02x09 - Call Me Irresponsible

[bunniefuu]

(BANGING NEARBY)

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

- What was that?
- (THUDDING)

Okay, yeah, I'm not
staying here to find out.

- Hi, Carter.
- Hey, Phil.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Absolutely.

Why else would they have all
those ghosthunter shows on TV?

Right! I mean, TV networks wouldn't just

- make all that stuff up to get ratings.
- Mm-hmm.

My grandma's house had one.

I think it was a three-legged dog.

- You think?
- Yeah, I would hear panting.

And then pat-a-pat-a-thump!

- Pat-a-pat-a-thump!
- Oh!

I'm pretty sure I got
a ghost at the Middle C.

I mean, I heard some strange
sounds coming from the basement.

Ghosts love basements.

And attics and the gazebo
out at Cherokee Park.

Do not go cruising there.

When my aunt owned the bar,
she told me there was ghosts.

My cousin Darren said she made it all up

to keep us from going down
there and drinking beers.

I guess we'll never know.

Why don't you just go
down there and look?

I said I guess we'll never know.

I'm not sure about this.

Ghosts will suck the
life right out of you.

That's a proven fact.

That's why I got my bucket filled

with my special ghost-catching formula.

That's just a bunch of
stuff from the kitchen.

I saw you put it together.

Well, the flour is so we can see them.

The cinnamon is to slow them down.

And the sugar is to make nice
in case they have a vendetta.

Okay, yeah.

- That makes sense.
- We come in peace.

Yeah. We're also very strong.

- (THUDDING)
- (BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAMING, SOBBING)

- Did you hear that?
- (SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

Sounds like it's coming
from the Middle C.

- Where you going?
- The Middle C!

Haven't you watched any horror movies?

You never run towards the scream!

Oh, damn it, I'm running
towards the scream. (WHIMPERS)

- Hello?
- Carter?

CARTER: In the basement!

The basement? When
did he get a basement?

What is going on?!

This fool been living down here.

Hey.

Seriously, am I the only one

that didn't know about
the damn basement?

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Okay, the truth is, I was evicted,

and I didn't have any place else to go.

So for the last two weeks,

I have been living in the basement.

Which is, like, feet away.

Why are you always late to work?

Wait, where's Phil?

Oh, he's downstairs
cleaning up his ghost-powder.

His words were, "He who
heaps it, sweeps it."

Max, how did this even happen?

I kept coming up short on
rent and then eventually

there was an eviction
notice on the door,

and also a dozen cookies.

My landlord really liked me.

I'm a great tenant.

Except for the...

not-paying-rent part.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because...

I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed? In front of me?

Me, who once spent two hours trying

to save a stray dog who
turned out to be a coyote?

Me, who tripped at a wedding and
knocked the entire bridal party

not just to the ground, but into a lake?

Me, who... stop me anytime.

I could go all day.

You're right.

I should've told you.

So, wait, you work in this bar full time

and get way bigger tips than I do,

and you still couldn't pay your rent?

No judgement.

MAX: I know.

I know, I just, I've...

never been any good with money.

I think I need help.

Kat, will you help... ?

Yes. I mean, not to toot my own horn,

- but I've always been good with numbers.
- BOTH: Numbers.

Hey, it's not my fault.

ALL THREE: Math just
always made sense to me.

(GROANS) I cannot
believe you've been living

in that dank, mildewy,

disgusting basement for two whole weeks.

Well, not anymore.

Till we get your
finances straightened out,

you can sleep on my couch.

Wait, hold up, isn't that where I sleep?

Oh, well, you can sleep with me.

I got new nasal strips.

No way, you throw off a lot of heat.

You're like a furnace that kicks.

CARTER: Fine. Look, I'll be the hero.

He can sleep on my couch.

Wait a minute, I also sleep
at your place sometimes.

I don't know, Max.

That secret basement seems pretty nice.

Ooh, and I also just read an article

about mildew being good for you.

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, that guy is so intense.

He is giving me serial k*ller vibes.

Yeah, I think he's hot, too.

Okay, we have very
different taste in men.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'd definitely date Carter.

And we both like Benedict Cumberbatch.

That's right, we're Cumber-b*tches!

- Hello, all.
- Oh, hey, Sheila.

Randi, you take pictures
of people, right?

For some reason it sounds creepy

when you say it like that, but, yes,

I am studying photography.

She once took nude photos
of me for her class.

They were provocative, yet tasteful.

Like Lady Gaga.

Would you be willing to take some of me?

Not nude... that's a mistake
I'll never make again.

But I need photos for my dating profile.

Of course!

So you're getting back out there?

Yes, but, apparently, to do that,

I have to learn how to use dating apps.

Oh, honestly,

it's almost worse when
you know how to use them.

PHIL: Oh, I agree.

What was wrong with a...

wink across a crowded bar?

A little wave.

A flirty smile.

Oh, yeah, honey.

I got game.

(SIGHS) This is a disaster.

- Hey, go easy on me.
- I did. I was gonna call it a dumpster fire.

You have seven credit cards.

You owe money on all of them.

Plus you pay a monthly fee

for a storage locker...
what's even in there?

Furniture I owe money on.

How did you make it this far?

I know.

No, really.

How did you make it this far?

Well, after-after college,

I went to teach in
Myanmar, and the program

took care of most of my expenses.

Then I ended up in Paris,
where I met Brigitte.

(GASPS)

Was she your sugar mama?

No. I mean...

sure, she owned the flat

and didn't make me pay rent.

And she bought the groceries.

And paid for the gas
and the electricity...

Huh.

Well, between that and the $

a week you spend on smoothies,

I'm beginning to see how you got here.

I love smoothies... sometimes
I'm just too tired to chew.

You can make them at home.

They're not the same.

They're not. Why is that?

Well, smoothies aside,

I think the best place to
begin is with a proper budget.

Got it. All right, tell me more.

Well, uh, for starters,

no more needless spending.

Only buy essentials
and-and take advantage

of-of coupons, sales,
that sort of thing.

Great, then what?

Then we get to make a spreadsheet, and

nothing makes me tinglier
than a fresh spreadsheet.

(CHUCKLES) Awesome.

And to thank you, let me buy you lunch.

There's this new French place.

It's a little pricey,

but they serve bread in a beret.

It's gonna be a process.

Ooh, nice, nice.

Yes. Okay, wait.

Look up towards this corner.

Little bit. Perfect!

Yes! You are a red-headed snack.

I don't know, I'm not feeling it.

What? No, Sheila, you look beautiful.

I think it's my clothes...
they're too casual.

I look like I've just come
in from giving up on life.

- I'm gonna go change.
- Again? This is your fourth outfit.

It'll just take a second.

Okay, well, all them seconds add up.

Nice.

Nice!

Okay.

What? Now what?

The sun is coming in
through this window.

I'm gonna look washed out in
this dark jacket, just a second.

All right.

I'll just be right here.

Slowly losing the will to live.

Ooh, this is cute.

Ooh, something is funny.

(LAUGHS) Take a little sip for me.

- You sure this isn't too much?
- You look great.

I really think the light
is better on the patio.

Uh, it's pretty chilly out there.

Oh, good!

Everything's perkier when it's cold.

Someone's late again.

Someone needs to accept

that I won't always be on time.

Are those new shoes?

Oh, yeah, you like 'em?

And they glow in the dark.

Cool, do they also pay for themselves?

(CHUCKLES) If only.

Hey, are new high-tops
that glow in the dark

a part of Max's budget?

No, they are not.

Where is he?

Max, front and center!

Oh, hey, Kat.

Glow-in-the-dark shoes?

I can't tell if you're mad or impressed.

We had a budget.

You weren't supposed
to buy any new clothes

for at least a month...
it's in the spreadsheet.

I specifically put it
on line six, column four.

And I used Helvetica Bold...
that is not a font you can ignore!

But they were on sale, and you said

if something's on sale,
that I should buy it.

You are twisting my
words for retail purposes,

and I think you know that.

The saleslady said I
looked really hot in them.

And I still have ten dollars left over

to last me the next days.

That's cents a day.

Wow, it's amazing how
you do that so fast.

Yeah, it's this method
of division where... Hey!

Do not try and distract
me with flattery!

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, you're right.

I'll return the shoes.

Glad I didn't wear the leather jacket.

- What?!
- I'm taking that back, too.

You did a good thing by calling me.

Yeah, I felt that.

Yes, yes.

Glowing, okay!

Okay, this time I think we
really got some good ones.

See, I knew I was right
to change into jewel tones.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, no, no, no.

These are not gonna work
at all. This was a mistake.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure

if we keep going, we'll
find something you can use.

No, this was my fault.

I should've known better
than to hire an amateur.

Wha... hold up, you didn't hire me.

This was a favor.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think

I'm gonna have to fire
you from this favor.

Are you kidding me?

You know what, it's fine.

Don't be discouraged, I'm sure with
more practice you'll get better.

By the way, that evening
gown was too much!

Got me doing this on my damn day off.

Then she changed her clothes again,

called me an amateur, and then fired me.

Really?

My mother was difficult?

I know, I know. I'm used to
her being snarky and sarcastic.

But to you, not to me.

Aw, well, the more she does it,

the more you'll start
to find it comforting.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Well...

they wouldn't take the shoes back.

Why not? Oh, 'cause they're so ugly.

No.

Because they were on sale,
and the soles got dirty

from walking on this
disgusting bar floor.

Uh, isn't it your job to mop?

I didn't want to get
water on my new shoes.

Oh, scared it'll wash
the ugly off of them?

I get it, you don't like the shoes.

But they're not returnable, so...

- I love them.
- CARTER: Hey.

Y'all know the band
Florida Georgia Line?

Um, yeah! We love those guys.

They're amazing.
♪ Baby, you're a song ♪

ALL THREE: ♪ You make me want to roll ♪

♪ My windows down and cruise. ♪

Hey, well, check it,
my buddy just called.

He can get all of us tickets
to see them tomorrow night.

VIP seats, backstage passes,

and we'll probably
get to meet them after.

Well, I've never heard of them,

but I'm all about being a VIP.

I am in! I've never been
backstage at a concert before.

Will there be shrimp?

I always picture shrimp at these things.

I am definitely in.

Great, I'll let him know.

- Tickets are bucks apiece.
- Oh.

sh**t. Sorry, Max.

- What?
- Well, it's not in your budget.

I'll make it work.

- How?
- I don't know, sell my blood?

Or sperm. I'm tall.

Wow, where were these
ideas when we were trying

to find your next car payment?

Listen, I know it's a little expensive,

but I really want to see these guys.

Can I just talk to you for a second?

Ooh, Max is in trouble.

Max is not in trouble.

Max, you are so in trouble.

What is the point of making a budget

if you're not gonna stick to it?

But I really want to go.

But you can't afford it.

But it's Florida Georgia Line.

- But you can't afford it.
- Maybe I can get a payday loan.

Okay. I don't want to be your mother.

Do whatever you think is right.

Well, if I knew what was right,

I wouldn't be living on Carter's couch.

So, uh, what's the head count here?

So, Mother, question.

Do you think what you
said to Randi was rude?

No.

Okay, so, statement.

What you said to Randi was rude.

I wasn't rude.

It's not her fault her
photos were terrible.

She just has no experience.

Sometimes I think you
don't even hear yourself.

It's like when you first

opened the café... you had
no idea what you were doing.

That's why I didn't drink the coffee.

But you ordered it all the time.

To support you, my darling.

But I always dumped it in
the planter in the courtyard.

Is that why all those flowers d*ed?

They were geraniums.

They deserved to die.

Here you go, Sheila.

Make sure she drinks that.

So...

- how is the online dating going?
- (SIGHS)

It's on hold. I can't do anything

until I get a good picture.

And Randi just couldn't capture me.

Mm-hmm, I heard about that.

You know, I'm still seeing Nurse Nelson.

It's casual, but fun.

Strange time to rub it in, but okay.

Well, it's all thanks to you, Sheila.

I would never have met him had you

not made me go back out there.

And believe me, I was scared.

It is scary.

I'm told.

And no one is at their
best when they're scared.

No.

They're not, are they?

♪ ♪

(WHISTLE BLOWS, BUZZER SOUNDS ON TV)

So you're missing the concert
because you bought shoes?

Yep.

Those shoes?

Yeah, and I'm fine with it.

I-I live life for the moment.

I don't worry about it.

And trust things will
take care of themselves.

Wait, you sleep on my dad's couch,

you're missing a concert,

and all you've got to show for it are

the ugliest sneakers in the world?

Why does everybody hate these shoes?

You know, if you want
to go to the concert,

I could loan you $ .

I'm not taking money from a -year-old.

And where were you three days ago?

Also, how do you have $ ?

The old ladies at church
pay me to mow their lawns

and teach them how to
use their cell phones.

A lot of money in old ladies at church.

Huh.

Then I put everything I make

into a high-yield savings account.

As one does.

My dad says having your own money

is what makes you a man.

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- Mm, that's probably the pizza.

Don't worry, I got it.

Oh, wow, thanks.

Hmm, if I had known that, I
would've got the garlic knots.

- Max, wake up.
- (SNORTS, SIGHS)

Hey, what's going on?

I know my dad said you could
stay as long as you need to,

but he's dead and you got to go.

(COUGHING)

I just need, I just
need a few more weeks,

and then I'll be back on my feet.

Man, you've been saying
that for the last years.

Hi, CJ. Hey, Max.

I brought you day-old
donuts from the café,

just like I've been doing every
week for the last years.

Why am I old and you're not?

Because I have a home and a bed.

And a high-yield savings account.

(GASPING)

(STAMMERS)

Oh, thank God! I'm still young.

(EXHALES)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh. Hi.

May I come in?

I guess. If you don't mind
hanging out with an amateur.

About that...

May I sit?

If you don't mind sitting
next to an amateur.

Okay, you've made your point.

Have I? Are you sure I have
enough experience to make a point?

I'm sorry for the way I behaved.

You were helping me,

and I shouldn't have
treated you like that.

Well, thank you.

It's just dating...

is new to me and...

what if men see those photos,

and think I look ridiculous?

They won't.

I just can't stand the thought of men

thinking I'm old and desperate.

I get it... dating at any age is hard.

But can I make an observation?

Oh, I suppose.

I'm hearing a lot of "what men think."

What about what you
think and how you feel?

(SIGHS)

Right now I just feel undesirable.

You know what, I think we should try

the photoshoot again,
but this time for you,

so you can see how sexy you really are.

If you'll just trust me.

You know, the amateur.

You're not gonna let me
live that down, are you?

I will.

Eventually.

Gifts might help.

Here is your usual BLT.

Hold the B, extra T.

Or as I like to call it,

"wet vegetables on bread."

Thank you.

That concert last night was so much fun.

Hey, not really a crowd-surfing
kind of show, but respect.

Bruises heal, memories last forever.

I do wish Max could've gone.

He would've loved it.

Maybe we should've pitched
in, and bought him a ticket.

We've given him enough.

I'm letting him sleep on my couch.

You're helping him with his budget.

I mean, as parents, I
think we've done all we can.

You're right, you're right.

We have to let him walk on his
own two feet like a grown man.

Howdy.

Or a grown man in a cowboy costume.

Please tell me you didn't buy a horse.

I did not. I got a second job.

Driving cattle from Texas to Oklahoma?

I'm gonna be working
children's birthday parties.

I just came from my first one. I sing,

I play the guitar, I man the pony ride.

Still trying to master
throwing the lasso,

but I'll get there.

Well, there's your first mistake.

You don't throw a lasso.

You swing and release.

I'm not an expert, but I've dabbled.

I just...

I don't want to be living on
CJ's couch when Carter is dead.

Awesome. Wait, what?

That's so great, Max.

You're finally taking
control of your life.

Not great. Why am I dead?

Mm, it's not important.

You feel like, uh, eating
bread out of a beret tomorrow?

According to my spreadsheet,
I can afford it now.

Ooh, I don't know what
I'm more excited about,

the spreadsheet or food in a hat.

So how much you getting
paid on the wagon train?

Not a lot, but the tips are fantastic.

- Whoa!
- Yeah, turns out parents

of small children will pay any price

for five minutes of peace.

Wine-soaked mothers are
my old ladies at church.

Okay, all right.

Ooh, you are fierce.

You are on fire.

Yes, you are fierce.

Watch out Tyra Banks. Ooh!

Oh, my goodness. Oh, look
at these, they are so good.

Wow! You really worked your magic.

No, the magic is you.

Once you weren't doing
it for other people,

you got out of your own head.

Thank you.

Can we do a few more?

I'm having so much fun.

Oh, of course, you bet.

Now give me something new.

Ooh, oh!

We kicking shoes off. She... oh!

You better slide down, Sheila!

You better... oh, you're
coming towards the camera!

Oh, hold on! Okay!

Oh, hold on now.

Hold on, Sheila!

- (SHEILA YOWLING)
- Okay, oh, you've been holding out on me!

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Wait, did you see a ghost?

- Worse.
- What's worse than a ghost?

Parental sensuality.

I'm sorry I asked.

Hey, have you spoken to
Max? How's the new job going?

Good. His spurs are
scratching up my wood floors,

but he's making money.

Well, there is dignity

in being able to support yourself.

What happened to the cowboy?

Oh, I book more parties if I
have a rotation of characters.

Americano, please.

Now, to find my wallet...

Oh!

("I'M UP I'M DOWN" BY
THE FEDERAL PLAYING)

♪ Get on down ♪

♪ Come on, get up ♪

♪ Just get on down ♪

♪ Just turn it up ♪

♪ Playing around, get on down ♪

♪ Yeah, it's your own time, baby ♪

♪ Shoulder the pain ♪

♪ Tell me I'll be, I'll be the same ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Get on down. ♪