See, to me,
you go to the health club,
you see all these people,
and they're working out,
and they're training,
and they're getting in shape,
but the strange thing is,
nobody's really getting
in shape for anything.
The only reason
that you're getting in shape
is that so you can
get through the workout.
So we're working out
so that we'll be in shape
for when we have to do
our exercise.
This is the whole thing.
The other thing
I don't get about it
is why we're so careful
about locking up
is why we're so careful
about locking up
our dirty towels
and smelly jockstraps.
What exactly is the black market
on these disgusting gym clothes?
I'll give my car
to any valet guy
in front of a restaurant
because he's got
a short red jacket.
Hey, he must be the valet guy.
I don't even think about it.
But my stinking,
putrefied gym clothes?
I got one of these...
I've got one of these locks
you could put a b*llet
through it and it won't open.
That stuff is safe.
Wide open.
I was wide open underneath.
I had three inches on that guy.
See, you two
were hogging the ball.
Me? It wasn't me.
I never even saw the ball.
All you do is dribble.
I have to dribble.
If I give it to you,
you just sh**t.
You're a chucker.
Oh, I'm a chucker?
Every time you get the ball,
you sh**t.
I can't believe
you called me a chucker.
No way I'm a chucker.
I do not chuck.
Never chucked.
Never have chucked,
never will chuck.
No chuck!
You chuck.
Kramer, am I a chucker?
Oh, you're a chucker.
My God, I'm a chucker.
All these years
I've been chucking,
you never told me?
Well, it's not an easy thing
to bring up.
Hey, you know,
this is the first time we
ever saw each other naked?
Believe me,
I didn't see anything.
Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?
No. Did you?
Yeah, I snuck a peek.
Well, why?
Why not?
Why not?
What about you, George?
Oh. Yeah, I...
snuck a peek.
But it was so fast,
I didn't see anything.
It was just a blur.
I made a conscious effort
not to look.
There's certain information
I just don't want to have.
Okay...
I got to go meet Newman.
All right, I'll see you later.
Have a good one.
All right.
Yeah.
Look at this guy.
Look at this guy.
Does he have to stretch in here?
You know who that is?
Who?
That's Keith Hernandez.
Keith Hernandez,
the baseball player?
Yeah, that's him.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Wow!
Keith Hernandez!
He's such a great
player. Yeah.
He's a real smart guy too.
He's a civil w*r buff.
I'd love to be a civil w*r buff.
What do you have to do
to become a buff?
What do you have to do
to become a buff?
So Biff wants to be a buff?
Well, sleeping
less than hours a day
would be a start.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
You know, I only got
two weeks left of unemployment.
I got to prove I've been
looking for a job
to get an extension.
Hey, should we say
something to him?
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he loves
to hear from fans
in the locker room.
Well, he could say hello to me.
I wouldn't mind.
He's Keith Hernandez.
You're Jerry Seinfeld.
So?
What, are you comparing
yourself to Keith Hernandez?
The guy's a baseball
player, Jerry, baseball!
I know what he is.
I recognized him.
You didn't even notice him.
What, you're making some
wisecracks in a nightclub?
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo.
The guy was in game six,
two runs down! Two outs!
Facing elimination!
Excuse me.
I don't want to disturb you.
I'm Keith Hernandez,
and I just want to tell you
what a big fan I am.
I love your comedy.
I love your comedy.
Really?
Oh, yeah, I've always
wanted to do what you do.
Do what I do?
You're one of my favorite
ballplayers of all time!
Mine too.
I love that bit
about Jimmy Olsen.
Oh, really?
Thank you.
You know, Keith, what
I've always wondered is,
with all these ball clubs
flying around all season,
wouldn't you think
there'd be a plane crash?
Are you performing anywhere
in New York right now?
At this club on the East Side.
You should come in.
But think about it...
teams, games a season.
You would think,
eventually, an entire team
would just get wiped out.
You know, I live
on the East Side.
I'll give you my number,
just give me a call, and tell
me whenever you want to go.
Or maybe just get together
for a cup of coffee.
Oh, that'd be great.
Well, it's only
a matter of time.
Well, it's only
a matter of time.
Who's this chucker?
It's been three days,
and he hasn't called.
Well, maybe you should call him.
I can't. I can't.
Why not?
I don't know.
I just feel like he should call me.
What's the difference?
You don't understand, Elaine. I
don't want to be overanxious.
If he wants to see me,
he has my number.
He should call.
Ugh! God, look
at this ashtray.
Ugh! God, look
at this ashtray.
I hate cigarettes.
You know, I can't
stand these guys.
You give your number to them,
and then they don't call.
Why do they do that?
I'm sorry, honey.
I mean, I thought he liked me.
We were getting along.
He came over to me.
I didn't go over to him.
I know.
Why did he come over to me
if he didn't want to see me?
Here I meet this guy,
this great guy...
Right.
This ballplayer,
the best guy I ever
met in my life.
I know.
That's it.
I know.
That's it.
I'm never giving my number
out to another guy again.
You know, sometimes,
I've given my number
out to guys,
and it takes them
a month to call.
Hah!
Good. Good.
Well, if he's calling
in a month,
he's got a prayer.
You know, maybe he's been busy.
Maybe he's been out of town.
Oh, they don't have
phones out of town?
I love how people say
they're too busy.
"Too busy." Pick up
a phone!
Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?
Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?
Why don't you just
go ahead and call him?
Well, I can't call here.
It's a coffee shop.
I mean, what am I
going to say to him?
Just ask him if he
wants to get together.
For what, dinner?
Dinner's good.
Don't you think that's coming
on a little too strong?
Isn't that, like, a turnoff?
Jerry... he's a guy.
I know, but this is
all very confusing.
When you're in your s,
it's very hard
to make a new friend.
Whatever the group is
that you've got now,
Whatever the group is
that you've got now,
that's who you're going with.
You're not interviewing.
You're not looking
at any new people.
You're not interested
in seeing any applications.
They don't know the places,
they don't know the foods.
They don't know the activities.
If I meet a guy at a club
or a gym, I'll say,
"You're a very nice person,
full of potential.
"We're just not hiring
right now."
Of course, when you're a kid, you
can be friends with anybody.
Do you remember?
When you're a little kid,
what are the qualifications?
If someone's
in front of my house now,
that's my friend.
They're my friend.
That's it.
They're my friend.
That's it.
"Are you a grown-up? No?
"Great. Come on in!
"Let's jump up and down
on my bed!"
And if you have
anything in common at all...
"You like cherry soda?
I like cherry soda.
"We'll be best friends!"
You know, you only have
two more weeks
before your benefits run out.
Yes, and I was hoping,
perhaps to get
a -week extension,
if that's possible.
So where have you been
looking for work?
Well, you know what
I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol?
It's not so much the looking
as the listening.
I listen for work.
And as I'm looking
and listening, I'm also looking.
You cannot discount looking.
It's sort of a combination.
It's looking... and listening.
It's sort of a combination.
It's looking... and listening.
Listening... and looking.
But you must look.
Can you be specific
about any of these companies?
Specific. Uh, let's see...
I've walked in and out
of so many buildings.
They all blend in together.
Well, just give me one name.
One name.
Absolutely.
Uh...
Let's see, there's, uh...
Vandelay Industries.
I just saw them.
I got very close there.
Very close.
What type of company is that?
Latex. Latex manufacturing,
Mrs. Sokol.
Mm-hmm. And you
interviewed there?
Yes, for a sales position.
Yes, for a sales position.
Latex salesman.
The, uh, selling of latex
and latex-related products.
They just wouldn't
give me a chance.
Damn it!
Now, I'm going to need
an address and a phone number
for this, uh, Vandelay company.
You like gum?
Because I have a friend
in the gum business.
I've got a gum guy.
I make one phone call,
I have boxes of gum
delivered right to your door.
The address?
Ahem.
(As Jose Jimenez)
The address is...
Jose Jimenez.
Do you recognize that?
No.
(As Jimenez)
Jose Jimenez.
Very funny.
(In Normal Voice)
Really, he's very funny.
The address.
Uh... uh, Vandelay
is, um...
West st Street.
It's a very small industry.
It's one of the reasons
I wanted to work for them.
The phone number.
That's, uh, KL ... .
That's, uh, KL ... .
Are you planning on
calling them soon?
Because they have
very strange hours.
As soon as I'm done with you.
Well, um...
You know what?
I'll check in with you next week.
I got to run now
because I have...
(Chuckling Uneasily)
I've got a full plate
this afternoon.
Okay.
All right.
Really good to...
to, uh...
He'll call you back!
It's a par .
So, you know,
I step up to the tee,
and I hit a beautiful drive
and I hit a beautiful drive
right down the middle
of the fairway.
I mean, you know my hook, right?
Elaine?
How about this shirt?
Is this okay?
Jerry, he's a guy.
Well, it's a dogleg left,
so I play the hook, right?
Well, hold on.
There's another call.
Jerry! Jerry!
George?
Kramer, put Jerry on the phone!
Yeah, look, I'm in the
middle of something.
Call back.
Kramer! No...
Call back.
Kramer! No...
So, the ball takes off.
I'm waiting for it to turn.
Would you...
All right. Well, I'll talk to Jerry.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, that was
Michael and Carol.
She's wondering
when we're gonna come over
and see the baby.
Oh, see the baby.
Again with the baby.
Who are they?
Ah, this guy who used
to live in the building
that keeps calling us
to see the baby.
"You gotta see the baby."
"You gotta see the baby."
"When are you
gonna see the baby?"
Can't they just send us a tape?
You know, maybe if you
wait a few more months,
it won't be a baby anymore,
then you won't have to see it.
Uh-huh, because
he'll be all grown-up.
Yeah.
Yeah. Hah.
Hey, Kramer, what do you
think of this shirt?
I don't know.
It's too busy.
It looks like
you're trying too hard
to make an impression on him.
You're not being yourself.
What guy?
I know he's just a guy, but I really like him.
What guy?
I know he's just a guy, but I really like him.
Who are you talking about?
Uh, Keith, uh, Hernandez.
Keith Hernandez?
Keith Hernandez!
Do me a favor, would you?
Would you change lanes?
Would you get out of this lane?
You gotta get out of this lane.
This lane stinks.
They're all double-parked.
Get out of this lane,
I'm begging you.
Please. Please!
You know what?
Bad mistake. My mistake.
Bad mistake. My mistake.
Do me a favor.
Go back to the other lane.
Your lane was better.
Forget this lane.
This lane stinks.
Go back to your lane.
Go ahead. Bad mistake.
Go! Go! Go!
Make this light!
Make this light!
Oh...
That's it! Get out!
What do you mean, get out?
Get out of the cab!
What? I'm not getting
out of this cab!
No! No!
You cannot throw me out!
No! Get... get...
Hello, Newman.
I hate Keith
Hernandez. Hate him!
I despise him.
Why?
Why?
Why? I'll tell you why.
No, let me tell.
You can't tell it.
You always tell it.
All right, tell it.
You just tell it.
June , .
Mets-Phillies.
We're enjoying
a beautiful afternoon
in the right-field
stands
when a crucial Hernandez error
opens the door
to a five-run
Phillies' ninth.
Costs the Mets the game.
Our day was ruined.
There was a lot
of people, you know,
they were waiting
by the players' parking lot.
Now, we're coming down the ramp.
Newman was in front of me.
Newman was in front of me.
Hernandez was coming toward us.
As he passes us,
Newman turns and says,
"Nice game,
pretty boy."
Hernandez continued
past us up the ramp.
Then, a second later,
something happened...
that changed us
in a very deep and profound way
from that day forward.
What was it?
He spit on us.
And I screamed out,
"I'm hit!"
Then I turned,
and the spit ricocheted off him,
and it hit me.
Wow. What a story.
Yeah, unfortunately,
the immutable laws of physics
contradict the whole premise
of your account.
Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may,
for Ms. Benes,
as I've heard this story
a number of times.
Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.
According to your story,
Hernandez passes you and
starts walking up the ramp.
Hernandez passes you and
starts walking up the ramp.
Mm-hmm.
Then you say you were struck...
On the right temple.
The spit then proceeds
to ricochet off the temple,
striking Newman
between the third
and the fourth rib.
The spit then came off the rib,
made a right turn,
hitting Newman
in the right wrist...
causing him
to drop his baseball cap.
The spit then
splashed off the wrist,
pauses...
in midair, mind you...
pauses...
in midair, mind you...
makes a left turn,
and lands on
Newman's left thigh.
That is one magic loogie.
Well, that's
the way it happened.
What happened to your
head when you got hit?
Well, uh...
uh, my head
went back, to the left.
went back, to the left.
Say that again.
KRAMER: Back
and to the left.
Back and to the left.
JERRY: Back...
and to the left.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying that the spit could
not have come from behind,
that there had to have
been a second spitter...
Behind the bushes,
on the gravelly road.
If the spitter was
behind you, as you claim,
that would've caused your head
to pitch forward.
So the spit could've only come
from the front and to the right.
But that's not what they
would have you believe.
I'm leaving.
Jerry's a nut.
Wait, wait, wait.
The sad thing is, we may
never know the real truth.
(Wheezing)
(Coughing)
Did anybody call here asking
for Vandelay Industries?
No. What happened to you?
All right, listen closely.
I was at the
unemployment office,
and I told them I was very close
to getting a job
with Vandelay Industries,
and I gave them
your phone number.
So now when the phone rings,
you have to answer,
"Vandelay Industries."
I'm Vandelay Industries?
Right.
And what is that?
You're in latex.
Latex?
Right.
And what do I do with latex?
And what do I do with latex?
I don't know!
You manufacture it.
Right here, in this
little apartment?
And what do I say about you?
You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.
I'm gonna hire you
as my latex salesman?
Right.
I don't think so.
Why would I do that?
Because I asked you to.
Well, if you think
I'm looking for someone
to just sit at a desk,
pushing papers around,
you can forget it.
I've got enough headaches
just trying
to manufacture the stuff.
(Intercom Buzzes)
Yeah?
It's Keith.
All right, we're coming down.
Keith Hernandez?
Yeah. Come on,
Elaine, let's go.
Where are you going?
They're giving me
a ride downtown.
You know, there had to have been
a second spitter,
but who was it?
Who had the motive?
That's what I've been
trying to figure out
the past five years.
What the hell
are you two talking about?
JERRY: Oh, that
was really fun. Thanks.
Yeah, it really was.
JERRY'S VOICE:
Should I shake his hand?
Well...
Hey, you want to catch
a movie this weekend?
Have you seen JFK?
No, I haven't.
This weekend. Wow!
Sure. That would be great.
Damn! I was too overanxious.
He must have noticed that.
I mean, if you want to.
How about this Friday?
Yeah, Friday's okay.
Go ahead, shake his hand.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
I've been on the Tonight Show.
Well...
good night.
Good night.
Oh, Jer, by the way, uh...
the woman we gave a ride
to earlier tonight...
Elaine.
Yeah.
What's her story?
Oh, I don't know.
We used to go out.
Would you mind
if I gave her a call?
For a date?
Yeah.
Oh... no. Uh...
Go ahead.
You got a pen?
You sure you don't mind?
So then we went to dinner.
Who paid?
We split it.
Split it? Pretty good.
Did you talk about game six?
Nah. I've gotta wait
until just the right time.
(Intercom Buzzes)
Yeah?
It's Elaine.
Come on up.
So then what?
Uh, nothing.
Then he took me home.
Did you shake his hand?
Yeah.
What kind of a shake
does he have?
What kind of a shake
does he have?
Good shake. Perfect shake.
Single pump, not too hard.
Didn't have to prove anything,
but, you know, firm enough
to know he was there.
So, uh...
you gonna see him again?
He asked me if I was
doing anything Friday night.
Wow! The weekend.
So then, as I was getting out
of the car...
Hi!
Oh, hi, Elaine.
Hi, Elaine.
So...
How was your date?
How was your date?
What date?
It's a guy.
So, you know, uh,
he called me.
Already?
Keith called you?
Huh. This guy
really gets around.
Do you mind?
No, not at all.
Why should I mind?
What did he say?
He asked me out
for Saturday night.
You going?
No, I told him I was busy.
Oh, really?
So we're going out Friday.
So we're going out Friday.
Friday?
Yeah.
He's going out
with you on Friday?
Yeah.
He's supposed
to see me on Friday.
Oh. I didn't know.
We made plans!
Well, I... I'll cancel it.
No, don't cancel it.
Huh. Well, this is a little...
awkward, isn't it?
Well, frankly, it is.
Well, frankly, it is.
I've never seen you
jealous before.
Well, you're not even a fan.
I was at game six.
You didn't even watch it.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Are you jealous of him
or are you jealous of me?
Any Hennigans around here?
(Telephone Ringing)
Vandelay Industries.
Vandelay Industries.
Kal Varnsen speaking.
May we help you?
Oh, hi, Keith.
No, I was just joking around.
No. No, I don't
mind at all.
(Whispering) No, no, no!
I can cancel.
Sure, we'll do something next week.
I can...
No, it's no problem at all.
I...
Okay. Take it easy.
That was Keith.
We're gonna do
something next week.
Hey, what are you
doing Friday night?
Friday night?
Nothing... now.
Friday night?
Nothing... now.
Okay, you want to come
with me and see the baby?
Oh, fasten your seat belts.
We're going to see the baby.
If you don't see the baby now,
you're never gonna see her.
All right, I'll go.
All right.
(Telephone Rings)
I'll get that.
Yello.
What-delay Industries?
No!
GEORGE: Vandelay!
Say Vandelay!
No, you're way, way, way off.
Well, yeah, yeah,
that's the right number,
but this is an apartment.
No, say...
Vandelay! Say...
Vandelay Industries!
Yeah, no problem, no problem.
(Sobbing)
How did you know
who they wanted?
And you want to be
my latex salesman?
Just sign here, please.
I know who it was too.
It was the guy
that interviewed me.
He was very threatened by me.
I mean, why else
wouldn't he hire me?
I could sell latex like that.
Just sign that.
Ahem.
Who is, uh, this?
It's my daughter.
This is your daughter?
My God!
My God!
I hope you don't mind my
saying, she is breathtaking.
You think so?
Would you take this
picture away from me?
Just take it away
and get it out of here.
Take it away and put it away.
Let me just sign this and go.
Let me just sign this and go.
You know, she doesn't
even have a boyfriend.
Okay. O... Okay.
Who do you think
you're talking to?
What are you, you trying to
make a joke, Mrs. Sokol?
Because it's not funny.
I can tell you that.
I'm serious. She doesn't.
You know, it's one thing to
not give me the extension,
but to tease and to
t*rture me like this,
there's no call for that.
Would you like her phone number?
Mrs. Sokol, I... I...
I don't know what to say.
I... I... Where should
I sign this thing?
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
Oh...
Unemployment,
it's a tough thing,
even if you get a job
after you've been unemployed,
they take unemployment
out of your check every week
and show it to you
in that little box.
How good can it be
for your confidence
that every paycheck you get
has the word
"unemployment" on it?
has the word
"unemployment" on it?
You can't get it
out of your mind.
You just got the job.
They're already getting ready
for you to be laid off.
I have a friend
who's unemployed.
He's collecting
unemployment insurance.
This guy has never worked
this hard in his life
to keep this thing going.
He's down there every week
waiting on the lines,
and getting interviewed,
and making up all these lies
about looking for jobs.
If they had any idea
the effort and energy
that he is expending
to avoid work,
that he is expending
to avoid work,
I'm sure
they'd give him a raise.
I'm sure of it.
The guy is doing
a tremendous job not working.
So tell me more
about this game six.
Well, there was two outs,
bottom of the th.
Yeah.
We're one out away
from losing the series.
Ooh...
Ooh! Kootchie, kootchie,
kootchie-koo.
Hello. How
are you?
So what do you think?
Do you love her?
Yes, I do love her.
You have a very nice place here.
So who do you think
she looks like?
Lyndon Johnson.
What? Lyndon Johnson?
He's joking.
No. I'm not joking.
She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
Jerry, I can't believe
it took you so long
to see the baby.
I kept saying to Michael,
I kept saying to Michael,
"When is Jerry
going to see the baby?"
I was saying the same thing.
Let's take a picture.
Michael, get the camera.
You don't have
to take a picture.
I don't know where it is.
It's in the bottom
drawer of our dresser.
Hurry up!
He's such an idiot.
Jerry,
you want to pick her up?
I'd better not.
I'll pick her up.
GEORGE (Screaming):
No!
Thank you for a
wonderful time, George.
Thank you for a
wonderful time, George.
Glad you enjoyed it.
I haven't had a Big Mac
in a long time.
Billions and billions.
Would you like to come up?
Would I like to come up?
I would love to come up.
I'm... I'm fighting
not to.
Fighting.
Unfortunately,
I, uh, have to get
an early start tomorrow.
Got to get up
and hit that pavement.
But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.
But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.
I got me an appointment
with a hardware store.
I'm not saying I want to do it
for the rest of my life,
but hardware fascinates me.
Wouldn't you love to make a key?
Will you call me
as soon as you get home?
Tonight?
Yes.
Will I call you when I get home?
What do you think?
(Snorts)
You k*ll me.
You really k*ll me.
You really k*ll me.
Well, good night.
It was an accident.
Right, Jerry?
It was an accident.
Aw, she's gonna be all right.
(Squeaky Voice) Here, baby. Here.
Here, baby.
Baby, baby, baby.
Oh, the baby.
My friend's got a baby.
Got to see the baby.
You've got to come over
and see the baby.
You've got to come over
and see the baby.
Nobody ever wants
you to come over
and see their
grandfather, do they?
"You've got to see
my grandfather.
"You've got to see him.
"He's so cute.
pounds, four ounces!
"I love them
when they're this age.
"He's , months."
You know, the mid- s
is such a good time
for the grandpeople.
The mid- s...
you got to see them.
"He went to the bathroom
by himself today."
You know, what's tough
about seeing people
when they have a baby
is that you have to match
their level of enthusiasm.
You know what I mean?
They're always so excited.
"What do you think of him?
What do you think?"
Just once, I'd like to meet
a couple that goes,
"You know, we're not that
happy with him, frankly.
"I think we really made
a big mistake.
"We should have got an aquarium.
"You want him?
We don't even want him.
"You want him?"
Thanks for a nice evening.
This was really fun.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, it was.
KEITH'S VOICE: Gosh, should
I kiss her good night?
Elaine's VOICE: Is he
going to try and kiss me?
I love Cajun cooking.
Really?
You know, my mom's one-quarter Cajun.
Oh, my father's
half-drunk.
Maybe they should get together.
Go ahead. Kiss her.
I'm a baseball player, damn it.
What's he waiting for?
What's he waiting for?
I thought he was a cool guy.
Come on.
I won the MVP in ' .
I can do whatever I want to.
Well, this is getting awkward.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Who does this guy think he is?
I'm Keith Hernandez.
Uh, who else?
Um, Mookie.
Mookie was there.
You know him?
Well, I don't know him.
I know who he is.
Hmm. He's such a great guy.
You should meet him.
You know, he's the one
who got that hit...
I know! He got the hit
in game six!
So then what happened?
Nothing. Then he
took me home.
So did you two, uh...
have, uh...
What?
You know.
Milk?
No.
Cookies?
Did he kiss you good night?
I don't know.
Well, what do you mean,
you don't know?
All right.
He kissed me, okay?
What kind of a kiss?
What kind of a kiss?
Was it a peck, was it a kiss,
was it a long
make-out thing?
Between a peck
and a make-out.
So you like him.
I don't understand.
Before, you were jealous of me.
Now you're jealous of him?
I'm jealous of everybody.
(Telephone Ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hi.
What's happening?
What?
Oh, um... Uh.
Oh, um... Uh.
Sure.
Um... yeah, okay.
Then I'll see you then.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Bye.
Who was that?
That was Keith.
What's going on?
He wants me to help him move.
Help him move?
Move what?
You know, furniture.
So what did you say?
So what did you say?
I said yes, but I don't
feel right about it.
I mean, I hardly know the guy.
That's a big step
in a male relationship.
The biggest.
That's like going all the way.
And you feel you're not
really ready for...
Well, we went out one time.
Don't you think that's coming
on a little too strong?
Hey.
What's going on?
What's going on?
Keith Hernandez just asked
me to help him move.
What?
Well, you hardly know the guy.
What a nerve.
You see?
Wasn't I right about this guy?
Didn't I tell you?
You're not gonna do it, are you?
I said yes.
You said yes?
Don't you have any pride
or self-respect?
I mean, how can you prost*tute
yourself like this?
You gonna start driving
him to the airport?
You gonna start driving
him to the airport?
I'm not driving him
to the airport.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Kramer, do me a
favor, would you?
What?
Don't mention it to anybody.
I wish you never
mentioned it to me.
I had a great time
tonight, Carrie,
and I will call you
as soon as I get home.
Don't bother.
Bother?
What kind of bother?
I would prefer it if you didn't.
Why? Is anything wrong?
It's over, buddy.
Done. Finished.
So long. Goodbye.
Adios. Sayonara.
Why?
I've been thinking about it.
You got no job,
you got no prospects.
You got no job,
you got no prospects.
You're like Biff Loman.
I went to the hardware
store interview.
You think I'm gonna spend
my life with somebody
because he can get me
a deal on a box of nails?
I thought we were a team.
If I ever need a drill
bit, I'll call you.
Carrie!
Could you do me a favor?
Could you not mention
this to your mother?
You know, I hate to brag,
but I did win
straight Gold Gloves.
but I did win
straight Gold Gloves.
I wouldn't have brought it up,
but since you mentioned it.
I didn't mention it.
Well, I won them anyway.
Well, so what?
I mean, you played first base.
I mean, they always put the
worst player at first base.
That's where they
put me, and I stunk.
Elaine, you don't know
the first thing
about first base.
Well, I know something about
getting to first base,
and I know
you'll never be there.
The way I figure it,
I've already been there,
and I plan on rounding second
tonight at around : .
Well, uh,
I'd watch the third-base
coach if I were you,
because I don't think
he's waving you in.
You know, I hate to say this,
but, um, I really think
that we're hitting it off.
Get it? Get it?
Clever.
What are you doing?
What's that?
You smoke?
Yeah.
I didn't know you smoked.
Is that a problem?
Uh...
JERRY:
She likes him.
I mean, she really likes him.
How do you know?
Who wouldn't like him?
I like him, and I'm a guy.
I suppose he's
an attractive man. I...
Forget that.
He's a ballplayer.
MVP, .
MVP, .
I'm making wisecracks
in some nightclub.
This guy was in game six.
They're a perfect match.
They, like, go together.
They're like one of these
brother-and-sister couples
that look alike.
I hate those couples.
I could never be
one of those couples.
There are no bald women
around, you know.
You know, I know this
sounds a little arrogant,
but I never thought
she'd find someone
she liked better than me,
but, you know,
I guess I had my chance,
and that's that.
You know what I'd like to do?
You know what I'd like to do?
I'd really like to have
sex with a tall woman.
I mean, really tall,
like a giant...
like ' ".
Really?
What was the tallest woman
you ever slept with?
I don't know, ' ".
Wow!
God!
See, this is all I think about...
sleeping with a giant.
It's my life's ambition.
So I guess it's fair to say
you've set different
goals for yourself
than, say, Thomas Edison,
Magellan, these types of people.
than, say, Thomas Edison,
Magellan, these types of people.
Magellan? You like
Magellan?
Oh, yeah.
My favorite explorer.
Around the world.
Come on.
Who do you like?
I like De Soto.
De Soto? What
did he do?
Discovered the Mississippi.
Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't
have found that anyway?
All right.
I got to go down to the
unemployment office.
You want to take a walk?
No, I can't.
I've got some stuff to do,
and then I gotta meet Keith
at my apartment at : ,
I'm helping him move.
What?
The guy asked you
to help him move? Wow!
The guy asked you
to help him move? Wow!
I know. Isn't
that something?
He's got money.
Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
I don't know.
He's got some valuable antiques.
He's worried
they'll break something.
The next thing you know,
he's gonna have you driving
him to the airport.
I'm not driving him
to the airport!
I gave.
I gave everything
I could, Mrs. Sokol,
and nothing was good
enough for her.
Sign here, please.
I don't know
who she's looking for.
I don't know. I'll tell
you something.
She's very particular,
your daughter.
She's very particular,
your daughter.
What, is she looking for some
big hotshot businessman?
Well, I've got my pride too.
I'm not gonna beg her.
All right. Just sign it.
People are waiting.
You, uh, like baseball?
That was autographed
by the ' Mets.
I saw every inning that year.
It's funny because I happen
to be very good friends
with, uh, Keith Hernandez.
with, uh, Keith Hernandez.
You know Keith Hernandez?
Know him?
(Chuckles, Snorts)
Would you, uh, like to meet him?
Oh, come on. Come on.
I can produce Keith Hernandez
right here within the hour.
All right... You got
one hour.
All right, Mrs. S.
I and my good pal...
Keith Hernandez...
will be right back.
will be right back.
West st Street, and hurry.
Or not.
KEITH: Better bring
your gloves.
It's freezing out there.
It's freezing out there.
It shouldn't take too long.
I'd say maybe, oh, four hours.
Really, though, Jerry,
there's not that much.
First, we got the bedroom.
We got two dressers and the bed.
Is there a...
box spring?
What's that?
Is there a box spring?
Yeah, there's a box spring,
but it's attached
to the headboard,
and we'll have to
take that apart.
Then we got the couch.
Is that a sectional?
Yeah, pieces.
A marble coffee table.
Is that a thick marble?
Is that a thick marble?
Three inches thick.
Got it in Italy.
But the big problem
is gonna be
the convertible sofa.
You see, when you move
it, it tends to open up,
so it's gonna be real difficult
getting it down the stairs.
Stairs?
There's no elevator?
No, it's a brownstone.
Three floors.
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
What?
I can't do it! I can't.
It's too soon.
I don't know you.
I can't help you move.
I'm sorry. I can't.
I just can't.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh. You don't
remember me?
No. Should I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should,
because I certainly
remember you.
Let me refresh your memory.
Let me refresh your memory.
June th!
.
Mets-Phillies.
You made a big error.
Cost the Mets the game.
Then you're coming up
the parking-lot ramp.
You said,
"Nice game, pretty boy."
Ah! You remember.
Then you spit on us.
Hey, I didn't spit at you.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, no, no. Then who was it?
The way I remember it...
I was walking up the ramp.
I was upset about the game.
That's when you called me
"Pretty boy."
That ticked me off,
and I turned to say something,
and I turned to say something,
and as I turned around,
I saw Roger McDowell
behind the bushes
over by that gravelly road.
Anyway, he was talking
to someone,
and they were pointing at you.
I tried to scream out,
but it was too late...
it was already on its way.
I told you.
Wow. It was McDowell.
JERRY: But why?
Why McDowell?
Well, maybe because
we were sitting
Well, maybe because
we were sitting
in the right-field stands
cursing at him in the
bullpen all game.
He must have
caught a glimpse of us
when I poured that beer
on his head.
NEWMAN: It was McDowell.
Oh, boy.
Uh, look, uh, Keith,
we're sorry.
Yeah, I couldn't
be sorrier. I, uh...
Oh, look, guys,
don't worry about it.
Well, I guess
I'd better get going.
Now, what are you doing?
Well, I gotta move.
You want any help?
I'd love some. You sure?
I'd love to help you move!
Yeah. Me too!
Yeah. Me too!
Okay, guys. We've got to
be careful of one thing.
Some of the stuff
is very fragile.
We're gonna have to
handle it like a baby.
Hey, no sweat.
(Telephone Rings)
Hello.
Oh, hi, Elaine.
What's going on?
No, he just left.
You broke up with him?
Me too!
What happened?
Oh, smoking.
You know, you're like going out with C.
Everett Koop.
Me? No, I couldn't
go through with it.
I just didn't feel ready.
So what are you doing now?
Oh, great idea.
Okay, I'll meet you there
in, like, minutes.
Okay, bye.
Keith! Keith!
What happened? What happened?
Where's Keith?
You just missed him.
He just left.
What do you need him for?
What do you need him for?
Keith! Keith!
Up here! Could you
do me a favor?
I need you to go
to the unemployment
office with me!
I'm...
I'm Jerry's friend...
the guy from the locker room!
I'm the chucker!
It'll take five minutes!
Wait!
(Pleading)
Wait!
(Sighing)
(Sighing)
Well, Biff...
What's next?
I don't know.
Excuse me.
I was walking behind you,
and you dropped your wallet.
When you're moving, your
whole world becomes boxes.
That's all you think
about is boxes.
Where are there boxes?
Where are there boxes?
You just wander down the street,
going in and out of stores.
"Are there boxes here?
Have you seen any boxes?"
I mean, it's all
you think about.
You can't even talk to people
because you can't concentrate.
"Shut up. I'm looking
for boxes."
It's just... after a while,
you become, like,
really into it.
You can smell them.
You walk in the store...
"There's boxes here.
"Don't tell me you don't
have boxes, damn it!
"I can smell them!"
You become, like, obsessed.
"I love the smell
of cardboard in the morning."
"I love the smell
of cardboard in the morning."
You could be at a funeral.
Everyone's mourning,
crying around you.
You're looking at the casket...
"That's a nice box.
"Does anybody know
where that guy got that box?
"When he's done with it,
you think I could get that?
"It's got
some nice handles on it."
That's what death is, really.
It's the last big move
of your life.
The hearse is like the van.
The pallbearers
are your close friends,
the only ones
you could really ask
to help you
with a big move like that,
and the casket
is that great, perfect box
you've been looking for
your whole life.
you've been looking for
your whole life.
The only problem
is once you find it,
you're in it.
(♪)
(♪)