02x14 - Speak the Truth

[bunniefuu]

- Darrin, is that you?
- No, I left half an hour ago.

Hey. Hey, sleepyhead.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I meant to get up
and fix your breakfast.

You were sleeping soundly
and looked so beautiful...

I just couldn't wake you.

I'm not beautiful.
I'm sleepy and I look awful.

Not to me, you don't.
You look more beautiful every day.

- Do I really?
- Of course you do.

I'll try to get home early tonight.

The Hotchkisses and the Tates
are coming for dinner.

And I'm looking forward to them
seeing my beautiful wife.

I'll see you tonight.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

who's the most gullible of all?

Mother.

What do you mean, gullible?

You're getting more and more human
every day, Samantha.

- Thank you.
- The way you lap up that treacle...

it's just pathetic.

I may not be appealing to you, Mother,
but Darrin thinks I'm beautiful.

Oh, he's not telling the truth,
and you know it.

Thank you, Mother.
You do say the nicest things.

Human beings can't get along
without lying to each other.

If they're forced to tell the truth,
it's instant chaos.

That's not true.

Nonsense. They're all the same.

Every one of them,
including your precious Dobkin.

That's enough, Mother.

Very well, dear.

You'll see.

All right, Hagatha.

Here it is, Endora.

I'm so glad I had one
in stock for you.

These little truth gods
are hard to find.

I knew if anyone would have it
in her shop, you would.

Nobody seems to be
making them anymore.

There's a lot of handwork
goes into them.

And this new generation of witches
just doesn't have the patience.

Where shall I put it?

How powerful is it?

Oh, not terribly, really.

It is very old, you know.

But if a human comes
within three feet of it...

he'll just have to say
what's on his mind.

Oh, splendid.

May I see it, Hagatha?

Of course.

Oh, it's a dear little thing.

Put it on the desk, Hagatha.

One more thing.

They do know what
they're saying, don't they?

Oh, yes.

And Samantha won't be
affected by it, will she?

Not at all.

She's still one of us, isn't she?

Oh, of course. Of course.

Now, would you like
a gift card to go with it?

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Hagatha.

If I'm not prying too much,
what did you put on the card?

Oh, just, "Thought you might be
interested in this. Uncle Herbert."

An uncle of Samantha's husband,
who travels around the world a lot.

I'd rather my son-in-law
didn't know it was from me.

Remember, if he doesn't like it...

you can always exchange it
for something else.

Oh, thank you, Hagatha.

I'll call him right away,
Miss Thatcher.

Miss Thatcher, would you
come in here for a minute?

Yes, sir?

Miss Thatcher, how did this
package get on my desk?

Well, I don't know, sir.
I hadn't noticed it before.

My uncle Herbert's full of surprises.

You know, he always says...

That sure is a tight dress
you're wearing.

Your uncle always says that?

And I second the thought.

Wow, that dress looks like
it was sprayed on.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, sir. That is a tight dress,
is what that is.

I'm sorry if I'm wearing
something inappropriate.

Inappropriate? Oh, no.
Not at all, Miss Thatcher.

That's a very charming dress.
I shouldn't have been so personal.

Well, I don't mind your being personal,
Mr. Stephens.

To tell you the truth, I wore this dress
especially for you.

I hoped it would get to you.
It's two sizes too small.

I thought it would be nice for you to
notice that I was a woman just once.

Miss Thatcher.

I was just kidding.

Really, I don't know
what made me say that.

Yes. Well...

that makes us even.

- I'll take that in here.
- I wish you would.

Mr. Stephens' office.

Well, just a moment, Mr. Burke.
I'll see if he's in.

Mr. Burke wants to know if you've
done anything on his campaign.

I haven't done a thing.

I'd better tell him I had
the chickenpox or something.

Hello, Mr. Burke. How are you?

No, I haven't. Not a darn thing.

Well, no, Mr. Burke,
I haven't forgotten about you.

I've been snowed under
with other things.

I haven't been able to work up
any enthusiasm for your product.

Now, look, Mr. Burke, we have a lot
more important clients than you, and...

The same to you, buddy.

Sorehead.

Am I mistaken, or did you throw
an account out the window?

Yeah, I did, and it's about time too.

What's the matter with you?
An account's an account.

There are some that aren't worth it.
This is one of them.

What's more, you knew it
when you gave it to me.

That's very unfair, Darrin.

It's the truth.

I wanted the Hotchkiss account.

I know how to sell
that dishwasher of his.

And besides,
a raise should go along with it.

What's bugging you
this morning, Darrin?

I gave you the Burke account
because it was a challenge.

And I want no part of it.

That's a miserable man,
a marginal product...

and I have no intention
of knocking myself out.

And you can stop making goo-goo
eyes at the Hotchkiss account...

because it's mine. All mine.

Right, Larry. Sure.

I hope you'll be in a better mood
when we come tonight...

with Mr. Hotchkiss and his wife.

Yeah, I'll try to be a good boy.

Well, see you tonight at 7, Darrin.

I'm looking forward to it, Larry.

Big sh*t.

What did you stop me for?
What is it I've done?

You know what you did, mister.
You went through a red light.

That light turned yellow just as I was
going through the intersection.

It was red all the way through.

It was yellow, and you know it.

Come on, now, tell the truth.

May I see your driver's li...?

Yeah, it was yellow, all right.

You admit it?

Yeah, you got me.

What did you flag me down for?

Oh, I was feeling lousy...

and I just felt like I had to
hang one on somebody.

Always makes me feel better
when I get this way.

Do you get this way often?

You would too.

I've got two enemies who are trying
to destroy my natural good nature.

My sergeant by day,
and my wife by night.

Yeah, you've got it rough.

Keeping people from
k*lling one another...

and all you get in return
is a nasty look for your trouble.

Mister, you really understand.

You know, you don't meet up
with your kind very often.

Well, I don't feel this way very often.

Would you mind removing yourself
from my car? I'd like to go home.

Okay, buddy.

But don't go through that light again,
or I'll throw the book at you.

Sam, I'm home.

- Fine, Darrin. Be down in a minute.
- Okay.

Hello, David.

Did you have a nice day?

Would you mind flying down
from your roost?

My, we are testy today, aren't we?

I don't know,
I'm just not myself today.

Oh, you're wrong.

You're very much yourself today.

What is that supposed to mean?

Hi there.

Hi, darling.

- What kind of a kiss is that?
- A cautious kiss.

- I didn't want a roller in the eye.
- Honey, I'm sorry.

I had to do my hair for tonight.
You don't mind, do you?

Sure, I do. All men do.

If women only realized how ridiculous
and unfeminine they look.

All that hardware in their hair.

You want me to look pretty,
don't you?

Well, look at it this way:

How would you feel
if I came down the stairs...

with shaving cream
all over my face...

and offered you
my forehead to kiss.

Darrin.

I wouldn't be at my
most attractive, would I?

No. And you're not right now.

I find his honesty
very refreshing, Samantha.

Well, thank you, Mom.

Well, if the sight of me is so
distressing, I'll go back upstairs.

Oh, Sam. Sweetheart.

You are the one woman in the world
who can get away with it.

Even if you tried,
you couldn't be not beautiful.

My...

that's the sweetest,
whitest little lie I ever heard.

All right, Mother. That'll do.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's from Uncle Herbert.
It arrived at the office today.

Hey, you should've seen the dress
my secretary was wearing today.

Boy!

Couldn't keep your eyes off her,
I suppose.

Well, it wasn't easy.

Of course, she can't
compare with Sam.

Miss Thatcher is...
Well, you take her out of that dress...

- Is everything set for dinner?
- Yes.

Oh, darling.

Don't let a thing like that
bother you.

You know how men are
with their secretaries.

Now, wait a minute!

Why don't you two go upstairs
and get dressed?

I hope you have a lovely evening.

- Thank you, dear.
- Don't worry about me.

I'll find something to eat someplace.

- Okay, fine.
- By myself somewhere.

Maybe I won't bother.

When I'm alone,
I just don't have an appetite.

Why don't you stay
and have dinner with us?

Oh, darling. That's very nice of you.

Are you sure that I won't
be in the way?

No, no, of course not. The Tates
love seeing you, don't they, darling?

Oh, yes. Yes, they really,
certainly, really, really do.

Don't overdo it, dear.

- Seven o'clock, Samantha?
- Yes, 7:00.

Seven o'clock.

Well, I looked that man
straight in the eye...

and I said, "Sir, give me
a chance to prove to you...

that a 6-year-old boy can handle
the toughest paper route in town."

He did, and I did,
and that's how I got my start.

Ed, that's a wonderful,
heart-warming story.

- Isn't it, Darrin?
- Certainly is, Larry.

- Fresh drink, Mr. Hotchkiss?
- Oh, thank you.

- I'll have one, Darrin.
- Stephens, that's a cute wife you got.

Maybe she could help us write
slogans for my dishwasher.

I'm afraid I'm not very good
at that sort of thing.

Yes, it does take a little talent,
doesn't it?

That reminds me. I thought of a great
slogan for my dishwasher today.

- I'll let you have it for nothing.
- Great. Let's hear it.

Everybody ready?

- Frances.
- You're absolutely right, Ed.

I haven't said anything yet.

What was the slogan,
Mr. Hotchkiss?

Well, this is going to k*ll you.
Here's how it goes:

"Confucius say don't be wishy-washy,
buy a Hotchkiss dishy-washy."

- Hey, that's great, Ed.
- Hey.

Darrin, make a note of that,
and we'll discuss it at the meeting.

Sure. Sure, Larry.

Yes, sir. Yeah.

I won't have to make a note of that,
because I won't forget it.

How could I forget anything
as ridiculous as that?

What was that you said?

"Wishy-washy, dishy-washy."
You must be kidding, Ed.

Now, Darrin, you've got to admit
that it's pretty catchy.

- Watch yourself, Darrin.
- Don't get nervous.

I know Hotchkiss is a pet of yours.

That's right, buddy boy.

If anybody's going to laugh
at a pet client of mine...

it's gonna be me.

"Confucius say." Did you ever hear
of anything this ridiculous?

I've heard better slogans
from a 10-year-old child.

Darrin, Larry,
don't tease Mr. Hotchkiss.

They always do this
with a new client.

It's a sort of fraternity initiation.

Junior high school fraternity.

You must lose
a lot of clients that way.

Oh, no, we only do it to clients
who have a good sense of humour.

Yeah, like you, Ed.

Yeah.

That's one thing you can say about me
without fear of contradiction.

- Right, Frances?
- Whatever you say, Ed.

A sense of humour has always been
an important ingredient in my success.

I've always been able
to laugh at misfortune.

Even during the grim days when
I was pulling myself up the ladder.

Rung by rung, I worked myself up
into the appliance business until...

Knock it off, Ed.

What did you say, Frances?

You didn't work your way
into the business.

You were kicked into it
by my father...

who gave you $25,000
when we got married.

How can you say a thing like that?

It's very easy. It's the truth.

- But...
- Darrin...

what'd you put in those drinks?

I don't know, but I'll give you odds
we never make it to dinner.

Now, Frances, take it easy.

Give him both barrels, honey.
You'll feel better.

- Louise!
- I've been clamming up for years...

while he's been playing
"I Love Me" on his big trombone.

And don't you ever snap
your fingers at me again.

Say, why don't we all
have another drink, huh?

Samantha, is dinner almost ready?

Dinner may be ready,
but Frances isn't.

She has a few more things to say.
Haven't you, honey?

Plenty. But this'll do for starters.

The odds against dinner
are going up.

I'll be going up straight through
the ceiling if you don't do something.

Okay, honey. You know...

a little bit of frankness can be
a very refreshing and healthy thing.

But a lot of frankness is a gasser.

- What's come over you?
- You interrupted me.

- Darrin!
- You never talked to me...

- like this in your life.
- It's time somebody did.

- And it's about time you listened.
- Hold on, Darrin.

- Darrin, listen.
- You stay out of this, Sam.

- I can handle this, Larry.
- I think it's time for dinner, everyone.

You might begin
by listening to your wife.

And then your advertising
representatives.

Keep going. Go on.
You're making lots of sense.

I've waited for years for you to stop
being that silent, suffering martyr.

You picked a beautiful time
to turn yourself on.

Silent martyr?

Now, you look here, Ed...

Now, just a minute, folks.

I'm not finished yet.

I think it's time for dinner, everyone.

Larry?

I think we ought to postpone
this little discussion until...

right now.

There are ways of handling an account.
I don't think this is any of them.

Ed, we don't tell you how to
make dishwashers...

because you make a good one.
We don't need amateurs telling us...

how to conduct
your advertising campaign.

Well, let's go in, everyone. We might
as well fight this out over dinner.

Darrin, let him tell him off.
It's his account.

Louise, if I want your help,
I'll ask for it.

You leave her alone.
She's a fine, courageous woman.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
where's your manners?

We're guests in this house.

- Oh, that's perfectly all right, really.
- This is my house too...

and I give Frances permission
to say anything.

Go ahead, Frances.

Well, why aren't you laughing, Ed?

Where's that sense of humour
that carried you through...

when you were
climbing that ladder?

Why don't we let it
wait until after dinner?

Good morning, daughter.

Good morning.

Is there anything you'd like to discuss
with your dear old Mother?

Like last night's disaster,
for example?

Wasn't it awful?

Well, as I said,
that's what you have to expect...

when human beings
are forced to tell the truth.

- Mother.
- Isn't that right, my little friend?

Then Darrin's uncle Herbert
didn't send that. You did.

That's right.

It's a little truth god.

Hi, sweetheart. Is coffee ready yet?

No, I haven't put it on yet.

Well, then how come...?

Darrin, before you come
any closer...

I think you ought to know
that Mother sent that.

And any human that comes near it
has to say what's on his mind.

You see? They just can't
stand the truth, any of them.

That was a mean, low,
sneaky, underhanded trick.

Yes, it was.

And I'm quite pleased with myself.

It was at the party last night.
Mother kept it busy.

That's what caused all the trouble.

Oh, fine, great.
Then all I have to do is tell Larry...

that we were all under the influence
of a magic statue.

He'll understand. Simple.

Here's your chance to explain.

He's coming up the walk right now.

- Have fun, children.
- Moth...

- Darling, I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

Darrin, you made a fool
of yourself last night.

And you darn near made one of me.

Appeared to me that everyone was
doing a good job on themselves.

- Including you.
- Oh, good morning, Samantha.

- Lovely dinner.
- If you want some...

it's still out in the kitchen.

I tell you, I stayed up
practically all night...

trying to calm down
Hotchkiss and his wife.

Not to mention Louise.

Oh, I salvaged the account...

but I do think I'm entitled
to an apology from you.

Well, Larry, I...

There's no reason for Darrin
to make an apology.

I'm afraid you'll have to
get along without one.

Maybe I can get along
without him at the office too.

- Why don't you try?
- You've got a deal.

And it's the worst deal I ever made.

I need you at the office, you know that.
I can't get along without you.

Oh, that's nice to hear,
isn't it, Darrin?

What about
Mr. And Mrs. Hotchkiss?

Well...

to tell the truth,
I wasn't up with them last night.

He called me this morning.

They continued the donnybrook
they were having...

and cleared up a lot
of old misunderstandings.

- They're happy as larks.
- Oh, how sweet.

Did they say anything about Darrin?

As a matter of fact, he did. He said
Darrin was right about the slogan...

and that we know more
about advertising than he does.

He thinks Darrin's a great guy.

Well, that's fine, Larry.

- You'll be down at the office later?
- Of course I will, Larry. I'll be there...

as soon as I get a raise...

and full responsibility
for the Hotchkiss account.

What?

You drive a hard bargain, Darrin.

But okay.

See you at the office.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Where's the statue?

Right here, Mother.

And you were wrong.

Nothing but good seems
to have come from the truth.

Well, you can't win them all.

Anything you'd like to say, dear?

Darling, you're beautiful,
sweet, charming, adorable...

and I love you madly.

There, you hear that?
And that's the truth.

But your mother is an
irritating, meddling...

- Darrin.
- I'm not finished yet.

- I'm going to say a lot more.
- Oh, no, you're not.

As I was saying...

your mother is an irritating,
meddling, nasty...

Well, I guess I told her.

Guess you did.