01x02 - The Terror of Tal'Dorei (part 2)

[bunniefuu]

[creatures chittering]

[Krieg] Look sharp, son.

We're in for
one hell of a battle.

General Krieg, is it true
the Shale Steps fell?

Aye.

And the monster
is still unknown.

But you are the Arms of Emon,

entrusted by Sovereign Uriel
with the safety of the realm.

We don't need to know the enemy,
we only need know ourselves.

Our training,
our devotion to this land.

No matter the danger,
victory is ours

if we fight with honor
and raise our swords on high.

You heard the General.
For Emon.

- As one!
- [all] As one!

[scoffs] What a load of shite.

Best finish making camp.

A storm's
blowing through tonight.

[bird calls out in distance]

[gasps]

[man] Is that...

[captain] Eyes up.
We've got incoming.

[snarls]

Stand your ground.

Archers, make ready.

- Let loose!
- [man] Fire!

[screaming]

Ready the catapult!

Release!

[cheering]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

[whooping]

[snarling]

[screaming]

[whimpering]

f*ck honor.

[panting]

[screaming]

[roaring]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[Uriel] And you saw it?

- What did this?
- [Krieg] The beast

is a blue dragon, sire.

Only a few of us
managed to escape.

My Gods.

Allura, you've dealt
with such creatures in the past.

How do we fight it?

Oh, that was a red dragon,
years ago.

But to my experience, dragons
are fiercely intelligent,

calculating creatures.

Their machinations run deep.

[door opens]

Ah, Sir Fince finally joins us.

I hope this crisis hasn't
kept you from your skulking.

I've been gathering
intelligence we sorely lack.

Seems your band of fools
have gone missing.

Safe to say you've sent
Vox Machina to their doom?

Doom? We don't know
the meaning of the word.

Uh, I certainly don't.

Sovereign, hold on
to your g*dd*mn crown.

We've discovered that
the monster is none other than

a blue dragon!

[all] We know.

Did you k*ll it?

I wouldn't say "k*ll," really.

We're still kind of
working on that part.

[laughs] I can't believe
you made it out alive.

How did you survive?

Mm, trade secrets,
I'm afraid, Kriegy.

We hid and it flew away.

[laughs] Wait.

- How did we survive that?
- [grunts]

- [high-pitched ringing]
- [Fince] These blabbering fools

are useless, sire.

Perhaps if we made
an offering to the dragon.

Gold in exchange for peace?

Why don't we shake its hand
and offer it a f*cking pint

while we're at it?

A dragon cannot
be bartered with.

If it desires Emon's
destruction, it will not relent.

You heard her, sire.
You know what must be done.

But what if it att*cks the city?
We'd be sitting ducks.

What would you have me do?
Let it burn more farmland,

slaughter more innocents?

No. We will bring
the fight to it

on our terms.

General, you may
move our soldiers at dawn.

But sire, you know as...

I have made my decision,
Lady Kima.

This council is adjourned.

[guard] All right,
you heard him. Clear out.

[Pike] Hey, hey, hands off.
I'm leaving. Geez.

Uh, don't k*ll it
before we do.

Y-Your offer's
still on the table, right?

[guard ] Yes, you are...

Oh, yes, you... Oh.

[low groan]

I felt it again,
that same feeling I had

around the dragon.

[low grunt]

There must be a connection.

One of them is working
with that fucker.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, yeah. I bet...

I bet it's Allura.

I never trust
anyone prettier than me.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I knew it.

- No, you dipshits. Fince.
- The creepy one.

Looked like a withered piece
of scrap leather?

Oh. [chuckles]

I didn't catch anybody's name.

So, what do we do next?

Vax and Pike go to Gilmore's.

Buy us a w*apon
that can k*ll a dragon.

Uh, with what?
We're flat f*cking broke.

Please, with the way
that man dotes on you,

I'm sure you can
work something out.

The rest of us will split up
and search for Fince.

If you find him,
don't let him out of your sight.

That sounds like a plan.

But, uh, you're not
the only one with ideas, Vex.

Is that so?
Please Scanlan, tell me yours.

- [growls]
- [yelps]

Uh, I'll tell you

when I have one.

[man] You have
entered a realm

of mystery, of magic, of marvel.

Welcome to Gilmore's
Glorious Goods!

Enchanted curials and magical
artifacts at discounted prices.

I take gold, silver,
platinum... [gasps]

Why, if it isn't the mysterious
Vax'ildan? [laughs]

Oh, I was hoping you would
swing back through again.

[laughs]

Glad to see you've lost
none of your charm, Gilmore.

[laughs] Oh, listen to you.

Don't. Stop.

I can't take it.

- I've missed your visits.
- [Pike clears throat]

- Hi.
- So, are you here on business or pleasure?

Uh, business, I'm afraid.

We need information
on blue dragons.

Hmm?

Particularly,
how to k*ll them.

Well, for , gold,
I'll sell you

this handy-dandy magic
Lance of Dragon Slaying.

A fantastic bargain.

[chuckles] We can't presently
afford such a w*apon,

but perhaps some advice
for a tiny fee?

Hopefully what you're offering
isn't too tiny.

I-I suppose size
isn't everything.

We need to know if blue dragons
have any weaknesses.

Weaknesses, eh?

Well, to start,
they're egomaniacs.

They hate being insulted
and have tremendous vanity.

[chuckles] Not that
I can relate.

- [both chuckle]
- Hi. Still here.

Is there any way to stop them?

Honestly, there's no simple way
to k*ll a dragon.

Even in tomes of old,

legends of their destruction
are largely poetic drivel.

- [Pike coughs]
- Ah.

"The Wyrm shall only find defeat

in the gorge
where the twin rivers meet."

See? Cute, but...

Useless.

While dragon anatomy
is a topic for many a scholar,

anyone close enough to find out
seems to get themselves

- snapped up.
- [grunts]

Sorry I couldn't
be more helpful,

but you get what you pay for.

Gilmore, this is all
very helpful.

Even the bullshit.

If we survive this...
[chuckles]

...I owe you dinner.

You owe me more than that,
my handsome half-elf.

[Pike] All right, you two,
foreplay's over.

We should probably
go find our friends.

[sighs]

So, um,

what were we
supposed to be doing, again?

I don't know, searching
for Fince or something.

- God, this is boring.
- [women giggling]

[gasps] Hold up.

You know where that creepy
little taint-raisin would be?

The brothel. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we can investigate there
for hours if we need to.

Yeah, but, won't Vex
be kind of pissed

if we ain't doing
what she said to?

I don't give a wet fart
what she thinks.

Clearly, I'm the brains
of this operation.

Really? 'Cause she told me
you have "d*ck for brains,"

which doesn't seem possible.

[groans] You know what, screw
Vex and her stupid feather head.

I'm going to the brothel.

[gasps]

[stammers]

[gulping]

[Scanlan] It's that
thin-lipped crypt keeper.

- Come on.
- [belches]

[Grog] Hey, can you see him
from up there?

[shushes] That way.
Across the street.

He's sneaking up
to that fancy manor.

- Oh! The f*ck... f*ck...
- Hmm?

Okay. That skanky goat groper
is up to no good.

You keep an eye on that house,
I'll go get the others.

Right. Can you pick me up
a sandwich on the way back?

What? A sandw... No.

I'm not going
on a food run, dummy.

[whimpers] Please?

[sighs] what do you want?

Mmm.

[grunting] So good.

[sighs] Sturdy lock.

Nothing a little magical song
can't handle.

[clears throat]

♪ Open your back door, baby ♪

♪ Loosen your hinges,
I'll show you my key ♪

Damn. That usually works.

What if I heat the metal
and melt the lock?

[grunting]

What the hell, Keyleth?
This is imported silk.

The lock doesn't seem
to be magical.

I'm not sensing anything.

Can you people do nothing right?
It's just a damn door.

Hmm?

[grunts] Hmm?

All it takes
is a little finesse.

Amateurs.

That was my toothpick.

Wow.

This place is fancy.

Apparently Krieg lives here.

And has dreadful taste in art.

Oh, sh*t. I bet Fince
is here to assassinate his ass.

Oh, you think?

Why don't you
three head to the second floor?

Scanlan and Grog,
search the attic.

- Vax and I will start here.
- [clicking]

Or maybe we all
just go check the cellar.

[Scanlan] Aha!

We caught you blue-handed,
chicken humper!

Drop your blade.

What? No, no,
you don't understand.

I'm not stealing anything.

Of course you're not.
And that sword

isn't to m*rder General Krieg
with, either, right?

Pike, I think it is.

You must listen to me.
These documents are evidence.

General Krieg is planning to...
[shouts]

[gasps]

[Vex] What?

- [Vex] Krieg!
- [Vax] Krieg!

Nice bloody technique.

How do you stay so quiet
in that armor?

[high-pitched ringing]

[exhales] Oh, no.

[shouts]

He's the one,
in league with the...

Of course it was me.

I championed you because
you're a bunch of witless oafs

who no one gives
two shites about.

You've been lucky so far,
but you have no idea

what you have gotten
yourself into.

I've got him.

Finesse, huh?

Krieg!

He's gone.

Quite the keen observation,
Scanlan.

There must be a hidden exit
or trap door.

Fan out.

Look for some kind of fulcrum.

Wait, a f*ck room?

I mean, that's what I heard.

A lever, a button.

Just... stand over there, Grog,

and don't touch anything.

Whoa.

You guys, everything
in this room is magical.

Where do we even start?

Oh. [gasps]

Oh, my.

Oh, how booty-ful. [gasps]

This guy really has a thing
for dragons.

[Grog chuckling]

Grog, it's rude to stare.

- Grog, you're being gross.
- [chuckling]

[grunting]

Oh! Keyleth, you found it!

It's a portal!

[exhales] Nice work.

Brilliant, really.

[chuckles] Oh. It was nothing.

She threw a book at a head.
It was nothing.

[gasps]

My arms. Scanlan, lookit!

[gasps] They're in the booty.

That is so cool.

Listen,
if we're gonna fight Krieg,

we have to do this as a team,
all right?

Organized. As one.

Please, we... [chuckles]
We don't do organized.

Look at us.
We're Vox Machina.

We f*ck sh*t up.

Can we at least try?

Can we at least go, already?

Lead the way, big man.

[groans]

You know what, guys,
uh, good luck.

I'm just gonna keep a lookout
from here. [shouts]

- [shouts]
- [shivering]

So cold.

What is this place?

High in the mountains, I'd say.

[Vax] Wherever we are,

we're far from Emon.

[Scanlan] No way.

- [shivering] Gold.
- [gasping]

- Gold. [laughing] Gold!
- [Grog laughing]

Seems excessive
for a council member.

Seems excessive for anyone.

- [Grog] Yeah!
- [chuckling]

[grunts]

Magic scrolls, jewels, potions.

Is this a troll d*ck?

Think of all the ale
I could buy.

Buddy, we could be drunk
for weeks.

Days, even!

You know what, Uriel can keep
his paltry payment.

We're rich!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

This gold didn't fall out
of the f*cking sky.

This is a horde!

- We're in the dragon's lair!
- [grunts]

Those are pretty.

But also...

ominous.

[gasps]

[otherworldly voice] Intruders.

[rumbling]

I didn't do that.
Did I do that?

I don't think I did that.

[groans]

[Krieg] I must say,

I'm impressed.

To tell you the truth,
I was certain

you would die the moment
you met the mighty Brimscythe.

But it seems some vermin
are harder to k*ll than others.

You-you wanted Uriel to send
the entire army out of Emon.

So your dragon friend
could wipe them out.

The Age of Man
is coming to an end.

There was a time when dragons
ruled all of Tal'Dorei,

when we ruled the entire world.

Did he just say "we"?

[growling]

[roars]

Didn't see this one coming,
did you, Vex?

[growling]

- [screams]
- Grog!

[grunts, groans]

- Are you all right?
- Um, no.

- [Brimscythe roaring]
- [all screaming]

A tickle.

Let me return the favor.

sh*t. [exclaims]

Aah!

[grunts]

Fools. I'll devour you all.

Huh?

[sniffs, growls]

Pike? Pike?

Pike? Pike?! Pike?!

- [screams]
- [grunting]

[both grunt]

- Look out!
- [grunts]

Vax, did Gilmore
give you any insight

on how to k*ll this thing,

or did you two flirt
the whole time?

sh*t. Right, right.

Uh, uh,
dragons are vain, arrogant,

- egotistical... [grunts]
- [growling]

[Vex] I know that already.
I studied them, remember?

- [grunts]
- Doesn't matter.

We can't do sh*t
if it's in the air.

[Vax] "Where
the twin rivers meet."

The neck. You see that?

We have to get it on the ground.

Vex, do you hear me?!

Yes! This way. I've got a plan.

- Aw, another one?
- Shut up.

[gasps]

Look, okay,
for once, you were right.

Maybe we don't fight as one.

Maybe we do what we do best.

What? We have no best.

[Brimscythe cackles]

So, what do you want us to do?
Run out and yell,

"Hey, dragon man, we don't know
what the f*ck we're doing"?

[growls]
Ha!

You think you can
hide in my lair?

Hey, taint smear!

You're in my way again, you ape.

What'd you call me?

Maybe I'll squash you, too.

Oh, as if either of you
could k*ll anything.

A preening, peacoated peacock
and a witless goon.

[Percy] You watch yourself,
peasant.

If the three of you
will shut up already

and let me k*ll
this inflated windbag...

[growls]
k*ll me?

I am the iron storm.

You are nothing but insects!

[all scream]

[laughs]
Pathetic.

[Brimscythe] What?

- Impossible!
- [Scanlan clears throat]

- Gotcha.
- Now!

[Keyleth] Oh, come on.

Come on, come on, come on.
You got this.

[grunts]

[panting, grunts]

[roars]

[panting]

[grunting]

Scanlan's Hand!

[grunting]

[roaring]

Light him up, Vex.

[screams]

I will sunder your bones.

- Look who's nice and low.
- [sneers]

I would like to...

rage!

[roaring]

[shouting]

[all grunt]

[Grog groans]

Is he dead?

[Chuckles softly]
We did that.

We did that, right?

It seems being a bunch
of assholes has its merits.

[Grog grunts]

- Souvenir?
- [scoffs]

Proof we k*lled the scaly turd.

Huh. You know,
you're a lot smarter

than we give you credit for,
Grog.

- Yep, I'm a genius.
- Huh?

- Aw, f*ck this day.
- Oh!

- Exit strategy?
- Run!

[Scanlan] Wait!

The-the loot!
[grunts]

[groans]
Damn it!

We got him, kid.

[Uriel] Vox Machina,

for your selfless heroism,
I proclaim you all

Protectors of the Realm

and honorary members

of the council of Tal'Dorei.

I know.
I can hardly believe it myself.

[all laugh]

Oh, how I've missed
respectability.

Yes, yes, yes,
that's all fine and good,

but where is the... Ah.

There we are.

[chuckles]
Payday.

Uh...

Keys? Parchment?

- Where's our reward?
- [Uriel] You're holding it.

The deed to your new keep
here in Emon.

We need our protectors
close at hand to,

you know, protect.

- [gasps, chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Uh-huh. Uh, hypothetically,
if we sold it, how much

do you think that...

Okay.

Sister, we have a home.

Wait till I tell my father.

Oh, the Ashari
will never believe this.

I bet...

I'm ruining a moment right now,
aren't I?

Yep, I'm just gonna
go over here now.

As protectors,
you must understand

that the thr*at
is far from over.

We suspect Krieg may have been
part of a larger plot.

As such, I have arranged
an important banquet

to discuss the security
of our realm.

It'll be quite delightful,
really.

We have a wonderful cook.

We trust you will all attend.
In fact,

several dignitaries should be
on their way as we speak.

- [horse neighs]
- Huh?

L-Lady Briarwood, there's
something blocking the road.

Can you go around it, Desmond?

[man] Allow me, my love.

[leaves rustling]

[chuckles]

[bandit] Well,
ain't this a lucky night.

Looks like royalty to me.

What do you say, g*ng?

[whimpers]

Oh, he's a fancy one.

We want everything
you and the missus got

unless you want to be gutted
like a fish.

What, are you deaf or something?

Empty your pockets.

Aah!

[gasping]

The f*ck?!

[grunting]

- [whimpers]
- [gasps]

[screams, grunts]

[door opens]

I hope it wasn't
too much trouble, Sylas.

Delilah, my dear,

- it was nothing.
- [whip cracks]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪