01x02 - Tangled up in Blue

[bunniefuu]

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- David just parked.

You know, I don't think
I've ever met Mark's dad.

Well, we've actually been
separated for years,

so he's never been to a
parent-teacher conference before.

- He was working overseas.
- Oh.

Not for money, but, um...

But he's a good dad... yeah.

Not a great dad,
or he would've been on time.

I'm just... I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

We have that kind of relationship,

you know, when he's not around.

Oh, so, so sorry we're late.

Who's this?

This is my girlfriend, Blue.

Blue, this is Darlene,

and... and Mark's teacher,
Mrs... um, Reynolds.

Thank you for having me,

member of the noblest profession.

Ah, and it's so nice
to finally meet you, Darlene.

Yes, it's... nice to meet you, too.

And what a delightful surprise
that it's happening here!

I should've told you
that Blue was coming,

but at the last minute,

she felt that...

I-I mean we felt that if she was here,

she could be a more profound part

of Mark's life journey.

Yeah, I've only met Mark twice,

but I've known him forever.

And, you know, like they say,
the more parents, the better!

Um... who says that? No one says that.

So, why don't we get started.

Uh, yeah, sorry.

I'm... I'm anxious to hear how
Mark's doing in his new class.

First, Mark is an absolute pleasure,

although he can be...
a little too talkative at times.

That is so Mark.

I'm always saying that.
He's so highly verbal.

Totally. You would know, 'cause
you've met him twice, so...

So, uh... Mark's a big talker?

Is that... Is that
affecting his schoolwork?

No. Honestly, it's a struggle
to keep him challenged.

W-W-Well, you know, if you think

he needs some extra work
to challenge him,

we can help him when the kids
stay over this weekend.

H-Hold up. What...
The kids are staying over?

I never agreed to that.

Huh. My smart watch is telling
me to get up and move,

and, I don't know,
now seems like a good time.

You said the kids
could sleep over sometimes.

That's just something you say, like,

"They're your kids, too."

Come on.

I'm trying to make up
for lost time here.

Fine. They can sleep over.

[CHUCKLES] And you do
not have to worry.

I lived on a weed commune...

...where we all shared in
the raising of the children.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, it's easier that way

when you're too stoned
to know whose kid is whose.

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Ah, damn. [CLEARS THROAT]

You okay?

Ah, I'm short a guy at work.

My back's acting up
from hangin' drywall.

Turns out...

I forgot to eat right and exercise

for the last years.

It's never too late.

That's what they say, but...

it is.

Hey, Beck.

What do you need?

Willpower or a beer.

Once again, we have a winner!

Hey, you know what, Deej?

If you want to pick up
a couple extra bucks,

you could help out on my crew.

I am slammed at work.

You know the servicing
of vending machines,

it's not just collecting coins.

Vandals scratch curse words
into the glass.

And they say firemen are heroes.

Hey, Dad?

Mm-hmm?

How come you didn't ask me
to do drywall?

- 'Cause I'm a girl?
- [SIGHS]

Wait, you're not
gonna get me with that one.

No, I didn't ask you
because you're a woman.

Come on. I could really
use the extra money.

I'm saving to put a down payment
on a mobile home

with a patio and a tree
that you can tie yourself to

when the tornado comes.

I'd love to, Beck,
but it's construction.

I'm not comfortable having you around

all that rough language
and dirty jokes,

and I don't think I can cut back.

Women built the pyramids, Dad.

I don't know if that's true,

but I like how quick
you came up with it.

So, is that a yes?

All right, Butch.
We'll give it a sh*t.

Oh!

And, Mom, we'll be fine.

Don't text me every five minutes
when I'm with Dad and Blue.

I won't.

Just remember, any nice
feelings you have about her...

hurt me.

Are you jealous because
new mommy is so pretty?

Ohh. That was rough.

I'm a little wounded...
and kinda proud.

Harris, you come from a long
line of sharp-tongued women

who have found that
this particular gift

keeps them from having any
truly successful relationships

outside the family.

[KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]

Hey. You got everything?

Everything but happiness.

I mean I'm working on it
with a new boyfriend.

Sorry, I-I-I meant bags.

Oh, yeah, we got baggage...

but... [CLEARS THROAT]

We're aware of it,
and as a life coach,

I know that once you're
aware of the problem,

then you can begin
that long, long process.

Uh, yeah...

sensing that
you're still living alone?

Uh, no, no, I've got Bev with me now.

Talking to her is a challenge.

Did you know that
she was beautiful in her day

but neither of her daughters
inherited that?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

So strange being in
- this house without your mom.

When you and I were having problems,

she'd always take me aside and say,

"David, I can't understand you
when you're crying."

Well, you were the daughter
she always wanted.

[CHUCKLES]

How you doing?

Mm.

Up and down.

Well, things look like they're going
really well with you and Blue.

Yeah. Thank you for being
so accepting of it.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Um... did you tell her

that we slept together
like three months ago?

I just need to know in case
I mention it in passing.

Please do not do that.

Okay, but let's be brutally honest.

After we had sex, you were
totally ready to ditch Blue.

Well...

It was great sex.

Yeah. It was.

[CHUCKLING] Don't...
Don't... confuse me.

I-I really think I found
something that works.

[SCOFFS] Really? With her?

Yeah.

Yes, I think I found my soulmate.

That's great. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I just wanted clarity.

As long as we're clear, it's great.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, me. Yeah. Hi. Hi, son.

What happened to your socks and shoes?

We're grounding.

Harris and I are gonna do
it this weekend with Blue.

She says it's a way to be more
connected to Mother Earth.

Uncle David's girlfriend, Blue,
says God is in the dirt.

You replaced this wonderful woman

with "God is in the dirt" woman?

Great to see you, Geena.

I see the w*r has softened you.

Hello, everyone. Name's Becky.

Not gonna lie, I'm also
the boss's daughter.

Just because I may own
this business one day

should not affect how you treat me.

Good morning, Miss Healy.

Nice to see you on time
for your first day.

What's in here?

Water. Duh!

Water has bubbles when you shake it.

There's no bubbles when I shake this.

[SNIFFS] This vodka?

Oh, my God.

Okay...

Who put vodka in my water bottle?

Dwight?

So not cool, man.

Guys, would you go out
and unload my truck?

Thanks.

What the hell's going on?

It's : in the morning.

Sorry, Dad.

I usually take a sh*t

before I start at the restaurant.

Sober Becky wasn't
getting really good tips.

Here's a tip...

if somebody gets hurt on this job,

I lose my license.

That's why I have
a zero-tolerance policy

for alcohol!

And the union's okay with that?

Is this going to be a problem?

Okay, fine.

Sober Becky it is.

We'll all get to know her together.

How come those glasses are still full?

Ha ha!

Señoritas' night.

I-I want to have fun.

I just keep thinking about how
David and his crazy girlfriend

are playing house with my kids.

Well, you're here, you're out,

you're two sh*ts away
from losing Darlene

and discovering...

Dah-leenah!

Look, I know it's hard to hear,

but David found someone,
and so should you.

There is a room full of guys here.

And you're a catch.

You're an educated,

diabetes-free woman in Lanford?

There's only two of us.

All right, let's make this
a drinking game.

Every time we spot
a guy who looks like

he doesn't have a job,
we take a drink,

and then you'll have the courage

to approach the ones who do.

I'm in.

Plaid shirt at two o'clock.
Check it out.

He's wearing a watch
with a leather band.

Yeah, but nobody
wears a watch anymore.

That means he can't afford a phone.

No job!

Hey.

That guy's stitches are even.

Them there's doctor stitches.

Healthcare... job!

If you're not gonna hit that, I will.

Okay, this is pathetic.

Hunting for men or
our lives aren't complete?

We're better than that.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, hi. Yeah, sure.

Gin and tonic?

Yes.

While you're doing that,

I'm gonna get the
on Stitches for ya.

Uh, two gin and tonics, please.

I'm sorry. W-What kind
of gin do you prefer?

Oh, you choose.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes the man chooses. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, well...

Let's see, they got the one with
the fancy English guard guy.

But, you know,
once you put the tonic in,

it most likely is gonna
taste the same anyway.

You know what?

We should probably
be looking at tonics.

Uh, d-do you have a list of tonics?

Um...

Two English guard guys
and your best tonic.

Y-You're not with somebody, right?

Oh, no, I was, but that was, like,

years ago, so I think I'm free.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, I'm Darlene.

I-I got to tell you, I...

I love your curly hair.

But you probably hate it, right?

Everybody always wants
what they don't have.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of
a direct person.

I assume you're talking to me because,

at some point, you want all
this small talk to lead to sex?

It doesn't have to.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm seriously considering it.

Stitches was a bust.

[CLEARS THROAT] Horse
kicked him in the head.

He's not all there.

♪

Hey.

Oh, hey. Hi, you.

Uh, I was just on my way out.

Let me get my shoes on.

Do you mind if we go inside
and talk for a minute?

Oh, yeah, just... just a minute.

I'm late to the place
I was clearly on my way to.

I just thought I'd stop by
and give you an update

on how things are going.

Uh...

Mark's fine and...

Harris is fine, too.

Why would you come over here

to tell me everything's fine?

All right, uh...

Something happened
but nothing's wrong.

Does it look like
I'm enjoying this game?

Harris had a friend over, um...

a boy... and they had sex.

What?!

Wha... How... What do you...

How could you let this happen?!

I was at work and I-I know
that's no excuse

and I-I feel horrible.

Wait, w-why were you at work

when you were supposed
to be watching our kids?!

I couldn't help it.

I started my job at Trader Joe's,

and they made me work overtime

to do all the stupid chalkboards.

They really like my drawings,

which makes me feel good,
but on the other hand...

David!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Look, I-I-I was just as upset
as you are right now,

but...

here's the good news.

Blue was there

and Harris ended up
telling her what happened

and they really bonded over it.

[SCOFFS] Oh, good.

That's the first thing
I was worried about...

how will this affect Blue?!

I know that there's
a lot to talk about,

and we will, but I
have to go to work now.

[SCOFFS] I n... I need this job.

They want me to open early
to stock the stone fruit.

It... It's actually a pretty
big vote of confidence.

Where are you going?

To your house to get my kids.

Stop!

What?!

I don't know. I didn't expect
the "stop" to work, so...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Where are they?

David told me you would
probably be upset.

Come here.

Don't touch me!

I want my kids.

Well, they're upstairs
getting ready to go.

Harris!

You know what?

I... As soon as you found
out this happened,

you should have called me.

I don't have a cellphone.

They k*ll bees.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

See, I didn't realize
you're out of your mind.

That explains how
you got suckered into

letting a -year-old
be alone with a boy.

Harris did not trick me, okay?

We had a very powerful
discussion about sex

and the female body

and getting our needs met

before anything even happened.

Do not move!

You're saying you knew about
this before it happened?

You crystal-licking,
patchouli-smelling hippie bitch!

Hey. I, uh...

forgot my chalk.

So...

...how's everything going?

Um, Darlene is working
through her anger

to get to a more mature place.

I will k*ll you! O-Okay,
okay, all right.

That's... That's... That's
a good... starting point.

Uh, Blue, how do you feel
about Darlene wanting to...

k*ll you?

I think you should get her
out of our house.

Oh, my pleasure, Blue.

Harris, why don't you go
upstairs and get your stuff

and find your brother and knock
the cr*ck pipe out of his hand

and meet me in the car!

Hey, Mark, I'm about to talk
to your sister about sex.

You want to listen in?

Okay, he can't hear anything.

Okay, first of all...

...are you okay?

Yes.

Well, how well do you know this boy?

Pretty well.

Better now.

Look, I know you're mad at me,
but I'm not stupid.

I've heard everything you've said
to me about sex since I was .

Well, then, why didn't you come to me?

Did you tell your mom
you were going to have sex?

No. My mom relentlessly grilled me.

That's why I didn't push you.

I was waiting for you to talk
to me when you were ready.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

What's up?

Just checking my texts.

Oh, nothing from him?

Not yet.

I'm sorry. Boys can be really stupid.

They're training for being men.

[CLEARS THROAT]

He'll call.

You know, or he won't, and
you'll be fine either way.

So, your big thing is that...

you want me to come to you with all
my personal problems and stuff,

and you won't judge me?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, that's
exactly what I want.

Okay, then we need to stop at a drug
store for a morning-after pill,

because I'm worried
- that we used the condom wrong.

I know I'm old enough
to get the pill by myself,

but I'd feel better
if you came with me.

Who talks to their mom
about that kind of stuff?

Hey, Deej. I bought
the "Mamma Mia!" soundtrack.

You want to listen?

Score! Yes!

Okay, great. I wanted
to talk to you in private.

What's up?

I've been thinking
about what you said...

and you're right.

I don't actually think
I can go a whole day...

...without drinking.

Okay. I want to hear a plan.

I believe I can give you

a good half-day's work for now...

...and then work on getting
the other half together.

W-What are we talkin' about?
A month? A year?

Until after Oktoberfest?

I forgot about Oktoberfest.
I love Oktoberfest.

I'm gonna give you six weeks,

and if you still don't
have it under control,

I'm gonna have to pull the job.

I know I can stop.

I hope so.

[LOUDLY] Pierce Brosnan
is a much better singer

than he gets credit for!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey. What do you want?

I'd like to say goodnight to the kids.

Okay, Mark is already asleep,

but if you want, you can go tuck
Harris and her boyfriend in.

I deserve that.

Oh, before you go up, we should talk.

Look, I-I know I screwed up.

The only thing I can say
is that, in the future,

I will watch her like a hawk.

Yeah, you better, because from now on,

they're not coming over
unless you're gonna be home.

And Blue can't be part
of parenting decisions.

Fine. But she's going to be
a part of the kids' lives.

She's gonna be at all
the major life events,

like high-school graduations
and college drop-offs.

Okay, great.

If... If any of our kids
graduate from high school

or go to college,

you can bring Blue and all the
rest of the primary colors.

Will you quit making fun of her name?

They named her Blue

because she wasn't
breathing when she was born.

Wow. That explains a lot.

Um... there's one last thing.

Yeah.

[VOICE BREAKING] It's clear
that things are serious

with you and Blue, so...

...um, I think it's time
we get a divorce.

Yeah, sure, no, I'm...

It makes sense.

It's gonna be weird
not being married to you.

Yeah, I would've thought it got weird

when you started living
with another woman, but...

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

I-It'll be weird not being
married to you, too.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

What's up?

Oh, um, nothing.

I don't know, actually, um...

I don't know why I'm hiding this.

Uh...

I-I met a guy at the bar
the other night,

and, uh, he wants to go out on Friday.

With me.

Cool.

So you like him?

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
we only went out once.

But, you know, I think
he could be my soulmate.

They're old enough
to behave like adults,

but they don't think like adults.

You just got to hang in there.

[SIGHS]

I don't know how you handled it,

with me sneaking in and out of
Darlene's bedroom all the time.

You guys were right downstairs
when we were going at it.

We weren't exactly quiet.

You know, David... [SIGHS]

If you disappeared,

everybody would think
you just ran off again.

I pushed too hard. I felt it.