01x04 - D'Jewelry

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING]

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, DJ.

So you hear "resort collection"

and your brain automatically goes to,

"I got the color palette for this.

Pastels." Right?

Yeah, you've got...

yeah, you've got some
great ones in there.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

And now you're thinking, "Oh, sh*t.

If I'm wrong about pastels,

then it's got to be gem tones."

And see, now you're getting warmer.

But what I would say to that is,

"Go ahead and drop the 'tones.'

This year's theme is simply 'gems.'"

- Ah.
- Look.

I mean, look at this piece right here.

Are you seeing this?

This is just straight-up wearable art.

Yeah.

And it just... it screams D'Jewelry.

- Don't you agree?
- It does.

- It does.
- Okay.

Are you putting an
apostrophe in that word?

- I forget.
- Yeah, "D'Jewelry."

Oh, mm-hmm.

So what do you think?

I think that juice is just sugar,

and I think you know that.

Mom.

About the collection.

I think it is absolutely you, honey.

Okay!

Okay, I'll send you the whole look book.

It's a really big file,

so you let me know if
you need me to zip it.

- Oh, please zip it.
- I'll zip it.

- I'll zip it, no problem.
- Okay.

The hard copy's still being bound.

Don't even get me started.

I threw a f*cking fit at Kinko's.

Don't worry, it was a whole thing.

And I have to say,

this is gonna be huge for QVC as well

because they could really use
a young, fresh-faced designer.

Yeah.

- So you'll talk to 'em?
- Sure.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Just with Dad dying and everything,

I mean, I could just really use a win.

God, this sh*t is so cool.

Did you see this one?

[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So I found someone who
wants to rent your LA place.

Oh, sh*t, really? Thank you so much.

Also, I took down a wall in the kitchen.

- It begged me to do it.
- What? No! You can't...

Oh, wow, that's... that's
actually much better.

I know.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

We didn't even have
to go through security?

Amazing.

[LAUGHING] Holy sh*t, this is nice.

I know. Epstein estate sale.

- No!
- No.

Stop acting like a
hillbilly and sit down.

All right, Barry, come on.

- [GROWLS]
- Come on, let's go.

Uh-uh, that's his seat.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

She didn't know. It's okay.

Baby boy.

You're mommy's big, handsome boy.

Okay, the first thing that we're
gonna be selling is foot spas.

Okay, foot spa.

Um, let's see.

Feet, toes, pedicure...

Wow.

It's like watching Picasso sing.

- You mean paint?
- No.

Okay, um...

oh, what about something about WikiFeet?

Like, um,

"Ladies, use this and your
tootsies will look so good,

you'll break WikiFeet."

What's WikiFeet?

Oh, um,

so you know how, like,

some men are horny for feet?

Sure.

So it's Wikipedia but
for celebrity feet.

Jesus.

Am I on it?

BOTH: Yes.

Hmm.

Oh, but the next thing...

I really want to push this too...

is the progesterone drink packets.

What is this?

That is the Tahitian grapefruit flavor.

No, like, what's a progesterone packet?

Well, progesterone is the female hormone

that allows women to get pregnant

and to stay looking young.

But then when menopause starts,

your body stops producing progesterone

and everything kind of goes to hell.

You know, your hair turns gray.

Your body stops metabolizing fat.

Your skin and your nails
start to cr*ck like old clay.

It's pretty much Mother
Nature telling you

to move to the back of the cave.

But the Deborah Vance
progesterone supplement

replaces some of that progesterone

the body has stopped producing.

You can just stay hot until you...

go off it,

which most people do eventually because

sustained use does
sort of raise the risk

of ovarian and breast cancer.

Anyway...

got jokes for that?

Um...

I'm just learning about
all this stuff, so I'm...

I'm gonna need a minute

before I come up with something funny.

Okay, honey. You take your minute.

[SIGHS] Well, this ruined my first PJ.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

Private jet.

You with those k*ller
heels, I can imagine you need

one of these in every room.

Oh, I do have one in every room.

I absolutely love them.

And I got to tell you,
I get so many emails

and direct messages about
how people love this product.

Oh, Katie, it is really resonating.

And, ladies, if you
want to break WikiFeet,

got to order one of my foot spas.

- Oh, absolutely.
- I pitched that.

How 'bout we pivot now and talk about

the microfiber dusting kit?

Let's.

[CHILL UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

At some point, you
have to pick a genital.

Okay, maybe we could
just have a code word

I can use for when you
say something monosexist.

- Monosexist?
- There you go.

That's a great code
word for it, thank you.

Mom, I've been calling you.

What'd they say at QVC
about bringing me in?

DJ, I'm working, and
you're being rude to Ava.

Who?

Oh, her?

Okay, did they like
the look book, though?

Could they open the zip?

You know, there really wasn't

a good moment to bring it up.

Wait a sec, you didn't even mention it?

DJ, I told you, I'm working.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you're always working.

You're also lying to me.

'Cause you know they'd
listen to anything you said.

You know, um, you're right.

I was trying to protect you,
but since you're pushing me,

I didn't mention D'Jewelry
because it's not good enough.

[SCOFFS]

It looks like junk from a mall kiosk.

Okay.

You think it's junk?

You're insane.

Just make it better.

And don't give up on it
just because I'm pushing you,

like you did with your essential oils.

Losing a protracted legal
battle isn't giving up.

And I never once said

that my oils would cure
all types of autism.

Well, does this mean
you're not gonna come

to my trade show this afternoon?

I told you, I'm going to
Marty's daughter's bat mitzvah,

and then I have a show.

Right, yeah.

I guess it's good that you can be there

for someone's kid, right?

God forbid you do one
f*cking thing for me.

You have no idea how much I do for you.

Um, okay, I think I'll
just go in the other...

No, no, no, no. It's fine.

I'm just... I'm calling
it early today, anyway.

Do yourself a favor:
take the afternoon off

and get your tubes tied.

Hey, um,

do you want me to come
to your show with you?

If you need someone there.

You don't have to do that

just 'cause you feel sorry for me.

Well, actually, I just think
it would really piss her off

if I went with you, so...

Okay, you f*cking rule. Let's do it.

I call shotgun.

I guess I'll drive.

♪ You breathe ♪

♪ I breathe ♪

♪ We're breathing each other ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪ That you got from your mother ♪

One practice swing and
then... [CLICKS TONGUE]

Shalom!

[CHUCKLES] You look fabulous.

Thank you.

- Hey, Marcus.
- Marty.

- I'm gonna get a drink.
- Okay.

So you're not still mad at me.

Oh, I just really love Ali,

and that's why I got her this.

It's the limited-edition
Birkin that she wanted.

Well, that's very
generous of you, Deborah.

Oh, it's not just the purse.

It's what comes with it.

This is a letter from the
headmaster at St. Xavier's.

So you let me keep my dates,

Ali gets to go to school
with all her little friends.

I'm not changing my mind.

But you must have gone
through some trouble because

if I remember correctly,
DJ drove her Jeep

through the gym at St.
Xavier's her junior year.

It was a Range Rover
through the rare book room,

and I fully funded the rebuild.

Still friends, right?

Oh, the best of.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh, my God.

Marcus!

Do not get me in trouble today.

I always drink too
much when you're around.

Double vodka soda.

This is a beautiful event, Rina.

It's been like pulling teeth.

Marty nickel-and-dimed
it the entire time.

I had to fight him to have lamb
chops as a passed hors d'oeuvre.

Can you believe? This is a bat mitzvah.

Ugh, God.

Now, where's the new girlfriend?

Ivy.

Marty says she's an old soul.

Lucky Marty, keeps finding old souls

- in -year-old bodies.
- [LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Look, I don't know
what to tell you, man.

There's sewage coming
out of the shower hole,

and this tenant is, like,
a giant pain in my ass,

so it needs to be done,
like, fricking yesterday.

Yeah, I've got Venmo.

Ugh, managing a building is a nightmare.

Wait, you're... you're
a building manager?

Yeah, I manage the building I live in

in exchange for rent.

I get it, you thought I
was some, like, hot rich kid

living off her parents' money?

Um, kind of.

I don't blame you; I would've
thought the same thing, but nope.

I am a professional.

[ROCKS TUMBLING]

- I tumble my rocks myself.
- Oh, I see.

It's kind of what sets me apart

'cause, you know, nobody
else here self-tumbles.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- [TUMBLING STOPS]
- So what's your earring story?

- My what?
- Well, I'm seeing two studs, a huggie hoop,

and then a couple vacant
holes that just aren't

living up to their potential.

What did you have in mind with that?

Um, God, not much.

- I didn't really think about it.
- No, you didn't think it through.

Yeah, no.

Um...

Okay, all right.

Why don't you scoot that huggie up,

pop these in the empties?

Let's see what's what.

Oh, sh*t!

I mean, those look hot on you.

Oh, yeah.

You go ahead and wear those today.

You can be my model.

Check it out.

- Oh, wow.
- What do you think?

They are...

substantial.

Yeah, right?

I mean, they look...

like a key to another dimension.

Thank you.

So much cooler than something
from a f*ckin' mall kiosk.

Right?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

She was really harsh back there.

Whatever.

I spent thousands of hours in therapy

trying to process how
to deal with Deborah.

Well it's good you're doing the work.

Your mom once told me
therapy is for bulimics

- and pedophiles.
- Pedophiles?

Yeah, she loves that one.

God, it's so nice to be able
to vent about her to someone.

Oh, God, I am so down.

And look, I get it.
I'm not perfect, right?

I'm always gonna be a work in progress.

- Yeah.
- But I'm finally able

to practice radical acceptance, right?

So I can just radically
accept that my mom is a c**t.

[LAUGHS]

I wasn't joking, but...

- I can see why you'd laugh.
- Oh, sorry.

Yeah. My chokers are unisex.

I can't let you drink that.

Yeah, leave the cheap wine for the kids.

[CHUCKLES]

Now...

ah.

Isn't this the one you liked last time?

[GASPS] That is the
one I loved last time.

Open it.

Yes, ma'am.

Your collection has really grown

since the last time I was down here.

Well, they say if you collect,

it's not a problem; it's a hobby.

Well, the first step is
admitting you have a hobby.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CORK POPS]

Ah, I love that sound.

Let's drink to your daughter

becoming a woman.

She's a good kid.

- Mostly.
- Yeah, well, I know

where she gets her naughtiness from.

- Her mother.
- Ha, nice try.

[CHUCKLES]

So, Deborah Vance,

what's new with you?

Well, lately I've been trying to wrestle

my stage time back
from a handsome tyrant.

Oh, come on.

I talk business all day.

You're the one person I'd love to talk

about anything else with.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Cheers.
- [GLASSES CLINK]

Mmm.

I'm getting plum

and licorice?

Honestly, I'm getting mint.

I forgot to spit out my gum.

- [LAUGHS]
- Jesus.

Maybe it'll be better now.

Oh, I haven't even told
my mom I live here yet.

She's gonna freak when she
finds out I lost my deal.

Also, my mom's not a
conspiracy theorist,

but I think that's just
'cause her Internet's too slow.

God, moms are the worst.

I'm so sorry you have to
deal with yours and mine now.

I honestly can't believe
that she's making you

watch all of the stupid
sh*t she's ever done.

It's a lot, yeah.

- So stupid.
- It's a lot.

Though I got to say,

it is crazy she was
almost the first woman

to host a late-night show.

Yeah, and maybe if she hadn't acted like

a frickin' pyro, they
would've picked it up.

Sounds like it was a dramatic time.

It's always a dramatic time with her.

- Yeah.
- Do you know my aunt/stepmom's

been trying to talk to
her for, like, years?

The woman doesn't let anything go.

Jesus.

Laurie, my... that's my therapist.

She's always telling
me my trauma started

when she dragged me out
on the road with her.

I mean, I was a kid.

I wanted to go to school, you know,

and just be normal.
- Yeah.

Instead, I'm years old
doing my first line of coke

in the Chuckle Hut in Kalamazoo.

- Jesus Christ.
- I know.

- Was it at least good coke?
- [CHUCKLES]

- For a -year-old, sure, yeah.
- [LAUGHS]

Listen, I'm not dumb.

I know that I've got to own my actions,

but she's the reason I've
been in recovery for years.

years!

And do you think she's ever once

come to a meeting with me?

No, not one.

Whatever.

Can you, like, face forward
with those or something?

- Yeah.
- I feel like you're not

getting any earring attention.

- Where is it now?
- Another one?

Don't you have to go step
on a glass or whatever?

More fun down here. [GASPS]

Should we be bad and open the Margaux?

Oh, you're naughty.

Told you where she got it from.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that kid.

She told me if I didn't
get her a new iPhone,

she was gonna "join Antifa."

[LAUGHS] No!

Oh, no, but that's good. That's good.

You want her to be bold,
you know, have personality.

Of course, what do I
know about parenting?

You did the best you could.

Thanks.

- Let me give you a hand.
- [GROANS]

Here, I got it. All the way down and...

- Marty?
- Yeah, hey!

Baby, I've been looking
all over for you.

Yeah, we'll be right up.

- Just giving a little tour.
- Okay.

Showing me how to use this thing.

- All right.
- Okay, be right up.

Well, I guess...

we should go.

Nah.

It's open now.

[CORK POPS]

We might as well just...

drink it.

- One glass.
- One glass.

[LAUGHTER]

We were right there.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, perfect, let's get a quick sh*t

- of the beautiful couple.
- Oh, no.

No, no, this is my girl.

- Ivy?
- Yes?

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- Beautiful.

- Great, good.
- One more serious.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Nah, see, belly chains
are always in style

'cause they have ethnic roots.

Huh.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I think I know that woman.

That's the buyer for Neiman Marcus.

Oh, God, I'm getting nervous.

My pits are going and
my mouth is getting dry.

How's my breath? [EXHALES HEAVILY]

It's, um...

What am I talking about?
She's never gonna stop here.

My stuff's not good enough.

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Where are you... what are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Oh, hey!
- Hey?

Didn't we meet at Irene
Neuwirth's birthday party?

I don't think so.

Blanche from Just One Eye?

You're from Just One Eye?

I love that store.

I didn't know they had a buyer.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm actually buying a
ton of stuff right now.

I self-tumble.

Cool.

Can I take your look book?

Yes.

Hey, if you're ever in
LA, stop by the store.

Our offices are upstairs.

For sure.

- Good to see you.
- You too.

Okay.

[LAUGHS]

- What was that?
- I don't know!

I follow Busy Philipps on Instagram.

She's constantly posting
about jewelry people.

Oh, thank God watching
thousands and thousands

and thousands and thousands of
those stories finally paid off.

Okay, bitch, you keep those earrings

because you earned them.

Let's blow this sh*t and go celebrate.

I've got the perfect bar for us.

Oh, my God, I would love that.

Wait, um, aren't you...

aren't you in recovery?

Just for powder and pills, babe.

- Liquid's on the menu.
- [LATCHES CLICK]

Go with... you go with citrus?

Boom, orchard.

- Marty.
- Marcus.

Quieres Cohiba?

Oh, I would, but I just

bleached my teeth this morning.

- [CHUCKLES]
- So look,

the smaller theater at the casino,

why don't you give it to Deborah
for Fridays and Saturdays?

You two are relentless.

I've already cleared it
with the production guys.

They can move the set
back easily on Sunday.

You could double the
income those nights.

She doesn't feel slighted.

Everybody wins.

Interesting.

Let's connect next week.

All right.

Showbiz people.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It's always something.

And... hyah!

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah!

- Right?
- [LAUGHS]

It feels good, doesn't it?

I'm telling you, for
people with mommy issues,

- this place is essential.
- [LAUGHS]

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, work call. Be right back.

Grab some throwing
stars on your way back.

- Okay.
- I'll watch your drink.

Oh, it's whatever.

How old are you?

I'm sure you get this all the time,

but it's so awesome to meet you.

- Oh.
- I'm a fan.

- I feel like I've known you my whole life.
- Oh, thank you.

Do you like it?

Yes, actually, I do.

There are so many kids
running around today,

I hope Marty's got good insurance.

Well, the corporation does.

Everything's through the corp.

It is a beautiful piece.

But you know what? I saw...

a sculpture in the hall.

Was that you too?

Guilty! [CHUCKLES]

I actually redid the whole place myself.

- I knew it.
- I f*ckin' love art.

I f*cking love art too.
It looks so much better.

I'm thinking of doing
some redecorating myself.

Would you mind terribly if I just

took a couple pictures for inspiration?

I am so flattered. Yeah.

Thank you.

Do you think I could
also get a little tour?

I don't know.

Marty doesn't want guests in
certain areas of the house.

Oh, gosh, I would have loved

to have seen more of your work,

but I guess Marty's the boss.

I can probably show you
around just a little bit.

- Oh, great.
- But you can't tell Marty.

Oh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[GIGGLES]

That really is

- a striking piece.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

It's really...

Would you mind getting one
with me in it for scale?

- Of course; get in there.
- Thanks.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

♪ ♪

You dog. Just like... [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

- Great.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

♪ ♪

Fun.

- Ready to go?
- Yup.

Arrange a lunch with Tim Gurley.

I have some assets that
I want him to appraise.

Marty, sweetie,

we're gonna have to get
together for drinks soon.

Great, I'll have Phyllis set.

Great.

I don't like that.

[CHUCKLES]

The one time I was in LA,

I saw Tobey Maguire coming
out of a Coffee Bean.

- Mm.
- He was wearing one of those boots like when,

you know, you break your ankle.

Do you think that he was

wearing that for a role, or...

do you think he was injured?

Like, does he ski?

Oh, I... I don't know
if Tobey Maguire skis.

Hey, DJ's been gone a while, huh?

I guess managing an apartment building

is actually a lot of work.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

What?

What am I missing?

That's not what she means by "work."

She sells photos, honey.

She hires a photographer
to take photos of Deborah,

and then she sells them
to, like, TMZ or wherever.

- Yeah, she makes hella cash.
- Hella.

And she makes, like, a lot more

if Deborah looks like sh*t.

That's so f*cked.

Hey, you're in the house all the time.

You should do it too;
I bet you could sell,

like, her medical records

or her diary or whatever.

- Her underwear.
- Okay, ladies.

I got next round, so finish up.

- Whoo!
- Time me.

- Nice, nice, nice.
- Get it, get it.

Yes, yes, almost there, almost there.

- Whoo!
- Oh!

What'd you get?

Uh, I didn't time.

Oh, f*ck.

- Give me yours.
- Okay.

Ready, go.

Go!

[CHILL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

You know what? It's
right before your show.

Maybe later is a better time.
I don't want to mess you up.

You can't mess me up.

What is it?

Okay, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna tell you this,

but please don't ask me how I know.

But, um,

someone I know is... is
selling pictures of you to TMZ,

and I don't know if you
can stop it, but I just...

I thought I should tell you.

All right, thank you.

You're just gonna let it go?

You're not gonna...

ask me who it is?

Oh, you let her.

Makes her feel self-sufficient.

- I have to get dressed.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

[LINE RINGING]

- Hello.
- Hey, Mom.

Sorry, is it too late?

No, no, I'm just being
quiet because your father

finally fell asleep.

Hopefully he sleeps through the night

so I can get some rest.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no.

It's okay, it's okay, honey.

How's your new place?

It's good.

Though, uh,

I'm not actually there right now.

I've actually been living in Las Vegas.

Vegas?

Are you gambling?

No, I... I lost my deal and...

Wait, lost your deal?

But you just bought that place in LA.

I know, that's why I got another job.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Also, isn't Dad asleep? You're yelling.

Oh, my God, Ava, I told you
that business is so unstable.

I mean, what's next?

You're gonna have to move home here

and live with us?

I don't have room for you here.

I mean, I guess we can
put a cot in the kitchen.

No, Mom, no cot in the kitchen.

I'm not coming home. Jesus.

No, it's okay, Ava. I
know where the cot is.

It's in the basement next
to the Christmas decorations.

- I'll be fine, okay?
- I'm on it.

You'll be fine.

- I got to go.
- Wait, Ava...

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

[UNINTELLIGIBLE DIALOGUE
PLAYING OVER TV]

[PHONE RINGING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- I think they've been

overcharging you for room service.

Who is this?

I've been going over your charges.

They have you ordering

three chicken Parms in one night.

[SCOFFS] What are you, the NSA?

You're going through
my room service bills?

Well, of course, it's my money.

I think they made a mistake.
I don't like being overcharged.

Wow, three chicken Parms.

In one night?

That's crazy.

But I did order them.

What, were you entertaining?

No, it was just me. But
they're medium size, though,

and I eat the leftovers for breakfast,

so you're actually saving money.

For breakfast?

I may have been high.

Yeah, you must have been.

Oh. Oh, oh, what do I hear?

- Is that "SVU"?
- "Criminal Intent."

- [GASPS] What channel?
- Um...

.

Oh, I've seen this one.

Yeah, this attorney turns
out to be a schizophrenic.

- Deborah!
- I didn't write it.

Yeah, but you spoiled it.

Oh, it's so obvious.

He's the biggest guest
star on the episode.

If his name comes before

the opening credits, he did it.

No! Now you've spoiled
every single one of them.

Well, it's better you know.

I think I could play a dead body.

Well, you certainly have the complexion.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

This is actually
pretty triggering for me

'cause I've never learned how to swim.

What?

You don't know how to swim?

That's ridiculous.

No one taught me as a kid.

I thought about taking
swim classes for adults,

but honestly, that's
sadder than just drowning.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ So move over, darling ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ If my heart bends ♪

♪ I'll know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And if I had to stay ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Have stayed ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So, baby, don't
hold me back ♪

♪ 'Cause if I win ♪

♪ I'll change ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And if I lose my way ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Escape ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Damaged by disease ♪

♪ The sun blaze over me ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, tie me down ♪

♪ I am dangling ♪