04x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

Well, students... I certainly appreciate
your help in cleaning out the classroom

for the summer. It almost makes me forget
that most of you didn't learn a thing

all year!

That's not true. I learned
to sleep sitting up.

Mr. D., as Q.B., I
think I can speak for...

Careful with that map, Kevin!

Eep!

Now... without turning around. Did you
want to dangle a morsel of hope before me

by announcing you're doing something
constructive this summer, like partaking in

much-needed remedial classes
or some sort of vocation?

I'm not going on vacation. Me and
Britt are going to be lifeguards.

No turning, Kevin!

Urk!

Do not turn until...
did you say lifeguards?

It'll be really easy 'cause I already
know how to use... oops! Um, a bullhorn?

Augh... argh! Why couldn't I have been
born during an influenza epidemic? Or at

the base of a volcano? Why did I survive,
grow tall and strong, only to squander

all my potential by becoming
a teacher?! Argh... !

When he would have made such a
wonderful motivational speaker.

Now remember, the P-STATs are a good
"dry run" for your college boards. If you

got , points or better, kudos!
You'll have a wide and exciting choice of

colleges. And for those with less, uh,
robust scores, there are still wonderful

opportunities in the
food services sector.

Hmm... .

... .

.

. I guess we're all of
comparable intelligence.

Yeah... comparable.

All right, have a rewarding and growth-filled
summer, everyone. And by the way,

we still have openings for counselors at
the Okay to Cry Corral, my day camp for

sensitive children and those who'd
like to be. It's going to be wonderful.

I hope... some of... um... all right,
then. I'll miss you all, too. Quinn, you'd

like to join the roundup at the Okay
to Cry Corral and make a difference in a

child's life?

Why would I want to do that? I
just, um, need to ask you something.

Problems at home? Is it your mother?
She seems awfully stressed. Has she been

acting out on you?

It's about my test score.

Oh...

Um, let's say you got a certain score
on a test, and it wasn't terrible, but

some other people got almost the same
score, people you really thought you could

do better than, although for personal
reasons you'd rather not name them or say why?

Um... what?

Okay, forget everything I just said.
Let's try this. Can I get into Pepperhill

with a ?

? Oh, dear. Well, let's see.

Pepperhill University. It is known more
for its wide range of social activities

than for academics, but... ah! Uh-oh.
I'm afraid to get into Pepperhill you'll

need a combined score of at least , .

But that's not fair! I didn't have time
to study with my Fashion Club duties.

Don't extracurricular
activities count for anything?

Hmm. You think you might have done better
if you'd studied? Who were those other

people you mentioned?

I told you to forget them.

Eep! Of course you did. Well, Quinn, if
you think studying would help, I say go

for it! Take this summer to cr*ck the
books. Hire a tutor. Put your nose to the

proverbial grindstone.

What's wrong with my nose?

I think I'm finally finding out
what it feels like to be a Lane.

That can't be, since it's only
afternoon and you're already out of bed.

I mean the lack of tiresome parental
involvement. Mine have been so busy they've

completely forgotten to force me into
some dumb summer activity. I'm turning

into you.

Well, you've got so much else of mine,
you might as well have my identity.

Hey... !

Take a joke, Daria. Anyway, que ironico.
You don't have summer plans, I do.

Ironico's not a word.

This old commune-mate of my mother's runs
an artists' colony. I've been accepted

into their summer program.

That's great...

That sounds sincere.

Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to jinx it. Two months of
painting and sculpting my heart out in a

college town in the middle of
nowhere. Starting this weekend.

Does this college town have a name, or do you
just turn left at the kid with the tractor?

Cheer up, Daria. Without me around,
you'll have that much more time for your

budding social life.

This college book said you need a score
of , and a B-minus average to get

into Pepperhill.

God, we're only flesh and blood.

Stacy... eww.

Sorry.

So we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere that
appreciates our specialness and individuality.

But I'm sure I can do
better on those tests.

You can do better?

We. Did I say me? We.

Gee, Quinn, I'm glad you think you're
so much smarter than the rest of us, but

you're worried about nothing. We have
plenty of time to pull up our test scores

next year.

Yeah! No sweat.

Stacy... eww.

Sorry.

More waffles, Dad? I found
an extra stick of butter.

No thanks... the old diet, you know.
May second? Hey! It's June! These waffles

have expired!

Relax, Jake. That's a sell-by date. They've
been frozen since then. They're fine.

Easy for you to say. You didn't
just eat four poisoned waffles!

Mom's right. Besides, if you had food
poisoning you'd be developing a very mild

stomachache by now.

A mild stomachache? I
think I have one, damn it!

Jake, can't you ever
tell when anyone's joking?

Of course I can. Um... you're
not doing it now, are you?

It's June?! Oh, my gosh, Daria,
what are you doing this summer?

I was wondering when you'd ask,
but don't worry. I have a job.

Good for you, kiddo.

I see... and what exactly is this job?

I'm sorry, but the confidentiality
agreement I signed with the government

prevents me from revealing
that. I've already said too much.

Wow! I mean, wow, what a funny joke.

Daria, I'm serious. I'm not going to
let you sit around the house all summer.

Fine. I'll lie around
the house all summer.

Quinn, what are your
plans for the summer?

All right, I admit it! My
P-STAT scores were a little low.

What?

Sandi said we have plenty of
time to catch up next year.

What about all the new things
you'll have to learn then?

Yeah. The second half of the alphabet
is even harder than the first.

Oh, great. So you think I should get a
tutor, too. Aren't there, like, any TV

shows I can watch?

Good idea. You wouldn't want to
flunk the essay section on Matlock.

Ha! Matlock.

Well, if you don't want a tutor, then...

Fine! A tutor it is.

Just make it out to me ... Brittany!

Gee... thanks for clearing that up.

You're welcome! What are
you guys doing this summer?

Two internships, volunteer community
service, a part-time job and, in my spare

time, golf lessons.

Wow! What about you, Mack Daddy?

Driving an ice-cream truck.

That's not very prestidigitatious.

Thanks for pointing that out.

You're welcome.

Mack owes his father some money and I
think it's very conscientious of him to

take that job and pay him back.

Yeah. He gets the money,
I get the humiliation.

Mack, it'll be fine.

Wait... isn't golf for
old people who dress funny?

Yeah ... my parents. They're trying to
get into Winged Tree Country Club and they

want me to learn how to play.

Hey, do you get to wear one of those
little hats and ring that bell that goes

ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling?
A-ling?

So I told my parents, all right, I'll
go with you on your little trip to

Bermuda, but don't expect me to
take part in any family luaus.

But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus?

Gee, Quinn, that's exactly what my mother
said. Maybe you should go with them.

What are you doing this summer, Quinn?

Oh, nothing special. See some movies,
catch up on my dating... get a tutor.

A tutor?

Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry.

Really...

I know. It's terrible. But my mother's
making me. Um, you guys will keep it to

yourselves, won't you?

Of course.

You can trust us.

You have our word...

You guys are the best!

I think we should talk.

Okay. We are now talking.

About the Tom thing.

That I don't want to talk about.

If you're still upset about it, we should
deal with it now. Especially since we

won't be seeing each other all summer.

You don't get it, do you? I don't want
to talk about it. I don't want to think

about it. I told you, I'm not mad at you
about Tom. Now let it freaking go, okay?

Can I at least take you out for a good-luck
pizza before you leave for your big

art adventure?

Daria, I said let it go.

Jake, put the paper down. That boy
Daria's been dating is on his way over.

You mean Quinn's been dating.

No, Daria.

Oh! Good one, honey. Old Jake
Morgendorffer sure appreciates a funny joke.

Jake, will you listen to me, please?
Daria's been out with this Tom several

times and we're finally going to meet
him, and I want to make sure we have our

game plan together.

Wait, I remember now. The
guy without any vocal cords.

I want you to stay cool and relaxed and
not embarrass her by getting all nervous

and crazy.

Daria said he communicates by blinking.
Now was it one blink for yes or one

blink for no?

Jake, she was joking!

I know! Ha-ha-ha-ha... !
Now, what's the game plan?

The game plan is, you don't say a word.

So he won't feel self-conscious
about the vocal cords, right?

Oh... !

Hello! You must be Tom.

I...

I'm Helen Morgendorffer.

Glad to...

Won't you come in?

I'd...

Great!

We've heard so much about you, Tom.

Really?

Um, well, actually...

Hey there, young man!
Jake Morgendorffer.

Hi, I'm Tom Sloane.

Sloane? Not the same Sloane
as in Grace, Sloane and Page?

Well, that's my dad, so I guess...

Grace, Sloane and Page?! Hey, sign me
up for a little of that insider trading.

Little joke, of course. Class firm
like your father's would never, uh,

mmm... Say, you know, my vocal
cords hurt. I'd better go gargle.

Sorry about that. They've been acting a
little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.

Pizza?

Okay.

What's this?

My new car. Well, my
grandmother's old one.

Did you want this car?

Well, yeah, after my parents had my old
one towed away in the middle of the night.

Note to self: leave
Quinn out on curb tonight.

Oh, hi, Daria!

Um, hello.

Hey, Daria, I didn't
know you had a brother.

What?

Jane's going out with your brother? Wow!

What?

You're Tom, right? Jane's boyfriend?

Well, I'm Tom, but...

How long have you and Daria been brothers?
I mean, how long has Daria been your

brother? Wait a minute, uh...

Actually...

Um, listen, it's been great talking and
all, but we've got to get back to the

Rent-a-Brother shop before they
charge us for an extra day. Bye.

You know what, babe? I don't
think he's her brother at all.

What's the matter?

I can't do this. I can't spend the
evening in there explaining to people that

no, you're not my brother, and no, you're
not Jane's boyfriend, you're actually

my, uh...

Yes?

Guy I'm dating.

Okay. I understand. I know, let's bag the
pizza place and go to my parents' club.

You're not much for crafty
strategizing, are you?

Nobody knows you there. Besides, they
charge my folks for meals whether they eat

them or not, so we might as
well get their money's worth.

Tom, as much as I'd like to help
your family in their time of need...

Do they have cheddar fries?

Think you'll come visit me while I'm
working in my father's office this month?

You can help me file earnings reports.

Oh, sure, that old line. Boy, you can
really smell the mold on the old money in

here, can't you?

Better on the money than
on the food. Uh-oh...

Someone pull out a new twenty?

Mom, Dad... Elsie.

Daria, this is my mother and
father and my sister, Elsie.

Hi Daria.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

I just spoke with Aunt Mildred. She's
made a lot of improvements on the house.

She had the screen door fixed.

We always spend August at the cove with my
great Aunt Mildred. It's kind of a tradition.

In other words, we don't have a choice.

Elsie!

How about you, Daria? I'll bet you have
something fun planned for the summer.

Um...

Actually, Daria's just going to relax.
She's earned it ... she made high honor

roll all three trimesters.

Fielding doesn't have trimesters.

I go to Lawndale High.

Oh. Well, high honor roll is
an achievement at any school.

Actually, at ours it just means you
managed to stay out of prison all year.

Sorry about the family onslaught.

No big deal. Your parents had to
find out you were dating me sometime.

Does that bother you? That
I hadn't told them about you?

No.

Daria, I never tell them
about anyone I'm dating.

Now I really feel special.

Well, you should. Because I like you.

Thanks. Um, I'd better be going.

Hold on. I want to ask you... do you,
you know... feel the same way about me?

Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye.

Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?

I don't know. Is this
the ninth circle of Hell?

The Divine Comedy.

Wait a minute, you know that? All right.
Who are you and what do you want with

my sister?

I'm here to tutor her.

Seriously.

Quinn, your tutor's here! David, hi.
Helen Morgendorffer. Don't mind Daria.

Unemployment does strange
things to one's mind.

Eric tells me you've worked
wonders with his niece.

Jasmine's been doing very well. Of
course, it makes my job easier to have the

support of involved parents.

Yes. Quinn!

I see here that you took European
History last year. I guess there's no need

repeating that.

Oh, yeah. Napoleon,
Waterworld, the A La Carta.

Hmm... "revisit European history." Moving
on to literature. I want you to check

off all the books you've read. No point in
assigning Ethan Frome or Silas Marner again.

What did they write?

Uh... okay. How's this for an idea? You
tell me which are your best subjects.

Well, let's see... I have
an unerring color sense.

I got a postcard from your mother.
Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.

Can you believe there are some people
who wouldn't want to go there in July?

I know... here we are.

I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its
place, but now it just looks like so much

black-velvet junk
at the swap-meet.

That's not fair. You can't evaluate the
work outside the context of its time.

You can if it's good.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet your new
housemate, Jane. Jane... Caroline, Jett,

Anais, and Paris.

Hey.

Enjoy. I'll see you later.

Thanks.

Nice haircut.

Thanks, I...

Anyway, color is not something you just
fling around like a dog marking its territory.

Kevvy! You look so cute.

And you look hot.

And your muscles, they're so ripply.

Aw, babe.

Hey! You guys are supposed
to be watching the pool!

What about this arm? Is it ripply, too?

Ooh... let me see how ripply. Oh...

Can't talk... top secret mission.

Well, complete your mission soon because
I'm sending you on another one. Mr.

O'Neill called looking for day
camp volunteers and I signed you up.

You didn't.

You start Monday. I'm sorry, but you're not
staying locked up in your room all summer.

So instead, you're going to lock me up
with a busload of whiny kids and the poor

man's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You
know what they say. "Judge and be judged."

And I judge myself
unfit for human contact.

That's exactly what you will be if you
don't start engaging with the rest of us.

You keep hiding your real face behind
that antisocial mask and one day the mask

will be your face. I'm not letting that
happen. You're working at that camp.

What about my feelings? What about
my rights? What about my bribe?

But Stacy, how can I possibly decide if
you should wear your chocolate brown or

beige brown headband if you haven't
picked out your eyeliner? Beige brown, bye.

Sorry.

Okay. As I was saying, people in
the Middle Ages were in constant...

God, we're still in the Middle Ages? I
mean, things were so depressing then, and

everyone was so short. Sandi, hi. I'm
kind of bus... she wore under-the-knee

knee socks? No!

Hang on a second. Where are you going?

Far, far away.

Sandi, I'll call you right back. Okay.
So we were talking about short people.

No, you were talking
about sock length. See ya.

But you can't go! I
haven't learned anything!

Gee, and how do you propose to do that
when you're on the phone through the

whole session?

But they call, David, they call!

Look, you seem bright enough, but I just
can't sit here and listen to any more

vacuous prattle with your brain-dead
friends. Eyeliner, headband colors... God,

are you boring.

I'm not boring! I'm popular!

Hey, the only reason you're popular is
your looks, and those won't last forever.

You have nothing interesting to say and
no intellectual curiosity whatsoever. Do

the world a favor and don't go to
college. Give up your spot to somebody who

wants to learn.

But... you just said I was bright!

So what? It doesn't matter, if you're
hell-bent on achieving complete brain

atrophy before you're
old enough to vote.

I'm not!

Do you even know what atrophy means?

David, my friends and I all got
practically the same scores on our P-STATs.

So?

So they were bad. And I know I can do
better. It's not like I care or anything,

it's just that I know I can.

It's not like you care? It's not like
you want to do better? Then why the hell

am I here?

All right. I care. I want to do better.

Okay, then... the Middle Ages.

"With a knickknack, gentle pat, give the
dog a bone, this young person helps out

at home."

Now just the counselors. "This young
person, he played... " Oh, dear.

Greetings, and welcome to the Okay
to Cry Corral. I'm Uncle Timothy, and

together, we're going to take a journey
to the land of self-discovery. A land

where it's okay to laugh,
and it's okay... to cry.

I feel like doing that now.

And now, I'd like my co-counselors, Daria
and Uncle Anthony, to say a few words

about what they hope to accomplish here.

After you, Daria.

Thanks, Uncle Anthony. My goal
is to get out of this unscathed.

I'm hoping to rediscover the joys and
satisfactions of teaching, and the motives

that led me to pursue such a thankless...
I mean, rewarding profession in the

first place. At least that's what my
doctor says I need to do before I incur a

cerebral hemorrhage!

Uncle Anthony... I mean, what
are your goals for the campers?

Oh. Um... "To help make this a pleasurable
experience for all. Let's learn to

love ourselves together."

Okay. Let's divide into three groups,
shall we? One, two, three. Daria, you take

group one.

Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like
to say anything before we get started?

How come you're so pale?

Why do you bite your nails?

Do you ever smile?

Um, how about you? Would
you like to say anything?

Is it fall yet?

When I unveiled "Paper Plate Genocide"
in , it was hailed as intriguing,

provocative, even brilliant.
And not just by me.

No, we all know critics tend to get
carried away. But what was I thinking when

I created a work that seems to have
turned out both seminal and semiotic?

"I can't believe I'm
getting away with this?"

Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?

Please... Paris, isn't
it? Call me Daniel.

Daniel. I just want to say, I think you're
the greatest living artist of our time.

"And not just because I have no taste."

I was wondering, where do
you get your inspiration?

"My alimony bills."

I don't sit around and wait for inspiration.
I grab it ... in the glint of the

sun on a frozen peak... in the pain of
an arthritic's hobble... in a lover's

whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say,
my inspiration comes from life itself.

Wow.

Well, that's enough of the old windbag's
ramblings for today. We'll pick up here tomorrow.

Hi. I'm Alison.

Jane.

Our Mr. Dotson's really
something, isn't he?

Well, he certainly doesn't let substance
get in the way of self-congratulatory yap.

At least we'll never have to worry about
him intimidating us with his talent.

I want an Astro-Pop!

Hang on.

Ring the bell!

Give me a fudge bar!

Just a second.

The flavor went out of my sno-cone!

You suck!

Yeah, you suck!

Yeah?

Sounds like you're having
as good a day as I am.

Well, things are looking up
now. Want to do something later?

I can't. I'm gonna be stuffing envelopes
all night. But I'll see you at my

family's Fourth of July party, right?

Right. Unless I... shove an ice cream
scooper down someone's throat first!

Are drug-crazed rodents raiding
your child's medicine cabinet?

"Rats on Ritalin,"
next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey. Maybe you should get some
of that for the little campers.

Ritalin or the rats?

Hello, Daria. It's
nice to see you again.

Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloane. Hi, Elsie.

Elsie, why don't you show Tom and
Daria the dress Richard made you for the

Starry Night Ball?

Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.

Daria, is there any way I can change your
mind about going? Then you and I could

g*ng up and convince Tom.

Um...

Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Mom's on
the board of the Lawndale Art Museum.

They're holding a benefit to
raise money for a new wet bar.

A new gallery. It
should be a lot of fun.

Um, sounds like it.

If you like watching
ice sculptures melt.

Actually, these things are excruciatingly
dull and stuffy, and I told her

there's no way we're going.

Well, um, I guess that's right.

You wouldn't want to compromise
your quasi-rebelliousness.

I hope Richard left enough room in
that dress for your faux jadedness.

Children! You know, Daria, this event is
not members-only. I'd love to send your

parents an invitation if you
think they'd be interested.

Um... thanks.

Are you going to blow off
fireworks at the club, too?

Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already
told... promised Daria I'd go with her to

her friend's Fourth of July party.

Daria, what can we do to
get into your good graces?

Now, I want each of you to think of
the blue lanyard as representing how you

feel on the inside, and the green as
how you present yourself on the outside.

Picture...

It's a hundred degrees! Can't
we go for a swim in the lake?

Yeah... lake!

Now, Kristin... do we really want to
risk exposure to algae blooms? Maybe some

other time, when it's
not quite as warm out.

The blue strand represents the gnawing
feeling of failure growing with each

wasted year. The green represents
the ulcer you're developing from the

unrelenting indignities you suffer. Take
the blue and cross it under... I mean,

over the loop and then through the
frustration... argh... ! Lanyards suck!

So continue threading the blue with the
green until you've finished. Or can't

take the tedium anymore.

Hey, Link. Need some help?

Nope. All done.

Hey, Quinn, can I get you a soda?

How about a lemon for your soda?

How about a Kn*fe for your lemon?

Um, okay.

Gee, Quinn... I'm surprised you're
not at the planetarium with the jet

propulsion club, what
with all your tutoring.

Sandi, shh. I'm trying to keep
that a little quiet, remember?

Say no more. As your friend and fellow
Fashion Club officer, I give you my

solemn word that your
secret is safe with me.

Thanks, Sandi.

I will never tell a soul that you,
Quinn Morgendorffer, are seeing a tutor.

Quinn... you're seeing a tutor?

Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't
see them sneaking up behind you.

Um, yeah... I'm being tutored
because of my P-STAT scores.

That's cool.

Hey, yeah.

Awesome.

Really?

Hey, next year could you
help me with my homework?

No, me! I'm stupider than he is.

I can barely spell my own name.

Gee, I didn't realize being tutored
provides you with an opportunity to help

others. Maybe I should get a tutor.

Yeah... me, too.

Oh, God, I think I need one, too.

Jodie, what have you
been up to this summer?

Soup kitchen, crisis center, Congressman
Sack's office, fund raising, golf lessons.

Isn't she something?

Oh, yes. And Michael, is it?
What are you doing this summer?

Driving an ice cream truck.

Oh.

Hey, there's Daria with that guy who
claims to be her brother. I'm going to trap

him in his own web of lies.

Oh, Kevin, you're so... spidery!

It's been a lovely evening, but I think
I'm ready to go home now. But first, a

word from the village idiots.

Hi, Daria! Hi, Tom!

Hey.

Hi.

Say there, um, Tom. If you're Daria's
brother, how come we never saw you before

this year?

That should be obvious. They weren't
able to match up our telltale birthmarks

until now.

Oh. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I have something to tell you
two. Tom's not my brother.

Aha!

He's the mad scientist who built me. He
has to hang around in case my internal

organs fall out.

Eww... !

I'm her date.

Good one, man.

Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But
how can you be dating Jane and Daria?

Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.

Oh. Oh! Daria!

Um, will you excuse us for a while? We'll
be back right after man walks on the sun.

Wow... Daria's dating her
best friend's boyfriend.

So then, whose brother is he?

Hey, Daria. Thanks for coming. Tom
Sloane, right? Jane's boyfriend?

Actually, we're just friends now.

Oh, that's too bad. You guys were a cute
couple. Any chance for a reconciliation?

Um, Jodie... Hell's frozen
over and Tom's here with me.

What? I mean... it didn't occur to me
that, um... you know... Dad! You remember

Daria Morgendorffer.
And this is Tom Sloane.

Sloane? You're not
Angier's boy, are you?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Great guy. And how's your
lovely mother, Katherine?

You know my mother?

I just had the pleasure. We're up for
membership at Winged Tree and she's on the

board. Forget politics. That's power.

I can't believe I let
you talk me into this.

You can't eat in your room forever. Why
go to an artists' colony if you're not

going to mingle with
your fellow artists?

That's like saying why go to a penal
colony if you're not going to mingle with

your fellow... I think I'll stop there.

Come on, I know they'll warm up
to you if you give them a chance.

Um, are we by any chance conversing
across parallel dimensions?

I'll bet you dinner I'm right.

You're on, sucker.

Mind if we join you?

Not at all.

How's everyone liking the colony so far?

I love it. It's so... freeing.

And Daniel? That man is brilliant. He
said my white-on-white painting was a

stroke of inspiration.

I'll bet you two have explored
all sorts of strokes together.

Oh well, I suppose genius
does have its prerogatives.

Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius.

No offense, Jane, but aren't you still
in high school? How much can you know

about art at this point?

Excuse me?

Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio
to be accepted here. I'd say Jane knows

quite a bit about art.

I'm sure you're right. I
apologize. Are you guys ready to go?

Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's
save time and just roll around on gravel.

Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.

You owe me dinner.

"Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using
good hygiene, up and down and up and down

and floss until they gleam." Everybody!

"Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using
good hygiene, up and down and up and

down, floss until they gleam."

Remember, don't think about what you're
doing, because I don't really want a

painting from you. I want a
painting from the child within.

It's so pretty out. Can't
we go for a hike? Please?

Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very
caring counselor if I let you run

higgledy-piggledy through the poison ivy
and ticks. One day there'll be time to

explore the woods, after
we explore ourselves.

Well, well, Josh. What have we here?
A football player? May I inquire why?

My child within wants to be a winner.
Everyone knows football players are winners.

I see. Obviously, your definition of
a winner is a degenerate slacker with

pigskin for brains, an unshakable desire
to sleep through class, and a lifetime

goal of excelling at arm noise contests
while never, ever doing any honest work

of any kind! Is that right?!

Oh, my gosh. Anthony, what happened?

I, uh... Timothy, I think I may
have spoken too harshly to a camper.

Oh, no. Was he traumatized?

I'm no good at working with young people!
Why, oh, why did I ever think I could?

Josh is the worst bully at camp.

I hate his child within.

Hooray for Uncle Anthony!

Oh... thank you, campers!

Okay, let's talk about the rise and
fall of the Roman Empire. In B.C.,

Romulus and Remus...

Um, excuse me, is this going to take
long? I still have a few accessories left

to buy for my date tonight.

Well, look. Rome wasn't built in
a day, if you know what I mean.

Good one. Might I suggest then that
we finish this session at Cashman's?

Sandi, if you're not going
to take this seriously...

Are you implying that I can't shop and
give you my attention? Because I don't

think that's the sort of confidence-building
a tutor is supposed to provide his student.

We're not going to the mall.

You academics aren't very understanding
of the pressures facing normal people.

Nevertheless, if we leave
now, I'll buy you a sno-cone.

Forget it. I quit.

Geek.

Steinbeck was perhaps best known for
his poignant novel about the "Okies"...

Uh-huh...

A heavy metal band famous
for having a baboon on bass.

Uh-huh...

Uh, why'd you do that?

Because I'm not here to
watch you put on makeup.

But... I don't mind.

Well, I do. Now, if you did your reading,
you'll recall that Steinbeck was...

what are you doing?

This toaster's really shiny.

Later.

Huh?

During the Reconstruction, Southerners
complained that the newly installed

government officials were
nothing more than carpetbaggers.

They were making fun of their butts?
Wait, that would be saddlebaggers...

Oh, no... that's the look my mother always
gets when I say something stupid. I'm

such an idiot. I'll never
get anywhere in life!

At least you're trying. Unlike Sandi and
Tiffany, whom I had to drop. Now, the carpet...

Wait ... you dropped them?

Yup. The carpetbaggers...

Why didn't they tell me? I'm being shut
out. I can't believe this is happening

to me. I knew this was going to happen to
me. Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?

Congressman Sack's office.
Hey! How's it going?

Terrible. You want to
go to a movie Saturday?

I have to pull a double
shift at the crisis center.

You know, I never see you anymore.

I know, but look at it this way. I'm
wasting away the summer stuck inside all

day. At least you get to drive around
in your nice white suit ringing your

little bells.

Hey, you think it's funny
that I have to do this?!

Who said it was funny? I got to
get this. I'll talk to you later.

We want ice cream!

Yeah... later.

Daria! It's that Tom!

Hello?

Hey, it's me. I was wondering
what you're doing tonight.

Actually, I'm... not feeling that well.

Still? Then can I bring you a bowl of
soup? I'll even throw in a couple of

goldfish crackers. Or real
goldfish, if you prefer.

Thanks, but I'm kind of
b*at. I think I'll pass.

Daria... is everything all right?

Never better. I mean,
except for this cold.

You know I'm leaving for the cove in a
week, right? I won't see you for a month.

I know. Um, a month's not that long.

All right. Call me if you
feel like getting out, okay?

Sure.

Link, I asked you to stop by because I've
noticed you seem a little bit... subdued.

I was gonna say miserable, but okay.

Growing up is kind of like being a kite,
isn't it? We want to fly, but we don't

really trust ourselves to cut the
parental string and soar with the birds.

A kite doesn't fly if you cut its
string. It blows around in the wind for a

while and then crashes.

Exactly. Just the way we...

You might know that if
you ever took us outside.

Oh, well, I...

What do you know? 'Cause it seems to me
you spout out a lot of crap about loving

ourselves, and that doesn't do any good
to someone trying to figure out why his

mother threw his father out for being a
jerk and then went and married a bigger one.

Oh, well, that certainly sounds
like something we can talk about...

I don't want to talk about it. I want
to go to a real camp where you run around

all day doing stuff until you're too tired
to think. Can we do that, "Uncle Timothy"?

Well, you see, Link, much as I'd like
to, we have to keep the other children's

safety in mind.

That's what I thought. You don't really
care about making kids feel better.

Of course I do!

Okay, then I guess the problem
is just that you suck at it.

It'll be okay. That was just
Link's anger with himself talking.

Um, keep up the good work.

Hey, everything okay?

How can you stand this place?!

Um, 'cause I'm one of the
guards instead of the prisoners?

Yeah. Right.

Look, you want to go for a walk?

Outside? That would be dangerous.

Tell you what. I won't say a word. It'll
be just like going by yourself, except

for the by-yourself part.

God, I envy you, Jane. To have all
that talent and focus at your age.

Oh, come on.

I wish I could be in high school
again, knowing what I know now.

A little perspective and you could
sidestep all the t*rture, huh?

No.

Hell, I'd trade places with you in a
minute. You're doing exactly what I want

to. Making it on your own as an artist.

Trying to, anyway.

Hey, you'll do it.

So will you. Little more?

Why not?

You and your future. Me and my
so-called career. I guess we've each got

something the other would love to have.

Daria? How are things at camp? Daria?

Well, let's see. Tomorrow we're going
to push the campers to their physical

limits by having them
make paper doll chains.

Ha! A joke... right?

That's what I keep telling myself.

Hello? Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer.
Kay Sloane? Oh, yes, hello!

It's very nice to speak with you at
last. I'm sorry we haven't met yet.

Oh, yes, I know.

In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling.
We're having a little benefit for the

Lawndale Art Museum we're calling the
Starry Night Ball. Do you think you might

like to attend? We could finally
meet and do our bit for the arts.

The Starry Night Ball? What a
wonderful idea. Without the arts, what

distinguishes us from animals, right?

Well, let's see. Animals don't feel the
need to suck up to wealthier animals.

Wonderful. It's on September eighth,
and tickets are a thousand dollars per

couple. Or you can buy a table for $ , ,
but please don't feel obligated to do that.

Um, did you say the eighth? Oh, dear,
that's the weekend of the office retreat.

Well, I'll check to be sure, but...
yes, I'm sorry. It was nice speaking with

you, too. Good-bye. Whew...

Damn it, Helen, I
want to go to the ball!

Yes, why should your wicked
stepsisters have all the fun?

I mean to hobnob with all those
rich people. Clients... money...

Hobnob?

Jake, the tickets are
a thousand dollars.

A thousand bucks! Insensitive rich
bastards! Don't they know some people have to

work for a living?!

Relax. I think she bought my excuse.

Thank God.

Oh, dear... I hope they
won't think we're cheap now.

Who cares what they think?

What's the matter with you?

It's bad enough the rest of the town
grovels at the Sloanes' feet. Now I have to

put up with it in my own home?

Was I groveling?

Was she joking?

These pastels are great.

Thanks. I wish the
galleries felt the same way.

They're nuts.

I knew you'd get what I'm
trying to do. Top that off?

No, I'd better call it a night. I get
cranky if I don't get my usual hours.

Come on, it's still early. I'm sure we can
find something to do to amuse ourselves.

Well, that's where the whole sleeping
thing factors in. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm exhausted.

I can't let you walk home in your
condition. I'm going to have to insist that

you lie down.

No, really, I'm fine.

I promise not to kick you out of bed in
the morning. Well, unless you're snoring.

Thanks, but I... oh, God.

What's the matter? I'm not your type?

Um, Alison... I'm straight.

Yeah, right. I don't think so.

I'm not gay.

Where have I heard that before? Wait a
minute. Is this your first time with a

girl? Well, no wonder you're nervous.

Alison... read my lips. I like guys.

And hanging out with bisexuals in their
bedrooms after they buy you dinner.

Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And
the dinner thing was settling a bet.

Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry,
baby, but I never hit on straight chicks.

Listen, you've been really nice to me
and all, and I really appreciate it, but

I'm not interested in women.

You mean you're not ready to admit it.

I gotta go.

Eep!

Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.

Kevvy, this is terrible! That icky
pool water is turning my hair green!

Wow, you really do have green
hair. Green hair, green hair!

Kevvy, it's not funny!

Ho-ho-ho! It's the
jolly green babe.

Ooh...

Ho-ho-ho!
Green babe. Ow!

You big jerk!

You two mess up one more
time and you're fired.

Now, everyone hold the hand of the
person next to them while we all visualize

the same word: "trust."

But we've been sitting inside all
day. Can't we go out and play? Please?

Now, Curtis, we're listening to our souls.
It's much easier to hear them indoors.

Uncle Anthony, can't you talk to him?

You're such a great counselor.

Um, Uncle Timothy... perhaps little
Curtis has a point. Maybe frolicking

outdoors would offer a refreshing
counterpoint to sitting in a circle like a

quilting bee of shut-ins!

Anthony, please. You're supposed to be
setting an example. Besides, quilting can

be very therapeutic. Now... oops. Time
for my Echinacea. I'll be back in a

jiffy. Now everyone, hold
hands and feel the warmth.

Peanut butter! Sitting in circles...
stupid songs... arts and crafts...

cruel and unusual... hell!
I can't take it anymore!

I'm going on a hike!

Come on. Even I'll admit
that was mildly amusing.

Whatever.

Look, for what it's worth, when I was
your age, I, um... had this friend who was

kind of like you. The only people she
liked were the ones in books, and she

spent most of her time in her room
convinced the world had been quietly taken

over by a race of idiot space aliens.

And then one day your "friend" grew
out of it and went on to make many more

friends, and now her life
is one big bowl of cherries.

Okay. Bad example. But maybe things
would have been a little easier for my

friend if she hadn't kept everything
bottled up inside. You know, if she'd had

someone to talk to.

Or maybe "she" did try talking, and the
people just told her to shut up, or paid

someone else to deal with her because they
were too busy "listening to their souls."

You think that's
what's happening to you?

Hey, look around, Daria. Everybody's so
busy being their own best friend, maybe

they should try buddying up to the people
they brought into the damn world, who

never asked to be born.

Oh.

So, what books does your
"friend" like to read, anyway?

Well, let's see. When she was ,
she was really into George Orwell...

Daria! Link! Having a
little one-on-one session?

Yes, and so by definition,
it can't include...

Daria, I knew you could do it. See?
It's easier to "rap" with Daria than with

me, isn't it? A teen who's closer to
your own age. But I'm just as concerned as

she is about your well-being.

I should have known.

Hey, wait...

Oh. Did I say something wrong? Oh,
my. What happened to the window? Um...

where'd everybody go?

But when the workers stormed the Bastille,
they only found seven prisoners, and

one of them was the Marquis de Sade.

Eww.

That's more or less the way they felt.

Did Marie Antoinette really have the
champagne glasses molded after her... you know?

We really should be focusing more on the
politics of the Revolution, but that's

what they say. If she'd been a different
body type, we'd be drinking champagne

out of bowls.

David, I must say I'm quite impressed. I've
never seen Quinn have so much fun studying.

That's because in school they only teach
you the really boring stuff. Mom? Dad?

Did you know Marie Antoinette never
said "let them eat cake?" That expression

comes from a story about a
princess, written by Rousseau. Right?

Right.

Lousy tabloids.

We've got to run. Bye.

Wait... um, I was joking.

You were not.

I know.

Was Marie Antoinette pretty?

They said she was a great beauty. Of
course, you won't find a lot of people

willing to call their
absolute monarch butt-ugly.

David, do you think... I'm pretty?

Sure.

By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre?
Because it's really nice if you ever

wanted to take me there. And it would
be kind of educational, since we're

studying French history and stuff.

Thanks, but you don't want to be seen
around town with an egghead. Your friends

would behead you. Well, that's about
it for today. Now, be sure to read the

chapter on the Industrial Revolution,
and don't forget your vocabulary words.

I'll be back for more pedagogy next week.
Quinn? Pedagogy? That's one of the words.

Yeah. Pedagogy.

Excellent. The brushwork is very
confident, and I love the strained, almost

antagonistic relationship with color. Really,
you remind me of myself when I was young.

Oh, Daniel. You're not old.

Well, I'm certainly young... at heart.

Not to mention delusional of mind.

Hey.

Hey.

Haven't seen you around.

Oh, you know, the solitary artist.
Look, I gotta be honest. That whole thing

that happened between ... I mean, didn't
happen ... well, it kind of confused me.

Me, too. Maybe I was hoping a little too
hard and saw something that wasn't there.

But you said you never make
a mistake in that, um... area.

There's a first time for
everything. Still want to be friends?

Sure.

Um, maybe we'll skip the hug.

Uh-oh... don't look now,
but it's Toulouse le Dreck.

Ready?

Just a minute.

I'll wait for you in the car.

You're seeing him?

He's not so bad once
you get to know him.

You said he went through more students
than tubes of paint. You can't possibly

think he gives a damn about you.

Who's looking for romance? I
just want to have a little fun.

And if it's with someone who can introduce
you to a few gallery owners, that's

not so bad either, eh? I think I'm
beginning to see how the art world works.

God, high school. It's all such a big deal
with you guys. You take everything so seriously.

Like someone telling you you give off
gay vibes just because they're trying to

get into your pants.

Well, campers, before you go, let's
take a moment to reflect on the valuable

lessons we've learned about ours...

Let Uncle Anthony talk!

... um, about ourselves and
the growth that only we can...

Uncle Anthony! He's cool!

... um, the personal growth that...

Growth my butt! Uncle Anthony!

Thank you, campers. Remember: if you
feel yourself getting mad, go ahead!

If someone's doing something to irritate
you, tell them about it in detail!

And hike... whenever you feel like it!

I... I guess maybe I've been
doing more harm than good...

Thank you, Timothy. You've reawakened my
hunger to enlighten. I want to teach again!

Ooh... um, that hurts a bit.

Hey, slow down.

Go to hell!

Just hear me out. Mr. O'Neill didn't
ask me to speak to you, and I would never

tell him anything anyway, except
my name, rank and homeroom number.

Yeah, right.

Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing
... probably because I've never done

this kind of thing ... but if you ever
need someone to talk to, um... I'm around.

I don't need anyone to
talk to. Especially you.

Tom! Come in. Daria! Tom's here. Jake
and I are so sorry we won't be able to

make the museum benefit. Normally we
love museums. In fact, we were thinking of

seeing the Van Gogh exhibit this week.

Um, that exhibit left a year ago.

Oh...

Well, at least you can be confident
your mother's not addicted to sedatives.

Hey, she didn't ask to be invited
to that stupid fund-raiser.

My mother was just trying to be nice. A
lot of people like going to those things.

Sure. Helping the little people while
avoiding contact with them at all cost.

Um, is something wrong?

No.

Come on. I had to beg you to come out
tonight, and then the first thing you do

is jump down my throat. What's going on?

I don't know. It's the museum. And the
country club. And your family. You know,

your whole elitist world.

It's not elitist. And it's not my world.

Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow
when you get to your private island.

And be sure not to
mention me to her, okay?

What?

It's obvious you don't want me mixing
with your family, since you didn't ask me

to the fund-raiser or
the fireworks display.

Daria, I didn't invite you to those things
because I sure as hell didn't want to

go and I assumed you
wouldn't either. Right?

Well, you still should have asked.

You're right.

Unless you just assumed your
parents were gonna hate me.

What? What are you talking about? My
parents think you're great. They know

you're really smart and headed for college
and stuff. It's not like you're Jane.

What do you mean, "not like
I'm Jane?" Jane's smart.

Yeah, I know she's smart. But she could
get a Ph.D or spend the rest of her days

painting tiles, and her parents wouldn't
care either way. If we did that, our

parents would have a fit.

So what you're saying is Jane isn't up to
your family's standards. God, you're a snob.

Damn it, Daria! Quit trying
to pick a fight with me!

Excuse me?

You att*ck my mother for inviting your
parents to the fund-raiser, then att*ck

me for not inviting you. You say my family
disapproves of you, I say they relate

to you better than
Jane, and now I'm a snob.

Forgive me for being a loyal friend.

Why don't you say what you're really
afraid of? The idea that you might actually

start caring about someone. 'Cause
that would make you vulnerable.

Look, maybe we just jumped into this
dating stuff too fast. Maybe we need to

take a break.

A break? From what? We haven't
done anything! Come on, Daria!

I don't believe this.

Well, I'm not going
to stand here and beg.

Fine. Nice knowing you.

Yeah, nice knowing you.

Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you to take
time out from your studies to be with the

friends you've neglected all summer.

Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart
as you so I wouldn't need a tutor. You

know, David's kind of funny.

If by funny you mean extraordinarily
unpleasant, I agree completely. That's why

I was forced to terminate his services.

What a geek.

I know! And so... geeky!

But he said...

Yes?

Nothing. I guess David is a little
geeky, although I wouldn't be surprised if

some people thought he was cute,
you know, in that brainy kind of way.

Quinn? Are you trying
to tell us something?

Me? Oh, no, of course not! Ooh,
look! Intermediate markdowns!

Of course I did the right thing. He's
from his world, I'm from mine. Never would

have worked. I mean,
unless I tried or something.

Here's your book.

Um, that's not mine.

Oh, right. I borrowed it from
David. Um, what do you think of him?

Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously
has a high threshold for pain. Why?

No reason. Do you think he's... cute?

Well, I suppose in that
not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.

Yeah...

I know you may find this hard to
believe, but looks aren't everything.

Really?

See, there's this thing called personality?
There's also liking the same things,

having a similar sense of humor, being
able to have five-minute conversations

without boring the living
hell out of each other...

Like you and Tom.

Did I mention Tom?

Well, who else would you be talking
about? You're obviously very compatible.

How would you know?

Daria, up until recently dating
has been my major field of study!

Well, you've never met his family.

You can't judge someone by their family.
I mean what if people judged me by... blech!

Got to go.

That's it. Must... contact...
intelligent... life.

Hey. Call.

Hello?

Hope you don't mind that I called.

Daria!

How are things going?

Fine, fine, fine. Couldn't be better.

Sucks, huh?

Only in a mind-numbingly
pretentious kind of way.

Do you think, um, a familiar
face might cheer you up?

What do you mean? Like floating in space
over the bed, saying my name over and

over again in a creepy voice?

Jane...

Look, I don't really feel like any
visitors right now. It's nothing personal.

Wait...

I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Nothing you could say can change that.

I'll pay you.

Trent was going to drop by on his way to
a gig. Maybe you can hitch a ride. They

can always use an extra person to push.

Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth
regurgitation. Ready, babe?

Ready!

Did you see how I pinched Britt's nose
to, like keep the air from getting out? I

could just stick my fingers
up there, but who knows what...

Oh, Kevvy!

Peep show's over! Everyone
scram! Hey, Romeo and Juliet...

Ow!

You're fired!

Here you go.

It's about time!

I want a fudgy pop!

Hey, I was here first!

Shut up, you jerk!

This is dripping!

What are you doing here?

Oh, Mack, something terrible happened!

It's okay. The sun isn't really gone.
It's just hiding behind the clouds.

No! We got fired!

Trent... does it ever bother you that the
speedometer is stuck at ten miles per hour?

Hmm... ten. That reminds
me. Time for dinner.

Just for the record, the police generally
don't like it when you drive on the

wrong side of the road.

Tell me about it.

No, thanks. Um... how's Jane been doing?

Oh. Okay.

I haven't talked to
her much this summer.

Well, you know. The Tom thing.

Look, we...

Hey, Janey knows you guys didn't mean to
hurt her. She'll come around. Trust me.

Yeah. Thanks, Trent.

"Betrayal, yeah, a s*ab in the back.
Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on the rack.

Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of
the... thrown out of the... "

Pack?

"Thrown out of the pack. Betrayal...
betrayal, yeah. Betrayal... betrayal...

betrayal, yeah... "

... and that's how Randolph Hearst's
yellow journalism helped get the U.S. into

the American-Spanish w*r.

Close enou...

The Spanish-American w*r.

You know, I had my doubts at first...
serious doubts. But you've come a long

way, Quinn. You should
be very proud of yourself.

Thanks. Um, are you proud of me?

Of course. And I want you to drop me a
line at school and let me know how you're

doing in class.

David?

Yes?

Um... I like you.

I like you, too.

No, I mean I "like" like you.

Oh. Look...

I mean, I never thought I could really
"like" like someone who wasn't, you know,

really cute ... not that you're uncute
... but you know what I mean. You don't try

to be cute. Not that I would ever
try to make you try to be cute.

Right.

Well? We can probably get in at least
two dates before you go off to college.

Look, Quinn, it's very flattering, and
you're a really nice kid, but you're not

my type.

But I already told you! I
don't care what you look like.

Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to
be with someone who has ... how can I put

this? ... a certain amount of depth.

But I know stuff now!

Yes, but why did you want to know stuff?
So you'd be able to get into a party

school. Talk about a
lack of self-esteem.

I have tons of self-esteem! I
esteem myself more than anybody!

When it comes to appearance, but not in
any areas that count. Look at the losers

you hang out with. No chance
of feeling stupid around them.

Losers? But the whole reason I even
thought of getting tutored was I knew

I could do better on
the P-STATs than them.

Than they. And I'm glad to hear that.
It means you're starting to understand

your potential.

So... ?

Quinn, you and I are in two different
places, way too far apart to go out. You'd

hate it, believe me. But it's a real big
compliment. Keep studying and good luck.

Yeah... good luck.

"Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life.
Betrayal, yeah, you're twisting the

Kn*fe... "

Trent!

Huh?

That's not helping.

Oh. Sorry. Um, you know
how it is. Inspiration.

We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake
Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.

How can you tell?

You're funny, Daria.

Anyway, don't go crazy over this Tom stuff.
Even Janey said you make a good couple.

You mean made. We're
not going out anymore.

Really? Why?

A lot of stuff. Mainly I got
weirded out by his family.

But you weren't dating them.

Someday the curators will look back
on these and say they're from my "art

colonies suck" period.

Curators?

Criminologists?

You know, when it comes to art, you and
Link have a lot in common. I'd introduce

you, if he didn't loathe
every fiber of my being.

This Link situation
really bothers you, huh?

Serves me right for breaking my cardinal
rule and trying to reach out to a lost soul.

Any kid who looks to you for
nurturing is more than just lost.

Gee, thanks.

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

This soup bites!

Then don't have a fourth bowl.

Mack! I'm going to take five.

These are for you.

Aw... that's sweet.
I've missed you so much.

Wow. I got to buy you flowers more
often. Anyway, I got them to celebrate.

I quit my job yesterday.

Oh, Mack... summer's not even over.
And it was such a piece of cake.

Piece of cake? Working in a dirty, cramped
truck all day for minimum wage? What

would you know about it with your
glamour jobs and your golf lessons?

What's the matter with you?
I'm on your side, remember?

I'm sorry. It's just... wearing that
white suit, serving those little brats...

I felt like some kind of house sl*ve in
Gone With the Wind. It's just not the way

I thought the summer would go.

Hey, you're no house sl*ve. You owed
your father some money. You were doing the

stand-up thing and trying to pay him
back. No big deal, you'll find another way.

I paid him back a week ago.

Oh! So how come you didn't quit then?

I wanted to make a little more money so I
could take you out for dinner at Chez Pierre.

Oh, Mack, that place is so expensive.

I can afford it... for once.

I don't need Chez Pierre when I have
a guy like you. Wait a minute. Who's

driving the truck?

That'll be... $ . . Babe,
how much change do I give back?

Um, let's see, $ .
minus five is $ . .

But I gave you a five.

Right. $ . !

I'll have a sno-cone and a Popsicle.

Let's see, that's a ten, so I owe you...

$ . .

Right!

The guys here are a lot better-looking
in person than on their wanted posters.

Now I understand why people
go to the bathroom in groups.

Don't worry... I promise not to meet a
new boyfriend and leave you alone between

sets. I've learned my lesson.

Okay... speaking of Tom, I
guess you heard we broke up.

I don't read the papers, remember?

I thought Trent might
have said something.

Nope.

Questions, comments?

Please tell me you're not trying to get
my sympathy after blowing me off for my

now ex-boyfriend.

You mean he blew you off for me. Although if
you recall, that's not the way it happened.

No, I meant you blew me off for him. You
wanted to go out with him regardless of

what it did to our friendship.

Hey! You stopped talking to me, remember?
After you broke up with him and said

you didn't care if I dated him.

And you believed me?

I'm confused. What are
we fighting about here?

We're fighting about you, Daria
Morgendorffer, being dumb enough to think a

boyfriend is worth screwing up
a really good friendship for.

A really important friendship.

I'm sorry if I did that. Um, I
really missed you this summer.

Well, I really missed you, too.
Only don't ask me to sleep over.

Huh?

Nothing. Oh, hey, Trent? I meant to
tell you. You guys have a gig tonight.

You better start soon or
you'll miss your next break.

Unless you take your next break now.

In which case you better take it on
stage. They'll never think of looking for

you there.

And while you're up there, maybe you
could play something. Oh, wait, that's what

they're paying you for. Never mind.

You guys are weird.

So what'd you miss most about me?
It was my joie de vivre, wasn't it?

If you really want to
know, it was your damn aura.

Wow, you did spend the
summer with Mr. O'Neill.

I mean your aura of confidence. I drifted
through summer in a perpetual identity

crisis, questioning
everything I said and did.

That's funny, 'cause I...

And I kept thinking about you, up here
doing your paintings, making your jokes,

being Jane Lane.

Being Jane Lane's what I do best.

Precisely. You know exactly who you are,
and nobody's ever going to con you into

thinking you don't. I wish I'd had
you around just as a role model.

You know, you're
absolutely right about me.

Gee, shall I attempt further
heights of ego inflation?

Please do.

Hey. We're Mystik Spiral. And
this one's for Daria and Jane.

I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful."

Oh, please make it "Close to You."

"When the aliens come, when the death
rays hum, when the bummers bum, we'll

still be freakin' friends! When the
whip comes down, when they nuke the town,

when dead clowns can't clown, we'll still
be freakin' friends! Freakin' friends!

Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad
ends, we're freakin' friends! Freakin'

friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come
to bad ends, we're freakin' friends!

Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends... "

I just couldn't get past all that
upper-crustiness. I felt like the poor cousin

in a Henry James novel. You know,
someone to be tolerated until she gets run

over by a horse and buggy.

Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come from
the land of the Muffys. But it's not like

they're jerks or anything. I just
ignored the money and concentrated on the

incredibly well-stocked refrigerator.

Yeah. Look, why don't you
just come back with us?

I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass
notion about seeing this through, I guess.

Anyway, it's just another two weeks and
then we'll be back at school! Wait...

what's my point?

That life sucks no matter what, so
don't be fooled by location changes.

You really should write fortune cookies.

Call me when you get back.

All right, freakin' friend. Um, I don't
believe I'm about to say this, but...

you should give Tom another sh*t. He's not
a bad guy. And you could use the recreation.

Um, what about the whole
you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-how-could-you thing?

I think I actually am over that. As
opposed to when I said I was over it but was

really still under it.

Yeah, right.

Seriously. Give it some
thought on the way back.

I don't think so.

Or converse with the
band. The choice is yours.

No, those sandals don't
make your toes look fat.

So David was right. I am superficial.

At least you know your strengths.

He really called you that?

He said he only dates
girls with "depth."

How did it even come up?

Oh, boy. You asked him out?

Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as
you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged

to stress the moronic aspects of your
personality so you'll fit in better with

the fashion drones, like a mask you wear
'cause you think they wouldn't like the

real you.

You mean sort of the way you keep people
away by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Hey, we're talking about you here. You
really liked that guy, huh? Well, he

certainly wasn't what we intellectuals
call a totally buff hottie, so if you saw

past his looks, you can't
be completely shallow.

Thanks, Daria. Damn it, I even told
him I liked him! I never do that!

Quinn... sometimes you reach out to
someone and all you get back is a slap in

the face.

Then why even bother?

I guess because, um, you got to give
people a chance. Otherwise, there's no

point to the whole being-human routine.

Why? David didn't give me a chance!

Sure he did. Wasn't he going to
quit before you begged him not to?

Yeah. So?

So you learned a whole bunch of stuff
and found out you don't have to be a dummy

if you don't want to...
because he gave you a chance.

Quinn, I...

Okay, thanks for lending this to me. A
Journal of the Plague Year. Sounds fun!

"Give people a chance."
Sounds like good advice.

That crap?

Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you...

... and I guess I'll go
see how Quinn is doing.

Agh! This heat is making
my lip gloss all runny.

Tell me about it. It's so hot we
can't even wear our new fall clothes.

They should really
start school in November.

I know...

Welcome back, students, and remember,
the school nurse is in and ready to take

your voluntary urine sample. Show your
Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine!

Eww... !

All right, which of you promising
young people would like to share your

definition of Manifest Destiny?

Ms. Morgendorffer?
Did you want something?

"Manifest Destiny" was a phrase politicians
used to say that God wanted the U.S.

to keep expanding west all the way to
the Pacific ocean. Because why bother

owning the country if
Hollywood wasn't included?

Ahh, Quinn, that's very good! Thank
you for making my day rewarding.

Gee, Quinn... I hope that little foray
of yours into Geekland just now is the

result of heat exhaustion, and not
an unpleasant side effect of all that

tutoring. I mean, you're not
turning into a brain, are you?

Sandi, just because someone can answer a simple
question doesn't mean they're a pedagogue.

So, I guess I got through to Link after
all, and all it cost me was a generous

period of self-doubt followed by
a bracing stint of self-hatred.

See? Not every human is a manipulative,
opportunistic letch, or at least that's

what I'm told.

You didn't make any friends
at that art colony, did you?

Nope. Well, except this one
girl, until she got fresh.

You're not kidding.

As much as I'd like to gain your sour
perspective on the whole sordid incident,

it's gonna have to wait. I
think someone's looking for you.

Whoa! Nice car. Where's Jeeves?

I k*lled him for his
uniform. How are you doing?

I'm okay. She's pretty okay, too.

Yeah, I know that. Hey, Daria.

Hey.

Want to go for a ride?

Actually, we were just...

... saying good-bye.
I'll call you later.

Thanks for the lift. Um,
I guess I should be going.

Just hear me out. Okay?

Sure.

There's nothing I can do about the club,
my family, the whole thing. And yes,

I can see where all of that
could make you uncomfortable.

Thank you.

But would you also agree that maybe I
was right when I said this dating stuff is

new to you, and you're afraid of getting
hurt, and maybe you were looking for an

out before you got too pulled in?

Daria?

Maybe some of that's true.

Well, here's the deal. I want to start
seeing you again. We can take it slow,

but you've got to at least try to
trust me. I really like you, Daria, but

I don't want to waste any more time if
you're not going to give it a chance.

Please?

Daria... ?

I want to try again, too.

Don't say any more. I hate
it when you get all mushy.

Yeah, I don't like it, either.
Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya.

Oh, Jakey, do you realize what a
momentous summer our girls have had?

Quinn learned she's smarter than she
thought, and Daria has her first boyfriend.

It's summer already?

Jake...

You made a joke, didn't you?

Yep! Old Jake was joking!

I like a man with a sense of humor.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

I don't know.

Well, you're about to find out!