
he keep calling you weezy?

I'm sorry, Philip, that
man is beyond eccentric.

I asked him to pass the
salt,
he told me to go long.

Uh, he was joking, Vivian.

Philip, he broke a window!

He's a sexist pig.

Oh, Hilary, that's not true.
He's pro-choice.

Daddy, he said the only
choice
a woman should have

is with or without
the lights on.

Oh, see, see, now
that's disgusting.

The lights should be off.

Believe me, son, the only time
a woman should sit on the bench

is when she's waiting for a bus.

Oh! That's ridiculous!

And what if she's serving
coleslaw at a picnic?

Ah, point taken. You have the
makings of a fine judge.

[both laugh]

So, Judge Robertson,
you were telling us

about your
most recent decision.

Oh, yes, I had this boy
before me recently.

No preponderance
of evidence either way.

It was a tough call, but in
the end I had to convict.

Uh. How did you decide?

Well, you see the, uh,
prosecutor was a babe

so after I decided
in her favor

she decided in mine.

[laughs]

Ohh, Lord.
Look at the time.

Uh, well, judge, let me
walk you to your car.

Good. Maybe you can remember
where I parked.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

- Hi, Will!
- Oh.

Hey, Lindsey, how you doing?

Uh, Will, I was wondering
if you would like to go

with me to the autumn dance?

Uh, wow. Um..

Look, Lindsey, now, I mean,
you've been very generous

you know, but I-I just can't..

Well, look..
A motorcycle helmet, hey.

Hey, but, L-Lindsey,
I mean, I can't take..

Wow, a motorcycle jacket,
hey, with Malcolm on it.

I can ride and be righteous
at the same time, huh.

Look, but-but,
Lindsey, I'm sorry--

These go to your
new Harley-Davidson.

Now, what were you gonna
say?

Thank you?

Oh, yeah, right, like
you wouldn't take it!

[instrumental music]

- Will.
- Hey.

How did this get
on the patio?

Oh, no-no, don't worry,
Aunt Viv, I was careful

from when I drove it
through the house.

I mean, where did it come from?

The Harley factory.

Well, it came from Lindsey,
didn't it?

Now, what I wanna know is
what does she get in return?

Well, all the rides
she wants, Aunt Viv.

Well, you are acting
like a pimp!

Oh, come on. Hold it now. That
is totally unfair, Aunt Viv.

If a man was buying
a woman all these gifts

nobody would have anything
to say about it, right?

No-no, honey, it doesn't matter
if you're a man or a woman.

If you don't care for someone,
you shouldn't accept gifts.

And it diminishes you every time

you accept something
from Lindsey.

Now, you were not raised that
way, boy, and you know it.

Now, you know what
you need to do, don't you?

Yeah, put out.

I know, I know, I know,
I give all this stuff back.

And?

I got to be
honest with her.

And you know that's right.

[sighs]

If I keep the bike,
I'm a pimp.

If I give it back,
I'm adamnfool!

Ah, well, pimp it is.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, honey.
- Hmm, hi, baby.

Mm. Mm, mm, chocolate, huh.

Uh-uh-uh!
Forget it, honey.

At five bucks a pop,
I'm not sharing.

Oh.

I am so angry.

Okay, here,
you can have a bite.

No, no.
It's about Judge Robertson.

You know, he's sitting
up on that bench

for all the wrong reasons.

Unless somebody runs against him
he'll be up there for ever.

Well, who do you have in mind?

Oh, I don't know.

Somebody dynamic,
principled..

Someone who looks good
in a black robe.

Jesse Jackson?

Oh.. No! Me!

[chuckles]
I know, baby.

I always thought
you'd make a fabulous judge.

Oh.

You sure, baby?

I mean, this could mean
big changes for all of us.

I know, but it could
also mean big changes

for the people in the city.

Maybe for the better.

Oh, I love you, Vivian.

Hmm-hm, I love you, too.

[chuckles]

Get your hands
off my chocolate

or you're a dead man.

[instrumental music]

Here's, uh,
Judge Robertson at that

big student anti-w*r rally.
Remember?

He was the only professor
that had guts enough

to go up
against the administration.

- I can't believe it.
- Oh, trust me, Hilary.

He was a great man
and a hell of a lawyer.

No, I mean that those women
didn't shave under their arms.

Hey, hey, Uncle Phil,
hold up.

Who's that skinny, weird
dude
standing next to you?

Uh, that's me.

Oh, th-that's a relief,
'cause I was about to wonder

why Uncle Phil was holding
that dude's hand.

He'll-he'll be here any minute.

How am I gonna tell him
that I'm running against him?

I mean, how do you tell somebody
that used to be your hero

that he's become
completely incompetent?

Well, big guy,
may I suggest using flash cards

with really big pictures?

[doorbell rings]

Don't worry, sweetheart,
if he's the man

that you think he is,
he'll understand.

If he's the man
I think he is

he'll probably get lost
on his way to the bathroom.

Judge Robertson.

Thanks, Benson.

For the last time, sir,
I amnotBenson.

[British accent]
Oh, sure, right, right.

[chuckling]

- How are you doing, judge?
- How are you?

Well, uh, we'll
leave you two alone.

Come on, kids.

Goodnight,
nice seeing you again.

(Vivian)
Goodnight.

Mm, mm-mm,
not only has she aged

she has a beer belly.

That's my wife,
and she's pregnant.

Oh, then she should
lay off the beer.

Would you take
a seat, please?

Uh, Judge Robertson,
I-I hear that you're running

for re-election and--

And you want to make
a big, fat contribution.

Good, good! Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, make the check
out to cash.

In fact, why don't you
just give me cash?

Or maybe that ring?

[both chuckling]

That's good.

No, Carl, uh, look,
there's-there's something

I want to tell you,
but, uh

I can't seem
to find the words.

Well, where'd you
have them last?

No...I'm talking about
what's happened to you.

I'll be Frank.

Okay, and who am I?

No, look, what I'm
trying to say is

that maybe you've served the
community long enough.

And as your friend,
I think I should tell you

that, well, maybe it's
time for you to retire.

Oh! Me, retire?

Oh, Frank!

Have you lost your mind?

I mean, this is
cushiest job in town.

I get free coffee,
validated parking

I don't have to wear pants

and besides there's
no one to run against me.

- Uh, yes, there is.
- Who?

- Me.
-You!You've got to be kidding!

You don't know the first thing
about running for office.

I taught you about law,
not politics.

Look, the point is,
I'm going to run against you

and I thought
I should tell you face-to-face.

Oh, yes, well, let me tellyou
something face-to-face!

Iam a very
worthy opponent.

And I can see myself
on your head.

[laughing]

Oh, Benson, my car!

[instrumental music]

Ah, takes a licking
and keeps on ticking.

Judge.
Hey, what's going on?

Wha.. What are you doing
here?

I don't know.
Don't I live here?

No, judge, you don't.

[laughs]

No wonder the garage
door opener didn't work.

It took forever
to pry it open.

Uh, look, judge, um..

- Juice?
- No. No, thanks.

Look, um,
I got some problems, you know

I got to deal with
tonight. Eh, you know..

- Woman problems.
- Oh, women!

They've been a problem
ever since

they got the right to vote!

Look, sit down, son,
sit down.

Talk to me, sonny. Talk to me.

I've had my share
of problems with women.

[sighs]
Well, see, actually, judge

it's this girl at school,
Lindsey, right?

And she just keeps buying me
all these fly gifts.

So what's the problem?

Well, you know, I'm not really
attracted to her.

Sowhat's the problem?

Well, my aunt Viv told me
that, you know, it's not right

to accept gifts
from people that, you know

you're not really attracted to.

Look, son..

...I remember when
I was your age

there was this girl.

I didn't like her that much.

She was always
buying me gifts

dinner, taking me out. Ha!

She even offered to send me
through law school.

So what did you do?

Huh, what else?

I married her.

- Pie?
- Uh, no, no thanks, judge.

So, wait, you're just
going to tell me that

you got together
with this girl

and you had this long,
incredible, wonderful life.

[laughs]
I wish I could
tell you that.

But the truth is,
I dumped her after law
school.

Aw, I'm sorry, judge,
that's too bad.

Oh, no, that's okay.

We split everything
down the middle.

I got the money,
the house, the car, the boat

and she got to
keep the kids.

- Pie?
- No. No, no thanks.

So you saying that
you just kept all the stuff

that she gave you even
after y'all broke up?

Damn straight! Possession is
nine tenth of the law, my boy.

[telephone rings]

Yo.

Look, Lindsey,
I told you I'm busy.

(Lindsey on phone)
'But I'm in the neighborhood.'

'Really close.'

How close, Lindsey?

[knocking]

Princess Leia!

May the force be with you!

[laughing]

Uh, Will, somebody broke
into your garage.

Quick!
Call the police!

Uh, Lindsey, can I talk
to you for a second?

Look, what are you
doing here? Wa..

As if I didn't know, right?

- It's over, Will.
- See what I'm say..

- Yo, it's what?
- Over.

But-but why?

Why ask why?
Look at her.

I'm not attracted to you, Will.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Y-yes, you are.

No, no, I'm not. I-I've
never
been attracted to you.

What.. Then why did you
buy me all this stuff?

Well, you're captain of
the basketball team.

You're popular and being
seen
with you at the autumn dance

made me popular, too.
But now your job is done.

Uh-uh-uh!
Boy, that woman is ruthless.

[laughs]

Ever think about
going into politics?

[chuckles]
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I..

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm saying, Lindsey, I mean,
what about me, as a person?

What about the way that my, my
cheeks dimple when I smile?

And-and what color are my eyes?

Look! You're quiet.
You don't even know.

Who cares?

Who cares?

I feel so used, so cheap.

Well, you certainly
weren't cheap.

You cost me a fortune.

I want my stuff back.

Now.

- Wait, b-but, look--
- Now!

Shh..

You take this ring back

'cause my mother don't scream
at me like that.

Take this watch back and you
can take this jacket back.

Nice meeting you, young
lady.

- Be sure to rock the vote.
- Goodnight!

You know..

You know, judge..

...I never thought saying
goodbye would be so hard.

I really loved that watch.

Well, he was
a little eccentric.

But he traught, taught me that..

And soon
as I say let's do it again.

- He traught you?
- Yeah, he traught me.

- What'd he traught you?
- He traught me how to [bleep].

Oops.

- And let's go do this again.
- Damn!