08x05 - Ashy to Classy

[bunniefuu]

- ["America The Beautiful" plays]
- Dre: The American Dream says work hard,

pay your dues, and anything
you ever want can be yours.

Unless you're Black.

To get even a tiny drop
of that respect we deserve,

Black people have to be the best.

No, the greatest.

And because we have to be great,

that excellence oozes
through everything we do...

how we walk, how we talk,

and especially how we look.

We don't have a choice.

Our path to the American
Dream is so narrow

that one perceived slip
brings out the haters.

Serena was on her way to
winning another French Open,

but all they could talk
about was her catsuit.

Barack Obama went three
racks in his closet,

and everyone lost their minds.

So, as always, Black people gotta do

even more than we already do.

That's why the Johnsons always bring it.

- Time for a freshness check.
- Okay.

So, Adidas top and sweats,

and I even got the socks.

Okay. No notes.

You are my favorite. Get outta here.

These shoes don't
drop for another month.

Don't listen to what I just told him.

- You're my favorite.
- All right.

[Ominous chord strikes]

Whoa! Whoa! Do you think
you're leaving this house

looking like you've been
rolling around in flour all day?!

Don't you move. You stay right there.

Unh-unh! Did you really think
you were gonna leave this house

with them fire-startin' legs?

What you think this is, huh?

Mnh-mnh. I ain't the one.

Devante, I ain't the one.

What are you doing?

He thinks I'm the one,
Bow. I ain't the one.

- Come here, boy.
- Okay. Oh...

[Scoffs] Like I'm gonna
let this little boy's knees

undo all of Dr. King's work.

You are presentable. b*at it. Unh!

I get it, Dre. He's ashy.

But don't you think you went
a little bit overboard there?

I'm having flashbacks

to when you shaved Jack's head

because his lineup was off.

There's no such thing as overreacting

when your family's honor is at stake.

What my baby talkin' about?

Our family honor?

This one was gonna let
Devante go to school ashy.

- Oh, Lord.
- Rainbow: Dre, that's not what I said.

She tryin' to get that baby
snatched up by Black CPS!

Mm-hmm.

What's... Black CPS?

Black Child Protective Services!

Okay. That's... That's not a thing.

Oh, it's a thing.

They guard our kids

against Black parents who
ain't got no damn sense.

- Okay.
- You.

Snatched up that Baxter
boy when Dre was

'cause he always had crusty
eyes and chapped lips.

That... didn't happen.

You better believe it happened.

[Scoffs] Swooped in like the feds

with that, uh, Elián González

and placed him with
a family of witnesses

on the good side of the Freeway!

Uh, thank you so...
Thank you so much, Ruby.

- Ashy.
- Yeah, thank you.

- [Scoffs]
- Thank you.

Yeah, no. She's right.

Is she?

Yea...

I'm talking about Devante

knowing he should never leave this house

looking like a little Dennis Rodman.

Well, I think you need to
be a little less worried

about Devante's legs

and a little bit more worried

about the things you say to him.

- The things I say to him?
- Yeah.

I'm talking no different than
how I talk to all of our kids.

What we learned about parenting

has evolved since we had Zoey.

It is very important for
us to stay up on what's new.

Just last week, I heard a podcast

where they shared new research...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... saying that the words we use have meaning,

including the positive ones.

So when we say to our
kids, "Oh, you're so smart,

you're so pretty, you're so strong,"

they think that they have no value

if they are not those things.

Well, what makes a child valuable?

Because they don't have no money.

Okay, well, I just don't want us

to give our kids a complex.

We're four for four, Bow!

Zoey went to college, Junior has a job,

Diane takes all honor classes,

and Jack...

Jack used the can opener the other day.

I'm not worried.

You know what? Fine, Dre.
Forget I said anything.

- I already have.
- Okay, great.

- I love you so much. Bye-bye.
- Love you, too.

Olivia: Wow.

I'm impressed with the
whole routine they have here.

When I was in school,

any old pervert could walk on campus.

Oh, no. It used to be
like that over here, too,

before we found out Coach
Weeks wasn't a gym teacher.

Whoa! Wha... You guys
have Picture Day tomorrow?!

See, this is the kind of stuff
that should be in the calendar.

Yep, and I know exactly
what my look is gonna be.

Bookish beauty who turns heads

just by taking off her glasses.

Mm. Diane, that's just some
dumb movie trope. You...

Oh, my God! You're stunning!

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

What about you, Jack?
What do you got planned?

Oh, I'm just gonna hit
it with my classic...

the "bless 'em."

♪♪

Okay. Are you sure you
want to go with that, Jack?

Your high-school yearbook photo

is one of your top-four
lifetime photos of all time!

- Yeah.
- It's right up there with your driver's license,

your passport, and your wedding photo.

And my personal favorite... mugshot.

Look at these baby waves.
I'm not pressed. I got this.

Okay, no, Jack, this is not a joke.

This picture will follow you forever.

In mine, there was a
weird shadow on my chest,

and everybody thought
I was stuffing my bra.

They called me "Crinkle Cups" every
day after that for three years.

It's how they announced
me at graduation.

Wow. Yeah.

Uh, thank you, Olivia. I-I
guess it is a big photo.

- It is, yeah.
- I said that.

- Yeah, but you're unreliable.
- Yeah, seriously, though.

Shouldn't you be at work right now?

- Get out.
- Get a job, bro.

I got a job.

- Jack: Disappointed.
- Don't play with my bag.

♪♪

That's a hundred.

Wow. I did not think
you were gonna do it.

And all for just $ .

Oh, yeah.

Uh, this might be a bad time to ask,

but I actually need
to borrow exactly $ .

- Hey. What's going on, fellas?
- [Muffled cough]

Check this out.

Bow thinks the way I talk to Devante

is gonna mess him up.

- Mm.
- Well, you named him Devante.

Uh, that doomed him to ride the bus.

But lookit. So what? You know,
he's had trauma in his life.

Big deal.

Trauma actually makes kids better, okay?

Look at Kawhi Leonard,
Prince Harry, Batman.

Don't forget about Simba. [Chuckles]

I had an uncle just like that.

He tried to k*ll me a g*ng of times.

Yeah. Dre, think about all
the great men we'd miss out on

if they didn't go
through trauma as kids.

I haven't traumatized him, okay?

I'm just telling him like it is,

and if I come off blunt,
no big deal, all right?

Kids are resilient.

I completely agree.

It is a father's duty to be direct,

- to prepare them for the world.
- Mm!

It's all this touchy-feely
crap that the moms tell 'em.

That's what screws 'em up.

Yeah, like, uh, "Someone will
love you for who you are."

"Bullies are just jealous of you."

"No one's gonna make
fun of your tail, Josh."

You had a tail?

- That tracks.
- Hey, Dre?

- Dre: Mm?
- Freak here is right.

The real world needs real talk.

Exactly. If I didn't give it to him raw,

I wouldn't be doing my job as
a loving, present Black father.

That's right.

My Black father was very present.

Gave me notes on everything...

how to chew my food, my
handwriting, how to snore...

how weird my nipples
look through my shirts.

By pointing out my flaws,
it made me a better person.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is that why you wear vests all the time?

Because of your weird nipples?

Fashion choice only.

Okay, guys, thank you for your input,

and my children will not be
developing any weird complexes.

They know that I love them all

and I'm coming from a good place.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some real work to do.

You can see them through my hands?

Here's the thing...
I know I'm a good dad.

I'm teaching my children
the right lessons,

and that's why they're just fine.

Kids! Come get this
fancy-ass pizza that's...

not as good but more
expensive than Pizza Hut!

Devante: I'm ashy, Daddy.

I don't want to be ashy.

Oh, man.

I broke my kid.

- [Clattering]
- What the hell?

Man: Police, police, police!

- Okay!
- Black CPS.

Where's the child you broke?

♪♪

We're taking you with us to La Jolla.

You'll be safe there.

Devante: Bye, Daddy.

But you didn't see him, man!

Every time he took a step,
his knees ignited a fire!

It's his mama's fault!

♪♪

[Sighs]

Okay, buddy.

I tried to fight it, but Bow was right.

I gave our kids a complex.

Why do you have that guilty face?

What did you do?

I think I broke our baby, Bow.

He was putting lotion on
like a redhead on a beach!

The whole room smelled
like a Bath & Body Works.

Oh, Dre...

Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre.

It seems as if your...
drive to be the best dad ever

has skidded on the lotion
of your bad decisions.

I told you this would happen.

Words have consequences!

Two years of saying "pee in the toilet,"

and this is what sticks?

Ah, I think I messed up one of our kids.

Mnh. One of your kids?

Come on, big guy. All
of us need therapy.

What are you talking
about? You're fine, boy.

I can't even play
games 'cause you told me

the only point of competition

is to wipe the floor with
the blood of your enemies.

And?

He breaks out into
hives before game night.

See, Dre?

Words are very powerful.

But now that you're
ready to evolve, I...

I have the perfect podcast for you.

[Sweetly] A child is like a boat,

and a parent is like a gentle breeze.

Those are just my thoughts.

Thoughts from a doctor.

I'm Dr. Rainbow Johnson.

Thank you for listening
to "Bow Knows Parenting"

with Dr. Rainbow Johnson, MD.

[Normal voice] Okay.
Well, that did not record.

I didn't mean to mess up my kid.

I guess I just got to
figure out a way to fix this.

No, no! Let the expert handle Devante.

You just try not to cause
any more damage, all right?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go save my... my kid.

Okay, look. I know this looks bad,

but if we learned anything

from the Michael Jordan documentary,

it's that there's a price for greatness.

Oh, no. Here come the hives.

- Okay...
- [Groans]

♪♪

Look. Please don't stop on my account.

I am very entertained.

I've been here for hours,
but I can't figure out

what I'm gonna do for
this school picture.

Nothing I'm trying is
gonna make an impression

that'll stand the test of time.

Look, look. Pew, pew, pew!

See? Forgettable.

[Groans] Bro, you are missing

the forest for the trees, man.

It's about the whole look and
the vibe you bring into it.

Okay, um, what's my vibe right now?

"Grown man who watches
children's movies... alone."

I'm gonna blow this.

Look. Don't you worry, friend.

I've got your back.

[Kool & the g*ng's
"Hollywood Swinging" plays]

♪♪

So, Diane had gotten
her hooks into Jack,

and it was going to be a test
of whether I could keep myself

from doing lasting damage to my kids.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

Because this...

this was not it.

♪♪

[Bell dinging]

♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ What ya got to say? ♪

Look...

at you.

See, Diane's made me realize

that the way to make
a lasting impression

is to channel those NBA greats.

If my classmates are gonna
remember me for anything,

it's gonna be that I pulled
off the Full Westbrook.

Wait.

Ah. Can't forget my timepiece.

It makes the fit.

Yes, it does.

Thanks for your help.

The pleasure was truly all mine.

What?

While I succeeded at biting my tongue,

Bow tried to clean up
my mess with Devante.

[Chuckles] Hi, sweetheart.

Look at that nice truck!

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

So, honey, I wanted to talk to you

about how crazy Daddy was yesterday.

He was so crazy, right?

Talking about all that lotion stuff?

My God, I wish I could
say he's gonna be better,

but we both know he's not.

So...

honey, I just want to make sure you know

that there's nothing
wrong with your skin.

You're so strong

and so handsome and...

Wait a minute.

Okay, the podcast said
do not focus on beauty

or he is going to become an egomaniac.

I got this.

[Inhales sharply]

Devante...

you are so smart.

Goop said compliments
are the new smoking.

Okay. Honey...

I just want you to understand

that you...

you are my special little boy...

but not so special or
so handsome or so smart

that you're gonna...

you're gonna become a sociopath, so...

Do you understand?

[Devante crying]

Oh, my God. No. Oh, God. Oh, no, no.

Okay. Um... No, please don't cry!

Please don't cry! Okay. It's okay.

Sweetheart, it's fine.

Listen. Come here.

Vroom! Vroom!

Look at this truck! This
is my favorite truck!

Vroom, vroom!

Do you want ice cream for dinner, honey?

[Crying continues]

Oh, look at you! You
look beautiful, baby.

I k*lled Picture Day.

See, without my glasses, people
saw a whole new Diane Johnson.

See, Miguel Juarez did a double take

when I walked by like a beer commercial,

and his girlfriend was maaad.

That feeling never gets old, you know.

The other day, I started a fight

between a couple at the fruit stand.

- Oh.
- [Laughs]

Ho!

That's what you wore for Picture Day?

Yeah. Isn't it dope?
What you think, Grandma?

Well, what I think is, um...

I'm gonna buy a dozen yearbooks

and pass 'em out to all my friends.

Well, you got to let me autograph
'em before you pass 'em out.

All right, now.

Dre: Mm-hmm.

You cannot be okay with that.

Well, you know, he's
just expressing himself.

He looks like he's expressing
himself right into clown college!

You know, I think I have a connect

on the yearbook committee.

Maybe I can get the photo wiped?

How you gonna have your son

out in the streets looking like that?

Why didn't you talk
some sense into that boy?

I'm trying to watch
how I talk to our kids

because I'm afraid I'm messing them up.

What you talking about?
Those kids are fine.

Are they? Because I don't know that.

Warning Devante not to be ashy
probably gave him nightmares.

And if I tell him to work
hard, is he gonna get obsessive?

And if I tell him work isn't
everything, is he gonna get lazy?

And if I tell him to keep his chin up,

is he gonna get plastic surgery

and end up looking
like Michael Jackson?!

Hey, hey, now. Come on.

Ain't no sense in getting
all emotional, pumpkin.

I'm not emotional!

Yes, you are.

Now, you the man of this house.

You got to keep your emotions in check!

Just like I've been telling
you since you were a kid!

[Voice breaking] You're right, Mama.

I'll keep my emotions in check.

'Course I'm right.

You go on over there and make
yourself a snack or somethin'.

And if you're gonna
cry, you go somewhere

where them kids won't hear you!

Yes, ma'am.

[Scoffs]

I'll cry quietly.

- Rainbow: Dre?
- [Sobbing]

Dre! What are you doing?

[Crying] My mom said I shouldn't
cry in front of the babies.

I guess our kids aren't the
only ones that are affected

by something that their
parents have said to them.

Yeah.

Well...

At least I fixed Devante.

[Whimpers]

[Strained sob]

No, I didn't.

I blew it! I blew it big-time!

[Sobbing]

I want cake.

[Sobbing] There's more under the sink!

- Really?
- Yeah.

Chocolate, strawberry.

[Sighs]

- Babe.
- Yeah?

Do you think I've been
using these secret cakes

as a way to soothe myself
as I'm trying to control

the natural emotions I'm pushing down?

Well, Dre, when Junior
dropped out of college,

you gave the bakery half of
your paycheck every month,

so, you know...

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I don't know what all that was.

You know, I'm just now
starting to realize that...

it was a lot of pressure
growing up in a house

where I was told to check my emotions

because I was the man of the house.

Ugh. That's a lot of
responsibility on a child.

- Yeah, but get this.
- Hmm?

I understand why she
was telling me that.

Why?

She was doing her best to prepare me

for the world that I was in.

Hmm.

But still... I always
had a voice in my head

making me feel bad every
time I got emotional.

And today I realized
that voice was my mama.

- Dre.
- Hmm?

We are gonna be the
voice in our child's head.

So what are we gonna do about it?

I do not know.

You know, if... if we're
gonna fail no matter what...

Mm-hmm.

... do we just lean
into it? I-I don't know.

- A... abandon them?
- No, Dre.

That's still illegal.

Okay, so we just live with the fact

knowing we're gonna be the voice
in their heads influencing them

towards every good and bad
decision that they'll ever make.

Yes, I think so.

Mm!

You know, I... I have my
parents' voices in my head, too.

- Mm-hmm.
- But they're super positive.

They were constantly telling
me over and over and over

and over again how
smart I was, you know?

But it made me believe

that the way to make people happy...

is to achieve.

Mm.

Oh.

That's why I'm always telling
people that I'm a doctor!

Ha ha! Yeah! It's the voice in my head!

Ah. [Laughing]

Well, maybe now that you
realize it, you'll stop.

No. I'm not hurting anybody.

No, you're just k*lling them.

I am not k*lling people, Dre.

There's, like, one a year.

And I don't k*ll them. They just die.

It's not my fault.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, wow. Jack, I am really sorry.

What? Did you make me eat
something that's not food again?

No, somebody from the yearbook
committee leaked your photos.

They're everywhere.

Really?

- _
- Oh, no, yo. They made you a meme.

Gimme that.

This is dope!

- Wait. What?!
- Wait. What?!

I'm being shared everywhere.

I got to make merch and an Instagram

where I can localize all the posts.

Oh, my God. I could be an NFT.

I'm gonna be a legend!

We do not deserve him.

I've got to figure out how to
screw him out of that NFT money.

I'm not perfect. I'm
going to make mistakes.

But knowing those mistakes
will become voices in his head

makes the stakes feel too high.

All I'm saying is... we
can be imperfect together

on the path to getting better.

All right? You get me, son?

- I love you, Daddy.
- Oh.

But as long as one of
those voices is me saying...

I love you, too, Devante.

... I've done my job as a parent.

Okay. Go get ready.

I love you, too, Dad.

Don't you have your own place?

Jack: When that meme first dropped,

I thought it would
die down in a few days.

But before I knew it, it
took on a life of its own.

I was getting offers left and right.

My face was on billboards,
they let me dance

at the Puppy Bowl halftime show,

and I became the co-host
of a new "Soul Train"

with a hologram Don Cornelius.

The meme became so popular

that I sold my life rights

to the highest corporate bidder.

That's how I became a trillionaire.

And that's also how
you guys got your names,

Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew.

Anyway, let's take that warp-speed jet

to visit Aunt Diane and
Uncle Michael B. Jordan.

Come on.