01x06 - Gifted Program

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so, if the store
has potatoes, right,

and you take away two of them,

how many potatoes would
the store have left?

I don't like potatoes.

Let's not focus on that part of it.

You have eight potatoes.

Marie, we know that you know.

I was asking Sydnee.

Why don't you go sharpen
up some colored pencils?

That'd be fun.

I have a lot of kids in my class,

and, uh, some of them
are pretty smart potatoes.

So I try to get creative
with the ones who finish early

with some special projects.

I'm done with the pencils, Ms. Teagues.

Then why don't you...

help me grade some of the other
students' worksheets, okay?

Don't tell anyone.

Okay, so, if you don't
like "potato" potatoes,

what if we say they are sweet potatoes?

I really don't like sweet potatoes.

You've really got to
work with me, Sydnee.

Janine, what did I say
about taking my potatoes

from the lunchroom?

But visual learning is so much better!

Well, guess what.

Now you have zero potatoes.

Yay!

- AVA: Good morning, y'all.
- Morning.

Please allow me to introduce
our newest student, Malcolm.

He just moved to the area.

He went to that smart
private school, Elway Academy,

with the orchestra
classes and everything.

So he's like baby Beethoven.

My parents wanted me to go to
a school with other Black kids.

Well, you are in luck because
we are swimmin' in Black kids.

Malcolm got straight A's and
he was in the gifted program

- and everything.
- Welcome, Malcolm.

Yes, welcome to Abbott, Malcolm.

I was in the gifted program, too.

What were you gifted at? Being annoying?

No.

Anyway, Malcolm has a bright future.

I can already see him
at the White House,

thanking Ms. Ava Eva Coleman

for turning him into
the Oprah of Science.

All you ever have to be
is the Malcolm of Science,

and that will be enough.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Malcolm, would you like
to go get some breakfast

with the other kids?

Yes! Go get whatever
your super brain needs.

We have fish oils or whatever.

Make way! Smart kid coming through.

Don't look at him with
your regular IQs.

This is trash.

Wow!

He really is brilliant.

You know, Ava, I really
wish you wouldn't talk

about the kids like
that in front of them.

We have a lot of smart
kids here at Abbott.

- Always have.
- Mm-hmm.

I got a kid in my class
bartering Happy Meals

for friendship.

Hey. [GASPS]

You know what? We should
have a gifted program here.

I mean, I need something for
the kids in my class to do

other than grade papers and...

I'm kidding.

But, seriously, I loved the
gifted program I was in growing up.

I learned so much, and those
experiences were priceless.

I was in one, too. Yeah.

I got to write my own musical
rap parody about Monsanto.

It was called "Mo' Santo, Mo' Problems."

Yo, check it.

My youngest, Gina... She participated

in a young-engineers program.
It did wonders for her.

Looks good on
a college application, too.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Gregory, what do you think?

Oh, I think I've been
here for like five minutes,

so I don't really have a say.

You need to have more opinions.

We used to have a gifted
program, Lollipop Guild,

- but then, you know...
- Oh, let me guess.

- "We don't have the money."
- Oh, no, we have the cheddar.

It's sitting in an account.
We just can't touch it.

Believe me, I tried.

To use it for... arithmascience.

Anyway, the problem is,

there's no one to teach
the gifted program.

- You guys are in your classes all day.
- MELISSA: It's true.

By the time we take attendance,
it's practically lunch.

- Who's got time?
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Ooh.

It'd be easy to just give up
and not have a gifted program,

but there was an acronym
I learned in the one I was in...

PIE... Perseverance,
Ingenuity, and Effort.

I love PIE.

Even though I can't eat it, though.

Hurts my tummy. [CHUCKLES]

But I did try it for many years.

That's the perseverance part,

which is why we should
have a gifted program.

It's a foot facial.

It's like a facial, but for your feet.

Oh! See, I'd go for that.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Gar.
- Hey.

So, what? No raspberry
iced teas for me this week?

You holding out on me?

No. I got another box on the truck.

Oh.

I was, uh... keeping 'em safe for you.

Don't miss me too much while I'm gone.

[SCOFFS] You wish.

Girl, that man likes you. Ask him out.

No.

My ex was a firefighter,
and if he taught me anything,

it's no men in uniforms,
'cause, somehow,

you wind up making their car payments

and sleeping at your
sister's after a fight.

My Gerald wears a uniform,
and he's a good man.

Come on. You deserve a little fun.

This fell off the truck for you.

[CHUCKLES]

So, basically, all we need to
make the gifted program work

is someone enthusiastic
who has a lot of free time.

- And I think I know someone.
- ♪ Yo, yo, and that's how it go ♪

♪ Just say no to Monsanto ♪

♪ Hey! ♪ And that's just the hook.

[LAUGHS]

I found someone to
teach the gifted program.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Why you breathing so hard?

I'm excited.

Well, it's weird. You
should get that checked out.

Okay. Well, Jacob is going to teach

the gifted program
during his free periods.

I would love to till the fertile soil

and grow the minds of tomorrow.

I'll be like, um,
that guy in that movie.

- "Coach Carter".
- No. Um...

- "Jiro Dreams of Sushi".
- No, no.

What's that rock-climbing
movie? Wait. Don't tell me.

- No, none of these. It's...
- Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Hey, um, Ava? What do you think?

A chance to make more Science Oprahs?

" Hours". That's the name
of the rock-climbing movie.

- I knew it. I knew it.
- No.

- Hey, Ava. Ava.
- With the...

- Right. Gifted program.
- Yes.

You know, my sorority
sisters are always bragging

about how they have these
smart kids they gave birth to.

I could be like
Charles Xavier with legs,

with hundreds of smart kids
that I didn't give birth to,

obviously. [CHUCKLES]

Go ahead and start your
little mutant academy.

Yes! Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Take that, Crystal.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS, CHILDREN SHOUTING]

So, I called to book
it, and they told me

they don't do a foot facial.

They said it's just a pedicure.

That's not what Dr. Oz said.

There she is.

You know, I look forward
to every Thursday,

and it's not just about
restocking half-full Funyuns.

"Half-full." The man's an optimist.

So, uh, what's your deal, Gary?

You got dreams or...

I own and operate a
vending-machine business.

I'm living it. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, to live in your dreams.

So, remember how you
brought me that iced tea?

I'm thinking, what if I let
you buy me dinner to go with it?

This... This is gonna be amazing.

I'm gonna take you out
for a night on the town

you'll never forget.

I'm thinking you, me, Dave & Buster's.

Y-You know what? I just...

I think I'm really busy these days.

Maybe we just scratch
this entire date idea.

I tried.

Look, I've learned to spot
a red flag when it's flying.

A guy suggests a dump for a first date,

eventually, you're gonna
have to dump him.

My ex suggested a strip club.

♪♪

It's Smart Kids Time!

I'm gonna need Tyrel,
Nadiyah, and Daniel.

What are you talking about?

For the gifted program.

Those are the only kids
who talk in my class.

Sucks to be you. [LAUGHS]

All aboard the brain train! Choo-choo!

♪♪

What do I think of the gifted program?

I mean, look, if everyone's
into it, then great.

I just think the kids are
gonna miss the end of the movie.

But who needs the end of the movie?

You know, movies are
all about the beginning

and then the middle and...

Okay, guys, let's settle down.
Settle down.

Let's do some math problems
to steady our minds.

Ronald, what's times ?

- SYDNEE: Chicken!
- What?

Chickens in the library!

[CHIRPING]

The chicken has an ovary and an oviduct,

and as the female reaches maturity,

these ova develop a few
at a time into yolks.

And when they hatch, what do we get?

We get breakfast. Am I right?

Served ova easy.

It's happening! They're hatching!

[GASPS]

Aww! Look at that.

They're seeing that
chickens don't just come from

Crown Fried Chicken.

I'm comin' out of retirement
to save the environment.

I like farms 'cause they're rustic,

but GMOs, don't trust it.

Ms. Teagues, I'm smart. Can
I go to the chicken school?

ALL: Me too!

- Franken...
- Food!

- Franken...
- Food!

Very good.

Okay, guys, so, I know
we're all on board

with the gifted program.

Ugh! Ugh!

There you go sounding
like an old locomotive.

Honey, you've got to
walk at a normal pace.

I think some of the kids who
aren't in the gifted program

are feeling left out.

Agreed. And they took
all the talking kids,

so now I have to talk.

Well, this is nothing we can't fix.

We just need to make sure all the kids

who aren't in the program
are still on track

to be successful, you know,
go to college, do great things.

You don't have to go to
college to be successful.

No. Oh, my God, no.

I didn't mean that. I'm just saying...

I, for one, love the program.

I feel like a blend of

Robin Williams in
"Dead Poets Society" and,

well, Robin Williams in "Patch Adams".

Didn't all those kids in
"Patch Adams" die of cancer?

Well, the real cancer is ignorance.

Mm, the real cancer is cancer.

Look, there's nothing wrong
with the gifted program itself.

We just need to organize it better

so that the regular kids... Ooh.

Uh, the ungifted kids... Mm.

The regifted kids...

- Let's lift up the other kids.
- Yes, that.

Look, if the program is
making the kids feel bad,

I don't think it's worth it.

Guys, there has to be a way
to improve the experience

for the other kids, you know?

Make them feel special, too.

I'm sure you'll figure it out, Janine.

You were in the gifted program, right?

I was.

- [BEEPING]
- I don't know.

Maybe try restarting it?

You don't think I would
have tried that, Geek Squad?

Hey, Ava... and Malcolm.

Shouldn't you be in class?

That's what I keep saying!

Ava, we need more discretionary funds.

I want to get chickens for my class,

since my kids had to sit
and watch Jacob hatch eggs

- in the gifted cl...
- Janine, are you new here?

That smart money is for the smart kids.

You think if I had more money,
I would give it to you for eggs?

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Malcolm, why
don't you come with me?

Alright. Gonna get you to class.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Are you excited for your
inspiring lesson from Mr. Hill?

- Yes.
- Yay!

- Okay.
- "O, Captain! My Captain!"

Mm! Fire bar from MC Walt Whit,

but you can call me Cap'n Hill.

Alright? No cap'n.

Huh? Get out your books.

- Thank you, hubby.
- Mm-hmm.

Aww, you're so cute together.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, for lunch, madames,

we have a burrito with
light-to-smedium sour cream.

Thank you very much.

- A capicola sammich.
- My favorite.

And nacho chips,
because they're my chips.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now, that's a man.

I'm not gonna settle for less than that.

That's the bar right there.

See that, baby? I'm the bar.

Well, let me tell you
something about Gerald.

This is not the man I first met.

Such a player and a flirt.

Trusting this one was a risk.

But it is a risk I'm glad I took.

Girlfriend, sometimes,
you've just got to

take a leap of faith.

Barbara, thank you.

I know you're trying to
help, but I'm... I'm not you.

I'm a divorced,

none-your-business-year-old woman.

I... Maybe this is it for me.

Am I interrupting?

What do you think of Gary,
the vending-machine guy?

Oh. Oh, my God. I love
that he stocks Gushers.

Aren't you like ?

And three-quarters, yes. [LAUGHS]

So, when I first got the ball
moving on the gifted program,

- I said, "Janine..."
- Okay, skip this part.

- What do you want?
- Some chicken eggs

that will hatch for my class.

I want to teach them about
their reproductive systems.

Gimme a week.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Okay, so, when the cloud
fills with water droplets,

- then what does it do?
- [CRACKING]

Ms. Teagues, one of
the eggs is breaking.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The eggs are hatching!
Okay, everybody, come on, come on.

Gather round. Everyone gather round.

It's happening! [LAUGHS]

Watch closely, everyone.

The miracle of life is happening.

See? Isn't this cool?

We can do fun stuff
right here in our class.

Ew! It's wet.

Yes. That would be the amniotic fluid.

It creates a pillow around the fetus.

It protects it.

Ew! And it's scaly.

Yes, it's scal... It's scaly?

[GASPS] It's a snake!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

Back up!

Right on. Seize the day, cap-I-tan.

Aah!

Fly free, little birdie.

[SPLAT]

- [SIGHS] Thank you so much.
- It's my job.

By the way, this is actually
an endangered species.

Can I ask where you got these?

Um... it was a pop-up
shop on nd Street.

Not there anymore. Gone.

Can't track it. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I heard about the snakes.

So, what happened was,
I got a guy named Chicken

for snake eggs and a guy
named Snake for chicken eggs.

I called Chicken for snakes,

when I should have
called Snake for chickens.

Whoops.

Look, snakes are scary,

but I think there's
a great lesson in this.

Even for me, a teacher
of gifted students.

Don't you have a table to go stand on?

Mm.

Yes, okay, was this a bigger
setback than I thought?

Sure. But was it a setup
for something great?

[LAUGHS] Look, I can appreciate

what you're trying to do here, Janine,

but it's not working.

I think we should get
rid of the gifted program.

Gregory, I can't believe
you're saying this.

I thought you liked the gifted program,

like earlier, when you s...

Well, I guess you
never said you liked it.

Well, ugh, look, you know,
I tried to give the kids

not in the gifted program
a little bit more attention,

and it didn't work out this time,

but I still feel that if we
nurture our most gifted minds...

Janine, when I was a kid,

I didn't get into the gifted program.

Like, not even close.

It made me feel like
school was only for kids

who were good at taking
tests, which I was not.

So I checked out.

I don't know what to say.

The point is, when you
give some kids chickens,

other kids are gonna get snakes.

And if you get snakes for long enough,

that's what you think you deserve.

And no one deserves snakes.

I get it. So then what do we do?

I'm just saying that there's
more than one way to be gifted.

Have you ever heard of
Howard Gardner's theory

of multiple intelligences?

Okay. So, look, like,
this kid here, right?

He may not be good at math,

but he may have
naturalistic intelligence,

which means he's good with nature.

- Okay.
- And this girl...

She may have musical intelligence.

And this kid...

Okay, she's sleeping.

- Yeah, she's out.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- And look at that.

This kid has custodial intelligence.

You said there was eight eggs, right?

- Yeah.
- Well, we got six snakes.

That leaves two snakes.

Yes, Sydnee. That's correct.

Great job.

Hi. Melissa, it's Thursday.

Are you ready to see your man?

Oh, come on, Barb. Let it go.

- I'm not ready.
- Melissa Ann Schemmenti,

I know you, and you are not ready

because you are telling
yourself you are not ready.

But, okay, do what you want to do.

Hey, you.

JOE: You callin' about the timeshare?

I was gonna use it in June.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.
It's something else.

But that's fine. I prefer July anyway.

So, listen, um...

you know after we got
divorced and you started,

you know, seeing Nina or whatever?

Weren't you...

Weren't you, like, just so afraid

it was just gonna wind up like we did?

Of course I was.

It's hard to get near a stove
once you've been b*rned.

Why? You thinking about cooking?

I'm thinking about
trying out a new recipe.

Look, we were young, and I was an idiot.

You deserve a chance
at something better.

Geez, you got soft.

Ha ha. I hate you.

I hate you more.

See ya, Joe.

And that's why I don't think

there's a more respectable
bird than the sea gull.

It survives.

Agreed. [LAUGHS]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the one who ran away.

Yeah, that wasn't my best moment.

Eh! I've seen worse moments.

Yeah, well, and I'm sorry.

Listen, I get it.

You're a beautiful woman.

A Philly . [LAUGHS]

You deserve options. I get options...

Baked chips, classic
chips, cupcakes, sour candy,

granola, local, big names.

The world's your vending machine.

Well, I would still like

to go out for dinner,
if you're interested.

Oh, hell yeah. How about this?

Me, you, Scannicchio's?

Oh, yeah, that's where
my ex proposed that we,

you know, get a divorce, so, you know,

not there, but we'll...
We'll figure out a place.

I knew that chip metaphor would work.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you know, speaking of
options, I would love it

if some SnackWell's could
find their way back into Row E.

Please.

I'll see what I can do.

Alright.

Yeah, he'll get 'em. I'm a Philly .

[SNAPS FINGERS]

You so smart. My little Science Oprah

goin' crazy in the botanies.

Do you mean botany?

That's what I said.

Anyway, my friend
Crystal is always bragging

about how her kids are so smart.

Obviously, I have the smartest kids.

Maybe you can make a video

memorizing the periodic
table or something.

Send that to Crystal.

What do you do here?

I'm the principal.

But you don't do anything.

We shuttin' this down.
He gettin' too smart.

Oh, no, wait. Actually, we were all

just talking about the gifted program,

and we have a solution.

Oh, good, 'cause Black Bobby Fischer

is killin' me right now.

Okay, um, well, we thought
instead of a few kids

getting to do something
special every week,

what if every kid got
to do something special

every few weeks?

This way, no kid feels left out.

We consider all
the intelligences they could have.

We get everyone excited about learning.

And, you know, Jacob will still teach.

- We'll help.
- Yes.

"O Captain! My Captain!" for everyone.

So, if everyone's special,
then no one's special.

Works for me.

What do you normally
do after school, anyway?

Work out, watch "Jeopardy!"

Work out and watch "Jeopardy!"?

Yeah, at the same time. It stimulates

- the body and the mind.
- That's cool.

- Uh...
- Oh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I, um...

I can't open the door or they'll escape.

Who will escape?

I found the seventh
and eighth snake, okay?

They were... They were in my bag.

- Oh, no.
- And, um... now they're in my car.

- Oh, God.
- Um...

Uh...

That man teaches the gifted program.

[LAUGHS] Mm-hmm.

[LAUGHS]

That sucks, how you had to come up,

like, not thinking you're special.

I mean, I really hope you
don't carry that with you,

because I think you're gifted.

- Just not as gifted as me.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, oh, is that so? Okay.

That is. That is so.

Um, but, in all seriousness, Gregory,

I was just thinking, um...

do you need me to back
your car out for you?

Because I can do that.

You know, I have the
brain that it takes to...

Alright, now, you have a good night.

- Alright, see you later.
- I'll see you.

I'm really happy Gregory's opening up.

I mean, he's great,

and it's really nice to have
another friend at the school.

What?

Today, I learned that snake
eggs and chicken eggs look alike.

We never got to do fun
stuff at my old school.

[SCREAMING] Oh, God! Aah!

I like Principal Coleman.
She's like a big kid.

She's silly, and she doesn't have a job.

[CANDY CLATTERS]

There's one area of giftedness
that always goes overlooked.

I've started a gifted custodian program.

It's like reverse "Good Will Hunting".

You see a genius cleaning.

I see a cleaning genius.