02x08 - Sad-iator

[bunniefuu]

You show up, you make shoes,

you go home.

Why would a cobbler shop

need a human resources department?

You'd be surprised.

Now, Artie,

it was your idea to use phoenix leather

for the new line of RKG- s.

Can you tell us why?

- Because phoenix leather
is sturdy, long-lasting, low-cost,

and a phoenix k*lled my father.

- Right. And the downside
of using phoenix leather?

- It bursts into flames?

- That's right, best friend Tim!

Let's do some role-playing. Tim, Fran,

get up here and act like
salespeople for once.

And, uh, try not to make out on the way.

- I volunteer to play the customer!
- Whatever, Dwayne.

Tim, Fran,

you've got a customer
whose foot is missing

because your product blew it off.

Now, how are you going
to keep this customer loyal?

- Give me a free shoe.

Ah!

- And that's where HR comes in.

- Do I really have to wear this?

- I'm just following orders.

- Ah! From who?

- From me!

I told you to bring me Merriman.

Instead, you m*rder*d my best knight!

If you're gonna s*ab me in the back,

you're gonna look like
a hot little slut doing it.

- Great. We agree that I should die.

So, rather than make me go
through this song-and-dance,

just cut out the middleman
and k*ll me now.

- Tell me more
about how you should die,

you bad boy.
- What is wrong with you?

- I'm not sure.

Oh, you're just such a delicious
piece of ass in that outfit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go
think about you fighting for your life

while I rub up against a corduroy couch.

- Ow! Ah!

- The name's Angry Carl.

Nice G-string.

You here to fight,
or are you our entertainment?

- I'm just here to die.

- Oh god. Well, that took a turn.

Nice bantering with you.

- Name's Nunchuck Johnny.
My Christian name is Nuncharles Jonathan.

What are you in for?

- I'm Patrick. I k*lled
Sir Midnight Darkness X.

- You k*lled Sir MDX?

But, he's supposed to be unkillable.

You must've used a flaming sword
forged in the fires of a volcano.

- It was a potato peeler.

- You're Patrick the Peeler? Wow!

It's an honor to meet you.
You might've heard of me, too.

I'm a slaughtering machine with no peen.

I like to k*ll, and I'm a little shrill.

The name's Clambo.

- This spiel always
makes me so uncomfortable.

- Hey, guys! This kid Patrick's
a stone-cold knight k*ller.

All hail Patrick the Peeler!

- Uh, no, no, no. Listen, I'd rather not
glorify the darkest moment of my life.

Patrick the Peeler!

Patrick the Peeler! Patrick the Peeler!

- Girls! Cousin Blossom!
I come bearing gifts.

Brand new hats for today's event.

- Oh no, Human Shield!

Your ugly hat blew away!

Be more careful.
- You may join us at the arena

after you retrieve Human Being's hat.

Mr. Maxwell,
your : is here for his interview.

- Hello, sir! Here's my resume!

- Hm, I don't see any
cobbling experience here, but hey.

Yours truly didn't
have any HR experience

when he started.

So, tell me about yourself, Mister...

- Flier Guy. I lost my job

because the Old King banned printed words.

- Sounds like him. What else
is going on in the old kingdom?

How are the queen and princess?

Tulip and, uh, Flossom, was it?

Not that I care.
- Oh, get this!

Tulip exiled to mid-range island resort,

Blossom demoted to lady-in-waiting

for Princess Danielle!

- Sweet Christ. Tulip must hate that.

And Blossom's pet peeve
is poetic comeuppance.

At least they're both safe and sound.

Not-not that I care.
- But, front page news

is that a squire named Patrick the Peeler

is set to fight in the gladiator pit!

He m*rder*d a knight sent to catch

the rogue King Merriman!

- Patrick!
He'll suffer an agonizing death!

Not that I care!
- Is this griffin skin?

I need a doctor!

Ah! A carriage drove over me!

Oh, it's a medical carriage. I'm all good!

- Can my friend join us for lunch?

- Of course, dear. She looks familiar.

What's her name?

- Call her Ishmael.
Just kidding. Her name's Tina.

- Doreen, it's Queen Tulip
in a pirate hat. Jesus.

- You know I have hat blindness, Glenn.

- Oh, no need to bow
or bring out the fine china.

- Wasn't gonna.
- Coral, where's Mark?

Dude owes me bucks.

- Seven serving four. Look out, babe!

Here comes the heat! Ah!

See that sh*t, Coral the volleyball?

- Meh, who cares?

- Yesterday, I juggled
eight candelabras, all lit!

They're probably
gonna promote me.

- Strange. Something usually

stops the bowl from hitting the ground.

- Where's Patrick?
- Scuttlebutt at work is that

he's been sentenced
to fight in the gladiator pit.

- Why didn't you say something!?

- It's too late! He's probably
walking out to fight right now.

I say we just enjoy our dinner
and then play

a rousing game of--

Solitaire.

You there!

I'm bored! k*ll each other
in a grisly fashion!

Throw in a slow-motion death or two.

Add some pizazz before I fall asleep.

- Oh god,

Patrick's next. Oh...

- Oh, dear god.

- Are you not entertained?

These tickets are not cheap,

so it's important to me
that you're entertained!

Sometimes, I just get insecure, you know?

- Next match is a real doozy.

Six versus one,

but he can certainly hold his own

since he k*lled the legendary Sir MDX!

- Hell yeah!
That's my friend you're booing!

- Your last meal is here.

- Hint, it's my p*ssy...

- Just leave it on that bench,
and I'll pick at it later.

- Listen, idiot! You've been noble
to a fault since we met,

and now, that nobility
is going to get you k*lled

if you don't fight.
- That's the plan.

I k*lled Sir Midnight Darkness X.

If I k*lled a fellow knight,
I deserve to die, too.

- Oh Christ. Maybe I do need therapy.

Oh, f*ck it. Go ahead and die.

You'll live on forever in my spank bank.

I actually came here to let you know

that Granddad has something...

awful in store for the finale.

So, better hope you're dead before then.

- Ladies and gents,

please welcome the rest of the gladiators!

- Ah!

- Woo--

Hoo!

- Give it up for Nunchuck Johnny!

Clambo!

The most murderous psycho in the land,

Patrick the Peeler!

Plus miscellaneous gladiators

you don't need to learn the names of.
They will not have merch.

- Here, take this.

- Don't need any extra baggage.

I'm going straight to Hell.

- Whatever you say, weirdo.

- Peel those f*ckers! Peel 'em!

- Now taking bets on how long he'll last
and the way he's going to die.

- Two minutes tops.
Skull caved in with a cudgel.

- seconds. su1c1de by cop.

- Um, not cool, you guys.
That's our friend Patrick.

- Thanks, Commander Highroad.
Didn't know you were allergic to money.

minutes, eaten alive.

- I won't fight back. Just make it quick.

- He's faking it! Don't trust him!

- Yeah, he lures you in,
and then he stabs you in the eye.

- Oh, Patrick. I can't bear to look!

- Kiss each other!

- Patrick! Sign my peeler!

- Uh, go get him, Carl.
- You go get him, Jonathan.

- Ladies first.
- f*ck off!

- Look! Patrick the Peeler is so powerful,

he k*lled two people
without even touching them!

- No, I didn't!
- He's a demon!

He's controlling our minds!
Don't make eye contact!

Everyone, close your eyes and whistle!

Ah!

- All my best friends are dead.

- Ah! Whose sword do I have to fall on
to get a quick death around here?

- You've been peeled, m*therf*ckers!

- That was amazing! Encore!

Everyone, take a bow!

I'll have your fool head on a pike!

- Daddy?

- I'll deny you, you punk-ass bitch!

Where the f*ck have you been?

Danielle made me get a job
and look Human Shield in the eye.

- Oh, Petal, that's terrible.

I'll have Human Shield
drawn and quartered.

- No, don't! She's my best friend.

- Alright then.

I need to get inside.

This future dead man says
my gate code isn't working.

- No, Grandpa changed it.
Now, it's "Vanessa got dat azz,"

and ass is spelled with two Z's.

- Patrick dead?
- I don't know.

Danielle wouldn't let me
go to the executionnn

for no reasonnnn!

- We have to save him
before it's too late.

To the Merriman-mobile!

Peeler!

- Okay, everybody out. I'll find parking.

This is dad business.

Peeler! Peeler! Peeler...

- And now, for the grand finale!

Our champion, Patrick the Peeler!

-: Wow!

Patrick's actually doing great.
Look at that little tushy.

- He gets that from his mother.

- And our mystery challenger,

from the top of
the endangered species list,

a m*therf*cking dragon!

- Oh boy. That is
a big f*cking bird. f*ck!

- Oh yeah. This oughta do the trick.

Peeler! Peeler! Peeler...

- I love you, sweetheart! Don't give up!

- Oh my god, what am I doing?

I can't give up.
I have people who love me.

I won't let my mom
watch me die in a G-string.

- Mm!

I am delighted and disturbed
by how good that smells.

- Blinkerquartz,
give Patrick a f*cking teammate!

- Mm-hmm.

Hm...

I have, um, bucks on Patrick.

- Ooh! I want some of that action.

$ trillion on Hat Trick!

- Uh...
- Don't panic, Patrick!

I'm a certified dragon specialist,

and I'm here to help.

- Don't panic, Patrick!

We're here to save you!

Oh sh*t! It's a m*therf*cking dragon!

Wow, Blossom. They really hate you.

Merriman sucks! Merriman sucks!

We're ambivalent about Blossom,
but Merriman sucks!

- Merriman?! And Blossom?!

Why does she have that poor person
costume on? In public?

- My little crotch fruit returns, eh?

Release the gladiators!

- Say hello to the RKG- !

It's an HR nightmare.

I need to get up to the old man!

Where the hell'd you learn that?

- Public school.

Ha!

- Holy sh*t!

You stole my crown, sonny boy.

Come get your spanking.

- With pleasure.

That came out weird.

I mean I'm about to hurt you,

and you won't be spanking me.

- Oh, this is gonna be epic.

- Back off!
- No! You back off!

- You back up first!

- Epic.

- Cousin! Come back here!

- Get away from him,

you bitch and/or bastard!

- Mom! What are you doing?!

Have you all gone insane?!
Get out of here!

- Patrick! A mother
always protects her baby.

Her baby... Her baby... Her baby...

- Ah! Whoa!

- Oh. I knew you looked familiar.

- Hey! That's as*ault!

Have you gone crazy, Patrick?

- Blarney, you're the first thing
he saw when he hatched!

He thinks you're his mom!

- Aw. Guess I'm missing
something pretty good.

- Blarney!
- Blarney! And also the other one!

- I'm so sad!

- I'm so rich.

- I'm so...

wet?

- On the other hand,
all dragons look alike to me.

I've k*lled us both.
- Ah! Well, thanks a lot, Patrick!

I was in the prime of my--

Oh, who am I kidding?
I've been dying to pull the ripcord.

- That's the answer!

You beautiful, disappointing lush!

- Hey!
- Give me one of your handkerchiefs.

Has anyone laughed at this ever?

- Not even the smallest child.

- I'm gonna blow a hole in this dragon,
and we're home free.

- No, you're not!

Wasting booze is party foul
number one, brother!

- This... is...

not... a party!

- Holy sh*t!

- What the f*ck?

BLARNEY/PATRICK:
Ah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

- It worked!

We're alive! Oh.

That's the closest I've ever
come to giving up on my oath.

I will never tempt fate again.

- Not your finest hour.

- Are you okay to fly, my friend?

Yeah, me neither. Come on.
There's a great after-party at the dump.

- You're dumb!
- 'Fraid not.

You are, and Vanessa agrees, right, baby?

Give her back...
- Everybody!

Your so-called king thinks
this children's toy is the queen!

Is this the leader you want?

Say goodbye to your girlfriend.

- You'll address her as Mother.

- No...

- Silly me. Guess that
wasn't an exploding one.

Oh, Dad. Jesus...

- Your king has wet himself!

You know what to do.

Insolent fools!
Don't you remember?

I pee, you pee!

- Twelve years ago,

I made a choice that this man
was unfit to lead.

Now, it's your turn to make a choice.

If you disagree with me, you now must pee.

- My pants are dry, Your Majesty!

- My pants are dry, Your Majesty!

- Uh-huh. I spilled beer on my pants,

so it looks like I peed myself,

but I don't want that crazy old king,
Your Majesty!

- My pants are dry, Your Majesty.

- I have never been
so proud to be your king.

Or even proud at all!

I won't let you down,

until the next time I let you down.

- Ow! Ow!

- Oh god.

Nice ass, Patrick!

- All hail the rightful ruler,
King Merriman.

All hail King Merriman!

- Thanks for keeping Crownie safe.

- Thanks for coming back to save me.

- Ah, I was running errands
in the neighborhood anyhow.

- I will never let you down again, sire.

Kiss each other!

It's over for you hoes!

- Danielle's a psycho,
but I'll miss her, Broth.

Wherever she is, I hope she's okay.

- I hope she's dead.

- Oh, f*ck my life.

A lifetime of planning,
and I was only on the throne for a week.

Oy vey.

That was amazing.