09x25 - Too Good Edith

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Ooh!

I don't want a sh*t!

- I don't care!
- You're not gonna do it!

- Yes, I am!
- No, you're not!

- Yes, I am!
- No, you're not!

- No, I'm not!
- No, you're...

You're not?

No.

How come?

Because I already did it.

It didn't hurt.

I didn't know it was
supposed to hurt.

[SIGHS]

I'd better do it again.

No!

Oh, no. He's just teasin'.

Oh, his father was a doctor.

He used to tease
Gloria that way. Oh.

You're just like your father.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

Yes, I am!

Yes.

Yes, except he's years older

and he has more hair.

Mm-hmm.

Ohhh.

Oh, Sidney.

Oh. [GIGGLES]

Oh, Dr. Shapiro!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Mrs. Bunker, is there
something wrong with your leg?

Oh, no, no.

- No? Hmm.
- Nothin'.

You, with the hole in the arm,

I have to talk to your aunt,

so go tell my nurse to give
you a root beer lollypop.

I don't like root beer.

It's for me!

You get a balloon.

I usually get bubble gum.

Too bad.

Go. Go, go, go.
Come on, come on.

I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, Mrs. Bunker, I want you

to hop right up here...

Pardon me. Here you go.

And I want to take
a look at that leg.

Oh, it ain't nothing.
It's just a bruise.

Well, come on. You put
your feet right up here

and let me examine it.

I guess I bumped it
against the bottom drawer

when I was putting
Archie's socks away.

He always leaves
his drawers open.

- [GASPS]
- Oh, Sidney!

Ow! Aw!

Why does it hurt so much?

Because I don't think it's an
ordinary bruise, Mrs. Bunker.

It could be phlebitis.

What's that?

It's a blood clot
and it can travel.

Where?

Well, to your lungs.

Hmm, that's a long trip.

And it could be serious,

but we're not gonna let
that happen, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, how?

Well, with medication,
with warm pads

and by staying off your feet.

Oh, I can't stay off my feet
till after St. Patrick's Day.

Why?

Are you marching in the parade?

Oh.

No! I ain't Irish.

But the bar is.

'Cause it's Kelsey's
and Kelsey used to own it

and Kelsey is.

So Archie's giving a
St. Patrick's Day party

and he wants it
to be the best ever.

So, I'm gonna do the cooking

and we're gonna have
corned beef and cabbage...

Mrs. Bunker, can
you cook in bed?

No. The stove is in the kitchen.

Then call a caterer.

Mrs. Bunker, stay off
your feet. No cooking!

- Now, listen. Put this on.
- No.

I'm gonna go talk to my
nurse. I'll be right back.

I want to give you a
complete examination.

Oh, no, no! Doctor!

- I'm saying I can't do that!
- SIDNEY: I'll be right back!

I ain't got time to be sick!

Uh! Aw!

Ooh! Darn!

Ooh...

- Open the door.
- Then get away from the door

so I can open it, huh?

Geez, the damn thing is locked.

- Hey, Edith!
- Is that you, Archie?

No, it's the Easter Bunny
bringing you your eggs.

And the bunny forgot his key,

so will you come and
unlock the door, hippety-hop?

- Take it easy.
- Heavy!

I'm coming!

- Oh, hello, Harry!
- HARRY: Hi, Edith!

- Come on in.
- I'll put it on the table.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Why couldn't you get
somebody to deliver this?

You're buying wholesale,
you can't do that.

You gotta do it yourself.

You expect to save money,

you also gotta expect
the pain and the groan.

What are you complaining about?

I'm doing all the work.

I'm doing all the
thinking, ain't I?

Oh, what a lot of cabbage.

Yeah, wait till you
see the potatoes.

Well, we ain't never
gonna see the potatoes

unless you go outside
and carry them in.

Come on!

Here. Here, Edith. Here's
some of the corned beef.

How much did you get?

Oh, I got pounds.

Well, let me see,
that means it's .

No, it don't! It's .

I said . Five- "O".

Yeah, it starts out
to be , five- "O,"

but it ends up , two-five.

Why?

Because when you boil
corned beef, it shrivels up.

It's like when you boil a plum,

it turns into a prune.

I mean, corned beef, after
you boil it, it's still corned beef.

It don't get fat like
a prune. It's skinny.

So, , five- "O," pounds
equals , two-five, pounds.

You get it?

I did. I understood that.

Good.

Well, it scares me.

I'm beginning to think like you.

Oh, that ain't unusual.

I read in the Reader's Digest

that lots of couples,
after they've lived

together a long time,

even start to look
like each other.

No.

HARRY: The
potatoes! The potatoes!

The potatoes! [GROANS]

Watch what you're doing here.

Oh, sit down, Harry.

- Have a beer.
- Yeah!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You ain't got no time to sit.

Look at this, it's nearly noon.

You gotta get down
and open up the saloon.

Business before pleasure, Harry!

Sorry, Edith.

A thirsty world is waiting.

- Yeah.
- I'll see you later.

All right. Well, thank
you very much, Harry.

Archie, you shoulda let him stay

and rest and have a beer.

I done that for you, Edith.

I don't want you to
be waiting on people.

Get me a beer, will ya?

I got something
to tell you, Archie.

I hope it ain't
gonna take too long.

I took Stephie to
see Dr. Shapiro today.

Don't tell me it's
anything serious.

No, it ain't serious.

Don't tell me it's
anything catchin'.

No, it ain't catchin'.

Don't tell me it's anything
that's gonna get in the way

of the St. Patty's Day party.

Well, see, Sidney said that...

- I oughta...
- Sidney?

Why didn't you take her
to the real Dr. Shapiro,

Sidney's father?

He's retired.

No, he ain't retired.

Geez, he's just hiding
from his patients.

What's the matter with the kid?

Oh, nothin', she's fine.

She just had to
have a booster sh*t.

I was telling Sidney
about the party...

Oh, the party!

I wish Kelsey could see
the party we're gonna give.

It's gonna be better than any St.
Paddy's Day party that he ever threw.

But then, Kelsey
didn't have you, see?

And I got you doing it all.

Archie, could we get a
caterer to do the cooking?

Edith, after me
bragging to everybody

that you're the best
cabbage cook in the world?

Not a chance!

- But, Archie...
- I need you
to do it, darling.

This is an awful
lot of work, see?

Oh...

I know why you're
backing off the work.

'Cause you seen that
"Gloria Steinway" woman

on The Merv Griffen Show the
other night, and she was sayin'

women ought to
stay out of the kitchen.

No, I didn't see that.

Oh, yeah. You was in
here doing the dishes.

Well, I seen it.

And I remember it.

I'm sorry I brought it up
'cause I want you to forget it.

Now, Edith, I gotta take
a nap for about an hour

before I go to work, see?

Call me, will ya? And have
a little lunch on the table.

Edith!

Hey, Edith, you better
get yourself ready!

Harry will be coming along in the van
any minute to pick us up, you know?

Edith? Edith?

Oh, wow. What a
magnificent sight here, Edith.

There's only one thing.

I can wish cabbage could
smell a little bit nicer, you know?

I mean, for a beautiful fruit, it
shouldn't smell like a drainpipe.

Edith.

Take a look.

Huh?

Does this look funny, huh?

Or do I just look like
the Jolly Green Jerk?

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

It's funny.

Well, say so.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, make
sure that Harry takes

all the pots.

There's of them.

And I want 'em all back

'cause some of 'em
belong to the neighbors.

Well, you can tell
Harry that yourself.

We're all going
down there together.

Me and Harry and
you and the pots.

Oh, no, Archie. I ain't going.

I... I gotta stay off my feet.

Off your feet, Edith?

No! You better get
up on your feet, darlin',

and get yourself dressed!

Come on! We're gonna
be late for the part...

Oh, come on! Edith! Edith!

We gotta get down to the
party! The party's just started.

- I want to st...
- Edith, come on, will ya?

The work's all done!

All you gotta do now
is serve the "fooze."

But I'm tired...

Oh, come on!

You'll feel a lot better

once you get down
there, sweetheart.

Get yourself dressed, huh?

ARCHIE: ♪ Oh, me
name is MacNamara ♪

♪ I'm the leader of the band ♪

♪ Although we're few in number ♪

♪ We're the finest in the land ♪

♪ We play at wakes
and weddings ♪

♪ And at every fancy ball ♪

♪ And when we play at funerals ♪

♪ We play the March From Saul ♪

♪ Ta dah, dah, dah ♪

[GROANING]

Ow!

[COUGHS]

Archie!

Archie!

What?

What?

Edith, what are you
doing there, huh?

What's wrong?

Call Dr. Shapiro.

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Call him. He knows all about it.

Yeah, well, all right.

But what do I tell him ails ya?

Tell him I can't walk.

Harry, I can't do
it. Call up the kid.

Bring him in to help.

What do you mean he
won't work St. Patrick's Day?

The Puerto Ricans
don't give a cucaracha

about St. Patrick.

Well, I can't help
that. You better try.

I can't come in.
Yeah, good-bye, Harry.

Good-bye, good-bye!

Well, there ain't no use in
sittin' here worryin', kiddo.

You better go up to your bed.

Is Aunt Edith real sick?

No, I don't think so.

She's... she's probably what
they call "benumbed," you know?

From inhaling
cabbage for two days.

The smell of cabbage can't
make a person not walk.

I wouldn't be too
sure about that.

You know, the nose, that's
a very powerful thing there.

I remember once I was
changing one of Joey's diapers...

Oh.

I lost my balance. I
had to sit down a minute.

- Mr. Bunker.
- Oh! Yeah, yeah.

I put a moist pack on her leg.

I want you to make
sure she keeps it there.

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

How's Aunt Edith?

She's tired like you.

Go upstairs, give
her a goodnight kiss.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Here. Here.

I forgot to give her this.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here! I have something for you!

I don't feel like a lollipop.

No, no. This time, bubblegum.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[SIGHS]

So, on the level, how is she?

I think she should
be in a hospital.

Gee, see? That's the difference
between you and your old man.

You think, he always knew.

Where is he?

He's retired.

He can't be retired!

He ain't got no
business being retired

while any of his
patients is still alive.

Get him on the horn, Sid.

I'm Dr. Shapiro!

He's the only Dr. Shapiro!

You ain't anything
like your father!

Mr. Bunker...

I have known you
since I was six years old.

Oh, yeah, I know. And
I didn't like you then.

And I don't like you now.

What about Edith?

Her, I like.

I mean, is she
gonna be all right?

Oh, now you're concerned.

After you
practically k*lled her!

What? What did I do?

What did you do?

What did I do?

What did you do?

You were a little
like your father then.

Come on, Mr. Bunker.

From the smell in this house,

it's obvious what
you've been doing.

What are you talking about?

I mean, that might cause
a person to leave a room

or open up a window.

But that ain't gonna
paralyze a woman.

I'm talking about cabbage.

It can't be the cabbage!

I ain't had none of that yet!

Mrs. Bunker told me
you've had her on her feet

for two days cooking!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

I told her not to cook!

Well, what the hell kind
of medical advice is that?

What's she got
that she can't cook?

She didn't tell you.

No!

Phlebitis.

I told her that if she
doesn't stay off her feet

it could k*ll her.

Phlebitis?

Ain't that what the
Democrats give Nixon?

She'll be okay.

She has her medication.

If she just takes it
easy, it will resolve itself.

Mr. Bunker, I
thought she told you.

You're gonna throw up?

No, no, no.

I'll be okay.

I thought you knew about this.

No, I didn't know nothin'.

Please forgive me. I never
would've yelled at you.

I thought it was your fault.

Well, it's okay.
Take it easy, Sid...

Forget it, forget it, forget it.

Please, forgive me,
Mr. Bunker. Please.

Yeah. It's all right.
It's all right, Sidney.

You're a good boy, you know?

Please don't tell my father.

Oh, I won't say
nothin' about it.

Just don't play ball
on my stoop no more.

That wasn't me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry!

You got a fever?

Well, Edith, I...
I gotta tell you,

I'm very disappointed in you.

I'm really very
disappointed in you.

I know.

I'm sorry you're
missing your party.

Oh, the hell with the party!

I mean, I'm disappointed in you!

Why?

I done all the cookin'.

And I had it all ready
for Harry when he come.

I'm not talking about...

You don't think much of me.

- I do!
- No, you don't.

I... I do!

Don't I always bring your
beer when you want it?

Oh, geez, but that
don't prove nothin'.

And don't I always
have dinner hot for you

when you come home?

That don't prove nothin' either.

Well, I wash your
clothes and I iron them

and I put them in
the right drawers.

I could hire a Sybil
Gooley to do them things!

Sybil Gooley would never
do them things for you.

Why the hell not?

'Cause she don't like you.

Oh, yeah.

Archie, I love you.

That's why I do
them things for you.

Why didn't you tell
me you were sick?

I tried to.

But I didn't want
to spoil your party.

The party! I don't want to hear
nothin' more about the party!

To hell with the party!

Geez.

You was too busy
being Mrs. Nice Guy.

Your shoes.

Well, it's cold up here!

You was being selfish, Edith.

Selfish?

That's right. S-E-double L-fish.

I guess you wanted
me to go on alone

tryin' to raise that little girl

who already lost one mother.

- No!
- Oh, geez, Edith.

You're always being
too good, good, good.

I'm gonna tell you. I'm
tired of suffering from that.

From now on...

like they say in the old song,

"there's gonna be
some changes made."

And, please, don't
sing it for me, huh?

I mean to say is...

if anything goes wrong with you,

you gotta tell me.

So's I can take care of ya!

I told Harry I can't go to work

until the doctor
says that you're okay.

I'm gonna wait on you.

Oh, Archie!

Careful with your
hand there, huh, Edith?

I... I know we're
in... in... in bed,

but you're too sick
for them kind of moves.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, Edith.

You know something?

If the whole damn world
was to go to the dogs,

as long as I had you
standing by my side, you know,

or sitting by my side,

or laying here like
this by my side,

everything'll be... just okay.

[SIGHS]

I've been blowing my own horn...

for a lot of years.

I'm gonna tell you something...

I ain't nothing without you.

You know something, Archie?

You're a pip.

A real pip.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.