04x16 - I Know Why the Caged Bird Screams

[bunniefuu]

Peacocks
We're marching down the field

Peacocks
And we refuse to yield

No one's tougher
'Cause we are rougher

We are the Peacocks of ULA

See, now that's exactly why people
be pushing you down the steps.

For your information,
I've done the peacock strut...

...exactly nine minutes before
each game and we've won every time.

If we b*at SCU tomorrow,
ULA will be the division champs.

Like you care.

You see, now that's where
you're wrong, my little pet peeve.

I hope that ULA whoops
their butts tomorrow.

So the fighting peacock within you
has finally emerged.

Oh, yes, sir, he came out to bet
$500 on the game.

How you disappoint me.

Well, time to open.

Let's put on our helpful faces.

Oh, my God.

Who would do such a thing?

Guess we can rule out Notre Dame.

Thanks, Birdman, you're the
best mascot this school ever had.

Thank you.

Hey, Carlton, what was Coach Kelly
talking to you about?

Oh, he likes to consult with me
before making important game decisions.

So, what's it gonna be,
regular or grape-flavored Gatorade?

You can cr*ck wise, Will,
but I'm an important part of this team.

None of those guys
will leave the locker room...

...before they rub me for luck.

Sure they not just rubbing you
for fun, baby?

Rub this, Will.

- Yo, Jazz, what's up, man?
- What's up, man?

Hey, did your bookie
take my bet?

You down. Five C's on ULA.

You are the man.

Who else could have found out that
the Mustangs' starting quarterback...

...has come down with the flu?

It pays to have friends
at the urology lab.

You know, it might serve them
SCU punks right.

Messing up the Peacock.
I've been cleaning this place up all day.

You know, you're getting soft.

The Will Smith I know
wouldn't get mad.

He'd get even.

You know what, Jazz?

Tonight, you and I
will acquire a vehicle...

...and we're going to acquire
the SCU statue.

Swipe Mikey the Mustang?

Now, why would I steal something
I can't sell?

Well, the Jazz I know didn't need
a reason to do something stupid.

You're right, Will.
What was I thinking?

Here's what we're gonna do.

Daddy.

Daddy, there's a man under my bed
and I didn't tell him to hide there.

Sweetheart,
he's from the security company.

I'm thinking of upgrading
our alarm system.

Hilary, there was a robbery
in our neighborhood.

Someone cleaned out the entire
east wing of the Spelling mansion.

How are they going
to fence all that crushed velvet?

Here they are, family.
Three tickets to the big game.

See what happens
when your son's a mascot?

They're right on the 50-yard line.

Won't we be in the way?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go check my head for molt.

You know, Will, it wouldn't hurt
if you did something for your school.

Oh, I know, and I am, Uncle Phil.
Tonight, I'm stealing the SCU statue.

Don't even joke
about something like that.

I was just kidding, Uncle Phil.

But, well, hey,
can I borrow the station wagon?

You know, got me kind
of a big date tonight, you know?

Yeah.

- Sure, here you are, son.
- Thank you, thank you.

You know, Will, illegal transportation
of a school statue is a felony.

Yes, sir, thank you.

All right, here's the situation,
unless you fortify your security system...

...my guess is within six months
you'll all be dead.

That's a little extreme, isn't it?

Extreme? Let me tell you about
some of the things I've seen, Mr. Banks.

Homes overrun by thugs and gangs...

...priceless possessions lost forever
to ruthless looters.

m*nled bodies of innocent people
slaughtered like lambs.

God, where was this?

"Mortal Kombat" by Sega.

- All right, what do you recommend?
- This little baby right here.

Oh, come on,
this is a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, Russia has fallen.

Fine, if you don't care about the safety
of your lovely young daughters.

All right, all right, all right.
We'll take the ultimate security package.

Move in.

Okay, check it out, check it out.

So we had Mikey the Mustang here...

...wrapped up in blankets
in the back of the Volvo, right?

So we about to jet off campus.
All of a sudden:

It's like, "Oh, five-0!"
Right, yo, we knew we was busted.

Man, I saw my whole record
flash before my eyes.

Yeah, I had to think fast, right?

So I put on this real sincere face...

...before I knew it I had this cop
convinced I was Sidney Poitier's son.

Who's the man? Who is the man?
It's me.

Y'all ain't gotta say nothing, go on.
Get on fools.

Well, I got to go get me a new jacket.

If you need me,
I'll be in the lost and found.

Hey, what's that bucking Mustang
doing here?

Just a little payback to them SCU fools
for that stunt they pulled yesterday.

And you said
I didn't have no school spirit.

You must return it.

Carlton, we're just having
a little fun, man.

I know how much
you hate that, baby.

Don't you understand?
SCU is going to retaliate.

I mean, you've practically given them
an invitation to abscond with Percival.

Who?

Hello?

Percival, our beloved peacock.

Look, I'm holding you
personally responsible for its safety.

Don't take your eyes off of him.

Oh, but, Carlton, no.
That means I'll miss the big pep rally.

Well, I'm sorry, Will, don't do
the crime if you can't do the time.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

...I have 4000 fans
waiting for me in the quad.

Hand me my head.

I'd love to.

It's show time.

Come on, girls,
Carlton's rally starts in 45 minutes.

I'm sorry I overslept.
It took me forever to get to sleep.

That guard dog was barking all night.

Can't he be like other dogs
and quietly lick himself?

Look, I got this system
so that we'd all feel safe.

Now, I just press in our code
and we're off.

Fifty seconds to activation.
Please exit the premises.

- Maybe he wants a bone.
- Yeah, one of ours.

No, wait a minute.
What is the release command?

It's something German.
Strudel, schnitzel...

Mercedes.

- Let's try the front door.
- Good idea. Come on.

Twenty seconds to activation.
Please exit the premises.

He's a quick little sucker, isn't he?

- Maybe you should shut off the alarm.
- Good idea.

Let me see, our code.

- Ten seconds to activation.
- Code is seven something.

Switching to final countdown.

- Ten, nine, eight, seven...
- It is... Okay, okay, 508...

...six, five, four...
- No, no...

...three, two, one.
- Do you mind, please?

Activating security system.

- Daddy?
- I'll call the security company.

Just stand still. Be still.

It's okay. It's okay.

Just gonna call...

Intruder, stay where you are.
There is no escape.

Well, at least we're safe.

Five seconds
to automated armed response.

What happened to Carlton?

I think my Aunt Helen dropped him
on his head when he was a baby.

No, I mean, he's late for the rally.

He usually shows up early
to help me with the team seating chart.

He left here about an hour ago.

Well, he never showed.

I got a feeling in my gut
something happened to him.

I just know it has.

Look, coach, trust me...

...Carlton wouldn't miss that game
for all the cheese in Philly.

- He'll be there or my name ain't...
- Will!

Is this the end of our plucky mascot?

Does this spell doom
for the Fighting Peacock football team?

Stay tuned, same Fresh Prince time,
same Fresh Prince channel.

It could be worse.

I mean, he could have been dipped
in 11 herbs and spices.

It's 90 minutes before game time.
Any sign of Carlton?

Well, actually, there is a sign.

That's it. Game over. We're dead.

He's not exactly Vince Lombardi.

This is how my career
is gonna end, huh?

Well, at least I still have my health.

What's that lumpy thing
on the back of your neck?

Listen, listen, coach. Coach, listen.

You're sweating it over nothing.
The game is a lock.

We found out that
the SCU starting quarterback...

...came down with the Canadian flu.

The Canadian flu?
What the hell is that?

I guess it's just like the American flu,
just colder.

Hogwash.

Every year SCU tries to put out
some bogus rumor...

...about one of its star players.

Mess up our game plan.
Last year, their kicker had rickets.

Jazz, you fed me a bad tip, man.

I might owe your bookie $500
that I don't have.

Tony the Shovel
ain't gonna like that.

Just ask Flat Nose Gary.

The Birdman
is our team's lucky charm.

Without him, our players
won't think they can win.

And, if they don't have it here,
they ain't gonna to have it here.

And if they don't have it here,
you gonna get it there.

Jazz, Jazz, come here, come here.
I know where this is.

This is the rumpus room
of the Kappa Omega Psi sorority.

How you know that?

Well, I got me a little rumpus
in that room the other night, you know.

Hey, come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go.

- I can't go there, man.
- Why not?

Restraining order. It's a long story.

Thanks, but we'll just stick
with our old system.

You're making
a big mistake, Mr. Banks.

Well, we've got everything.
Except for the dog.

He seems to have
chewed his way through the fence.

- What will we do if he comes back?
- Yeah, isn't he kind of dangerous?

Only if he hasn't eaten.

I don't know, maybe we should have
given the new system a little more time.

Now, we live in a dangerous world
and we should take precautions.

But turning our home into a bunker
isn't the answer.

You're right. Let's just get g*ns.

You're missing the whole point,
sweetheart.

We are lucky enough
to live in an area...

...where we don't have to be obsessed
with safety.

We missed Carlton's rally.
Let's not miss the big game, okay?

- Okay.
- Come on.

- I'm so excited. It's gonna be...
- I know.

Is that...?

My God!
Somebody stole my Mercedes.

You know, you are way too nice
to be locked up in a cage.

- Does that mean you'll let me out?
- No.

But you're awfully cute
when you grasp at false hope.

Look, I know you might find this
hard to believe...

...but in high school, I was sort of a...

Dweeb?

Well, I was going to say loner,
but that too.

Now, for the first time,
I'm actually part of a team.

Don't do this to me.

That was so moving.

Well, I'm late for the game. Bye.

Amanda!

Never mind.

- Will, I'm so glad you're here.
- Shut up.

- Yeah, I knew you'd make it.
- Shut up.

- Come on.
- Damn.

Look, Will, I'm desperate.
Take off your pants.

I think you're taking this jail thing
just a little too far, buddy.

Look, it's almost game time.
You're gonna have to go in my place.

If you think I'm putting on that
stupid suit, you're out of your mind.

Well, if you don't,
you're out 500 bucks.

Unzip me, please.

Gets a little funky in there too, huh?

Men, I know this is the first time
we've been behind at the half.

But all we need
is four quick touchdowns.

We'll be right back in this thing.

- He's here.
- Yeah!

Hey, it looks bad, Carlton, but now
that you're here, we got a chance.

Do the peacock strut.
On your feet, boys.

Peacocks
We're marching down the field

Peacocks
And we refuse to yield

No one's tougher
'Cause we are rougher

We are the Peacocks of ULA

Peacocks
We're marching down the field

Peacocks
And we...

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell are you doing?
That's not the peacock strut.

This is the peacock strut.

Peacocks
We're marching down the field

Peacocks
And we...

What?
They rough you up or something?

Those animals. Well, at least
you're here, and that's all that counts.

Okay, gather around boys,
it's time to rub the Birdman.

- Yeah!
- Y'all ain't rubbing nothing over here.

Hey! Hey!

You. Where's Carlton?

Hey, look, we tried to break him out,
man, but it wasn't happening.

We're toast.

I cannot believe what I'm seeing.

Boo-hoo, our mascot ain't here.

You big bunch of babies.

What about your fans?
They got a lot riding on this game.

Their hopes, their dreams.

Their nose.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna tell y'all one time,
and one time only.

Mascots do not win football games.

Players do.

And coaches.

Hey, you know what,
you gentlemen got a choice.

You can give up and crawl away
like spineless, gutless losers...

...or you can pull it together.

Throw it down, pick it up, strap it on,
kick it's butt and go out as champions!

Yeah!

This is the biggest game
you will ever play.

Yeah!

Now, sure, some of you
may make it to the pros...

...but, let's be honest, for most of you
this is the end of the line.

Ye...!

No more big games,
no more free rides.

No more honeys acting
like you all that.

Let's be honest, we don't even know
if half you all are gonna graduate.

- Then, what you gonna do? Coach?
- Hey!

That's right, you guys, it doesn't
matter what we do, we're losers.

Wait a minute, I didn't...
That ain't, that ain't...

Well, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay, okay, here's an idea.

Rub me, rub me, rub the bird.

Rub, rub...

Hey, Carlton,
how'd you get out, man?

I escaped while the housekeeper
was changing the newspaper.

Hey, fellas, I made it!

What did you do to them?

Listen... Listen, Carlton,
that is not important.

The most important thing
is that you get out right there...

...and you strut
like you've never strat.

Peacocks
We're something something field

Peacocks... pealed

- No one's tougher
- Right, right.

'Cause we are rougher

- We are the Peacocks of ULA
- Come on, come on, come on.

- Peacocks
- Yeah!

We're marching down the field

Peacocks
And we refuse to yield

No one's tougher
'Cause we are rougher

- We are the Peacocks of ULA
- One more time!

Man, this victory party is weak.

That's because we lost, Jazz.

And thanks to you, I'm gonna have
a date with Tony the Shovel.

Well, I hoped you learned
your lesson about gambling.

Okay, Jazz, check it out, check it out.

Because you my homey, right?

I'll give you a five minute head start...

...before I chase you down
and drop kick your little coconut head.

Fair enough.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, Carlton, cheer up, man,
we only lost by one point.

You know,
that was a hell of a comeback.

Man, you should be proud
as a peacock.

We played a good game.
I'm just thinking about someone.

- Amanda?
- Yeah.

I'll probably never see her again.

I'll bet you $500 you'll see her again.

You're on, mister.

Carlton?

Amanda, does this mean
what I think it means?

Yes, Carlton, I've come to gloat.

We won. Well, bye.

Wait a minute, that's it?
I thought we had something special.

Dear Carlton,
it would never work between us.

You're a Peacock, I'm a Mustang.

Can you imagine
what our children would be like?

What, powerful hind legs
with a colorful tail?

Then I guess this is goodbye.

Just until we graduate.

I'll wait for you.

And I'll cut back on dating.

Hey, Carlton.

Look, I know if two people
like each other...

...it shouldn't matter where they go
to school, but the truth is it does.

Alas, fate has conspired
to keep us apart.

That's beautiful, man.
I just want my $500.

He's a quick little sucker, isn't he?

And there you have it,
ladies and gentlemen.

Only for you. Give a little...