03x18 - The Alma Matter

[bunniefuu]

Yo. When is G gettin' back?
I'm starving.

Don't worry, Will,
I made breakfast.

Oh, damn, I'm full.
Couldn't eat another bite.

Come on, Will,
I know what I'm doing.

Remember, I was
a professional caterer.

And you still would be, if you
hadn't poisoned those nuns.

Hey, the autopsy
was inconclusive.

Bon appetite!

Come on,
let's give her a chance.

Mm, these eggs aren't bad.

[crunching]

What's the crunchy stuff?

Oh, great,
you found my contact.

Uhh!

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪I'll tell you
how I became the Prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel Air ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ In west Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Then who's the guy in the toga?

Ah. Oh, that's Bill Rheingold.

He's the president
of Ametrex Oil.

And the guy with his head
in the toilet?

[laughs]

That's Ben Winter,
he's a great heart surgeon.

And the guy getting
slapped by the girl?

Oh, that's Clarence Thomas.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Oh, you're lookin' at your old

Princeton fraternity
pictures, huh?

Will, please.

Princeton doesn't
have fraternities.

They have dining clubs.

Where the leaders of
tomorrow
break bread

and plan the future.

Ah, that's right, son.

My dining club's what made me
the man I am today.

Nah, th-that's too easy.

And since you're my son

you're guaranteed my seat
in the club I joined.

Uh. If you don't know
which seat is his.

It will be the one with the legs
bent out up from under it.

Oh, come on, I gave you
a free one earlier.

Carlton.

What I'm about to do
is strictly forbidden

but since you're
going to Princeton

I'm going to teach you
my club's secret handshake.

Turn around, Will.

You got to be facin'
somebody's butt

to do this handshake?

It's a secret.

I don't see what the big deal
is about Princeton anyway.

Simple, they're interviewing
at Bel Air prep this week.

They're lookin'
for a few good men.

Oh, darn, Carlton.

If they was lookin'
for a few good pygmies

you'd have been a shoo-in.

Face it, ghetto goof,
there's no one at Bel Air
prep

that comes close
to having my grades

or my willingness
to flatter authority figures

without a thought
to personal dignity.

They'll be lucky
to have you, son.

And you're the guy
who taught me.

By the way, you look
really great in denim.

See?

So, Will, have you
scheduled your interview?

Oh, man, I tell you, you ain't
got to worry about me

applying to no old bougie

or Muffy and Biffo
chickenhead

old kind of old. Oh..

I just didn't have a chance
to get around

to it yet, Uncle Phil.

Do it tomorrow.

Wait, come on, Uncle Phil

I've already decided
where I wanna go.

Will, the standards of
the Jim-Bob School of
Trucking

are pretty darn high.

[instrumental music]

Look, man, what are you
doing here, anyway?

Your appointment
isn't till tomorrow.

Simple, I'm here to pick up

the shattered pieces
of your self-esteem.

To nourish you
in your hour of defeat.

And do you know why, Will?

Because when I come out
of here a broken man

you wanna be the first
person to rub my nose in it?

No. I'm really
here for you, Will.

Then why you bring
a video camera?

- Mr. Will Smith?
- Yo.

"Yo?"

So...Mr. Smith

you want to go to Princeton.

Well, actually,
I want to go to Sea World

but is Princeton along the way?

[laughs]

You're funny.

We frown on that at Princeton.

Okay, um..

Look, actually,
I got to be honest with you.

I just came because
my uncle made me.

I really don't want
to go to Princeton.

Everybody wants to go
to Princeton.

Well, not me,amigo.

Then you're in luck, Mr. Smith.

Your scores are mediocre.

Your grades would make
an impressive batting average.

And your extracurricular
activities are nonexistent.

Unless one counts
detention, in which case

you lead the league.

But my jacket is a fashion
miracle though, isn't it?

In short, you're not
Princeton material.

And your hat is on backwards.

We frown on that at Princeton.

Well, y'all frown on
a lot of stuff at Princeton.

Bunch of sad-lookin'
people walking around..

Look, actually, sir,
I've, I just really don't know

what Princeton
would have to offer me.

I mean,
are there any cute honeys?

Mr. Smith

Princeton has some of the most

intelligent young women
in the country.

There's no way I would
make a crass generalization

about such a diverse group.

Any cute honeys?

No.

Well, then I guess
my work here is done.

Oh, but as a parting gift..

...here you go.

How did you do that?

I've been working
on this thing for months.

Yeah, well. Take care, buddy.

Wait a minute.

[instrumental music]

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will
keep us together ♪

♪ Think of me babe whenever ♪

♪ Some sweet talkin'
girl comes along ♪

♪ Singin' a song ♪

♪ Don't mess around ♪

♪ You just gotta be strong ♪

♪ Just stop ♪

♪ 'Cause I really love you ♪

♪ Stop babe ♪

♪ I been thinkin' of you ♪

♪ Look in my heart ♪

♪ And let love
keep us together ♪

♪ You you ♪

♪ You belong to me now ♪

♪ Ain't gonna
set you free now ♪

♪ When those girls
start hangin' around.. ♪

Now, you get your English
scores up and I'll recommend

that you get accepted
into Princeton.

Look, I don't know, Ed.

- It's just..
- Please.

For me.

I-it would mean a lot.

Alright, alright,
I-I'll think about it.

Peace out, E-Money.

- Pshh!
- Pshh!

Oh, man.

Oh. Piece of cake.

What's the capital of Burma?

Look, man, I don't know.

Rangoon. 640 acres is?

I don't know. The size of
Barry white's hot tub.

A square mile.

Who said, "It's better
to die on your feet

than live on your knees?"

Oh, I'm guessing
that one wasn't Madonna.

Emiliano Zapata.

They made a mistake, you don't
deserve to go to Princeton.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Will, Princeton
is considering you?

Considering me?
Begging me is more like it.

I mean, yo, them people just
will not take no for an answer.

- You turned them down?
- Yeah, bunch of times.

But you know, dude started
gettin' all weepy-eyed

and everythin'
so I told him I'd sleep on
it.

How did you do it, Will?
The truth.

Carlton, I was just myself.

I guess, that was good enough.

This is Princeton, Will.

They don't want people
who are themselves.

They want people like me.

Now fess up.

I told you, Carlton,
I was just myself.

We talked. I told him about
the hood back in Philly

and he told me about
some stuff called Spam.

You know, if you're getting
a sh*t at Princeton

that's pretty impressive.

I'm proud of you, son.

Proud enough to let me
use the Volvo next weekend?

Sure.

Did my lips say Volvo?

My lips meant to say jag.

Why not?

Hey, you know what, Uncle Phil?

I think I might like this
Princeton thing after all.

Hey, you think, you could
show me that handshake?

Well, okay, but we can't
show it to strangers, you know.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Carlton Banks?

Yo, wassup?

- Sorry.
- That's alright.

I've been looking through
your transcript, Mr. Banks--

Oh, you don't have to
call me Mr. Banks.

My posse calls me
Rap Master C.

Excuse me?

♪ Rap Master is my name ♪

♪ Ask me again
and I'll tell you the same ♪

[scatting]

♪ Didn't mean to dis you ♪

♪ Can I get you a tissue ♪

So, Rap Master.

I noticed that
you are the treasurer

of your young republican club.

Three years running

but enough about
that bougie stuff.

Let me teach you how to vogue.

Strike a pose.

Mr. Banks, are you on
some sort of medication?

Let me teach you
how to wear a hat.

Mr. Banks, please.

Mr. Banks, you're nothing
like what I expected.

I'm not?

Your scores are topnotch

and your grades
couldn't be better.

They are.

Unfortunately, at this time

Princeton doesn't accept

the clinically insane.

Next!

[instrumental music]

That's...that's it?

That's it, close the door
when you leave.

There must be some mistake.

Princeton's the only place
I've ever wanted to go.

It's the centerpiece
of my life's master plan.

I hardly think--

Do you think I'm exaggerating?

Look, this is my master plan.

See where Princeton comes in?

Right after, "Lose virginity."

You're even stranger
than I thought.

Thank you for your interest
in Princeton, Rap Master.

It's time for my 3:30.

Look, please don't
do this to me.

Do you want me to beg?

I'm begging you,
anything you want.

You know, my sister Hilary's
not bad-looking

and after two drinks or so

she'll do just
about anything, so.

Are you through?

My dad's got money.

A lotta money, and if you played
your cards right--

Goodbye.

Look, Ed!

You seem like
an intelligent man

a man who knows
what's good for himself.

Accepting me would be
very good for you, Ed

because I have friends.

Big friends, big friends
with lots of body hair

and mozzarella
on their breath.

Capisce?

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but was that a death thr*at?

Hmm?

[instrumental music]

Yo-ho!

- How did it go, son?
- Okay, did they accept you?

Did you even have to ask.

They're not just accepting me

they're giving me
a full scholarship.

- Yay!
- Yes!

Congratulations.

We are so proud of you.

Good going, C.

Can I have your dresser?

I-I-I can't believe this.

A full scholarship?

That's amazing.

I guess all that
hard work paid off.

Philip, we gotta have
to have a party

and invite all
of Carlton's friends.

- I can't come.
- Why not?

Because Carlton
doesn't have any friends.

And I'll have
to dance with him.

Mom, I appreciate the
thought

but let's not go overboard.

No, no, now this-this seems
to call for a new car.

How about one of those
little convertibles?

Princeton orange.

- Sure, dad, but--
- No buts, Carlton.

You have made me so proud.

I made my bed.

[telephone rings]

- I'll get it. No, I'll get it!
- I'll get it.

- No, no, no, I'll get it!
- I'll get it!

Hello?

It's Mr. Robinson,
your principal.

Well, you're a little late, sir.
I just heard the good news.

Oh, that's impossible.

How could he get suspended

after he just got
a full scholarship?

I'll, uh, I'll call you back.

Yeah, goodbye.

Philip, what's going on?

[sighs]
Carlton..

Tell me you didn't thr*aten
to k*ll the man from Princeton.

Oh, my God.

- Dad, I--
- Just tell me that, please.

I can't.

[instrumental music]

Yo, C, you look bad, man.

Stop trying
to butter me up, Will.

Oh, come on, baby,
give mamma a kiss.

Go away.

Oh, come on, mamma knows,
child, come on.

Stop, Will, it's not funny.

You ruined my life,
you, you big poopy.

You get everything you want
without trying.

You got picked first for teams,
the cutest girls

everything. Why?

'Cause I don't say
stuff like big poopy.

Why don't you just
go back to Philly.

Do I detect
a little hostility?

You owe me
some flowers, mister.

(man on TV)
'Look, you mustn't talk
like that.'

'I won't get my wings
with that attitude.'

Oh, I don't know,
I guess you're right.

Suppose it would've been better
if I'd never been born at all.

What did you say?

I said I wish
I'd never been born.

You and me both, pal.

[thunder rumbling]

What the..

Oh, my God, it's Tom Jones.

W-what are you doin' here?

Well, I'm your guardian angel.

Wow! No offense, Tom

but I always thought my
guardian angel would be black.

Oh, I knew Otis Redding.

Well, anyway,
I'm glad you came.

- I've been so unhappy.
- I know.

Break it down to me.

Huh?

Tell me what's wrong.

Well, it's kind of hard
to put into words.

Ah! I know.

[instrumental music]

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ To have dad be proud of me ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ 'Cause I love conformity ♪

♪ And when I see dad hangin'
with Will instead of me ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to see me cry ♪

♪ I wanna die ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to mess up at any time ♪

♪ And when I see you
so down and out ♪

♪ It's such a crime ♪

♪ Did you ever wanna be
loved by anyone ♪

♪ And then you let them down ♪

♪ I blew it yesterday ♪

♪ My trust fund's gone away ♪

♪ My friend it happens
all the time ♪

♪ And life will never do ♪

♪ What you want it to ♪

♪ Don't give yourself ♪

♪ Such a hard time ♪♪

Tom, you're the best
guardian angel

a guy could ever ask for.

But do you think you
can change history

so that I've never been born?

Well, not quite, but I could
probably pull some strings

and have you moved
oppositeRoseanne.

But before I do that.

I want you to see
what things would be like

if you didn't exist.

[instrumental music]

(Will)
'Get ready,
'cause I'm coming now.'

- Okay.
- Come on, sh**t for it.

He dribbles down he turns into

Darryl Dawkins,
he's breaks the backboard.

Aah!

Alright!

Oh, it's perfect, baby,
beautiful.

What happened?
And where's mom?

Well, without you,
your family was

defenseless against Will.

'You see they started to
focus on happiness'

instead of success.

Your mother ran away
with the milkman.

'Your father quit
his practice to paint.'

'Ashley does nothing
but dance all day.'

'And Hilary
just does her hair.'

Well, maybe not
everything changed.

But-but they're not
making any money.

I mean,
so what if they're happy?

I mean, how they're
gonna afford this house

our cars, our club memberships?

Well, they can't,
they're gonna lose it all.

Happiness has ruined them.

I've got to save them.

I've gotta teach them about
greed and social climbing

And how to claim your dog
as a dependent.

Now, that's the Carlton I know.

Maestro.

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ To feel bad at any time ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ To feel sad at any time ♪

♪ But if I ever am
in a jam at any time ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ To find that
I am there for you ♪

♪ Whoa whoa oh whoa oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

Good morning, Will.

Good morning?

You-you sure you don't mean

die you gravy-suckin' pig?

Will, I spoke
out of turn earlier.

I had no right
to att*ck you the way I did.

Oh, well, that's cool, man.

Plus, I decided I don't even
wanna go to Princeton, you know?

So I called up Ed and I put
the good word in for you.

And he's giving me
another chance?

Well, no he still thinks
you're kinda crazy.

But, uh, he'd like to take
Hilary out for cocktails.

Will, would you excuse us,
please?

I'd like to talk
to Carlton alone.

Go easy on him, Uncle Phil.
He's a moron.

Dad, before you start,
I just wanna say

I'm sorry about
the death thr*at.

Son, I admit that wasn't exactly
the bright spot of my day

but what really hurt the
most,
is that you lied to me.

But I didn't know
how to tell you.

I mean, you were so happy
that Princeton wanted Will.

I thought you'd like him
more than me.

I could never like Will.

Well, I mean, I like him.

Wait a minute,
here I am lying to you.

I really blew it.

I'm sorry you won't
get to go to Princeton.

I know how much
that meant to you.

Dad, the only reason
I wanted to go to Princeton

is because
I wanted to be like you.

You can't be like me
Carlton.

Or like Will
or like anybody else.

You can only be like you.

There's no need to be cruel.

Son..

...who you are
is just fine with me.

I mean that.

Carlton.

Yeah?

You're grounded.

Thanks, dad.

Oh, do I sense a little
hostility?

You owe me some flowers, mister.

I did that on purpose!

[instrumental music]