03x03 - Hair

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- [BUZZING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[VOMITS]

[CRYING]

[CRYING CONTINUES]

[HORNS HONKING]

[VEERA] Babe. Babe?

I think we're going.
We're going. What is that?

Anyway, I mean, yeah,
it was really painful.

And I was so young.

- Ugh.
- [HORN HONKS]

You know what I mean?

But the one thing that
my mother did right

was not let me hold my baby
in the hospital.

That way I didn't have any
unhealthy attachments to her.

But Leanne, she's right here.

And watching another
woman raise her baby.

I... Blows my mind.

[JULIAN] I know.
But even if it is hers... [SIGHS]

... she seems happy enough to

let Dorothy and Sean
play house with him.

She's not the most stable
ship in the sea, babe.

[JULIAN GRUNTS]

You can see the leaks springing.

Well, what happens if Leanne just

decides to leave one
day and takes her kid?

Then what?

Dorothy is going to look
for her son forever?

[SCOFFS]

Seems like a shitty life.

Mmm. Mmm, you have a point.

Gotta have a legal leg to stand on.

Unless we proved it was Leanne's.

- [SCOFFS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Little old for the pole, sis.

Leave me alone.

I have been tasked with covering

a Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest.

And I'll have you know I'm
definitely not too old to strip.

Oh, would you make sure Leanne

doesn't let Jericho nap too long today?

He wouldn't settle last night.

I'm exhausted, and I'm fairly certain

Marilyn's curves didn't include
heavy bags under her eyes.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Okay.

Oh, tell Sean one of the mothers is

coming by today or tomorrow sometime

to pick up the diaper
bag she left behind.

I'll be sure not to.

Ah.

This would be infinitely improved
with a fifth of vodka.

So would you.

[JULIAN] Amen.

[SIGHS] You taking the kid to Aruba?

No, I'm taking Leanne to the park.

You want to come?
It's a gorgeous f*cking day.

No. I couldn't even
get her down the block.

What makes you think she's gonna
be cool to stroll in the park?

I think she's ready.
We're all making progress.

Pretty soon we'll be a
normal f*cking family.

Yeah.

About that...

I was thinking we should test
Leanne and Jericho's DNA.

Why the hell would we do that?

To know for sure.

And maybe initiate
some adoption proceedings.

Make this whole debacle legal.

Julian, things are good.
Try not to f*ck with it.

You concentrate on you.

- At your place.
- I'm just trying to protect this...

[LEANNE] Protect what?

Sean from himself. He was
talking about a beet latte.

I won't be party to that kind of horror.

I can't find his hat.
I'll be right back.

Julian, could you take him
for a second while I do this?

Oh, I'm covered in kale.
He might be allergic.

Ready?

[CHUCKLING]

[SEAN] I found his sunglasses.

Look how tiny they are.

We don't have to go far.

[SEAN GRUNTS]

[LOUD CHATTERING]

Oh, the flowers. Look.

Look, flowers. Trees.

[SEAN] Did you know you could eat those?

- [LEANNE] You can eat flowers?
- Well, some.

These are dandelions.
The whole thing's edible.

That's mustard flower.
There's a purslane.

Oh.

These make a great chimichurri.

Full of vitamins and omega- s.

You can put it in a soup
or a garnish or stew.

It's nice.

- [BEGGAR] Spare change?
- [SEAN] Sure, let me see what I got.

Oh, yeah.

I want to go home.

["SWEETEST THING ON THIS
SIDE OF HEAVEN" PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[JERICHO COOING]

Careful. It's hot.

[WHISTLES]

Ugh, put your tongue
back in your mouth, Sean.

Not in the mood.

I just found out that
while I'm playing dead diva,

Isabelle is covering the Kaplowitz case.

I think yours sounds more fun, Dorothy.

That's very sweet of you, Leanne.

But trust me, there's nothing
like a good m*rder trial.

And do you know why I
got stuck with Marilyn?

They said I was curvier.
Can you believe that?

Ugh.

You do fill out that dress, Dorothy.

Hey! Stop. You're going
to embarrass Leanne. [CHUCKLES]

This tastes like spring.

[DOROTHY] Soup again, Sean?

I was inspired by our walk.

[LEANNE] It's dandelion soup. It's good.

I'm actually not very hungry.

[JERICHO FUSSES]

I think this dress has
rearranged my organs.

I'm going to go cut myself out of it.

I'll take him for his bath.

- No. I can tell he needs his mommy.
- [JERICHO CRYING]

[JULIAN] What's up with you?

[ROSCOE] Things just aren't
right. I'm not sleeping well.

My wife and I keep getting
in stupid-ass fights.

[JULIAN] You're just coming
off your weird cult high.

You'll ride it out. Trust me,
you just find your new high.

You haven't seen any of
those cult freaks, have you?

They're not messing with you?

[ROSCOE] No. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Why are we out here anyway?

If your sister or Sean see me,
they aren't going to like it.

[JULIAN GROANS] Well, first,

our usual gym smells like an old man

with a incurable staph infection.

[GRUNTS] f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

sh*t. [PANTS]

Oh, f*ck.

[GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

And second, I need you to help me
get Jericho and Leanne's DNA.

Couldn't be simpler.

I already have all the equipment
you'll need. [GRUNTS]

Yeah. You just shove this
up the baby's nose.

No way. Just... Just
get one of those kits.

Ah, you have to register,
use a credit card.

It takes weeks. I need this now.

You'll be compensated more than fairly.

Julian, I'm done playing pet detective.

And don't shove this up anyone's
nose. That's not how it works.

Just this one last thing,
for old times' sake.

[SIGHS]

I'll make a call. For old times' sake.

I got a dude who owes me
a favor. He works in a lab.

But I'm only gonna consult.

I'm not stepping foot in that house,
and you're still gonna pay.

[JULIAN] I don't know
what I'd do without you.

[GRUNTS]

Homeless or hipster? Who's to tell?

[GRUNTS]

Who's that for?

Kids in the park. It looked
like they were starving.

You want to help me bring it out?

No. I have to put Jericho down.

[SIGHS]

Hey!

I got some food.

What is it?

Hope you like it.
It's, uh... pizza al taglio.

It's a basic Pinello tomato sauce,

and I top it off with a whipped lardo,

and I finish it with a...
a grape and onion mostarda.

[SNIFFS]

It's weird, but it's kind of good.

All right, so... Well, look...
No, I'll just, uh...

I'll leave you this.
You guys help yourself.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hair from Leanne
and Jericho. Easy.

Yeah, but it has to have follicles.

And more is better
in case the sample is bad.

[SIGHS] Not as easy.

Well, then you'll love this.
I need it in the next .

He's got a window
to process it this evening.

- Results tomorrow.
- Okay, head over now,

I'll have it ready. Wait, where are you?

[ROSCOE] I'm in a
hospital, seeing a relative.

And bring the cash.

This kind of turnover
isn't cheap, Julian.

I know. Nothing is.

[FRANK] Juju?

[SOBS] Dad?

Help.

Please help us.

[SOBS]

[HUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[GRUNTS] Sorry, kid.

This might sting.

- [GRUNTS]
- [CRYING]

[SHUSHES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Hey. It's okay. [SHUSHES] It's okay.

Oh, come to me. You're fine.
You're fine. It's okay.

f*ck.

[SNIFFS]

[GRUNTS]

- [LEANNE] What are you doing?
- f*ck!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Leanne.

I was... just...

A couple of weeks ago
when we were, you know...

Having sex.

Yes. That.

Um, I...

I lost my watch.

Looks like you found it.

But being in here...

made me realize I miss you.

I miss being close to you. Touching you.

You're lying.

I think about you all the time.

Ow! That hurt.

Sorry. I... I got carried away.

Ow! f*ck!

No, Julian.

I don't know what you're doing,
but I want you to leave.

Now.

[SIGHS]

- [VEERA] Hey!
- [JULIAN] You know that thing I was doing?

I got the kid's hair but
nothing from Leanne.

It's like she never sheds.

[VEERA] Did you try her brush?
And her pillow?

Great idea. Of course I tried that.

So... Okay, maybe get
Dorothy's hair instead?

To... To prove that
she's not the mother.

[STAMMERS] I thought the point was
to prove that it's Leanne's kid,

and then convince her
to hand him over legally?

I've been ruminating on this,

and I don't think anything
is going to change.

Not until Dorothy faces her truth.

After that, steps can be taken
for her to keep the baby.

[INHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS]

- [JERICHO CRYING]
- Hey.

[VEERA] Try the couch cushions.

Dorothy's hairs.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, f*ck. Roscoe's here.

Dorothy's hairs.

Oh, f*ck! There's nothing.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Bingo.

I found her brush.

- I'll call you later.
- Okay.

This was harder than you think.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

[LEANNE] I thought you
were keeping it simple?

What, are you feeding those
squatters again, Sean?

I mean, is that a good idea?
They're like stray cats.

- They'll never leave.
- They're hungry kids, Dorothy.

I'm sorry. I know this
means a lot to you.

[SIGHS] I'm just cranky.

They've got me covering
a pet parade in Eastwick.

Oh! My leopard print.

[KNOCKING]

- Hey.
- Hey, man. Can I use your shitter?

Sure. Follow me.

- There you go.
- Thanks, man.

Sure.

- [RUSTLING]
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

Sean! What if they're casing the place?

One break-in isn't enough for you?

Dorothy. They're not hardened criminals.

It was a kid who needed to sh*t.

We must consider our own child, Sean.

I think we can do both.

Listen, I understand
you feel for these kids...

[LINE RINGS]

- [CARLOS] Hello?
- Hi, Carlos. Cancel the pet parade.

- What do you mean?
- I have our story!

- What? Where?
- Bring the crew to my house.

- Leo too?
- Oh, yeah, Leo too. Of course.

Hi. I'm Dorothy Turner from News.

And I'd really like to talk to you
about your plight.

I'd really like to discuss
your terrible situation.

I'm not trying to scare you.

I just really want other people
to become aware of your plight.

It's no wonder these kids
are distrustful of adults.

We are the architects
of the broken system

that has left them on the streets.

Hi. Hi, what's your name?

[CHUCKLES]

Let's talk to this young man over here.

Excuse me. Hi.

Do you mind if we speak to you?

Can you tell us how long
have you been on the streets?

Since I aged out of foster care.

[GASPS]

That is terrible.

And tell us some of the
obstacles you've faced.

[SIGHS] Yeah, a bunch. I haven't
really been able to find any help.

At least at first.

Not even for my heart problem that...

[JARED] Damn it! I lost picture.

Can we... [SIGHS]

All right.

[CARLOS] We need a different story.

[SIGHS] No.

Sean?

- I'm crafty for the day.
- Hey, man!

Hey, what's going on?
I got you a sandwich.

It's simple. Chicken and cheese.

It's not that simple because
it's, you know,

artisanal cheese from Amish country.

You know, it's on a cracked sourdough...

Get some of that. This is great!

[SEAN] Sandwich? Sandwich?

Why don't you ask him some questions
about what he's doing,

why he's doing it?

- We'll make this a whole family affair.
- Uh-huh.

[CARLOS] Go. Everybody. Go.

Yeah, you could see.
Well, there's your sandwich.

Sandwich?

Dig in. Dig in, dig in.

The plight of these kids is dire.

Ugh, why do I keep saying that word?

But a neighborhood angel has
stepped in with a helping hand,

creating healthy and delicious meals
to feed these homeless youth.

[SEAN] Okay, take it. Sandwich?

All right. Chicken and cheese.

- Thanks for helping. They loved those.
- Sure.

I've been on the streets.

I know what it's like to be hungry.

And I'm just trying to give back.

Look at that. That's your daddy!

Ah, he's going to be a big star.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I don't know about that. [CHUCKLES]

- It'll happen. You'll see.
- [JERICHO FUSSING]

Here. Let me take him, Leanne.

I just wish more people would help,

because I only have two hands.

[LEANNE] Sean, you're doing so
great. The camera loves you.

[SEAN] Aw, thanks, Leanne.

You should have come out.

No, I wouldn't want
to steal your spotlight.

[DOROTHY] Do you feel that what
you're doing here will motivate others?

[SEAN] I hope so.

It's heartbreaking to
see people anywhere

but, um, especially in our community.

Here. This should be my wrap-up.
I was pretty pleased with it.

It's nice and healthy,
grass-fed, pasture-raised...

You got to love it. That's a real hero.

Now here's Courtney with the weather.

Oh. I guess they ran out of time.

[COURTNEY] ... that
Philadelphia will continue...

That was fantastic, darling.
I'm so proud of you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Yeah, so proud.
- Hi.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[DOROTHY] Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, you're not going to
slip on my watch. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Besides, I need it.

Mmm.

Oh, Juju, what's wrong?

And don't try lying to me.
I can always tell.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

I don't want to lose you too, Dottie.

I'm not going anywhere.

Is this about Mom?

I... I want you to keep... the baby.

Of course, I'm keeping Jericho.

What are you worried about?

[GROANS]

What is that?

I had Jericho's DNA tested.

What?

- Why?
- And yours.

Julian, what is going on?

Jericho isn't your baby.

Of course Jericho is my baby.

What is going on with you?

- Oh, God, are you using again?
- [GRUNTS]

Oh, Juju, we'll get you proper help
this time. Someplace nice.

- We are all here to support you.
- You don't understand.

I saw Jericho.

I saw him... [SOBS]

I saw him when I d*ed.

He was there with me.

He's gone, Dottie.

I tested your hair and his.

Jericho is not your baby.

This proves it.

Okay, I believe you.

I believe you saw something.

That was a terrible night.

- Dottie.
- And you aren't fully recovered yet.

You need more time.

I see that now.

Dottie.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get the door.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOROTHY] Hi.

- [WOMAN] Hey, can I pick up my bag?
- [DOROTHY] Of course, of course.

Yes. Come in.

Leanne! Do we know where
Brooke's diaper bag is? [CHUCKLES]

[DOROTHY SIGHS]

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Hope it's all there.

[BROOKE CHUCKLES]

- [DOROTHY] That was so chaotic.
- [BROOKE] Mmm.

[DOROTHY] You didn't get stung, did you?

[BROOKE] I'm fine. No biggie. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, that's my brush.

Huh.

Must have fallen out. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, great. All here.

- Thanks again.
- Yeah, yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Do you need anything else, Dorothy?

Uh... No, thank you, Leanne,

I'm just going to speak with my brother.

[DOOR CLOSES]

That was her brush.

I see.

You took her hair, not mine.

That's why your report was wrong.

Julian.

Never do anything like that again.

It was a serious breach of trust.

Yeah, I won't.

I promise.

[PLAYING MELANCHOLY PIANO TUNE]

[PIANO STOPS]