08x03 - The Rippers

[bunniefuu]

You were gettin' caught up
with your pals the other day...

Have yous ever
heard of sober October?

That's an emo band
from Hamilton?

No, it's just like being sober
for the whole month of October.

Oh, one month off booze ain't
gonna cleans out your livers.

Might help you a wee bit
on the scale, though.

Everything in moderation.

You ever heard of

‐no nut November?
‐What's that?

Oh, I bet it's got something to
do with not nuttin' in November.

Regular ejaculations decreases
your risks of prostate cancer.

Oh, no, f*ck.
Now we're havin' fun.

It's good cardio though.

Somethin' you tryna
say to me, Dary?

But I was reading
about this thing called

b*at your d*ck December.

b*at your d*ck December?
What's the rumpus grumpus?

Well, you look at the calendar,

and if it's like the first,
second or the third,

that's how many times per day
you need to mix a batch.

So, on the 20th of December, you
got to mix 20 separate batches?

You got'er pontiac.

There's 30 days hath September,

June and November.
All rest, 31, so...

So, on the 31st,
you'd have to batch 31 times?

You heard it here first.

How's he gonna f*ck that pig?

Well...

From the 1st to the 5th,
you're having a good time.

And even up until the 10th.

The 12th, you're
starting to fade.

And by the 15th, you're
definitely not full bars.

Oh, I don't think I could
continue past the 15th.

Yeah, me neither.

Wayne?

Yeah.

You're saying you could
batch 15 times on the 15th

despite the fact that you
batched 14 times the day before,

13 times the day before that

and so on and so forth
back to one?

Yeah.

Could, could you do 20?

‐Yeah.
‐Stay hydrated.

What say we pick up
the conversation on the 25th?

Oh, yeah, the 25th.
Christmas Day.

That presents some obstacles,
what with family obligations

‐or what not. You need a plan.
‐What's the plan, Dan?

Please explain, Wayne.

Well this, like everything,
starts with diet.

What's on the menu?

Oh, you'd want foods that boost
your testosterone, likely.

Judging by biceps over there,

I think that's already
on the menu, likely.

Oatmeal, tuna, red meat,

and poultry.

Remember when I said
stay hydrated?

A person should
always stay hydrated, Dary.

How would you maneuver
around your family?

Yeah. Nieces and nephews.

You wouldn't.

I really think
you should, Wayne.

You're goin' away for Christmas.

No, uh,

Destination Christmas?
There has to be an alternative.

‐There's no alternative.
‐What about presents?

Real men finish what
they started, Dary.

‐He's right.
‐So, now, the critical

component in all this, I think,

is sleep.

I hadn't even thought of that.

Well, you've hammered on it
25 times in 24 calendar hours.

And, the day before,
you've hammered on it

24 times in 24 calendar hours.

And so on and so forth.
Back to one.

Yeah, you'd need
a good night's sleep.

Oh, some nappin'
in there for sure.

Yeah, you'd be pretty
worn out from all that

Christmas Eve hustle and bustle.

So, I would suggest
getting us all 12 hours of sleep

to rest and replenish,
then wake up,

hammer on it twice an hour

for the next 12 hours
to meet your quota.

Twenty‐four times
in 12 hours is still 1 shy

of your Christmas Day quota?

I know.

So, when'r you gonna squeeze
out your 25th squeezers?

- Dealer's choice really.
- No.

No.

Not a single 12 hour effort.

It's too many variables
in a window that small.

Too much uncertainty.

You're saying you'd use
the full 24 hours?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're on
m*llitary time now.

- When do you start?
- Zero dark.

But that's when Santa comes.

And then?

Zero dark thirty.

So, you'd hammer out
the first two

in the first hour you're awakes?

- Can confirm.
- And then what?

Once an hour for the
remaining 23 hours?

- You bet.
- Holds water.

- Stay hydrated.
- All that you wanna do

is you wanna set your alarm
to wake you up

every hour on the hour.

And the program is, you wake up,
hammer on it, sleep,

wake up, then you'd hammer
on it, then you'd sleep.

And so on and so forth?

Well, some snackin'
in there for sure.

Yeah, handful of trail mix.

You've hammered out
your first two

at zero dark
and zero dark thirty.

Could even back to back
those fellas if you're

feeling good out of the gate.
Then, it's sheets.

0100 hours, just up the road.

And stay hydrated, of course.

That's some snackin' in there
for sure. Need some snacks.

You'd think you'd
wanna do it standing up

so your muscles don't atrophy.

I think if anything,
they'd hypertrophy.

- I think so too.
- Would you alternate hands?

Oh, you'd have to.

25 one‐arm squeezers

sounds like a lot of unnecessary
strain on the heart.

Yeah, you'd definitely need a
helping hand from the other guy.

And you'd stick with
that program till the 31st?

Yup. Wake up.
Hammer on it. Snack. Nap.

Wake up. I'd need to
hammer on it. Snack and nap.

- And so on and so forth?
- Rinse and repeat.

Have you considered
performance enhancers?

The fact you'd even present that

says a lot about ya, good buddy.

You could just as easily
call it antisocial December.

- Wayne?
- Dary.

Could you make it to 31?

Oh, if I've ex*cuted Christmas,
for a total of...

Ballpark 325 squeezers
in 1 fiscal month...

You're a man on fire.

It's like I'm indestructible
by both scientific

and pop‐culture standards.

t*nk‐like momentum.

So?

Yeah.

Theme music playing...

*LETTERKENNY*
Season 08 Episode 03

*LETTERKENNY*
Episode Title: "The Rippers"

Synchronized by srjanapala

Holy f*ck.

Look at this coming.

Could you be any
f*ckin' louder, bud?

All singin', all dancin', bud.

Jaker!

Hey, put some f*ckin'
clothes on, cousin.

Not my forte, cousin.

Ooooh, there's that good old,
warm Canadian welcome.

Well, every other country
f*ckin' hates ya

so we may as well give you
some love, am I right?

That's what family's for.

Who called you, you old devil.

Need not call the devil, cousin.
He'll come all on his own.

Those Westboro Baptists
teach you that ones?

Squirrelly.

How'd you find your way up here

when you can't even point out
the country on a map, big fella?

Big fella?
I guess that's fair.

We still got
trans‐fats stateside

but they banned 'em up here
so, what's your excuse?

- Maple syrups.
- Huh.

- Well, get up, Dary.
- Wasn't gonna.

What, you scared I'll put you
in the sharpsh**ter again?

That was the Boston Crab
last time.

A Canadian correcting
an American on wrestling moves.

What a time to be alive.

sharpsh**ter is a Canadian move,

which I've since learned
how to reverse.

Hey, you may farm cattle, Dary,
but you're all chickenshit.

I'd have some balls
taking one of yours

when Michigan's got
the cheapest beer stateside.

What kind of watered down swill
did you bring us this time?

Call this one sixteen bucks.

And I call this one 15.95.

That is absolute horse sh*t.

Call someone who cares, Dan.

But you better use my cell phone

since yous pay three times
the price for that as well.

How many months have you
been back from your first tour

- Jaker?
- Two.

Let me hear you count
that high, Dary.

So, are you planning
on going back then?

f*ck yeah. Get some.

Well, yanks love their country,

so, whatcha gonna
say about yanks?

So, what brings you up north?

Well, what do you do when
your cousint's down in a hole?

- You get right down there with him.
- You get right down there with him.

- Sorry, chief.
- You can't win em all, chief.

Had your bachelor party
all planned out and everything.

Well, I'm not usually one
for that sort of pageantry, so.

But do you wanna know what?

Well, it depends
if what's worth knowing.

The big plan
for your bachelor party

is also the same plan that's
gonna get you over the hump here

- Really?
- Why are you so squirrelly?

No.

They oughtta stop
calling you squirrelly.

I think I know
what's on deck here.

Five bucks says you do,
shady Katy.

Yous are goin' off Broadway.

The ballet.
The cabaret.

The showroom.
The S‐club.

- The juice bar.
- The observatory.

The night shift.

Take a little trip to Euhornia.

Investigate area 69.

- The dollar holler.
- The snail tracker.

What the f*ck
are yous talking about?

Merry titsmas, cousint.
We're going to the rippers.

- The what?
- The peelers.

- Huh?
- We're going to the strip club.

Hooray!

Now, I see why
you were so f*cking squirrelly.

We're gonna plunk you right
up front in the meat seats.

Right up gyno‐row.

We'll be so close,
you'll be able

- to hear the ocean.
- No.

I'mma take that
nickname away from you

if I don't start
seeing some squirrelly.

There's no way
I can do that

and looks Professor Tricia
in the eye.

We've come too far as a species

to take part in such
primitive behaviors.

- Hey, Dan.
- Yeah.

- What's better than a lecture?
- What?

A leave.

Okay.

I'm gonna go eat your food.

Well, I really do
appreciate it cousint,

but I think I'll take a pass.

Too late, good buddy.

Your best pal got at me
to get this sorted

eight fiscal weeks ago.

- Who me?
- No.

- Then who?
- Wayne, how are you now?

- McMurray, what?
- That's right.

- How are you...
- How are you now?

- Well, not bad.
- How are you now?

- Fine, I said how are you now.
- Fine, count to three.

- So, you know.
- Stop talking.

- I know. Three.
- One, two, three.

- And then, I stop talking.
- That's when you f*cking stop.

- Told him to stop talking.
- Don't you start talking now.

You're only making it worse.

It's not gonna get any better
unless you stop talking.

They've been here all night?

They keep drinking,
I keep pouring.

Yeah!

But you can't
legally serve booze

between the hours
of 2am and 11am.

I don't give a sh*t.

Oh!

What's first, gents?

Bench press? Leg press?
m*llitary press?

- Press pause.
- You're done working out.

- Why?
- Need to be quick in a fight.

It's like being a hockey player.
Bulk will only slow you down.

expl*sive speed. Agility.

- Excuse me?
- What?

Our job was to get him muscle.

Your job is to teach him
how to use it.

- Sit down.
- We will

absolutely not sit down.

- Sit down.
- As you wish.

Why the precipitous
modification of course?

I got jacked so I could fight.

- And win.
- I'm packin'.

I'll say.

- Mmm.
- Mmm‐hmm.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- So, what's the problem?
- You can't take a punch.

- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

- Roald.
- Roald!

- Dude.
- Good. Come.

Sit.

- Roald?
- Stewart.

Roald's on our team
for this one.

Um.
Can we be on Stewart's team?

We'll be on Stewart's team.

What are we even doing here?

- Cousint?
- Cousint.

All know, I generally pass
on this sort of pageantry.

Give him a kick
in the bum, cousint.

Suck it up, buttercup.

I'm going to the outlet malls.

I'll be back to pick yous up
in a couple hours.

If you yanks have one thing
sorted, it's your shopping.

Adios.

Why'd we have to come
stateside for this?

Everyone knows the best
rippers are stateside.

Especially my buddy, Dierks.

- Dierks?
- Yeah. Like Dierks Bentley.

Dierks. That man is a legend.

- You know him?
- Of course, I do.

Who do you think
helped me orchestrate

this for my best friend Wayne?

- And he's a legend?
- Of course, he is.

Why do you think they
call him ol' long d*ck Dierks?

Dierks loves peelers
and the peelers love Dierks.

- Oh, is that what they do?
- Course, they do.

Why do you think they call
him ol' long dong Dierks?

How many guesses do I get?

Maybe yous should call me

ol' long d*ck Dary
while we're in here.

Better clear it with
ol' long d*ck Dierks first.

Gentlemen.

The ballet awaits.

Dierks.

Oh, hi, smooth cock,
how are you?

Ol' long d*ck himself!

Booboo kitty f*ck.
Who's Daryl?

Him.

Well, what's left of him anyway.

Very cool. Very cool, very nice.

- And Wayne?
- Right here.

Yup. This is Wayne.

My best friend, Wayne.

Heard a lot about you, hot beef.

- K.
- Look at you. Very stiff.

Very phallic, very phallic,
Very fresh.

Some quick math.
One, two.

Three, four.

My treat. Ladies, please.

Easy now, Dierksy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

But no thank you.

Respectfully.

Very respectful.
Very respectful.

Very smooth. But it's okay,
big dad. They love it.

No thank you. Respectfully.

Very certain. Very certain.

Very stoic. Your call,
sweet and sexy.

Let's have a drink, cousint.

- Baby steps.
- Your terms are acceptable.

Thank you very much, ladies.

It's not you.

Cheers.

To very hot guys.

Not your type?
Very fair, cute guy.

Very fair, very focused.

Not my type either.
I like a tomboy.

Tomboys are decisive.
Very decisive, very deserving.

Very disciplined.
You like a tomboy?

I'm hammered.

Would you look at
that one over there?

She is something tiny.

Yeah, you should
maybe have an eye.

When McMurray gets hammered,
he starts saying stuff...

She's so tiny, you could
just pick her up,

put her on top of you and then
just jerk yourself of with her.

I'd have a piss.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Oh, Bonnie McMurray!

Yous are going hard.

We owe it to Ovi.

Ovi raised the bar
for Cup celly's.

Ovi! Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!

Hey. Hey. You've been
playing this song all day.

Let's switch it up.

First guy in the room
picks the music, sn*per.

Seniority rules, sn*per.

Jock Jams for days.

Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!

- Ovi!
- Yeah. Okay. Jams.

You're only playing one.

We're number one!
We're number one!

- Okay, okay.
- We're number one!

We're number one!
We're number one!

Hey. Everyone in here
is getting chapped ass.

How many cups have they won?

Talk to me when
you've won a Cupski!

We're number one!
We're number one!

We're number one!
We're number one!

- How are you now?
- Good and you?

- Not so bad.
- What are you doing?

Oh, I'd rather not say.

But I'm doing it haphazardly.

Haphazardly's a funny word.

Do you wanna know
what else is a funny word?

- What?
- Tiramisu.

You in a mood to run the dogs?

Oh, I'm always in
a mood to run the dogs.

- Pitter patter.
- I can't though. Currently.

- Rain check?
- I should say.

I got a Monopoly board
and all the properties

are places from Letterkenny.

- Oh yeah, which one's Boardwalk?
- MoDean's.

MoDean's one, two or three?

You'll have to
come by to find out.

- Soon?
- Sooner than later.

Bring Stormy.

If you don't I'll point you
back where you came from.

- Good enough.
- Talk to ya.

Yup we'll talk to ya.

- Hola.
- Hola.

- Where are yous from?
- Vene‐thwela.

- And you?
- Vene‐fwela.

- And you?
- Vene‐huela.

Is that right?
Say one more time.

- Vene‐thwela.
- Okay.

- Vene‐fwela.
- Okay.

‐ Vene‐huela.
‐ Oh, f*ck, there you go.

The line to the ladies
was too long.

- Okay.
- You're ol' long d*ck's buddy

I'm his acquaintance.

We had your bachelor party all
lined up a couple months back.

Dierks canceled last minute.

- Way she goes.
- Well, no ring, I see.

- Can't win 'em all.
- I'll do the math.

Everyone's always
f*ckin' someone else.

Well, not everyone.

Got any reason
to believe otherwise?

You're a good old boy then.

Dying breed.

Get real. Everybody's always
f*ckin' someone else.

Getting back out there?

Oh, I don't think I...

Have any other option.

Excuse me.

Alejandro. Alijandro.
Allesandro.

- Vene‐thwela.
- Vene‐thwela.

Vene‐thwela.

Why is Roald on your team?

Can't be on the same team
if you're gonna fight.

- We're gonna fight?
- Stewart?

- I refuse.
- Then you fight me.

- You?
- Or me.

- No.
- Good. Roald, then.

- Roald is my best friend.
- Stewart.

Uh, whatever happened
to personal besties?

Put it on a t‐shirt!

I will not strike him.

Don't have to.

Just.

What in the f*ck
is transpiring here?

You can't get hit.
So, you're gonna dodge.

Let your opponent
tire himself out.

When he opens up, bam!

- Finish it, got it?
- Got it.

- Good.
- Go.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- You want to see him

get knocked the f*ck
out in the city?

- No.
- You want to see him layin'

stiff as a board on
the dance floor? Snoring?

No.

Then help your friend!

Roald.

Help me.

I'll love you
till my dying breath!

How the f*ck did you do that?

Dance Dance Revolution.

Well he's tired, finish him.

I will not strike
my best friend.

Stewart.

But I will finish it.

- Somebody count it.
- Is he ready?

You two will be there, right?

- There another hundo in it?
- Yeah.

- Still.
- Many ribs as you can hoover.

So? Is he ready?

Sure.

Can someone
count it out?

Since I first pinned him,

Roald has...

Enhanced.

You want to do what to me?

First of at least a few, boys.

No sex in the champagne room,
tight pants, busy hands.

Where's f*ckin' Dary?

I haven't seen him
since that gal

with the pole moves
got off stage.

Hey, who wants a shotski?

Hey, please and thank you,
cousint.

I wish you'd enjoy the bounty,
tall and regal.

Wish you weren't so f*ckin'
awkward, bud.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

- You want?
- No, thank you.

- Respectfully.
- Thank you, Tyla.

Very cool, very cool.
Very nice, smooth.

So?

What was her steez?

Who?

Your runaway bride. Tits?

Oh, I know a tit man
when I see one.

Like the tits.
Like the ass, too.

I like what's up top most,
you know what I mean?

- The eyes?
- Grey matter, baby boo.

I tell you, I like a tomboy?

You did.

Tomboy knows what she wants.

No one knows
what they want anymore.

But you know
a thing or two about that,

don't you, cute butt?

Yup.

Everyone's always f*ckin'
somebody else.

How you like
ol' long d*ck, cousint?

f*ckin' legend, amirite?

Bottoms up.

If you're not gonna
titty taste nectar,

at least we're gonna get you
Liberace lubricated.

Wayne?

- Dary?
- I'm in love.

With a stripper.

- Wayne?
- McMurray.

It's the stripper.

She's in love with me.

f*ckin' cool, very cool.
Very nice.

Easy Bono.

Don't poke the bear.

They've been drinking for
a c‐hair short of 24 hours.

I think we're good.

Reilly and Jones?

Reilly and Jones?

- He's Reilly.
- He's Jonesy.

You've been selected as
BROdude brand ambassadors.

Congratulations.

Are you seri‐dog?

She's seri‐dog.

Photo.

Sick, buddy.

You guys sponsor the
senior hockey tournament, right?

The National Senior
Hockey Championship?

Yes.

I can't believe
you guys thought of us.

- I didn't.
- Oh.

For the record,
no part of this,

not a shard of it, not a ribbon
of it, not a suggestion of it

- was my idea.
- Oh.

Also, for the record,
every fiber of my being,

internal and external feels

this is a horrifying waste

of time, money, resources
and materials.

And materials?

I believe, the hats
you're wearing

belong on the heads
of legitimate athletes.

Professionals not washed up,
never have beens

taking a victory lap
through whale sh*t.

- Gutty.
- Well, whose idea was it then?

- Kids.
- Kids?

Juveniles, sprouts, squirts,
non- voters.

You know, the kids saw
you on TSN with

all your chirp‐snipe‐celly
and this is

relatable to them, apparently.

It's actually wheel‐snipe‐celly.

Not anymore.

The term "wheel"
has sexual connotations.

And may not and must not be used
by either one of you

while wearing
the BROdude logo, got it?

- Got it.
- Good.

You know, the one win
I've had in this process

is getting the brass to agree
to test you two on a trial basis

before taking it to the media.

Your task is to head up

a regional initiative
branding project.

Basically, because
you're basics...

Start a club.
Right here in Lettercunty.

- Actually, it's pronounced...
- I know how it's pronounced.

See how many people you can get
on board with the BROdude brand

locally and we'll go from there.
Okay?

- Sick.
- Sweet.

How's the photo?

Oh my God.

Has anyone ever told you two

that you're unintentionally
hilarious?

Because this is the lolziest.

Look at you.

You look like you're fighting
a second to second battle

to keep your eyes from crossing.
And you,

when you smile it looks like
you're saying the word "her"

with a dozen "Rs"
at the end of it.

Like, "herrrrrr."

Try it with me. Both of you.

"Herrrrrr."

It's an appropriate look.

Can you work your magic
or should we try again?

No,

never mind, I don't care.

'Cause this will never
go the distance.

You have your task,
start a club.

"Herrrrrr."

W.

They don't ask how,
they ask how many.

Who changed
the f*ckin' tuneskis!

Jock jams for daysss!

Ovi! Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!

Perv row power naps.

Very cool. Very cool,
very critical. Very clutch.

How's the talent up north,
big boy?

I gotta get me
a Canadian girl.

Do they go?
Hook me up.

Why would I do that?

'Cause I'm your buddy Dierks.

- No, you're not.
- Okay.

I'm your pal, Dierks.

I don't like you, dude.

You f*ckin' with me?

I've met a million guys like you

and you're
the worst of 'em all.

Perhaps a little big?

I'm never gonna
f*ckin' see you again,

so let me leave you with this,

clean it up and keep it tidy,

'Cause you're a f*ckin' mess.