04x01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch

[bunniefuu]

Whoo-Hoo ! Yeah !

Whoa ! Ow !

Schman ! The great rad spot is
mega-Sweet for party boarding.

Indeed.
Any calls while I was out ?

Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission
from Kif a couple hours ago.

My Kify called ?

Kif ?
Oh, Amy, you're back.

Another hour and I would've
thought of hanging up.

Why didn't you leave a message, sweetie ?

I've left hundreds of messages
with your answering machine...

But you never seem to get them.
Bender !

It's not my fault if you don't check me.

Messages erased.

Oh, dearest, this long-Distance
relationship is too much to bear.

When even an inch separates us,
I quiver with misery.

So you can imagine how I feel
when it's a billion light years.

Kif, don't cry,
or you'll get a tummy ache.

Lieutenant, some things came off me
and clogged the drain, so if you can...

Oh-Ho. What's this ?

Well, well, well. Do my eyes believe me,
or is that my bosomy swan, Leela ?

Say again ? You're breaking up.

Oh.

Good news, everyone.

You'll be delivering pain medicine
to the hive mind of Nigel 7.

Scruffy's rolling out a large pill.

You're going to Nigel 7 ?
Kif's on patrol near there.

You could drop me off on the way.
We could, but we won't !

It's a spaceship, damn it,
not a prom limousine !

Ooh ! Lf anyone needs me,
I'll be in the angry dome.

This is a very long trip.

So we'll all have to go into
hibernative naptosis to save oxygen.

I don't even breathe oxygen.

Here I come, Kif.

They jumped right out of their pants.

Oh, what now ? Activate glass window.

Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual
disturbance in the Force.

Prepare for ship-To-Ship intimacy.
Yes, sir, captain.

How about I help you finish that
dream you were having about me ?

Okay. I was just at this part:

Let's try that a little
lower and lots softer.

Imagine you stowing away and
stealing a licensed starship.

Oh, it's so romantic
it gives me the shivers.

I don't care how much trouble I get in.

I needed to feel my lips pressed
against your lip-Less beak.

Oh, Amy, I can't stand having
a whole universe between us.

I've been thinking a lot about this,
and... Well, would you move in with me ?

Here ? But, wouldn't it be crowded ?

Oh, no, no. It's really twice the size.

You can use the floor
and I'll have the ceiling. See ?

Kif, you have so much
creativity and niceness.

- But I'm not sure if I...
- Hush.

Before you answer, come thither.

This is the Holo-Shed.
It can simulate anything you desire.

And nothing can hurt you,
except when it malfunctions...

And the holograms become real.

Well, that probably
won't happen this time.

I wanted to show you what life
could be like if we were together.

Computer, run program Kif One.

This is so beautiful !

Spirit ! Kif, that's the
pony I always wanted...

But my parents said I had
too many ponies already.

Yes. I programmed it in for you.
Four million lines of BASIC.

And if this isn't the life
you want, how about this ?

Run program Kif Two.

Oh, Kif.

We could live here at the shore of the
Tranquilibrius Sea, in a time-Share.

And I would pluck the moon from
the sky just to see you smile.

Almost got it.

Seems to be sort of stuck.

I love you !

Run program Kif-Colon-
Slash-Slash-Three !

This isn't bad.
My aunt had a place like this.

Amy, we could live in a bus
station bathroom for all I care.

As long as we're together,
it'll feel like a castle to me.

Kif, I'd love to live with you.
Someday.

But before then, there's still
lots I want to do on my own.

What was that ?
Oh, dear.

I fear the Holo-Shed
might be broken again.

Well, as long as we don't
cross paths with Attila the...

Look ! Spirit !

And there's Professor Moriarty.

Jack the Ripper !

Evil Lincoln !

Right-O, gents.
It's another simulation gone mad.

So m*rder and mayhem,
standard procedure.

Real holographic-Simulated
Evil Lincoln is back !

The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again.
The characters turned real !

Damn ! The last time that happened,
I got slapped with three paternity suits.

Oh, my God !
Listen up, history's greatest villains.

Get back into the Holo-Shed
before I start blasting.

Stop !
No sh**t fire-Stick in space canoe !

Cause expl*sive decompression !

Spare me your space-Age techno-Babble,
Attila the Hun.

Oh.

Hey !

Kif, hold on !
I totally want to !

Grab on !
Over here !

Please, hold me !

Have a good one.

Oh, man !
Whew.

After all that,
I could use some relaxation.

I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

Well, except for a few broken bones,
some internal hemorrhaging...

And a partially barfed up heart,
everyone appears fine.

Phew.

Oh, and Kif is pregnant.

Oh, joy !

Amy, isn't it wonderful ? I'm pregnant.

Yes, it's great. A great miracle.

And not one of those bogus
everyday miracles, like a sunrise.

Aren't you a male ?
Yeah, what's the deal ?

Just when I thought I'd figured out you
biological creatures, it's something else !

Let me at him ! Get over here, Kif !
You're...

Look, I'm sure we're all a little
unclear on how anyone gets pregnant.

So, Kif, pray explain, and don't spare
the dirty words where appropriate.

Well, it's quite simple really.

When one of my species experiences
deep feelings of love...

We enter a so-Called "receptive state".

You disgust me. Go on.

At that point, our skin becomes
a semipermeable membrane...

Which allows the passage
of genetic material.

I held Amy's hand, and voil? !

Well, okay.
But that better be all there is.

Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother !

What a wondrous affirmation of our love.
And all from the touch of your hand.

Dude, hold up. Remember when
Zapp blew a hole in the ship ?

Indeed.
Kif touched everybody there.

Couldn't any one of us be the mother ?
Hey, yeah !

I mean, what about that, Kif ?

Well, I suppose I might have
gotten pregnant that way.

Or even from a toilet seat.

Though, that's impossible,
since I have a private washroom.

My home away from home.

By the way, Kif, your flush
seems to be set on stun, not k*ll.

Look, Kif, I probably am the mother.
Although maybe I'm not.

Of course, I hope I am, but just in case
I'm not, maybe we should have a test.

A test ! I demand a test !

Even I laughed at me when I built this
alien cross-Species genetic analyzer.

But I guess I showed myself.

Subjects, please enter the chamber.

Now to take a DNA sample.

When I pull this switch, the
materni-Fuge will spin at 10,000 rpm...

Separating out everyone
who isn't the mother...

Father... Whatever.

Faster ! Faster !

Good ! Fry's ejection indicates
that he is not the man mama.

Nor is Captain Brannigan.
Oh, thank you, merciful God.

Zoidberg ? What the hell
were you doing in there ?

That's where I live. I have no home.

Amy ? But that means...

Leela must have impregnated me
when she grabbed my ungloved hand.

That explains the poster in hygiene class:
"No glove, no love".

Wow, this is all so confusing.
Leela, how could you ?

Our love has had to endure your
constant hatred, and now this ?

Stop testing our love !
Oh, please, captain.

I thank Leela for the DNA she
gave me, but in my species...

The true parent is the one who
inspired the initial feeling of love.

We call that person the "Smizmarr".
And my Smizmarr is Amy.

So the toilet seat is like
the uncle or something ?

Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
That's okay.

At least Kif's baby
shower should be fun.

I better put it on my calendar.

Thursday. Baby shower. Enter.

Might as well plan for my
new life while I'm at it.

Set motherhood mode.

To motherhood.

Zoidberg ?

My face was stuck in a pizza.

Mom ? Dad ? I know this is weird, but...
Yeah, yeah.

We don't care how squishy
alien get pregnant.

All we care is that we have grandchild.

You're very open-Minded, Mrs. Wong.
Hey, you call her "Grandma" now.

Call me Grandma like crazy.
All the time.

Check it out, y'all.
Everyone we invited is here.

Also Zoidberg.
So let's open the gifts.

Yeah !
I can't wait.

We'll start with this one from Bender.

It's my booties from when I was a kid.

Uh, they're already bronzed.
They are bronze.

And this one's from Leela.
Oh, I just love the bow.

I wonder what it is.
Yes, I wonder what we got you.

It's a basket ! For picnics ?
It means a lot to me.

It's the basket my parents
left me in at the Orphanarium.

You could use it for picnics.

Here, Amy, we get this one for you.
Is it a new party board ?

It's a board, all right.
An ironing board.

We had your old party board converted
now that you not be partying anymore.

You trashed my party board ?
Damn right. Now you a mom.

The only surfing you'll do is
under a big wave of responsibility.

Oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life.

You all brought such wonderful gifts.

But the greatest gift
Mine !

Is the bond I share
with my Smizmarr, Amy.

For soon, the quivering mass of life
within me will depend upon us both.

Even now, I can sense it feeding,
squirming, searching, questing.

And shortly, it will
rend my loins in twain...

Burst forth and pull us
down, down, down...

Into the deep, dark
waters of commitment.

That's so beautiful.

Yes, it's.

No ! I can't do this !

Oh, my God !

Oh, how could Amy leave me ?

When will women learn
to take responsibility...

For the children they've helped create ?

The quickening ! My time is near.

I must return to my home world to
perform the ancient birthing rights.

Let me know how that turns out.

I must now embark on
a perilous journey...

To give birth in precisely the
same swamp in which I was born.

If it's so dangerous,
I'd better go with you.

A gal has to protect her DNA.
No, Leela.

Tradition demands that I make
this journey with my Smizmarr.

And since Amy isn't here,
I must go it alone.

Farewell, for we may never meet again.

My scrapes feel a little better now.

Hey, what's this fat, ugly thing ?
A frog ? A toad ? Or your mama ?

It's a poisonous froad ! No one move.

I'm back, baby.

Behold.

The sacred ancestral
birthing grounds of my family.

Smells like a jockstrap.

I am the Grand Midwife.
Hi.

I am Kif, of the clan Kroker,
come to bear my young.

Then let the tea of new life
be brewed, as it is writ:

"And both shall lift the jug together".

Where is your Smizmarr ?
She's not with me.

Oh, the sorrow ! Oh, the shame !

Sorry, I'm probably just
making you feel worse.

As long as Amy is with me in my heart,
I will have the strength of two.

Apparently Amy hasn't been
working out much lately.

As the tea boils, please join
hands with your beloved Smizmarr.

Oh, right. Sorry, but I've memorized the
ceremony by rote. It mentions her a lot.

I'll try to endure.
Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.

Now turn, ye two, and gaze
deeply into each other's eyes.

What are you looking at ?
May the love I sense between you...

At this moment remain with
you both through all your days.

The tea of new life is ready.

Let those whose love created this life
speak each other's names, then drink.

Amy.
Kif !

Amy ! Is it you, or have
I gone crazy with loneliness ?

Both.

Whoa !

I still don't know if I'm ready for this,
but I do know I love you.

And I want to be here beside you.

Great. Now I lost my place.
I'm starting over !

Oh, no time. It has begun.

Oh, my !

Neat.
You can do it, Kif.

Whoa, Nelly !

Oh, man !

Amy, my love, tell me,
are they making it to the water ?

Amy !

Stay away from my babies !

The birthing is complete.

Oh, thank goodness.
I will now take my leave.

I live here, so I won't
actually be going anywhere...

But you don't have
to talk to me anymore.

Congratulations.
Way to go, squishy !

There goes my DNA.

What a disgusting and beautiful process.
That's birth for you.

Well, we've given them
a great start, Amy.

And in 20 years, they'll sprout legs
and crawl back onto land as children.

I'll be ready then.