04x14 - Sleepless in Bel-Air

[bunniefuu]

Why don't you put that down
and come sit next to me.

- How's that? Everything cool?
- Great.

- It worked?
- Perfect, Branford, you hear?

Good, I'm glad you liked it.
So, Will, I'm off like a dirty shirt.

Hey, peace with two fingers, man.
Give J some for me, all right?

There's definitely some perks
to working for NBC.

- I call the couch in the living room.
- No, I'm sleeping on the couch.

You can sleep under the couch,
you squidgit.

- I'm sleeping on the couch.
- I said no.

Oh, grow up, you two.

I can't believe you're staying here.

Imagine calling an exterminator
for a few harmless little crickets.

Supposed to be soothing,
for God's sake.

No, Uncle Phil.
I don't think you understand, man.

Now, these ain't them cute little
Jiminy-wish-upon-a-star-type crickets.

No, man. These are big, mean,
nasty, bug-eyed...

...take-over-the-human-race
kind of crickets, man.

You can borrow my makeup,
but the key is subtlety.

You want your date to think you
stepped out of Vogue not a clown car.

- Date?
- Tonight's the night.

I go to the movies with Randy,
remember?

Randy? Randy who?

Why wasn't I consulted about this?

Stop pretending you don't know
anything about it.

You already gave permission.

You cannot keep little girls
from growing up.

I can and I will.

Ashley, come here.

Look, now, seeing as how
this is your first real date...

...I think there's a couple things
you need to know.

Listen, if you're gonna hold the popcorn,
make sure you hold it up in plain sight...

...so when he go reaching
for the bucket...

...he don't miss,
talking about, "Oops."

And stop at a gas station
and make sure that t*nk is full.

And if he tells you
to pull his finger, don't do it.

Oh, man.

Thanks, but it's just
a little innocent date.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Oh, you're right,
nothing's gonna happen...

...because I want you
back here at 9:30.

But the movie
doesn't even end until 10.

Well, you can catch the end of it
when it comes out on video.

- Daddy!
- Ashley, be back by 10:30.

Ten-thirty on the dot.

Not 10:31, and that's in this house.

Not on the porch,
not parked out on the driveway.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

...I'm gonna go check the video camera
over the front door.

Daddy never gave Hilary a curfew.

He was probably hoping
she wouldn't come back.

Oh, that reminds me,
I'm gonna be out late tonight.

I'm sh**ting a commercial
for Casual Cup coffee.

That's great. How'd you get it?

Well, the director said
I reminded him of the coffee.

Oh, yeah, he probably thought
you was hot, creamy and rich.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

I was pretty sure
I wasn't mountain-grown.

Check please.

I guess that leaves the house
to just you and me.

I can write my paper
while you study for your midterm.

It'll be nice and quiet. We can
clear tables like the study center.

You know what? I know how we can
make it even more like the study center.

I won't be here.

I'll go run some ball.
I'll get with you all later.

But you told me
you haven't studied yet.

I haven't.

Look, Carlton, I'm the king of cram.

All I need is three solid hours
and I'm cool.

Will, let me tell you a little story
about the grasshopper and the ant.

I really don't feel like hearing
about you and your little friends, okay?

Just listen.

See, the grasshopper goofed off...

...while the ant worked hard
storing up food for the winter.

When the winter came,
the ant had food...

...but the grasshopper starved
to death.

You know what the moral
of the story is?

Yup, even if we were insects,
I'd be bigger than you.

All hail, the king of cram
is about to take his throne.

This is really sad, Will.

It's 10:30 and you're just now
cracking open that book.

No, that's not true. I cracked it earlier
when I had to write down...

...this honey's phone number
right next to the periodical table.

Do you wanna hear a little
chemistry rhyme?

No, not really.

Here.

Little Timmy took a drink
But he will drink no more

For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

That's how I remember the equation
for sulphuric acid.

Oh, look, look. I got one. I got one.

Little Carlton was a boy
Whose body was short and stumpy

He never shut his mouth
So I kicked his little rumpy

Are you quite finished?

Yup, all ready.

Hey, Carlton, that's really annoying.

Oh, sorry, nervous habit.

Sorry, nervous habit.

Fool.

I am so sorry, Geoffrey,
but if I put him down...

...he cries even harder.

So would you mind
making up more formula?

Mind? Madame, you woke me
from a most marvelous dream.

I haven't had one this good since
I was strip searched at Dulles Airport.

"Welcome to the exciting world
of chemistry."

Honey, could you hold Nicky
just a second?

Wait, Aunt Viv, come on, l...

He stopped.

Well, these fingers can work magic.

Ain't that what the honeys
tell me, huh?

- Okay, it's 10:37. I'm calling the police.
- Philip.

Police don't need your hysterical calls
cluttering up their phone lines.

They've got to catch real criminals.

Like the murderous muggers
and thugs...

...that hang around
movie theaters after hours.

She's at the mall.
She's not at the Pussycat Theater.

I've never seen a mugger
at the Pussycat Theater.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mr. Banks.

Can I speak to Ashley?

She's not home from her date.
She was supposed...

- Daddy, I got it.
- Ashley, sweetheart, where are you?

I'm upstairs in my room.

I got home 20 minutes ago.

Come on, hang up,
I wanna talk to Connie about my date.

I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

All right, sweetheart, good night.

This is too easy.

Are you ready?

Don't I feel like an idiot?

Ashley got home 20 minutes ago.
She's upstairs talking on the phone.

Oh, really?

That's a load off my mind.

I think I'll go to bed.

- Good night, Geoffrey.
- Good night, sir.

Idiot.

Maybe you can hold on to Nicky
till he falls asleep.

Well, no, Aunt Viv, listen,
I can't. I have to study.

You can't study if the baby is crying.

It shouldn't take long.
He hasn't slept all day.

All right.

You are getting sleepy.

Very, very sleepy.

Your eyelids are getting heavier.

Your little head is drooping.

Hi, I'm back.

Maybe we should just try a bottle
and a warm bath.

Thought you'd never ask.

The coffee commercial went great.

First, I take a big sip of coffee,
then I say:

Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.

When I don't have my head
in the clouds...

...I like to relax with a nice
hot cup of Casual Cup coffee.

So rich and fine, tastes just like
you ground the beans yourself.

First take, I said, " Tastes just like
you found the beans yourself."

We did it again, I said, " When I don't
have my head in the crowds."

- So I did it again, and...
- Hilary.

How many takes did you do?

Only 41.
You think that would tire me out.

But I'm more awake now
than when I started.

Stupid question, did you forget
to spit after each take?

Why would I spit it out?
I'm nuts about coffee.

It's not made from nuts, it's from beans,
so I guess I'm beans about coffee.

Oh, gee, I'd love to stay and continue
this fascinating monologue...

...but I have to get
some studying done.

I've always wondered,
if coffee's made from beans...

...does that make it a vegetable?

Why are you following me?

Don't you have to work in the morning?
Shouldn't you go sleep?

I'd love to go to sleep, but I can't.
I'm wide awake. See?

Why don't you try doing something
boring like reading the dictionary?

- Do you have one?
- Of course, I do.

What do you think
is propping up my makeup table?

Finally.

- Carlton, I need your earplugs, man.
- Hey!

Come on, man.
Listen, I can't concentrate.

I read that same sentence
like two million times.

If this test covers more than:

"Welcome to the exciting world
of chemistry", I'm done.

Maybe next time you should
promise to yourself...

...not to put things off
until the last minute.

You know what? You're right, man.

And I've been wanting
to squeeze your peezy little head...

...like a grape all day long,
and now is as good a time as any.

Give me those earplugs.

Give me your earplugs, man.

I'm not sharing anything
with you, mister.

Who knows where those ears
have been?

That's it. That's it.
Come here. Come here.

Get over here.
Get over here. Get over.

Time-out, Ashley's home.

Ashley? I thought she was
supposed to be upstairs in bed.

Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur
was a Jewish holiday.

Why is everybody still up?

You know, you're making it
very difficult for me to sneak in.

Ashley, even you should know
if you're trying to get past Uncle Phil...

...you don't go through the kitchen.

I guess I have a lot to learn.

No, you learn too much.

What you doing trying to run
my phone scam for?

Well, it worked.

That's not the point.

Look, the point is you don't realize
the dangers that are lurking out there.

Look, Ashley, listen.
Guys are only after two things.

I thought they were only after one.

Well, yeah, but they wanna do it
more than once.

- That noise is driving me crazy!
- Daddy's up?

Get down, hide, hide. Get down.

I can't stand all that chirping.

Geoffrey! Geoffrey!

You rang?

Where did you last put
the insecticide?

In your soup.

Boy, you're a grumpy Gus.

I was having a most wonderful dream.

Amazon women had just bound me
with sinuous vines...

...and were taunting me
with tangelos.

What the hell is a tangelo?

"'Tangelo', the fruit
of a hybrid citrus tree...

...that is a cross between certain
varieties of grapefruit and tangerine."

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

I never knew how much fun
I could have reading the dictionary.

I mean, it's filled
with all kinds of words.

Big words, little words,
abbreviations, common phrases.

Can I look up a word for you?

- Go away.
- Oh, that's two words.

- This will take care of that little sucker.
- Sir, that's air freshener.

Well, it's all we have. It might work.

Yes, perhaps the scent
of sea breeze...

...will recall some painful memory
for him, and then he'll commit su1c1de.

Quick, get in here!

You were lucky
Uncle Phil didn't catch you.

Well, there's still time.

What's that supposed to mean?

Remember last year
when I skipped school...

...so I could pre-register
for jury duty?

And a little somebody
snitched on me?

Well, missy,
the tables have finally turned.

Oh, Carlton, you're evil, man.

Please, don't tell, I'll do anything.

I'll clean your room.
I'll polish your Star Trek figurines.

No. Now it's coming from the kitchen.

Get down, get down!

That cricket sounds like it's coming
from two places at once.

Must be the ventriloquist
of the animal kingdom.

You know, Dad, I think it's coming
from this side of the counter.

No, you know, Uncle Phil...

...I think he's over here,
the sneaky little bugger.

I was right the first time.

It's coming from the family room.
Come on.

I'll hunt that cricket
if it's the last thing I do.

His head will make a fine trophy, sir.

Carlton, you stink.

You just go ahead outside.
I'll go upstairs and get your pajamas.

You can put them on and pretend
you just came down for a snack.

My God, that bug isn't gonna get
the best of me.

Now I know how Captain Ahab felt
when he was chasing Moby d*ck.

Between the two of you,
the cricket is the whale?

Geoffrey.

- How'd you like to be unemployed?
- What do you mean?

"Unemployed. Out of work,
jobless, not being used.

I.E., a person
who does not have a job."

See, the answer is right
at your fingertips.

- Here. Put those on.
- Okay.

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

- Oh, my God, it's 1:30.
- That's true.

And it's a shame you always
have to learn the hard way.

As for me,
I'm just finishing my paper.

Can't stand it anymore.

This chirping is boring a hole
straight into my skull.

There she blows, captain.

By the table! By the table!

I got him.

I k*lled that little sucker.

Philip, stop charging about
like a rogue elephant.

- You're lucky you didn't wake Nicky up.
- My paper.

Thirty pages of genius gone.

Oh, well. I guess sometimes
that little hardworking head...

...just gets squashed
into a little black spot, huh?

That's funny, ain't it?

Listen, you did all this hard work,
I didn't do anything...

...and we're both in the same boat.

- Except that my paper was optional.
- Optional?

Yeah, I was only doing it
to get in good with the professor.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have
to bring him some cupcakes.

Hello.

This is Philip Banks.

Well, no, I haven't seen Randy...

...and Ashley's been home
since 10:30.

Well, I'll call you back
if she knows anything.

That was Randy's father.

Apparently, Randy decided
to go somewhere else...

...after dropping Ashley off.

Thank God I have a responsible child.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

Hey, man.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go ask Ashley
if she knows where Randy went.

Oh, man, you're not gonna
just go up there...

...and wake her up, are you?

I mean, she could already
have morning breath.

Will, please.

Randy's father has a very
serious problem.

If she did something like that,
I'd throttle her.

No, no, no. Throttling isn't
anything like k*lling, is it?

Not exactly. The second definition
of throttle is, "To strangle, choke."

k*lling is the result of throttling.

Either way, I think we're
about to see a demonstration.

Ashley's not in her room!

I'm right here, Daddy. I was just
in the kitchen getting a snack.

We were just in the kitchen.

- I mean the kitchen in the pool house.
- The pool house is being fumigated.

Where am I?

What am I doing down here?

I must have been sleepwalking.

I better go back to my room.

Ashley.

You've already lied once tonight.
Let's not make it a habit.

Daddy, none of my other friends
had a curfew.

If I came home at 10:30,
everyone would think I was a baby.

You have to realize
that I'm growing up.

Sweetheart, I am your father.

It is my job to protect you.

It's a job I refuse to quit,
and at which I can't afford to fail.

I'm sorry.

I won't do it again.

Of course, you won't, sweetheart.

- Because you're grounded for 10 years.
- Ten years?

Or whenever you move out
of the house. Whatever comes first.

- That's not fair.
- Tell it to the judge.

Oh, that's me.

I k*lled the cricket.

What a horrible death.

- But, Dad, you can't do that to me.
- Watch me.

But, no!

Ding-dong, the cricket's dead

Ashley's grounded
Now you all go to bed

Will, the house is all yours.
Come on, guys.

"Welcome to the exciting world
of chemistry."

Come on, Dad, 10 years?

The Menendez brothers
will be free before I am.

The Menendez brothers
got home on time.

Will, wake up.

Welcome to the exciting world
of chemistry.

Will, it's 8:00.

You don't have much time
to get changed and get to school.

Oh, man.

I never even got past the first page.

- Well, what are you gonna do?
- Carlton, I'm gonna fail.

Hate to say, I told you so.

So how'd the test go, Will?

I got an 85.

What? But you didn't even study.

How could you have learned everything
you had to know about chemistry?

Well, the only chemistry I needed...

...was between me
and the honey in the next seat.

You know what I'm saying?

You have a good winter.

Wait a second, Will.

You're not really gonna let people
think you cheated?

Yeah, I know. I know.
You're right. You're right.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- So how'd the test go, Will?
- I failed.

See, Will, you can't put studying off
until the last minute.

I know, I know, you're right.

You know what?
I'm gonna run to the library right now.

And I'm not leaving until I learn
everything to know about chemistry.

That's the spirit.

Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.

When I don't have my head
in the clouds...

...I like to relax
with a nice hot cup of...

- Cup of hot coffee.
- From the top.

Well, at first I said...
Oh, sh**t. Damn it.

- Then what did you say?
- I forgot.

And the next take I said, " When I
don't have my..." Oh, sh**t, sh**t.

- And the next thing I said...
- Hilary...

...how many takes did you do?

Only 41.
You think that would tire me out.

But I'm more awake now
than when we started.

I'm gonna pass out, you know.