03x05 - Friends in High Places and Horse Surgery

[bunniefuu]

‐Hey.
‐Mm.

You know what would be fun?

There's only three things
I find fun anymore.

I'm already watching TV,
so that leaves beer and sex.

Since we just got up,

I'm assuming you're
talking about beer.

And what the hell,
I'll have one!

Actually, I was gonna suggest
a drive in the country.

But I'm liking the sound
of a morning buzz.

We were meant to be.

Well, just so you know,
this is the last bag

of chicken feed we'll be
getting from Dr. Neville.

I think I finally scared him off

by telling him all of
my life's horror stories.

All your stories?

Yes, Dan.
I told him everything.

From Bev telling me
when I was four

that she didn't like hugging me
because I had sharp bones.

I made it very clear that I'm
a damaged, self‐loathing mess

and he should run for his life.

And suddenly, there was
a horse with a liver tumor,

and he ran out.

After we finish
folding this load,

I'm taking the baby for a walk.

There you go.

Another reminder that you can
have babies and I can't.

Walking the baby,
bathing the baby,
feeding the baby.

If you don't do those things,

they come
and take the baby away.

Then at least I wouldn't
have to hear about the baby.

Hey, it's not my fault.

It's a burden being so fertile.

You're lucky it's
all dust bunnies and
cobwebs down there.

Meanwhile, I'm flowin'
like the mighty Mississipp'.

Hey, I‐I'm sorry, Mom.

I know how much you were looking
forward to having a baby.

But don't worry. You're old.
Your pain will be over soon.

Well, that would be great,

but if not,
I expect you to have kids.

I will. I promise.

The love that
you withheld from me,

I'll seek from strange men and
have lots of bastard children.

You think that doesn't make me
feel better, but it does.

After the magazine failed,
I thought that having a baby

was gonna be, like,
my new sense of purpose.

And then I failed at that.

Now I'm just kinda lost.

You're not lost.
You're free!

You're free to try
something different.

Harris is basically an adult,

and Mark is smarter than you
and doesn't need you.

He's not that much smarter.

If you were smarter than him,

you would know how much smarter
he is than you.

Look, maybe I have more time,

but I don't even know
what I would do.

I mean, what do I need?
Well, I do need more money.

What do you think
they pay supervisors?

They drive cars that are
painted all one color,

so... more than us.

Well, I am way overqualified
for what I'm doing now.

And if I got to boss you around
and make your life miserable,

that's like a benefits package.

The only problem is I have to
suck up to management

in order to get into it.

I mean, I can barely
talk to those people,

let alone kiss their ass.

Talking to somebody from
management isn't hard.

Here, watch this.
I'll be you.

Hi, I'm Darlene.

Oh! You're that weird,
little troll

that walks around
acting all superior.

Yes, but it's just
a defense mechanism

because I'm not as pretty
and smart as my sister.

Hi, I'm Becky!

I would have gotten here
earlier, but I was busy avoiding

the sad reality that
I'm an average‐looking blonde

who drank away my future!
Oops!

God, Mom, way to take a fun game
and make it mean.

That's what I do.

I'm a k*ller of joy.

There ‐‐ it's fun again.

There's Robin,
the angel of death.

I love when management
shows up in the break room...

like they're one of us.

Did I tell you she wrote me up?

I was ten minutes late.

Beverly Rose was crying because
we couldn't find her binky.

That's terrible.
You don't deserve that.

Or maybe you do.

We haven't been working
together that long.

She has no idea how hard I work.

Oh, crap!
We should have been back

on the line five minutes ago.

Darlene!
You're five minutes early!

Who's watching our station?
I'll go!

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Mind if I join you?

Uh, sure, but you'll get

the stink of management
all over you,

and your fellow coworkers
are gonna shun you.

If I knew that was all it took
to get some peace and quiet

from those people, I would've
sat with you a long time ago.

Robin Shetsky,
Managing Supervisor.

I know.

Uh, Darlene Conner,
faceless drone.

Ah.
You're Darlene Conner.

Uh‐oh.

No, no. It's good.

The big bosses have noticed you.

I took a look at your file.

Apparently you're smart,
diligent,

other employees
already hate you.

You've got real
management potential.

Wow.
Management potential.

That was the furthest thing
from my mind

when I decided to come over here
and kiss your ass.

No, really, this is great,

'cause now I don't have to ask
to see pictures of your kids

and tell you they're adorable.

I don't have kids,

but my husband and I do
have a French Bulldoodle.

Oh, congratulations.

You finally found
a Poodle combination

that doesn't really work.

Look, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I truly believe that I have
the brains to be in management.

I just need someone
to mentor me.

I've done that.

Usually to college kids,
but I could do someone old.

Great.

So, uh, when can we find
some time to talk?

I've been really careful
with COVID,

so you could come to my place
and you could meet my family.

You'll see why
I'm willing to spend

almost all my time at work.

You don't have to sell me.

I've been stuck in my house
for months.

One more game of Clue with
my husband, and it's gonna be

me in the bathroom
with the candlestick.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

there's been a recent
sales spike in m*rder games.

Grandpa, can I get your help
with a homework assignment?

Fifty years of drinkin'
says probably not,

but let's give it a whirl!

I'm doing this project
on the American Revolution...

Mm‐hmm.
and I'm supposed
to find out

where our family was
during the w*r.

Well, it just so happens
my great‐grandfather told me

we had ancestors that fought
in the Revolutionary w*r.

Whoa! That's so cool!
Mm‐hmm.

We're related
to revolutionaries!

Well, kinda.

They were an Irish regiment

sent over to wipe out
the revolutionaries.

They were called
"The Freedom K*llers."

Just tell them

they were in the
Revolutionary w*r, Mark.

Don't tell them who they k*lled.

Aunt Jackie, what about
your side of the family?

Uh, well, I don't know
about the American Revolution,

but I believe Grandma Bev was
part of the Spanish Inquisition.

You know the iron maiden?

A t*rture device in
the shape of a woman
filled with spikes?

It's based on her.

Hey, everybody.
Hi!
Hey, Neville.

Hey. Is Jackie around?

You know I'm here.
My car's out front.

I knew I should have
covered it in branches.

What do you want, Neville?

Somebody dropped this bad boy
off at my office because

they couldn't
care for him anymore,

and I thought of you guys.

Ah, sorry.
We're full up.

Wait a minute!

Here's a cozy, little space

with its own little light
and central heating.

Can we keep it, please? Why do
you want to eat all our pets?

Fine.

Here you go.

I also brought something
for you, Jackie.

Okay. Why?

Well, I thought about that story
you told me over coffee,

where Bev took away
your stuffed giraffe,

and I wanted you to know
that I really listened.

I knew this would be
emotional for you,

but if it helps heal
a traumatic experience,

then I feel like I've done
the right thing.

No, you haven't!
This is a terrible gift!

My mother didn't just
take away my giraffe.

She gave it to my dog, Lucky,

who had one of those carts
instead of rear legs.

And he ran up a hill with it.

But when he got tired,
he started rolling back down.

And he went under a trash truck,

but then he got hit by a bus!

Which is why he had the cart
in the first place!

Why don't you get it?!
I told you I was broken!

I didn't ask for you to fix me!

For the last time,
leave me alone!

Well, apparently,
the wound is still fresh.

Mom just pulled up
with her boss.

Oh. Throw that
in the microwave.

I don't know why she's trying
to get a promotion

by feeding her boss fish sticks.

I mean, it doesn't even say
what kind of fish it is.

It just says
"seafood fragments."

It's like an accident
they just put in a box.

Hey, Dad, Harris.
This is Robin.

She's the first boss
I've brought home

that I'm not sleeping with, so
please be on your best behavior.

I can't fix this later.

Don't worry, honey.

I'll keep my scratchin' hand
on top of the table.

I brought red.
I hope that's okay.

Oh, well, we're having fish

that could very well
have beef in it,

so red might be fine.

Darlene...

what is Robin doing here?

Uh, I invited her.
She's mentoring me.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

I didn't know that.

I thought, at forty‐five,
your sister had her own place.

I did!

And if I save enough from
working at "Smellman" ‐‐

yep, that's what we call it ‐‐
I will again.

I'm confused.
What's going on here?

Looks like a fight to me, honey.

I told you management
was riding my ass.

Why did you bring her here?

I didn't know it was Robin.
Well, now you know.

Listen, I don't want to create
a problem. I can leave.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're my guest, alright?

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that you guys had a beef,

but I think if you just
get to know each other,

then maybe you'll find
some common ground.

I doubt it, but I'll sit down.

I'm willing.

Huh. I mediated
the crap out of that.

Management potential.

Who are you?

Uh, hi.
I'm Robin.

I'm Darlene's friend.

No, really, who are you?

That's Mark, my adopted son.

It didn't work out.
He's going back in the morning.

You know, Robin,
now that you're here,

I should let you know
that I'm gonna be

a little bit late
for work tomorrow.

Um, my baby has her
one‐year check‐up.

Becky!
No problem.

See that?
No problem.

Just don't be too late.

I don't want to have to
write you up a third time.

Third?
I only have one.

Huh. Sometimes my phone
doesn't send things.

Oh, there it is in the outbox.

I wouldn't bother.
That sounds like spam.

You wrote me up

for video‐chatting
with my baby too much?

It's only a few minutes here
and there because I miss my kid.

Well, I get a live stream
of my French Bulldoodle

from doggy daycare, Becky.

You don't see me constantly
checking in on her.

Because it's a dog.

Well.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not value one life
over another.

All God's creatures,
blah, blah, blah.

Why don't we talk about this
tomorrow at work?

Fine.
Thank you.

And it wasn't just
"here or there."

It was 45 minutes altogether.

These fish sticks are delicious.

Okay.

I am not sitting here

and getting sniped at
in my own kitchen.

I'm going to eat
down in the basement

with my daughter,

who I'm going to spend time with

so she doesn't forget about me
when I don't contact her

for nine hours during the day.

Well, if you want her
to remember you,

maybe you shouldn't keep
your baby in the basement.

FYI, we live in the basement.

And we have a bathroom
down there now.

Don't say anything at work.

I don't want anyone
hitting me up for money.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Shouldn't you be at supper?

Yeah.

I just, uh, wanted to come by
and check up on you.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I didn't really want
to be around anybody.

And sorry about your brother.

Not sorry enough.

Okay. Well...

thanks for stopping by.

Not going yet.

I wanted to tell you
a little bit

about the guy
you screamed at today.

You see, Neville was a sweet,
sensitive, puny, little kid

with spindly legs.

The doctor told him he would
never walk without crutches.

But he was determined
to be on the track team.

And you ‐‐ And you know what?

He never gave up,
and he made it.

Save it, sister.
I know the ending.

He became a track star.

No.

Have you ever seen a track meet?

You need regular legs.

The coaches would turn off
the lights and go home

before he finished a race.

The point is, he is never
gonna give up pursuing you.

Well, duh. I've been
telling him to go away

ever since I met him.

I ‐‐ Why do you
keep harassing me?

Because I‐I don't want him
to waste his time

when he could be with someone
who loves him.

So, tell him!
I threw a giraffe at him,

and I think he took it
as flirting.

Look, you just have to lie.
Tell him there's another guy.

Tell him that you're dying or ‐‐
or that you're a lesbian.

That you're a dying lesbian.

Anything to stop him.

Okay, fine.
I'll do it.

I don't know
if it's gonna stop him.

He's like a zombie stalker.

Put a b*llet in his head,
and he's like,

"Let's go get coffee!"

Why am I supposed to help you?

You made a huge scene last night
and totally embarrassed me.

And what's with bragging
about your basement bathroom?

That was just weird.

It wasn't just my fault.

Robin's got it out for me.
She likes you.

Just get her to take one of
the write‐ups off my record.

I can't afford to lose a shift.

Becky, I've only known
this woman for a day.

I can't start telling her
how to do her job.

Here she is.

Come on.

I need to be able to see
Beverly Rose during the day.

Do this for me
and do it for Beverly Rose.

I love you, Darlene.

Okay, alright, fine.

I'll talk to Robin, but, God,
what is wrong with you?

How can you say "I love you"
to your sister?

Who does that?

Hey, it was great having you
over for dinner.

Sorry about the food.

Sorry about the conversation.
Sorry about the family.

You have nothing
to be sorry about.

I had a very nice time,
and the food was just fine.

Where'd you hit on the way home?

I had a hot dog from the grill
at the gas station.

Yeah, we all did that
after Thanksgiving last year.

So, look, um, I really
don't want to overstep,

but Becky is kinda
having a tough time

adjusting to not seeing
her kid all day.

Could you consider cutting her
a little slack right now?

I could do that.

Or, as your mentor, I could
give you your first test.

I'm gonna let you make the call
on your sister.

Now, you know how her screen
time affects her productivity.

What would you do?

Huh.

Is putting off the decision

until you offer me
an actual promotion

a viable answer?

Look, if you're
gonna be in management,

you can't show favor.

Everybody gets treated the same.

Unless your name is Wellman.

Then you get to get coked
out of your mind and have

the conveyor belt take you
all over the building naked.

They do that?

I signed a document
that says they don't.

Doctor, there's someone here
to see you. It's Jackie Harris.

Oh, really?
Send her in.

Oh, good Lord!

You could have said, "I'm up
to my elbows in horse."

No, it's a minor operation.

I'm taking a fatty mass
off this gal's liver.

Too many hamburgers and beer.

You never really think
about that

when you see a horse
sitting in an Applebee's.

Hey, I'm really glad
you're here.

Yeah, that's what I, uh,
wanted to talk to you about.

Uh, here's the thing.

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

An old boyfriend
has come back into my life,

and, uh...

I'm dying, and, um...

it's all complicated by the fact
that I'm a lesbian.

Good for you.

My assistant is at
her son's piano recital.

Could you please hold
the rib spreader?

If you hear cracking,
you're spreading them too far.

Well, shouldn't I have
some sort of license for that,

or training?

Yeah, you'd think.

Hey, could you pass me
a roll of gauze?

Uh‐huh. Yeah.

You know, I didn't realize
you were a surgeon.

It's really impressive!

Oh. It is kind of the glamour
end of the business.

Now, take this tumor and
put it in the bucket, will you?

Oh. Wow. Wow!

Ugh. Do they often
need a bucket,

or would you consider this
a big one?

Ohh.

The reason
I said all that B. S.

About the boyfriend
and being a lesbian

is 'cause I was just trying
to take one last sh*t

to stop you from chasing me.

I've told you a hundred times
I'm a disaster.

Why do you still want me?

'Cause you're an amazing person

and you deserve someone
who's crazy about you.

Look, you have to really
listen to me this time.

The last thing I need right now
is a boyfriend.

But I could use a nice friend.

I would be honored
to be your friend.

Good.

Can I agree to be your friend

but secretly adore you
and want more?

Well...

what you do on your own time,
that's your business.

Heh. I am really pissed.

Why?

Not only did Robin not take
the second write‐up off,

she gave me a third one
and they docked my pay.

You never talked to her,
did you?

Look, if you don't want
to keep getting in trouble,

then just call Beverly Rose
on your break or at lunch.

End of problems.

I'll just talk to Robin myself.

Wait.

Robin didn't do this.
I did.

What?

She wanted to see
if I was management material

and if I could make an objective
decision based on the facts.

So you sold me out just to
prove you could be a manager?

No, I didn't sell you out.
Your productivity is down.

You're spending almost
45 minutes a day on your phone

during work time.

And the rest of the time,
I work my ass off!

I can't believe you did this!

Look, they wanted to take away
a whole shift from you.

Because of me,
they only docked your pay.

Only?!
I need that money!

You were depressed you even
had to take that job,

and I got you through it!

No matter how bad it's got,

our family has always
stuck together,

and now you're screwing me over
to get ahead!

Oh, no, don't try to
turn this around, Becky.

I made the right decision,
alright?

You're putting your bad behavior
above me getting a chance

to do something better
for my family.

Bad behavior?
I was being a mom.

You're just jealous
I have a baby I get to see.

Wow.

Screw you.

Screw you!
You screwed me first!

You're not my sister.

That's fine.
I don't need you.

I certainly don't need you.

Well, fall off a cliff and die!

Stand under me!

Whoa. There is a lot
of drama around here.

I think it's you.

Before you got here,
everything was pretty quiet.

And so, after a lot of research,

I actually found
a few of my ancestors

who fought
on the side of liberty...

with mixed results.

There was Angus Conner,
who served honorably

and then was k*lled for cheating
at cards in debtors' prison.

And here's Archibald Conner,

who blew his head off
goofing around with a cannon.

And this is Horatio Conner,
who served on the USS Lexington.

He got drunk on kerosene,
tried to dance with a mop,

got tangled in an anchor rope,

and was dragged
to the bottom of the sea.

I've got more,
but what's the point?