02x05 - Family Day

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

How could I not remember?

When people experience a loss of time,

it's often because they've
been abducted by aliens.

I'm an alien.

We are very good at
changing people's memories.

FBI. The m*rder*r is
not Harry Vanderspeigle.

Guess what... you're not
getting your ball back.

I've hidden it where
you'll never find it.

Abigail Hodges, you're under arrest

for the m*rder of Sam Hodges.

I have built a radio.

The signal will tell my people

not to come and k*ll everyone...

for years.

- We need to stop it!
- No!

It's receiving a signal.

It's a phone number from New York City.

Sunny went into labor all of a sudden.

- I can fix it.
- Let the doctor do his job.

I've held a lot of babies
since Jay was born.

I understand now why you feel guilty.

[SIREN WAILING]

- _
- [INTENSE MUSIC]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Go after him.

Flush him out. I'll meet
you on the other side.

I got it.

Police, drop the w*apon! [g*nsh*t]

sh*t.

Dispatch, this is unit
. I got sh*ts fired.

Need backup at my location.

- Jesse! Jesse!
- Copy that.

Backup en route.

Jesse?

Jesse?

[SIRENS WAILING]

[ECHOING] I got an officer down.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Mike.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Come on, man, I know you're in there.

- Bill, I can't do that, man.
- [SIGHS]

Mike, you're the only one he
would have trusted with him.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

- [PUPPY WHIMPERS]
- [SIGHS]

You take care of yourself, okay?

Thanks. Thanks, man.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFLES] I miss him, too, Cletus.

- [WHIMPERS]
- [SNIFFLES]

Welcome to your new home.

[LAIDBACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

, miles...

That's how close I am to New York City,

to one of my people.

, miles from standing
in front of a being

who knows what I know...

who has stood in the ice
wind desert as a child.

I am different now.

Asta knows this version of me,

but I am , miles
from being with someone

who knows the alien part of me...

The real me.

- _
- [DANA SIPOS' "HOODOO"]

So why can I not dial this number?

♪ Hoodoos ♪

♪ Do not take their shape for you ♪

♪ Trace your eye down
their rocky spire ♪

♪ Laced with limestone
and wind and fire ♪

- Hey.
- Oh.

Hey.

It was nice to talk to you last night.

Kind of felt like old times again.

- What?
- Oh.

W-what... what are you upset about?

Nothing happened. All we
did was talk about Jay.

- Yeah, I know.
- Asta.

- I shouldn't have come here.
- I did...

- Please, you don't have to go.
- Yes, I do.

♪ It lives in a fistful of sky ♪

♪ Just beyond your reach ♪

Nice seeing you at Laurant's last night.

Mm, mm.

I saw you left pretty quickly.

You know, if there's ever anything

you want to talk about,
like, no big deal,

but you can talk to me.

[SIGHS] Thank you, Deputy.

Now that you mention it,

I'd like to know what
you've been scribbling down

in your little notebook there.

You doing another solo investigation?

Do you remember my dress you
picked up from the cleaners?

The one I don't remember dropping off?

And what dress you talking about?

You talking about that green dress,

or you talking about that
dress you talk about every day

like it's some kind of
government conspiracy?

- You have to admit it's weird.
- [SIGHS]

Basically the whole day is a blank.

- Do you remember it?
- I mean, no.

But I can't remember what I
had for breakfast this morning.

You know, ask me what
color socks I'm wearing.

What color socks are you wearing?

Well, actually, I'm wearing black socks

'cause that's all I own...
is black socks.

But if I did own socks
that was a different color,

I wouldn't remember
what color I was wearing.

You know why? It don't matter.

Sir, you might want to look at this.

What the hell she doing?
That's Miss Taylor bike.

Oh, sh*t. Hell, no. Hell, no!

Hey, get off that bike!
Get off that damn bike!

- That ain't your bike.
- Come on, Sheriff!

Hey, I can outrun that bike!

Ellen?

[OBJECT ROLLING]

Hey, Ellen, can you cover for me?

I got to take care of something.

- Sure.
- Okay. Thanks.

I won't be long.

Close call. [SIGHS]

Almost as close as you were

to getting your eye poked out by a tree.

In my defense, I had just
had dinner with my parents.

Also, that tree was
waving pretty wildly.

Listen, as a medical professional,

I suggest you drink a little less.

But as a single bitch
living in this dead-ass town,

I suggest you invite me out next time.

Wow.

All right.

- Yeah, there's more of that.
- Okay.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

What do you mean you got a
phone number from an alien?

Why didn't you tell me
sooner? What did they say?

Well, I did not call.
It might be a trap.

It's not a trap.

If you worried more about traps,

then you would still be in the ocean

instead of in a box of water
in the mountains. [LAUGHS]

Does this thing have to
keep popping into my head?

You think I like it in there?

It's darker than the woods
in a Tim Burton movie.

You shut the hell up
about what's in my head

and stop putting the TV
on in front of this thing.

He's not calling

because he's afraid his
people will reject him.

He's worried he's too human.

That is a lie!

- Liars do not get food.
- I'm kidding.

Can't you take a joke?
It's obviously a trap.

Good octopus.

Okay. We don't have any other leads.

And if we don't do anything,
everyone is going to die.

So, if you don't call
that phone number, I will.

Fine.

Okay.

- [LINE TRILLING]
- Mm.

Hello. Can I talk to the alien, please?

[PERSON SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Mm.

He hung up.

He knows my mother.

And they had intercourse.

Demelio's Pizzeria, East Third Street.

Pack your bags. We're going to New York.

I cannot go to New York.
The octopus is right.

I have changed. I am too human.

What if the alien will not help me?

I heard that. He just admitted it.

Get out of my head.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Well, answer it. It might be them.

Hello?

Morning, Doc. It's the Sheriff.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hi, Dad.

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCOFFS]

This is weird... She looks like me,

if I fell face-first
into a pile of metal.

At first, I thought she was just

some hippie drifter from Boulder,

but, uh, then she showed
me this right here.

[GROANS]

I remember this.

This was the day she sat on my knee,

and we looked at the camera,

and that person took our photograph.

Yes, the daughter you've
been telling me so much about,

from your first wife before Isabelle,

and her name is...

right on the tip of my tongue.

Um, I think she said Liza.

Liza is her name.

- Liza is her name.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm very fertile.

This is my sweet little girl.

Well, we caught your sweet little girl

trying to steal a bike.

It turns out she's got a record

for shoplifting in, uh, New Mexico.

Her mama sent her to
a camp for troubled teens,

but she ran away 'cause she's troubled.

She also pulled my hair.

It didn't hurt, though.
I have strong roots.

Are you even aware of what's going on

- with your daughter, Doc?
- Yes.

Thank you for arresting her
and throwing her in jail.

Well, hold on... I don't think
there's any need for that,

at least not yet.

I'm all right with releasing
her into your custody.

No, you throw her in jail.

[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY] He's joking.

He'll take her home.

Is this how humans feel
when they have a child...

Angry and resentful for having
to care for a tiny thing?

If she were a pet bird,

I would leave the cage door open

and the ceiling fan on.

So, Liza, boot camp, huh?
Why were you sent there?

- m*rder.
- Cool.

Maybe we should call your mom,
have her come pick you up.

Good luck... My mom
is in Italy right now,

getting fingered on a Vespa.

Good talk.

It's a bad... it's a bad talk.
That was bad.

Why are you acting so weird?

Wait, are you high?

Yes.

Yes, he is. Ugh.

It's legal in Colorado.

Do not bum my stone, man.

Go home to your mother.

Asta will take you to the airport.

That was quick.

You usually at least pretend

for a few days before
you tell me to leave.

I'll make it real easy
for you. Have a nice life.

Okay, I will.

- Where is the bacon lady?
- [DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE]

- You can't just let her leave.
- Mm?

She wants to go.

She wants her father.
We have to help her.

An hour ago, you wanted
to go to New York

to save the rest of the humans.

You are flip-floppy.

She happens to be one of those humans.

You k*lled her father,

so we are staying here
until we get her safely home.

She does not need our help.

She's already making friends.

sh*t.

I think we can make that happen, yeah.

- You ever been on one before?
- Oh, yes.

Let's do this thing.

- Hey, nice bike.
- Thanks.

I had the same one in high school.

She's , so get the hell out of here.

Faster.

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

You're not my mother.

I know. She's doing the Vespa thing.

Look, I want to help you.

Because you're my dad's newest sex toy?

Oh, my God, knock it off.
We just work together.

Yeah, you're a little too old for him.

Look, my mom left me when I was a baby,

so I know a few things
about being abandoned.

So now I'm your therapist?

- You know what? Eat sh*t.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Laugh it off.

And have a little pity
party while you're at it.

I'm not going to let
you get on a motorcycle

and get b*at up by some
assh*le biker, okay?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Did you really used to
have that motorcycle?

No, my assh*le biker boyfriend did.

I don't think my mom even
wanted to go to Italy.

I think she just needed
an excuse to ship me off.

I figured...

I hadn't seen my dad in a while.

I was just borrowing that
bike to get to the cabin.

I'm not a thief.

Not really.

I mean, I do steal a lot of sh*t.

[GIGGLES]

Something's different.

At least he used to go through
the motions of being a father.

Yeah, well...

he's not the same man you used to know.

Maybe just give him a chance.

I really miss you, Aunt Cathy.

You were the only one I ever told

about the UFO I saw when I was a kid...

except John.

He thinks I'm crazy but loves me anyway.

God, I really hope you can hear me.

Aunt Cathy, if you're listening,

please give me a sign.

- Liv!
- Oh!

- Hey, Liv.
- Hey.

Just bringing Max by.

His first father-son
trip to the cemetery.

- What is that tall thing?
- Ah.

That is a monument honoring the .

The star on top represents

the man that they went back to save.

It's more than a monument.

They're all actually buried under there.

It's a mass grave kind of thing.

Awesome.

Really? Huh.

Well, uh, you'll be
happy to hear this year

at Patience Family Day,
the theme is "Remember When."

So we'll be honoring the ...
Max, stop digging.

I'm trying to rebrand
the whole narrative,

you know, just remind people that

these aren't just dead men.

You know, these are... these are heroes.

Mm, that sounds great.

Yeah. We're going to
have mining-themed games.

Kids are putting on a play

- written by yours truly.
- Ah.

Hey, maybe even get real authentic...

Swap out the toilet
paper in the porta-potties

- for corn husks.
- Yeah, maybe not that one.

Ah, I already started shucking.

- Well, uh, good to see you.
- Yeah.

Okay. Come on, Max.

Hey, Max, I've been meaning
to ask you something.

You know that sketch you had me do...

The... the one of the alien?

Oh, um... yeah,
I made all that stuff up.

Aliens aren't real.

Well, it looks like
she's been here before.

Nice talking with you.

This is a bad idea.
I do not like children.

Yes, you do.

I saw the way you
looked at Sunny's baby.

That is different. A baby is tiny.

And it doesn't speak.

Well, every baby grows into a Liza.

Then why do you feed them?

'Cause if you don't, they will die.

No, mm-mm. Don't even think about it.

Anything happens to
her or if she leaves,

we will have much bigger problems.

Okay, keep her alive and happy

until her mom comes home in a few days

and we go to New York and save humanity.

Also, try to act as normal as possible

and keep the door to
your alien bunker locked

and the talking octopus in your room.

I have got this.

I can be a good father.

I've seen a lot of television.

Ugh, what happened to the Wi-Fi?

And it smells like dead people up here.

Then you should take a shower...

my darling daughter.

[STEADY COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Adiós, mi amigo, adiós ♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Buddy, you took my spot.

Glad to see you got a new truck.

It was the, uh, problem
with the emergency brake

- on the last one, right?
- Oh, you're real funny.

You could have k*lled someone.

Now you're pretending to
care about other people.

Hey, maybe show me how much
you care with your fist.

That's you do things, right?

Looks like you already
lost one fight today.

But keep playing with
me, and we'll make it two.

It would be the honor of my life

to lay your ass out.

In fact, I'll do it twice...
Once for me, once for Asta.

Well, if she's so upset,

why did she stay at my house last night?

Mm.

Bullshit.

[ENGINE TURNING OVER, REVS]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

Yeah, good to see you.

Hey, hey.

Got some good news.

Oh, yeah, the Nats won four in a row.

I'm not talking about the Nationals.

My biopsy came back negative.

Biopsy? What biopsy?

You're the one who kept nagging me

to get my mole checked.

You drove me to the clinic.

[SCOFFS] What? When?

Two weeks ago.

Well, obviously you didn't
tell me it was for a biopsy,

or I would have remembered.

Of course I told you.

You ain't been the same since D.C.

You got to deal with that.

See a doctor, psychiatrist,

- hell, anybody.
- Mm-hmm.

Tell me, why exactly should
I take mental-health advice

from somebody who stayed
holed up in the house,

refusing to speak to
anybody for six months

- when Mama d*ed, huh?
- [SIGHS]

Yeah, well, I'm not the one
carrying a deadly w*apon.

Okay, all right, you know what?

Is this... is this what
we have now? Is this us?

We just gonna fight all the time?

I got friends. They got dads.

They go to games.
They go fishing and sh*t.

We ain't done nothing like
that since I was a kid.

Instead, all I got is
you sitting across from me

telling me all the things
you think are wrong with me.

You're a young man.

It's not normal to
forget stuff like that.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

- What are we eating?
- [GRUNTS]

This is missing something. What is it?

Oh, right, flavor.

Have you ever heard of
salt or a-a vegetable maybe?

I did have some vegetables,

but they grew organisms on them.

You know I can't eat gluten.

Did you forget that, or are
you purposely trying to k*ll me?

Would gluten k*ll you?

- I'll just starve.
- Mm.

You need to call my boot camp
and tell them that I'm with you

and I'm too sick to go back.

That would be lying.

Lying is bad, young lady.

I will now discipline you

by sending you to bed without supper.

I already told you...

I'm not going to eat
your shitty gut-b*mb pasta.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

More... more gluten for me.

Enjoy.

I am.

I know you feel like you're different.

You are different.

You can see what's going on.

Aliens are real.

Hey, uh, Deputy, where are you?

That car was supposed
to be back an hour ago.

Uh, just at the market
picking up supplies

- for the break room.
- Hey, uh, Dep.

You know what? While you're there,

go ahead and pick me up a lotto ticket.

Go ahead pick up one for Cletus, too.

Sure thing, Sheriff.

- You want a lotto ticket?
- [GRUNTS]

[SIGHS, MUTTERING TO SELF]

You spent the night at Jimmy's?

- It's not what you think.
- What is wrong with you?

How do you even get within
ten feet of that creep

- without ripping his face off?
- Shh.

We had to deliver my cousin
Sunny's baby, okay?

It messed with my head.

Okay, great. So call your friends.

- You don't understand.
- No, I really don't.

Well, Jimmy does, so it's
not a terrible surprise

that I want to talk to
him about it and not you.

I guess I'm just somebody
who doesn't like watching

their best friend ruin their life.

Oh, really?

And that's just something for me to do?

What is that supposed to mean?

You think I don't know
that you come in here

for hangover IVs?

Sorry, D'arcy.

You want to talk about
watching friends ruin lives?

- Let's talk about it.
- You know, it's weird.

You didn't seem worried about this

until I started helping Jay.

Oh, is that what you're doing?

You're "helping" her?

Yes.

She needs somebody to talk to.

Maybe she'll listen to my dating advice.

I'm not so sure you're the best person

to be giving advice about men.

Wow.

- D'arce.
- Okay.

[DOOR OPENS, SLAMS]

[SOMBER MUSIC]

[BLUESY MUSIC]

Where's Murphy?

"If you ever want to see your dog again,

return my alien ball... Alien."

[SCOFFS] It's not even your dog.

- We win again.
- No, we don't.

Murphy's my responsibility.

Her owners pay me to walk her.

We have to get her back.

Humans are obsessed with pets.

If I give Liza this
slobbering lump of fur,

she will become so distracted
taking care of the dog,

I won't have to take care of her.

Liza, dear child, I have a gift for you.

[PANTING, WHIMPERS]

Mm-hmm.

A dog?

What am I supposed
to do with that thing?

You know mom's allergic.

This will be more difficult
than I first thought.

[LIQUID SPLASHING]

[MCELROY BROS.' "CAN'T
YOU SEE MY SMILIN'"]

♪ Can't you see me smiling, baby? ♪

♪ Can't you see this face of mine? ♪

♪ Can't you see I'm getting tired? ♪

♪ Even though I seem all right ♪

♪ It's not my life I'm worried about ♪

♪ Or my health, if it's weak or strong ♪

♪ Ooh, it's just who I need, girl ♪

Ew.

♪ And who I hurt ♪

♪ Go on by ♪

No, there's a...

You...

Got the balloon arch going.

This guy, old prospector...
Looking great, everyone.

- Hi, Kayla.
- Hey, Kate.

Uh, isn't the booth supposed to be

- just back a couple feet?
- Yeah, there was a rock there.

See, all the booths are
supposed to be feet apart.

Did you know that the human brain

gets pleasure from symmetry?

Did you know that the
human ankle gets pain

from breaking itself on a rock?

Oh, no.

Why is there a m*rder*r here?

- Innocent until proven guilty.
- Innocent?

[WHISPERING] She's holding a w*apon.

- Honey, it's a paintbrush.
- That's a w*apon.

"Hi. What would you like
me to paint on your face...

A nice little birdie?"

[GRUNTS] "Take that kid."

[GRUNTING]

Keep an eye on her.

It's good to see you.

- This is stupid.
- It is not stupid.

This is Patience Family Day.

We are a family in Patience,

and this is what families
in Patience do on this day.

If she were home with
me for one more second,

I would k*ll her and feed
her to my hungry octopus.

Can I at least drive?

- Will you stop complaining?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Yes!

[QUIRKY WHISTLING MUSIC]

Hurry.

Okay.

Okay. Try not to k*ll us.

Calm down. It's fine.

This is a nightmare.

How do human parents teach
driving to their children

without being terrified?

The truck sounds like it
wants you to shift now.

Oh, let's put on some tunes.

- Wait, watch out!
- [HORN BLARING]

- Stop being a backseat driver.
- There is no back seat.

It is a truck.

It is a nice day, and...

that is a beautiful
stop sign approaching.

- You see it?
- Where?

There. [GROANS]

[HORN HONKING, TIRES SCREECHING]

Watch it, assh*le!

Stop! That's it! Get out of that truck!

You are the worst driver I've ever seen!

You're a jerk. I was
finally having some fun.

Damn it.

Come on, we got to hurry.
We'll be late for the play.

I don't want to give the ball back.

We have no choice.

Do you know what a kidnapping review

will do to my whole
dog-walking business?

Wait.

Someone's been here.
The satellite dish is gone.

Oh, no.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

The ball.

Who took it?

There's only one possibility.

[LIGHT CLATTER OUTSIDE]

[METALLIC WHOOSHING]

[INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER]

Asta.

Hey, Harry.

Thank you so much again for
helping Sunny with her baby.

You were amazing.

They are easy when they are babies.

They cannot run away yet

or almost k*ll you in a car accident.

Run away? Did Liza leave?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Uh, found her.
- Oh, yep, teenage daughter.

Oh, Harry, maybe you should...

No. That's it.

You are as bad at throwing

as you are at driving!

Well, I must be
a pretty good driver, then,

because you're soaking wet.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You are the worst daughter that I have.

I am your only daughter, you idiot!

If I had another daughter
and she was bad,

you would be worse!

Please stop, you guys.

Uh, we only have a limited
number of balloons.

And, Judy, uh, I-I appreciate
you dressing on theme,

but could you cover up the cleavage?

There are children here.

There's a theme?

[ALL SHOUT]

Not okay!

No! Hey!

- Not... not okay. Hey!
- Get him.

Summer fun, summer high jinks.

Listen, you got to take it down here.

- Hey! Okay, all right.
- Ha ha ha!

Not okay! Oh!

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

I know you didn't k*ll Sam.

Oh...

you have no idea how
much that means to me.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Bird or butterfly?

Uh, I was thinking more of
a Ziggy Stardust-type thing.

Oh, okay, I like it. Let's see now.

[HEARTWARMING MUSIC]

Does the food you eat ever
get caught in your lip metal?

[CHUCKLES]

You're different than before,

like, head-injury different.

- You've changed.
- Yes, I know.

You ghosted me for, like, three years.

I thought you hated me,

Then why did you come here?

To be honest, I was afraid to.

I mean...

I've changed, too, obviously.

I'm not the little girl
you used to take fishing.

But you're my family.

I was hoping that'd be enough,

'cause if it wasn't enough,

I would have had to go
back to that hellhole camp.

Dial their phone number.

[LINE TRILLING]

Hello, my name is
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle,

and my daughter Liza
isn't going to come back

to your stupid camp.

It is stupid.

You are stupid. [CHUCKLES]

If you contact her again,

I will find you and your family.

That should cover it.

Mm-hmm. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Hey...

win me a prize?

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

I will win myself a prize
and consider giving it to you.

Fair enough.

All right, time for
the nd Annual Family Day

Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- You should eat more.

No. Need to line the stomach.

Trust me, I've won this contest
every year since I was ,

except the year that
Ethiopian exchange student

threw me for a loop.

- Biniyam!
- [LAUGHS] You're so gonna win.

Have you seen everyone
else at the table?

They're all, like, adults.

I'm an adult.

- Shut up. No, you're not.
- Okay.

Will all remaining entrants

please make their way to the table?

- Let's get started.
- Whoo! Let's go, D'arce!

I've been practicing
with, like, hot things...

Like, getting, like, big,
hot things in my mouth.

I mean, this is
the first time its pepper.

Okay, we are just about to start.

- What are you doing?
- What? I love spicy food.

This isn't spicy food.

This is the stuff they
put a tiny bit of in

to make spicy food.

- Afraid I'm going to b*at you?
- I'm afraid you're gonna die.

You're going down this year, skank.

- Not as often as you.
- True, true.

First up is a very mild banana pepper.

Eat! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

[SHOUTING] I'm on fire!

Nope, nope, nope, I'm out! I'm out!

Ow. No, no, no.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

Oh, hey, Doc, um...

can I talk to you in
private for a minute?

Nice alien.

Thanks. My dad stole it for me.

Oh, that... That's a little bit illegal.

It's, like, super cheap, so...

Yeah, doesn't really...
It's more the principle.

- Okay.
- Here.

Look, uh, I'll make this quick.

All right, um, two weeks ago,
I took my dad to get a biopsy,

except I don't remember taking him.

I don't remember anything...
As a matter of fact,

I don't remember anything
about that day at all

except talking to the FBI.

That's not normal, right?

He is right. It is not normal.

And it is also very bad for me.

All right, now get this...
It gets weirder, right?

Now, I haven't told Deputy Liv

anything about me forgetting that day

'cause I don't want her to freak out,

but she's got gaps in her memory

for that exact same day, too.

You think if I came by
office, you could check me out?

This is bad.

If he starts investigating this,

he might remember that I'm a m*rder*r

and possibly a werewolf.

Yes.

I will do what I can to
help with your memory.

I appreciate it.

You know, my dad... he tells
me it's emotional, right?

That it's in my head.

I lost a friend a few years back, and...

truth is, I don't think
I've had a good day since.

Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.

All I got left now is my dad, and...

who knows for how long, right?

If I can't remember the time
I'm spending with him, then...

- Sit down.
- Right here?

- Mm.
- Okay.

Let me lead you through a meditation

- that will help with your grief.
- Okay.

And put a memory in your head

so you leave me alone.

All right.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

We are getting up there now.

Next is the Trinidad Scorpion
at . million Scoville units.

This is gonna turn out bad.

Why are you doing this? Take your milk.

I feel great.

All right, D'arcy!
You can do this, Asta!

Whoo, Asta! Yes.

Mm-mm. [COUGHS]

Oh, God, that's not the way
you're supposed to eat that.

- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- No, you're not.

- You're not gonna be fine.
- Oh, God.

[COUGHING]

- All right.
- [GROANING]

- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.
- [COUGHING]

And the winner and new champion is

Ellen Cho!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Bow to me! Bow!

The play's about to start.
I saved you guys some seats.

- Oh, I'm excited.
- I don't do no plays.

I don't play. I don't watch plays.

I don't want... I ain't
want to do no plays.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, let's go.

- Did you write it?
- I did.

Wow, a pickax for my tenth birthday?

Thanks, Dad!

ALL: We're all miners now.

Mining built the town
of Patience, Colorado.

At one time, every able-bodied man

who lived here worked the mine.

Then one cold January day in ,

heroes were born.

[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS, CRASHING]

[ALL GASPING]

Oh, no! It could be a cave-in!

Run for your lives!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Help! Help!

There's one man still in the mine!

We must go back for him!

brave men refused
to leave one man behind.

They were heroes.

How much of the town budget
did you spend on this play?

- Eight percent.
- Eight perc...

[SCOFFS]

What happened in
the mine after it collapsed.

We're boulders, and
we're here to k*ll miners.

All must die.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[TRAGIC MUSIC]

All my organs are hemorrhaging.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

My leg, my leg.

men succumbed to their
crush injuries that day.

And one man, who was
trapped in an air pocket,

d*ed of loneliness and
thirst three days later.

I'm so thirsty and so lonely.

[GRUNTS]

To the and to Air Pocket Pete.

I don't think his
name was actually Pete,

but, you know, it works,
and it works well.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Where have all the daddies gone? ♪

♪ Where did they all go? ♪

♪ My uncle is my daddy now ♪

♪ And soon there will be snow ♪

♪ Where did Mommy's happy go? ♪

♪ She drinks wine all day ♪

♪ My uncle daddy gets real mad ♪

- ♪ I don't think he will stay ♪
- What are you thinking?

Terrible mayor.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Stop.

[SAMANTHA CRAIN'S "WE ARE THE SAME"]

- Here, this'll help.
- [GROANS]

Thanks. I need, like, six
or seven more of these.

[CHUCKLES]

I shouldn't have said what
I said about you and Jay.

I didn't mean it.

No, you meant it.

- Okay, I meant it.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

- I was mad, and I was wrong.
- [SNIFFLES]

No, you weren't.

You were right.

My parents took me out to dinner,

and my response was to
go get blackout drunk.

Your parents are assholes.

I mean, I love them, but come on.

I should be better at
dealing with them by now.

I'm not .

I'm a mess.

No.

I'm a mess. Look at me.

I don't want to be messy. [GROANS]

I don't want that either.

We can't both be messes
at the same time.

Otherwise it's chaos.

Going to Jimmy's was so dumb.

I just...

[SIGHS]

He just went through it, you know?

I mean, he was an assh*le,

but he was there when Jay was born,

and he was there for me
through all the freakouts

after I gave her up.

♪ I would never take from you... ♪

I guess I'm so used
to being sad with him,

something about it feels normal.

I don't think that's
supposed to feel normal.

You know, I wasn't around
when all that stuff went down,

but I'm here now.

And I always will be.

You know that, right?

- Right.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFLES]

When I woke up on his couch...

I saw that picture of
us from the senior year

where I'm wearing that
stupid football sweatshirt.

[LAUGHS]

That thing is still in my trunk.

I think you should go
get that sweatshirt.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Why?

- Yeah.
- Why?

- Yeah.
- Why?

- What are you gonna do?
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- What are you gonna do?
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

♪ And we ♪

♪ We are the same ♪

We'll only be gone a couple of days.

You're sure you're okay here alone?

Ah, of course.

Who cares if everyone hated the play

and me for writing it?

Not everyone in the audience hated it.

And that woman who screamed at you

is one of those complainer
moms from school.

♪ Where have all the daddies gone? ♪

♪ Where did they all go?

You're singing the song.

Yeah, it's the best song ever.

And the play was awesome.
The blood looked so cool.

See you in a couple days.

♪ Where did Mommy's happy go? ♪

Wow. Did you see that? Max loved it.

See? You got yourself all
worked up over nothing.

By next year, everyone will
have forgotten all about it,

and you can do another play.

No way. I mean, you heard Max.

The play worked.

No, we'll... we'll do
it even bigger next year.

You know, bigger boulders,
maybe... maybe even more blood.

Great.

- Okay. Bye, honey.
- Okay, bye.

Bye-bye. Okay.

Have fun at your mom's.

- Bye, Dad!
- Bye, honey!

[BEN FARTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Thanks.

Just take care of yourself.

At the end of the day,

you can't depend on anyone else but you.

My mom would never say
something like that.

But I think you're right.

Thanks.

I...

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]

You're a better father than I remember.

I'm glad we got to spend time together.

I might even miss you a little.

I am glad.

I miss my family, too.

All right, folks.

I have also changed.

Ticket, please.

But the alien in New York is my family.

So maybe they will help me anyway.

I have to try.

I am ready to go to New York now.

I am not worried.

I know I am much more alien than human.

Sheriff, can I tell you something?

All right, go ahead. Lay it on me.

You know that day the FBI guy came,

the day that neither of us can remember?

I think an alien erased our memory.

There, I said it.

Well, I can't speak for you, Deputy,

but, um, I remember exactly
what I was doing that day.

It was a good day.
Actually, a very good day.

Okay.

[DJANGO REINHARDT'S
"LA MER [BEYOND THE SEA]"]

Only an alien would have
been able to put a memory

in the sheriff's head.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

And if that memory
gave him a good day...

then that is just a coincidence.