It was the kind of night where you
could feel time flow over you like…
…the amnesiatic waters
of the river Styx.
That is terrible.
"Amnesiatic"?
I don't think that's a word.
This doesn't work, either.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.
No.
Oh, yeah. This is so good.
No, it's not.
Who am I kidding?
-Aphrodite?
-Can't sleep, huh?
You scared me.
Sorry, I didn't know I had
to knock in my own temple.
You don't, but can you just keep it
down? I don't wanna wake Xena.
Pregnant girl
needs her rest, huh?
I remember when Cupid
was on his way.
Doesn't a god of your obvious stature
have anything better to do…
…than hang out here
in the middle of the night?
What's with the attitude?
I let you sleep in my temple…
I show real concern
for your insomnia and…
…you treat me like I'm
a rash where the sun don't shine.
I didn't mean to be rude.
I don't wanna bother you
with my troubles.
Sweet-pea…
I am immortal, you know?
I got nothin' but time.
The doctor is in.
See these?
These are my scrolls.
I wrote them.
I wrote all of them.
It's like a… It's like a diary
of my travels with Xena.
When I wrote them I just…
I felt so complete…
I don't know why I stopped.
Something keeps telling me
that I have to start writing again.
-Well, why don't you?
-It's not that easy!
I don't have time for it, for one thing.
Tell me, how you would write
about today.
-You mean, if I could.
-Well?
Well?
Today… started
like any other day.
Xena and Joxer and I… were trying
to find a name for Xena's baby.
I came up with the best one.
How 'bout the name
"Rochelle"?
And have her called "Roach" for short?
I don't like that.
How do you guys know it's gonna be a girl?
Maybe it'll be a boy.
All right.
-How about "Aloysius"?
-That's not funny.
It was a thought.
I'm glad we're
almost to Pilos.
I know someone
who's getting a little hungry.
Oh… Pregnant woman's hungry.
There's news.
-And cranky.
-Cranky?
I haven't been cranky for years.
Joxer, have you ever seen me cranky?
Tell the truth, Joxer.
Now you listen to me, monkey-man.
You ever do that again,
and you'll find my fist down your throat.
I always wanted to be an uncle.
Hello there, little fella!
Well, you think you can cut me down
without dropping me flat on my face?
No.
Rise and shine, everyone.
So, have you?
No?
Cop out.
All right, Xena, it's not your fault,
with your condition and all.
You're patronizing me.
Gabrielle, I am in full control
of my mood swings.
-You wanna bet?
-Anything you name.
How about a month
of cooking and cleaning…
…that you can't go a whole day
without losing your temper?
You throw in back rubs
and you got a deal.
It's a deal.
Doesn't count.
That's ok. In the spirit of friendship,
I will take the horses to the river.
-You can have lunch in town.
-I'll help you.
Joxer, no, you have to stay with Xena.
Not that I don't trust you.
All right, Gabrielle.
You take good care of my baby. Make
sure you rinse her down with cold water…
…and hitch her to something.
She'll probably come looking for me.
Not that I don't trust you.
I just don't want anything to happen
that might make me… mad.
It doesn't take a genius
to wash a horse.
Well, it'll come in handy for all those
backrubs you're gonna give me…
Come on, dummy.
Did you hear that?
Xena telling me how to bathe you…
What do I add? Water?
She must think
I'm like Joxer or something.
Xena doesn't do any cleaning.
Have you smelled her feet lately?
Good girl.
What happened to you?
In the time of ancient gods,…
…warlords…
…and kings…
…a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess…
…forged in the heat of battle.
The power…
The passion…
The danger…
Her courage will change the world.
So, you shrunk her horse!
Big deal!
Everybody shrinks as they get older.
That's why old people
are so short.
Now, that's very constructive.
What are you writing?
Patient is hostile and insecure…
Possibly masking
some latent tendencies.
This is stupid.
No, I'm sorry.
Look…
No more scroll, all right?
Latent tendencies?
Where did you learn to talk like that?
Honey, don't let the blonde hair
fool you.
Although bombastic forms
of circumlocution…
…should be generally avoided…
…one mustn't shy away from big words
in the right context.
-What?
-Nothing.
Please, continue.
-Where did I leave off?
-Shrunken horse?
Right.
What happened to you?
Divine retribution.
That's what happened.
Who are you?
Lachrymose,… god of despair.
Can't you read?
"Property of Lachrymose."
You used my spring
to wash your horse.
Next you'll be
stabling him in my temple.
I…
I'm so sorry.
You gotta admit…
…that dedication
is hard to spot.
Ok, it was an honest mistake.
Can't you change her back?
Please?
This isn't my horse.
It's Xena's.
You've heard of her, right?
She's k*lled thousands of men, and
with the mood she's in right now…
…she will not think this is funny.
So?
I've never laughed in my whole life.
-You're kidding…
-I wish I was.
I've never done that, either.
I can make you laugh.
I bet I could.
I hate puns or jokes
or riddles.
I tell stories.
True stories.
Let's say…
if I can make you laugh…
…you make Argo large again.
Deal?
Well, you can try,
but I doubt it'll work.
All right.
Just don't underestimate me.
Xena does that.
In fact… you're gonna love this.
There was this time where she…
she was trying to warn me against…
…catching this rabbit and…
You're such a cute little rabbit.
It's funny now, but at the time
I was just a big carrot stick.
And that's it?
No, no.
I'm just warming up.
-Kid's got staying power.
-Yeah.
-Some set of pipes, huh?
-What?
-I said, some set 'a lungs.
-I can't hear you.
-Some set 'a lungs!
-Oh, yeah. Swell.
Did that mean old
warrior princess scare you?
-Yes, yes.
-Nice move.
Are you kidding me?
I scared it mute.
What kind of a mother am I gonna make?
Oh, come on, Xena.
You're terrific with kids.
Gabrielle never told you
about King Gregor's child, huh?
Look, I may not be
nanny material…
…but you try baby-sitting
through a sword fight.
So?
Well, so your…
method's a little unorthodox.
It doesn't mean it's not
full of love and concern, you know?
-You think?
-Sure.
Well, maybe you're right, huh?
After all, how much do kid's cry
anyway?
That little rascal
stole all of Cupid's arrows…
…and went on a sh**ting spree.
I'm talking about baby Bliss.
You know,
Cupid and Psyche's son.
If you get hit
with one of those arrows…
…you fall in love
with the first person you see.
These are for you.
Let go of my cow!
Bessie… Bessie…
I thought it was cute…
…until I became the bull's-eye.
Xena?
Gabrielle?
Xena?
Tastes like sweat!
Does yours?
Well, I guess you…
had to be there, huh?
All right.
Let's find out what kind of humor
you do like.
Slap-stick?
Have faith.
What about… action?
Yeah?
Everybody loves
a good chase sequence.
Like the time we went to India.
I don't get that place.
No! Stop!
Somebody's trying to k*ll me?!
No!
Maybe that's India's way
of rolling out the red carpet.
Moving right along.
How about…
a little romantic comedy?
Look! Cherries!
I love cherries.
Me too.
Did I mention I'm a widow?
There's no reason
why we can't be adults about this…
…and have a little fun.
Are you suicidal?
Oh, don't worry, Xena.
I got just what you need.
And plenty of it, too.
Gaea… like Attus?
Attus is quite a surprise!
Here!
Put something on…
Are you kidding?
Honey… God or no god,
Lachrymose is still a man.
You should've tried
a little sex appeal.
That's the only way
to really entertain the weaker sex.
I tried that.
Well, nothing quite
like a woman's touch.
Didn't your mother ever teach you,
it's rude to stare?
Hey, I paid for an hour.
-What is this?
-You know…
Slumber-party mode.
It's the only way to really talk
about sex.
-I feel ridiculous.
-Want me to pierce your ear?
No!
So, let me ask you this.
Isn't all this story-telling
an awful lot like writing?
It's similar, but with writing…
…it's like talking to yourself.
It's a way that you can work things out.
Of course, I know now
exactly who I am.
So then who cares?
Why write?
Haven't you ever had
an artistic impulse…
…that's like a bad itch…
…and you just have to keep working on it
until you get it out?
Of course! Who do you think
accessorizes all these outfits?
Someone's gotta put those shoes
with that jacket and so on.
I'm glad you understand.
That's what I'm here for.
So… what did Xena do when
she found out about the horse?
Xena and I are best friends.
There aren't any secrets between us.
-You stalled, huh?
-Exactly.
What is taking her so long?
-I don't know.
-Joxer, just pay the bill.
I can't.
Gabrielle took my money.
-Let's get her.
-Yeah.
Hey, watch it, woman.
Hey, aren't you Xena,
Warrior Princess,…
…who jailed the bloody w*rlord
Taylor-Taygar?
-What of it?
-Taygar's my brother.
Prepare to die!
-What's with him?
-Family problems.
I blame the parents.
-How was your meal?
-A little too much salt.
Unfortunately,
there's been a slight delay, Xena.
You're never gonna guess why.
Let me.
First you got your nails done.
Then you went to your ballet lesson.
No, but you get the supplies
and meet me at the spring.
I'll be there, ready to go.
Guess she must 'a just pulled free
and wandered away.
She's gone?
Argo's gone.
So you shrunk her horse
and then you lost him. So what?
So what?
Do you know how important
Argo is to Xena?
Sometimes I think she likes that horse
more than she likes me.
I can't count the number of times
that Argo has saved Xena.
-What are you doing?
-I don't like animals.
They're dirty and smelly…
…and just thinking about them
makes me want to take a bath.
-Do you want your own tub?
-No, I'm fine, thank you.
What is that smell?
It smells like chocolate.
Essence of white chocolate,
to be exact.
Haven't you heard
that chocolate's an aphrodisiac?
It's one of my little secrets.
Anyway…
I looked for that little horse
everywhere.
Ok. We got peanuts…
We got pickled eggs, castor oil…
All we need now
is a sack of flour.
Did you get prunes?
Yeah, what's life
without prunes?
Argo…
Argo! Where are you?
Bag of wheat, bag of wheat…
Look there, the last one on the shelf.
So… You thought you got
rid of me, huh?
Well, better luck next time.
Luck has nothing to do with it.
-Nice save!
-And it's on special, huh?
Clean up on aisle .
Not so tough now,
are you, Mr. Tough Guy?
Nah, he's just an oaf.
Here.
See?
What I'm more concerned about is that.
Any kid of mine is going to encounter some
pretty strange and dangerous things.
Giants…
You know, you should
find a different line of work.
Like what?
I'm a blind cyclops, for crying out loud.
Giants?
Giants?
Hades, that's the least 'ayour problems.
Let's see, there's…
…dryads…
What is it?
Harpies…
Bacchae…
Oh, sure… That kid 'a yours
is gonna encounter a host of problems.
Let's see. Pestilence, disease,
foot rot,misery,…
…but you know what, Xena?
That kid's got something
it couldn't get anywhere else.
-What?
-You.
Thank you. Thank you.
Argo…
Argo…
Excuse me.
Argo!
Argo!
Argo!
Argo…
Come here.
What are you doing?
Hey… You trying
to get me into trouble?
Lachrymose, I'm so happy to see you.
You have got to change Argo back.
You don't realize how important
she is to Xena.
Oh, touching.
But we had a deal, remember?
Will you give me a break?
Unless you can't do it.
I mean, maybe you're not god
enough to do it.
I mean… Who's gonna ride her
the way she is now?
-No one is that small.
-Oh, yeah?
Argo!
No!
Stop, Argo!
Hey, hey, boy!
Come on, are you trying to k*ll me?
Calm down!
Argo!
Oh, I'm gonna die!
Argo, calm down!
Calm down, girl!
Come on, it's me. It's Gabrielle!
Calm down!
Yes!
All right!
Girl, calm down!
Yeah! That's it.
I gotta think.
See, you don't need to tell Gabrielle,
'cause I don't mean to be cranky.
I just can't seem to help it.
Hey… You're pregnant.
That's the way pregnant women are.
-That's right.
-Sure.
Though I should try to remain calm,
'cause that's what's best for the baby.
Oh, sure.
I'll get it.
I've learned how my actions can
have consequences for this child and…
…I just wanna do my best.
Xena…
Take it from me. If anybody
can love and protect that kid…
…it's you.
Come here.
All right, that's enough.
-Let go of me.
-Ga…
Eggs… Eggs!
Argo…
What?
I'll go. I'll go get the eggs.
Excuse me.
First you buy it, then you eat it.
Well, that's pretty.
Joxer!
Gabrielle…
What happened?
I'll explain later.
I need your help.
Ok.
Wait a minute.
This is our golden opportunity.
You are gonna be my new partner.
Joxer and little pal.
Look. Your new sword.
Oh, gods!
Joxer!
Sorry. Sorry.
I got a better idea!
You can be a circus act!
"Joxer and his amazing
sideshow freak."
Joxer, I need your help
to find the god who did this…
…to change us back.
Ok. What am I gonna tell Xena?
I don't know. Make something up.
Tell her anything.
Now, what am I gonna say to a god?
Lachromose!
God of despair!
Hear my plea and appear!
Just try and stay still, Argo,
please.
Life is so awful!
Really?
How awful?
You're…
You're… the first god I've ever summoned,
you know? 'Cause…
Joxer!
Well… It all started
when I was a child.
I was a happy kid…
at first.
But then, Mom and Dad
started fighting.
He'd get tanked
and take the chariot…
…no matter
who tried to stop him.
One day… he lost control of it.
Mom took it hard…
…and then she took a coupl'a arrows
from Dad's creditors and d*ed.
-It's just not fair!
-No, it's not.
But tell me more.
Tell me more. It must get worse.
You actually thought
Joxer was gonna help?
Joxer has pulled through for us
several times.
Really?
Like when?
Joxer…
OK, forget that.
No, but Joxer, sometimes, he…
Attus glad that over.
Well, no, no, no, no, no,… no, no.
No, Joxer…
He can be…
Oh, no. Ok. Once…
There was this time that he…
Oh, Meg.
Gee, you got big feet for a girl.
I always thought that the g…
Hi, fellas.
Ok.
There was a time that Joxer…
I'm Joxer, by the way.
Gabrielle.
Got you now!
Ok, you win.
But Joxer is a loyal friend,
and he's a great travelling companion.
Don't get me wrong.
I love the poor dope.
You know, he convinced Lachrymose
to return me to my normal size.
Really? Joxer's pathetic life
was right up his alley, huh?
Yeah. Not even Lachrymose was laughing.
Oh, dear, that's terrible.
Please, tell me it gets worse.
Some wounds never heal.
Watch my stuff, would you?
I'm gonna go get my friend
from the tavern.
I don't feel so good.
All right. Anyone seen
a guy in a little pointy hat?
Is that supposed to be funny?
No, I just got lucky.
Tough crowd…
Well… No Gabrielle,
no Joxer.
At least there's someone
who won't desert me.
Argo, come back!
You again?
Just wait till I catch you.
No, no.
Must be Lachrymose-intolerant.
You know, you could find her easier
if you made her big again.
Now, you are not as dumb
as you look.
Well…
Farewell.
Joxer!
Let's get outta here!
Lighten up.
Ah, now, that is devotion.
Here, girl!
Look, a stray dog!
They took a dog and put
a horse head on it!
Wow, what do you have to do?
Add water?
Gabrielle!
Gabrielle!
What is that?
I can explain.
Look at that! Cold water!
She said "cold water"!
Xena, now don't get mad.
It's not good for the baby.
Ok, I… Xena!
All we have to do
is make Lachrymose laugh.
Then we can have Argo
back to the way she was.
Say your prayers, Xena.
Allelujah.
All right.
Ok, now, I'm not mad.
I'm just very,
very disappointed.
And as for you…
No, no.
Think about it. Think about it!
Hey! She hit Bob!
It was her.
What?
I'll take a pie, please!
You forgot to duck!
So did you.
Get 'em!
Joxer… Never pie
a pregnant woman.
Heads up!
Which one of you threw that pie?
Heads up, Lachrymose.
A stupid, boring,
unfunny excuse…
…for a pie fight
finally made him laugh?
Go figure.
You must 'a been aiming too high
the rest of the time.
I guess so.
You ok?
-This isn't working.
-What's not working?
I thought telling you
the Lachrymose story…
…would somehow end
my writer's block.
Oh, well…
At least you got him in touch
with his inner child.
-That's it.
-What?
-That's the answser.
-What are you talking about?
Ever since Xena became pregnant…
…I have been trying to find a way
to make the world a better place.
And I've allowed no time
for the things that make me happy…
…like my writing.
I think I've been
too afraid…
…that I've lost that part of me
that's a bard.
Anyway.
Maybe my writing
will help Xena's baby…
…figure out who he or she
really is.
Well, it looks like my work here
is done.
-Wait.
-What?
-You got a lot of catching up to do.
-Thank you.
Don't thank me yet.
Wait till you get my bill.
And the day ended as it began.
Alongside my friends.
You know, I gotta tell you,
I am feeling a whole lot better.
I mean, life's pretty sweet
for me right now.
I've got no cooking, no cleaning…
…and backrubs for a month.
Technically,
you didn't lose your temper.
But Xena, I saw you throwing pies
in a less-than-loving manner.
Much less.
Loving.
Yep, loving. That's me.
Who threw that pie?!