03x12 - New Year's Eve 1960

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I didn't collect all the money

for your New Year's Eve party,

but I got the money
from Jeffrey Strauss.

Oh, good, Mousey
Straussy paid up.

All in nickels, Laverne.

Yeah, he knows this great trick

with a parking meter.

I don't want to hear about it.

Would you please
count this For me

and make sure that
it's all here? Oh...

Please, will you?

Okay, okay, okay.

5, 10 15, 20, 25...

Now, Laverne, I don't mean

to pressure you, but, uh...

Here comes the pressure.

Even though you haven't decided

who you're going out
with New Year's Eve...

80, 85, 90...

And even though there
are only four days left

until New Year's Eve
1960... 60, 65, 70...

Must you count
that money like that?

What do you want me to do?

Well, why don't
you just stack it

in neat little tens, you know?

It'll be a lot simpler.

One, two, three, four, five...

Now, when are
you going to decide?

Well, I really wanted to
go with Norman, my cop.

Mm-hmm.

But just my luck, the entire
Milwaukee police force

is on duty New Year's Eve.

So now I got it narrowed
down to Jake the Snake,

Benny the newspaper
guy or Herbie Schull.

A motorcycle hoodlum,

a man with filthy hands

and a guy who turns
his eyelids inside out.

Yeah, they're really nice
guys, but you know, this year

I really wanted to go
out with someone special

for New Year's Eve, you know?

Boy, you got it easy;

you go out with
Carmine every year.

Ah. New Year's Eve, 1955,

I was down with
the whooping cough.

And who came over and got you
bombed on cheap champagne?

The Big Ragoo.

Hi, Laverne. Hi, Shirl.

Beatrice! Beatrice!

Oh, Beatrice, just the
person I wanted to see.

I got everybody down here
for my New Year's Eve party

but you and Pete.

I was wondering if you
wanted to come or not.

Should I put you down or...?

Oh, well, you see, I guess
you haven't heard yet.

Uh, me and Pete broke up.

Oh, gee, Bea, aw,
gee, that's rough.

You went with each
other for so long, too!

Ten years, seven months.

I'll tell you, darling, it
really is not that bad

'cause I'm going out
with a new guy now

and he's a foot doctor.

See ya. See ya, Bea.

Bye.

A foot doctor, fancy that.

A foot doctor.

Everyone gets a doctor but me!

Everybody gets a doctor but me!

Pete Lacurdo's free.

Pete Lacurdo's
free and Beatrice...

Pete Lacurdo!

He was always
somebody special to you.

Special? I waited
half my life for him.

Ever since that
sixth-grade picnic

when me and Pete went
for a walk in the woods.

You know, you amaze me.

Sixth grade and you
were already going

into the woods with men.

And I didn't know what
to do once I got there.

But now I do.

There.

Going for a little
walk in the woods?

No. I'm taking the car down
to the Knapp Street Garage.

Pete still works there.

I think it's just about time
for our 150,000-mile checkup.

If you can get him over
to the house tonight,

I can guarantee you that he will
not leave without asking you out

for New Year's Eve.

You mean he might
have to stay all night?

My plan does not include smut.

That doesn't look
like no little poodle.

It looks more like a strange
creature from another world.

Hello.

Please.

What are you doing down here?

What are you doing up there?

I'm trying to get
used to high places.

Of course you are.

Yeah, it's part of our
New Year's Eve surprise.

You want to know what it is?

No. No, I don't want
to know what it is.

Well, we're not gonna tell you.

Yeah, that's telling her.

Listen, listen,
Laverne's out on a date

and she's gonna back any minute

and you're gonna mess up a plan,

so would you please leave?

Oh, oh... oh!

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hold on, shorty.

We are here for
a specific purpose.

Right.

We want to borrow a cup of
cold cream and one dry rope.

A cup of cold cream
and a dry rope.

Uh-huh, right.

And what do you
want that for, pray tell?

It's part of our New
Year's Eve surprise.

You want to know what it is?

No, I don't want
to know what it is.

That's all right,

'cause we're not gonna tell you.

Yeah.

Listen, okay, all right.

I'll bring you a
cup of cold cream

and some dry
rope later on, okay?

If you'll just run along
'cause Laverne's going

to be home any minute...

Okay, off and running.

Watch it, watch it! Be careful!

Be careful, please!

Please. Watch it,
watch it, watch it.

Oh, come on, I'm not
going to hurt my head.

I'm way ahead of
you, Pete. Gangway!

- Whoo, whoo!
- I beat ya!

Hey, it's no fair, no fair.

You cheated. You
got your skates on.

Hey, uh, are you
going to invite me in?

Okay, come in.

Two more. Oh!
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Two more steps. Yeah, yeah.

Whoo! Whoa!

Whoo!

Hey, Shirl, I'm home.

She's probably asleep. Yeah.

Boy, did I have
fun tonight, Pete.

Yeah, me, too, Laverne.

I'm sure glad you went
out with me tonight.

I'm sorry somebody
stole your shoes, though.

Aw, it's okay.

They'll never get
the "L's" off 'em.

Yeah.

Hey, you want
something to drink?

How about some milk and Pepsi?

Oh, God.

No, you almost
k*lled me with that

in the sixth grade. I hate that.

Me, too.

I'm never going
to drink it again.

Boy, you are some skater.

Hey, you, too.

I like the way you
pushed that girl

over the rail when she
tried to pass you, huh?

Yeah, she's probably the
one who stole my shoes.

Yeah.

Want to push me
over to the couch?

You got it.

Whoa!

Unnecessary roughness,
two minutes in the penalty box.

I don't know. I
was pretty rough.

You'd better make
it ten minutes.

Comfy?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I'm always
comfortable with you, Laverne.

You're, you're
so easy to talk to.

Is that what we're
going to do, talk all night?

Hi, Pete!

What a surprise!

Long time no see!

Yeah, hi, Shirl.

Oh, don't mind
me, don't mind me.

I'm just working
on the decorations

for our New Year's Eve party.

It's gonna be some wing-ding.

Yeah...

Ah, there they are.
There's what I'm looking for.

You know, my New
Year's Eve party

is a couples-only, so if
you know of any couples,

they're certainly welcome.

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld... ♪

It's a good song, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, how about some music, huh?

Music? Yeah.

You got it.

I'll just skate over
to the machine here,

put on a little
make-out music...

That used to be me
and Beatrice's song.

It still kind of
reminds me of her.

Stupid song.

Ever listen to those words?

"Chances are, chances
are awfully good."

What's that supposed to mean?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Oh, there they are, oh!

Here we go. Here's
what I was looking for.

I don't know if I
mentioned this or not,

but my New Year's Eve party
is only five dollars a couple.

Whoo, is that cheap?!

Are you telling
me? What a bargain!

For that five dollars,

each couple will have
a veritable feast of fun.

Yes, well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm sure that you two have
a lot of fond, fond memories

that you want to relive,

and after all, New Year's is
the time to relive old memories

and start new relationships,
all for only five small ones.

Hey, Laverne.

Yeah?

Do you remember the
first time we kissed?

Uh, yeah, at the sixth
grade class picnic

when me and you went
for a walk in the woods.

Naw, naw, I thought it
was on a baseball field.

It was on a baseball field,

because I remember I was
wearing your Sharks jacket.

Yeah, yeah, right.
Remember, I had to punch you

to make you give it back
to me, do you remember?

Yeah, and then I punched
you and then you kissed me.

Naw, no, I didn't. You
punched me again.

Well, you kissed me
somewhere in there.

I had to.

You wouldn't let me up
off the ground till I did.

Hey, why'd you do that, huh?

Why?

'Cause I liked you.

Why'd you punch
me all the time for?

You were the only
girl in the sixth grade

that could take it.

Yeah, I guess I was.

And besides, I kind
of liked you, too.

I-I, I... I didn't
hurt you, did I?

No. Oh.

Last time, I promise.

Swear to God?

Swear to God.

Boy, I just wanted you to
know that for five dollars,

each couple will receive
one of these horns for free.

Very expensive horn, too.

Hey, Laverne. Yeah?

I got to go.

Oh, no, she won't be out again.

She swore to God.

Oh, no, no, that isn't it.

It's just that
it's getting late.

I got to get up early
and grease a Lincoln.

I really had fun tonight.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Hey, listen, uh, I don't
know if you heard,

but, uh, Shirl's having
a New Year's Eve party.

Is she?

Yeah.

And, uh, since
it's couples only,

uh, do you want to go with me?

You bet!

You and me go out
New Year's Eve?

Come on, Mr. DeFazio,
just pretend you're drying

your backside with a towel,

and putting out
cigarettes with your feet,

or cigars, whatever.

Come on, try it.

All right, I'm
trying, I'm trying.

I'm trying.

Ho, I could use a beer.

How about you, Pete? I'm buying.

They're free.

That's why I can afford them.

Boy, I got a feeling that the
Twist is going to be my dance.

I don't know, I got
a pain in my side.

Really? Not me.

Hey, Pop. Yeah?

What do you think
of my new fella?

I like him; he's Italian.

Hey, Frank, I'm not Italian.

Shh, nobody has to know.

Give me a nickel.

Come on. For what?

What do you need a nickel for?

Let's go do the
Twist again, huh?

Again with the
Twist, I don't like it.

I can't... I can't do it.

Oh, you can, too.

Just bend your
knees and go like that.

What are you doing?!

Come on.

These new dances stink.

Frank, you are so old-fashioned.

Old-fashioned?! I'll show you!

Hey!

All right, heads up, heads up!

Hook and ladder!
Hook and ladder!

Watch it! Be careful!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I thought you
didn't want to know.

Listen, if you're so interested,

I suggest everybody here
gather around our building

at midnight tonight
for the big to-do.

I'm telling you, Laverne, this is the best
New Year's Eve party I've ever thrown.

Yeah.

Being here with Pete is
like a dream come true.

Well, would you
look who's dreaming?

I dream.

I just don't like to
talk about them.

Then it don't hurt so
bad if they don't work out.

Well I'm glad this
one's working out.

It's nice to see you so happy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
The beer brigade is back.

Oh, oh, watch it.

What kept you this time?

We had to open up some kegs,

and then we had
to sample the beer,

and then of course we had to double-check,
and then double-double-check...

Carmine, we get the
picture. Say no more.

Hey, Laverne, go
dancing with me, huh?

Whoa, whoa. Are
you all right? Yes.

I see you got your New
Year's Eve cold, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I happen to have here your
New Year's Eve get-well present.

Ta-dah.

Oh, Carmine, how sweet.

A new diary, thank you.

Go on, open it up.

Carmine, there's
writing in this diary.

You gave me a used diary?

No wonder it was so cheap.

Go ahead, see what it says.

"January 1, 1960.

"Dear Diary, spent New Year's
Eve with Carmine as usual.

This year's midnight
kiss was his best ever."

Boy, that Carmine is
something, huh, that guy?

All right, read on.

"After everybody left,
Carmine stayed and told me

that the nicest thing
about the '50s was me."

And you're going to be
nicest thing about the '60s, too.

Oh, Carmine.

You know, I'd... I'd
kiss you right now

if there wasn't so
many people around.

There's still a half
hour to New Year's.

I sure wish you
had some mistletoe.

You got it.

There's got to be
something green around here.

Right-right there.

It's oregano, but who cares?

What are you doing?

Having fun. Good for you.

Okay, now put one
hand on the chair

and one hand on me, but don't
let my father see you. Oh, yeah.

I'll just hang it up here.

He gets crazy.

♪ Chances are, 'cause
I wear a silly grin ♪

Who put on that stupid song?
Shirl, who put that song on?

♪ The moment you came
into view... ♪ Beatrice.

Pete?

♪ Chances are you think
that I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Just because my
composure sort of slips ♪

♪ The moment that
your lips meet mine ♪

♪ Chances are you think
my heart's your Valentine... ♪

Laverne!

Laverne!

Hey, Angel Face!

Laverne! Wait up!

Okay, okay, noise-makers
for everybody.

Get your noise-makers for
the special Lenny and Squiggy

midnight festivities.

Carmine, stay here. No,
no, no, wait right there.

Needs more Pepsi.

Laverne, you can't drink
your problems away.

Come on, Laverne, come on.

Everything's going
to be all right, it is.

No it isn't.

Sure it is.

He left me standing
there under the oregano.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts,

but things will get better.

Chances are...

Chances are! I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to say that.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll never say it again.

I thought everything with
Pete would be perfect.

Boy, am I a jerk.

Gesundheit.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I'm sorry. It's all right.

Laverne, you're not a jerk.

There's nothing wrong
with falling for a guy.

It is when you end
up feeling like this.

Gesundheit.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Listen, it's not your
fault Pete left you.

Yes, it is.

I just ain't pretty
enough for him.

I just ain't pretty enough.

Don't ever say that.

Don't ever say that.

I don't ever want to
hear you say that again.

It's true.

It's not true.

You're very pretty.

Very pretty.

What's more important,
you're pretty on the inside.

Big deal, pretty inside.

If they ever cut me open,
maybe I'll be Miss America.

Pretty inside is what they say

to people who
ain't pretty, Shirl.

Laverne, you're pretty on the
outside, too, and you know it.

Haven't you gone out with
some very good-looking men

who were crazy about you?

Right.

Pete loves Beatrice.

If you were Elizabeth Taylor,

there would have been nothing
you could have done about it.

Elizabeth Taylor could
have done something.

Elizabeth Taylor... maybe.

I let myself dream
and what happens?

I end up getting
kicked in the head.

Well, that's it for
me. No more dreams.

Hey, Are you girls coming out?

Lenny and Squiggy are ready.

Yeah, we'll be
there in a minute.

Laverne, if you stop dreaming,

you may as well drown
yourself in milk and Pepsi.

Everybody gather round.

Only three
minutes till midnight.

Attagirl, that's a good girl.

Let's put...

Boy, boy, you are
stubborn as a mule!

Stubborn as a mule!

Come on, put on a brave face.

Let's see a brave face, come on.

You want to cry first?

Okay, okay.

♪ Should auld
acquaintance... be forgot... ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

Only two minutes to midnight.

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ In the days of
Auld Lang Syne ♪

Hi, Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Laverne, they assigned
me to this street.

Something about a riot.

Norman!

Let him through, get
him in, let him through.

He's a cop, he's a
cop. Oh, Norman!

I got a date.

And now, just like
on Times Square,

we count down the old year

by dropping a ball down
the side of a building.

But we have a human ball...

Mr. Andrew Squigman!

Squiggy uses no net.

Only a rope greased with
cold cream and pure guts.

Only ten seconds till midnight!

Here he goes!

Uh, ten... ALL: Nine, eight...

seven... six...
five... four... three...

two... one...

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And days of
Auld Lang Syne... ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪