02x09 - Body Count

[bunniefuu]

In college,
you get so close to your crew

that it feels like there are
no boundaries whatsoever...

You share food...

...drinks...

...and hopefully not mono.

But best of all, you share experiences.

And on this day, my friends
and I were gonna share

Luca's big art debut
at the Cal U Arts Fest.

Ooh! There's the artist, right there.

Hey, Luca!

Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Yep, that's m'dude.

He should've had his own tent,
but next year.

A wall is fine for now.

The thing about having no boundaries,

and sharing so much...

...is that it's all the more shocking

when someone is still able
to cross the line.

Damn, Zoey, I didn't know
you had it in you.

I don't.

But whoever that is very much does.

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Look, whoever that is, she's hideous.
She has nothing on you.

"A", there's no way of telling
what she actually looks like.

And "B", legit a second ago

you thought that hideous girl was me.

I did.

- I-I got this.
- Go.

- Okay, Zo, you know what?
- Yeah?

It's probably just a favor
for some relative...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...who's an aspiring influencer.

I bet you it's his cousin.

Luca.

Is this your cousin?

Huh? N... No, no.
That's my ex-girlfriend.

Okay, well, I tried.

Hey. What? I was just admiring
the composition.

'Cause this body, when looking
at it, is very well-composed...

- Mm. Mnh-mnh.
- ...I'd say.

- Is there something wrong?
- Hm?

Hm?

You know what? There's a lot
of other stuff to go see.

I'm gonna go check out the q*eer
performance art at Titanium.

- Hard pass for me.
- Oh.

You actually weren't invited.

This is about me exploring
my own community

without your privileged, cisgendered,

heteronormative gaze.

Geez, you are really sh*t-gunning

Professor Hewson's Kool-Aid.

She's my gay guru.

My gay-ru.

I have no idea what you people
are saying.

Here, let me translate
for you. M'byeeeee!

I still don't know.

We are gonna go, too.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bye, Zoey.

Do you wanna... You don't
want to see any more...

Update me every five minutes.

Okay.

Really nice art, Luca.

Word? 'Cause I'm kind of
feeling the vibe that...

Oh, no, it's really,
really nice. Really moving.

It really fricking moved
all my friends out of the tent.

There it is.

I'm just feeling really stupid
right now, Luca.

Not in the kind of like,
"Oh, God, I mispronounced

'expresso' again" kind of stupid.

You'll find it.

Everybody came out to support you

because I told them
it meant a lot to me.

And you weren't even gonna
give me a courtesy heads up

that your art is
a half-naked ex-girlfriend?

I mean, key word being "art."

Look, you're on the board, too.

Oh, great. I'm a masterpiece.

Anyway, who is this ex,

and how come I have never heard of her?

Two places I never visit...

that's Bora Bora during
the rainy season and my past.

Sure. Who wants to take
an umbrella onto a plane?

But your past is very presently
right in my face

wearing a very sheer, lacy bralette.

Okay. Well, this is Juliette,
my ex-girlfriend.

She means nothing.

You're Zoey, my present girlfriend,

and you mean everything.

You're right. I do.

But anyway,
what's your stand on hot dogs?

Do you find them, like,
appetizers, or finger foods?

Do you call them a sandwich?
Not a sandwich?

It is a piece of meat between two buns.

All right. Dude, enough
with the hot dogs, okay?

I'm sorry I've been avoiding you lately.

It's just that when Luca
caught us, it freaked me out.

That could have been Zoey,

and you know that would've
been a nightmare.

So, I just figured it would
just be best to just stop

before anything big happens...

you know, b-beyond us making out.

Yes, I get it. I get it, okay?

We're good.
We're just friends who made out.

No big deal.

- Right.
- Right.

So, let's get some food, as friends.

Hot dogs?

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause friends...
friends eat.

Friends eat. Pals eat. Buddies eat.

- Friends eat all the time.
- Let's do it, friend.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Pronoun pin?

Is that... Do people have them on?

It's a way to let everyone
know your gender identity

without having to say it
every five seconds.

Plus, we love swag.

We/us sure do!

That was stupid. Ugh.

Sorry. I-It's my first time.

Most, if not all, of you here
have a coming-out story.

Some share it in film, some in poetry.

I'd like to share my experience
in a song.

They say life imitates art,

but have you ever seen a piece of art

that seems to just straight up
imitate the sh*t out of you?

You know what? Juliette's pretty
hot... for a hideous person.

And if he is inspired by her
as an artist,

I guess I shouldn't be mad.

If anything, I should be supportive.

Yeah, I'm sure she means nothing.

Hold up.

If she means nothing,
then why does my boyfriend

have the same permanent nothing
on his body?

It's time to call Ana. Time to dive.

So, Luca wanted me to respect
his boundaries,

but that tattoo really
pushed me past mine.

Oh, my gosh. It's Zoey. We've been made.

"Made"? Are... Will you
answer the phone, maniac?

We are ordering gourmet hot dogs, okay,

not going "toes to nose" on the table.

- Hey.
- The deep dive is on.

I need to know everything
about that Juliette character.

Where she lives, her next of kin,

how she and Luca started dating,
and why it ended.

All right, all right, um, let me just

switch over to hands-free
real quick, okay?

First, you get your little
skinny ass on Instagram.

Do they still follow each other?

Unh-unh. I said "no relish."

And don't let me see you
scrape it off, boo-boo.

Next, you've got to find out,
do they like each other's posts?

Do they comment? Do they like
each other's comments?

You check that slut's Insta story,

but stay on each clip
for less than three seconds,

or she'll see that you viewed it.

If you think you can't handle it,
use my burner account.

It's Mrsworldwide2016.

Hello?

Hello? Are you still there?

Yeah, yeah. No, um, it's just a lot.

I know, baby girl.

And it's gonna get worse
before it gets better.

Because after Instagram, you
check Google, you check Twitter,

you check Snapchat,

and if you're up for it,
you check Venmo.

Venmo?

If they're splitting costs,
you're splitting up.

Right.

Good luck, Zoey. Get to work.

I'll keep you posted.

- Don't be weird. Get me a napkin.
- Okay.

So, like a good student,

I was gonna follow
Ana's advice to the letter.

The deep dive was officially on.

Start by searching for who Luca follows.

Here we go.

Be efficient.
Cover all possible spellings.

Okay, there's two of them.

A white one with a private page.

Get over yourself, White Juliette.

The other one is...

This is her. Found her.

Damn. He still follows her.

Figure out when they were last
publicly seen together.

That's going to be around
the time when they broke up.

Now that you've figured out
when they broke up,

you need to slow down

and inspect every photo post-breakup

to see if there's any level
of communication.

This is where the real work begins.

Sorry, Mom and Dad!

Sorry I couldn't be
your perfect little princess!

- Bye.
- Thank you.

It does get better.

- It does?
- Oh, not today.

But, you know, life.

Right.

Okay, so, just out of curiosity,

did you ever try that
stalker-y mess with me?

Don't flatter yourself. No.

Okay, good, 'cause it's
a little... a little crazy.

Okay, hey, girls only get "crazy"

because guys never offer up

any real information about their past.

Well, if two people are into each other,

shouldn't that be enough?

That's not how women work.

Okay. Well, then, why don't you, uh...

school me on the ways
of a woman, Miss Torres?

Hm?

- Uh, thank you.
- All right. You're welcome.

Thank you. Well, all I'm saying is,

a woman deserves to know the backstory

of all of your patterns...
you know, the... the cheating,

the ghosting, the gym selfies...

so we know how much to be invested.

I disagree.
I think that it's my business.

Okay, but if I'm thinking
about being with you,

then, technically,
it's my business, too.

Oh. So, you're thinking
about being with me?

- Oh. Wow. See? Okay.
- What?

This is why we won't work.
Because I'm actually trying

to have a serious conversation with you,

and you're sitting over here
just acting like a dummy.

Just because I don't think that

you have the right to stalk
my past makes me a dummy?

No, it's just... it's... it's
you that makes you a dummy.

Okay. What's happening?

I'm... I'm missing something.

Honestly.

Is it the hot dogs?

I followed Ana's deep-dive
instructions meticulously.

I hit every major outlet...

I mean, I even sank to Facebook,

where I temporarily
fell down a rabbit hole

of Juliette's parents' page.

But it wasn't a total loss

because it gave me
some much-needed context.

For example, this may seem like
an average photo of Luca

holding a little slice of heaven.

But thanks to my deep dive,

I know that this is actually
Juliette's parents' dog, Xavier,

who nearly perished
in a tragic gazebo fire.

#xavierstrong.

Luca thought I wasn't gonna find this...

I accidentally liked it.

I flew too close to the sun.

You know what? I'll just unlike it.

Simple. Simple. Wait.

Will it be weird if he gets
a notification that it's liked,

and then goes back to check
and sees that it's unliked?

"Black Mirror." You know what?

I'm just gonna like the photo again.

That's not weird, right?

Right?!

I'm gonna do it anyway.

Well, now it only
makes sense for me to go back

and like every single photo of
his I can find, right? Right?!

How's it going out there?

Oh, everything's fine and cool.

I was just taking
a casual art break, babe.

Oh.

And, uh, how's the cyber-stalking?

Well...

you have a matching tattoo with your ex.

And you still communicate.

You liked a photo of Xavier.

Zoey, I'm cool with all my exes
and their pets.

Well, how many exes have there been?

- Nah, bro. I'm not doing this.
- Mm. No, we are doing this.

Because otherwise, how many more times

am I gonna have to go searching?

Is there a Juliette for each
and every tattoo on your body?

I want to know.
I want to know everything.

I mean, what do y... What
do you really want from me,

a... a body count?

Um...

yeah.

Yes, I do.

Yikes. Okay.

Fine.

Ballpark, like... uh...

That's one sold-out ballpark.

Zo... Zoey, are you okay?

Are you with God right now?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I was just taking a second

to count the amount of people
I've been with.

One... two...

Oh, nailed it! I'm back.

I knew this was gonna happen.

Oh, no, nothing happened.
You've done nothing wrong.

I just... maybe need a minute or two.

Which, again, is the amount
of people I've been with.

Dos.

That's "two" in Spanish.

How did it go today?

It was... loud?

Ah, gotcha.

I just had a hard time connecting
with a girl screaming at me.

Art is weird.

I hear you.

Listen, gay people can make bad art too.

Yeah, I said it.

I get it. I just feel like
I need some sort of...

crash course in q*eer culture.

On it.

Clear your schedule next week.

In the meantime,
listen to the good stuff.

Call me after you've listened to it.

Enough with the texting.

Art sucks.

Yeah.

The arts programs should be cancelled.

And NPR. And Elizabeth Warren.

You know what? Just eat your crackers.

And the deep dive was a bust,
by the way.

So, thank you very little.

All it did was mess with my head.

Hey, no, don't blame the dive.

You wanted answers about
his past, you got them.

But it made things worse

because I can't do anything about it.

Like, it's actual t*rture.

Yeah, I get it.

But if you think about it,

Luca seems pretty tolerant of your past.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying,
Aaron's around all the time.

Aaron? So?

I mean, like, Aaron and I
were never a thing.

So, sure, we hooked up, but it's
not like we were ever in love.

I mean...

- ...that is true.
- Huh.

I guess... I never considered that.

Yeah, well, back to my point...

Before this morning,
I actually trusted him.

So, you feel like he broke that trust?

No, not exactly.

I just...

I feel insecure, and I have
more questions than ever now.

Okay. If you're having
questions, that's one thing.

But if you're feeling insecure,

that's not something
the deep dive can fix.

That's a you problem.

Ouch.

Hey, but what do I know?

No, I slept with a box
of crackers last night.

Uh, it's open.

Oh.

You know, I'm gonna head out.

I'll uh... give you two some privacy.

'Kay. Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I know how much that
tattoo bothered you, so...

I got it covered up.

Already?

And that is just a Band-Aid
with my name on it.

My ink guy lives in Ecuador
on a tapioca farm,

so... I did my best.

It's not bad.

Look, um... I'm sorry I put
you out there like that.

And I'm sorry if I shut down
your questions about Juliette.

I just...

I process sh*t through art,

and if you need to process
sh*t through questions,

then... ask away.

W... Really?

Anything.

My mind was racing.

I was sure no girlfriend ever
had been granted such access.

Boundaries be damned.

I could have the answer to
any question about his past.

Questions like... "Who was your first?

Did you love her?

Have you ever had your heart broken?"

"Have you ever been with
an older woman?"

Okay. Then that sounds
like a plan. I'll be there.

"Have you ever fallen for someone

you knew was totally wrong for you?"

I'm sorry I was trying to
push you away. I just...

And the scariest question of all...

"Do I love you more than you love me?"

Floor is yours, kid.

But you better be ready
to hear the answer

because it's a line
that can't be uncrossed.

No. I'm good.

Hello.

This one.

It should be just like this,
except with my name.

You want me to get "Zoey" tattooed
across my whole entire back?

Yes.

All right, I mean, you know,
part of the deal is that

- you have to get one, too.
- Oh, yeah, trust.

I'm thinking of getting #xavierstrong.

He was a good dog.

"Was"?

Yeah. The gazebo didn't get him,
but the canine gingivitis did.

You know what? You're right.

Let's just get yours lasered off.

All right, babe.