01x17 - Report Card

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Last question.

"Bat wings, dragon scales and fruit punch
make what kind of potion?

A, invisibility. B, skin of steel.
C, a refreshing fruit smoothie."

Got it.

Does he have to say "got it"
after every question?

It's throwing me off on my exam.

We're taking an exam?

Time. Pencils down.
Last exam section.

Grab your wands and line up.

You have to use
the transfiguration spell

to change one of these guinea pigs
into a white dove.

Okay, Justin, you're up.

This guinea pig is now not
A dove with wings should fill its slot

Very good, Justin.

- Alex, you're up.
- Oh, okay.

This guinea pig is now not
A dove with wings should fill its slot

It's a pretty dove.

No. It's a pretty brick.

You weren't concentrating.
Max, you're up.

This guinea pig is now not
A dove with wings should fill with snot

I said "snot," didn't I?

Okay, everybody record
your transfiguration results

in your midterm-exam text booklets.

I don't know why you guys
even bother taking the tests.

We all know I'm the one that's gonna win
the family wizard contest

and keep my powers.

That's not for a long while, Justin.

And what if they change the rules
so only girls keep their powers?

Oh, wait, you still might win.

Oh, Alex, you're so transparent. You know
that I'm better than you at magic,

so you have to lash out
and make fun of me.

And you don't take
any of this magic seriously.

I can't take you seriously.
You use big words like "transparent."

What are you, British?

No, but I am.

Professor Crumbs,
always nice to see you.

The beard is coming in nicely.

Jerry.

I knew your father when this

was just a soul patch
for the lovely witches.

I am here to collect your exams
and take them back to Wiz Tech.

Why doesn't Dad
just grade our papers?

So that no one will get better grades

just by batting their eyes
and trying to look cute.

Are you talking about me?

Alex, you're doing it right now.

Wizard report cards are here.

Oh, you sound excited.
You must feel confident you did well.

Wizard report cards are here.

You first.

Max Russo, your exam results

plus your coursework
equals a solid C-plus.

You are totally average. Cool.

Sweet, I got a C. Yes.

Alex Russo, your exam results
plus the homework you handed in

on greasy napkins
that smelled like shrimp

all equals... F.

And the... is a low F.

Excuse me.

I turned a guinea pig
into a very solid brick,

which I think is a much more effective
symbol for peace.

Please have your parents sign me,

so I can return to Wizard Tech
and receive my payment.

I have to make a living.

- Yeah, right, like that's gonna happen.
- No, no, no.

I got children to laminate.

What are you gonna do?
Mom and Dad need to sign that.

Well, they can't sign something
that never got here.

- But it got here.
- No, it didn't.

- Yes, it did. No, it didn't.
- It did.

- What?
- I don't know.

Perfect.

Oh, the report cards are here.

I gotta make a copy for my new frame.

Justin Russo,
your exam results plus your coursework

equals all A's
and one B-plus in rhyming charms.

You're the smart one.

B-plus? I can't put this in the frame.

What a shame.

See, I got game. This grade is lame.

Oh, I got a good rhyme. Corn.

And?

I panicked.

Oh, I love it in there.
It smells like popcorn.

Why don't you hush?
I thought I threw you away.

You can't throw me away.
I need a parent to sign me.

And preferably with a nice soft-tip pen.

See you later, honey.
I'll be back in an hour.

Going for a jog.

Are you doing the dishes?

Yeah, sure.

I know what you're doing.
You're afraid of what's gonna happen

when your report card gets here,
so you're trying to be extra good.

Yep. You always know
what I'm up to, Dad.

I'm back.

Oh, yeah?
Well, let's see if you keep talking

when you're full of hot sauce.

That is hot.

You know what? I feel bad for you.

I'm going to tell you
how to get rid of a bad report card.

Really? How?

Get good grades.

Now you pay twice. Four times.

Sixteen. Thirty-two.

Sixty-four.

Alex, what are you doing?

Mom.
That was just confetti for the parade.

There's no parade.

Not yet, but there will be.

And how proud are we gonna be

when we're the first ones
to throw the confetti?

My guess, pretty proud.

You know what?
I've got a magazine and an iced tea.

I'm good with whatever you're up to.

Is that the new issue
of Urban Terrace Gardening?

- I've been waiting for that.
- Alex.

I got to the corner,
and I realised I forgot to stretch.

And it's hot.

I think I'll start jogging in the fall.

Alex Russo,
your exam results plus the homework...

- What'd you say, Alex?
- Nothing.

Alex, it's not very ladylike
to talk with your mouth full.

Hey, what's that?

- These parents are now not
- What are you doing?

Two guinea pigs should fill their slot

What did I just do? I panicked.
I had to buy myself more time.

- To do what?
- To panic.

I still don't know
why you'd spend your entire savings

on a giant blow-up exercise ball.

It's for exercise?

Man, I was gonna blow this up,
then walk across the ocean in it.

That is exercise, Maxy.

Man.

Cool. Guinea pigs. Can I race them?

No. I'm still working
on Dad's transfiguration spell,

and these guinea pigs
have to stay in their cage no matter what.

Fine. I'll just go ask Mom and Dad.

Mom and Dad aren't here,

because they went to an emergency
sandwich-shop convention.

Emergency sandwich-shop convention?

Yeah. You know how you were all tweaked
because sandwich wraps are tortillas,

and they don't get enough credit?

Well,
people are finally getting behind that.

Yes. My e-mail campaign worked.

Now, wait. Now get out of here, you guys.
I'm having my AP biology friends over

to watch the new episode
of Volcano Discovery in high-def.

And I don't want you guys
to embarrass me.

We are not the embarrassing part
of what you just said.

That was the best volcano special ever.

The high-def made it seem like
the volcano was right in your living room.

Oh, which, geologically speaking,
would be a statistical improbability

along the lines of there being
a snowstorm in the Sahara Desert.

You got me. Good nerd burn.

Well, I'm off to the park
to bury something.

Oh, a time capsule?

Yeah, sure, that.

I love doing that.
You should put a cell phone in it,

call it and leave a voicemail, so that way
someone in the future can pick it up.

No, actually, people take my calls now.

Harper, what are you doing here?

I heard about Justin's big party,

and I've been working up the nerve
to crash it.

Well, I've been working up the nerve
to leave. Oh, look, I did it.

Hey, everyone. So volcanoes, huh?
That's a hot topic. Am I right?

Volcanoes, they're hot.

We're off volcanoes.

Now we're debating who's smarter,

a -year-old boy
or a common guinea pig.

I'm on Justin's side.
Which side are you on, Justin?

As always, I'm on the side of science.

This calls for an experiment.

This was so totally worth my allowance.
I'm gonna use it forever.

Okay, when Harper says go,

you'll both try and make your way
to the stack of cheese slices

located outside the subway car.

Three.

Two. One.

Go.

I hate this thing.

Alex's guinea pigs are getting away.
Catch them.

Oh, man. We lost Alex's guinea pigs.

I knew if I had party
without parental supervision,

this would get out of hand.

Oh, Alex is gonna freak out.

Unless we buy two more guinea pigs
at the pet store.

Good thinking, good thinking. Let's
hide this in the lair so Alex doesn't find it.

Then we'll go to the pet store.
They always give me a treat.

Those are dog biscuits.

I know. What do you think keeps my teeth
so white and my hair so shiny?

Look, you change into a C now,
and I promise I'll get an A next semester.

And it'll all even out.

Sorry.

Then you leave me no choice.

Alex Russo.

You haven't returned
your wizard report card.

Wow, talk about a paper cut.

I need to speak to your parents
straightaway.

I hope that's British
for much, much later.

No? Okay, could you just
give me one minute? Yeah.

Actually, my parents took my report card
with them to a sandwich-shop convention.

I'm sure you're familiar with the tortilla
versus sandwich-wrap controversy.

No? Okay.

I agree.

Tortillas were cheated.

I can see why your parents dove
into this most pressing crisis.

I'm sorry I questioned you.
Will you accept my apology?

Definitely. Thanks for stopping by.
Don't be a stranger.

Say hi to the little warlocks for me.

Let's wizard handshake on it.

The two-handed wizard handshake?

That's the one.

The only thing she gets an A in
is hiding and lying.

Be still.

You lied to me.

I can explain.

I'm not interested
in what you have to say anymore.

I'm coming back tonight
to see your parents,

and we'll decide how long
to suspend your powers.

My powers? No, you can't.
I'm gonna need those.

I'm also gonna need to know
a sound that someone could make

to attract a guinea pig, for instance.

I would try a sort of rabbit-y thing,
but with more saliva.

Desist.

You haven't acted
with any responsibility.

Say goodbye to your magical ability.

No.

Okay, these guinea pigs
look just like the ones we lost.

You think this'll trick Alex?

What are you doing
with my guinea pigs?

Yes, I do.

Mom and Dad
aren't really away for the weekend.

I had to turn them into these guinea pigs
to keep them from seeing my grades.

So the guinea pigs in the cage
were actually Mom and Dad.

Yeah, these guinea pigs
are Mom and Dad.

No, were, because they scurried off,
so we bought these at the pet store.

- Oh, man.
- Oh, man.

Oh, man. We've lost four guinea pigs.

How could you do something
so stupid?

Only a stupid person
would think that my stupid thing

was stupider than your stupid thing.

You don't even deserve
to have wizard powers.

This isn't about me right now.
This is about finding Mom and Dad.

- Who you turned into guinea pigs.
- Okay, it's a little about me.

Here's what we should do.

We'll ask these guinea pigs
where guinea pigs would run away to.

How are we gonna
ask these guinea pigs anything?

Use the transfiguration spell
to turn them into people,

and they'll be able to tell us.

- You use it. It's your problem.
- I can't.

Crumbs suspended my powers
until Mom and Dad sign my report card.

What? Is there anything else
you wanna tell me?

Yeah. There's no
emergency sandwich-shop convention.

Nobody cares
about your stupid tortilla movement.

No, Justin, look.

Will you just hurry
and say the spell, please?

Fine.

These guinea pigs are small
Dumb and hairy

Make them human
To find Theresa and Jerry

You've gotta be kidding me.
We're human.

I'm gonna use my opposable thumb
to pick stuff up.

Check it out.
I have things in both hands.

- Ask me if I'm okay.
- Are you okay?

Yes, I am.

Okay, settle down.

We need your help finding
a couple of guinea pigs, guinea people.

- I smell peanut butter and jelly crusts.
- And dirty socks. And orange soda.

Under Max's bed.

Oh, Max, the door opens.
You cleaned up in here. Go.

Is this marshmallows
smeared on asparagus?

Yes. Yes, it is, Justin.
That experiment's almost complete.

Max, what are you doing
with Mom's black dress?

It's a Darth Vader cape.
You people have no imagination.

This is where my lucky mug went.

There they are.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Oh, they look mad.
Maybe changing them back is a bad idea.

Yeah, it's a bad idea.
Let's just be raised by two guinea pigs.

Okay.

These guinea pigs are now not
Mom and Dad should fill their slot

Alex Russo, you are in so much trouble.

I can explain, but you need to know
that Professor Crumbs is coming

to discuss
my horrible report card with you.

Were you eavesdropping?

Mr. And Mrs. Russo, I am here...

What am I standing on?

It's marshmallow surprise.

The surprise is asparagus.

Alex, do you wanna tell
Professor Crumbs where we were?

I turned them into guinea pigs
to keep them from seeing my report card.

And how did that work out for you?

Not well.

Oh, I see you have Alex's powers.
Don't let them fall into the wrong hands.

Oh, wait, they already were
in the wrong hands.

Yes, they were.
I am taking away her powers forever.

I have never seen such a blatant disregard
for the student wizard code of conduct.

No, please don't do this.
I've come this far. It's not fair.

I'm afraid it is. I shall take your powers
and be on my way.

Professor Crumbs
turned into a guinea pig.

Sweet.

Don't look at me.
I don't have my powers.

Justin?

I panicked.

This is my problem, not yours.
Don't let me drag you down.

But you don't drag me down.
I don't want you to lose your powers.

Every time you mess up,
I have to think of a way to fix it.

You make me a better wizard.

Look, I don't know.
Professor Crumbs as a guinea pig?

Somebody's gonna lose their powers.

Well, I'm not a wizard, so...

What do you guys want for dinner?

Justin, you have to change him back.

Everybody just has to take
their medicine.

This guinea pig is a bad dresser
Turn him now into my professor

Justin Russo. How dare you?
You are supposed to be a model student.

I'm appalled.

I know.

I deserve whatever punishment
you're about to give me.

Professor, this is all my fault.

Justin, I heard what you said
about your sister

through my guinea-pig ears.

And if you could do something like that,
I can't ignore it.

You two bring out the best
in each other.

Alex.

I know I'm going to regret this,

but I am returning your powers

so that you can train
alongside your brother.

And to your punishment,

you both will spend the next two weeks
grooming my beard.

I'll see you in my office
Monday morning at : .

Bring a comb.

Alex, is there something
you wanna say to your brother?

Yeah. Thanks for sticking up for me.

Yeah. Professor Crumbs
really bought that story I laid onto him

about you making me a better wizard.

- Yeah. I really hate you.
- Yeah. I hate you too.

And I guess, if it means so much to you,
I'll sign your tortilla petition.

Thank you.

Well, I really hate both of you.
Now we don't have any guinea pigs.