03x07 - Here Comes the Judge

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

(Jazz)
'What's up, Prince?'

Uh, me and Carlton
are just checkin' out these

college brochures.

I've already set
my sights on Princeton.

It has a balanced curriculum
with the largest repository

of classical literature.

Yeah, well, I got my sights
set on this school.

With the largest
repository of girls

with the big ol' butts.
Oh, yeah!

Which reminds me,
I brought your CD player
back.

See, Jazz, now, this is not
my CD player, see?

'Cause my CD player has
the wires on the inside.

I'm sorry, man.

How can I make it up to you?

Jazz, how about paying for it?

Why would I want to buy
a broken CD player?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel Air ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ In west Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and
my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought Nah forget it
yo homes to Bel Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel Air ♪♪

[music continues]

- Hey, Aunt Viv.
- Hi, guy.

- Hey, judge.
- Oh. Now, Will, please.

I haven't even announced
that I'm running.

I don't think you'd have
to announce it, Mr. Banks.

If you ran,
we'd hear you comin'.

I'm running for
superior court judge.

He still could use
the exercise.

Will, Carlton.

I want you guys to be on
your best behavior tomorrow

and look presentable.

It's navy blue jacket,
gray slacks, power tie.

Whoa, Uncle Phil, y-you sure

you wouldn't want Carlton
to wear Aunt Viv's apron?

No.

Oh, Jazz, uh

I need you to bring over
my blue jacket.

Don't worry, man,
I'll have it back to you

first thing tomorrow morning.

You won't even be able
to tell I wore it.

Jazz, what did you do
to my jacket?

Hey, you told me
to get it cleaned

so I washed it.

I don't believe you, man.
First, my CD player, now this.

You make a doorknob
look smart, man.

No need to get testy.

At least I got out
all the A-1 sauce.

Whoa, hold up.

"Underdog's"on.

Excuse me,
but I'm watching "The
Eagles."

Well, excuse me,
but you once preferred

"The whimsy of a Yogi
and a Boo Boo."

Will, I hardly know you.

Will, put on your jacket.

We're leaving for the press
luncheon in ten minutes.

Hey, have you been undressing
my Teddy Ruxpin again?

Vivian, you look so sexy.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Now, go upstairs and change.

What, don't you wanna
project the right image?

Hey, I'm happy that
this fits over my belly.

Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

Daddy, I am a young adult
and I have my rights.

If you force me
to wear this, I'll..

I'll hold my breath
until my face turns blue.

Ashley, you're 13 years old,
you'll do what I say.

But that's not fair.

- Call a cop.
- Mommy!

Well, I'm ready.

I've been waiting all my life
to hear you say that.

I meant I'm ready
for the press conference.

You know, sometimes I lose sight
of why I want to be a judge

then you open your mouth
and it all comes flooding back.

Thank you.

See, Will, I inspire him.

No, no, not, Jazz..
Not now, Jazz.

Oh, no, no, you're on
the one-yard line.

Fumble? Oh, Herschel,
pick it up!

Well, it's painfully obvious
that my presence

is no longer required.

Here, Carlton.

Eventually you'll grow into it.

Ahem, excuse me, sir.

But how's your day
been going so far?

Well, wonderful,
Geoffrey, thank you.

Well, down the toilet it
goes.

Judge Robertson,
what are you doing here, sir?

Philip, it's good
to see you again, my boy.

How long has it been
10, 15 years, hmm?

We just had dinner
a few weeks ago, sir.

- We did?
- Mm-hmm.

Did I leave here
with my pants on?

- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.

[laughing]

Well, that means
you must throw a lousy party.

[laughs]

But enough about you, Philip.

Look, Philip, you gotta help me.

You're the only one I can trust.

I just heard that they found
someone to run against me.

Judge, we discussed
that over dinner.

I'm running against you.

What?

How dare you!

Get out of my house!

Out!

Lionel, show him the door!

[upbeat music]

Go, go, go! Ahh!
Touchdown!

♪ Ahh ahh ♪♪

- Uhh, uhh, uhh!
- Will, Will!

Put that thing away.

Oh, Uncle Phil,
they just tied it up.

- I don't care.
- Mr. Banks.

Yes.

This way.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to this afternoon's
press conference.

It is my pleasure
to introduce to you

Mr. Philip Banks.

[applause]

Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen of the press.

And thank you very much
for coming.

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to formally announce
my candidacy

for the office
of superior court judge.

Thank you.

I plan on restoring faith

in the judicial system.

And I ask you do you really want

six more years of the same tired
plea-bargaining?

Yes! Yes!

What?

Judge Robertson has been
in office six straight terms.

How do you intend
to break that streak?

Uh, by focusing on the issues
and not personality.

Once the voters see
where I stand

I'm sure
I'll win this election.

Oh, you idiot!

You don't even deserve
to sit on the bench!

What?

Oh, Judge Robertson.

(Vivian)
'I didn't know he had kids.'

He doesn't,
and that's not his wife.

And am I crazy, or does he look
ten years younger?

That's unbelievable.

[sniffs]
Is that brisket I smell?

[both laugh]

- Lovely family.
- Thank you.

- Who are they?
- Rented.

Judge Robertson,
how does it feel

to be running against
your own student?

Philip Banks is a gentleman

and one of the smartest
students I ever had.

A man who would bring honor
to the bench.

Don't get me wrong.

I want the job.

But I can't think
of another person

that I wouldn't mind losing to

but this man here.

I love you, my son.

What a guy!

Yeah, Mr. Banks,
what's your response?

Uh..

Um..

Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Banks, we're looking
for your nephew

a William Smith?

Oh, my God.

It's over! It's all over!

Are you Will Smith?

Uh.. No, Rahim Shabazz,
Muslim activist.

Salaam-Alaikum.

Will, what's wrong?

You're under arrest

Shabazz.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Sit down, Smith.

Oh, oh, okay.

It's like that, right?
Alright, that's cool.

I'mma sit down,
I'mma sit down.

Alright?
I'm sittin' down right here.

And you think that
just 'cause you got that badge

and all your tough cop
friends walkin' around

and your cute little
walkie-talkie

that you can talk to folks

any old way you wanna do it.

Well, I tell you right now

if you ain't have
all that stuff we'd be squawkin'

a different language
up in here right now.

What are you trying to say?

Shh, pshhh..

I think I made myself real clear

when I said what I just said.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Mr. Officer,
your stuff fell off.

And-and hip-hop cop.

Blue looks,
looks nice on you, too.

Match that big blue vein

throbbing
in your neck right now.

I'm Philip Banks,
the boy's attorney.

I'd like to speak
to my nephew alone, please.

What's up now, tough guy?

No problem, sir.

That's right.

I guess we told him,
right, Uncle Phil?

Sit down.

Sure.

Will, how could you get

$2000 worth
of parking tickets

when I told you to get rid of
that car months ago?

Actually, I did get rid of it.

See, I gave it to a friend.

Look, I swear to you,
Uncle Phil

there ain't no way
I got them parking tickets.

Look at the print out,
huh? Read..

"Snuffy's Chicken Shack."

"Big Ben's Barbecue."

"Alice's All-nude Revue."

What do you call this?

One hell of a Friday night.

Can I, can I see that,
Uncle Phil?

Wait a minute.

Uncle Phil, these are
all Jazz's hangouts.

He must have gotten
all these parking tickets.

I'm serious,
I'm going to k*ll him!

How could he go to Alice's
All-nude Revue without me?

Well, hello, Philip,
my boy. Welcome to City Hall.

Thank you.

Will, wait in the car,
and don't even

touch the steering wheel.

Yes, sir.

Hey, judge, judge, check it,
judge, check it out.

Look, brother ran into
a little misfortune, right?

I got, like, two grand
worth of parking tickets.

I was just wondering,
I don't know.

Maybe you might be able to
do

a little something for me?

I thought he was
selling condoms.

I, uh, apologize
for my nephew, judge.

And I hope this little incident

didn't cause
any undue embarrassment.

I mean, the press
is gonna have a field day.

Well, I certainly hope so.
This is just the beginning.

You know, I was browsing through
the police files and bingo!

Up pops your nephew's name.

Parking tickets up the yin-yang.

So I busted his bony butt.

Pretty good, huh?

Excuse me?

Oh, wake up, knucklehead.

You're in the big leagues
now.

I maybe old, I maybe senile

and I haven't been
able to find my car

for the past half hour

but I can b*at your butt

in a political campaign any day.

You're dead meat, Tiny.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[clamoring]

I always knew Will would be
the downfall of this family

but no one ever
listens to me.

What, honey, I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.

I can't believe this.

Will being arrested means

we're all going to be
investigated.

I mean, this is how they
knocked off Imelda Marcos.

I'll just die
if they touch my shoes.

I'd die if you
made your own bed.

Get off me, man,
just get off me.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

- Thank you.
- Will!

Oh, I'm so glad you're home.

Carlton said you were
probably doing 5 to 10 by
now.

Are you alright, sweetheart?

Yeah, I'm fine, Aunt Viv.

Well, good, now I can
break your legs.

Vivian, Vivian,
I'll handle this.

Now, we've to make
a statement for the press.

So, uh-uh, put on an apron,
grab the cookie jar.

Forget it!

And I ate all the cookies
before lunch.

Okay, okay, then we'll have
to grab the cutest kid.

Mm. Ah!

Ashley, you'll do,
come on, smile, sweetheart.

Let's go, Vivian, come on.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Man, this has been
the worst day of my life

and soon as I see Jazz

I'mma make it
the worst day of his.

Will, you seem embittered.

Jail will do that to a man.

Now, that you've done hard time

a book may be in order.

Criminals sell,
I can sell criminals.

You're a criminal.

Really, a-and you're too
short

to ride the teacup ride
at Disneyland.

Wassup, Will?

Man, what's with
all the reporters?

I ain't seen no chalk
outlines or nothing.

That's 'cause I didn't
m*rder you yet.

What's got your BVDs
in a bunch?

Well, for starters,
you ruined the most

important day
in my uncle's life.

Haagen dazs opened in Bel Air?

Jazz, I trusted you
with my ride over the summer

and you got $2000 worth
of parking tickets.

And you didn't even tell me.

You're right.

I should've told you.

Will, I got $2000 worth
of parking tickets.

Well, what do you plan
to do about that, Jazz?

I'll take care of it, man,
I promise.

Can I borrow $2000?

This is not a joke, man,
I trusted you, Jazz.

I trusted you, and you
got me tossed into jail.

Friends don't do that
to each other, man.

I mean, friends are supposed
to be there for each other.

Friends aren't supposed
to set you up to take a fall.

And most importantly,
friends are supposed

to be honest with each other.

And you obviously
don't fit that mold.

So, from this point on,
you can consider

our friendship over.

You're no longer
welcome in this house

and I'd appreciate it
if you just got

the hell out of my crib.

Ain't..

A-ain't you gonna
even bother to throw me out?

You're not worth it, man.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Will.

Hey, G, you want to
go watch some"Underdog?"

Why? Do I look like a moron?

[telephone ringing]

Banks' residence.

G, look, if that's Jazz

tell him I do not
wanna talk to him.

It's for me.

It's my accountant.

So what are you wearing?

Hey, Carlton, man

how about we sh**t down
to The Wing King, man?

And get a big bucket of
ribs?

Do I look like Jimmie Walker?

Forget you then, man.

Hey, hey, hey, Ashley.

Hey, look, I just got
the new video boxing.

- Come on, you wanna play?
- Sorry, homey.

Homework.

- Hey, Hil, you want to--
- No, Will

I don't want ribs,
I don't want to wax your
ride

and I don't even
know what a chumpie is.

Okay, alright.

It's like that, right,
it's like that.

Y'all goin' to flee me
like that, right?

My suggestion to you
my despondent, desperate

and ne'er-do-well cousin
is to make amends

with your partner
in delinquency.

What?

Call him, Will.

I'm sure Jazz is sorry.

Why should I call him
after what he did to me?

You-you know, forget it,
I don't need him.

I don't need you,
I don't, I don't need nobody.

♪ Everybody loves somebody ♪

♪ Sometime ♪

♪ Everybody needs someone ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ Everybody loves ♪

♪ Somebody sometime ♪

♪ Everybody falls in love ♪

♪ Somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss ♪

♪ Just told me ♪

♪ My sometime ♪

♪ Is now ♪

♪ Everybody finds somebody
someplace ♪

♪ There's no tellin'
where love may appear ♪

♪ Something in my heart ♪

♪ Keeps sayin' ♪

♪ My someplace ♪

♪ Is here ♪

♪ If I had it in my power ♪

[instrumental music]

I just want to get up
to my room, Uncle Phil.

Brother don't want no trouble.

It's alright, Will,
I'm not mad anymore.

Oh, my God, Philip,
look at this.

- What?
- It's all in the paper.

They got a picture
of me throwing

a reporter in the pool.

Oh, what a wonderful way
to start my campaign.

My nephew gets arrested.

My wife looks like..

...you look wonderful,
sweetheart.

I don't know.

Actually, Aunt Viv,
you got a kind of a

homicidal sumo wrestler
thing going, raahhr!

Oh, but you workin' it, girl.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

What are you doin' here?

I was out
for my morning constitutional

and I must've walked
farther than I thought.

'But since I'm here'

bean pie for all.

You know,
just my way of saying..

...you know.

Oh, that's very nice, Jazz.

Thank you, Jazz.

I guess you two wanna be alone.

I don't get it, Philip,
why did he give us a bean pie?

What am I, Freud?
Grab a fork, Vivian.

Well..

...I guess I ought to be going.

You probably got college
applications to fill out.

Yeah, actually, I do.

You probably want to hang out
with educated people

who drink their
malt liquor in a glass.

What are you
talkin' about, Jazz?

Face it, Will,
you're gonna go off

to college to be somebody

and I'm gonna be stuck here
living foot to mouth.

I think you mean
hand to mouth, Jazz.

Don't try to impress me
with your fancy education.

You're gonna go off next year
to some big old college

and I'll be sitting here by the
phone waiting for you to call.

You're not making
any sense, Jazz.

You used to think
that was cute.

Oh, wha..

Oh, wait a minute.

You mean this
whole thing is about

me goin' off to college?

Oh, comes the dawn.

My mother told me
you was no good.

I knew I should've
listened to her.

See, I promised myself
I wasn't gonna cry.

- Look, come on, Jazz.
- Get your hands off of me.

I'm not a faucet to be turned
on and off at your whim.

I have emotions.

Jazz, come.. Yes, it's true that
I'm goin' off to college, man.

But come on,
you're like family to me.

Jazz, just 'cause somebody
moves away from the family

that doesn't mean they break up.

That just means, you know

the family has to work
harder

to stay together.

You understand what I'm saying?

No.

But at least you talking to me.

Come on, Jazz, you know
you're always gonna be my homey.

- Psssh..
- Psssh..

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

I did say that, why don't
you
clean out your ears?

Now, I knowyouain't
talkin' about nobody's ears.

Hey, come on, man

let's jet down to the mall
and pick up some chumpies.

Will, could you do
one thing for me?

You know,
just for old times' sake?

Sure, no problem, man.

Aah!

Jazz, I trusted you

with my ride over the summer
and you

got me tossed, blah [bleep].

I mean, sh**t.

I said sh**t, mom!

I raised my boy better than
that!

Oh, God!

[instrumental music]