07x07 - The Six Million Dollar Mon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

♪

people, as company bureaucrat,

I will today be conducting
the annual performance review.

With a twist.

(All gasp)

Oh, no.
The f*ring tie.

Correct. I will be evaluating
each of you,

and the lowest-rated employee,
possibly Zoidberg,

will be fired at sundown.
Zoidberg.

(Laughs) Classic Hermes.

Let the interviews begin.

Good luck,
everybody but Zoidberg.

My primary duties?

Well, I assist the Professor
in whatever important research

he happens to be engaged in.

(Snoring)

Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure

to snore that science lamp
right away.

(Snores)

Now, Leela,
couldn't we just fire you

and have Fry or Bender
fly the ship?

Not if you stand on their
air hose much longer.

Noted.

(Air hisses)

(Both scream)

My job?

Toilets 'n' boilers,
boilers 'n' toilets.

Plus that one boiling toilet.

Fire me iffen you dare.

Now, then, while many
of you do half-ass jobs

and the rest do jobs
whose ass ratio ranges

from 42% to a mere 11%,
only the most

pathetically useless employee
will be fired today.

And that employee is...

Hermes Conrad.

What?! No way! Hermes, no!

Yes. My performance review
proves the main drag

on our profit is the time
I waste on performance reviews.

But you can't fire yourself now.

We were just getting
to know each other.

I've already notified
the central bureaucracy.

(Doorbell rings)

They'll be here two seconds ago.

I suppose you're here
to tell me to pack it in?

Only if you buy me
dinner first.

(All laugh)

I'm being fired.

I don't think it's appropriate
to joke around like that.

You're right, Hermes.

Meet mark 7-G,

the machine who's replacing you.

I'm mark 7-G, the machine
who's replacing you.

(Sighs) Will you be
conducting an exit interview?

Well, I wouldn't say no

to a little
friendly debriefing.

(All laugh)

Bureaucrat Conrad,
you are ordered

to relieve yourself of duty.

Sounds like a party.

(All laugh)

Good-bye.

(Sighs)

(Computer whirs, buzzes)

Well, this is it.

But I want you
to know working here

has been the experience
of a lifetime.

Off you go.

So, I hear you're a machine...
ow! Traitor!

My friend's ample tuchus
is barely out the door,

and you're already schmoozing
up to his replacement?

Um, Zoidberg?

I don't think Hermes
really liked you.

In fact, he hated you more
than anyone ever hated anyone.

What, you mean the remarks
and the hits?

That was just friend teasing.

Oy.

You don't understand.

He was the only one
who cared enough to insult me.

I insult you, you fat sack.

Sure, when it's convenient.

But Hermes
was always there for me.

And now he's gone,

thanks to you,
Mr. bigshot 7-G.

(Sniffles)
I'll never see Hermes again.

On the bright side,

I'll never see Zoidberg again.

Aw, there, there, husband.

I made your favorite,
curried goat.

It better be spicy.

(Sizzles)

Well played.

Ows.

(Robots screaming)

Ah. Fire.

Aah! It burns! It burns!

Hmm, not bad.

Needs a little hot sauce.

(Sighs) I just don't know
how we'll get by.

Then I guess this
wouldn't be a good time

to tell you that I'm pregnant.

What?!

And you're not the father. No!

(Laughs)
I'm just joking, husband.

See now? Things don't seem
so bad any more, do they?

You're right.
Thank you, Labarbara.

Oh, also, I wrecked the car.

(Both gasp)
This here is a mugging!

Hand over your skin.

My ebony splendor?

Me don't think so.

I said hand it over.
I'm hungry!

Ha-haw! Ha-haw!

(Both gasping)

For God's sake, woman,
just give him your skin!

Can't you see he's crazy?!

You calling me cra... zy?!

Ain't nothing crazy about me
but my brain.

Right, brain?

Right!
No, not you, right brain.

Right, left brain?
Right!

Okay, then. Ha-haw!

Do something, Hermes.

I can't!
When I fight machinery,

machinery always wins!

Officer:
Freeze, bagwad.

(Robot screams)

You're under arrest for
attempted epidermicide.

I'm coming for you, man.
Ain't no jail can hold me.

That's why
you're going straight

to the electromagnetic chair.

And then I'm-a s*ab it.
Ha-haw!

(Siren wails)

(Magnets hum)

S-s-stop!
It's driving me sane!

(Screaming)

Hey, Bender,

you should become
an executioner.

You could k*ll humans
and wear a cool hood.

Nah, I like my victims to
know who did it. Psst!

Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent
to see you.

We need to
talk... alone.

Okay, Hermes. Sure.

Fry, could you come in here

and help me rub on this
new scented body oil?

In a second.
I'm eavesdropping.

Please, Fry?

Leela punishes me
when I don't use enough.

I said not now!

Sure, I know a guy.

(Siren wails, dog howls)

Yuri here runs
the most sanitary

surgical implant parlor
in Filthytown.

So, I hear you're an expert in

the shadowy field
of "body augmentation".

I am expert in shadowy field
of many things.

I need something that'll make me
less inferior

to today's modern machinery.
Can you help me?

No problem.
I prepare operating room.

(Cat yowls)

Hermes:
Oh, honey, I'm home!

Pops?!

Is that a harpoon
in your chest?

Yes. And I'm happy to see you.

Mmm...

And the best part is,
the whole package fits neatly

in the space
where my giblets used to be.

I'm kind of a harpoon snob,

and let me say,
that thing is gorgeous.

But do you really need
chest a*tillery?

It's not just a w*apon.

It's the bureaucrat's
best friend. Observe.

(Sing-songy):
Oh, mark 7-g?

Would you mind
fetching that carton

from the top shelf?

(Grunting)

(Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.

Okay, little man,

let a professional bureaucrat
show you how it's done.

My best wasn't good enough.

I'll need my personnel
file, please.

Welcome back, old friend.

I missed you terribly.

You do everything terribly.

And I'm not your friend.

(Laughs) Good old Hermes.

When he stops insulting,
that's when I worry.

Oh, dear!

I was leaning over the sink
eating pureed clams

when my teeth fell
in the disposal.

Scruffy, could you
retrieve them?

'Taint a boiler
nor a toilet. Pass.

(Sighs)
I'll fetch my hand tools.

Hand tools? Why don't you get an
extendo-arm implant, like mine?

(Whirring)

Oh, no.
No more implants.

I don't want to end up a cold,
emotionless machine like you.

That's sweet, Hermes.

Maybe I should get
an extendo-arm.

How long will it take to
install an extendo-arm?

I have golf game in half-hour,
so... half-hour.

(Grunts)

(Garbled):
Thank you, Hermes.

I don't know.
It seems like a lot of trouble

to cut off your arm
just to snake a drain.

Ah-ah-ah, it's not
just a drain snake.

It comes with a set
of interchangeable accessories.

Jackhammer...

Vegetable peeler...

Pipe-bending jig.

A machine that can bend?
No way.

But, Hermes, old friend,
didn't you say

you were through
with the implants?

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.

Such a mild insult.

That's not my Hermes.
Speaking of...

What happened to your
cutoff body parts anyhow?

Right here.

I was going to donate them
to the salvation air force,

but they're starting to rot.

Then I'll just take
them and, uh,

throw them away,
shall I why not?

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.

So, friend, welcome to my home.

I'm very proud of it.

But I want to hear
what you think.

"Oh, mon, I'm Hermes,
and I think it stinks in here

like a green snake, or
something else that's Jamaican."

(Laughs)
Good one at my expense, Hermes.

Mmm, well, I must
admit it's not bad.

And it will cut
two or three hours a day

off my cornrowing routine.

Yes, our lives
will never be the same.

Darn it!

I'll be right back.

(Snoring)

Ooh!

Hermes, oh, you foolish man,

what do you need
a cylon eye for?

Now, calm down, dear.

You know, you look
even hotter in infrared.

(Moaning, smooching)

(Whirring)

Aah!

Husband, some things were
not meant to be cylonned.

Now, you must promise me

you won't be getting
any more upgrades.

I promise.

(Oohing and aahing)

Wow.

Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes.

(Grunts, stammers)

So, with all these implants,
what exactly

is the difference
between you and a robot?

I still have one thing no
robot shall ever have...

a good old flesh-and-
blood human brain.

Yes, a big, smart brain.

Not like dum-dum Zoidberg,
right, Hermes? Right?

Mecha-Hermes has no interest
in such nonsense.

Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember
to save the trimmings for me?

Yes, yes, doctor.
Right here.

(Squealing)

Wait. You're not eating my
discarded flesh, are you?

How could you even
ask such a thing?

Of course, I tried eating you,
but your flesh was too spicy.

Thanks to years of Labarbara's
curried goat, no doubt.

But my mecha-stomach
has no need of goat.

Mecha-Hermes has spoken!

Mecha-Hermes still
wants to know

what you're doing
with his pieces.

Something wonderful.

Florp:
Give it way up

for Dr. Zoidberg
and little Hermes.

(Cheering and applause)

Hello. Hello.

So, little Hermes,

did you hear
I've taken up running?

"Yeah, from restaurant
to restaurant.

Ho ho, mon."

(Audience laughing)

"Seriously, though,
have you lost weight?"

Yes.

"Looks like you found it again."

(Laughs)

(Audience laughing)

Oh, boy.

That was quite a zinger,
old friend.

"I'm not your friend.

I'm out of here the second
you let go of my bowels."

(Audience laughing)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll be here all week.

"You've been warned, people."

(Laughs) He's good.

I can only see one of his
four mouth-tendrils moving.

So, Mr. Conrad, did
you enjoy the show?

Alas, no.

Seeing what I once was
filled me with regret.

You could always
undo your implants.

Regret that I still
have one human part.

That meat puppet disgusts me.

It's time for
the ultimate upgrade.

But the only thing you
haven't upgraded is your brain.

Exactly.

(All gasping)

Oops. (Gasps)

Robot brain implant? Never.

No one in right mind
would do that.

(Laughing wildly)

Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.

Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.

Step aside.

Bing-reka!

The brain circuit.

Come, fellows.

Let's go home and install it.

Enjoy eternity
without your brain,

anonymous dead robot.

(Bender chuckling)

(Wind howling)

(Electrical buzzing)

So, little Hermes, are you ready
to watch some brain surgery?

"I'm ready to sh**t myself
if it'll get me off your lap."

(Laughing)

Open the dome

and unleash the power
of the heavens!

(Clanking)

(Birds chirping)

Ah, now I can see
what I'm doing.

Commence the operation!

Labarbara:
Terminate the operation.

Labarbara? Dwight?

I just got an urgent text
from little Hermes.

You can't do this thing.

You don't even know
whose brain that is.

It doesn't matter.

Any robot brain
will improve my fitness

as a husband and father.

You can't be a
husband and father

if you don't have
a wife and son.

Wait.

I care about you
too much to lose you.

But my new robot brain won't.

Commence the operation.
(All gasping)

Well you'll have to commence it

without me, Hermes.

And commence living without me.

Because I will commence
divorce proceedings.

Oh, I hope to God
I'm using that word correctly.

Oh, I can't do this, Hermes.

Your wife's moving plea
has made me realize

you might have
litigious survivors.

Oh, thank you, Professor.

Come now. Let's go try
that Korean noodle place

you were telling me about.

There will be no noodles until
the operation is complete.

(Whirring)

You can't force me to operate.

Maybe not, but perhaps
I can encourage you

with my encouragement drill.

Zoidberg:
Wait.

I'll perform the surgery.

You? With those clumsy claws?

It's true, old friend.

My claws are too clumsy
for such delicate work.

"But mine aren't."

You, mon, give me
that robot brain.

And you, metal guy, lie down.

Zoidberg, this makes no sense.

Why are you helping him?
(Drumbeat playing)

And what's that catchy b*at?

I'll tell you.
Two, three...

♪ I was lonesome for my friend
a minute ago ♪

♪ When a happy thought
dispelled my woe ♪

♪ And I felt perhaps he'd be
a bit less dull ♪

♪ If I sliced up
his cyborg skull ♪

♪ He wants a brain

♪ he wants a robot brain

♪ another brain

♪ let's see if he feels pain ♪

♪ A brand-new brain

♪ it might drive him insane

♪ he wants a brain

♪ he wants a robot brain

♪ wa-ooh

♪ wa-wa-ooh...

Does anyone else find it freaky

that Zoidberg is singing
harmony with himself?

Oh, loosen up, Amy.

My condolences, Labarbara.

I hope you find some comfort

in staring at this throbbing
mass of nerve tissue.

(Sobbing):
Oh, he's gone!

Oh, Zoidberg, what
have you done?

I'll tell you what I've done.

I've brought your husband back.

(Slurps)

(All gasping) Pops.

Sweet reawakenin'...
Of me, a Jamaican-in.

Hermes, you're alive.

And practically rhyming.

Wife, son, I am so sorry.

Once I started
upgrading myself,

I lost all control.

But I see now

that if you can't be man enough
with your own parts,

no amount of machinery
will help.

Not so fast.

(All gasping)

But faster than that!

It's that insane
robot, Roberto.

(All screaming)

Quick, Hermes, the keys.

I left them in my other body.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm-a stick 'em
in your pancreas

till I find one that opens it.
(Laughs)

(Frightened yelping)

(Roberto yelling ŕ LA Tarzan)

(All screaming)

I'm gonna peel off your skin
and eat it like pencil shavings.

(Gasps)

Ow!

Thank God Zoidberg
didn't reattach my nerves.

Mmm, that's tasty.

Too tasty.

(Whimpers)

It burns. It... it burns!

(Screaming)

What's happening?

The spicy curried goat.

Hermes' skin is so
saturated with it

that it's dissolving
the bad robot.

In the end, all his implants

were no match for my wife's
reckless seasoning.

Now, husband, don't you
think you owe Zoidberg

a thank-you for saving
you from yourself?

But I hate him.

Honey, we all do.

But fair is fair.

(Clears throat)

Zoidberg, I... I know we
have never been friends,

but I appreciate what you did.

Thank you.

Never been friends?

Ouch! What a zinger.

Well, here's one for you,
Mr. not-my-friend Conrad.

(Grunts)

You acted like a big jerk.

You were selfish and stupid,
and you don't deserve

a wife like Labarbara
or a friend like me.

(Laughing)

It's funny because it's mean.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'll be here forever.

♪ Wa-ooh

♪ wa-wa-ooh...

Ugh. He's doing it again.

♪ Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh...