05x22 - Bygones

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ally McBeal". Aired: September 8, 1997 – May 20, 2002.
Ally is a young attorney who joins a prestigious law firm with a highly sexual environment and whose staff includes Ally's ex.
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05x22 - Bygones

Post by bunniefuu »

I'm not sure how it all started.

Hey! I quit!

This is perfect. I just
started my own practice.

- You will join us today!
- I'm married.

- Bygones.
- Bygones.
- Bygones?

- Snappish.
- Chinese wattle.

- Bitch.
- Man.

Bite my head off.


- Dink!
- Hit me.

Anything can happen
around here, Ally. You

keep forgetting we
don't live in a real world.

♪ Even now ♪♪

Oh, balls. Move on.

Who the hell is SpongeBob?

Res ipsa de facto. Quid
pro quo. E pluribus penis.


Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!

- Do my knee.
- I'm pregnant.

- She has a...
- Penis! Penis! Penis!

My first, my last ♪

- You're a wacko!
- Your plumbing's old.

- You're fired.
- I'm done!

Do you know what
you're doing? I do.

- Hello!
- I'm your daughter.

A serial dater?

That's what I've become. I've
gone out with every guy in Boston.

And not one of them worked out?

Besides Larry? Well, except
Greg, until Renee stole him away.

Your roommate
stole your boyfriend?

Well, sort of. They-They
sang a song together.

They sang a song?

Come on.

Huh. 100.2.

You know, I wonder
if you do have strep,

and that's why this
just seems to recur.

Huh. All right. Up to bed we go.

Mmm. Do you, uh... Do
you still feel nauseous?

Not as much. Oh, wait.
Let me get the Motrin.



I don't feel so...

Maddie! Oh, my... Maddie?


♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love
has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

I'm fine. This is
so embarrassing.

Honey, just-just-just
try to stay calm, okay?

Ally, I'm calm. You're the one
who called the f*re department.

Well, everything seems perfectly
normal. She's not running a fever.

Well, then why did
she faint? Well, um...

Either she's had some
sort of panic att*ck, or...

Or-Or what? She's pregnant.

Did you hear me?


All right. Everybody, uh,
here? Uh, seats, please.

- I-I have an announcement.
- Oh, don't tell me.

You're changing the name
to Fish, McBeal and Bump.

Oh. That hurts my
feelings, Morgan.

I apologize, Debbie.

Uh, n-never mind. Actually,
Nelle, uh, you're close.

Uh... Well, I'm
just gonna... say it.

I'm taking Liza
for my first wife.

And I'm taking Richard
for my very first husband.

We're getting married.

- You've got to be kidding.
- Well, we're in love now.

- Why not commit for now?
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Just... one second.

Now, you-you two
are getting married?

Well, you know
what they say, Ally.

After the age of 30, you have a better
chance of being struck by lightning.

Now, uh, the date is June
8, so save the day and night.

- Uh, big party.
- Gaudy.

- This June?
- What's the rush?

We thought it best to do
it while we're still in love.

- It'll be funner.
- So what are you two? Like, nuts?

Look, obviously, a lot of you have
doubts, and I can understand that.

But the-the truth is,
and studies prove it,

most couples' sexual passions begin
to wane before they actually marry.

Liza and I want to be husband
and wife for the sexual peak years.

Is it a gamble? Of course.
But what is love if not a risk?

And should it fail
for some reason...



She's being socially battered.

Socially battered? Do you know
what relational aggression is?

Well, I, um... Uh, no.

Well, it's complicated. But
for the sake of simplifying it,

while boys bully with fists, girls do
it with gossip, exclusion, put-downs.

With boys, it's the enemies doing
the damage. With girls, it's the friends.

And the scars go much deeper.

And girls, in a
word, are vicious.

It's causing your daughter a
tremendous amount of stress.

Hmm. Well, she-she
hasn't... said anything.

They never do. Maddie was
involved in a three-way last night.

Do you know what a three-way is?

Ms. McBeal?

Well, y-yeah. Uh,
it's-it's when, um,

three people engage in-in-in...

A phone call. A phone call.

Two friends conspire
against a third.

Last night, Maddie
and Myra called Jodi.

Myra didn't tell Jodi that
Maddie was listening.

Then she got Jodi to
talk about Maddie, and...

she said some very nasty things.

That's the game... to
get the unwitting girl...

to talk about the girl she
doesn't know is listening in.

What did Jodi say? A lot.

But, you know, on top of this,

Maddie is feeling
enormously displaced.

She had a lot of friends
in New York. They're gone.

Her father is gone. Her whole life
seems to have been ripped from her.

So it's, uh...
It's-It's serious?

Ms. McBeal, your daughter basically
had the form of a nervous breakdown.

She's 10.

I'm just so caught to the quick.

Marriage? It doesn't
mean I don't love you.

Oh, come on. That's not it. And-And
I want you to... to be the best man.

Richard, do you really
know this woman?

John, every relationship,
it's like a-a cave.

You explore it, you mine it,
but you have to be willing...

to venture into
a little darkness.

That's the... the glory of love.

And with Liza, the-the best cave
is padlocked till after marriage.

Love is the-the key.
Richard, this is serious.

That's right. For
once, I'm being serious.

No, you're not. You're being
insane. This is worthy of Ally.

Are you afraid of Liza
leaving you? Is that it?

That is it, isn't it? Every
love you've had has died.

I want to get married!
You've known her a month!


Talkin' about me? Oh, hi, John.

Oh, so cute.

Look, Liza, I don't
mean to be a stick in

the mud here, but I
have a problem with this.

Now, what are your reasons
for getting married? Oh.

Well, first, if a woman goes
too long without marrying,

men start to think there's
something wrong with her.

Divorcées fare better.

And second, well,
Fishy's so fun and exciting.

Fishy... Listen.
About the wedding.

I don't like walking
down the aisle.

It feels too formal. That's how
we walk into court, for God's sake.

I want to be suspended
from the ceiling.

Uh, the...

If you love me,
you'll say yes. Uh...

Hello? Liza! Liza!

Oh, my dear!

Oh, thank you for coming.
This is Reverend Buck.

He's gonna perform the ceremony.

Richard, great
pleasure. Oh, my son.

I can't believe it.
You're getting married!

She's like my own daughter.
And you're getting married!

It's okay. Don't worry.

Did it happen? What?

I guess it did.

Emotions make him go vasovagal.

Vasovagal? Vasovagal.

That, and laughter. But
he wakes right back up.

Wait. Emotion and
laughter, uh, make him faint?

No biggie. No biggie?

Uh, how can you perform
a wedding ceremony?

Reverend, when Liza and
I, uh, exchange our vows,

when we look into each other's
eyes and express our love,

I can assure you
it's gonna be funny.

You did that on purpose.

What... Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Richard, Ally's
called a meeting.
- Ally called a meeting?

You made her partner. Now
she gets to call meetings.

Oh, well... Um...

Well, where is she? She calls a
meeting, then she doesn't show up.

Easy, little guy.

Don't call me "little
guy," youngster.

Thanks, everybody, for coming. Sorry about
the short notice, but-but it's important.

You're changing hair color?

No, it's not that important.
But, um, I am resigning.

Effective immediately.

- Ha, ha.
- No, I am.

Maddie's having emotional
problems, so I've decided...

to take her to New York so
she can be close to her friends.

And my house is on the market
if anybody's interested, and, um...

Well, that's it.

All I ever wanted was-was to
be rich and to be successful...

and to have three kids and a husband
who was waiting home for me at night...

to tickle my feet and-and...

And look at me!
Look at how I've...

I don't even like my hair.


Are you all right?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm fine.

I can see you're not.

You just announce
that in the staff meeting?

Well, uh, what did
you want me to do?

Call everybody in one by one?

You could've called
me in. You owe me that.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello. I'm Claire Otoms.

Uh, A-Ally? Uh-uh,
Richard. Not now.

Never mind "not now." You don't
just announce you're leaving and then...

I said not now. When then?


I don't care! This
is way too rash.

Oh, don't-don't lecture
me on rash, Mr. Groom.

At least take some time to think this
through... No. I don't have any time.

Why? Because Maddie's missing her
friends? No, no! Maddie is cracking up.

Well, it could be genetic.
Richard, she's falling apart.

The doctors are telling
me that it is serious.

Her emotional health is
affecting her nervous system.

She needs to go back to New
York, and I need to go with her.

And I...

I just really need you
to accept this, Richard.

What about... your career?

Well, they-they...

They have law
firms in-in New York.

You know, it could be
temporary. Maybe I'll be back...

It won't be temporary. You wouldn't be
resigning if you thought it were temporary.

I want you at my wedding.

I'll be back. In three weeks?
Suppose Maddie's sick?

She won't be. I just
talked it over with Liza.

We can push it up. When do you
have to leave? Tomorrow night.

Then the wedding's
tomorrow. Oh, Richard.

We'll have a small ceremony right here
in the office, do the church thing later.

Richard, you don't have to have a
ceremony... I want you at my wedding.

I will be back.
Suppose Maddie's sick?

She is not that sick.

Well, we'll have a small
ceremony... here, tomorrow.

And if possible, you can come
back, uh, for the church thing...


But we're exchanging
vows... tomorrow.

Tomorrow? I know. I
know. It's insane. But...

They're gonna have a
reception at the bar afterwards,

and then I'm gonna come back here,
and we're still gonna make our flight.

- Why do we have to rush?
- Because Dr. Winston thinks
it's very important...

for you to go to school
now before summer break...

so you can reconnect
with your friends.

♪ Ooga, chucka ooga, ooga ♪

♪ Ooga, chucka ooga,
ooga ooga, chucka ♪

♪♪ Oh, no. No, no. What?
What? What, you think you're funny?

No, no. No, no, no.
And-And-And you? This...

This is not your moment. Okay?

And-And you... You're not...
You're not even from New York.



Who-Who are you talking to?

Oh, just, uh, one
of my fantasies.

You know I told
you I talk to them

sometimes. Can you
excuse me for just one...

One second? ♪♪

Okay, if any of you plan on going
with me, you can forget about it.

You can forget about it right now,
okay? Are we clear? Do you hear me?

Oh, brother. You know, this
is just... Well, what? What?

What now? What?

True? True.

Oh, come on, Renee.
Please, don't-don't you start too.

It-It's tough enough as it is.
And, hey... Hey, you and I, Renee,

we haven't seen all that
much of each other anyway.

And, you know, we might
see each other more now...

since we're forced
to make an effort.

So we could kind of look at
this as a... as sort of a reunion.



Would you, I mean, consider me?


I probably wouldn't
consider dating you...

because you're my boss,
and... and we work together.

But otherwise, yeah.

I would consider it.

I'm sure I would... otherwise.

Nelle? Hello.

How long have you been
there? Have you talked to her?

Who? Ally.

About what?

Nelle, we all move on at some
point. Richard's getting married.

Ling became a judge.
Ally's going to New York.

People move on. It's part
of life. People move on.


Why are you in
this... This thing?

Uh, emotion makes
him go vasovagal.

Vaso what? Not to worry.

The robe will cover the harness.

If I should black out, just
give it a quick, short, stiff tug.

- This is ridiculous.
- The harness keeps me
from falling.

The tug wakes me up.
It's so I won't miss a b*at.

Am I the best man, or the
designated rope tugger?

- You're both! Just do it!
- Richard, come here.

This is either an
example of your newfound

maturity, or your dumb
stick's defining moment.

John, truly. Have I
ever made sense to you?

Yes. It's always been
about the money. Exactly.

This time, it-it isn't. You know,
lots of people elope on a whim.

I just want to do it
with my friends there.

And Ally there. Ah!

Hey. Hey.

So, are... are you ready
for the wedding? Oh, yeah.

We've had some fun times
in here, haven't we, Renee?


Remember when you lost the bet,

and you had to get up
there and tell the dirty joke?

Oh, God!

First flea goes, "Well,
okay. Why are you cold?

Didn't you do what I said?" And the second
flea says, "I did exactly what you said.

"I went into a bar. I
had a couple of drinks.

"I climbed right up the leg
of a beautiful stewardess.

"I nestled in, and I
passed out all snuggled up.

"And the next thing you know, I
am zoomin' down the freeway...

in the mustache of some
guy on a motorcycle."

That was terrible. Oh!

Hello, Renee. Are we
doing one-on-ones now?

Oh, Elaine.

The wedding's about to
start. You're wanted upstairs.

Do you, Richard, take Liza to be your
wedded wife? To have and to hold...

Why is the minister
in a cage? Shh!

- You "shh!"
- Am I underdressed?

Shh! You look like a float.

- Shh!
- To love and
to cherish always?

I do.

And do you, Ally, take
Billy, Larry, Victor...

Whoever... To be
your wedded husband?

To have and to hold
from this day forward,

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish always?

Duh. That's why I'm here.

Hello? Hello, dear.

Now, you each have a ring.
You have written your own vows.

Would you care
to go first, Liza?

Richard, I know everyone
thinks I'm getting married...

because I'm sick
of being a virgin,

and 'cause I wanna have
sex in keeping with my values.

But... the truth is...

I really do love you.

I'm not a person
who loves easily,

if at all.

But, Richard, I love you.

That was beautiful.

- Richard?
- Oh, uh, yes. Um...

I think the-the question
on a lot of your minds, uh,

since we haven't known
each other too long,

will we be having
safe sex tonight,

or will we, because
we're husband and wife,

automatically donate
the Trojans to a shelter?

Well, the truth is,

safe sex has always
been easy for me.

Safe love... That's
something different.

Then I met you...

Someone who's
just as afraid of it.

Just as outwardly...
dismissive of it.

But inside, just
as desperate for it.

Uh, I-I think, uh, one
of the reasons I, um...

I wanted to, uh,
get married today,

there's a risk that Ally might
not make it back in June.

And I was, uh...

I was unwilling to
assume that risk.

Ally, uh, the
Biscuit said that...

my marrying Liza
today was worthy of you.

And... I would agree.

Without your influence, I don't
think I would be open to the...


the insanity that's just caused
me to go with what I feel.

And I know what I feel.

I love you, Liza.

And I'm betting on
that love, as new as it is.

With this ring,

I give you something
I've never given anybody...

My heart.

And with this ring,
I give you mine.

What God has joined together,
let no man tear asunder.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you Mr. and Mrs. Richard Bump!

Kidding! Fish. Fish.

♪ I know something about love ♪

♪ You've gotta want it bad ♪

♪ If that guy's got
into your blood ♪

♪ Go out and get him ♪

♪ If you want him to be ♪

♪ Every part of you ♪

♪♪ Stranger.

Georgia! Hey!


So he actually got married?
Yes, he did, an hour ago.

And-And he's...
He's still married.

What is going on?
Well, you know what?

They really do love each
other. Evidently, it happens.

And you? Oh, you heard.

I did. She just needs to
be in her old environment...

you know, at least for now.

It's not like I've been seeing
that much of you, but...

I mean, to think that you're
moving away. I know. I know.

You know what? Oh!

We shouldn't think
about it tonight.

Tonight is Richard's night,
and we should... celebrate.

Okay. So... cheers.

Oh. Cheers.

♪ It's been that way
for man and woman ♪

♪ Hey, they were created ♪

♪ To make love their destiny ♪

♪ Why should true
love be so complicated ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪



♪ He met Marmalade
down in old New Orleans ♪

♪ Struttin' her
stuff on the street ♪

♪ She said Hello, hey, Joe ♪

♪ You wanna give it a go ♪

♪ Gitchi, gitchi
ya, ya, da, da ♪

♪ Gitchi, gitchi ya, ya, here ♪

♪ Mocha chocolata, ya, ya ♪

♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪

♪ Voulez-vouz coucher
avec moi ce soir ♪

♪ Voulez-vouz
coucher avec moi ♪♪

I just never figured...

you could meet the person
of your dreams at age eight.

Hey. What are
you thinkin' about?

Oh, uh, just, um... stuff.

Hard to say good-bye, isn't it?

Well, it-it really,
uh, isn't good-bye.

I wish that everybody would...
would stop thinking that.

I-I plan to keep in touch.

I meant the room.

A lot happened in this office.

Well, what do you mean?

Just... stuff happened.

A lot of memories.


Well, you know, a
room is a... is a room.

You know. Four walls.


Well, I'll give you some
time with these... four walls.

Larry, you've only seen the tip of
the neurotic iceberg. I'm demented.

- What else?
- Self-absorbed.

What else? Vain.

What else?

Maybe incapable of
letting myself be loved.

That we need to work on then.

Um, Ally?

John! Hey.

I thought you were avoiding me.

Me? No. Well, we...

We haven't talked about this.

Well, it's...

I mean, there's
nothing really to say.

I know why you're leaving.

I know it's the right decision.

You know... how I
feel about you leaving.

So I guess there's no
need for... for words.

Maybe not.

You're the soul of this place.

In some way, you've
become the soul of all of us.

And I am afraid of what
will happen when you go.

I think you underestimate
your own soul, Mr. Cage.

I do have a parting gift.

Um... It's a necklace.

A friend of mine designed it.

It's remains of
the Trade Center.

I figured it was
fitting, since you're...

It's beautiful.

I'm sure it will look
beautiful on you.

Well, I was right. Thank you.



I know.

Well, there's probably a
party going on downstairs.

I think we should join them.




It's their first match.
Possibly, their last.

They really got it
together, didn't they, baby?

Nothing but Richard and Liza.

They really, really got
it together, didn't they?

And isn't that nice?

♪ You're the first my last ♪

♪ My everything ♪

♪ The answer to ♪

♪ All my dreams ♪

♪ You're my sun my moon ♪

♪ My guiding star ♪

♪ My kind of wonderful ♪

♪ That's what you are ♪

♪ I know there's only ♪

♪ Only one like you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ There's no way ♪

♪ They could make two ♪

♪ You're all I'm livin' for ♪

♪ I'll keep you forevermore
You're the first ♪

♪ The last ♪

♪ My everything ♪

♪ And with you, I've found ♪

- Oh, my God!
- ♪ So many things ♪

♪ A love so new only you ♪

♪ Only you could bring ♪

- Did you get him for me?
- I did. For you and Debbie.

Well, it's a party
now. Yes, it is.

Won't you miss this?

I never said I wouldn't miss it.

Come on. Let's dance.

Oh, come on, Nelle.
♪ So many ways ♪

♪ That I can love you, baby ♪

♪ I will love you until ♪

♪ Until the day I die ♪

♪ You're all I'm livin' for ♪

♪ Your love I'll
keep forevermore ♪

♪ You're my first my last ♪

♪ My everything ♪

♪ I've seen so many ways ♪

♪ That I ♪
♪ Will love you, baby ♪

♪ I will love you until ♪

♪ Until the day I die ♪

♪ You're all I'm livin' for ♪

♪ Your love I'll
keep forevermore ♪

♪ You're my first ♪

♪ My last My everything ♪♪



- What time's your flight?
- At 10:00.

Yeah, I-I guess I'm gonna
have to leave pretty soon.

Uh, you don't mind if I take your office,
do you? It has better light than mine.


Listen, Ally, I know we've
had our differences. But I...

Is there anything I need to know
in particular about your office?

Just that it's lucky.


Good. That's, uh...
That's good to know.

♪ Here's a photo
I've been looking for ♪

♪ It's a picture of
the boy next door ♪

Ally, uh... You all right?

Yeah, I-I just need
to get some air.

♪ Never knew it till
he moved away ♪



You okay?


Well, I must not be okay.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

I summon you up
whenever I'm-I'm...

You know, I'm-I'm... I'm fine.

How can I help you?

Living without me is one
thing. Living without them...

Maddie needs to go,
and I'm her mother.

You have to do
what you have to do.

Oh, that-that's an
Ally McBealism.

Are you seein' anyone up there?

I'm not supposed to be giving
out inside information, Ally.

But, uh, your life,
it all works out.



It's workin' out, Billy.

It's-It's been... working out.

And you summoned
me now because...

I don't know.

Maybe I need to say
good-bye to you too.

I had a feeling.

Don't ever forget.

And don't... you.

All of my heart.

Forever and ever.

Oh. Hey.

My, uh... My-My
flight is-is, uh...

So I'm gonna leave
now. And, um...

You know, this isn't good-bye. So if
anybody's about to get all emotional...

My dam's about to break.

You know, Nelle, you are
the biggest fraud I've ever met.

You have a huge heart,
and you don't fool anybody.

And... I'm gonna miss you.

Don't, uh, be a stranger, okay?

Like we were this year?


Oh, Richard.

I just... I can't believe that
you got married before I did.


Oh, God.

You see?

I'm sorry.

You know how I feel about you.

Renee, Renee.

It's like you said.

We'll be forced to
make an effort now.

That's right.

I think...

I think I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.

You know, I... I
love you all so much.

Every one of you.

And-And the last
five years have...

I love you all, and, um...

And I'll, uh...

I'll call.



♪ And all those friends ♪

♪ Where did they go ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ And all those friends ♪

♪ We used to know ♪

♪ In the neighborhood ♪

Looking backwards,

many of the saddest times in
my life turn out to be the happiest.

So I must be happy now.

Yeah. This is gonna be good.

Why else would I be crying?

♪ In the neighborhood ♪



You stinker!
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