01x05 - Jack the Giant k*ller

[bunniefuu]

[ MUSIC ]

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS
AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE
IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

Hey, that's pretty good.

Yeah, that's the first nail
I hit today that wasn't my own.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Now we have to pull it
really tight

Or else it won't hold springs,
okay?

Okay.

Give a heave.

[ Straining ]

Okay, it's a good thing we've
got a man living with us;

Otherwise, we'd have
to do the heavy work ourselves.

[ Laughter ]

Wait a minute, wait,
wait, wait.

We have to pull together, okay?

All right.

All right.

Okay go!

[ Straining ]

[ Laughter ]

Lying down
on the job again, huh?

The moment my back is turned,
the workers start goofing off.

[ Laughter ]

Where have you been?

You were supposed to
help us fix this couch

Instead of out riding your bike.

I was doing it for you.

For us?

Well sure, I have to keep
in shape don't I

to protect you two?

Ol' watch dog Jack, that's me.

[ Laughter ]

Well, old watch dog Jack
was supposed to be back here

An hour ago to help.

I know, I would have been,
but as I was coming home

I saw a bicycle in front of me
with a girl on it.

Ah ha.

That 'ah ha'
was uncalled for.

The only reason I noticed
her at all was because

her seat was jiggling
all over the place.

[ Laughter ]

So naturally you had
to follow her, right?

Well, sure
I was worried about her.

A loose seat can be
very dangerous.

[ Laughter ]

Especially with you
behind it.

[ Laughter ]

That was unworthy of you,
Janet.

I thought it was very good.

Thank you.

Anyway, I stopped her
and I fixed her seat.

How about getting
behind this couch

And helping us
fix it, huh?

No sweat.

Are you girls lucky
you got a man around this house.

Now watch and learn.

Hammer, please.

Tacks.

Okay.

Not just one,
give me a whole handful.

Yes, but wouldn't it
be easier if I held them?

Haven't you ever seen the way
a real upholsterer works?

One at a time
is a waste of time.

Careful!

[ Mumbling around tacks ]

There, see how easy that is?

[ Laughter ]

How can you talk
so clearly with all

those tacks in your mouth?

I don't have--

[ Laughter ]

I'll get you some water.

No water,
the tacks will get rusty.

What?

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my tooth!

What's all that thumping
going on up there?

They're redecorating, Stanley.

What for?

I already redecorated.

You did a very nice job,
too, but I think the styles

Have changed since .

[ Laughter ]

It was two years ago.

I remember it perfectly because
your mother was visiting.

Well, I don't see
how anything could get

that grubby in two years.

Don't look at me;
it's your mother.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

There, there it is Stanley,
look, look.

How would you like to see me
coming to bed in that?

A golf cart?

[ Laughter ]

The other page, stupid,
the red see-thru nightie.

You'd look better
in the golf cart.

[ Laughter ]

That's the trouble with you,
Stanley, you wouldn't

Even notice if I came to bed
wearing nothing.

Oh, you're wrong there.

I'd be the first to complain.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, why don't you go see
your dentist?

What for?

Because your toothache
is giving me a pain.

Then you go see the dentist.

The place I got a pain,
you don't see a dentist.

All right I’ll go.
I'll go tomorrow.

Yeah, you wait much longer
and you'll be able

To mail your teeth in.

Oh, that's cute,
that's cute, Helen,

The way you'll step on a guy
when he's down.

Look, Stanley, do me a favor and
take a couple of aspirin.

A couple of aspirin
won't stop this pain.

Then take the whole bottle.

[ Laughter ]

That could k*ll me.

[ Laughter ]

You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Ms. Merry Widow.

[ Laughter ]

Only joking, Stanley.

But as long as you’re looking
through that catalog,

Would you see if
that nightie comes in black?

[ Laughter ]

Let it down, let it down,
let it down.

How's that?

Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up!

It's on my foot!

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Jack, oh, Jack, we're sorry.
Are you all right?

Oh, fine, nine toes are
more than enough for anybody.

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, are you okay?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, all right then,
let's try it out.

Oh, hey, this is really firm
now and comfortable.

Well, what do you expect
when you got a man who knows

How to put things together--

[ Laughter ]

Okay, get up.

Come on, let's get it right.

Up, up, up.

Relax, will you, coach?

I would hate to work
for you in your flower shop.

I bet you've got all the daisies
standing at attention.

[ Laughter ]

He's right, Janet,
it's Saturday.

I'd really like to get out.

Janet, it's our
one day off.

Come on, come on,
come on.

We have to have some time to--

We agreed we were going to work
on the apartment this weekend.

All right, well, I’ve had it
with this couch.

Okay, then we'll do
the wallpaper.

Show it to him, Chrissy.

This should be a thrill.

[ Laughter ]

What do you think of this?

It's kind of plain,
isn't it?

[ Laughter ]

That's the back.

I knew that.

[ Laughter ]

I like the back better.

Alright, you two,
now let's get to work.

I will even give you a choice:
fixing the couch

Or putting up the wall paper.

Or going to the pub.

I pick that one.

Let's go.

Moving out.

Oh, hey, wait for me.

[ Laughter ]

So, once we got past the
breakwater, I said to her,

I said, "what do you say you and
me go below and mess around?"

Hey, that smooth talk
gets them every time.

She also knew it was
a long swim back to shore.

What happened
to her boyfriend?

He's probably still swimming.

[ Laughter ]

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait,

Let's get one thing straight.

This is just
a little work break.

We're not going to spend
the whole night here.

Relax, will you?

She's such a sl*ve driver.

Look, we'll just have a couple
of beers and then we'll go back.

You can work on the walls
and Chrissy and I’ll

Get on the sofa.

What?

To work.

Let's grab this table.

Boy, you know
what Jack's trouble is?

He's just plain lazy.

All men are like that;
it's in their jeans.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks, Jim.

Oh, yeah, they'd like two egg
salads on white

And I’ll have a chicken sandwich
on wheat toast.

Aw, ain't that a shame?

That poor guy got stuck
with two broads.

I think I’ll do him a favor.

You got a good heart.

Yes, just watch the old pro
in action.

Janet, look, fixing the couch
is a man's job.

What?

Sure, men are just naturally
stronger than women.

Oh, here we go.

All through the ages,
men have been the builders,

The protectors, the hewers of
wood, while women

Have sat at home learning
how to put on eye shadow.

Oh, come on.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, honey, buy you a drink?

Oh, no thanks.

Go ahead, Jack,
we're really interested.

Oh, excuse me, well
what I meant was you just

Can't ignore the physical
differences of--

You know I’ve always been
partial to blondes.

That's nice.

Have you thought about getting
yourself a cocker spaniel?

[ Laughter ]

Hey, you don't know
what you're missing.

Why don't you take a walk?

I've got a -foot
cabin cruiser.

All right, take a cruise.

Go ahead, Jack.

Ahead?

Well, what I meant was
is that men are physically

Stronger than the--than the--

Hey listen,
are you with anybody?

I am with him.

Him?

[ Laughter ]

Huh?

Oh well yes, in a sense,
I mean we're all together.

Hey sonny, do me a favor,
butt out.

Listen, I think
I should warn you--

And I think I should warn you,
the last guy who warned me

About something got all
his teeth knocked out.

Oh, well, I wouldn't want
that to happen.

[ Laughter ]

My father paid a fortune
for my braces.

[ Laughter ]

Come on, Jeff, come on, you
haven't finished your drink.

Yes, right, right.

I'll be back here tomorrow,
babe, but don't bring him along.

He frightens me.

[ Sarcastic laughter ]

Well, I didn't want
to cause a scene.

No, no sense in that.

No.

You were
perfectly right, Jack.

I wasn't scared or anything,
he just--

Hey, you did
the right thing.

You stood
up to him.

Yes, and then
you sat down again.

I mean that you didn't
want to cause a scene.

Hi.

HI there.

I'm in agony, Helen.

This tooth is k*lling me.

But does anybody
feel sorry for me?

Yes, Stanley,
you do.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Jim, give him a brandy,
will you?

Sure.

I don't know if I can open my
lips wide enough to drink it.

Could you put it
in a baby bottle?

[ Laughter ]

You're mouth
giving you trouble?

Not as much as hers.

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

You clumsy idiot.

Why don't you watch where
you put your elbows, stupid.

Where do all of these
stupid people come from, anyway?

Stupid?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

You're absolutely right, pop.

Barkeep, give my friend here
another brandy.

We just made
an important discovery.

We just found a man
in this joint.

Makes me feel real good
to see a little runt like you

Stick up for his rights.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Let's see you two are
the egg salad--

Thank you.

And I believe
you're the chicken.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Humming ]

Good morning!

I am all ready and waiting
for my cooking lesson.

Your what?

You're going to show me
how to make a cheese omelet,

Remember?

Not today.

Oh, come on, Jack, please?

Come on, the cheese is ripe.

You'll love it.

What kind of a crack is that?

What?

Cheese.

You mean I’m a mouse not a man,
I get it.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I don't blame you.

Janet, Janet, you've got
to take the plastic wrap off

before you slice it.

Don't you know anything?

[ Laughter ]

Gee whiz, what's bugging you?

I was just thinking of what
a coward I was last night.

You were not a coward.

I was yellow; let's face it.

I've got chicken in my blood.

Aw, come on Jack, cut it out.

Even the kids at school
could spot it.

Fat Kenny Jensen
would thr*aten to beat me up

Every morning unless
I gave him a nickel.

[ Laughter ]

What did you do?

I put him through college.

[ Laughter ]

Aw, come on, Jack.

You did the right thing
last night.

Remember, he who fights
and runs away,

Lives to fight another day.

Will you can it
with the proverbs?

Besides, I didn't fight
and run away.

That's the whole point.

Well, he who doesn't fight
and runs away,

lives to run another day.

[ Laughter ]

I'm going to shave.

Hey wait;

Aren't you going to show me
how to make my omelet?

Me?

I couldn't even beat up an egg.

[ Laughter ]

[ Shower running ]

Who's there?

Oh, I’m sorry, Chrissy.

I didn't know you were in here.

I am taking a shower.

Do you mind?

I won't be a minute.

I'll just get my shaving stuff
and split.

Hey, when are you going
to fix the lock on that door?

Why don't you call a man
to do it?

We've got a man, you.

Thanks for the
vote of confidence.

Hey, you can't see through
this curtain, can you?

No, that's why I bought
this can.

It dissolves plastic instantly.

[ Laughter ]

Jack, I am warning you.

If you--

Chrissy, Chrissy,
I am so down this morning;

I couldn't even raise a smile.

[ Applause ]

Why?

Do you think I’m a coward?

Oh, come on, don't take it
so seriously.

I mean, you did the right thing
not doing anything.

I mean, if you would have done
something, he would have done

Something, and you wouldn't be
able to do anything, would you?

[ Laughter ]

What?

Will you forget
about last night?

We don't think badly of you.

We like you just the way you
are, with a face and everything.

[ Laughter ]

Pow! Pow!
Pow, pow, pow, pow!

Oh, here's your Sunday
breakfast, Stanley.

Look, Helen, I still got it!

Where?

Where?

[ Laughter ]

You saw how I stood him up
to him, eyeball to eyeball.

Eyeball to navel, you mean.

He was shaking, Helen.

He was trying to control
his laughter, Stanley.

He apologized.

Yes, he was afraid of what might
happen if he hit you.

I know what would have happened.

Yeah, I know what would
have happened, too.

I'd have been able to buy that
black nightgown after all.

[ Laughter ]

See what you did?

You brought the pain back.

Oh, I’m sorry, Stanley.

I thought you were
very brave last night.

Thank you.

Where's the Sunday paper?

Oh, it hasn't come yet.

Maybe I made
the sports page.

[ Laughter ]

Or the funnies.

[ Laughter ]

That's funny, really funny.

Any coffee left?

Yeah.

Hey, how come we got
the Sunday paper delivered?

We don't have a subscription.

Well, I don't know.

I heard it land
on the front balcony

This morning so I went out
and got it.

Oh.

You know, that paper
boy was so thoughtful.

He waited for me to bend over
and pick it up

Before he rode away.

[ Laughter ]

You enjoying the funnies, Jack?

Yeah.

Oh.

That's good.

I'm glad you
found something

To take your mind
off last night.

There's this little guy,
you see,

And he's being tormented by his
foreman who's this big bully--

[ Laughter ]

And then over here,
the little guy dumps

A can of paint
on the bully's head--

[ Laughter ]

And why couldn't
I have done that?

Because you can't draw.

[ Laughter ]

Besides, it's pretty
hard to find

A can of paint
in a pub.

All over the world, little guys
are standing up to tyrants,

But not me.

Well, I hate v*olence.

In fact, my father always
told us in his sermons,

"He who lives by the sword,
shall die by the sword."

Yeah, well you can tell your
father that if I had been David,

Goliath would still
be alive today.

[ Laughter ]

[ Doorbell ]

Come on, Jack, will you
stop putting yourself down?

If I had any guts
I would have rung his neck.

I would have stood up to him
and torn him apart.

[ Laughter ]

Good morning.

I was wondering
if my Sunday paper

Was delivered here by mistake?

[ Laughter ]

Your Sunday paper?

Yeah, you know I love to look
at the funnies over breakfast,

Especially "Andy Capp."

Now there's a guy that knows
how to treat the women.

He cracks me up.

Ah, well, here's most of him.

[ Laughter ]

Why would anybody do this
to Andy Capp?

Oh, Mr. Roper,
it was an accident.

Where's the rest of the paper?

Well, I think it's in the--
Excuse me, I think it's

right in here.

Roper's paper--Oh, my lord,
what happened?

Roper?

I knocked the coffee pot over.

Well, he's right out there.

Listen, will you hurry?
I got to--

[ Laughter ]

It was an accident.

[ Laughter ]

What am I supposed to do
with this?

Well, maybe if Mrs. Roper
put it in the dryer?

[ Laughter ]

You ruined my Sunday,
I hope you realize that.

[ Laughter ]

Mr. Roper,
we're really sorry.

Look, to make up for it,
why don't I buy you a beer

down at the pub tonight?

You're not going to go down to
the pub again tonight--

What?

Oh, hey, I was thinking
it would be so great

To stay home tonight and relax.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, I heard about you
and that fellow.

You know, he never should have
picked on somebody like you.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Well, you could never get
into a fight;

It would ruin your nails.

[ Laughter ]

You know,
Jack did the right thing.

Fighting's uncivilized.

Yeah.

You know,
if women ran the world

There'd be none
of these stupid wars.

Yes, all the countries would nag
each other to death.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Say Mr. Roper?

Yes, tinkerbell?

I'm Jack.

My name is Jack.

Oh, I’m sorry, Jack.

Oh, Helen, Helen, listen.

I was just telling
all the girls here

That if they need protection
they know where to come.

Oh, yeah.

Look, Stanley, I finally got
your dentist

On the phone and he says
he can take you right now.

Oh, oh.

Oh, no.

He says it's very simple.

One quick yank--

[ Frightened yelling ]

Oh, now, don't you fuss.

If you're good he'll probably
give you a lollipop.

Three beer's, Jim.

No wait, make mine a whiskey.

Boy, this is so crazy
coming here.

What's he trying
to prove, anyway?

Oh, I know what he's up to.

See, if that big creep hits him
and puts him in the hospital,

He won't be around
to help us redecorate.

[ Laughter ]

Ahhhh.

Has Kong been in here tonight?

[ Laughter ]

No, I don't think he'll be
around tonight.

Oh, good.

I mean good for him, I mean.

Hey, let's just drink up and
get out of here really quick,

Just in case, okay?

Chrissy, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

[ Laughter ]

John Wayne rides again.

[ Squeal ]

[ Laughter ]

You know, Janet and I
will respect you a lot more

If you don't fight him.

It will show that you are
more a man than he is.

More a man, really?

Yes.

Well, if he comes up
and apologizes I might let him

Off the hook, after all,
I am a civilized kind of--

There he is.

Wha--?

[ Laughter ]

Two beers.

Hello, sweetie.

[ Laughter ]

That does it,
he's asking for it.

And you're
going to get it.

He only said hello.

Yes, but the way he said it,
"hello, sweetie."

[ Laughter ]

Don't go up there.

I'm going to order
some sandwiches.

No, I will go.

You stay right here.

If he starts anything, there's
going to be serious trouble.

Hi.

I wanted to talk to you
about my friend.

Yeah, she's neat.

[ Laughter ]

The four of us could
have a good time.

Do you want me to get rid
of that jerk for you?

The jerk is the friend
I was talking about.

He's going to knock
your block off.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, that does it.

He's only laughing, I mean Janet
is funny sometimes, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Well, why isn't he laughing now?

Is he insulting you?

No.

Well, he insulted you and
Chrissy last night and well--

Well what?

Well, I think, you know,
you owe someone an apology.

What?

Hey man, you behaved
like a creep in here last night,

Insulting women, spoiling
people's evenings out,

Knocking drinks over.

Oh, I’m really sorry--

[ Laughter ]

Listen--

No, I’m not sorry.

I'm glad I did that and I got a
suggestion for you, big man.

Why don't you bug out, leave,
vamoose, or I’ll waa!

[ Laughter ]

Okay, okay, I’m sorry.

Just don't get mad.

[ Laughter ]

Is he gone?

He sure is.

You were
fantastic.

Jack, you were terrific.

Come on, let's go back to the
table and finish our drink.

I don't think I can move.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, okay.

[ Laughter ]

Here you go, Jack,
on the house.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, I didn't know about that
steel plate in your head.

[ Laughter ]

What plate?

The one you got saving
your platoon in Vietnam?

Viet--?

Janet.

Oh, well, I kind of told that
to the creep

So he'd think twice
before k*lling you.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks a lot,
now I feel like a fool.

Oh, well you shouldn't.

You were very brave.

Brave?

Well, yes, I mean,
you stood up to that guy

Even though you thought
he might m*rder you.

That's true I did, didn't I?

Oh, you sure did.

I guess I was a hero even
if I didn't go to Vietnam.

What's that?

Cambodia.

It was Cambodia.

I had a grenade in my hand and--

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Music ]

Three's company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

[ Music ]