03x05 - The Lost Girls

[bunniefuu]

Daria! You'll never guess who's
waiting by the phone to hear from you!

That's why they took
away my psychic hotline.

It's... oh, my gosh!
This is much too public.

Sorry, Jane, but I'm sworn to secrecy.

I'm sorry, your name again?

Okay, I'll tell you who we're calling.

It's Val!

You know, the Val.

As in, "Val."

Val, please.

This is Timothy O'Neill, Daria
Morgendorffer's writing mentor.

Of course I'll hold.

Val is coming to Lawndale High
to spend a whole day with you!

Daria, haven't you heard of Val?

The only Val I can think of is the
editor of that stupid teen magazine.

Yes! She loved your essay,
"My So-Called Angst."

How did she see it?

I sent it to her and it won the
"Spend a Day With Val" contest!

Hello, Val? Timothy
O'Neill, Lawndale High.

I have your star writer right here
and she is dying to talk to you!

Hello. Yes. No. It just isn't.

I guess I can't stop
you. See you then. Bye.

Remember, we have to keep this a secret.

Val wants to come to Lawndale incognito.

We won, Daria. We won!

- Lawsuit.
- Sorry!

"What TV's Hottest Hunks Really
Think About Your Blackheads."

She puts her name on this crap?

Quite a few times.

"Val talks to today's brightest
young stars about why they love Val."

Isn't Val magazine
published in New York City?

So...?

So wouldn't a trip to
New York sweeten the pot?

But Val's coming here.
I'm not going there.

Not yet, you're not.

Daria Morgendorffer,

please report to the principal's office for a
completly routine, ordinary, everyday conference.

Oh, this is so exciting!

Ms. Morgendorffer, do you have
any idea how big an honor this is?

This whole thing was
supposed to be a secret.

Daria, think of a giant
eyeball. That's the public eye.

When the public eye is turned on our little
corner of the universe, how do we want to look?

Blech.

Blech?

Giant eyeballs. Creepy.

Now, I have a few ideas on how we can
make Val's visit here a special one.

School Colors Day?

Are you trying to give the
public eyeball conjunctivitis?

Brought back from the grave by black magic,
but no one taught them to cross at the green!

The jaywalking dead,
next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey, kiddo.

What do you think?

Chili con... cheese puffs?

I got the recipe from Val magazine.

The mint was my addition.
It's a fresh sprig!

Jake, what is that? Cheese puffs?

It's the favorite of
some guy named Matt.

Help me set the table
before Val gets here.

We're eating in the dining room?

We never eat in the dining room.

"Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club,
A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread."

What do you think?

I think the world's gone
mad. Mad, I tell you.

This is our chance to be the
next international style center.

Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.

Before that, that grunge, Seattle was
just another city in our nation's capital.

Wrong Washington.

Yes, grunge was wrong, but you
can't blame the whole state.

Welcome to Lawndale, where style
meets substance and says, "see ya!"

Val! Welcome to our home!

Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's so real.

I am so jiggy with my idea of spending
a day with a typical heartland teen.

And you! You must be my brilliant Daria.

Actually, uh...

Over here, Val.

And then I said, "Do you think
it's easy being a wunderkind?"

and Leo was like, "Yeah, I know,"

and we just sort of soul-bonded
and head-clicked right away,

and I gave Fiona my lyrics and she
was like, "Val, you are so wise.

I am so glad to know you,"

and Nonie and Drew said, "The magazine has to
be you so everyone can know you like we do,"

and that's how I started Val.

We're young, but wise; edgy, but
full of heart... like me, Val!

That is fascinating!

Speaking of "edgy," Val, I've got
an idea for a fashion article. See...

"Edgy..." I keep hearing
that word from my clients.

Everyone wants "edgy." What is it?

"Edgy" is going right up to the edge of the
cliff and being able to see all the way down,

and dancing anyway.

What the hell does that mean?

How do you like the chili, Val?

It rocks! Are these cheese puffs?

I got the recipe from
your magazine. Is it edgy?

We only do edgy.

That's what drew me to Daria's
essay, "My So-Called Angst."

I'm sure Daria can
tell you all about edgy.

She is it, and I mean
"it" with a capital I-T.

Daria, you've barely said a word.

Yeah, Daria, tell your dad what edgy is.

As far as I can make out,

edgy occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged
profiteers are looking to suck the energy,

not to mention the spending
money, out of the "youth culture."

So they come up with this fake
concept of seeming to be dangerous

when every move they make is the result of
market research and a corporate master plan.

Jake, honey, is this mint in here?

Yeah! Fresh sprig!

I love this girl! Is she smart, or what?

Where'd you sharpen that mind
of yours, Daria? That's edgy!

What is?

Are you sure you won't
stay here tonight, Val?

We were so looking forward to it!

Thanks for the offer,

but I thought since I'm in town I might
as well check out the Grand Regency Hotel.

It's four stars.

Wow, that is living life on the edge.

In town? That hotel is an hour away.

My driver doesn't mind. See
you tomorrow, girlfriend.

- Bye! - Bye, Val.
- Bye, girlfriend.

She seems very nice.

I think you'll have a great
time together tomorrow.

What did you think, Quinn?

Um, was she a little
old for that outfit?

She's a little old for that brain.

Try not to be too negative, Daria.

I'm not being negative, I'm being edgy.

What is this word? What does it mean?

Somebody explain it to me!

Hi, girlfriend. I am,
like, beyond psyched.

This is going to be too much fun.

Are you just so jiggy with this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, do you think all those
people are there to see me?

That would be interesting,
since no one knows you're here.

Val! Meg Rosata, channel news.

Mind if we follow you
around for a while?

I'm sorry, but today I'm just
a regular Lawndale High student.

I don't know how you found out
about this, but please, no cameras.

But your office called
to say you'd be here!

Darn it! They must have
misunderstood my "no publicity" edict.

That is so wack!

I'm sure you're more interested
in my student escort, Daria.

Val, how about a few words on your
impressions of Lawndale so far?

Lawndale rocks!

That's great!

Lawndale High may be a typical
American secondary school,

but today is anything but typical...

Being famous can be such
a spiraling-down drag.

I never wanted to give up
my privacy, you know, Daria?

Sure, Val. That would be why
you named your magazine "Val."

So, I think our strategy should
be we basically just hang,

and I'll come up with some ear candy, and
you'll write about your day with me, Val,

and I'll write about Val's day with you,

and we'll really get at the hidden
heart of high school. Are you with?

New York, New York...
it's a hell of a town.

Um, New York City must be
very stimulating for a writer.

All that culture and literary tradition?

New York? Great parties.

Hey, Daria, why is everyone
wearing blue and yellow?

It's School Colors Day.

Just a random event
inspired by school spirit.

It's got nothing to do with your visit,
which, of course, is a huge secret.

You should have told me! I
want to fit in while I'm here.

Therein lies the difference between us.

George, I'm going to
need a wardrobe change.

Pull something yellow
and blue and jiggy.

I don't know, call a
courier or ask the concierge.

I hope no one acts differently around
me, but you'll let me know, right, Daria?

Oh, there's Daria! Let's
say 'hi' to our buddy Daria.

Daria? Our buddy?

Kevin, we love Daria! Hi, you!

Daria!

It's me, your friend, Brittany.

Oh, gee, Brittany. I'm
glad I ran into you.

I've decided to try out
for the cheerleading squad.

Would you mind sponsoring me?

Um... sure thing, Daria.

Nope, they're not acting
differently at all.

Hey, how come you're not
wearing blue and yellow?

It's School Colors Day, Daria!

Yeah. We're not colorful enough for you?

It's my own fault for getting
lured into conversation.

Aren't you going to introduce
us to your new friend?

Oh, she's, um, a friend.

Oh, Daria, we might as well give it up.

I'm just too recognizable.

Okay, it's me, Val.
Yes, the Val, as in Val.

You're kidding! I love Val!

You know each other?

How about doing a cheer for America's
coolest young women, my readers?

Um, okay. Give me a "V"!

Give me an "A"!

Give me an "L"...

gosh, that's short.

Maybe I should write about
cheerleading as the new yoga.

Last year I did yoga as the new cheerleading,
but I'm ready for a different spin.

Pretty good for a
-year-old, huh?

Twenty-eight?

I know, I know. People
still think I'm, like, .

When Drew and I go out clubbing
I'm always the one who gets carded.

These clubs, are they very, very dark?

Oh, it's so cool to be back in school!

And so, in The Sound and the Fury,

Faulkner give us a veritable
kaleidoscope of P.O.V.s, points of view.

Of course, the title
itself is from Shakespeare.

Can anyone tell me which of
the Bard's tragedies? Daria?

Macbeth.

That's right. The Scottish play!

"Life's but a walking shadow,

a poor player that struts and frets
his hour upon the stage and then...

is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury..."

"... signifying nothing." Yes, Val.

I'd be happy to take a few questions.

Oh. Okay, sure.

Val, how'd you get started?

Well, I was a bit like Daria.

I wrote all the time. I
was smart, I was cool...

But Daria's not cool.

Anyone who writes like
that is cool in my book.

And my book is called Val, on sale
at your local newsstand. Next? Yes.

Don't you think Val could
try harder to present

a multicultural, multi-ethnic, less brain-dead point of
view to enlighten girls instead of just marketing to them?

What's your name?

Jodie.

Jodie, you've got great sassy energy!

Now let me turn it back on you.

Pea green nail polish: edgy or icky?

What do you guys think?

"Edgy" and "icky" are so
hard to tell apart these days.

Exactly! Wack!

Is there a duck in here?

You're on!

Wouldn't it be cool to have a real high school
student research that topic in New York City?

Interesting idea; I'll write it down.

And so the seed is planted.

Biology metaphor: icky.

Now, who has a dating problem
they'd like to discuss?

I was so good in there!

I should be doing this on
TV. I could have my own show.

I know, you can call it Val.

Cool, Dar! I am so down with that.

I better phone my agent.

This being a typical high
schooler for a day is so fun!

Although, real high schoolers don't
call their agents until after lunch.

Quinn, I'm confused. You said you
had a close relationship with Val.

So why is she hanging out with
that girl who lives with you?

Oh, don't worry about that, Sandi.

Val happens to be doing a
special unpopularity issue.

Come on, let's go talk to her.

Yeah, I see it as a : show but there's
some flexibility there; work something up.

Oh, and make sure the networks know
that I'm blonde now, okay? Who are you?

It's me, Val, Dar.

Oh, I forgot where I was for a sec.

Hi, Val. These are my
fellow Fashion Club members.

Hi.

Finally, some popular
people. Just kidding, Dar!

Val, we've dressed to show
the best of Lawndale chic.

Note the simplicity, the
bounciness, the overall cuteness.

You guys aren't wearing yellow and blue.

Um, Val? Sandi Griffin, Fashion
Club president. If I may?

Yes?

Mixing primaries during
daylight hours? Not done.

It isn't? Um, excuse
me. I'll be right back.

So, you finally managed
to shake Gidget, huh?

No one can survive an
as*ault by the Fashion Club.

Doctorate, shmoctorate.

Just tell them I won't accept the award
unless Neve presents it to me, period.

Yo, there's my
girlfriend, got to go! Dar!

No one of our world, you mean.

Do you think it's flighty
to keep changing my outfit?

Or is it one of the inalienable rights that
come with being a teenage girl in the U.S. of A.?

Maybe it's just playing stupid.

No, it's fun, like you, Val!

Thanks.

Don't you want to sit
at the popular table?

You said to do what we normally do.

So listen, Dar. I've been getting
like, this vibe around here.

Am I to understand that
you're not popular at all?

That's right. I don't
even have a clique.

But you're... cool, right?

She's really cool.

But think how much cooler she could be if she had
a chance to soak up more of your mentorish energy.

Like, in New York City.

Hey, didn't you mention New York before?

I just think that to
really flesh out this story,

Daria should spend a day
with you, in your environment,

experiencing your exciting life
from her typical teen perspective.

Really, Jane, that's all right.

I think Val and I have hung
out enough to last a lifetime.

That's called soul
bonding, Daria, but hold on.

I think your only friend,
Jane, is on to something.

I like this dual
P.O.V. Thing, don't you?

Just like The Sound and the
Fury... especially The Fury.

Exactly! It'll be Faulknerian and
Shakespearean and mainly Valian.

You'll hang out with me for one glorious
day in your otherwise humdrum life!

Thanks, Jane.

At your service... Dar.

Daria Morgendorffer, please report
to the principal's office immediately.

And if, um, you happen to have
anyone with you, a guest or something,

of course they're welcome to come, too.

Jiggy!

I just wanted to make sure your visit to Lawndale
High has been everything you hoped it would be.

This place rocks!

Also, I was wondering...
what's Garth Brooks really like?

Don't know him, but check out my body
Skeet's underwear spread in my next issue.

We're talking hot. How
do you want yours signed?

Oh, any old way. "To Angela
Li. To my friend, Angela Li.

To a good friend and a
great educator, Angela Li."

Cool. Daria, you're taking notes, right?

Yes, Daria, this is an
educational opportunity for you.

Oh, I'm learning quite a bit.

Excuse me. Go ahead, you got Val.

Oh, hey, Nonie, honey.

What? What? He what? With Gwynnie?

That slut! Are you sure?

No, of course you had to tell me.

Everything all right?

I am Val, as in Val.

I am Val, as in Val.

Fine... fine.

Now, you'll note the school spirit
evidenced by the blue and yellow outfits.

Where does that school
spirit come from, you say?

In my years as an educator...

I am Val, as in Val.

I am Val, as in Val.

Can I get you some water?

Go ahead, I'm fine.

In my years as an educator, I...

I'll just be a sec. I
need to make a phone call.

That's going very
well, wouldn't you say?

We haven't actually come to blows yet.

She does seem a bit high-strung.

You know, Daria, the creative temperament can
be a roller-coaster ride of tempestuous emotions.

I remember my own brief
career as a dancer...

What do you mean she
wants to have your baby?!

As I was saying, as an
aspiring young ballerina...

You don't know how it happened?

How do you think it happened, you
ungrateful teen heartthrob cheese ball?

A pitcherful of fuzzy navels and
sunset on your freaking deck in Malibu!

The same way it happened with me!

Um, you were saying?

Yes, I, uh...

You used me to get into Val magazine!

I made you, and I can unmake you!

You are neither hot nor a
hunk, you soon-to-be has-been!

So I said, "This is Val talking, not just
some ordinary teen loser from Loserville."

Anyway, I am through with famous guys.

I'm sticking with fashion designers and
studio heads, at least for the time being.

Waterproof eye makeup
is so important, Dar.

And glitter, I'm really
into glitter these days.

It makes everyone feel like a star.

Are you getting this, Dar?

Why don't you read me back your notes?

Okay. "What am I doing here?

How am I going to get through this?

Dear God, help me."

Wow, you are so existential.

But didn't you write
down anything I said?

Hang on. You got Val, go.

How can I not appeal
to their demographic?

They are so wack, I
am their demographic.

They wouldn't know edgy
if it bit them in the butt.

Oh, confirm my hair color appointment
and facial for tomorrow, would you?

And work up a schedule for
my girlfriend Dar's visit.

Thanks for saving my life, helpmate.

I'm zonked. Collaborating
is hard, don't you think?

How would I know?

Sorry about all those phone calls.

Oh, I just think of it as
being a witness to history.

Anyway, it isn't every day your
boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.

I was not dumped!

And I'm much more famous than that
pathetic B-list pseudo-celebrity.

Not that the suits who control
the airwaves would know.

Sometimes I feel like the whole
adult world is against youth culture.

Except the adults making a
nice, fat living off of it.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you mean pushing yourself
as some kind of role model

when all you care about is how you
look and what celebrities you know?

Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without
you foisting your shallow values on them

and making their lousy
self-images even worse?

Now look here, missy.

I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher?

I am a role model! I'm in
touch with the teen within.

Why don't you get in touch
with the -something without?

Your readers aren't going to be
teenagers forever, unlike you.

A real role model would be
teaching them stuff they can use.

-something?!

You know, I came here to do an article on a
smart girl who's cool, because smart is cool.

But cool is cool, too, and smart that
doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it?

You can forget about New York, Daria.

You know, deep down you're
nothing but a... a...

A brain?

You almost made me say it!

I don't really look like
I'm -something, do I?

So you're not going to
write an article for Val.

How's Mr. O'Neill taking it?

I think he understood after I handed
in my essay about spending the day

with a totally self-absorbed egomaniacal teen
magazine editor doing the work of the devil.

Hey, Daria, did you see the latest Val?

"My Day With D.: A disturbing true-life look
at America's underground bummer culture."

Wonder what this could be about.

It gets worse.

"Recently, I spent an entire day hanging out with
a disturbing girl I shall refer to only as 'D'."

"Unenthusiastic, unpopular, cynical, 'D.' just
doesn't understand how great it is to be a teen.

In fact, she may be the anti-teen."

I'm afraid everyone's going
to know that's you, Daria.

Hey, I'm jiggy with it.