01x04 - No Children, No Dogs

[bunniefuu]

[ MUSIC ]

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS
AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE
IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS
CALLING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

Oh, hey, Janet, come on
in for a second, will ya?

Sure.

You know I finished that spicy
book you gave me to read.

That was quick.

I just gave it to you yesterday.

Yeah, well I’m no fool.

I went straight for the pages
with the corners turned down.

[ Laughter ]

I read it last night in bed.

It was like reading a gourmet
menu at a health farm.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I’m glad
you enjoyed it.

Oh, don't go yet.
Come on, sit down a minute.

I haven't spoken to a soul
in this whole day.

Well, what about Mr. Roper?

Him--huh--All I get from him is
one grunt for yes,

Two grunts for no, and a burp
when he wants his dinner.

[ Laughter ]

That's all I’ve gotten
for years.

Well, almost--It'll be years
day after tomorrow.

Your anniversary?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, how great!

Are you gonna see a show
or anything?

Oh, yes, yes, we'll see a show,
all right, "Baretta,"

Followed by "Charlie’s Angels."

[ Laughter ]

This is our social calendar.

[ Laughter ]

He won't even remember
it's our anniversary.

Ah, I can't imagine anybody
forgetting a thing like that.

Oh I do envy you,
young people.

Aah, the life you lead.

Oh, there's nothing to it.

You just have to be flat broke.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, but there's your
boyfriends and everything.

Yeah, but they're only
after one thing.

Oh, I do envy you!

[ Laughter ]

Stupid doctor!
That stupid doctor!

Stanley, what happened?
[ Laughter ]

He said
I was in perfect shape.

[ Laughter ]

Isn't that good?

Not to Stanley.

When he goes for a checkup,
he thinks he's wasting his money

Unless the doctor finds
something wrong with him.

[ Laughter ]

There's plenty
wrong with me.

I can't argue with that.
[ Laughter ]

Helen.

Oh, I’m sorry, Stanley, did you
tell him about your pain?

No, we didn't talk about you.

[ Laughter ]
[ applause ]

Oh, by the way, you wife
was just telling me

That day after tomorrow
is a very special day.

Special?

Uh-huh.

Wednesday?

"Baretta"!
[ Laughter ]

"Charlie's Angels"!
[ Laughter ]

See?

I tried.

See ya later.

Ah, hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.

I want you to talk to your
roommate, Chrissy,

And warn her.

Okay--About what?

Well, I was looking out this
window about three o'clock

In the morning and I saw her
walking around half-naked

In her nightgown.

What--Oh my god--She's
sleep walking, again!

Sleep walking--eh--
This is a decent neighborhood.

Now, if she wants to walk
in her sleep,

You tell her to get dressed
before going to bed.

[ Laughter ]

That's a brilliant idea!
[ Laughter ]

All right, Stanley, how did you
just happen to be peeping

Out the window at three o'clock
in the morning?

Peeping?
[ Laughter ]

Me--I wasn't peeping.

I--I wanted to see what the
weather was like.

Then why didn't you look
out our bedroom window?

And wake you up?
[ Laughter ]

You wouldn't want me to wake you
up in the middle of the night,

Would you?

Heaven's no!
And break your perfect record?

[ Laughter ]

You mean I walked out
into the street in my nightie?

Oh, Janet, I am so embarrassed!

Oh, hey, forget embarrassed.

I'm just glad that you
weren't hurt, that's all.

Now, Chrissy, what's making you
walk in your sleep this time?

Chrissy, what's bothering you--
What's--

Well, Chrissy, what?

Oh, it must be Mr. Rogers.

His secretary's out sick and I’m
substituting for her this week.

Oh, is he giving you
a rough time?

Oh, I just can't
keep up with him.

He dictates too fast?

It's not his dictation--
It's his hands.

[ Laughter ]

The girls in the office call
him Christopher Columbus.

What?

The explorer?
[ Laughter ]

Hey, why don't you
complain to his boss?

He is the boss!

You have got a problem.

[ Deep sighing ]

Hi!

And the one thing I’m concerned
about with now

Is the sleep walking, though.

Sleep walking--What are you
talking about?

Jack, Chrissy walked
in her sleep last night

Right out into the street.

Are you serious?

How long has this been going on?

Oh, it started
when I was a kid.

You know it wasn't easy
being a minister's daughter.

I had to be the best in school,
the best in bible class--

And when I couldn't do that,
I got so nervous,

I started walking in my sleep.

Well, just relax.

I've got something that will
take your mind off of it.

I wonder what
he's up to this time.

What've you got?

[Aaahhh]

Oh what a sweet little thing.

Yeah--

Oh, oh, how cute.

Oh, where did you get him?

My friend, Larry,
gave him to me.

Honest Larry--
The used car salesman?

[ Laughter ]

Only thing Larry ever gave
anyone was the business.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, come on--Just because he
calls himself "Honest Larry"

Doesn't mean he's a crook.
[ Laughter ]

Besides, this time
I gave him the business.

How?

Well, Larry has a soft spot
for animals,

And he wanted to get rid of this
litter of pups so I took one.

And that's giving him
the business?

Well, I also owed him $
and I told him

That if I took a puppy,
he'd have to cancel the debt.

Ah, you've got a soft spot, too,
right here.

[ Laughter ]

What do ya mean?

We can't keep it.

Why not?

Oh, Janet--

Oh, now come on, you guys,
you know Roper's rules--

No dogs or babies allowed.

Oh.

Yeah, well, we're keeping half
of the bargain--so far.

[ Laughter ]

If we keep this dog, Mr. Roper
will cancel our lease.

We'll be out on the street!
[ Doorbell ]

She's right, Jack.

Well, what am i
supposed to do, now?

Hey.

Larry's not gonna
take that dog back--

That lousy, used car salesman!

Hi, Larry, we were just
talking about you!

[ Laughter ]

Hi, Jack!

Come on in!

You know Larry.

Hi.

Sure--What are you giving away
this time--

Your pet tarantula?
[ Laughter ]

Larry, it's about the dog--

I know. I know.
You don't have to tell me.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought you'd object.

Why would I object?

Isn't he something?

And, I’m not going
to charge for it, either.

Charge for what?

Ah, this rubber bone--
I forgot to give it to Jack.

It's good for the teeth.

I didn't know your teeth were
giving you trouble, Jack.

[ Laughter ]

It's for the puppy.

Larry, you're gonna
have to take this dog back.

You don't want that sweet,
little--cute,

Little--loveable, little--

Larry, we are not
allowed to have any pets.

You've got him, haven't you?

He's housebroken.
[ Laughter ]

Here.

No, no, wait, whoa, whoa-- What
about the bucks?

I'll pay you somehow--Here.

Hey, she really likes you,
you know.

Larry--

She knows you wouldn't--

Betray her--you--

Larry, please, we just
can't have a dog!

Oh, much as we love her--

Why don't you hold her
for a minute, Chrissy.

Larry!
[ Laughter ]

Okay, okay, I get
the message.

Well, that's it, little girl,
I’ve tried everybody I know.

Nobody seems to want you.

I guess I’ll just to have to--
You know--

Have to what?

Have her put to sleep.

[ Gasps ]

Larry, hey, that
horror story stuff

Is not gonna work here, man.

Yeah, well, ah, you mustn't
blame yourselves.

We--We won't.

Okay.

It's the last time
you'll be seeing her.

You wanna give her one, last,
little stroke, Chrissy?

Larry?

Yeah?

Bye.

I'm going.

Well--

Anyone for coffee?

Hey, he won't do it--
You know?

Not Larry--That old softie.

How about a cookie?

I mean, he will have to get
rid of it somehow--

What?!

I mean he'll give it
to someone else.

Would you like
a cookie, Chrissy?

Anyway, it's not my
responsibility, is it?

Look at this--
It's your favorite kind--

Chocolate chip!

Got nothing to do with me!

I'm not gonna lose any sleep
over a stupid little puppy!

Oh for heavens sakes--
Go get the dog.

Right.

Hey Lar--

[ Laughter ]

I'll see ya, you old softie.

[ Laughter ]

[Laughter]

Chrissy... Chrissy.

[ Laughter ]

Oh my god.
Oh, Jack! Jack!

[ Knocking on door ]

What is it?

Chrissy is walking in her sleep
again--Come on!

Chrissy--

Oh boy, just as i
was dozing off.

Why can't she sleep walk
in the daytime?

[ Laughter ]

Stop shouting.
You'll wake her.

I'm not shouting!

[ Pans dropping ]

Owww ieeee!

[ Laughter ]

Quietly.

I almost broke my neck
on this garbage can.

I don't know how to do
that quietly.

[ Laughter ]

That's a girl--In the door--
That's right--That's right--

Okay--No--No--No--No--

[ Groaning ]

That's it.
[ Laughter ]

Go, now--back to bed.

I don't know she can make it
down those steps asleep.

I'm awake and I fall down.
[ Laughter ]

That's a girl.
She's getting back in bed.

Is she really still asleep?

Yeah.

Oh boy, I hope she doesn't
keep walking all night.

Yeah, well, maybe I’ll just
leave my bedroom door open

Just in case.
[ Laughter ]

Maybe not--
[ Laughter ]

Well, I’ll just go put
some iodine on this graze.

Goodnight.
[ Laughter ]

Don't worry about me.

It's just a flesh wound,
I’ll be fine.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Dog whining ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Dog yapping ]

Shh--Shhh--Shhh--

[ Dog whimpering ]

[ Laughter ]

You'll wake the Ropers.
Quiet! Shh!

If Roper catches you, he'll sell
you to the burger joint

On the corner!

[ Laughter ]

What's the matter little, girl?
Hmm--hmm--

What's going on?

Little thing can't sleep.

You know--maybe she's hungry.

Yeah.

You better feed her.

You wanna have some din-Din,
huh, little baby?

Watch out for that table.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, boy.

Oh what are we gonna do?

Chrissy, Chrissy?

[ Giggling ]

Oh, that's cute!

Yeah, there's nothing
a girl likes more

Than a little tickle
on the tummy.

[ Laughter ]

Not like that! Like this.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, is that better?

Ooohhh, that is much better.

You are so beautiful!

[ Kissing ]

--A blanket.

Oh, no, it's warm enough
in here.

Oh, ooohhhh,
I love your eyes.

Ooohhh--

Here you go.

This is gonna make
you feel so goooood.

[ Laughter ]

Ooh--I could kiss
every inch of you!

[ Laughter ]

No, Jack!
Not on the table!

[ Laughter ]

On the floor
is better--

[ Laughter ]

All right,
you guys, knock it off!

[ Laughter ]

Hi.
[ Laughter ]

Hi.
[ Laughter ]

Hi.

[ Door bell ringing ]

Oh, doesn't anybody sleep
at night anymore?

It's probably Larry trying
to sell some used ear plugs.

[ Laughter ]

You got a dog up here?

[ Laughter ]

What makes you think that?

I've been hearing
a lot of whimpering.

Oh, you mean like this?

[ Whimpering like a dog ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Oh, well you see,

And, uh--
[ Laughter ]

When I hurt myself, I cry,
and that's the way I cry.

[ Whimpering like a dog ]

You really are
a very strange person.

[ Laughter ]

You know, lucky for you,
you don't have a dog up here,

Otherwise, you'd be out
on the street,

And that goes for all of you!

[ Whimpering ]

Toe--

[ Whimpering like a dog ]

Very strange.

[ Laughter ]

We gotta get rid of that dog.

[ Applause ]

Oh, I hope Jack finds
someone to take her.

Yeah, but you know he's already
made about calls.

I feel so sorry
for the poor little thing.

She's no place to go.

Are you kidding?

I counted six places
she's gone already.

[ Laughter ]

Any luck?

No luck.

[ Doorbell ]

Here, would you take
a look at this dog food?

See if it's supposed
to be heated.

Oh, Janet, I’m sorry
to bother you

But I need to borrow some milk.

Milk?

Milk.

[ Laughter ]

Of course you can borrow
some milk, Mrs. Roper.

[ Laughter ]

Of course you can Mrs. Roper.
[ Laughter ]

See I had a quart
but it went sour.

Mr. Roper fixed our fridge, and
you know how he fixes things.

Now it defrosts every time
we flush the toilet.

[ Laughter ]

How nice.

Chrissy, would you bring
Mrs. Roper some milk?

Oh, you girls don't have
to wait on me.

I'll get it myself.

Oh you wanna go into the kitchen
yourself Mrs. Roper?

[ Laughter ]

Do find it a trifle
noisy in here, dear?

[ Laughter ]

Come in, Mrs. Roper.
[ Laughter ]

Hi, here you are.

Oh, thank you, Chrissy.

Hello, Jack.

Oh, oh, is that something you
made in cooking school today?

[ Laughter ]

Yes as a matter of fact,
it is.

It's a beef borgignon
[ laughter ]

Oh, that's French isn't it?

Uh, most of it.
[ Laughter ]

That looks delicious!

Oh, but that's not enough for
the three of you is it?

Uh, leftovers.
I was just throwing this out.

Oh, no, no,
don't throw it out.

Oh yes, there's too much
for us.

Yes.

Oh, well, it'll be a nice change
for Mr. Roper.

[ Laughter ]

The only time he tries something
French

Is when he gets a side order
with his big mac.

[ Laughter ]

Mrs. Roper, I can't
let you have that.

Why not?

Uh, well, it's uh, cold.

Oh, I’ll heat it up
in a jiffy.

Thanks, kids.

Sure.

Oh, what are we gonna do now?

I don't know.

I guess the little puppy will
just have to go hungry.

[ Laughter ]

Hold it. Hold it.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, we can't let Roper
eat dog food.

Oh, why not?
[ Laughter ]

It's only horse meat.

Well, you know a lot of people
do eat horse meat.

Yeah, maybe with
a béarnaise sauce

But not with added bone meal
and marrow bone jelly.

[ Laughter ]

Maybe it'll give Roper
a nice glossy coat.

[ Laughter ]

Besides maybe he just
won't eat it.

Right, there is only
one way to tell.

The next time we see Roper,
we'll throw a stick.

If he fetches--
[ Laughter ]

I think I’d better
go down and stop him.

[ Laughter ]

I fixed that drain pipe.

I must of gone up and down that
ladder times today.

Well, you should be
getting the hang of it soon.

[ Laughter ]

So much to do around here.

You know that ladder's really
been a big help to me.

Why don't you bring it
into the bedroom sometime?

[ Laughter ]

I hope you got
something good to eat.

I'm so hungry I could eat
a horse!

[ Laughter ]

Special treat
for your tonight, Stanley.

Jack made it.
It's beef borgignon.

[ Laughter ]

What's all that jelly
stuff in there?

[ Laughter ]

It's supposed to be in there.

Smells funny.

It's French!

Oh.
[ Laughter ]

Why aren't you having some?

Oh, well, there wasn't enough
for both of us

So I’m just having this stew
that was leftover

From last night.

Sure this stuff is good?

Oh, for heaven’s sake,
Stanley, Jack made it.

It's a gourmet dish.

It's wonderful.

Then you eat it.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna stick with the stew.

I'm not in the mood
to experiment.

You never are.
[ Laughter ]

[ Knocking on door ]

Your stew's not very good, but
at least I’m used to it.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, hi, Jack.

I'm sorry to bust in
on you like this.

I can't let you eat that,
Mr. Roper.

Wait a minute--Wait a minute!
[ Laughter ]

Hey. Hey. Hey.
[ Laughter ]

[ Garbage disposal running ]

I'll just dump this
down the sink here.

Helen, stop him!

I'll explain later,
Mr. Roper.

That was my dinner.
[ Laughter ]

Yes, well, goodnight.
[ Laughter ]

He dumped my dinner
down the sink.

I heard.

What is he,
crazy or something?

Oh, he's probably just shy about
people eating his cooking

When he's still a student.

He dumped my dinner
down the sink!

Oh, now don't get
excited Stanley.

My dinner's floating out to sea
and you tell me

Not to get excited?
[ Laughter ]

I'll fix you something else.

Never mind, never mind.

I'll eat some of this French--
Uh--whatever you call it.

[ Laughter ]

Janet, I’ve just been
in the bathroom.

Oh! Must you announce
those things?

[ Laughter ]

The puppy's not there,
it's gone!

What?

I thought you took it
to bed with you.

No, I wouldn't do that.
What about the fleas?

I don't think
the dog would mind.

[ Laughter ]

Janet, that little puppy
could not climb

Out of the box herself.

Someone must have taken it!

Chrissy?

Yeah. Chrissy!

Yeah?

Oh, Jack!

Oh! I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.
Listen, that's my fault.

I shouldn't stick my nose
into other people's doors.

[ Laughter ]

Want some coffee?

Oh, no time,
I’ve gotta get to work.

Chrissy, have you seen
the puppy?

Oh, yeah.
The Ropers have it.

What?!

Chrissy, wait a minute!

How did that puppy
get down there?

Well I gave it to them.

You what?

Why did you give it
to the Ropers?

Well, I had to find a good home
for it

And this way
we have visiting rights.

Oh, good Chrissy,
you blew it.

Now, we've really had it.

The Ropers know we were
keeping a dog up here.

No they don't.

But if you gave it to them,
they have to--

Ah, ah--see, they don't know
that I gave it to them.

What'd you do, wear a mask?
[ Laughter ]

No, I wore my robe.
[ Laughter ]

See I put it out on their
front door step this morning.

Oh, you didn't leave
that little puppy down there

All by itself did you?

Of course not.

I waited until I saw
Mrs. Roper pick it up.

See, I put in a place where I
knew they wouldn't miss it--

On top of their morning paper.

I bet that put a damper
on their news.

[ Laughter ]

Chrissy, what made, what made
you think that, uh, Mrs. Roper

Would want a dog?

Well, anybody who loves
parakeets must love dogs.

What about Mr. Roper?

Well, I guess she loves him too,

Otherwise she wouldn't
stay with him.

Chrissy!

I got to get to work, Janet.

Wait a minute!

Good morning, Chrissy.

Oh, ho, ho.
Isn't he darling?

[ Awwwww ]

Where did you get it?

[ Laughter ]

Some blonde left him
on my doorstep.

Oh, you saw me--I mean her.
[ Laughter ]

I'm afraid so, dear.

Oh.
[ Chuckling ]

Oh. Oh. Hey, gee.

I must've been
sleep walking again.

Yes, she walks
around the neighborhood.

You always put on your robe
and slippers

Before you go sleep walking,
Chrissy?

Uh, well, uh, Mrs. Roper,
we can explain.

You see I know it looks
really strange--

Did you tell him about that
French food I ate last night?

Hey! That's a dog.

Very good, Stanley.

[ Laughter ]

You ate that stuff
I sent down last night?

Yeah. What's a dog doing
in my building?

I don't allow that.

Oh, now Stanley,
stop pretending.

It's the cutest little
anniversary present

You ever gave me.

[ Laughter ]

What?
[ Laughter ]

Happy anniversary, Mr. Roper.

Anniversary?

And what a darling way to give
him to me--

To surprise me that way--
Leaving him on the doorstep.

Yeah, well--

Isn't that right, Chrissy?

Yeah.

Just what I always wanted.

Well I--I knew that.
[ Laughter ]

Thank you, Stanley.

Oh, I almost forgot the--
The reason I came up here--

About that French food
that I ate last night.

Oh, I’m sorry.

I thought I flushed that
down the drain.

No, that was
my wife's dinner.

Your stuff was delicious.
[ Laughter ]

Do me a favor will you?
Give my wife the recipe.

I mean--the stuff she feeds
ain't fit for a dog.

[ Laughter ]

[Applause]

[ Music ]

THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.