03x21 - You Bet Your Life

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, what up, C?
- Hey, Will.

Yeah. Bacon, avocado,
and mayonnaise.

Alex, the question is,
"What are three things

"found in Uncle Phil's
beard?"

Yuck! Now, I lost my appetite.
Thanks a lot, Will.

Uh, no, thank you, man.

Ah, Master William

here are the maps you requested
for your road trip.

- Oh, thanks a lot, G.
- Mm.

Ah, University of Nevada.

Where at graduation

they don't wear their tassels
on their caps

if you know what I'm saying.

You sure are lucky, Will.

Spending the weekend
at a college campus

with 4,000 hot coeds

and you get to bunk
with dad and Sara Lee.

Crocket anyone?

Um, Jazz, you alright, man?

You got a kind of
a Clark Kent-Urkel thing

jumping all over you.

Actually, Will,
he looks like me.

Well, yeah,
that's what I was saying.

I'm all ready for my trip
to college. About time, too.

I spent eight years
in high school.

[chuckles]
Jazz, um, Uncle Phil
is going to be my chaperon

and I don't think
he wants you to come, buddy.

Well, I guess I better
return
these stupid, funky clothes.

Here, Carlton.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ She said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

- Hello, Master William.
- Hey, what's up, G?

Hey, check it out.

I just finished making
my schedule for the weekend.

Figure if I work fast,
I can see everything

that this college has to offer.

This is a list of
sororities.

Yes, sir, from alpha to gamma
to bad Mama-Jamma.

Silly me.

When I went to university

I actually spent
most of my time studying.

Well, yeah,
but look at you now, G.

Touche.

Did you, by any chance, see
"m*rder, She Wrote" last
week?

- No.
- Good.

Watch your back.

I just love having
a little brother.

Me, too. Isn't it cute
the way he burps

and drools and dribbles?

Look, you guys,
Carlton's 18 now.

I don't think
we should continue to encourage

that type of behavior.

We're talking about
the new baby.

I never thought I'd actually
enjoy taking care of one.

[baby crying on intercom]

It's for you, Geoffrey.

We better get to the club.

Alright, but I draw the line
at breastfeeding.

Achoo!

Hey-hey, Uncle Phil,
you ready to burn some rubber

make some tracks?

[coughing]

- Cough up a lung?
- No.

It's okay. I-I-I'm fine.
I never felt better.

- Call an ambulance.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uncle Phil, man,
you can't do this to me.

I've been planning this trip
for months.

Hey-hey, I tell you what.
Come on, you can make it.

There's a Dodger dog
in it for you.

[coughing]

I'm sorry, Will,
I don't think I can make it.

No, no, no. Yes, you can.
Come on, Uncle Phil.

Come on.

Look, Will, you're just going to
have to call the university

and cancel, that's all.

Uncle Phil, why can't you
trust me to go by myself?

Because I'm smarter
than the average bear.

Alright. Look, Uncle Phil,
if you can't trust me

I mean,
there's got to be somebody

you trust me to go with.

Hey-ho, campers.

♪ I'm not gonna be
able to do it ♪

♪ I tried to take you serious
before and you blew it ♪

♪ You figured you was slick
dissin' me for the next man ♪

♪ But when you heard he had
a wife it ruined your plans ♪

♪ Now you want to come back
and act like it's all that ♪

♪ But I ain't tryin' to hear it
'cause you sound real wack ♪

♪ You got it over the first time
but that was the last time ♪

♪ I'll never make
the same mistake.. ♪

♪ Beep beep beep beep
biggita biggita plssssh ♪

Cut it out, Will.

No hijinks while driving,
young man.

And fasten that seatbelt.
It's the law.

Yes, sir, Deputy Dawg.

[sighs]

Oh, Carlton,
did you see that billboard?

Come on, man, I'm starving.

Yes, hello,
this is Tony Montana.

I just saw your billboard
on the highway.

If you know what's good for you

you'll make me a pepperoni pizza
with anchovies on it.

Will, what do you think
you're doing?

What's it sound like I'm doing?

[chuckles]
Ah, yeah, no,
we're going north on I-80.

Just look for the little,
square-head guy

who can just barely see
over the steering wheel.

Grow up, Will.

Oh, Carlton, Carlton.

Hey, hey, hey. What's up girls?
Oh, no. Slow down.

We could use a little roadside
assistance, you know?

Will, do you want me
to turn this car around?

I want you to speed up and
catch up with them girls, man.

That's it, mister,
you're on a time-out!

Carlton, man, look. You really
need to loosen up, man.

Look, we're young
and we're single.

Uh, one of us is really
handsome, the other one is you.

But, come on, man, we're kids.
It's our job to act like idiots.

That's your job, Will.
I'm here representing dad.

My job is to ruin your fun.

And you really love your work,
don't you?

What's wrong now?

Look, man, I got to go bathroom.

I'm sorry,
but the next bathroom break

isn't scheduled
for another 33 minutes.

Well, that may be so,
but whether you stop or not

I'm going in one minute.

Oh, I don't get a good
feeling
about this place, Will.

It's cool. I'll take care of it.

Uh, we ain't black!

We just got back from Hawaii!

Look, you have
exactly 45 seconds

to get back from the bathroom.

If you're not back,
I'm leaving without you.

Carlton, it may take you
45 seconds

but it takes a fully grown man
a little while longer.

Yeah, well, you just wasted
about 15 seconds, buddy.

- You smell chicken?
- Forget about it, Will.

Rule number 13,
no poultry in the car.

(Jazz)
'Are we there yet?'

[knocking]

Will, I think
the engine's knocking.

That's not where
the engine is, stupid.

[knocking]

(Jazz)
Chicken, my brother?

Jazz, how did you
get in the trunk?

It was easy.

Oh, by the way, you need
a new lock for your garage.

Wow! College!

Just like I imagined it.

Can I help you fellows?

Yeah, I guess you might as well
fill her up.

And wash the windows.

Oh, and look under the hood
for..

...you know, hood things.

I don't know how people play
these things. They're so boring.

[arcade machine ringing]

Hey-hey,
touch that handle, granny

and you'll be pulling back
a nub.

Oh, hey, Homer.
What's up with the Benz,
man?

Well, considering my limited
experience with foreign cars

this being the first one
anyone's actually let me touch

- I-I think it went pretty well.
- Let me guess.

You have a nuclear reactor
in your backyard, don't you?

Oh, what do we owe you?

Uh, it's $300.
There's $25 for the gas

and $275 to call Germany

to find out whether it took
regular or unleaded.

Yo, man, are you crazy?

Well, I-I prefer the term
"emotionally challenged."

And you still owe me $300.

Oh, this guy's scaring me.

Let's just pay him
and get out of here.

Uh, do you prefer a check
or credit card?

- Cash.
- Well, I've only got $40 cash.

You've got to take
a credit card.

I mean, everyone
takes credit cards.

What kind of hick are you?

The kind that
don't take credit cards.

I'm afraid I'm just going to
have to keep the car.

Whoa-ho. Whoa, whoa.
Homer, Homer, Homer.

Chill, check it out, man, look.

I got $30.
Jazz, how much you got?

Well, between this soda can
and what I got in my wallet

I'm good for a nickel.

Look, Homer, check it out.
We'll get you your money, man.

We just need a few minutes,
alright?

Alright, it's no problem.

If you need me,
I'll be at McDonald's

watching the numbers change.

Ah, great,
what are we going to do now?

Al right, alright.
Look, let's just think, man.

I'm, I'm sure we can come up
with something

if we just
put our heads together.

You got me.

[squeals]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Come to Lola.

Coming.

Alright, check it out.
Check it out.

We going to get paid right here.
Carlton, give me your money.

Forget it, Will.

I will not let you succumb to
the base pleasures of gambling.

Besides, we're underage.

Uh, can I get $40 in quarters?

What do you say, Jazz?
You turn my $30 into $300?

Does James Brown use a hot comb?

Jazz, that was our last chip,
man.

Don't worry, man.

We got her
right where we want her.

Full house!

Yes!

Jazz, you lost
all our money, man.

I thought you said
you knew how to play poker.

Poker?
You mean this isn't Go Fish?

Tough luck, boys. Next victim?

Whoa. Hey, Lola, Lola, baby.
Check it out. Looky here.

I thought we had
an understanding, you know?

I mean, where I come from,
when a man is nice to you

you don't take all his
money.

I mean, at least not while
he's still awake.

You're breaking my heart.
Take a hike.

Lola, Lola, baby, come on.

I mean, you got to give me
a chance to win my money
back.

I mean, 'cause if you don't

then I'm not going to be
able
to get my car.

Come on, baby, have a heart.

I'm just a poor black man
trying to get to a panty
raid.

Alright, look,
I'll give you a job.

You can work off your debts.

Like Woodrow here.

Yeah, my Studebaker broke down
way back in '78.

I've been working here
all this time to pay it off.

Fifteen more years...
and you can just eat my dust.

[laughs]
Check it out. Look, um,
Lola.

I don't want to die here
an old white man, okay?

- Will.
- What?

- What?
- Come here.

Excuse me. What?

I think I got the answer to our
problem right here in my sock.

Oh, Jazz, ain't nobody
going to pay no money

to see your sixth toe.

Allow me, my brother.

Yo, you've been holding out
on me.

I'm sorry.
Emergency bean-pot fund.

Miss Lola, can I interest you
in a game of chance?

I'm listening.

Okay. I'm thinking of a
number
between one and ten.

- What is it?
- Four.

Damn!

You boys are pathetic.

Alright, I'm going to give you
another sh*t, slim.

Double or nothing,
high card wins.

Alright, you're on.

Black queen.
Something I can relate to.

[sighs]
Scaboom!

A black king,
and I don't mean Shaka Zulu.

[laughs]

Thank you.

Quarters. I-I have to have
quarters, Will.

- Carlton, wait. Carlton..
- See, I know I can b*at it.

First, it was bell,
bell, cherry.

- Right. Carlton.
- And then cherry, lemon, lemon.

But now, it's just cherry,
cherry, bell.

Cherry, cherry, bell.

Cherry, cherry, bell! Every time
a cherry, cherry, bell!

Carlton!

Get a grip on yourself, man.

Look, I got the money
for the car.

We can leave. Come on.

No, I can't.

It's this damn...thing.

It just sits there taunting me.

"What's wrong, Carlton?

"Lost your nerve, sissy boy?"

Look, you got to help me, Will.
Make it stop.

- Carlton
- Okay, everybody, stand back.

If I apply
the Vulcan death grip

and press real hard right here

I believe
I can make him black out.

Jazz. Look, look, Carlton.

Listen, if you get in the car
right now

I promise we can sing the theme
to "West Side Story," okay?

You can be Maria.

I just want to play
a few more times.

Boy, did you hear what I said?

Get your butt
in that car right now.

Don't you roll your eyes at me.

I can't leave now, Will.
See, I figured the odds.

If I just play 9,063 more times,
I know I can b*at it.

Wait, Carlton, Carlton, listen.

This is what gambling
does to you, alright?

It's a disease and it's evil.

Stop it.

Right now.

Buzz off, flattop.

Hey, hey, hey, Carlton,
I ain't playing with you, man.

Get your butt in that car
right now!

Why don't you just get off
my damn back?

Okay, see, now it's on.

Alright, see, my mother
don't talk to me like that.

Come on, Jazz, let's go!

I mean, Jazz, we was right
for leaving Carlton, right?

Absolutely.

I mean, I've been looking
forward to this weekend

for a long time.

And there ain't no way
that I should miss out on it

just cause he got the hots
for the slots.

You on a roll
with a side of slaw.

I mean, what?
He expect us to babysit him

while he have
a nervous breakdown?

[sighs]
He's so selfish, man.

That boy put
the "E" in ignorant.

I'm just saying,
look, it ain't no way

I'm letting Carlton
ruin this weekend.

Are we slowing down?

I mean, nothing, but
nothing,
should stand between a man

and his Phi Beta booty.

Will, you're only doing
20 over the speed limit.

What's wrong?

Look, didn't I say
nothing's wrong, man?

Except the fact that
I got a t*nk full of gas

a campus full of honeys

and all I keep thinking about is
that little midget

we left back there.

Will, honestly, I don't think
Ashley wanted to come along.

I'm not talking about Ashley.
I'm talking about Carlton, man.

We left him back there
without a friend in the
world.

Then he should feel
right at home.

Yeah, you know what,
I think you're right, man.

He don't need us
and we don't need him.

♪ Nah baby
I'm not gonna be able to do it ♪

♪ I tried to take you serious
before and you blew it ♪

♪ You figured you was slick
dissin' me for the next man ♪

♪ But when you heard he had
a wife it ruined your plans.. ♪

Could luck be a lady tonight?

Tramp.

Michael Jackson impression?
Only a quarter.

Here's 50 cents.
Now, get out of my face.

Cool!

Evening, Bo. What can I get you?

Shirley Temple.

Hey, no giggling
when you bring it to me.

[giggling]

I'll draw your portrait
for a quarter.

Yeah!

No!

That's my money. I've been
feeding this machine all night.

Those quarters are mine.

Hey, man,
what do you think you're doing?

Get out of my way.
This is my money.

- I don't like your attitude.
- Can it, steroid breath.

What did you say?

See? He's doing great.

Come on, Bo, now knock it off.
You might break something.

Yeah, like my cousin.
Yo, yo, chill.

What's up? What's up, man?

Bigfoot here stole my quarters.

Carlton, I'm just guessing here,
but name calling? Bad idea. Shh.

Hey, man, you tore my shirt.
My mother bought me this shirt.

And you know, I'm sure
she's a really fine woman.

But you got plenty of quarters.

Why don't you go call your mom,
have her send you a new shirt?

I don't want a new shirt. I want
to clean the bar with his face.

I'm saying, my brother,
pick on somebody your own size.

So what are you saying?

Well, I mean, I wasn't
suggesting me specifically.

Oh, Bo, now
this isn't a fair fight.

Any bets?

I'll take $5 on the big guy.

I'm saying, ain't nobody
going to chump me.

I ain't no punk.

You know, Will,
you don't have to..

Look, the time comes

when a man has to take
responsibility

and fight his own battles.

And I'll let you know
when the time comes.

Give me $10 on Bo.

Prince, I know
how you can take this dude.

How good are you
at faking seizures?

Thanks for the vote
of confidence, Jazz.

Look, check it out.

Just take the keys,
start the engine.

I'm going to bite him
and jump in the car.

Let's get busy.
I ain't got all night.

"Nightline" is on
in two minutes.

W-wait a minute.
Can I stretch first, please?

Pull a muscle or something
out here.

Anybody got any kryptonite
in the house?

Yeah, man, that's real funny.

Really?
So you're not going to hit me?

You're not that funny.

Well, no, but I can be, though.

[snapping fingers]

- That's funny, though, right?
- No.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, man.
You wait one damn minute!

We brothers, man.
This is crazy.

I mean, we shouldn't be out here

about to fight over
a couple quarters.

I mean, in this cruel,
hard world

we got to stick together, man.

Or we done, man.

And if you want
to be the brother

that casts the first stone

for the degradation
of the entire race..

...then you go right ahead.

Did you get the feeling
back in your head yet?

You say something, Uncle Phil?

Will, I just want to thank you
for standing up for me.

Oh, man, look, it was nothing.
What is family for?

Plus, we shouldn't have left you
there in the first place, man.

Anything could have happened.
I'm sorry about that.

Are you crazy?
I had the time of my life.

What?

Will, for a little while,
I was living on the edge.

I, Carlton Banks,
recording secretary

of the audio visual squad

was gambling, swearing, and
staying up really, really late.

I mean, I-I feel so...liberated.

Quick, open the back window.

- Yo, for what, man?
- I'm going to moon Nevada.

Bottoms up.

Oh, Carlton,
come on, put that thing away.

Someone's going to get hurt.

Don't worry, Will.
This is my lucky day.

[police siren wailing]

I knew your butt was going to
get us in trouble, man.

University of Nevada,
here I come.

Oh, where at graduation..

I got all this...in my mouth.
I'm sorry.

Where at graduation..