06x08 - Viva Lost Wages

[bunniefuu]

So this is what you wanna
do,
huh?

You think you want
some of me, huh?

Let's go.

Blackjack.

Man, that's three in a row.

I should be taking you to Vegas
with me instead of Carlton.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Pay the man.

You know what that is?

Irritating.

It's energy generated
by the most awesome source

of natural power in the
world.

What, the static
from Uncle Phil's corduroys?

The Hoover Dam.

Here, I got you this book
so when we get to Vegas

you'll be Hoover savvy.

I'm getting goose bumps.

You too?

Okay, guys.
Here you go.

Here are your airplane tickets
and your hotel confirmation.

Thanks, dad,
this is gonna be

the greatest
birthday present ever.

You know, it's a shame
you have to go to Sacramento.

and can't make
the trip with us.

Oh, I know. I know.

But, son, this isn't
just a birthday

this is your 21st birthday.

And this isn't just a trip,
it's a rite of passage.

You know ,Cheyenne Indians
used to take a young brave

and leave him in the desert

and he'd have to
fend for himself

with nothing but a Kn*fe.

But when he left that
desert,
he was a man.

There's certainly
some places in this desert

where a brother
can become a man, you know?

I don't know where
none of them at

you know, you know, but..

I'm gonna go ahead
and get my Kn*fe.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

(all)
Aww.

Okay, ladies, I'm leaving.

(Geoffrey)
'They don't hear you, sir.'

They've begun
their women's weekend.

Right now, they're in phase one.
Chick flicks and mint Milanos.

I said, I said, I'm leaving.

Well, it's not like
you're going off to w*r, sir.

I just know
that one day Thelma and Louise

will make it
to the other side of the canyon.

[instrumental music]

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

(Carlton)
'Somebody pinch me.'

'I'm in the same city
with Tom Jones, Wayne Newton'

'and Engelbert Humperdinck.'

'So many shows,
so little time. Ugh.'

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪♪

(Will)
'I can't believe
I'm in the same city'

'as Girls, Girls, Girls. Oh!'

'So many shows, so little time.'

Whoo-hoo!

Bells ringing, money
flowing.

We are certainly
not in Kansas anymore.

Oh, Auntie Em,
Dorothy got a miniskirt on.

We've entered the world
of temptation.

A word to the wise, beware.

Alright, here's the plan.
First, we split up..

- And?
- That's it. We just split up.

Alright, I get it.

Look, we'll gamble
for about an hour or so

but then we have to
hit the hay.

We don't wanna miss sunrise
at Hoover Dam.

They say it starts out
mauve.

You're an odd little man,
aren't you?

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Change for a dollar, please.

There's a five dollar
minimum, sir.

Outrageous.
We're out of here, Will.

Whoa, wait a minute,
Carlton.
Relax, man.

Ah, can I get change for
100,
please?

A hundred?
Are you insane?

Change a 100.

See, she can't believe it
either.

[instrumental music]

Okay, "You're at a friend's
house for Christmas dinner

and you find a dead cockroach
in your salad. What do you do?"

I eat around it,
because cockroaches go

straight to my thighs.

I'd switch plates
with Carlton.

Okay, Hilary, it's your turn.
I'll ask you a question.

Alright, "Would it bother you
much if upon your death

your body was simply thrown
into the woods and abandoned?"

Does it say what I'm wearing?

[screaming]

Geoffrey, you scared us.

Ahem. I'm sorry, madam.

It's just that
I've never seen you three

without your makeup before.

Okay, Geoffrey, fine.
A question for you.

"If you could use
a voodoo doll to hurt

anyone you chose,
would you?"

Miss Ashley,
if it hasn't worked by now..

- Aah!
- Perhaps it's kicking in.

No, I saw a mouse.

- Are you sure?
- Of course, I'm sure.

What'd it look like?

Like Mickey, only without
the big white gloves.

- Oh, my God. I see it!
- Geoffrey, get it!

- Which way did it go?
- That way!

Thank you.

No.

Alright, alright. First,
I'll take odds on my point.

Give me a $12 six and eight,
$10 nine.

Give me five on the come,
five in the field.

Keep my hard ways working
for me, gentlemen.

Thank you very much. Oh, yeah.

Split me up ten dollars.
Boxcars and yo.

And here's a buck.
Spread it around.

Give me them. Give me them.
Give me them.

- Nine. Winner.
- Whoo!

Give me the loot. Give me
the loot. I'm a bad, bad man.

Alright, alright. Show me 20.
Show me 20. Show me 20.

Here we go. Here we go. Oh!

Come on, come on, baby.
Come on, baby.

[blowing air]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Alright, come on.
It's your turn. Roll them, C.

Alright, fine.

Come to papa.

[instrumental music]

Hey, come on, Carlton
aren't you gonna bet something?

Yes, I put five dollars
on red and five on black.

Carlton, that'll cancel
your bet out.

You can't win like that.

Maybe so,
but I can't lose either.

- Well, not unless it comes up..
- Double zero, green.

[grunts]

One penny, two penny, three..

No, better not take the chance.

Yes, I got it.

Hey. Hey, Carlton.

Oh, man, you are never gonna
believe this.

Let me tell you, I'm at this
crap table, right? It's crazy.

I'm just barking numbers like,
boom, seven, boom, 11.

The crowd is going crazy.

The girls are like,
"Willy Smith, is that you?"

I'm like,
"Who you think it is?"

Man, let me tell you,
they're going crazy.

They all love me, man.

I'm throwing back doors, yos

Little Joes,
all that kind of stuff.

I'm just straight jacking
the casino for their loot.

Man, I was like
a crap Mandingo.

So, what happened?

Hey, can you spot
a brother 20?

I cannot believe
you froze me up

right in the middle
of my comeback.

Hi, my name is Will Smith,
and I'm a gambleholic.

Carlton, come on, man.
Didn't you feel the juice?

Will, that's
the devil's juice.

I'm about to have me some of the
devil's eggs and bacon too. Ha!

Very funny, Will.
Now hand it over.

What?

You were right there
when dad said it.

"Keep an eye on Will.

"Make sure he doesn't
get out of control.

Make sure he doesn't drink
the devil's juice."

Man, he ain't say
none of that.

You are so far gone.
Now hand over all your money.

Is that gonna shut you up?

Yes.

Now let's get some shut-eye.

Look, man, I ain't tired.

Do you want to miss Hoover Dam?

Hoover Dam.

[instrumental music]

I don't wanna see
no damn Hoover Dam.

It's more beautiful
than I thought.

It is mauve.

[screaming]

Hey, Carlton. Carlton.

Come on, eight, eight, eight.

I need an eight.
I want an eight. Eight.

Eight. Eight.
Give me an eight.

Carlton, what the hell
are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm gambling.
What do you think?

Come on, eight.

Carlton, you can't put
all your money on one
number.

And the winner is eight.

Yes! Eight.
I won.

I love you, man. You know
I always loved you, man.

Place your bets.

Hey, hey,
so how much are you up?

We're not up.
We're down.

What you mean "We"?

Well, after I maxed out
all my credit cards..

Carlton, you maxed out
all your credit cards?

Well, I had to,
I couldn't get full value

for the airline tickets.

You hocked
our airline tickets?

Well, what do you expect?

I only got $200
out of your ATM card.

A word to the wise, Will

never leave your PIN number
in your wallet.

You took my wallet?
Carlton, how much is left?

- Whatever's left on the table.
- Wait a minute. Aah!

- And the winner is eighteen.
- Yes! No!

No, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

It was 18, we had eight.
We should get something.

What a rush. You feel that?
What a ride.

Carlton, you lost
all our money.

Oh, please. I'm not ready
to come down just yet.

Carlton, what the hell
were you thinking, man?

Well, you know,
I was so excited about

going to Hoover Dam,
I couldn't sleep.

So, you know,
I figured I'd come down

and place a little
harmless bet and I won.

You know, I tried to walk away

but, but the crap table
just kept calling me.

"Carlton. Carlton."

And then the blackjack table
was saying, "You can do it."

And then the slot machines
just started yelling

"Hey, you tall handsome guy,
come shake my hand."

These are all my new friends.

My God, they're pumping
a lot of oxygen into this room.

That was the worst night
of my life.

Tossing and turning,
thinking about that mouse.

What are you
complaining about, anyway?

I'm the one who caught it
and got rid of it.

Mommy, Ashley's bothering
me.

Ashley, stop bothering
your sister.

- Big baby.
- She did it again.

Girls, we have the whole day
to ourselves without men.

So, what are we gonna do?

Go to the mall
and scam on guys.

See, mom, she is so immature.

It's Saturday,
the guys are at the gym.

I think the whole point of this
is for us to bond without men.

- Can we talk about men?
- No.

- Not even negatively?
- What you got?

Okay, tell me something.

Now, are all men hard of hearing

or is it just that
they don't wanna listen

to anything we have to say?

Right, we have to listen
until we're blue in the face

about cars, sports, money,
their precious careers

and then if we wanna talk about
something

that's really important to us

they can't be bothered.

Wait, how about this? How about
when they never listen? Heh.

Wow, Will,
the casino's head office.

Can't you just feel the
money?

I mean, my God, look at
all the animal heads in
here.

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull
a rabbit out of a hat.

- Shut up, Carlton.
- Ow!

Now, come on, the only way
that my plan is gonna work

is if you follow
my instructions to the letter.

Great.
What are the instructions?

"Shut the hell up."

- Hello, gentlemen.
- How you doing? Will Smith.

Pleasure.

I understand
you gentlemen would like to

discuss a little business.

Heh. A little? Pshh.

We got something that
is gonna rock your world.

- Rock away.
- Alright.

Well, you know,
we were talking--

- Have a seat.
- Oh.

We-we were just walking around
in your beautiful casino

you know, fully caught up
in the magic

and the fun
and the excitement

and we-we suffered
a-a minor cash-flow problem.

I feel your pain.

Listen, uh, "Fred."

- I can call you Fred, right?
- Sure.

My associate and I

we wanna make you
a very, very rich man.

Too late.

He said, "Too late."
He put the ring up.

You know, he said,
"Too late."

You know, I like this guy. No,
no, but seriously, you know..

Now, are you familiar with
the term "Money making money?"

Sure.

Let me paint you
a little picture.

Now, we're out
and we're hanging around

in your delightful casino.

I mean, we are sh**ting craps

and we're playing cards
and the crowd is excited.

I mean, they are really excited.

And they're saying to themselves
"Wow, look at these guys.

They're losing, but look
how much fun they're having."

And then it hits them.
Losing is more fun than winning.

'They're saying
to themselves, "Wow'

how can we get in on the fun?"

Before you know it, people start
talking and they're saying

"Hey, honey, go ahead,
draw to the inside straight.

You got 20, so what? Hit it."

People at the crap tables,
"Come on, snake eyes.

Let's go, snake eyes."

People will come
to your casino to lose.

'Huh?'

Ching-ching. Huh?

You can feel the electricity,
can't you?

You can feel it, right?

- Oh, yeah. I feel it.
- I knew you would.

You know, I mean,
there's one hitch though.

I mean,
we're out in the casino

we're working our
tail off for you

and, and we-we lost
all our money.

Oh, so you want
your money back?

That is why you are you.

You deserve every one
of them heads, Fred.

Carlton, you taking
notes from this man?

Y'all taking notes
from this man?

So then it's settled.
Chips are fine.

Uh, is there anything else?

Well, I don't know.
I wouldn't mind catching a show.

- Just name it.
- Tom Jones.

Who?

You know what?
N-n-never mind.

Never mind.
So where do we go from here?

Are you gonna give it to us

or should we go out to the
cashier, what?

Well, basically,
where we go from here

is that I'm gonna
count to three

and if you gentlemen
are not out of my office

I've got space
for you on my wall.

Danke schoen.

(Carlton)
I still don't know
what happened.

I mean, I went into the
desert
just like my father said.

I had my Kn*fe.

But how are the young brave
suppose to concentrate

with all these damn bells
and whistles?

Not to mention the keno
girls.

How am I gonna
call my father and tell him

I'm an utter
and absolute failure?

I don't think it's gonna be the
shock that you think it is.

Well, at least I know it's over.
The insanity is done.

I'm Carlton again.

- Carlton, look, a quarter.
- Oh, it's mine. It's mine.

You're pathetic.

You're right.

I've hit rock bottom.

How come you can see the quarter
and I can't?

Because there ain't
no quarter, man.

Now get on the phone
and call Uncle Phil.

Will, it's a sign.

You're an imbecile

but we still have to
call Uncle Phil.

- But you don't understand.
- Carlton..

It's a dance contest
and I'm a dancing machine.

Huh? Huh?

[instrumental music]

[applauding]

Wow, the competition's even
stiffer than I thought.

Please, my mom got
better moves than that

the time her girdle
slipped in church.

[applauding]

Alright. Okay, thank you.

That was rad.

We're gonna welcome
our next contestants

all the way from Bel-Air,
California.

Please welcome Will the Thrill
and Boogaloo Shrimp.

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

♪ Tonto ♪
♪ Jump on it ♪

♪ Jump on it
jump on it ♪

♪ Kemosabi ♪
♪ Jump on it ♪

♪ Jump on it
jump on it ♪

♪ Custer ♪
♪ Jump on it ♪

♪ Jump on it
jump on it ♪

♪ Apache ♪
♪ Jump on it ♪

♪ Jump on it ♪

♪ I'm Big Bank
I am the Chief ♪

♪ I got a lot of raps
but I'll be real ♪

♪ I never need a horse
I like to chill ♪

We were up, we were down,
we were all around

and suddenly out of nowhere,
they just ripped our hearts out.

Look, see, it doesn't matter how
many bruises and scars you got.

The important thing is
you came out

of that desert alive,
and a man.

A very odd little man,
but a man.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

I just wish we could've won
that dance contest.

I mean, how dare they give us
the booby prize.

Hey look, man, that booby prize
paid our way home.

Trust me, Will,
I will never gamble again.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
dear Carlton ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Okay, son, make a wish.

Hey, Carlton,
bet you can't blow them all out.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got
20 that says I can.

Hey, Will, you want
some action on this?

Come on, I can b*at you.
I'll blow it out.

- You're not in Vegas anymore.
- You wanna bet on this?

[instrumental music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪