04x02 - Antisocial Climbers

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, my only video
source is incomplete

The complet text at
outpost Daria, thanks.

NOw enjoy men!

Class, in my hands,

I hold a piece of paper which has the potential
to open up a world of positive experiences.

Mandatory home-schooling legislation?

A sign-up sheet for
an overnight hill trek.

An excellent opportunity to understand the
primal struggle for survival we made it through

together in The Call of the Wild.

Hmm, consecutive
hours with our classmates.

It doesn't get any
more primal than that.

So my guess is you won't be signing up.

No. My life is so full already that trying biodegradable toilet
paper would just bring it to the bursting point. What about you?

No way.

I had a bad experience on
that hill with the Girl Scouts.

We kept marching and singing and marching and singing
about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.

You were a Girl Scout?

Not after the deprogramming.

K-I-N... or
is that an "M"?

Damn eyes!

Oh, Mom, look! These climbing shoes will look so
cute with the matching tear-resistant cigarette pants.

Yes... Daria,

is there anything you'd like
to order from the catalog?

How about the
tear-resistant new identity?

Of course, I'll also need the Gore-Tex
twin set for impromptu parties.

Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok
hospital? "Babes in Thailand" tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Dad and I would be happy to help you
get outfitted for the field trip, too.

Wouldn't we, Jake?

S-U-G-A...
damn!

What the hell is that letter?

Hey!

Now, I'll need a credit card.

Don't worry about the calls,
because it's for a field trip, so,

technically, we're talking school supplies and
"nothing's too good for our girls' education."

You're going on a trip?

Jake, with Daria and
Quinn away overnight,

this is the perfect opportunity for us

to spend that quality
couple's time recommended

by our intimacy counselor.

Great idea! Who?

I've been seeing an
intimacy counselor to promote

growth and togetherness
in our relationship.

It was just easier to
schedule if I went alone.

I'll fill you in.

All right.

I hate to burst this
bubble of marital bliss,

but since I'm not
going on the field trip,

you'll have to forego your quality couple's
time for the usual inferior couple's time.

Okay, Daria's talking
so I have to leave now.

Bye, Quinn.

All right, Daria, name your price.

Excuse me?

My refusal to attend this
field trip is based on

moral and ethical
objections so intrinsic...

$ .

$ .

Done.

Of course, this $ merely buys
my participation in the field trip.

For an additional $ ,

I could be convinced not to tell
Quinn about this arrangement.

I gave you life, Daria;

I can take it away.

$ should do it.

"King Tut was buried without his diver."

What the hell does that mean?!

That's "liver," Dad.

Eww...

All right, girls,

your father and I will be at the Big River Cabinsjust a
couple of miles from your campsite if you need anything at all.

Unless it's money. Bye!

Thanks for coming.

Hey, that's what friends are for.

Now, where's that $ ?

You know,

I really should have
thought this through better.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,

his name is my name, too...

Yeah, me, too.

Quinn, that scarf is so cute.

Yeah, so cute.

I would have brought
my really cute scarf,

but I was under the impression we were supposed to
take clothes that are functional and fashionable.

Actually, Sandi, they
don't call this a scarf.

It's a thermal neck
insulator that easily converts

into a sling-back
heat-dispelling halternative

for unseasonably warm
weather conditions.

Wow.

Wow, you think of everything, Quinn.

And, it comes with a
matching snakebite kit.

But... why would you bite a snake?

You don't understand, Tiffany, dear.

The woods are full of slimy,
cold-blooded creatures.

Isn't that right, Quinn?

Um, look at this stuff

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Good morning, students.

Please be so gracious as to haul
your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus.

Hurry up, girls.

You don't want to get left behind.

You mean it's an option?

Oh, sure, being left behind
seems like a cute idea to you now,

but when it happens to
you after years of

squandering your good
looks and womanly charms,

you might not find it so
amusing to be abandoned

with nothing but eight
bags of dirty laundry and

a pyramid of "Beers
of the World" empties!

How does that saying go?

"'Tis better to have loved and lost..."

"If you know a good hit man."

And finally, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy,

you'll be in charge of
transporting field supplies.

And let's all be respectful of
this unspoiled wilderness, okay?

You don't suppose we could be in
for a blizzard of epic proportions?

That would only happen if we were stranded
in the comfort of our favorite pizza place

Don't you worry, girls.

We'll reach base camp long before
any inclement weather should arrive.

And once I've documented our
triumphant ascent with this camera,

Lawndale's Wilderness Adventure Club will be a shoo-in for a
lucrative sponsorship from Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc.

"Hanging ten on the edge
of the apocalypse..." Ooh!

But Lawndale doesn't have
a Wilderness Adventure Club.

We do now. Mr. O'Neill,

you're artistic. Document these
two doing something rugged.

Okay, girls, let's see
that primal instinct.

Sandi? Wait up, you guys!

I know, Quinn.

Why don't you convert one of your
mittens into a luggage carrier?

Want me to get those for you, Quinn?

That is so sweet. Don't
fall too far behind!

I got them!

Come on, man!

Hey, wait, guys! There are three
of Quinn's bags and three of us!

Oh.

Hey, babe, I got a surprise for you.

Flowers!

Oh, you guessed it.

Oh, Kevvy... that is so romantic.

Ow! Ow!

Hey, babe... where's my thank-you?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, dear. You see, kids,
even the lowly wildflower

humbles us with its crafty defenses,

attracting bees or spewing
lung-seizing pollen.

Are you okay, Mr. O'Neill?

Just seasonal allergies.

Nothing my trusty inhaler can't cure...

although this one appears to be empty.

That's funny. I could have
sworn I packed a backup.

What's the holdup here, mountaineers?

Mr. O'Neill can't find his inhaler.

Just... need... rest.

Uh-oh, teacher down.

Now we'll have to turn back. Darn.

No one's turning back.

I need those summit celebration sh*ts to
really grab those Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide

Inc. execs by the hacky sacks! Someone
will just have to short-rope Mr. O'Neill.

As God is my witness,

I will never pull a man's weight again!

Come on, Skinny.

This is it?

For $ and change you'd think they'd
at least throw in a lousy radio.

Jake, the whole purpose of this trip is to
deepen our relationship without distractions

no radio, no children, no
television, no cell phone...

my God, what have I
done? What have I done?!

Hey, look, Helen. A bearskin rug.

Bearskin? Me-ow!

Money, that's corporate.
Sponsorship, that's money.

Weren't we supposed to
be at the campsite by now?

Yeah, but something tells me things
aren't going exactly as planned.

Please, no one offer to help! I'd hate to
take any pressure off of my slipped disc!

Gee, whatever gave you that idea?

Don't worry, girls.

We'll have no problem reaching base camp before
dark, as long as there are no more surprises.

Surprise.

, , ... okay, we're missing one.

Look around: who's
not here who should be?

Someone with enough common sense to
turn back while there was still time?

Yeah, where is that guy?

What's that?

Barch here says O'Neill went back to
the buses to look for his inhaler...

...abandoning her after all she's done for him, just like... ...every
other lousy man she's ever known. "Men!" "I hate their stinking guts!

The fool! He'll never make
it down in his condition.

I'm going after him.

Wow, that's kind of heroic.

He's got her video camera.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, check it out: snow angel!

You might want to wait until there's
a little more snow on the ground.

Mr. DeMartino, considering the low visibility,
shouldn't we have a buddy system or something?

I had a buddy once, until I came home
one night and he married my mother!

Do we want to hear
anymore of this story?

March, fast!

DeMartino... out finding
firewood. Get supplies unpacked.

Remember, teamwork...

Is that... sleeping bag? Mine!

Is it bad if I can't feel my feet?

That depends. How much
do you enjoy walking?

Babe, I just want you to know that I'm
not mad anymore that you didn't thank me.

You wanted me to thank you for this?

Eww! But, no... I meant for the flowers.

All right, let's get these supply bags open
and start distributing blankets, food and...

...pink ostrich feather earmuffs?

Oh, great! I was
wondering where those were.

Weren't you guys supposed to
be carrying the supply bags?

Yeah...

So where are they?

Back at the buses, maybe?

Probably.

Definitely.

What?

Well, this is interesting.

We're isolated in a freak storm with no supplies
and no way of contacting the outside world.

Hey, honey, look what
I made! A snow turkey!

Very... abstract, dear.

Damn it! Now I have to
start all over again.

Quinn, by causing the supplies to be left
behind, you violated the Fashion Club oath.

I didn't know there
was a Fashion Club oath.

Yeah, me either

Oath?

Oh, yes. "To promote a healthy glow by never allowing other
members to be deprived of skin-enhancing water reserves."

I'm afraid I have to call a
vote on your standing, Quinn.

I say she gets voted out of the Fashion Club and seeks
her revenge from a book depository with a crossbow.

All right, sport. You and Mack here are
going out as search party number one!

Cool, a party?

This isn't going to be a party, Kevin!

You're going out into that driving, blinding, flesh-tearing
ice storm to look for Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill. Got it?

All right!

But even if they do find Ms. Li and Mr.
O'Neill, what are we going to do about food?

That's where search party two comes in.

I'm going out in the storm
myself, looking for help.

The rest of you conserve your energy.

Do as little as possible.
Pretend you're in class!

You know, if this storm doesn't let up,
it could take days for help to arrive.

Well, when everybody gets hungry enough, it'll
be interesting to see who gets eaten first.

But on the downside, we'll
have to wait here with them.

Good point. Hey, Mr. DeMartino, we'd
like to volunteer to go with you.

As much as I appreciate your kind,
if foolhardy offer, I have to decline.

It's too dangerous out there. Once you walk
out those doors, you may not be coming back.

Okay, then we're all on the same page.

Very well, but dress for survival.

Well, I was going to dress
for perishing, but okay.

Hey, Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out
on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?

Whatever. I've got my own problems.

Please stop the sisterly tears
of concern. You're making a scene.

Look, can you please stop talking to me?

If the Fashion Club sees this I'll
be like one of those baby birds

that gets put back in the nest but the mother knows it's
been touched by a human and pecks it to death, understand?

Sure. You're a birdbrain.

Okay, team, no matter what happens, stick
by my side. That's crucial, understand?

Yes.

Okay, quick assessment of our situation:

we're lost in a blizzard with no equipment
and no leadership, and if we don't get help,

we'll probably have to drag back
the body of our history teacher.

When you put it that way
you make it sound bad.

Then let me rephrase:
what started out as a grim,

life-negating field trip has turned into
a grim, life-negating gape into the void.

With our luck, we'll probably be reincarnated and have
to do high school all over again from the beginning.

That does it; let's find those buses.

Does anyone want to borrow my
sunscreen lip gloss? I've got plenty!

Forget it, Quinn. We're not letting you back
in the Fashion Club. We have bylaws, you know

We...

But I told you,

it's not my fault the supplies
got left behind for my bags.

You didn't have to bring
so much stuff, Quinn.

It's almost like you were
trying to hog the spotlight.

What?! That is so not true.

I wanted to share all my
Hot-I-Rondack stuff with you guys.

Here, Stacy, take this
camouflage yak fur canteen.

And Tiffany, this metallic utility belt with
detachable emergency food kit is for you.

And Sandi, I wanted to surprise you with
this Titanic edition Chenille Gorp bag.

Wait a minute, you brought
food and water? We're saved!

Um, where is the food and water?

Well, I was going to bring it
along but it just got so bulky.

I'm sorry I've doomed us
to a lingering death, Sandi.

Oh, well. Can I have your
ostrich feather earmuffs, too?

Sure.

Welcome back, Quinn.

No whistling! We're
supposed to be bonding!

Oh, right...

Jake!

Sorry!

Mr. DeMartino! What are you doing here?

Need... phone!

I'm sorry, we don't have a phone.

Or a radio...

Or a television. Have a seat.

Get comfy.

How about a game of charades?

Need... help!

You'll do fine. Everybody
knows how to play charades.

You go first, Mr. DeMartino.

But... I...

Uh, uh, uh! No speaking!

That's rule number one.

Is it a book? A TV show?

I think this could really be it!

What are you talking about? Just
keep walking. We'll find our way.

I don't know, Daria. This is bad.

Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all
that crap about your boyfriend.

Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all
those times in front of my brother.

I feel like we should say more.

I know. That was kind of pathetic.

Um... I'm sorry my parents
didn't stop at one child.

I'm sorry they added those
ugly blue M&M's. Better?

I've made my peace.

Ms. Li?

What are you doing here, Mr. MacKenzie?
We're miles from the bunkhouse.

Mr. DeMartino sent me
and Kevin out to find you.

And where is Kevin?

Um...

Never mind.

I think Mr. O'Neill may be in
this cave. Let's investigate.

Um, all right, but I hope he
didn't make any other flags.

Hello... Timothy O'Neill here.

If you are watching these last words,

then you'll know that I'm gone
and you've found this camera.

Well, you already know that
you found the camera, obviously,

or how would you have the tape?

Actually, if you found the camera, you must have
found me. Unless you recovered the camera from looters,

although I must say, it's a pretty
heinous thing to steal from a frozen man.

Although, come to think of it, it's
not actually all that cold anymore.

And the snow got rid of the pollen.
You know, I feel pretty good!

O'Neill, you're wasting
expensive videotape!

Oh, dear.

Now, put these on and let's go!

So this didn't work out so bad. We managed to
survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip.

Plus, you got that thing off
your chest about the blue M&M's.

Do you think we should feel guilty about
leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?

Who?

Now, if my calculations are correct, the parking
lot is just around this clump of trees here.

"The Good Ship Lollipop!"
Yeah, that's it!

No, wait! "Popeye the
Sailor Man!" Toot, toot!

What's that for?

Hush money.

How was the field trip after the snow
stopped? Did you girls learn anything?

I learned that sometimes being too
well-dressed can work against you.

Who would have thought that one's
fashion sense could have a dark side?

The normally life-affirming
act of choosing an outfit...

Yes, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?

I came to the realization that,

given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow
students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard,

it's blizzard 'ho for me.

Good for you, kiddo!

Jake!

Wow. After all that quality time,

you two are working together like
a well-oiled intimacy machine.

Say, girls, when we get home, who's
up for a game of family charades?

I'm not sitting next to Kevin.

I don't care how hard he
begs. Why isn't he begging?

Um...

Uh, Mr. D? Mr. O? Come out,
everyone! Um, Q.B. in distress!