02x14 - Guinea Pigs

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Hey, I got to get going.

He's going to pick me
up in a few minutes.

Oh, gee, you lucky dog.

I wish we had something
to do this weekend.

No plans, huh?

Nope. Not unless
Laverne gets lucky

down in the laundry room.

Listen, I may have
something for you.

What? I got an invitation

to a cocktail party this
Sunday. Cocktail party?

And I'm not going to use it, why
don't you take it? Oh, gee, thanks.

It ought to be a lot of fun.

There are usually a lot of
businessmen at those things.

Businessmen?! Well, well, well.

That's right up my alley.

Gee, thanks, Mrs.
Babish. Well...

Well, I'll see you Monday.

Okay, uh, who are you
going out with anyway?

Oh, Leo Cooper.

You know, that
retired army colonel.

Oh, yes, the man with
the perfect posture.

I hope you have a real hot time.

Yeah, well, with Leo, the
most I hope for is warm.

Bye-bye.

"Cocktails and buffet dinner.

6:30 in the Macamba
Room at the Hotel Pfister."

Just bring it on in.

Now remember, there
are two steps there.

How am I supposed
to remember all of that?

Take something off
the top here, will ya?

Okay.

Oh, this is your place.

Hiya, Shirl.

Hi. Good-bye-ya, Shirl.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot, Len.

Sure. Just don't tell
anybody I do domestic, okay?

Just don't tell anybody

that we don't got
dates for this weekend.

Where'd you find him?

Down in the laundry room.

He was watching
the underwear spin.

Well...

can't say we don't got
nothing to do this weekend.

We get to sort socks.

Well, just don't
sit there, come on.

This is yours, mine...

Boy, do I have a
surprise for you, Laverne.

We are invited to a
cocktail party Sund...

My sweater!

What have you done
to my good... sweater?!

Give me that. Don't worry,
don't worry, we'll unbunch it.

Come on, a party, a party?

Give me it.

Oh. At the Hotel Pfister. Yes.

Boy, have we had
good times there, huh?

Yeah. Who's throwing it?

Businessmen.

Men in suits and
expensive shoes.

Hold it, hold it,
what's this down here?

"RSVP." That's French for
"Respond So Very Promptly."

Down in this other corner.

"Admission: $20 per person."

Gee, I didn't... That's
English for "We ain't going."

Gee, I didn't see that.

That's because you
never read the little writing

down at the bottom.

I don't care.

I am not going to stay
home and sort socks

if I can go to a cocktail party.

What is the point
of throwing away

$20 apiece on cocktails, huh?

The point of throwing
away $20 apiece on cocktails

is that we will be
surrounded by others

who are throwing away
$20 apiece on cocktails.

Okay, so, say we go.

Where are we going to
get the 40 bucks from, huh?

Well... Yeah?

We'll borrow it. Oh, sure.

We'll just round
40 of our friends up

and beg them each for a buck.

Well... Well, no one
we know has $40.

Well, then, we'll just
have to earn it, won't we?

By Sunday?

I don't care, Laverne.

I want to go to
this cocktail party.

Well... I've got it.

What? I know what to do.

Lenny, Squiggy...

come down here please right now.

LENNY & SQUIGGY Coming.

What are you calling them for?

You know that secret place

that they go to some
weekends to earn money?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Uh-uh, no...

Do you want to go to this party

or do you want to stay
home and hear me holler

about my sweater, hmm?

There'll be men there.

I knew you girls would
wind up calling on us.

Yeah, I knew it, too.

As soon as Lenny told
me you were hard up

for dates this weekend.

Oh, thanks a lot, big mouth.

Look, I thought
maybe we'd go out,

drive around a little
in the truck, you know,

drink a little
beer, maybe let us

get a little something off you.

Out!

I'm kidding. I'm
joking. Out! Out!

Wait a minute. Whoo-hoo!

Wait, hold on, hold on.
They're reconsidering.

Look, Laverne, do you want
to go to this party? Yeah.

Well, sometimes big answers
come in small, tiny brains.

Oh, boys,

you know that
secret place you go to

to earn money sometimes?

Yeah...? Yeah...?

Could you take us there?

No! No!

This is our own
private little gold mine.

Did you hear that?
Gold, gold, gold, gold.

I heard it, I
heard it, I heard it.

Oh, Lenny, Squiggy...
Hey, come on, huh?

What? Come on...

take us to that place. No, no.

We can't take
you, we really can't.

We really can't take you.

Lenny, come on,
Lenny. Oh, no, oh, no.

Oh, no, come on. No.

I know we are
here for the money,

I just don't like the idea

of being human
guinea pigs, okay?

Will you quit using
that term, "guinea pigs"?

We're not guinea pigs,

we're "volunteer subjects

for scientific experiments".

We'll be right with you.

I don't know,

something about this
place gives me the creeps.

Hello, girls.

Hiya Sam, how's the rash?

Did you park the truck already?

Hey, we got our
own parking space.

Got our name on
it and everything.

Sure. Oh, Mr. Squiggman.

Patty! Is that you,
Patty? Mr. Kosnowski.

Patty, Patty, Patty,
Patty. Welcome.

How're you doing,
Patty? Welcome.

How ya doing, Patty?

Oh, say, uh, have
you met our friends?

Introduce yourself,
girls. Oh, hello.

I'm Shirley Feeney and this is

Laverne DeFazio,
we called earlier.

Yeah, we're the paid subjects

for the scientific experiments.

Oh, yes.

The guinea pigs.

These boys are the best
humans we've ever had.

Oh, well, I'll tell
you something,

these girls make even
better humans than us.

Uh-huh. Ho-ho-ho.

Go on with you, Andrew.

Well, I'm sure if
you're friends of theirs,

I'm sure we can
find you something.

Oh, what have you got there?

Let's see, suspended animation.

Boring.

Underwater endurance.

I can hold my breath. No, I
don't want to get my hair wet.

Oh, here are two you might like,

nutrition and sleep.

Oh, yeah, those are a
snap. But I'm afraid there's...

That's good, nutrition
and sleep. But I'm afraid

there's only one
place open in each.

Oh, you mean, uh, we
both can't be together?

Well, they might have two

in electrical shock.

I'll take nutrition.
I'll be sleep.

Fine. Just sign these contracts.

The doctors will
see you in a minute.

Just sit over there.

See here? $25 bucks.

Right there.

Hey, you know, it's too bad
we can't stick around, Patty.

Yeah, that electrical
shock sounds mighty good.

My boys!

Hello. Hello.

I'm Shirley Feeney.

I'm one of the paid volunteers

for the scientific experiments.

Oh, how do you do?
I'm Dr. Futoran. Hello.

You're a little early, have
a seat. Oh, thank you.

I see that you've got
the pamphlet. Mm-hmm.

How did you enjoy it?
Oh, well, I didn't finish it

quite yet, but I'm
getting towards...

It's completely edible.

Try it.

Edible?

Well, maybe later.

You're very lucky to be

a part of this experiment. Oh.

What we're learning
here will help us

to extend our lives and
vitality for a long time.

How old do you think that I am?

Oh, well, I'm really not
very good at... Go on, guess.

I'm not good at guess...
Oh, go on, guess.

Well, 68, I don't know.

Who told you?

That cheap receptionist?

She's 52... It was just a guess

right off the top of my
head, honestly, doctor.

My, my goodness,

you do look fine for
a man of your years.

How do you do it?

Oh, good eating.

The best things have
always been with us.

We've just neglected
them, that's all.

I see.

Is, uh...

that one of the things
we should be eating?

Oh, not really, but
like everybody else,

I spoil myself with
the goodies. Bite?

Oh, no, thank you, maybe later

with my pamphlet.

You probably don't
know this, Miss Feeney,

but the best
nourishment in the world

is right under our feet.

We'll be eating
what I like to call

"nature's final food."

What's that? Dirt.

Now remember,

we'll be watching
every one of your moves

from our observation
booth up there,

and if we see anyone
nodding off to sleep,

we press the little old button.

Ow!

Oh.

You mean we can't
even cheat through this?

Oh, you won't have to cheat.

You're going to
get plenty of sleep

in the next two days.

A full 80 minutes.

80 minutes? Look, doc, see,

I gotta go to a party
when this is over with,

and I need a little
more sleep than that.

Oh, no, you don't.

You see, that's what the
experiment is all about.

Look, take me for example.

Now, I'm a healthy human. Yeah.

I spend only 40
minutes a day in bed.

No. My wife only 35.

What about your children?

We don't have any.

What are you talking about?

Do you know what that
sleep experiment is?

What? No sleep.

No sleep. So?

You've stayed up 24
hours before, it's easy.

Shirl, you never read
the little writing on things.

We don't get out of
here Saturday night,

we get out of here Sunday night.

Oh, dear, "Release
time Sunday 6:00 p.m."

Uh-huh. That only gives us

30 minutes to get
ready for the party.

Shirl, when am I going to sleep?

I can't go to that party

looking like a
zombie, my rings are

going to be down to here.
Oh, pshaw, bite your lip.

You put on some pancake
makeup, you'll look great.

Shirl, how are we
going to get ready

for the party in a half an hour?

Well, it's easy, we'll get Lenny

and Squiggy to bring
our dresses here,

and we'll get dressed
on the way there.

Oh, come on, it'll be worth it.

Think of the men
that will be there.

Men. Right?

Oh, I don't know.
48 hours, I can't.

You can. You can.
Good looking guys,

good looking men. Guys, men.

Men. Men.

Men. Men. Men. Men.

Men, men, men, men.
Men, men, men, men.

48 hours with no sleep.

She'll look like a dog.

♪ 6,382 bottles of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ 6,382 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ 6,382 bottles of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ 6,382 bottles of
beer on the wall... ♪

Hey, I've had enough of this.

How would you like to make out?

How'd you like a
dart up your nose?

Doesn't that tickle you?

Not anymore.

All right, eat.

Yumm-o.

What was that all
about? The frisking?

Yes. Well, some
people have been trying

to sneak their own food in.

A guy came in last
week with a pimento loaf

taped under his arm.

Oh. You've been
here before, huh?

Oh, yeah. You might
call me a regular. I see.

Well, every man to himself, huh?

Wait, wait.

Haven't we all
forgotten something?

God is great.

God is good.

Thank you, God, for this fud.

Amen.

Food.

I like it to rhyme.

Well, the time has come.

For your first little
packet of sleep!

Oh, oh, finally! Out of
my way, out of my way!

Wait, wait, wait.

Not until I give the signal.

Okay... sleep!

Okay, let's check those pulses.

Is it morning?

I didn't even have
time to dream.

I did.

Must you chew
each bite 32 times?

You know something, you'd
be in a much better mood

if you'd just get
yourself a decent diet.

Now, those dumplings
are delicious.

They're mud, you idiot!

My, aren't we the picky eater?

Save me one of
those crocus pollens.

Okay, here you go.

Could I borrow your napkin?

I ate it.

You want to make out now?

I can't even pucker.

Congratulations!

The experiment's over.

Don't you feel great?

Oh, yeah.

You go find Laverne! Sure.

Come on, Laverne. Oh!

Oh, my God, she
flunked the hormone test!

Laverne's right
over here in a lump.

Come on.

Sorry, miss.

Come on, Laverne, party time.

Hey, you look great. Come on.

We brought your
dress and everything.

Oh, oh, you can borrow them.

Have a great time. No,
no, we're not going no place.

I just want to lie down.

Let's go. We'll get
dressed in the truck.

Ung...!

Hurry it up,
Laverne, I'm starving.

Get out of here!

Scramola! Both of you!

Just drive the truck.
Just drive the truck.

Uh, just a minute ladies.
That'll be $20 apiece.

I almost died for that.

Oh, it's beautiful,
it's beautiful.

They've got an
orchestra and everything.

Oh, are there horns?

I can't see that far.

Oh.

Meatballs! Meatballs!

I've got to go get
something to eat, okay?

Okay. Okay?

You've got to stand
up, Laverne, all right?

I got it. You got it.

All right.

Uh... uh.

Oh...

Oh!

Uh, miss? Yes?

Hotel security.

Uh, what's the matter
with your friend?

Nothing. Nothing at
all. She's perfectly fine.

Mm-hmm. Well, she'd better be

because we don't
allow drunks in here.

Laverne? Huh?

Wake up, or they're going
to throw us out of here.

There's a wall right here.

Oh, I love this wall.

Oh... Okay, just stay there.

Here, pose yourself.
There, honey.

Excuse me. I beg your pardon.

Up, up, up, awake, peppy, peppy!

Laverne... Hmm?

Wake up. There are a couple
of cute guys staring at us.

Okay.

Are they done looking?

Good evening, ladies.

I'm Charles Warner.

Hello. I'm Shirley Feeney,

and this is Laverne DeFazio.

Ahhh!

Hello. Ahh!

Oh... Is there a place
we could lie down?

Well, well, well, you know
the old saying, Charles,

"Two's company."

Excuse me.

Do you come here often?

I don't know.

Would you like a shrimp?

As long as he's single.

Oh.

Excuse me.

If I could just get my
hand in here for a minute.

I'm very...

Oh!

Uh, did somebody lose a wallet?

I seem to have
come across some...

Oh, here.

They've got this liver
swan over there...

Give me that shrimp!
Give me that shrimp!

Laverne, Laverne, you
have got to wake up,

or we're going to get thrown
out of here, don't you understand?

I don't care.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Did you hear they're
showing dirty pictures

in the other room?

Yes.

There's a chair here, sweetie.

Oh, good. Sit on the chair.

Shirl, I'm sorry I can't...

If I could just get
something to eat.

Well, you just go ahead.

Honey, you've got
to cross your legs.

You've got to sit like a lady.

I feel worlds better.

Ta-dah!

Oh, yes, without a net.

She performs like that.

Let's give her a hand, shall we?

What are they clapping for?

Listen. Huh?

You're coming with me
to the buffet table, okay?

Come on, come on.

Shirl, I think my legs died.

Oh, Laverne, here we go.

Just pose yourself right here.

There's some cute guys
looking at you over there.

Come on, ladies,
time to lock up.

Oh, we'll be right out, Myron.

Party's over, Shirley.

You've been a
sweetheart. Thank you.

See you later.

Wake up, Laverne.

Party's over?

Yeah.

Aw, you got chicken liver
all over your little face.

I almost got it off.

You feeling okay?

Yeah.

Shirl?

Hmm?

I don't want to be no
more guinea pigs, okay?

Okay. I'm sorry for
dragging you through all this.

I just thought that we might
meet a couple of rich guys.

Well, we gave it a
try, didn't we, huh?

Yeah.

We got enough snacks for a week.

Well, let's go.

Okay.

Oh, wait, I forgot something.

Good-bye, Charles.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪