04x13 - Bend Her

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the games of
the 3004 Earth Olympiad!

Continuing this network's tradition
of sportscasting excellence.

Celebrity Ape Fight will return
next week at its regular time.

Who should I root for? America?

Or a country I learned
about at the food court?

How about those guys?

No. They're from the Republic
of French Stereotypes.

Everybody hates them.

Oh. Let's go check on Hermes.

All this inspiring multiculturalism
is angrying up my blood!

Sweden? I don't think so.

Go on, stick, touch me. Can't do it.

Husband! You haven't been an
Olympic-Class limbo-Er for 20 years!

Quit lying to your pudgy self.

It seems like Jamaica would be able to
field a strong limbo team without you.

Yeah. Isn't that
basically all Jamaicans do?

Jamaicans have other interests!

Which is why the limbo team
got detained at the airport.

That's when they begged my husband to
step in and make an ass out of himself.

And I said I'd try my very best.

But have they seen your, you know,
physique since the old days?

I described it to them on the phone
using a series of artful euphemisms.

Don't worry. The fat pig will do fine...

Thanks to this Flabbo-Dynamic
Spandex Body Suit I've designed.

It redistributes his weight, shifting
his center of gravity closer to his knees.

Ooh, that's snug. Oh!

Those haven't descended in years!
Now, that's a limbo-Er's body!

Look at that fine Jamaican bacon!

Shut up, Zoidberg!
The robot bending events are starting.

Something tells me I could easily
b*at those trained professionals.

Wow! That guy must be, like,
the world's greatest bender!

My dreams of glory
d*ed before they began.

Welcome to my life.

Athletes, please take your lanes...

For the Men 's 500 Meter Limbo.

Hermes Conrad, is that you
inside that dumpy little fat man?

Barbados Slim!
What are you doing here?

Last time I heard, you were in Barbados.
Yes, and I'll be going back there...

With a gold medal draped around
my elegant Caribbean shoulders.

Your body may be as perfectly
sculpted as it was 20 years ago...

When you whupped my fat ass
every time.

But today, I feel lucky.

I see you're still able to limbo
under the bar of fashion sense.

That's it, Barbados Slim!
You've gone one toke over the line!

Limbo-Ers, on your marks.

Get rubbery. Limbo!

There they go!
And Barbados Slim takes an early lead.

God, I hope he wins.

What's this?
Hermes Conrad is closing the gap.

He's limboed out of retirement
and straight into my heart.

I say, "Go to hell, Barbados Slim!"

Go, body suit! Go!
Come on!

Come on, Hermes!
b*at that mahogany god!

It's Barbados, then Conrad.

Conrad pulls ahead.

And Conrad is disqualified!

Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold!

Oh, there, there, Hermes.
You did your best.

If I'd wanted a human
adonis for a husband...

I'd have stayed married
to Barbados Slim.

Well, enough about Hermes.
I couldn't win a medal either.

Even at bending,
the thing I was built to do.

I'm so embarrassed.
I wish everybody else was dead.

Up next, the Fem-Bot
Bending Competition.

Fem-Bots?

Methinks a clever man-Bot,
suitably disguised...

Might win those events.

But the charade would require
subtlety, nuance, grace.

What do you mean I'm not registered?

My name is Coilette,
and I'm from Robonia.

Coilette's a chick's name.
Yes.

But "Robonia" sounds like something
somebody made up on the spot.

Ever been beaten up by a
guy dressed like a chick?

Yeah.

And it's straight! Coilette wins!

Another gold medal for the
spunky maid from Robonia!

A perfect bend and a flawless entry.
No splash at all!

Perfect scores!
A record five gold medals for Coilette!

I'm great! Everybody else sucks!

Except that guy Bender.
He's really something.

All medalists report for gender testing.

You actually thought they'd let you walk
away without an engine-Oil sex check?

Oh, God! I'm not gonna get my medals!

They're all I have to
remember my Olympic career!

Wait! I've got it!

Professor, make a woman out of me!
Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

I don't need friends! I need a sex-Change
operation, and give it to me now!

Bender, a robot sex change is a
complex and dangerous procedure.

Replacing your testoster-Oil
with fem-Bot lubricants...

Can cause wild mood swings.
And the effects may be irreversible.

Well, let's get started.
No! You can't!

If you have even the slightest
respect for the dignity of women--

Pfft.

I'm sorry, ladies, but I must do this.
Not for you. Not for Bender.

But for the proud people of Robonia!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I can't watch this 'cause
it's creepy and wrong and sick.

However, I will watch out of curiosity.
Quiet!

I'm about to begin the process
of reshaping Bender's body...

Into a tender, delicate form.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Hey!

Draining male oil.

Infusing female oil.

Removing item.

We can't wait for Coilette any longer!

I have to get home to
watch The Zombie Osbournes.

I'm ready for my test now, boys.

Hail, hail Robonia...

A land I didn 't make up...

Yeah, come on, baby. Take that.
Goodness.

Oh, yeah, baby. Come on.
Work your cans. Now, shake it out.

I don't know which I'm more:
enraged or disgusted.

I'm just out there making
us ladies look good.

Snuh-Uh. You're making us look like
jerks in front of the other genders!

You're not really a lady anyway, right?
Of course not.

Dear Lord, a coaster!

The Femmzoil must be sashaying
girlishly into your processor.

Then change me back. My breasts are
keeping me awake at night anyway.

Hello? What?

A guest spot on Late
Night With Humorbot 5.0?

I'd love to! My own limo?

No, I don't have my own limo.
You'd better send one.

I need a rain check on
that nad swap, professor.

I'm going on TV. Come on, Fry.
Help me pick out a pantsuit.

So, Calculon, do you want to set
up this clip from All My Circuits?

No, I think it's self-Explanatory.

No!

Funny story.
The script called for me to say "yes. "

But I gave it a little twist.
Anecdote accepted.

Snappy comeback not found.

Please put your hands
together for my next guest...

Winner of five Olympic medals,
Coilette from Robonia.

So, Coilette, many young
fem-Bots wish to emulate you.

Any advice for them?
Yes, Humorbot.

If you ask me, women
today are too stuck-Up...

To go out and jiggle their Jell-O
like everybody wants them to.

In fact, should I do it now?

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

All right, then.

Look out, baby! Good. Work it out.
Oh, shake that thing.

You got to use it, lady.
Shake it up a little.

That's right. Come on. Work it out.

Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.

Oh, I bet you say that to all the five-
Olympic-Gold-Medal-Winning fem-Bots.

From this day forth,
I shall do so whenever possible.

Golly! What?

Coilette, this may be presumptuous
That's my favorite kind of "this. "

But I would be honored if you
would join me for dinner sometime.

Woo .

Calculon, you'd be fulfilling this
naive Robonian farm girl's fantasy.

Of course I would.

This top makes me look fat.
Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?

Yes!
Perfect!

You've gotta tell me. You're not
actually attracted to Calculon, right?

And if you are, don't tell me. Are you?
Certainly not.

But just once I'd like to eat dinner with
a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

Is that so much to ask?

I think you dating a
man-Bot is a disgrace.

And I refuse to be involved.
And you have way too much lipstick on.

Are you kidding? I need more lipstick!
Much more!

Yeah, that's the stuff.
Men love it when you really glob it on.

No, they don't!
No way!

Oh, please! Every man wants a tramp.

No wonder you girls aren't married.

I tell you, men are so
much better at being women.

But what if he wants to--?
I mean, if he tries to--?

Barry White?

I'll tell him I need a commitment first.
That'll stick a potato in his tailpipe.

Good Lord, man!
What kind of temporary woman are you?

Look, why don't all
of you just back off?

Can't a girl enjoy herself
without being judged?

Oh, dear!
Her mood swings are getting wilder.

She's becoming a sl*ve to her emotions.
Just like all women.

Particularly you, Leela.

I'm worried about him too, professor.

Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away.
You saved me a trip to the dump. Bam!

I'd appreciate it if you
didn't "bam" the young lady.

Well, I'd appreciate it if I did,
so I guess we're even.

You know, Coilette, I've never before
met a woman as fascinating as I am.

You're such a sweet, soft fem-Bot,
yet you have this free spirit about you.

And there it is. It's as if you
understand the male mind better than l.

I've never met anyone like you.
Oh, yes, you have.

Coilette, I'd like to spend
some quality time with you.

What? Oh, no way! Not gonna happen!
What kind of girl do you think I am?

Have I mentioned that I own the
world's biggest and most elegant yacht?

Whoo! I'm a trophy girlfriend!

No kidding.
These gifts have been coming nonstop.

I think Calculon's falling for you.

Ah, any day now he'll dump
me for a new wad of arm candy.

And then I can turn back into a guy and
hock all this stuff. It's just a game.

Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't sleep at night!

Although, as a robot,
I don't do that anyway.

But if I did, I couldn't
because I love you so.

Oh, my darling.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Calculon. Yes, I will!

Maybe she's right about the lipstick.

I'll miss you. You've been like
a brother and then a sister to me.

And now you're getting married.
I love you, man.

The marriage is a scam.
Cool. What's for dinner?

What do you mean, a scam?
I marry Calculon, divorce him...

Take half his money and
turn back into a guy.

It's sort of a
two-Person pyramid scheme.

That's marriage, all right.
That is so unbelievably manipulative!

You never went on a date with a
guy just 'cause you were hungry?

I, uh. I thought I might
like him on a full stomach.

Nice try, sister.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to meet with my wedding planner.

Zoidberg?

Zoidy-Poo?
Please tell me frilly is in this year.

I saw a frilly cake in here you
would remember all your life.

I know I will.

Late at night it taunts
me with its frosted beauty.

Order the cake, damn it!

I have something for you.

A remote control? You got me a TV?

No, my dearest.
It's the remote control to my heart.

It symbolizes the power you
have to sway my emotions.

Will it work on my TV?
We don't need TVs.

We have each other.

Coilette, if I weren't able
to spend my life with you...

I would leap from this very balloon.

Come on with that. Really?
Yes.

We were meant to be.

So you really and truly love me?

So much so that I'm prepared to give
up show business itself to be with you.

But you always said you'd
rather burn down a convent...

Than give up show business.
I always said many things.

But now all I want is a peaceful life in
a quiet villa overlooking a vineyard...

With you.

Would we have donkeys?
All you could eat.

Oh, take me in your arms and
compress me! Compress me tight!

Stop! Let us climb to the heavens...

That the gods themselves might envy us!

I just don't think I can
go through with this scam.

What?
So now you do want to marry him?

No. I just don't want to
hurt him or humiliate him.

Oh, curse this woman's heart!

Ick.

You're falling into the final
debilitating stages of womanhood!

You've waited too long to
switch back, you dingbat!

Okay, look, if I help you with this...

Do you promise to get out
of my gender and stay out?

Uh-Huh.

All right. Now, there's no way to stop
this marriage without hurting Calculon.

But he's an actor. If there's
one kind of pain he can handle...

It's soap opera pain.

Okay, is everyone ready?
Yep!

Check.
Basically.

Dearly beloved actors
and casting people...

Who might be looking for
someone to play a preacher...

I welcome you!

The bride has written some vows...

That we will now all
pretend to be interested in.

Dearest Calculon,
forever is not enough time...

To tell you of the many ways I love you.

Oh, my!
Is there a doctor in--?

I came as soon as I could.

Oh, it appears to be a case
of African hydraulic fever!

Dear God! The very illness my TV
character caught in season two...

When I was holding out for
more money. It's often fatal.

Whatever happens, remember:

The flame of my eternal
love will burn forever.

Of course. But, smoochy-Pops, I thought
one could only catch hydraulic fever...

Deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.

Coilette! You she-Devil!

You really thought you could steal
those diamonds from me and Congo Jack?

Those gems belong to the natives!

Hee-Ya!

Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is!

Why?

Calculon, my darling, your loud "why"
brought me partway back to life.

Congo Jack!
Another shocking twist!

Yes! And I have a message
for you from Col. Matombay.

He says, "This is from Congo Jack. "

Uh, um .

No. No!

N-O-O-O!

I won't leave you.

Not until I'm sure you understand
the thing I said before...

About my eternal love for you burning.

Et cetera.
I do.

I do.
Okay, then.

I'm a doctor. She's dead.

She lives no more.

But let us all find comfort,
knowing that she truly loved me.

To honor my pain, I shall star
in a film dedicated to her memory.

And this time,
the Academy will not deny me.

Not when they see Coilette:
The Calculon Story.

Coilette, your death fills
me with sorrow, anger, fear.

Every emotion an actor can display.

Turn off that crap-O-Rama!

One mistake and Bender
will be trapped forever...

Between the already
ill-Defined robot sexes.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ah!

I hope this taught you a lesson about
changing your sex to win gold medals.

It truly has.

My romance with Calculon has
shown me a lot about myself.

Almost done.
If only somehow, some way...

He and I could drive to Vegas,
pick up some floozy-Bots...

And void their warranties
all night long! Whoo!

Yay! My buddy's home! And his
respect for women is back to normal.

I hoped this experience would have left
you more open to your sensitive side.

Yeah, you'd think,
but what you gonna do?

Coilette, the skies themselves weep...

Upon the sweetest
flower of all the field.

Ew.
Blech.

Sentimental dribble poop!
Come on, Bender, let's go.

This chick flick is
getting me all barfy. Yeah.

Emotions are dumb and should be hated.

Good night forever, my turtledove.

Good night, Calculon.
What did you say?

I said, "You two don't
dress trampy enough! "

I still got it.