09x19 - The Return of Archie's Brother

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

What? No, no.

Hey, I think it's a great idea.

Yes, yeah, I think we
oughta talk about that.

Well, there's no sense
in coming over here

'cause I gotta leave the
house right away, see?

I gotta get down to work there.

[HUMS "MOON RIVER"]

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Yeah, I gotta get down to work.

I gotta open the saloon at : .

So why don't you
meet me down there

at : , see?

- [EDITH HUMMING]
- Yeah.

No, that's from outside the
house, some kind of vehicle.

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

All right, meet you then.

Hey, listen, kiddo, it's
great to hear your voice.

Yeah. Bye.

Listen, Edith.

I just got a very interesting
proposition over here, see?

How come all your socks
have holes in 'em in the back?

I don't know, maybe
I got sharp heels.

Now, listen.

Maybe you got short shoes.

Maybe you're a dingbat, Edith.

Now, listen...

Maybe you got long feet.

Maybe you want to
stifle yourself, huh?

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Listen to me!

We're lucky enough to
be in on the ground floor

of the precipice of
a great opportunity.

This is a thing that
could make us so rich

that I might only have to
wear a pair of socks once, huh?

Or maybe no socks at all.

You wouldn't
want to be that rich.

Why the hell wouldn't I?

You might catch a cold.

Edith, listen.

- Right in the eye!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Right in the eye!

- You're always
doing that!
- Oh, Archie.

You nearly put the
eye out of my head.

No, no, no, don't
go nowheres near it.

Wait a minute, sit down.

Sit down.

Listen.

I just got a proposition
from my brother here, see.

Your brother Fred?

No, my brother Isabel.

Certainly Fred!

Who is Isabel?

Edith, there ain't no Isabel.

Now, would you listen to me?

For $ , ,

Fred can put us into
this here syndicate, see,

that's gonna invest in an
nationwide chain of cafeterias.

It's gonna flood the
country with Chinese food.

They're gonna be called
The Foo Yu China-terias.

How does that grab ya, huh?

Nothing but chink food there.

Now, I think we oughta
take $ , worth of that.

Oh, Archie, you and me couldn't
eat that much Chinese food.

Hold it, hold!

I ain't talking about
you and me eating,

I'm talking about investing
in a nationwide chain

of all American
"chink-a-terias."

Why would you want to do that?

Don't you know nothin'?
Don't you read the papers?

Don't you know that the
Democrats just recognized China?

Yeah.

Well, the results of that is

there's gonna be a hell
of a run in this country

on chow mein and
moo goo gai pan.

But $ , .

Oh, that's a lot of money.

What do you got against Fred?

Your brother Fred?

No, my sister Isabel.

You ain't got a sister Isabel.

Aah, Lord!

Oh, I ain't got nothing
against your brother Fred.

I love him and I'd love
your sister Isabel, too,

if you had one.

You know, I thought
about that over the years.

It would be so nice
if you had a sister,

and her name was Isabel.

That's such a nice name.

Are you finished now?

Yeah.

Then do me a favor,
will you, please?

Since you ain't got
no sister-in-law to love,

try loving your
brother-in-law, huh?

Oh, I do.

I ain't the one that knocked
his tooth out at our wedding

and then didn't talk
to him for years.

We all know who's done that.

I don't have to
mention no names.

I just have to look at
the party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

D'you know that is the
stupidest thing I ever heard?

Now, come on, Edith,
I think we oughta get in

on the ground
floor of this thing.

Make this investment,
let our money work for us.

Tsk, well...

B-b-before you knock
the other eye out.

What do you say?

Huh?

Tsk, I don't know.

Swell! That's all I've
been waiting to hear.

But, Archie!

You ain't even following
your own advice.

Advice, what the
hell advice is that?

Never do business
with relatives.

I meant your
relatives, not mine.

Come on, what are
you thinking about?

Are you in this with me or not?

[CHUCKLES] China-terias.

You gotta be nuts.

Go on and laugh, you dope, ya.

Hey, listen.

They laughed at Robert
Fulton, you know?

But if it wasn't for him, New
York wouldn't have a fish market.

Arch!

Hey, Fred, come on in.
Glad to see you there.

You remember my partner,
Harry Snowden, right?

Hey, yeah, you dropped by
here after your heart operation.

- How are you feeling?
- Terrific.

The valve job holding up okay?

Oh, ticking away.

[GROANS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, hey.

Quit kidding around.

Hey, listen, we gotta talk.

Why don't you park your
caucus at that table over there?

Harry, bring something to drink.

Send some glasses and a
bottle, but not from the well,

get the bottle off
the shelf there.

What the hell, go all
the way out, get scotch.

Hey, you shaved
your moustache there.

You know you look
ten years uglier, huh?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you?

- No.
- I didn't mean
to hit you there.

Hey, let me tell you something.

You even look like you've
turned over a new leaf.

I have, I'm a changed
man thanks to my new bride.

Oh, hey, if she could
turn you around,

she must be some
kinda woman there.

- She is, Archie.
- Come on!

Here's to the new
"enterproose," huh?

I'm in, put me down for , .

Thanks.

Hey, Fred,

how'd you get in on
this franchise thing?

Oh, my wife read about it
in the Wall Street Journal.

Great head for business.

[BEEPING]

What the hell is that?

- My watch.
- Oh, a watch.

Gee, I thought you
blew a gasket in there.

It reminds me to call
Katherine. Oh, where's a phone?

- Uh, pay phone's over
there, next to the can.
- It's there...

Is that nice, making him use
the pay phone, my brother?

He ain't my brother.

Hey, Archie, what do you say

we celebrate going
into business together?

We'll all go out
to dinner tonight.

Well, yeah, we can celebrate,

but we don't have
to go out to eat,

we can eat over my
house, I'll call Edith.

No, no, wait, don't
go to any trouble. No.

No, it's no trouble,
it's not a bit of trouble.

You know, Edith does it all.

Hello, sweetheart, darling.

How's my little pussycat?

Get a load of this
over here, huh?

Hey, why don't you
try some of that?

You think I should,
yeah? Well...

[CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Hello, sweetheart,
how's my little pussycat?

What'd she say?

She hung up the phone.

It's your fault, she
heard you breathing.

Go away.

I'm sorry, Stephie, but if you
want to meet the company tonight,

then you gotta go upstairs now

and do your homework
before dinner.

Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

EDITH: Make
sure the chain is on.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Bunker.

No, you're not.

What was that?

Some kid pretending she's you.

Well, wait a minute.

Oh, hi. Can I help you?

Hi, I'm Katherine Bunker.

Fred's wife.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh.

Well, come on in, Mrs. Bunker.

Thank you.

I'm Mrs. Bunker, too.

I know.

You do.

I mean, I'm Edith Bunker.

Well, you can
call me that, Edith.

- Thanks, Edith.
- You're welcome.

Fred'll be here in a
minute, he's paying the taxi.

Hm... ooh!

This is our little
niece, Stephie.

Stephie, this is Mrs. Bunker.

She's your Uncle Fred's wife.

Hi, Stephie. I'm
glad to meet you.

How old are you?

I'm ten.

How old are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It ain't polite to
ask a lady her age.

You remember that.

She asked me.

It's okay. I'm .

Oh.

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

Thank you.

What grade are you in?

Here.

I graduated high
school last year.

That's good...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's probably Fred.

I'll get it.

Edith!

Oh, yeah, Fred!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Well, Archie's out.

He'll be back any minute.

Oh, let me introduce you.

This is our little
niece Stephie.

And this is your little wife...

[GIGGLES] I'm...

Oh, Stephie, this
is your Uncle Fred.

Hi, Stephie.

Hi.

- You want to see my room?
- I'd love to.

I got some neat dolls!

Oh, I love dolls.

Ahh... Oh, sit down, Fred.

Oh, after you.

- No, wait.
- No, sit.

[GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

So, what do you think of her?

Well, she's very pretty...

and very nice.

And very...

Young?

No.

Well... yeah.

Whoop-dee-doo,
whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo.

Look what I got with me here,

a little of the old bubbly, huh?

- Terrific.
- To celebrate.

I brung a whole "maggot" of it.

This here is imported

from a little town
in Italy... Fresno.

You take care of
that, huh, Edith?

Fred, sit down, sit down.

Hey, let that be your
chair whenever I'm not in it.

Hello.

Oh, hey! Hi, there.
Look who we got here.

I didn't know you was gonna
bring your daughter there.

[MUTTERING]

But I thought she
was a little older.

My daughter is older.

This is my wife.

This is your wife?

Uh-huh.

I'm Katherine.

This is his wife?

Oh, Kathy, would you like
to help me put this on the ice?

Sure. Excuse me.

STEPHIE: What do
you keep asking for?

She's his wife.

Hey, Arch, how
about the champagne?

Yeah, how about the champagne?

Go to bed!

What was that?

How about the champagne?

Forget the champagne!

I ain't openi" no champagne!

Listen, I'd be ashamed to
serve an alcoholic beverage

to "Patatum" O'Neal in there.

What are you doing in my chair?

- Take it.
- The hell with it!

What did you do,

steal that child off of
a schoolyard swing?

She is not a child.
She's a married woman.

Uh, married...

Who the hell married youse,

the truant officer?

It's none of your damn business.

Well, it is my damn business

if I'm supposed to go
into business with you!

I always knew how you
felt about minority groups,

but I never knew you had
anything against young women.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Never in my life did
I ever hold anything

against a young woman.

Listen, all I'm saying is

that it's wrong for
a young girl of

to be marrying a dirty old guy.

She's .

Eighteen!

God! He gets his
hooks into a girl of .

Well, you're one year dirtier

than I thought you was.

What the hell is dirty
about getting married?

I'll tell you what's dirty
about getting married!

It's dumb.

Okay, Archie.

Now, suppose you
were alone at your age

- and you wanted
to get married again...
- Hold it.

ARCHIE: I'm gonna answer
that question even before you ask.

I would look for a
woman my own age.

FRED: Okay, swell!

But suppose while
you're looking,

you happen to
meet a woman of .

She falls in love with you.

Has that ever crossed your mind?

Nothing ever crosses my mind!

So you don't think it's possible for a
woman of to fall in love with you?

Aw, a woman...

All right. Certainly, certainly.

Do you think it's possible for you
to fall in love with a woman of ?

Certainly.

It doesn't matter.

I may be a man of ...
[MUTTERS] years of age,

but I'm alive and well, and all
my parts are in working order,

and Lord knows
I ain't no "fruze"!

But I like to think I
can control myself.

I mean, I'm an intelligent man.

I ain't a animal

of "carnival
instinctuals" like you!

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't have to listen to this!

You gotta listen to anything
your older brother tells you!

And I'm telling you this,

I ain't going into
business with ya!

"Chink-a-terias."

Jeez! I never heard anything
more crazy in my whole life.

Well, you and
Edith ain't roping me

into anything like that.

Now I know why you
take the Chinese food,

because you and
it got soft noodles.

- Step aside!
- Go ahead!

Katherine Ann, come
on, we're going home.

We're not staying for dinner.

EDITH: Oh, no, please don't go.

ARCHIE: Let 'em go!

But we're gonna have
such a nice dinner.

I'm sorry, Edith.

Maybe it's better this way.

Some other time.

Oh, yeah, when you're older.

- Bye, Edith.
- EDITH: Good-bye!

Don't try to cash
that check at the bank

'cause I'm gonna call 'em up
there and put a "stopperoony" on it.

Bye, Uncle Archie.

You wouldn't have
fights with your brother

if you'd stop telling
him how to live his life.

Well, somebody's gotta tell him

'cause he don't know.

And anyway,
brothers always fight.

That's normal. Geez.

Read your Bible. Cain and Abel.

Read the newspapers. Billy
Carter and what's-his-name.

They don't fight.

Well, maybe they oughta.
It'd be better for the country.

Katherine is a very nice girl.

You don't have to tell me that.

I got eyes to see with, Edith.

She's young there...

pretty face,
tricky little figure.

If he'd have brung
her around our house

when the old man
was alive... wow!

What woulda happened?

[SIGHS]

Pop would have
made a grab for her.

All I know is that
a man that age

ain't got no business
marrying a girl that age.

And that's all there is to it.

- Oh, lots of men
marry young girls.
- Oh...

There was that famous
senator, you know?

And that Supreme Court judge.

[MUMBLING]

And Charlie Chaplin, he
married a very young girl.

Well, I remember that.

They chased him out
of the country for that.

Oh, no.

They finally give him an
Academy Award for that.

Edith, I don't want
to talk no more

about anything heavy, all right?

Just shut off the
light. Let's go to sleep.

I need my beauty rest.

Oh, good night.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

I'll do that.

See you in the morning.

You do that, Edith.

God, is it morning already?

Not yet.

I want to ask you a question.

What?

If you was alone

at your age, ...

Do you have to scream
that to the world?

And you wanted to
get married again,

you wouldn't look for a
young girl, would you?

Certainly not, Edith.

[GROANS]

Well, who'd you have in mind?

Well, it could happen, you know?

I ain't no spring chicken.

That is true.

You ain't no spring
rooster neither.

Why are you attacking me?

Archie...

I love you.

Oh, that... that works
out pretty good, Edith,

because that's exactly
the way I feel about you.

You ain't saying that

just to get me to go
to sleep, are you?

No, Edith, but I am trying
to get me to go to sleep.

Here, listen, let me
tell you something.

Being married to you

has been the happiest
years of my life.

We've been married years.

All right, years.

Make a liar outta me, Edith.

It shows you how happy I am.

The years flew by so fast,

I lost track of three of them!

I'm happy! I'm happy!

I'm happy!

Why?

Oh, why?

Because...

Because...

no matter how long
we've been together, Edith,

you still, as the kids say,

turn me "over."

[GROANS]

Oh...

Aw, whatever, Edith.

Oh, Archie.

- Mmmm.
- [MUTTERING]

- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.

Well, before we go to
sleep, just one more thing.

Age don't matter, you know?

As long as you
remember to do, you know,

like the song says,
stay young at heart.

Ohh...

Huh?

- Good night.
- Good night, darling.

[SIGHS]

♪ Fairy tales can come true ♪

♪ It can happen to you ♪

I said one thing too many.

Oh!

[CONTINUES SINGING]

Oh...

Edith...

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.