03x01 - Donkey

[bunniefuu]

[JERICHO LAUGHING]

[LEANNE] ♪ London Bridge
is falling down falling down ♪

Please don't leave me alone with her.
I want to stay with the Turners.

[SCREAMS, GASPS]

[AUNT JOSEPHINE] I will
unite this child's soul.

[GASPS]

[METAL CLANKING]

[PENCIL SCRATCHING]

[SIGHS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

- [BLENDER WHIRS]
- [JULIAN] You can't. It's criminal.

It betrays everything you believe in.

[SEAN] He has two teeth, Julian.

He can't chew with two teeth.
This isn't a conversation.

[JULIAN] Tell that to the toothless
woman who sleeps outside my office.

I saw her eat a shoe once.

All I'm saying is we don't
wanna limit his potential.

[DOROTHY GASPS] I think I feel
a third coming in. [GASPS]

Oh, is someone gonna
be fussy today? Yes.

[SEAN] Leanne, tell Julian
how easily babies choke.

When was the last time
you were actually in the office?

Why is the door open?

[BLENDER WHIRS]

Oh, Sean, no. Stop with the noise.
You're gonna scare him.

What's wrong with your face?

I've been waiting a long time for this.

I think a lot of men feel inadequate
because they can't breastfeed.

Yeah well, at some point, Sean,

you need to do personal inventory. Okay?

Ask yourself, "Who am
I really cooking for?

Jericho or myself?"

You've been to one f*cking NA meeting.

I can't stand this much more.

You ready for food, buddy? Nom nom time.

It's a lot, but we said
we'd be supportive...

I can hear you.

[LEANNE] Why is the door open?

Everybody, shut up!

It's time.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

- [GASPS] Oh, Sean.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [SEAN] Look at his lips smacking.
- [DOROTHY GASPS]

- Like a little Italian baby. [LAUGHS]
- Aw, he loves it.

- I knew he had an excellent palette.
- [GASPS] Ooh.

- Here you go.
- Quick. Give him another bite.

Look, look, he wants more.

- [WHISTLES]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[SQUEALS, CHUCKLES] Do you like that?

Oh, we can have dinner
on the Shore together tomorrow.

[SIGHS] Leanne.

No one is out there.

We looked.

You wouldn't know what to look for.

Those Midwest dead eyes.

It's not my fault all
cults look the same.

Put on a pair of sunglasses
or something. Spice it up.

They can slip into your life
without you even noticing.

[SEAN] We should've
kept the door closed.

It's been three months
since Aunt Josephine,

who you said isn't coming back.

If the rest were going to come for you,

wouldn't they have done so already?

They're patient.

Maybe we should cancel
the trip to the Shore.

It's gonna be cold anyway.

No. We need air.

We need sunshine. We need
to feel the sand in our shoes.

What if I can't?

Look at Jericho.

He's got a new tooth coming in.

Feel it.

[CHUCKLES] It's sharp.

You're safe, Leanne.

Because if anyone comes for you,

they're gonna have to come
through us first.

- [COOS]
- Baby teeth and all.

I've never seen the ocean before.

Ah, you're gonna love it.

It's Jersey.

When you three go on
your walk this afternoon,

try and really make it
to the park this time.

It's for her own good.

Bet if I left a trail of soup cans,
she'd follow it there.

She'd follow you.

I've seen the little connection
you two have.

Can make a lot of wives jealous.

But not you?

You're too strong.

Jealousy looks ugly on you.

Please, darling.

Nothing looks ugly on me.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you remember the first
meal I ever cooked for you?

Bucatini with bottarga.

I'm gonna bring some to the beach.

- For Jericho.
- Aw.

Fatherhood's turned
you into such a p*ssy.

[CHUCKLES]

I've always been a p*ssy.

[GRUNTING, BREATHING HEAVILY]

Is Veera coming over tomorrow?

Yeah. [GRUNTS]

She loves the Shore.

Says it's like being drunk
while staying sober.

Great. I like her.

Yeah, better than Natalie?

Yeah, her popularity took a hit while
dumping me while I was in rehab.

To be fair, she stuck
with you the first two times.

- Yeah.
- Hey, I gotta head out.

So maybe you could take
Jericho and Leanne on their walk?

See if you could get her to the park.
But don't force it, you know?

I was gonna make this
a surprise... [GRUNTS]

but I got you and Dorothy a gift.

You're welcome.

Thank you. So, can you
take them on their walk?

It's a very nice gift, Sean.

Julian, it's essentially what you're
doing right now but outside,

less annoying and actually helpful.

You know it's unhealthy for me
to be around fragile people.

Trust me, if there was anyone else,
I would've asked them first.

- What are you doing that's so precious?
- I've got errands!

Errands?

You cryptic dog.

You're shopping for a
new espresso machine.

Take me with you!

[KNOCKING]

[JULIAN] Hi.

So I'm gonna be your
companion... escort.

f*ck! I'm gonna go on the walk with you.

Both of you.

Outside.

Yay.

I'll be downstairs.

[SIGHS] This is good.

Being outside.

Real people.

So, Leanne, I, uh... I asked Sean

if I could, uh, take you on this walk.

I thought it would be emotionally...

Well, whatever. This walk is bad enough.

Hear this sick puppy out.

We've been having, um...

Sex?

Yes. And I like that. I like that a lot.

Uh, you may have noticed I'm trying

to do things a little
bit differently now.

You're trying to be a good person.

Well, I've always tried
to be a good person.

I like it better when you don't try.

[JULIAN] Let me clarify.

I feel like the creepy old f*ck

who's secretly sleeping with his
sister's traumatized nanny. Yes?

You should be sleeping with
someone your own age.

Someone with abs, defined
hairline, a sparkle in his eye,

that isn't soured
by reality or intelligence.

Your father sees younger women.

My point exactly.

Okay, we found each other
in a dark place, uh...

Two flies f*cking
on a sad flaming ball of sh*t.

- And now it's time I think we...
- No!

I like our sex. It feels good to me.

And I want you to stop trying
to be something that you're not.

Veera's coming to the Shore
with us tomorrow.

[JULIAN] Leanne!

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]

Here.

- You know what I am?
- [PANTING]

- I'm not a bear. I'm not a bull.
- [JERICHO COOING]

I'm an eagle.

[WHISTLES] Flying high, looking
for some fresh meat! [LAUGHS]

So, when they tell me that pork bellies

[IMITATES PIG] are down, I don't care!

When they tell me beef is down...

Whatever he says, do the opposite.

[JERICHO CHUCKLES]

You know your dad's gonna
pressure you to be a chef.

And I'm not saying you shouldn't
learn to cook or enjoy it.

Just don't live your life
in his shade, okay?

$ , a year!

- [SEAN] What the hell is this?
- Thirty minutes, every day.

Imagine the calves
on this family. [SNIFFS]

Dorothy's gonna k*ll you.

Where's Leanne?
Did you make it to the park?

Not even close.

After the last contractor
couldn't fill it, I contacted the city.

They're gonna send out a guy.

A geologist or something.

Who knows when that'll happen,
but we're still trying.

I still can't believe we're here.
On the other side of it.

- [CRYING]
- [SHUSHES]

You're gonna see the ocean tomorrow.

You're gonna play in the sand.

Feel it between your toes.

There you go.

Oh! I'm sorry. I just put him down.

I'm actually here to see you.

[CHUCKLES]

I guessed your size,
you twig. [CHUCKLES]

But if it doesn't fit
or if you don't like it,

we can always take it back.

Whatever makes you comfortable.

It's not for tomorrow.
It will be far too cold.

But consider it aspirational.

I just thought, maybe
you didn't have one.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Oh.

My mother wouldn't let me
wear a two-piece till I was .

As if a yard of spandex was gonna
protect me from the world.

How's the journal coming?

Um...

[DOROTHY] Just stick with it.

Putting your feelings down
on paper, it makes them real.

Which can be terrifying.

But that will give you power over them.

And get some sleep.

It's a big day tomorrow. [CHUCKLES]

Square-cut Torys...

or cat-eye Miu Mius?

Cat-eye.

- [SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
- Mmm.

♪ Oh, we'll be all right
if the wind is in our sails ♪

I'm excited to see where this is going.

Forgive me.

- ♪ And the storm will soon pass by ♪
- ♪ And the storm will soon pass by ♪

[SEAN] It's a vacation
tradition. Be over soon.

♪ And we'll stand fast
and steady as she goes ♪

♪ We'll stand fast and
steady as she goes ♪

- ♪ And the storm will soon pass by ♪
- ♪ And the storm will soon pass by ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I bet you didn't know your
mommy was a pirate. [LAUGHS]

[SEAN] Storm. Once the cooler's
done, we're ready to go.

Now, I know you're
from Wisconsin, Leanne,

but you're gonna want
warmer footwear. Trust me.

I think it's just best
if you guys go without me.

Absolutely not. No, it wouldn't
be right without you.

No. [CHUCKLES] I don't
wanna ruin it for you.

Well, that's why you need to come.

I told you she wasn't ready.

- It was gonna be a tight squeeze anyway.
- Julian.

It's better this way for Jericho.

Just, you know, please avoid strangers.

[SIGHS]

Traffic's getting worse by the second.

We'll be home after dinner.

Sure.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Bye.

[BEEPING]

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

[AIR CONDITIONER WHIRRING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Sean? Is everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's great.
Just calling to check on you.

You weren't followed?

I don't think so.

There's a couple of meatheads
behind us, but it's to be expected.

We're in their country.

Show me them.

They pray to a different god.
Totally harmless.

[SIGHS, SWALLOWS] I think you're right.

Is it nice there?

Yeah. It's all right.

I mean, Dorothy's radioactive with joy

any chance she gets to show off Jericho.

[LAUGHS]

[SEAN] Julian nearly sued
the parking attendant.

But look at him now!

They look happy together.

I wouldn't have thought rehab
was a place to hook up,

but hell, who knows,
maybe this one will stick.

You in the basement again?

Right behind you. Third row down.

Six bottles in from the right.

It's a ' Petrus.

It's vivacious but it's
got a smooth floor

that's gonna pair really nicely
with a bowl of tomato soup.

So try to relax, and enjoy it.
You deserve it.

[SIGHS]

Bye.

[WATER BUBBLING]

[SNIFFS, SIGHS]

[BUBBLING CONTINUES]

[BREATHING UNSTEADILY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SNIFFS]

["THE SKY CRIES" PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[LINE RINGING]

[TOBE] Hey, Leanne. How are you?

Tobe. You wanna come over?
There's nobody home.

Oh... Um...

I'm wearing a swimsuit. It's two pieces.

That sounds cold.

Uh, I'm actually helping a friend
move to West Philly right now,

- but I can come over around : .
- [GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Dorothy? Is everything okay?

I thought you'd wanna see this.

Oh, look at...

Oh, he likes it.

I thought you'd wanna see this too.

[SIGHS]

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's freezing here.

So, viewing from the comfort of
home was a wise choice. [LAUGHS]

Thank you, Dorothy.

Oh. Next time.

We're headed home soon.

You're not gonna believe this,

but Julian was att*cked
by a flock of rabid seagulls.

I mean, they thought
he was a crab cake. [SIGHS]

I don't blame them, but they
did cut up his face. Poor thing.

But he'll be fine after a couple
booster sh*ts or something.

I don't know. [SIGHS]

We all need to be humbled
every once in a while. [CHUCKLES]

Don't tell him I said that. [LAUGHS]

Okay. See ya soon. Ciao. [KISSES]

Birds. [CHUCKLES]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[RUSTLING]

[TV CLICKS ON]

[FEMALE REPORTER] And there was

another drive-by
sh**ting today downtown.

It appears to have been g*ng-related,

but there are no suspects yet.

[LEANNE BREATHING SHAKILY]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

- [LINE RINGING]
- [BREATHING SHAKILY]

Hey, we're still trying
to get outta here.

Where are you?

There's somebody in the house.

Are you serious?

What's going on?

Then hide. Or... Or get outta
there. I'll call the police.

There's someone in the house.

[REPORTER] And there are
three suspects now wanted

in the m*rder of that Victoria girl
found last week in the river.

And more coming up later.

A man who exposed
himself to police officers

in a doughnut shop claims that...

[TV CLICKS OFF]

- [BREATHING SHAKILY]
- [CREAKING]

[INSECTS BUZZING]

[GASPS]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[RINGTONE PLAYING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Who sent you?

Who's in charge now?

[BURGLAR GRUNTS]

I was like you.

We weren't reborn just to follow.

[SIREN WAILING]

We have our own light.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

We have a choice.

[KNOCKING]

[POLICE OFFICER] Police!

[GRUNTS]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[POLICE OFFICER] Police!

[POLICE OFFICER] Is anyone home?

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?
[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Is she okay? [BREATHES HEAVILY]

I'm okay, Dorothy.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]
I'm so sorry we left you.

We shouldn't have left you.
It was a mistake.

What happened?

- I just need to use the restroom.
- [SIGHS]

[DOROTHY] What happened?

[POLICE OFFICER] Evening, Mrs. Turner.

From what your nanny,
Miss Grayson, tells us,

and a preliminary look
through the house,

this break-in is consistent with
a string of burglaries in Society Hill.

The intruder waits until families
leave for the weekend, like you,

then he enters the home.

He was able to gain access
through a skylight in your attic.

Unfortunately, Miss Grayson
happened to be here at the time.

And it appears he may have taken

several items from throughout the house.

[DOROTHY] We're gonna get security
cameras. Cover the entire house.

They are convinced it's
a run-of-the-mill burglary.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, look.

It's the problem with being
a pattern-seeking creature.

It all must make sense.

There has to be a reason. Things
don't just happen, right? [SIGHS]

I don't know what's more cruel, really.

To live in an indifferent world
or one that's constantly testing us.

Oh. Either which way,
we're here for you, Leanne.

[DOROTHY CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]