03x02 - Damn

[bunniefuu]

Normally, I'd have something

really poetic and clever to say.

But since Nomi's pregnancy b*mb
had left us all speechless

and in a situation
that was anything but normal,

there were no words.

At least, no eloquent ones.

Your pregnant ass is pregnant?

Um, actually,

what I think Sky
really meant to say was...

how'd you get...

...you know, a-all that?

- Mm.
- Isn't it obvious?

She didn't just
slip and fall on the "D."

Thank you, Jazz, for that.

Uh, anyway, okay, I know I was gonna
have to do this at some point,

so... here it goes.

Remember the day
that I ended things with Paige?

Who the hell is Paige?

The old lady teacher

who looked like
she was tweaking on meth?

She was a professor
of a class you were in,

but she doesn't work
at the school anymore,

so it doesn't even matter.

- Because of the dr*gs?
- Okay, dudes,

can you just let Nomi continue?

Anyway...

after I ended things with Paige...

I can't do this.

...I met up with Zoey for margaritas.

So many margaritas.

And after she left,
I stayed and kinda met a guy,

and then I kinda went home with him.

And then I kinda slipped and...

you know, fell on the "D."

And that concludes

the informational portion
of this meeting.

So, bingo bango, I'm having me a baby.

Mazel tov.

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

- We're having a house baby!
- Yep.

We're hugging.

- Yay.
- Yay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Now, obviously, having a baby in college

is, like, a very complicated situation.

Um... then, you know,

- I just have to ask the hard question.
- Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you uncomplicate...

the situation?

Because she decided to do
the brave and moral thing

and keep it.

I knew you'd come to my side.

You're gonna love Jesus.

Okay, slow up, Ana Coulter.
Still pro-choice.

- Just chose what was right for me.
- Right.

- And we fully support you, obviously.
- Mm-hmm.

You're just choosing to take on such

a-a huge responsibility at 20.

Last semester, you couldn't even
keep your aloe plant alive.

And now you're gonna need that
for all those stretch marks.

All right, you guys, women our age
have children all the time, okay?

Solange did it, Kylie Jenner did it,

and my personal hero, Whoopi Goldberg.

I mean, she did it.

Okay, well, do you plan on
making it work under this roof?

Because we just blew

our entire athletic housing
stipend on this house,

and we were really planning
to rock out with our...

Pause.

Baby in the womb.

All right, y-you guys can
rage here every day, okay?

- I mean, nothing's gonna change.
- Oh, no, no.

But to be fair, a lot of things
probably should change.

No, look. Oh, gosh.

This is exactly why
I didn't want to tell you guys,

because I knew you were
gonna get really weird,

and I just... you know, I want
everything to be normal.

But you're normally not pregnant.

Then pretend I'm not pregnant.

Okay? Just treat me like normal Nomi.

Fine, normal Nomi.

Since you're the last one
to arrive to the house,

you get the haunted room

with the creepy, little ghost girl.

Yeah, she just sits
at the foot of the bed

on her squeaky, little tricycle,

beckoning you to Hell.

Bright side...

she and her little house baby
might be friends.

Guys, I cannot stop thinking
about this Nomi mess, you know?

I... Having a kid with somebody
I barely even know...

it's... it's my worst nightmare.

I try to stay safe,
but after a super-turnt night,

there's definitely been a few times

where, you know, I've...

Raw-dogged it with some randos

because you don't love yourself?

- Oh.
- That's beside the point.

What I'm trying to say is that

Nomi's baby daddy's out there
in the world somewhere

minding his own business, then... bam...

finds out he has a little seed
running around.

That's...

That's terrifying, you know?

It could be any one of us.

Mnh-mnh. Couldn't be me, fam.

I stay strapped. All times.

- Every single time?
- Yes, sir.

Thank God I have a natural glow.

Could not sleep at all last
night thinking about Nomi.

There's just so much
I am dying to ask her,

but I feel like I can't,

with this whole
"treat her normal" thing.

- No?
- Ooh.

No.

This is for Nomi.

Folic acid for the baby's brain,

calcium for strong bones...

oh, and if it's a boy,

plantains so his pinga can grow.

Cuban legend.

This little prenatal spread

is treating her anything but normal.

Well, a normal breakfast for Nomi

is a Diet Coke with a side
of wake and bake.

You're not wrong, but look,

as her ladies,
we have to respect her wishes,

no matter how absurd
they may seem, okay?

- Hi, there, Mommy.
- Hey.

How... Oh. How was your night?

Did you see the little dead girl
at the edge of your bed?

- I did not. No.
- Oh.

I did.

Seriously? Where's my soda?

Well, uh, when, uh, you showed up in...

your condition, I tossed what we had.

Ana...

I did, however, make you this.

It may or may not have to do

with providing your baby

the necessary
nutritional values it needs

- to grow an adequate brain stem.
- Hmm?

That's cool.

Well, if Nomi's cool
with Ana's prenatal buffet,

I'm sure she's open
to a couple questions, right?

Right.

I'm going in.

So, cute wittle mommy-to-be,

do you have an OB-GYN out here yet?

- 'Cause, like, if not...
- Mm-hmm.

...my mom could totally
refer you to one.

Yeah, sure. I'm open to that.

She's open. That's great.

Time to turn up the heat.

So you know, now that
I'm thinking about it,

you never really told us

how your parents feel about everything.

Mm. Right.

Well, their only child

who they sent across the country
to get a mediocre education

is returning
with their bastard grandchild.

So... they're not, like...
mm, you know, thrilled.

But your baby doesn't
have to be a bastard.

It has a father.

Which... You know,
now that you bring that up,

you never exactly told us his name.

It's Phil.

- Phil?
- Phil?

- Phil.
- And where's Phil from?

Yeah, does Phil go to school here?

- What's his political affiliation?
- Mm.

All right, I love you both very much,

but I see what you're doing here.

So, I'm gonna take
my baby brain-stem breakfast

and go to my room.

Looks great. Thank you.

We turned up the heat too high.

sh*t! I forgot about Yolanda.

Dude, what are you doing?

He's Insta-stalking girls he's
had one-night stands with

to see if he has
an unclaimed baby out there.

Nomi's got your boy shook.

Gross.

I dodged a b*llet with you.

I'm sorry that I've actually
lived a life, Ana.

I seriously hope
you make some changes, man.

Hey, guys, where's Nomi?

I only keep up with Blac Chyna
and the Lord.

Okay, did you guys have
a falling out or something?

Uh, no. What would make you say that?

I mean, 'cause girls
are usually open books.

I mean, your girl rolls in
five months pregnant

without any of you knowing?

That's weird.

Even I tell my boys everything.

- Aaron, what day do I blast my quads?
- Tuesday.

Doug, what's my
least favorite vegetable?

I don't keep up with your food pyramid.

- Broccoli.
- Broccoli. Ah.

Okay, well, I know that Nomi
hates working out, asparagus,

and Ariana Grande's speaking voice,

which means I know
everything there is to know

about my best friend, too.

Yeah, except the most important
thing that's ever happened to her.

- 'Sup, freaks?
- Hey.

- Yo.
- Hey.

The only thing worse than a breakup

is that awkward phase
with your ex after the breakup.

You know the one.

The one where it's like,
"I'm cool, you're cool,

but we've both seen
each other naked" phase.

Hey.

How you do... H-How you... livin'?

Uh, just leaving philosophy.

Was just gonna post up
until the Intro to Beekeeping.

We've got to save those bees.

True. Respect.

Uh, what's going on here?

Well, I'm... not really much
of a gossip, so...

If that's your truth.

Well, actually, you know what?

I realize it doesn't even
count as gossip,

'cause you're gonna figure it
out as soon as you see her.

Get this... Nomi showed up yesterday...

five months pregnant.

Shocking, right?

Uh... not really. I knew months ago.

How?

She told me.

With her mouth?

So, just a few days into Junior year,

everything I had
envisioned for it was off.

Titanium looked different,

I had a tricycle-riding
ghost girl living in my room,

and my best friend
had told my ex-boyfriend

the news about her pregnancy before me.

Guys, doesn't any of this
feel wrong to you?

I actually like it. It's super-sexy.

The couches are comfy.

Oh, and the bathroom has mints.

Correction... had mints.

Yo, I'm talking about the fact

that Nomi told Luca she was pregnant

and not any of us.

Zoey, come on.
It's her life, her business.

Who cares who she told first?

What she said.

Sure, but, Jazz,
really think about it...

How would you feel
if one of us confided in Doug

after you broke up?

See, this year,
I'm really trying to refrain

from having thoughts
of throwing these hands.

Do not send me down
that dark path, Zoey.

All I'm saying is, if I'm being
completely honest,

it kind of feels personal.

Like, did I do something wrong?

I'm just really trying
to wrap my head around

why she wouldn't tell me
something this major first.

- Well, now's your chance to ask her.
- Great.

Oof. Pregnant lady at the bar?

Not a good look.

Oh, wait, she still has to buy
those rounds, though, right?

Uh-huh.

Yo, yo, yo, yo. Look at this.

This is a post from four years ago.

On this day in 2016,

I hooked up with a girl named Sheraya.

- Sheriya?
- 'Kay.

I forget how to pronounce it fully.

Damn. I would raw-dog that.

My point... someone did raw-dog this,

'cause, look, she has a baby.

This kid looks like
he's three years old.

Do you get where I'm going here?
Do the math.

"Am I a father?"
is what I'm asking you guys.

Oh, you're not a father.

- Oh, he could be the father.
- I could be.

If I am, which it looks like I might be,

I'm just gonna have to own up to
my responsibilities, you know?

Like Furious Styles did
when he had Tre at 17.

Wait, who's Furious Styles?

Who's Furious Sty...
He's kidding, right?

Furious Styles, from "Boyz n the Hood."

Probably, in my opinion, the
greatest portrayal of a black father

in cinematic history.
He was firm, yet loving.

He also worked his ass off

to become a vessel of change
in the black community,

and when Tre was acting weird,
hitting the air like that,

he didn't treat him bad.

When he knew he lost his virginity,

he didn't treat him bad.

- He loved him.
- Yeah.

Spoiler alert.

I got to do the right thing.

Bro, I respect what you're saying,

but she didn't reach out to you

to say that you have a kid.

So why open up Pandora's box for that?

Well, because, Doug,

Furious Styles
would have opened that box.

- No questions asked.
- Okay. All right.

Rip the paper off, open the box, baby.

My baby. I'm gonna find you.

So, for the past 10 minutes,

Nomi's been making small talk

about how different Titanium is,

and despite feeling like our
friendship is a fractured mess,

I'm just trying to keep it cool.

Zo, you good?

Y-You're, uh, being awfully quiet.

I'm really well. Thank you.

I'm taking the high road.

So... you told Luca.

I failed.

Yeah. I did.
And it's not a big deal, okay?

I just figured if anyone was gonna
understand, it would be him,

and I knew he was gonna be
really chill about it.

Like, no judgment.

And when do I judge?

What you're doing feels wrong.

No, actually, it... it feels very wrong.

Posts like these just seem so... basic,

and I'm here trying to make art.

You're a shady piece
of backstabbing trash.

Just own it, Zoey.

We love you, but you're a teeny...

lots-y bit judgmental,

and everyone knows that you can
never be chill or normal

- about anything.
- Nope.

I am... I'm super-chill

and, quite honestly, abnormally normal.

I'm "Fifth Harmony Normani at
Norms Diner with Norman Reedus

serving up hot, fresh normal...

...24 hours, seven days a week"
type normal.

Yeah, nothing about
what you just said was normal.

Mm.

And nothing about
this entire situation is normal.

You show up five months pregnant

with... with no type of heads-up,

and the only person
you chose to tell was my ex.

Do you know how that makes me feel?

Because we are supposed to be
best friends,

not you and him.

And so, I-I really do apologize

if I am not being normal,

but the entire thing is nuts.

Do you want to know what's weirder

than a pregnant lady in a bar?

What?

Someone yelling
at the pregnant lady in the bar.

Now you get why I told Luca, not you?

Hmm?

And why I'm never telling you
anything ever again?

What?

With everything about the past few days

being anything but normal,

I was trying to make sense of it all,

which led me back to the one thing

that still felt sort of familiar.

Hey.

Hey, uh, sorry for the drop-in.

I just...

I have a quick question.

Okay.

Am I a bad friend?

- I don't know. I'm not on Facebook.
- Dude, come on.

I need someone who really knows
me to answer honestly.

Like, am I a bad friend?

Where's all this coming from?

From Nomi telling you
she was pregnant and not me.

And something's obviously wrong, right?

I mean, to be honest with you,

she told me 'cause
she knew I'd just listen

and not be all in her sh*t.

W... And I would?

You wouldn't not.

But what if that's what she needs?

It doesn't matter
what you think Nomi needs

if that's not what
she's telling you she wants.

You might be right.

Well, thank you for your honesty,

and I should be going now.

Cool place, by the way.

Hey.

You good?

I'm great.

I don't see it.

If anything,

he looks like a young Mahershala Ali.

Mahershala Ali has never looked young.

Nah, I definitely see it.

He's got Aaron's eyes

and the same little pointy elbows.

Listen, if he is my kid,

why would Sheraya
try and hide him from me?

Bro, why are you so pressed
to be this kid's father?

The reality is,

she would have hit you if he was yours.

You're right.
I'm trippin'. I'm trippin'.

If he was my kid, I'd know it.

Come on.

Hey, buddy. Here you go.

Now what do you have to say?

Nothing. That's him.

That's Aaron Jr.

Here's some diet soda deliciousness,

A.K.A. three sips
that I diluted with water,

and I may or may not have dissolved

a multivitamin in there.

It was both disgusting

and also delightfully refreshing.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Um... w-w-w-what's all this?

Just hand-me-down baby clothes

from Jazz and Sky's cousin.

They dropped them off
on their way to practice.

It turns out
they actually have feelings.

Oh.

Look, Nomi, I'm so sorry

that I made you feel like
you couldn't share

one of the biggest things that's
ever happened to you with me.

Look, I wanted to tell you, okay?

Just... you know you.

I do.

I've also heard I can be
a little judgmental...

Mm-hmm.

...and opinionated at times,

so... I-I get why you went to Luca.

- Well, thank you for understanding.
- Of course.

I understand that Luca

never gives an opinion about anything

and that he's a safe bet,

but I-I guess what I'm trying to say is

I'm not here to be that, you know?

I'm really trying to be a re...
a real friend to you,

which means giving it to you
straight 100% of the time,

and I know I could have
handled things so much better,

but do you want a safe bet

or do you want someone that's
here to help you through this

very real, very hard situation?

Zoey, you think I don't know
this is a hard situation?

I don't know what you think,

because you haven't opened up
about anything.

Okay, you want to know what I think?

I think I may have made, like,
a really big mistake.

Nomi, it's a mistake

that could have happened
to any of us, though.

No, it couldn't have, 'cause

at every point when I had the choice

to stop this from happening...

I didn't.

I knew what I was doing with that guy.

S-So, you wanted a baby?

I didn't, like, not want it.

I just didn't care.

And I know that I was really reckless.

I was just in such
an emotionally messed-up place

after the breakup,

and then when I actually
found out I was pregnant,

I thought, like,

"You know, would it be
the worst thing in the world

to have a little someone

who would love me unconditionally?"

And now I'm just worried that...

that I made a mistake,
but it's too late now.

I'm really, really scared.

Nomi.

In any other instance,

I would have chimed in
with a million opinions

and possibly a few harsh judgments,

but this time was different.

And even though
I wasn't going to back down

from being an honest friend,

I decided that the best thing
for Nomi in that moment...

...was to say absolutely nothing at all.

Hey, son.

Uh... I see you playing with your car.

You know, I liked cars, too,
when I was your age.

Is that your favorite toy?

I was a late talker, too.

Wow. This is surreal, you know?

Look, I-I know that this is awkward

for the both of us.

I lost a lot of time in your life,

and I'm sorry for that.

But I'm here now.

I'm gonna make things right.

Starting with this. You want some candy?

You understood that, didn't you?

Hey!

The hell you doing with my son?!

Your son?

But he has my...

Take care of him, man.

Raise him right.