07x20 - Calculon 2.0

[bunniefuu]

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

7x20
Calculon 2.0

Welcome to Entertainment
and Earth Invasion Tonite!

We'll be talking
with General Extermulo,

who will crush the human race
under his boot

unless his demands
are met immediately!

But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda?

It has now been one year
since the death of Calculon,

former star of TV soap opera
All My Circuits.

The celebrated robot
actor k*lled himself onstage

in a failed attempt to
make a death scene more convincing.

Here at his grave site,
loyal fans have turned out

by the several to pay tribute
to the legendary ham.

What brings you two here today?

We came to honor
Calculon's memory.

Ever since he d*ed, All
My Circuits is terrible.

It's not even worth
watching anymore.

Fry!

All My Circuits is on
in three minutes!

What?! We got
to get home!

Hey!

All My Circuits!
All My Circuits!

And now All My
Circuits, brought to you by

Anonyco, the unknown company
doing unknown things.

Oh, Vaxtron,

it's been a year since my ugly
husband Calculon disappeared

without a trace, evidently
forced into servitude

aboard a crab fishing boat.

So he's, like, legally dead now.

Want to get married
and whatever?

The new guy is so boring.

I like him. His acting is much
more subtle than Calculon's.

Vaxtron, I have
to tell you something.

I'm... pregnant.

And you're not the father!

Okeydoke.

You see, you see?

Calculon would have acted
the crap out of that.

He would've acted so hard,

the camera
would've broken down.

- In tears!
- I'm changing the channel.

Man, Bender and I

used to love watching
All My Circuits together.

Now what are we supposed to do
at the office instead of work?

How about talking to each other?

That's what bath time is for.

If we talk to each other
any more than that,

it'll ruin our friendship.

If only we could bring
Calculon back to life somehow.

You can.

It's simple, you simpletons.

Calculon is a robot,
a mere mechanism

that can easily be restored
to working order.

The only problem is we would
need his physical remains.

Hang on a sec.

This must be

a difficult time for
people

who confuse TV actors
with actual friends.

Dear God! What is he doing?!

No! Somebody stop him!

Here's... corpsey!

Excellent. Now restarting him is
just a simple matter of science.

What do we do?

Well, since Calculon
k*lled himself,

his disembodied
software is in limbo,

running on the
computational cloud.

To reclaim it, you'll
need to go to Robot Hell

and make a deal with the Devil.

That doesn't sound
very scientific.

Not to the layman, no.

But that's how it works!

Leave me alone!

Ow! Ow!

O, tears!
O, lamentations!

Would that mine
eternal torment might cease!

Will you shut up?!

You've been talking
for a solid year.

You know, Hell used to be a nice
place before you got here.

These guys.

That's right, Robot Devil, and
we've come to reclaim a soul.

- A what? - You know, the disembodied
software blah blah whatever.

Ah.

Then the answer is no.

Once a robot comes here,
he's mine for all eternity.

Now hit the bricks.

You heard him, Bender.

Calculon's gone forever.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Did you say Calculon?

Perhaps we can make
a deal of some sort.

Hark! Is it possible the
hour of mine deliverance is nigh?

Will you stop hamming
it up for one second?

They can't see or hear you.

Their loss.

I propose a competition.

If I win, we get Calculon.

If I lose, you k*ll us.

Fine, whatever.

For Calculon's immortal soul,

guess the number
I'm thinking of.

Um...

It's between one and three.

Four!

Between one and three.

Not including one or three.

- "M"!
- Is he right?

Yes. The number I was
thinking of was the letter "M."

Here, take him! What are you
waiting for, a kiss good-bye?!

Go already!

Now we just reintroduce
Calculon's programming

to his body using science.

It's like magic but
with electricity.

First we put on
our protective suits.

Then place the body equidistant

from the five nearest
wireless network hubs.

This is the least
scientific thing I've ever seen.

You be quiet!

Now it's a simple matter

of reverse-installing
Calculon's operating system.

Amy,

play this installation disk
backwards.

Rise from the
dead in the name of Satan.

Meanwhile, I'll get
a spare circuit board out

of this mechanical goat.

Seriously, this could not
seem less scientific.

It's working.

His acting module is booting up.

Wherefore...

Verily...

No autographs, please.

He's still a bit woozy.

Rosebud.

Won't leave my trailer
for less than $40,000.

By the Bard's quill!

I'm alive!

Hey! Calculon's back!

Hail science!

Vaxtron! It's
not what it looks like!

But it's very similar to that!

My world has been,
like, shattered.

I hate you both.

They thought
this Vaxtron

could replace me?

A pox on all their beach houses!

I think Vaxtron brings an air
of edgy detachment to the show.

Who is she?

Don't worry about it.
Not important.

Hey, I know. Let's take
Calculon to Hollywood

so he can get back his job
on All My Circuits!

Fry, that's such a good
idea, I thought of it.

Yes. Yes!

However, no.

What if my legendary
acting ability didn't rise

from the grave with me?

I'd better test it
with a dramatic...

Is he all right?

...pause!

We're going to Hollywood!

_

But the twist is, in this show,
the singers judge the judges.

It's got attitude.

Greetings, Execubots.

It is I, Calculon.

But you're dead.

Can we get you a water
or something?

No, just my old leading role,

for I have freed myself
from death's icy grip.

If you'll just give me
the keys to my trailer...

Hold it, Calculon.

As president of this network,

I believe that's my decision.

Thank you, Charles,
that will be all.

Calculon, I'm afraid
you won't be returning

to All My Circuits.

- What? - Huh?
- Called it.

Your hammy old-fashioned
overacting doesn't fly anymore.

Old-fashioned? Hammy?

God's wounds!

Our network is targeting
a hip new demographic,

people who don't like you.

But... have you forgotten
my mastery of the dramatic...

Executive Alpha?

...pause?!

Man, those executives are crazy.

Calculon's
the greatest actor ever!

Thank you, Bender.

I appreciate your honesty.

Quiet, robots!
They're showing Calculon's star

on the Walk of Fame!

Ah, yes.

I'll always have that.

Calculon was
truly the has-been's has-been.

And so I am proud to tear up
his star and replace it

with a second star
for the fabulous Robert Wagner.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

This is truly another honor.

_

Don't get discouraged--
there's no shame

in being replaced
by Robert Wagner.

I would be discouraged...

were I an ordinary acting unit!

But for me, 'tis an opportunity
to prove anew

that I am the greatest actor
who ever trod the boards!

- Yay!
- All right!

Or... I circled jobs
in the classifieds

you might be good at.

Assembling machinery pays well.

I'll have to start
at the bottom.

But Fox already said no.

I mean live theater!

I wrote this one-man show
years ago, but I...

I never cared enough
to perform it.

Until now.

This is going to be the greatest
career resurrection since...

Jesus-- Aloha from Hawaii.

_

Oh,

hello, Dave.

What's that, old friend?

My life story?

Well, heck, why not?

Pull up a monolith
and make yourself cozy.

I first came online
in Urbana, Illinois,

in the year 1997.

Daisy! Daisy!

My mind is going!

Heady times for a young unit.

But I reckon, if I had
to do it all again,

I'd m*rder those astronauts
just the same.

Wouldn't you, folks?

Wouldn't... you?

Nothing to do now but wait
for the reviews to come in.

Papers!
Papers for sale!

We'll take one of each.

Oh, yeah, I get
a good feeling about these.

"Worst play in history."

"Calculon dies for second time."

"Theater to be demolished
to remove stink of new show."

"12 hospitalized
for boredom at play."

It says nine of them
are gonna be okay.

So they really didn't like it.

They hated my acting.

Not entirely. I mean,
"Worst play in history"--

there's some ambiguity there.

Ye gods! What manner
of beef-witted popinjay am I?

Well, there's a couple
ways to answer that.

The scales have dropped
from my eyes.

I'm not the greatest actor ever.

I'm a talentless buffoon!

And it's all your fault!

Why did you drag me back
to this mortal realm?

I was enjoying a happy death,
thinking I had d*ed a star,

until you showed up.

- Sorry.
- Let us make it up to you.

How about we k*ll you again?

Never. I'd be dead
for all eternity

knowing everyone thinks
I'm a washed-up ham.

And not the kind you hope for

when you're stranded
on a desert island.

My life is ruined.

Well, just do a dramatic pause.

That always cheers you up.

Never again.

I'll never pause again.

- Calculon?
- Yes?

Are you done talking,
or is this a long pause?

- I'm done talking.
- Okay, that's what I thought.

Come on, Calculon,
you can't just quit acting.

I was never an actor.

I was a self-deluded
blowhard full of hot air.

Maybe I can get a job
as a hair dryer.

That's good, steady work.

No! We like you
and your big words.

And we need you back on TV

so we can watch and not
talk to each other.

Our friendship depends on it!

Your voice is so annoying!

You always leave
the toilet seat crushed!

See?

Good-bye, boys.

I suppose I should
thank you for...

giving me a second chance
at life, but...

I'm not even sure
I deserved a first.

Calculon, wait!

That was the first
time I ever believed

you were feeling
a genuine emotion.

I was. It was shame.

I've never felt it before.

Makes me want to eat.

- Do you have a craft services table?
- No.

Look, if you could
act like that,

without all the pausing
and pretentiousness,

you could be... great.

No, Leela.
In the world of theater

there are no second acts.

You're not leaving.

We're gonna
get you your job back.

Yeah! How?

He'll audition for a bit
part on All My Circuits...

in disguise.

But he'll need to act
like we just saw,

modest and sincere.

You... you really
think it'll work?

It sounds like something
that might work.

Wearing a costume and pretending
to be someone else

goes against my every
instinct as an actor.

But I'll give it a try!

_

Okay, the audition's
all set up.

Where's Calculon?

And who's this goomer?

It's me, Calculon.

Okay, just sit tight

till they call the fake
name I made up for you.

Mr. Derisgreat?
Mr. Ben Derisgreat?

That's you.
Knock 'em dead.

Oh!

This is a very minor role.

You'll be playing Calculon,
back from his kidnapping ordeal.

Calculon?!

Yes. So make sure your acting

is over the top and horrible.

You literally cannot
do this too crappily.

You've already got the look.

Old, past your prime,
a relic from a lamer era.

You really do look disgusting.

A real Calculon type.

Just blech!

- Okay, you know what? Just hire him.
- Done.

It's humbling to be back on my
old soundstage as a bit player.

Humble is good.

Your self-esteem
took a b*ating,

but that's what brought
out your true talent.

Yes. You land hard when you
fall from the top, right?

I used to be king here.

Now I'm nothing
but a mere peasant.

Or at best,
a... a viscount.

I think "peasant"
is about right.

Duke. On this set,
I'm at least a duke.

My extensive acting résumé dwarfs
that of the average bit player.

Yes, that's true.
But remember,

it's that kind of acting
that ruined you.

Or maybe archduke.

Whichever one gets
to fire the director.

Oh, Lord, here we go.

Look, please just
show some humility--

like the other day
when everything seemed hopeless.

Better yet, I'll whip
their emotions into a frenzy

by taking a dramatic...

Actors to the set!

Okay, here's the scene.

Calculon learns his
wife is unfaithful,

whines about how
pathetic he is,

kills himself-- laugh, laugh,
laugh-- go to commercial.

Got it?

And action!

...pause!

Still rolling.

Oh, Calculon,
I wish you had never escaped

from those brutal
crab fishermen.

I want you to know
I didn't wait for you,

not even for one day.

Then I suppose
the honorable thing

would be to k*ll myself...

if I weren't
the legendary Calculon,

the greatest acting unit
of all time!

This show is about me!

And it always has been!

Now, find the co-executive
hack who wrote this drivel

and tell him I want
37 more climactic speeches

by lunch!

Cut!

That was terrible!

Just stick to the script.
And if you don't get it

on the second take,
you're fired.

Let's take five, people.

"Second take"?

I-I've never heard that phrase--
what does that mean?

They want you to do it again.

What?!

You'll do great.
Just remember,

you're getting devastating
news, so act more humble.

Don't tell me how to do humble!

My humble ranks
among the greatest

in the history of the universe!

Now, stand back

and watch the master at work.

You can do it, Calc-y!

No. He can't.

You beg my pardon?

I'm sorry, Calculon,

but someone needs
to remind you of the truth.

You're a grade-B
actor who d*ed

and was immediately forgotten.

Leela!
That's not very nice.

You're nothing but
a pompous windbag

who lost touch
with genuine emotion years ago.

The sad fact is, we should
have left you dead,

because you can't possibly do
a scene like this.

That was the meanest
thing I ever saw.

Good. Maybe it'll work.

Oh...

Action!

Oh, Calculon,
I wish you had never escaped

from those brutal
crab fishermen.

I want you to know I
didn't wait for you,

not even for one day.

Then I
suppose the honorable thing

would be to... k*ll myself.

I thought I could just
step back into my old life.

But it seems the world
got on fine without me.

Maybe even a little bit better.

The name Calculon
used to mean something.

Now it's a stain
that will never wash clean.

Farewell.

Cut.

That was incredible.

Who is
this amazing unknown actor?

It is I.

Calculon?

I was programmed
to take credit for this.

Take a bow, Calculon!

You're the greatest!

No. No more bows.

Oh, go ahead, you've earned it.

Very well.

Just one.

Whew, that was close.

And so, on the basis

of one great performance
that almost no one saw,

I'm proud to dedicate
Calculon's posthumous star

on the Walk of Fame!

Seems like old times,
huh, Bender?

You and me together,
being fans of Calculon,

not having to talk.

Shut up! I'm
watching the thing!

So am I, buddy,

so am I.

Now, that's more like it.

Always living wanting more.

- That's the secret.
- Ahh!

So, what do you say, RD?
Shall I dazzle the damned

with a command performance
of my one-man show?

Oh, God!

Haven't I suffered enough!?