01x06 - One Flew Over the Conners' Nest

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everybody!

- [Groans]
- Oh, hey, Aunt Jackie.

Haven't seen you in a while.

You and Peter must be
really hitting it off.

Uh, actually, my days are free.

You know Peter... he's got his classes

in early European culture,

and he's a falconer in training

at the Renaissance Faire.

He wears tights.

Kind of put me off at first,

but now I dig it.

I don't get it.

It's just a bunch of smelly hippies

running around eating giant turkey legs.

Ooh, I was sh*t at by the Taliban

so people could do that.

Well, well, well, looky here,

- it's a letter from the City of Lanford.
- I know what that is...

"Clean up your yard or we'll do it."

All right, g*ng,

anything you don't want,
put in the yard.

Nope.

It's a permit to start construction

on a backyard chicken coop.

Oh, I waited at the mailbox
for two weeks

and it comes today.

[Laughs]

This is gonna be great.
I applied for this

so we could have eggs
that are organic and healthy,

and think about how much money
we're gonna save.

How big do you think our egg budget is?

No way we're doing this.

You won't even know it's here.
I'll handle everything.

Except, of course, building it.

You'd have to do that.

We don't need to build anything.

I think the chickens will be
plenty warm right in here.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi, kids. How was school today?

And wouldn't coming home be even better

if you had your very own chicken coop?

We're getting a chicken coop?

I want that so bad!

What is it?

Mary, what would you name your chicken?

Don't.

Cornflakes. I love her so much already!

Please, Grandpa?

We don't have any pets.

I have no way to pay forward
the love you give me.

Please, Grandpa Dan?

Fine.

- I'll build you a chicken coop.
- [Cheering]

Well, if we don't make
the hillbilly hall of fame now,

I don't know what else we can do.

Is Aunt Jackie picking me up soon?

Pretty soon.

Now that you're done with the tables,

I'm gonna let you
marry all the ketchups.

No kid has been allowed
to do that before.

We're reading "Tom Sawyer" this year.

I know what you're doing.

You know, I was as smart as you,
and look what happened!

Mark ready to go?

Not yet. He's having fun!

Let him stay a bit.

- Whatcha got there? Huh?
- It's just a quiz.

[Gasps] Oh!

"Are you financially ready
to start a family?"

I love these quizzes!

Did you know
I'm a woman other women hate?

I know it's just a dumb magazine quiz,

but I'm really stressed about
being able to afford a baby.

Do you have six months
of emergency savings?

Who has that?

I'm a single working mom.

I'm gonna need day care,
I'm gonna need insurance,

I'm gonna need baby furniture.

That's not counting unexpected things.

- Like what?
- I don't know. They're unexpected!

Look, I did the whole quiz.

I am completely financially unprepared

to have a baby... I'm screwed.

Look how much money you're saving

by not drinking while you're pregnant.

What's that?

You know, , bucks a month.

Is that really
how much you think I drink?

That is so hurtful.

That's like $ a day.

Huh, it might be that much.

Maybe more.

Yeah, I'm just saying.

You know, you're doing really good
not drinking for the baby.

How many days has it been?

brutal days.

But, you know, working at a bar
and serving drinks all day

really keeps my mind off it.

The ketchups are married.

Oh, somebody wrote "Aunt Becky sucks"

on the wall back there.

Could've been anybody.

- See you later.
- Bye, Aunt Becky.

[Clears throat]

Oh, Andrea!

- Jackie!
- Hi. I saw you on Facebook.

Congratulations on the baby!

Thank you so much.
That really means a lot.

I'm sorry I had to block you.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I get it.

I'm a woman other women hate.

- Great catching up.
- Yeah.

- Andrea. Hey!
- Hey, Becky.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I saw your Instagram post

about the drink of the month.

Candy-cane margarita sounded fantastic,

so I came down.

It's really just a regular margarita

with a little crushed-up Altoid in it.

Come on, you didn't
come all the way here

- just for a drink.
- Truth?

I wanted to talk to you.

Why me?

When we were going through
the surrogacy together,

I always felt like I could talk to you

and you wouldn't judge me.

Well, not to your face. That's not cool.

So what's wrong?

Remember how bad I wanted a baby?

Yeah.

I can't find that feeling anymore.

I'm really struggling with being a mom.

But look how cute he is.

Yeah, it's 'cause he's sleeping.

I never realized
how selfish babies can be.

I mean, they never leave you alone.

How hard is it to get away from a baby?

You just put it down and walk away.

The baby's not gonna find you.

I'm sorry. It's just
really been a rough day.

But you have money.

Don't you have nannies and stuff?

Yeah, I have nannies,
I have a diaper service,

I have food delivery, and it's
still virtually impossible.

I mean, I have no idea
how poor people do it.

Wow. So you really regret having a baby?

You have no idea how
lucky you are that you can't.

Oh, yeah. Boy, am I lucky.

Mnh! Oh, my God.

Oh. What am I doing?

It's the Altoid. It's weird, right?

No.

[Sniffles] No, it's not that.

I might as well tell you.

I'm pregnant.

You are gonna...

love being a mom!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

So, I just got bored of being retired.

I was gonna travel,

but turns out I'm frightened

of people different than me.

So, maybe stick to the cr*cker Barrel

and you'll be fine.

Here you go.

Oops.

- Dropped your tip.
- Nice try.

I'm not bending down
so you can look at my ass again.

Didn't mean to insult you.

How about...

for a $ ?

[Scoffs]

Wow. Thank you.

What a jerk!

He tried to make me bend down for $ .

Management won't do anything
'cause he's a high roller.

Here's how I deal with creepy guys.

I say, "Show me yours,
and I'll show you mine."

Most of the time, it works,

but the rest of the time,
it's pretty gross.

Hey, guys.

Do you mind if I sit down?

I had kind of a crazy day.

What can I get you?

Actually, we wanted
to talk to you first.

If either of you had a bad reaction

to the chiles rellenos last night,

I have a form for you to fill out.

No. It's not that.

Um, look, we know that you're worried

about raising this baby alone,

and you know that
we've been looking to adopt.

So what would you think about

maybe all of us doing this together?

What do you mean?

We'd adopt your baby,
and we'd all raise it.

I mean, the baby would live with us,

but you'd be over all the time,

and we'd pay all the expenses.

Wow.

I did not see this coming.

We know you have to work,

and I work out of the house,

so I could be with the baby all day,

and Bridget has great benefits.

Post office.

This is a lot.

Just need some time to think.

I'll be right back with your food.

We didn't order.

Just eat whatever she brings you.

We're trying to get a baby.

Good morning, Dad.

Is it?

That would indicate that I've slept.

I've been up all night,
like many accomplished men,

knocking cats off
my chicken coop with a broom.

I can't believe
we built a coop for chickens.

I mean, I could never even
get a tree house.

You broke your wrist
walking across a room.

We weren't gonna put you in a tree.

Cornflakes has an STD!

No, honey, the vet said she has PTSD.

According to the vet,

Cornflakes was traumatized
by the cat att*ck.

We can expect loss of appetite,
irritability,

possibly night terrors.

Okay, Mark.

Take Cornflakes out to the coop.

Well, actually,
until Cornflakes stabilizes,

she needs to live in the house,

and she also has a tranquilizer

she needs to take every four hours.

The doctor recommends that
we take turns holding her

until she falls asleep.

The chicken is not
living in the house with us.

I never thought I'd have to say that.

Come on, guys.

Let's put Cornflakes back in the coop.

This is insane!

My back is k*lling me
because I've been up all night

dealing with kamikaze cats

hurling themselves at a chicken coop

in my backyard!

Next time you have a harebrained idea,

do it at your house.

Big man, king of England,

too good to have a chicken
living in his house.

Well, la-di-da!

Did you finish laying out
those ads for the next issue?

Just about.

I'm just looking for
another way to make some money.

I'm getting real tired
of this one customer

at the casino harassing me.

What, is he touching you?

Oh, no.

I mean, not yet, anyway.

I'll tell you what,
if he does... come here.

Let me show you a move that'll
really cr*pple the guy.

[Chuckles]

Put your hand on my shoulder.

- Okay.
- All right, like that.

And you're gonna put your hand
on top of his hand,

thumb on his knuckles, right?

You know, I think I got a better way.

Better way is good, yeah.

[Clears throat] All right.

Look, with guys,

it's all about intimidation, right?

You just got to have that
crazy look in your eyes

that says, "I won't stop
until you're dead,

and then I'll k*ll your ghost!"

Now, show me your look.

It's not just eyes. This is...

primal animal stuff, you know?

- You just gotta make 'em feel threatened!
- Holy crap!

- That was terrifying.
- Hey, thank you.

Okay, now you go.

Okay. Um...

Raah!

It's... It's a good start.

It's not frightening,

but, um... odd,

and, uh, unsettling. [Chuckles]

Let's finish this later.
We need to get back to work.

- [Roars]
- Whoa. Hey.

[Laughing] Hey!

Better! Yes!

Now it's jarring and off-putting.

Damn straight it is.

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

[Lock disengages]

Becky, it's late. You okay?

I've just been walking around
the last two hours,

and I think I've made a decision.

I want to do that thing

where I raise the baby with you guys.

Really?

[Chuckling] Oh, my God.

Maria!

Come down here!

We're getting a baby!

MARIA: What?!

Hold on.

We're getting Becky's baby.

[Squeals]

[Chuckles] She's happy.

Do you want to come in and celebrate?

I think I got some sparkling cider.

Nah, I should get going.

We can talk later.

It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah, it is. Thank you so much.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[Light switch clicks]

♪♪

[Christmas music plays on TV]

[Door closes]

- Darlene!
- [Gasps] What?!

Oh, God.

What are you doing here?
What time is it?

It's : in the morning.

I just did something,

and I need to talk to you about it.

- Can it wait?
- It could.

But I just agreed to give my baby

to a lesbian couple from the restaurant.

Well, now you've got me hooked. Go on.

You remember Bridget and Maria
from high school?

Yeah.

They offered me this arrangement

where they said we could
all raise the baby together,

but they would actually adopt it.

Becky, why would you do that?

Why wouldn't you come to me first?

Because I'm freaked out.

I think that I'm gonna suck as a mom.

And I was talking to Andrea,

and she has all the help in the world,

and she's falling apart.

But you're not Andrea.

Before the baby,
she had a pretty good life.

You don't have that problem.

You've already fallen apart.

You don't get it.

Well, look.

Becky, I know
you're worried about money,

but m-maybe we'll just figure out a way

to get you some assistance.

It's not just about that.

Then what is it about?

Ever since I've been pregnant,

I can't stop thinking
about having a drink.

[Voice breaking] I'm a drunk, Darlene.

And...

I don't want to
screw up some kid's life.

I-I'm sorry. This is a lot to take in.

Um...

I think I need some coffee.

I was in the middle of a crazy dream.

Everybody in the family was happy,

and Dad had the head of a chicken.

Okay, I don't think I understand.

I mean, I know you're struggling,

but you're stronger
than you think you are.

I mean, you stopped drinking on a dime

when you found out you were pregnant.

Yesterday, I almost drank
a candy-cane margarita.

God, you must be an alcoholic.

Who else would drink that?

See? That's what I mean.

How could I be a good mother?

I don't want my kid taken away

and turned over to family services.

Okay, I don't think that's gonna happen.

I believe you're gonna stay sober.

But, I mean, I don't want
to be stupid about this.

I know there are some people who can't.

So, if you're one of those people,

then I'll have to step in
and take care of your baby

until you get your act together.

What if I can't get my act together?

Then we sell it.

I mean...

Emilio's a good-looking guy.
You're pretty cute.

I think we can get top dollar.

I can't do this.

You already have too much on your plate.

Well, then we'll get
the whole family to help out.

Becky, we're not gonna let

your baby fall through the cracks.

Oh, my God, what if I start doing cr*ck?

Okay, you're just panicking.

You can do this.

- [Sighs]
- You would not have come over here

if you thought
you were doing the right thing.

[Sighs]

Okay.

[Inhales sharply]

I'm gonna tell them I changed my mind.

I'm gonna keep the baby.

I don't think I've ever
felt this close to you.

Thank you for not being

a judgmental little troll for once.

♪♪

What are you gonna do with the chickens?

I'm taking Cornflakes home.

The other three are going to
a chicken rescue.

There's a chicken rescue?

Not just chickens.

Parrots, got a couple of hawks.

I heard they had one of
the "Harry Potter" owls, so...

[Clears throat]
I'm figuring it's a good place.

The chickens could stay.

I just didn't want Cornflakes
in the house.

Why don't you say
what you really mean, Dan?

You just don't want me in the house.

Where are you getting that from?

Let's finally get this out.

The only reason you ever
put up with me coming over

is because my sister wanted me here.

And?

You're so thick-headed.

Why do you think the chickens are here?

I have no damn idea.

Oh, so you want me to say it, don't you?

Okay! I thought if there was
a chicken coop here,

you'd need somebody to help you with it.

That would give me an excuse
to come over every day.

So, you thought if you forced me

to become a chicken farmer,

- I'd want you here more?
- Yeah.

Wasn't a perfect plan.

Listen, Jackie, when Roseanne was alive,

you'd come over,
and I'd give you a hard time.

Now, that worked for years.

I see no reason to change it now.

So, then, why doesn't anybody
ever call me

and invite me over?!

You don't need to be invited
because you're always here!

And why would you need an invite?

You're family.

So...

you want me here,

and if I didn't come over,
you'd miss me?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

There we go... the reluctant compliment.

Dan... our little game continues!

Come here!

[Both laugh]

Are you still gonna
take Cornflakes home?

Oh, yeah, just for a week.

Mom says she's deathly afraid of birds.

We're gonna find out if that's true,

aren't we, Cornflakes?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Eh, no reason.

Maybe gamble.

Thought maybe I'd go find that guy

who's been bothering you and say hey.

Punch him till he's unconscious.

Wait.

So, as my boss,

you just decided to
come down here and protect me?

There's no other feelings
motivating this?

What other feelings could I have

that would motivate this?

I don't know. You tell me.

No, you tell me.

Some people might say

it feels like a boyfriend move?

No!

What? No.

[Chuckles] What?!

[Laughs] No.
That wouldn't be appropriate.

And I think that
you questioning my intentions

is kind of a girlfriend move.

What? No.

What?! No.

[Both chuckle]

Hey.

Thanks for not saying anything
about the outfit.

What outfit?

Here you go. [Sighs]

Tell you what.

Sit on my lap for good luck,

and I'll split my winnings with you.

You know what? I have a better idea.

What the hell?

You know I'm gonna get you fired.

Oh, I'm gonna quit before you do.

I win again!

I just threw a drink
in the creep's face,

and I'm quitting.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And you know what gave me
the courage to do it?

The fact that you're giving me
a raise and medical.

And it's so great

because I didn't think
I could stay sober

after the baby was born,

which is why I agreed to your offer.

But my family really stepped up.

I mean, my sister Darlene...
you know her from school...

she was just so supportive and amazing,

and now I'm feeling so good

because I feel like I can
finally be a responsible mom!

We're very happy for you.

I'm going on break,

so Stephanie is going to
take over my section.

Don't forget to tip!