03x20 - The Baby Comes Out

[bunniefuu]

[pounding on door]

(Philip)
'Get up! Hurry,
everybody, get up!'

(Will)
'Yo! What's the matter,
Uncle Phil?'

'Aah!'

(Philip)
'Calm down, Will! Calm down.'

'It's Aunt Vivian.
She's having a baby!'

(Will)
'That ain't what's scaring me.'

'You ain't got
no drawers on!'

Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay.

[panting]
Oh! Oh! Oh!

[exhales]
Oh. Oh.

[groans]
Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Aah!

Ooh!

- Mother, are you alright?
- Mmh!

Of course you're not alright.
You're having a baby.

Oh, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Hilary, sweetie, come here.

Having a baby
is very spiritual.

This is my last baby,
and I'm never going to

experience this miracle
again.

Oh, here comes
another contraction.

[both groaning]

Ow!

[exhales]
Well, that wasn't so bad.

Hilary, honey,
don't be so dramatic.

My hand. Ah.

Alright. Everything's cool,
Let's go. Let's go, Aunt Viv!

Everything cool, everything,
everything cool.

Alright, check it out.
Um, um, alright..

Carl, you boil some water.

Uh, Ashley,
you go get some blankets.

Uh...Hilary, you, uh,
c-circle the wagons.

Will, honey, what are you
talking about?

I wish to God
I knew, Aunt Viv.

Mom, I think
what Will is referring to is--

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Oh! Oh!
- Aah!

Oh, my God. Oh, the pains
are getting closer.

Carlton, honey,
get up off the floor.

My hand!

What is wrong with everybody?
Philip!

Put on your damn pants
and let's go!

Hey. Aunt Viv,
I wanna go, too.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

You know I could really use

somebody to hold my hand.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about
how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Wonder if mom
had the baby yet.

I know.

Birth is a miraculous thing.
Isn't it?

To think I was once
inside of a woman's body.

I find that
hard to believe.

I think we all do, Carlton.
Ahem.

- Hi, mom. Mom!
- Mom, you're still pregnant.

You think?

- Look, I can't do this anymore.
- Look, me neither.

I mean, getting woke up
in the middle of the night

by a naked man running
around
the house.

I'm sorry. I-I thought
you were all asleep.

- Not you, G.
- Oh.

[chuckles]
Never mind.

Look, now, everybody calm down.

False alarms
happen all the time.

But Uncle Phil
was naked, Aunt Viv.

- Oh.
- Shut up, Will.

Vivian, I wanna have this baby
already.

Oh! And you think
I don't?

I feel like
I ate a Buick.

That look like a Winnebago
from here.

Viv, is there anything more
I can do for you?

Will you look at her,
Uncle Phil?

Haven't you done enough?
Leave her alone!

I'm fine, Philip.
Thank you.

Oh, good.

I gotta lay down.

Could I get you
some tea, madam?

Oh, that
would be lovely, Geoffrey.

Bring it
to the laundry room.

I'll be sitting
on the dryer.

Poor mom.

Poor mom? Poor me!

I saw Uncle Phil naked!

And he was running!

[bell ringing]

What can I get you, madam?

Geoffrey, I've got
a proposition for you.

[chuckles]
Perhaps if we were
both younger

and I didn't
work for you..

Not that kind of proposition,
Geoffrey.

I will give you 50 bucks
to drive me over

a set of railroad tracks.

Well, doctor, the, uh, pains are
coming closer together.

Well-well, they start
in the abdomen and they kinda

radiate up and down
in all directions.

Philip, what are you
talking about?

I'm not having any pains.

Well, I am.

Well, yes. Thursday afternoon
Will be fine.

Yeah. Thank you.

[rings bell]

Yes, your majesty?

Geoffrey, from an objective
point of view

who is having this baby,
him or me?

It's rather difficult to
tell
just by looking.

She's in here. Look, whatever
you do, don't mention her chins.

Or her ankles, or her feet.

Oh, and whatever you do

never ever feed her
after midnight.

Oh, poor diva!

[indistinct chatter]

- I'm sick of this!
- Oh, look at you!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Come on, y'all.
Come on. Come on.

- Will, why are you crying?
- I don't know, man.

- Wait a minute. Where's Helen?
- Oh, well, she couldn't come.

She had to go to court
with Lester.

Oh, I thought the divorce
was final months ago.

That's right,
and everything was going so well

until she saw Lester
with another woman.

And that's when
she snatched off the wig.

[gasps]
She snatched off
the woman's wig?

No. Lester's.

[laughing]

What a novel idea,
that little bell.

Geoffrey, would you get us all
something to eat, please?

Oh, golly, yes!

Gee! It's great to be
working
in the big house!

You've all met
our butler...Chicken George?

Don't you worry, Vivian.

I'm going to take
good care of you.

Oh. Me, too.

Oh! I'm so happy
you guys are here.

I was beginning to feel
like nobody understood me.

Oh, hey.
We're family.

- We love you.
- We love you. Yes.

[bell ringing]

Stop with the damn bell!

That's it. I'm never going back
up there again.

I'm sorry I ever went up there
in the first place.

I took her some honey
for her tea.

She tells me she does not want
honey from California.

She wants honey
from New Mexico.

Oh! Puh-lease.

Diva needs to get her butt out
of Bel-Air a little more often!

If it get any bigger,
it'll be in and out of
Bel-Air

at the same time.

[bell rings]

- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.

Alright, come on,
come on, y'all.

This ain't easy on Aunt Viv.

I mean, the baby is a week late.

[bell rings]

Oh, that bell's mine!
Who's with me?

I'm with you.

Alright, Hilary, you act like
you're gonna hug her

and then pin her arms down.

- Oh, I-I know the choke hold.
- Okay.

Hey, hold it, hold it,
hold it now!

Now, that's enough!

Now, you know, this is harder
on her than it is on us.

We're her family. We have to be
here for her.

You guys? Why isn't anybody
answering my bell?

Could somebody please come
upstairs and keep me company?

You hate me, don't you?

Okay, I know this has been
hard to take

and this baby doesn't look like
he's coming anytime too soon.

So, why don't we just take
a breather from one another?

You know, just for a little
while if you..

Hello?

[instrumental music]

[bell jingling]

Geoffrey, have you seen
my bell?

What bell?

I don't blame you, Geoffrey.
I've been pretty unbearable.

Do you think my family's
ever gonna come back?

I doubt it.

Why don't you sit down
and let me make you some
tea?

Oh, Geoffrey, you know,
you always know what to do.

- Thank you.
- Now you relax.

If anything happens, Mr.
Banks
has Master William's beeper.

And I'm sure
your sisters will be back

from the salon any minute.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Hillary, this is great.
I really needed this.

I know. And some electrolysis
wouldn't hurt you either.

This could get ugly.
We're family.

Aren't you guys
finished yet?

Carlton, Aunt Vy
is getting a makeover.

It could take hours.

Am I wearing
a "Kick me" sign?

I don't see why women spend
so much time in these places.

Wow! Forget college.
I'm going to beauty school.

Look, if I'm not back
in 20 minutes

be really happy for me.

[upbeat music]

- Way to go, speedy.
- Shut up.

You know, Will,
I could've driven myself here

for my examination.

I don't think so,
Uncle Phil.

I think, you're taking
this sympathy pains thing

just a wee bit too far.

Don't be ridiculous, Will.

Oh, my God!
I think my water broke.

[pager beeping]

Oh, my God! It's Vivian!
She-she's having the baby.

We gotta get
to the hospital!

Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil,
we in the hospital.

Oh, good..

...because I'm having
a heart att*ck.

Uncle Phil, I think, you better
let me take care of this.

- Uh, false alarm, Uncle Phil.
- It's for me. It's Carla.

"4-0-2-4-3-6,"
that's no phone number.

No, no, no, Uncle Phil. Ahem.

That's 40-24-36.

Boom, bang, ka-boom!

Oh.

- Hey, hey. Ruff ruff ruff!
- Shut up! Shut up!

Get in the elevator.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind
putting out that cigarette?

- Hey, it's a free country.
- That's right. It certainly is.

But it's against the law to
smoke cigarettes in elevators.

[stomping]

[applauds]

That's right, boy.
This is a new jack city.

You the man.
You the man.

Oh!

[electronic buzzing]

(Will)
You the big man
that broke the elevator.

[instrumental music]

Geoffrey, I think
we better beep Mr. Banks.

Oh, dear. Okay.

Keep calm. I think
we'd better beep Mr. Banks.

- Geoffrey, I just said that.
- Good. That's good.

Now we're on
the same train of thought.

How do you work
this bloody thing?

Well, thank God
you're here.

Oh! Oh, God!

- Oh!
- Ow! My ha..

[both groaning]

(Will)
Uncle Phil, is that you?

(male #1)
No, but you have
really soft hands.

(Will)
Mommy! Ma!

Just relax, Will.

[sighs]
I'm sure, they'll have us
out of here in no time.

[pager beeps]

Oh, Uncle Phil, that's Aunt Viv.

Oh, my God. Somebody get us
out of here!

I'm having a baby!

[upbeat music]

Something must be wrong.

I've beeped him twice,
and he still hasn't answered.

My hand!

[exhales]
I'd better try
the beauty salon.

[instrumental music]

So while she's been stepping out
on him

he's been having an affair
with her sister!

But she works here,
so keep it quiet!

- Oh! Okay.
- What?

[telephone ringing]

Black Beauty.
How can I help you?

Yeah, right.
It's always an emergency.

I'll ask.
Vy smith, phone call.

Sorry. Nobody's answering.

Don't you just love
these quiet girl talks?

- What?
- What?

I know!

Great. Geoffrey..

It looks like you're gonna have
to drive me to the hospital.

Will I steer
with my left foot?

I hate men.

Hi, mommy.

Oh, my God!
Here comes another one.

- Ashley, give me your hand!
- No way.

- Ashley!
- You keep away from me!

Geoffrey! Oh! Oh! Aah!

[groaning]

[sobbing]

Oh, this baby's coming!
I got to get to the hospital!

Don't worry, mom.
I'll get you there.

- Ashley, you can't drive.
- Grow up.

I've been taking the car
since I was 12.

Oh. Okay. Okay.

[upbeat music]

Hey! Hey! How much longer before
somebody gets us out of here?

My wife's having a baby!

(male #2)
'She ain't in there
with you, is she?'

- No!
- 'Good.'

- ''Cause I'm going on a break!'
- What?

[indistinct chatter]

(male #2)
'Just kidding. A little
elevator humor there.'

(male #3)
'Oh, man!'

I'll get you out of there
as soon as I can.

Hi, honey.
I'm gonna be late for lunch.

Great.
You have a phone.

That's right...
and you don't.

Will, we gotta get that phone.

Look, Uncle Phil,
just ask him nice.

No, no, after what I did to him,
he's never gonna let me use it.

Oh.

Well, you know I'm coming
straight out the 'hood,
right?

Alright, where I come from,
when we want something

we step aboard
and take it. Observe.

♪ Please can I use
your phone? ♪♪

Hey, look man, if you
don't let me use your phone

I'mma start singing
Paula Abdul's greatest hits.

I guess you wanna use
this phone real bad, huh?

Yes, sir, I do.

About as bad as
I wanted that cigarette?

- Stop! Ghetto time!
- No, no! Will!

Will, Will, calm down. No!
Shh! Calm down now.

Now, I trained as a lawyer
for many years.

I was trained in
the art of negotiation.

Hey. Okay?

Observe.

Sir...give me that damn phone

or I'mma rip your liver out
and eat it raw.

That's right, boy,
and he about due for a snack.

Yes, sir.

Yes, Mr. Banks.

Mrs. Banks should be arriving
at the hospital any minute.

- 'What? Who drove her?'
- Who drove?

Uh, you are trapped
in an elevator, right?

(Philip on phone)
'Yes, yes, I'm trapped in an
elevator. Now, who drove her?'

- Uh, Miss Ashley drove.
- 'What?'

(Philip on phone)
'How could you let that happen?
Are you insane?'

No, sir. I-I don't know how
I could have let that happen.

(Philip on phone)
'Call Mrs. Banks' sisters
and tell them to meet her.'

Yes, sir. I'll call the salon
right away.

[Philip shouting indistinctly]

(Philip on phone)
'This was completely
irresponsible of you!'

Y-yes, sir.
I-I'm a very, very bad butler.

In fact, I'm going
to punish myself.

No phone privileges
for a week.

(Philip on phone)
'There's going to be
more of that happening--'

[instrumental music]

Don't worry, Geoffrey,
we're on our way.

Vivian's having the baby.
We've gotta get outta here.

Finally. I'll go get Carlton.
Come on, Hillary.

I can't go into a hospital
looking like this.

The place is full of doctors.

Hillary, please don't tell
me
you're that superficial.

Well, it may be superficial
to you, but I'm young.

I can still get a husband.

Not without any teeth,
you won't.

Now try me.
Get on out of here.

That girl wanted me,
Aunt Janice.

Carlton, when a woman says,
"Drop dead, troll"

it usually means
she's not interested.

Now, come on,
let's go.

I'll call you!

[upbeat music]

I'm sorry, young lady, but you
are going to have to fill out

these insurance form
like everyone else.

I'm a kid. I don't know jack
about insurance.

I'm sorry.
But those are the rules.

Oh, my God.
Here comes the big one.

Nurse, could you
hold my hand, please?

[groans]

[groaning]

Get this woman
to a pressing room.

- What happened to Hillary?
- Oh, Lord.

Hillary Violet Banks,
get your butt here.

My hand!

I'm pretty sure
mom's been here.

Look, this is an emergency.

Do you have any mascara?

Where is the woman
that did this to you?

- Down the hall.
- Come on. Down here.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Vivian, we got here
as soon as we could.

You doing okay, baby?

She's fine.
I took care of things.

Hey, look I appreciate
that you're close family

but you all
can't be in here, okay?

- Oh, I'll go.
- Uh, me, too.

And, um..

This is what
I usually look like.

Phil-iiippp!

-'Phil-iiippp!'
- Vivian!

- 'Philip!'
-Vivian!

Wilma!

- Dad, over here!
- What? Where?

[panting]
Where is she?

- That way.
-Vivian!

[crashes]

Say hello
to your new son.

- Ooh!
- Look at him.

- Be careful.
- Ooh!

[giggling]

Oh, we should get
a picture of this.

- Doc, would you the honors?
- Sure.

Look, look, he look like
a little black yoda.

- Oh, stop.
- Ohh!

He's adorable.

Hello, little
Nicholas Andrew Banks.

Ooh!

Honey, I thought we agreed
to call him Philip.

Ew, that's
a stupid name.

Why don't we name him
after daddy...Eli?

- Great.
- Over my dead body.

- Not Eli?
- No. Let's name him Rufus.

[indistinct chatter]

Smile!

- 'Colin Powell!'
- 'Bobby Brown'

(Will)
'And Whitney Houston!'

[crashing]

(Will)
Wilma!

[instrumental music]