01x03 - Gold Dust Gasoline

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

- Pac?
- Biggie!

Good morning, Betsy.
How's it coming?

Huh? Huh? What do you think?

It's... a little gay.

Hey again, Betsy.

What's the new idea for today?

You crazy, girl. Oh, you crazy.

OK, Betsy.
What can you show me today?

Well...

Ah, crap.

Well, I guess it'll have to do.

Excuse me, miss.

Whoa. Aren't you that Subway guy
who used to be a big, fat slob?

What's the name...
Jerry?

Jared. Hi. Uh,
is there a restroom here?

Uh, I must've passed out
from the strain...

of pushing that enormous log
out of my butt.

Did my dookie fumes
clear out the whole bakery?

I'm locked in!
I'll be here all weekend...

with nothing to eat
but... but...

So... delicious.

No! I must stay on my diet.

I'm a corporate spokesman,
hero to millions.

I must... I must...

My bakery! It's ruined!

I only locked up
ten minutes ago!

I'm calling the police.

Wait a minute. You don't have
to call the police.

Heh. We can work
this out like...

...missing since last Tuesday...

One, two-hoo...

I want to see other people.

Rahh?!

December ,
: pm, Christmas Eve.

A time for joyous celebration.

A time for gift-giving,
for peace and love.

A time for m*rder.

It was the Christmas
that made everyone cry...

except for maybe the Jews...

but when the evidence
pointed to m*rder...

the question on
everyone's mind became...

"Who k*lled Christmas?"

Perhaps no one can
shed light on this mystery...

more than Martha Claus...

the victim's wife of years.

We stayed together
mostly due to licensing issues.

I doubt he would've gotten
any sponsorship deals...

if he were a divorced single man
living with a bunch of elves.

They'd think he was gay.

Crushed by grief...

the widow claus has kept
a low profile since the m*rder.

But not all was warmth and love
at the North Pole.

Deep inside
Santa's fabled workshop...

discontent
had begun to spread...

among the androgynous
elfin workforce.

It was all about the coke, man.

Santa had us elves hide the blow
in the crappy wooden toys.

Then he'd make the drop...

Give it to me! Toy!
Gimme, gimme toy!

Gimme, gimme, gimme toy!
Gimme, gimme, gimme toy!

And the sale was complete.

Ohh.

He tried using some different
ways to sneak the product in.

You ever see a yeti
when a dozen condoms of coke...

burst in his belly?

It's a bad scene, man.

Were the allegations true?

Santa Claus
an international drug peddler?

dr*gs? That wasn't no secret.

But I'll tell you what
the fat man's real problem was...

when some of the shipments...

started to turn up
a little light. Follow me?

Somebody started having
little private parties...

you know what I'm saying?
I think you do.

As for who, well...

you ever wonder
how his nose got so red?

Punishment was swift for anyone
who dared cross the boss.

Happy birthday!

For anyone caught being naughty
at the North Pole.

Happy birthday...

Who k*lled Santa Claus?

A neglected housewife?
Colombian drug runners?

Some ret*rd snowman?

We may never know
who k*lled Santa Claus...

but whoever did
is still out there...

watching, waiting.

Who's next?
The Easter bunny? Cupid?

That Lucky Charms cereal guy?

Who's to say?
But when it does happen...

Unsolved Case Files
will be there to make a buck.

Next time on
Unsolved Case Files...

the Taco Bell chihuahua's
castration...

simple neutering or hate crime?

Yo quiero my nuts!

Come and get some!

What's wrong, Herman?

Ooh, I'm constipated, Pickles.

Do you have anything
that you can give me for that?

Yeah.

Side effects may include...

I just kicked your [Bleep] ass!

Brandon, you are so grounded.

Jaws was a masterpiece
of suspense and terror...

because of how little you saw
of the shark itself...

but that's not the way
I wanted it.

The damn mechanical shark
didn't work.

As a result,
I had to release a movie...

that was only a quarter done.

Now, thanks to
computer graphics...

I can bring
my true vision to life.

$ , for me by myself.
For that you get the head...

the tail, the whole damn thing.

I say we let him go.

Get out of the water!

Jaws: The Special Edition...

features
over altered scenes.

There he is, Chief!
Throw it! Throw it!

You actually get a feel
for the shark's personality.

You missed me,
you dried-up douchebags!

Ow! My tibia!

Ah, you bastard!
Ah, you bastard!

Trust me, this is
a whole new set... of Jaws.

Smile, you son of a bitch.

Everyone's playing
the brand-new game...

that's fur-ociously fun.

- Yay!
- Yay!

I'm having fun!

Uh-oh. Euthanasia.

Euthanasia!

Euthanasia makes you k*ll your pets

The circle of life
has never been this exciting.

What am I gonna do
with all these kittens?

Euthanasia!

Laugh and learn
because it's life or death

My pit bull ripped the face
off a toddler.

- Time to put him down!
- I can retrain him.

- No. Euthanasia!
- No. Euthanasia!

My father has been kidnapped...

because he refuses
to pay protection money...

to a bunch of thugs!

Sorry, lady,
we're gonna pass on this one.

But... but...

All right.
Who's our next appointment?

My father has been kidnapped...

because he refuses
to pay protection money...

to a bunch of thugs.

Lady, you just hired the A-Team.

I ain't flying, Hannibal.
No way, no how.

That's sounds
perfectly reasonable, B.A.

Now, calm down
and have some nice milk.

Mmm. Milk.

Good for the bones.
Good for the kids.

I pity the fool who ain't got
no calcium in his diet.

Murdock, we drugged the milk!

You know,
years of drugged milk...

can have unfortunate
side effects.

Oh, yeah? Like what, Murdock?

Severe lactose intolerance.

I don't like cheese.

Can you roll down the windows
in a helicopter?

This is gonna be a long trip.

I want my rubber ducky.

OK, Face, infiltrate the office
and steal their files.

Easy as pie.

Greetings.
Is this where the thugs...

and/or criminals hang out?

Because I, too,
am a thug and/or criminal.

Holy crap,
it's Faceman from the A-Team!

Get him!

Hannibal, they're onto us!

Easy, boys. We surrender.

We're gonna come back
and deal with you heroes later.

All right.
Let's assess the situation.

- I found a lawnmower.
- I found some thimbles.

I found Jesus!

Let's show these punks...

what it means
to mess with the A-Team.

OK, g*ng.

Let's get froggy
on these tadpoles.

Now, are you gonna leave
that old man...

and his daughter alone?

Yes! For God's sake, yes!

That's all I needed to hear.
B.A., do the honors.

I'm gonna fly you out
on Knuckle Airlines.

Fist class.

My azaleas!

A-Team, you did it.

You saved our family business.

It was our pleasure.

Oh, and by the way,
that'll be $ , .

$ , ? Our whole business
is only worth , !

We're ruined! Ruined!

I love it when a plan
comes together.

You guys are great.

Look at that douchebag!

He's just as good-looking as me!