01x01 - A Man About the House

[bunniefuu]

[ MUSIC ]

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS
AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE
IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS
CALLING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

Please have a little
respect for the dying.

You're not dying.

I'm hoping to.

[ Laughter ]

Tell me something?

Yeah.

That awful girl
at the party last night?

Yeah.

The one who kept giggling and
trying to do a strip tease?

Yeah.

That was me, wasn't it?

Yeah.
[ Laughter ]

Eleanor must hate me.

It was her wedding reception
and I ruined it.

She didn't even notice.

Her labor pains started
and they rushed her off

To the hospital.

Last night?

Yeah, she had a boy.

Seven pounds, eight ounces.

Oh, wonderful.

I sure hope that baby doesn't
keep them awake at night

On their honeymoon.
[ Laughter ]

Look at that.

I'd rather take a bath.
[ Laughter ]

It's all your fault,
you know, you made the punch.

There was nothing
wrong with the punch.

Oh? Then why did
the ladle turn green?

[ Laughter ]

I never made punch before.
[Water running]

Maybe there was something
wrong with the gin.

Or the tequila, or the whisky,
or the rum, or the vodka,

Or the--

[ Laughter ]

There's a man in there.

A what?

A ma--A man, a guy, asleep
in the bathtub.

See?

[ Laughter ]

Is he a friend of yours?

No, no.
I--I never saw him before.

Maybe he's a burglar.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, sure,

He came in to steal the bathtub
and fell asleep on the job.

We just can't leave him
in there, I mean,

There's a girl coming
to look at Eleanor’s room.

Oh, that's no problem.

We'll just keep her
out of the bathroom.

What if she has
to use the bathroom?

That could be a problem.

Wait.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, good evening.

Good morning.

Good lord, is it morning?

Yes, yes it is.

And--And if you don't mind a
stupid question, who are you?

Uh, oh, I’m sorry,
I’m Jack--Jack Tripper.

That water's wet.

Uh, you don't happen
to have a towel handy?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm Chrissy.

Hi.

And this is Janet.

Oh, yeah. I remember you.

You were at the party
last night.

We gave the party last night.

Well, I was one
of your guests.

I came with a friend who knew
one of the gate crashers.

Why were you sleeping
in the bathtub?

Huh? I--I don't know. I--I--
Last thing I remember I had a

glass of that terrible punch and
then everything went black.

And green.

Isn't there, uh, another girl
who lives with you?

The one who's you know?

Eleanor, yeah, she had a boy.

Yeah, she must have.
[ Laughter ]

Well, look, I’m--I'm sorry.
I better be going.

Good.

Hey, you can't
go out like that.

Take your clothes off first.
[ Laughter ]

Hum?

That party upstairs kept me awake
till three o'clock in the morning.

Oh, really?

I didn't think you could hear
it over your snoring.

I wouldn't have minded
if I’d been invited.

Oh, you wouldn't have
liked it, Stanley.

All those young girls.
You're not up to it.

[ Laughter ]

What does that mean?

It's all you can do to keep
the pot boiling down here.

[ Laughter ]

Well, those girls better
watch it or out they go.

Look at that crack
in the ceiling.

Their party did that.

Oh, that wasn't
the party, Stanley,

That was the earthquake.

What earthquake?

The big one,
don't you remember?

Oh, it was thrilling.

Thrilling?

Yeah, it was the first time
our bed moved in years.

Will you get your mind out of
the bed and onto the ceiling?

This is my building.
They should get my permission

Before they throw parties
like that.

Oh, come on, Stanley,
it was just a little party.

A going away party
for one of the girls.

If you'd go away,
I’d give a party.

[ Laughter ]

You know, it's a shame
you don't live in India,

You'd be sacred there.
[ Laughter ]

And contented.
[ Laughter ]

All right, which one of us is
going to go up and complain?

Well, I think it should
be the head of the house.

Right.

I'll go as soon
as my nails are dry.

[ Laughter ]

Pants, socks, shorts--
Anything else?

Only things that
don't come off.

Here, you can put this on.

Me, wear this?
You've got to be kidding?

Eleanor didn't like it either,
that's why she left it behind.

Yeah, but--

It's the only thing
we have that'll fit you.

Don't say anything.

What do you think?

I can't tell.
I'm used to seeing it pregnant.

If the guys at the gym
could see me now

They'd make me turn in my towel.

You want to put these
in the oven?

Sure.

The oven?

Can you think of a
better way to dry them?

Uh, not too well done, huh?
[ Laughter ]

Uh, you don't happen to
have a razor do you?

Yeah, you can borrow mine.

Great.

There you go.
[ Laughter ]

I have a very light beard.

Uh, is there any shaving cream?

No.

It's going to be painful.

Wait. Try this.

Oh, yeah. Thank you,
this will be fine.

What is it?

We use it to clean the sink.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, boy, you really
loused up that toast.

It's not my fault,
Eleanor didn't leave the recipe.

[ Laughter ]

Are the scrambled
eggs ready yet?

Yeah, for the garbage pail.
[ Laughter ]

What's cooking?

Breakfast.
You're just in time.

Oh, do you mind
if I eat in my boots?

I'd rather you ate
off the table.

It started out
as scrambled eggs.

Really?

Yes.

Well, I’m--I'm sure
it's delicious.

[ Laughter ]

I, uh, this--This--Is horrible.

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Do you think you
could do any better?

The proof will
be in the eating.

Let me see what
you've got in here.

Okay. Eggs, butter,
what are these?

Mushrooms, an onion--
We'll start with that.

Start what?

Eggs madera fun chów,
can you boil an egg?

I don't know, Eleanor
always did the cooking.

[ Laughter ]

Are you sure that you know
what you're doing?

Oh, yes.

I'm studying to be a chef at the
L.A. Technical college.

You are leaping at the
galloping gourmet of .

Oh, it takes that long?
[ Laughter ]

You have to learn how
to trot before you can gallop.

Who said that?
[ Laughter ]

Now, for my special touch
I’ll need some bread crumbs.

I think I have
some in my bed.

Never mind.
I'll--I'll make my own.

Well, that's silly,
nobody makes bread crumbs,

They just sort of fall
off the bread.

Uh, wine, I need some wine.
Do you have a bottle?

No. Ooh, but I can make one up
from the party leftovers.

Good.

Oh, um, does it have
to be all one color?

Um-hum.

Could you get me a
heaping tablespoon of milk?

Yeah.

Heaping?

Never mind, that's fine.

[ Doorbell ]

Who is it?

It's Mrs. Roper.

Oh, come in.

Hey, don't you
lock your door?

Whenever I think of it.

Oh, you shouldn't
take any chances.

You know, there's been
a lot of robberies

In this neighborhood lately.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, look honey,

About all that noise
you were making last night.

Oh, yeah, um, Mrs. Roper,
I am really sorry.

I was going to come down.

Yeah right through
the ceiling we thought.

I didn't mind all the music,

But, uh, ooh,
all that foul language.

There wasn't
any foul language.

You weren't down there
with Mr. Roper.

Well, we weren't the
only ones making noise.

He was beating on the ceiling
with a broom handle.

I know, now, just keep
it down next time, okay?

Okay.

You know what
Mr. Roper's like.

"I don't want any weirdo's
or hanky panky in my house."

He thinks--He thinks queen
Victoria was a swinger.

Where's my wine? Oh, hi.

Hello.

Here it is and hurry up,
I’m really starving.

What's that?

Oh, a girlfriend spent
the night here last night.

Girlfriend? Look, look-

She looks dreadful without
makeup, doesn't she?

Now, will you go down there and
tell Mr. Roper that I promise

We are going to be
quiet from now on.

[ Applause ]

Do you study cooking full-time?

Weekdays from eight till two,

The rest of the time
I pick up odd jobs.

How 'bout you, what do you do?

I work in a pool?

You're a lifeguard?

She means a typing pool.
[ Laughter ]

You're a typist?
With a shape like that?

Oh, it doesn't get in the way.
[ Laughter ]

No, what I meant was
that you're great looking.

Oh, thank you.

And to keep all that hidden.

I think your onions
are overheating.

Janet works in a flower
shop, isn't that exciting?

Terrific.

[Doorbell]

I'll get it.

As far as I’m concerned,
she's already got it.

Hi.

Patricia Crawford.

No, I’m Chrissy Snow.

No, I mean I’m
Patricia Crawford,

I've come to look
at your apartment.

Oh, yeah, we're expecting you.
You can use the bathroom now.

Must I?
[ Laughter ]

A man up there?
In women's clothes?

That's right, Stanley.

He was wearing a girl's dressing
gown, but he didn't fool me.

Are you sure
it was a man, not a woman?

They all look alike nowadays.
[ Laughter ]

Not to me they don't.
[ Laughter ]

Besides, I could see
some little hairs on his chest,

Peeping out.

[ Laughter ]

Well, that doesn't prove
anything, look at your mother.

Look, I don't care
whether you believe me or not,

But it was a man.

I wonder what game
is going on up there?

Oh, probably something
delightfully kinky

That only three can play.
[ Laughter ]

I'm going up there
and I’m going to bounce him

Right out on his ear.

Well, it is small of course,
but then most of the time

I'll be out here
with you gals chin-wagging.

Uh, yes, this is the kitchen
where we chin our wags.

And this is Jack Tripper.

Hi.

How do you do?

We found him
in the bathtub.

Really? I found a spider
in the bath once.

You know, they crawl
up the drain pipe,

Oh, it was a horrible,
hairy little thing.

I just opened my mouth
and screamed.

I've kept the plug
in it ever since.

She could've fooled me.
Well, um, uh--Look, Patricia?

My friends call me "Pattikins."

Okay, Patricia, the thing is--
[ Laughter ]

Well, we have a lot
of other girls

Coming to look at the apartment.

We have?

Well, we better have.
[ Doorbell ]

Well, I could always
come back tomorrow.

All right, where is he?

Mr. Roper?

There you are.
[ Laughter ]

You know, those clothes
don't fool me a bit.

This is our landlord.

How do you do?

I was just telling the girls
what attractive--

Take off those clothes.
[ Laughter ]

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon?
Don't even sound like a girl.

Who do you think your fooling?

I mean, anybody can see
that those aren't real.

[ Laughter ]

What made you think
that you could--

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

You dirty old man.

I'm sorry.

It's a mistake
anybody could make.

I mean they don't look real.
[ Laughter ]

Well, i--I--I--I mean
they look like a pair of,

Like--Like a couple of,
uh-oh, oh.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

He touched my bosoms.
[ Laughter ]

Do you think he's taking
too much geritol?

I couldn't, I just--I just
couldn't live in the same house

With a man, I couldn't
--He didn't even say, "please."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Come and get it.

You sit here, Chrissy.

Oh, how nice.

[ Clearing throat ]

Oh, you sit there.
[ Laughter ]

I hope it's all right.

It's the best I could do under
these primitive conditions.

Mm, mm?

Mm, mm, mm...

You don't care for it, huh?

Oh, oh, it's nothing really.

Any genius could have done it.
My specialty is--

[Speaking French]

What's that?

French.

Eventually, uh, I’m hoping
to open up a little restaurant

For people who can really
appreciate high prices.

[ Laughter ]

This breakfast is
good enough to eat.

Thank you, I enjoyed making it.

I don't get a chance
to practice much at the YMCA.

Is that where you're staying?

I can't afford any place else
unless I can find someone

To share an apartment with.

Are you thinking
what I’m thinking?

I think so.

Good.

Listen, Jack,
how would you like--

I like it already.

But first let's
just talk it over.

Would you excuse us
for a minute?

[ Laughter ]

And what's there
to talk over, Janet?

I mean, I think he'd make
a terrific roommate.

Oh, so do I.

Okay, let's ask him.

No, no, no.
Before we rush into this

I think that we should add up
the pluses and the minuses.

All right.

Okay, he is a great cook.

(Together) plus.

He would be good protection for
us around the house.

(Together) plus.

He's very good looking.

(Together) minus/plus

Minus?

Minus.

You saw the way he was looking
at you in there.

I know you Chrissy, you have
a very low melting point.

That's true.

I mean, just a little bit of
sweet talk and you fall apart.

Look what happened with Frank.

I know, but Frank
seemed so nice.

He said he wanted me
for a friend.

Yeah, and then the next
night he bought the friend.

[ Laughter ]

You're right.
But with Jack, I’ll be strong.

No, no, no, no, no--
It will not work.

You can't help
yourself, Chrissy.

So I’m afraid you know
what the answer's got to be.

Yeah, you'll have to be strong
enough for both of us.

[ Laughter ]

Eat your din--Din.

I'm telling you, Helen,
it was a woman.

I have a very sensitive finger.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, Stanley,
I know a man when I see one.

Mainly from memory of course.
[ Laughter ]

What does that mean?

It's been a long time since you
laid your finger on me.

You know something Helen?

You've got enough mouth
for three lips.

I don't care what you say
Stanley, it's a him.

It's a her.

It's a him.

I was up there.
I know what I saw.

Well, I was up there and I--

It was a her.
[ Laughter ]

Me move in here with you two?

Um-hum.

Are you serious?

Yes, of course you'll
have to share everything.

Gladly.
[ Laughter ]

The rent, the food,
the phone bill.

Oh, those, yeah, sure.

Right, well, what do you say?

I need time to think it over.
I'll take it.

First, let's just get one
little thing straight.

That is your room
and this is our room.

One false move and we take you
right to the vet.

[ Laughter ]

[ Doorbell ]

You can move in
as soon as you like.

Hi.

Sorry to barge in
on you again like this,

But me and the wife
are having a little disagreement

About a certain matter
of, uh, sex.

You want to borrow a book?
[ Laughter ]

No, I don't want
to borrow a book.

No, it's about him.

Him? No, he's not the one.

No, no, no.
[ Laughter ]

No definitely not.
Definitely not.

Uh, this is our landlord.
He's always doing that.

Hi. Tripper, Jack Tripper.
I'm moving in here.

No, the one I saw was
completely--Oh, no you're not.

I'm not?

Are you crazy?
Moving in with two girls?

Not in my building you're not.

Well, wait a minute,
it'll be strictly platonic.

Well, I don't care what it is.

What does that mean?

[ Laughter ]

Like you and me, Stanley.

[ Applause ]

Even so,
you can't move in here.

Yeah, well, I guess
I’ll put my pants on.

If you must you must.
[ Laughter ]

See what I mean, why'd he have
them off in the first place?

They probably clashed
with his dressing gown.

[ Laughter ]

I'm sorry, Jack.

Yeah, so am I.

That landlord of yours,
he's really the pits.

Ah, ha, hot--Hot.
[ Laughter ]

I shouldn't have let him
push me around, you know,

I should've laid right into him.

Well, you still can.

You won't mind?

No, I’d enjoy it.

You would?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Okay.

Mr. Roper, I--I have something I
want to tell you,

I wouldn't live under your roof
for all the tea--

It's all right.
It's all right. Son,

Janet just explained it to us,

I'm sorry I misjudged you.

Oh?

You can move in,
it's all right.

Oh.

And we hope you'll be
very happy here, dear.

Oh.

Ta-ta.

How did you get him
to change his mind?

Easy. I just convinced him
that nothing would happen

Between Jack and us.

How did you do that?

Well, I told him that Jack
was a decent, respectable,

Hard-working young man.

And that did it?

Not quite--I also told him
that you were gay.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Music ]

THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.