06x04 - The Big One

[bunniefuu]

NATHAN: Previously, on "Workin' Moms:"

I think we need to
talk about boundaries.

What's the problem?
You said you'd be there for me.

Colleagues don't shove semen

into other colleagues' vaginas,
traditionally.

You can't just put her in
a car without a car seat!

- I'm sorry, I didn't know.
- You know, honestly, Sloane,

I am not sure you're
cut out to be a mother.

(SHEET RUSTLES)

It's a proposal of an
expose about multi-level

- marketing companies.
- What, like pyramid schemes?

Yeah, this sh*t's insidious.

SLOANE: Ah! She's spittin' fire.

These pyramid schemes are goin' down!

- Is this a joke?!
- It's called a pivot.

This is my kid that
you're talking about,

- this is my little...
- Okay. Okay.

Your book might actually sell now,

- how about a thank you?
- f*ck you.

(CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOUT)

Welcome to the inaugural "Val's pals,"
everyone!

I can't believe you dragged us
back to "Mommy and me".

No, no, no, this is not "Mommy and me".

This is Val's pals, TM.

The kids are free to join,
but this is really about the pals.

Last I checked,
I didn't have to pay for my pals.

Yeah, Val, you've somehow
monetized friendship.

I'm a very good friend.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- Yeah.

Look... no, wait! Here's something fun,

just for the pals... Husband swap,

- who would you bangalang?
- What?

- I'm not gonna play this!
- Lionel, right?

- What the f*ck did you just say?!
- Okay, maybe I pushed a button there.

- Yeah, this has been real. Thanks.
- No wait!

I got you something!

(SIGHS) Okay.

What is this?

It's an invitation to my birthday!

It's the big one!

- An invitation to nothing?
- Yeah, it's blank. (SCOFF)

I was kinda hoping you
two could plan something.

- Ohhh!
- Oh wow.

It'd be nice.

We were just-we were already uh,
talking about it.

- Invite Lionel.
- What the f*ck?!

You gotta stop that. You gotta stop it.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(DOOR SLAMS, ALARM BEEPS ON)

- Hey!
- Hey, you ready to relax, bitch?

Oh! I really need this.

I know, I wanna release the
f*ck out of some tension.

Hmm. Thank you for this.

Helloooooo! ♪ It's my birthday ♪

- ♪ On the day I was born ♪
- How old is she even turning?

I don't know,
she said it was "the big one."

- ?
- No dude, like, the big one!

? Not ?

- VAL: Hello, it's my birthday!
- Huh?

BOTH: Happy birthday!

Oh, my very best friend is here!

And Anne, too. I'm so excited for a day

- of pampering with my girlies!
- Hmmm.

Yeah. How'd you swing
a rezzo to this place?

I've been trying to get
in here since they opened.

Oh, this place?
I um, actually, I didn't.

- Yeah, it's a funny story, uh...
- (BOOMING BASS PLAYS IN A CAR)

Yeah, well, that's not helping.

- Very loud.
- (BOOMING RHYTHMIC BASS)

So look, Sloane actually got
the reservation for this place,

I didn't want to tell you

'cause I thought you wouldn't come,

and the whole book cover thing,
ancient history.

We can laugh about it now,
you know what I mean?

She-she probably doesn't even remember,
it's the truth.

VAL: Sloane,
I've heard so much about you!

Hey, bestseller.

Okay, so she remembered, but listen,

just keep it together for Val, right?

Anne? Anne?

Anne? Anne?

So, here we go.

We have aromatherapy, deep tissue,

- and Thai massage.
- You hear that?

Maybe someone can finally
massage the bitch out of you.

I'll massage the bitch out of you.

- Good luck.
- SYMONE: Ahem!

A gentle reminder that the
club has a whisper-only policy

to ensure peace and
tranquility for all our guests.

Hey, what were you thinking
inviting her?

Look, I know she's not
your favorite person.

No sh*t! I'd rather let
Jayme cut my hair

than hang out with that
wide-awake nightmare.

I know you guys are co-workers,
but she sucks, dude.

She just says whatever
she's thinking. It's a lot.

Yeah, it kinda reminds me
of another person in my life.

- Okay.
- Look, today is about Val.

Okay? And whatever
birthday Val is having.

So I need you to try, all right?

Truth be told,
I don't totally know how to act

- around Sloane today, either.
- What do you mean?

I thought you guys were cool now.

I um, I may have put us in a...

conflict of interest situation. Hmm.

What?

Uh, let's just say
there was like, a fire,

and I put out the fire, it's gone.

And I don't know if I should tell her

about the fire that I put out.

I genuinely hate your analogies.

- Yeah.
- If there's no fire,

- why sound the alarm?
- Right. Exactly.

- I'm not gonna tell her.
- Great. Okay.

Let's go get pretzeled by some Russians.

Yeah.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)

No need to stay so north of the border,
my good man.

Typically we start with the shoulders.

Do whatever you need to
do to get the tension out.

Remember, this body is a wonderland.

You know,
I'm not really supposed to say this,

but you have beautiful shoulders.

Yeah, yeah, just get the job done.

What do you think of these shoulders?

Uh, they're-they're fine.

Fine, or like... fiiine?

Can you focus on my neck,
that's where I hold

- all my tension.
- MASSEUR: Mm-hmm.

Speaking of tension,
did you see the look

on Anne's face when you walked up?

What got a bee in her bonnet?

Don't get me wrong,
I love me a sour bitch,

but I prefer the fun kind.

Unfortunately,
she never holds back, you know?

Yeah, I know.

You have absolutely
incredible skin elasticity.

It's-it's like touching a newborn.

So I've been told.

I too am... hot?

Oh, I can adjust
the temperature for you.

MASSEUR: Ooh!
And your arms, they're so supple.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Oh, my good man, are you hard?

- No, no.
- Well, yes, you are,

I can see it, hard as a rock.

It's all right, perfectly natural.

I'm sure it happens with
all the beautiful women.

You're excited, the blood is flowing.

- I'm absolutely not excited.
- Yes, you are.

I can see it.

Hard like a rock.

♪♪♪

(WATER LAPS GENTLY)

This water's so warm, huh?

It's so nice.

How you doin', you been good?

- What's going on?
- (LAUGHS) Nothing.

Nothing, I'm just-I'm just having fun,

I'm just making some conversation.

- Kate.
- Uh, there was a fire.

- Where?
- It's out.

It's totally out, and because it's out,

we don't need to tell anyone
about the fire, right?

- I don't gotta tell anybody.
- For f*ck's sake.

- Is this a metaphor?
- Yes, sorry, uh,

but I really would like your blessing

- to not talk about the fire.
- At this point I would pay you

- to stop talking about the fire.
- What fire?

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Good. Yeah.

Hey, should you be in the hot tub?

You know with the whole uh...

- Oh, the whole baby thing?
- Yeah.

It's not a problem. It didn't take.

- Oh sh*t, dude, I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

You could try again, you know.

No, I'm good.

- Hey!
- (VAL SIGHS)

Oh! Look at the ass on that one.

What I wouldn't give
for an industrial-sized

dump truck like that.

- To Val!
- To Val!

Shhhh!

(WATER BABBLES SOFTLY)

(FAINT CALMING MUSIC)

(SIGHS HEAVILY) Did you take a day off

from ruining authors' lives
today, Sloane?

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) You said
you were gonna try, Anne.

You got something to say
to me there, red?

- Yeah, I might.
- Or are you just gonna slap me?

I thought this was gonna
be a close friends-only

kind of party, I didn't think
that someone who humiliated me

- on TV was gonna be invited!
- Shhh!

Sorry, you think you were humiliated?!

My ass was on the line when
you and bestie over here

pulled that stunt in front of the board,
and for what?

Middling sales at best?

Oh, maybe if you were
better at your job,

you wouldn't need to
rely on hack marketing!

Yeah, well, maybe if you weren't
such an assh*le all the time,

we wouldn't have to resort
to "hack marketing."

- Oh, really?!
- Really!

Ladies! Just a gentle
reminder to lower your voices.

Totally, loud and clear, sorry.

Do you know what,
I didn't come here to be att*cked!

Oh, uh... did you just
splash a black woman's hair?

What, are you f*ckin' nine?!

You happy ruining Val's birthday?!

No, no, no getting older
ruined my birthday.

You're just snuffing out the candles.

- Shhh!
- Oh...

- (IN UNISON) You f*ckin' shush!
- Who invited you, anyways?!

I don't think I did anything wrong here.

Okay, now I have to ask you to leave.

- Yeah. All right, we're goin'.
- Yeah, let's go!

- You wanna go? You wanna go?
- No, no!

- Let's f*ckin' go!
- Let's go! - I'm out!

- You stop it!
- Stop it, we're out!

- You stop it!
- We're out! We're out!

I never get to go in hot tubs.

I never get to go in hot tubs, ever!

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES, HORNS HONK)

(LOW HUM OF PATRON CHATTER)

(SILVERWARE CLINKS)

(LOW HUM OF PATRON CHATTER)

Okay, this is super depressing.

Guys, why don't we just
start by apologizing

for what happened back there, okay?

Anne?

- Sloane?
- Fine, I'm... I'm sorry.

For?

Spending time with Anne
in the first place.

- No.
- This is the worst day of my life.

It is!

You know, this is supposed
to be my last good year,

and frankly, what's good about it?

I work, come home,
bang Mel within an inch of his life,

go to bed, repeat.

You have sex every day?

- You get to be my age...
- And that age is...?

And nothing is really exciting anymore.

Remember how fun birthdays
were when you were a kid?

The thrill of a clown.

The magic of a bouncy castle.

Playing truth or dare.

Then suddenly you find yourself
eating lightly salted lettuce

in a desperate attempt to hang
on to any semblance of youth.

Ohh!

Now, that looks delicious.

What I wouldn't give for a bite of that.

I cannot take this sh*t anymore.

I dare you to go take a bite
out of that man's sandwich.

- Pardon me?
- You heard me.

Walk over there,

you say hello,

take a bite of that man's
sumptuous chicken parm sandie.

Oh, I couldn't.

(LAUGHS) That's fine.

Why do anything exciting?

Might as well just quietly
slip into old age instead.

♪♪♪

- No.
- Yeah.

- (SLOANE AND VAL CHUCKLE)
- Oh sh*t!

♪♪♪

- Hello.
- Hi.

- It's my birthday.
- Okay, so happy...

- Hey! What?!
- Mmm!

- Excuse me!
- Mmm!

- Mm-hmm!
- What?

- Mm-hmm! Mmm!
- Huh?

Mmmm! (MOANS)

That must be a damn good sandwich!

That's my girl!

Mmm! Meet you b*tches outside,

let's get this party started, huh?!

(CACKLES WILDLY)

- Dude, come on. Pay, pay, pay!
- What?

- You got it.
- I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

Oh! Holy sh*t, I'm alive!

(ALL LAUGH)

All right, ladies, it is dare night...

in the middle of the g*dd*mn day.

Foster, you're up.

- Whaaat?
- Giddy-up, Kate!

Truth or dare, really?

I didn't realize I was at
one of Alice's parties.

Hey, no truth in this game.

All right, all right,
all right, so what's my dare?

(LAUGHS) Okay, okay, okay.

- Uh... (LAUGHS)
- What?

I dare you to flash them.

- She's not gonna flash them.
- Who, them? I'll do it, yeah.

- What?
- Yeah, what are the parameters?

Both nerps, full ten mississippis.

Well, that is the legal
measurement of time.

You flash 'em, I'll moon 'em.
Solidarity.

Ah, nah-uh-uh-uh,
you've had your moment, this is Kate's.

- Can I count?
- Sure!

- This is my moment.
- ANNE: Oh my god.

(SLOANE AND VAL GIGGLE)

- Oh my lord!
- One Mississippi.

- Two Mississippi.
- Little slow Val, come on!

- Three Mississippi.
- Is that a birthmark?

- Four Mississippi.
- You want to count a little faster?

Pick up the pace!
What do you say? Come on!

- Five Mississippi.
- Oh!

- Oh my god! Oh!
- ANNE: Hey! Hey! You peeping tween!

What the f*ck? Gimme that!

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- That's my phone!

It was an Android,
it's probably gonna explode anyway.

♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪
- (COME ON)

♪ Young rap girl ♪

♪ This is the anthem, folks ♪

♪ You know I'm known
to make 'em mad ♪

♪ It's the tantrum flow ♪

♪ Yeah, I hear a lot of talk ♪

♪ And they're saying this and that ♪

♪ Look I'm gettin' real sick
about to tell 'em get the gat ♪

♪ Make it nasty he's
sliding like skates ♪

♪ But lookin' like you wanna eat,
this is steak, yeah ♪

♪ I think you're choosin'
but know I got the option ♪

- (DEEP INHALE, GROWL)
- (CHILDREN SCREAM)

♪ I need one for the money
two times for the show ♪

♪ This is where you take notes ♪

♪ On how to really k*ll a flow ♪

♪ Mix the henny with the coke
make the room move slow ♪

♪ Speed it up and make the club,
buss it down to the floor ♪

♪ Wait, holler, I think I got
the next dude on the way ♪

- (GASPS) Lady!
- Oh, I'm just playin'.

I'm messin' with you,
she's gorgeous, by the way.

Congratulations, congratulations.

SLOANE: (LAUGHS) You crazy bitch!

- (LINE RINGS)
- Oh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Yes, Richard Greenwood?

Congratulations,
you are our grand prize winner!

Is this for the steaks?
Honey, we won the steaks! Huh!

(ALL LAUGH)

♪ Buss it, buss it,
buss it, buss it ♪

♪ Go ahead and buss it ♪

♪ Buss it, buss it, buss it ♪

Yes, I'd like to place an
order for CeeCee Mitchell.

Mm-hmm, I would like uh,
one beehive, please.

♪ Go ahead and buss it ♪

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

Aaah! (GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING) Oof!

♪ Buss it, buss it,
buss it, buss it ♪

- (MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP)
- (BIRDS CHIRP)

(COUGHS, GASPS)

(LAUGHS) I'm okay!

♪ Go ahead and buss it ♪

♪ Throw it in the mirror like
you do it out in public ♪

Hello, is your refrigerator running?

♪ She dig don't care and
they know we really... ♪

Better go catch it! (LAUGHS)

- (ALL JEERING) Booooo! - That's terrible!
- What? It's a classic!

♪ Go ahead and buss it,
buss it, buss it ♪

♪ Buss it,
buss it buss it, buss it ♪

♪ Go ahead and buss it, buss it ♪

♪ Go ahead and buss it, buss it ♪

♪ Buss it,
buss it buss it, buss it ♪

- ♪ Go ahead and... ♪
- (ALL LAUGH)

- Oh my God!
- Ah! It's so good! So good.

Oh! All right, dare master,
what do you got for Anne?

- No, no, I'm good.
- No, come on, dude, try something.

Ah, okay, fine.
But just like, nothing too crazy.

All right, uh, I dare you to...

take a little birdbath
in that fountain there.

Okay, that's a reasonable dare.

Ooh, then we all get to make a wish!

I mean, and spend the rest
of the day soaking wet?

- No way!
- Right, no fun.

- No!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, nobody else complained,
but fair enough.

Let's play to your strengths. Uh...

I dare you to go up to that guy

and give him your
uncensored opinion of him.

Should be easy enough for you.

Unlike some people, I don't go around

giving my unsolicited
opinions like a psycho! No!

Are you unfamiliar with the game?
It's a dare.

"Are you unfamiliar with the game?"
No! No!

- Pick another one.
- Anne, you gotta do something, come on.

I knew she didn't have it in her,
can we skip her?

No, I don't wanna be skipped,
I just want a fun, harmless dare.

- Yeah.
- Okay, uh...

I got it.

- Mm-hmm? Okay.
- Come on, Anne!

I dare you to go give that guy a kiss.

- VAL: (GASPS) Ohhhh! Oh!
- (SLOANE CHUCKLES)

I-I'm not gonna cheat on
my husband for a dare.

And who knows what infectious
diseases that guy has!

- No way!
- Oh my God, this is painful!

I'll do it.

- Wha...
- Great, go.

- (FRUSTRATED EXHALE)
- KATE: Jesus.

- Hi.
- KATE: Is she gonna...

- (VAL GIGGLES, GASPS)
- KATE: Oh!

Oh!

It's steamy.

(SHOCKED SCOFF)

♪♪♪

- (RETCHES, VOMITS)
- ALL: Ooh! Oh!

- Oh!
- SLOANE: (COUGHS)

That bad, huh?

Oh, that's nice.

♪♪♪

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES, HORNS HONK)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

Pretty hot kiss, minus the barf.

Which is weird, because
I usually have an iron stomach.

Oh, maybe you caught
something from bench guy.

- You know, we could call it.
- Are you kidding?

The fun just started!

That was a puke and rally situation.

Ah, pull the trig,
and then you're good to go, I love it.

That's right, baby.

Well...

At least you know you're not pregnant.

(LAUGHS)

You did take a pregnancy test, right?

I didn't need to, I know my body,
it's not spawning.

Oh yeah, what does "spawning" feel like?

- Tiny fingernails scratching.
- Mm-hmm.

(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES)

I got a dare for you.

(SNORT LAUGHS)

I'll admit it, Val,
the shirt was a good purchase.

VAL: You want me to run back
and see if they have a small?

- It would look good on you.
- No, I already got it, so.

- Hmm.
- What about a pair of... hmm?

No, I'm, I'm good.

Hey, you good?

Yeah, of course. I'm not pregnant.

And in two minutes,
this little test will prove it.

Okay, because if you are...

I told you, I'm not. I can't be.

Well, those are two different things.

I'm not pregnant.
I shouldn't be, anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't have what
it takes to be a mother.

- What?
- The f*ck?!

Who the f*ck told you that?
That doesn't sound like you.

- Not at all.
- Look, if you are pregnant,

your kid's gonna be a d*ck,
just like you.

- Okay.
- What the f*ck?

That's a step backwards, my friend.

What I'm trying to say is,
the one thing I know

- about difficult people...
- Excuse me?

...is that we make great moms.

Headstrong, opinionated, assh*le women

make headstrong,
opinionated, assh*le kids.

And that's not a bad thing.

It's the one reason I know that

Alice is gonna be okay in this world.

Well, I appreciate the pep talk,
ladies, but again,

- not pregnant.
- But if you are,

I'd throw money down
that you'd be great at it.

(TRAFFIC HUMS IN THE DISTANCE)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

Valeria! I almost forgot,
I got you something!

Oh no, save your pregnancy test, Kate.

- I love condoms.
- What?

Yeah, can't get enough of 'em.

They just make it feel better. You know,

actually, I'm addicted. And honestly,

I can't come without 'em, call me nuts.

- I got you a cupcake.
- Oh my God,

even better, I love cupcakes.

(LAUGHS) I know it's not a cake,

but I figured a-a birthday of um...

- this magnitude...
- Oh, yes!

And that birthday is...

Do neither of you know how old I am?

No, we do, we do, we totally do.

We just were hoping
you were gonna say it.

Good, so you know I'm turning...

- .
- .

- Did you just say ?
- Did you say ?

- No, I said .
- ?

- I thought you said it was the big one!
- It is the big one.

Well, the big one before the big one.

- Well, that's...
- is your last good year.

is just a slip 'n slide to .

And is the big, big one.

And then it's a crapshoot after that.

Oh God, I've depressed myself.

(HORNS HONK, TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

♪♪♪

- f*ck it!
- Where you goin'?

Anne.

Anne!

What?

- What-aaah!
- Do it!

- VAL: Wooooooo!
- KATE: Oh my God!

- (HORN HONKS)
- (LAUGHS)

(ALL CHEER) Woooooooooo!

Are you happy now?

Not as happy as you are,
look at that smile on your face!

Crazy bitch!

♪♪♪

(CRICKETS CHIRP)

(LIGHT BUZZES ON)

♪♪♪

♪ I'm lost in the light ♪

♪ I pray for the night ♪

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND SHUT)

♪ Take me, take me too ♪

(KEYS JINGLE)

♪ After so many words ♪

♪ Still nothin's heard ♪

♪ Don't know what we should do ♪

♪ So if someone could see me now ♪

- ♪ Let them see you ♪
- (LIGHT CLICKS ON)

♪♪♪

♪ They help you to ♪

♪ See you through ♪

♪ All the hard things ♪

♪ We've all gotta do ♪

♪ Because this life is long ♪

♪ And so you wouldn't be wrong ♪