10x12 - Max Caenen in: Why Would He Know If His Mother's a Size Queen

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

[Thunder crashes]
[Cackles]

[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

[Music]

Man: It's alive!

[Music]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Music]

[Deep voice] I don't know what
happened to my voice, Dave.

Just look at the flowers, Alvin.

[Revolver cocks]
[Music]

[g*nsh*t]

Who's next?

- Run, Theodore!
- Shiiiiit!

Lady of the Lake,

King Arthur lies dying from battle

and would see Excalibur
returns to you,

so when a new king arises,

he shall find Excalibur waiting.

[Music]
[Grunts]

Oh, bollocks.
Uh...

[Fingers snap]

Excalibur!

Blazes.

Oh, are you getting
frustrated, magic arm?

There's just as much lake
over here.

Come here to the sword,
magic arm.

[Fingers snap]

Have you ever tried
throwing a sword?

The center of balance
betrays the throw. Have pity.

Oh, bloody right.

I'm going to get the sword,
and I'm going to cut

the [bleep] magic arm
off of you,

you [bleep] lake
with an arm on it.

You [bleep] [bleep].

Oh! Right!

[Bleep] come here,
you [bleep] bitch!

Percival, God has laid
his grace upon me,

for I have recovered, and I...

- Oh, shit.
- Jesus [bleep]!

Get back here!
Ow!

Narrator: And so
Legend of Excalibur lives on.

This one's a bit of a fixer-upper
but has excellent curb appeal.

- I'll take it.
- You don't want to see the inside?

Are you kidding?
It's a skull!

I'm a skull!
Oh, come on.

I'll give you 15% over listing.

[Jet engine roars in distance]

[Sighing] Oh, shit.
I'm under a [bleep] flight path.

I'll take it!

[Music]

Happy birthday, Ronald!
Make a wish!

[Chuckling] Yes!
Now that's a Happy Meal. [Chuckling]

[Rapid chiming]

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Come on.
- This is a library. Shh!

[Chiming]
Study.

Where were you
carrying those?

- Leave the library!
- Shh.

The Mirror of Erised

shows us our heart's
most desperate desire.

- Boobs.
- Titties.

- Boobs.
- Tits.

- Boobs.
- Boobs.

- Titties.
- Boobs.

- [Whimpering]
- What is it you see, Harry?

Oh, um, I s-s-saw
my parents.

W-What do you see, Professor?

[Music]

Socks...
Thick woolen socks.

- [Moaning]
- [Telephone rings]

Charles Fort speaking.
Roosevelt here.

There's a most
unfortunate ordeal

developing in the Pine Barrens.
[Music]

Ah, the Jersey Devil.

Yes, the unfortunate creature
must be acting up

because it's mating season.
I'm on my way!

Duty calls, my dear.

Every monster just needs
a solid whopping.

[Music]

Perfect landing.

Here, chicky, chicky, chicky!

[Music]

Aah!

[Music]

Oh!

You like it rough, eh?

Ha ha!

Care for a bunch of fives,
you rambunctious hoyden?

[Music]

Bup, bup!

Bup! Whoa!

Now, a bit of hug...

ought to subdue
your beastly nature.

[Music]

Wow, once again, music
tames the savage beast,

and by music,
I mean my prodigious engine.

[Growls]

Oh, come to take a whack
of the white staff, have you?

Well, come forth then, lusty goblin!

I've got two ripe ghoulies
waiting for you!

[Growls]

[Ding!]

Why?
Why did I not figure this out?

Why would aliens look like apes?

Why would I,
a NASA-trained astronaut,

not recognize the night sky?

Why would aliens speak English?

So stupid, stupid maniac!

I carry a big g*n,
and I won't treat you gently,

so tell me, Fabrizio,

- where is the skinny Sicilian?
- [Knocks on door] Frank, it's time.

[Music]

Come on, man.
You're Frank [bleep] Castle.

You're a star.
You're a big, bright, shining star.

Yep.
Here's your problem.

Gross.
Is there more than one?

Mm. There's 802 of them.
You gotta catch them all.

Ugh, how much is
that going to cost?

Ah, yeah.
Mm, yeah...

Woman: Wheres my little
honey, Derek?

Geez, Mom!
Knock first!

I-I-I'm sorry, Derek.
I just wanted to say good night.

Ugh, good night.

[Door slams]

Mm, yeah.
Yeah...

Don't forget
to set your alarm...

Oh, my God! Derek!

[Screams]

I said, "Knock"!

- Aah!
- Good catch, loser.

Ugh.

All: Boo-yah!

- 'Sup, blood?
- What's shaking?

The Koosh Kins...
from the '90s?

Yeah, nice memory, home slice.

Get ready to join the cool leagues!

[Music]

♪ Hey, what's up, everyone, we're from Planet Koosh ♪
- ♪ Koosh! ♪

- ♪ If you never heard of it, you're a douche ♪
- ♪ D-D-D-D-Douche! ♪

♪ We've returned to Earth
to help you get cool ♪

♪ You got to roll with us, dog,
don't be a fool ♪

♪ Give me a slice, dog,
and we'll get you pimping ♪

♪ Hey, you the b*mb,
but you, you be tripping ♪

Trish, I'm really sorry
for what's about to happen.

♪ Hey, shorty, what's up,
you looking so fat, boo ♪

♪ I'm pumped for tonight,
see you in the chat room ♪

You are ruining everything!
[Screams]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's up? Wait, wait, wait.

- Guys, are we, like, no longer with it?
- Well, that kid is whack, homes.

Let's hit Blockbuster

and rent the latest
Pauly Shore movie.

- Word!
- Word!

Man: It puts the lotion
on its skin,

or it gets the hose.

I've got to stop
using this temp agency.

Is it weird I used
to kidnap your girlfriend?

Eh.

Welcome, X-Men,
to your first day.

When did you gifted youngsters
learn you were gifted?

Hi, my name is Scott Summers.

I realized I had optic blast
when I survived a plane crash.

Great. Now I will use my psychic
powers to show that moment.

What now?

I love you,
Victoria's Secret catalog.

Oh, oh! Aaaaaah!
Wow!

Uh... I, uh... Wh-What?

- That never...
- It's okay, Scott.

Mutant abilities emerge
during puberty.

Who's next? Bobby.

Holy shit.
I don't want to do this.

Look, let's just say
I was being bullied,

- and I turned a bully into ice.
- Excellent, Bobby.

Now let's see it
on the big board.

Okay, I'm already dropping out,
so... s-so don't!

Cool, everyone is asleep.

Good thing I've packed
my Victoria's Secret...

Ugh!

- God damn it!
- Who's next? Jean.

[Music]

I re-enroll.
Bobby is back in.

- Go ahead.
- Goodness.

Well, I suppose maybe it
happened during, um,

a slumber party pillow fight?

Yeah, it did. Yeah.

And then my top
accidentally came off,

and I could hear
the other girls' thoughts,

and that is when I knew.

Show it. Show it.
Show it. Show it. Show it!

Thank you, Jean.
Let's take a looky-loo.

This shrimp cocktail is delicious,

but I wish I had a napkin.
Oh, there's one.

[Gasps] Oh, neat.
I have special powers.

Oh, no.
I think the shrimp was...

Oh, gross!

- Turn it off!
- No, no.

Youngster Jean waited patiently
through your vision.

[All retching]

[All retching]

[Music]

Is this what you wanted,
you pervs?

[Music]

Out of lasagna.

Maybe that weirdo across
the street has some.

[Sighs] Another thrilling journey
through Garfield's one dimension.

[Horn blares]

- [Bleep] Mondays.
- [Thud]

Garfield, no!
I'm nothing without you,

no marketing value whatsoever.

Don't you bury that cat
in the Pet Sematary now.

- Sometimes, dead is better.
- How could dead be better?

Not dead, Ded's.
Ded's Pet Crematorium.

[Evil chuckle]

- [Horn blares]
- [Whimpers]

Oh, no.
Odie, move.

[Music]

Yeah, I'm sure
this will be fine.

This will not be fine.

He who disturbs
our sacred ground

shall pay a terrible price.

Didn't you hear me?
Can anyone hear me?!

I once had sex with my horse.

That felt good to get out.

I love being old and alone.

I don't have to wipe
when I shit.

Eh?

[Screams]

That's the most upsetting place to cut.

[Music]

[Screams]

That's the most upsetting place
to cut!

[Screams]

Stop trying to top yourself.

Well, now I'm going to slice
that little flap of skin

between your penis
and your balls.

[Retches]

[Voice breaking]
With Garfield and Odie gone,

it's just you and me, Nermal.

[Giggles]
I'm the world's cutest cat

living with the world's
saddest 37-year-old man.

My life is crap.
[Giggles]

[Sobbing]
I hate Mondays.

[Music]

Garfield, you look terrible.

I look exactly the same.

That's what I meant...
terrible. [Screams]

[Screams]

So, no, your cat
is not a zombie.

All his fat must have cushioned
the impact from the truck.

You buried me alive,
you fat-shaming,

- loveless piece of milk toast.
- But he k*lled our neighbor.

Classic case...
of the lasagna withdrawals.

- They cause short-term irritability.
- Short-term?

Did it wear off before or after
you k*lled Nermal?

Before.
That p*ssy was a twat.

[Both laugh]

My greatest novel yet.

[Snorts]

Argh! No van could k*ll me!
Steve King!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.