03x32 - Nobody But a Frog Knows How to Live

[bunniefuu]

Hey, girlie.

Hey, girlie.

- Yeah, you.
- "Girlie"?

- Come here.
- "Come here"?

Yeah. Come here. I wanna talk to you.

Can you believe that?

Come on, lady. What's with this
"snooty cutie" routine?

How much longer
you gonna play this game?

Ain't I been trailing you
the last couple hours?

I'm getting tired
of following you around.

I'm not about to let you alone, so why
don't you make it easier on both of us?

A pleasure.

Good.

Oh, wonderful. Beautiful.
Absolutely great.

Oh, what a relief!

- Relief?
- I couldn't be sure...

until I saw some witchcraft.
Now there's no doubt.

That's ridiculous.
There's no such thing as witchcraft.

What do you call this,
chopped liver?

I haven't the faintest idea
what you're talking about.

Lady, please. I'm desperate.

People who are desperate do not go...
and call other people "girlie."

- I was resorting to charm.
- That was charm?

You're my last hope. If you don't
help me, I'm nowhere. So please.

How can I help you?

By just using your natural talent.

What natural talent?

Being a witch.
Oh, don't try to deny it.

- I know that you're a witch.
- What makes you so sure?

Because I'm a frog.

Please, break this terrible
spell I'm under.

Remove this curse.
Make my life worth living again.

Turn me back into a frog.

Will you stop following me?
I told you, I can't.

Not unless I know where,
when and why...

someone turned you into
a human being.

How do you like this bit?
I'm suffering a fate worse than death...

and this yo-yo wants me to
fill out a questionnaire.

Will you quit fooling around
and make with the hocus-pocus!

You really are outrageous.

As a human being, yes.
But as a frog, I'm a sweetheart.

Wouldn't hurt a fly.
Eat one, yes. But hurt one? Never.

So you'll make like a nice lady witch
and do the allakazam?

- Oh, well, now look. I'm sorry, Mr...
- Finglehoff.

Fergus F. Finglehoff.
But you can call me Fergus.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, Fergus,
but I couldn't even if I wanted to.

- I can't unhex another witch's hex.
- What do you mean?

Well, only the witch that put you
under the spell can turn you back.

What? Congress passed a law? All of
a sudden witches have got a union?

It's a rib. You're putting me on.

I mean, you better be, because
I don't know who put the spell on me.

Fergus, now, that really is too bad.

I'd love to help if I could,
but there's really nothing I could do.

You heard? Now, don't worry.
Don't worry. I'm not giving up.

I will, I will.
Will you quit hounding me?

Okay, okay. Back in the trunk.

All right, sweetheart.

You can play in your room...

and I'll start your dinner.

- Coming.
- Oh, I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, this is 555-2134.

- I think this may be for you.
- "May be" for me!

Boy, you've got your nerve.
How'd you get in here?

Through the door. How else?

Whom should I say is calling?

- What's a "Darrin"?
- Give me that.

I demand an explanation...!

Watch it, fella, or I won't
even give her the message.

Fergus, that's my husband.

- Sam?
- Darrin?

Sam!

- Is that you?
- Who was that?

Who was who?

You mean, who answered the phone?

- That "who"?
- Sam, answer me.

- Is this your husband?
- Yes.

How come?
Somebody put a curse on you?

- Sam, who is it?
- Sweetheart, it's sort of involved.

It would take a lot of explanation.
I'd have to go into details...

which would just take forever.
I'll wait till you get home...

till I can think of something,
and then I'll explain everything.

I demand an explanation now!
Right this minute.

Is it okay with Sam?

You "demand"?

Only if it's okay with you, sweetheart.

Mr. Saunders and Larry
just walked in.

You remember I told you about
Mr. Saunders, our new client?

Your favourite soup, Saunders' Soup.
Fifty-eight varieties?

Fifty-nine coming up.

They wanna know if it's okay with you.

If what's okay?

She says, "Sure." I knew she would.

Sure what, Darrin?

Nice mud.

No pool. Well, just as well.

Chlorine gives me gas.

You're bringing Mr. Saunders here?

And Larry and Louise?

Sweetheart, I think you ought to know
that I have a problem here.

So I gathered. And I'm certainly
anxious to find out who it is.

I mean, I'm anxious
to hear all about it.

So long, sweetheart.

You're sure it's all right?

She's tickled to death, and so am I.

What now?

Mrs. Stephens,
I thought I ought to tell you...

I saw a strange man
lurking around outside.

He's lurking around inside here,
isn't he?

This is Mr. Finglehoff.

Fergus F. Finglehoff.
He's a friend of Darrin's.

Darrin's?

Yes. He's been waiting for him.

He and my husband have been
working together, haven't you, Mr...?

I should say "professor."
Excuse me, Professor Finglehoff.

Unfortunately, the professor
can't wait any longer.

He really must get going.

Darrin's just going to be sick
to have missed him.

That's a shame.

That is the most ridiculous nonsense
I ever heard.

You can lie all you want
about your husband...

but when you talk about me,
make it the truth.

"Professor," indeed.

You expect this woman to believe
a half-baked story like that?

The truth of the matter, madam,
is that I am a frog.

- A frog?
- Oh, Fergus.

You'd think it was something
to be ashamed of...

to make up such a fantastic.

Au contraire, madam. I am proud
and happy that I am a frog.

- Fergus!
- You are?

You see? She appreciates
the predicament I'm in.

Thank you for your sympathy, madam.
But if you don't mind...

we'd like to be alone
so she can turn me back into...

- Fergus!
- Now what?

I mean, really, Sam, you're
getting a little shrill, even for a...

One more word out of you and I'll...

Well, goodbye, Mr. Fergus. Mr. Frog.

I mean, professor. Goodbye.

- Abner!
- Mrs. Kravitz.

Abner!

Fergus...

- you know something?
- No, what?

You're a big-mouthed frog,
that's what you are.

A very large, big-mouthed frog.

Maybe I can't turn you back
into a frog...

but there's one thing
I can do to get rid of you.

I can send you back
to where I found you.

Now, wait a minute, Sam.
I wouldn't do that.

I would.

Now that's what I call dirty pool.

Well, I hope that'll
impress Mr. Saunders.

- Oh, no.
- Don't worry. If that doesn't, I will.

- What are you doing back here?
- I sloshed my way back.

I'm as fond of water as the next frog,
but I like to be prepared for a dive.

- I don't like to be taken by surprise.
- Neither do I.

Hold it. I'll only
work my way back here again.

But this time, it'll take longer,
what with all the stops.

- All what stops?
- In the neighbourhood.

I figure I'll just spread
the good word around...

how the nice folks here have their
own personal neighbourhood witch.

- Who'd believe you?
- Oh, maybe nobody will believe me.

But it'll sure cause a lot of talk.
Make a lot of trouble for you.

Especially if I start with Mrs. Kravitz.

It shouldn't be too hard
convincing her.

We team up, we can sing
a beautiful duet.

Personally, I think we got
a possible album.

- Are you trying to blackmail me?
- Nope. I am blackmailing you.

I don't blackmail that easily.

Honey, we're here.

Except when my husband
comes home with a client.

- Let me take your coat, Mr. Saunders.
- Thank you.

Now, Fergus. Try to be nice until I can
think of something to do about you.

Me? Charlie Charming?

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- This is Mr. Saunders.
- Oh, Mr. Saunders.

It's so nice to meet you.
We're a big Saunders' Soup family.

And your frozen dinners?
All marvellous. So tasty.

And your sauces, your chili sauce!

And your mustard.
It's the greatest mustard.

Let's see. Have I forgotten anything?

- Well, not that I know of.
- Perhaps only one small item, dear.

- What?
- The gentleman standing there.

I don't think we caught his name.

Oh, forgive me. How could I?

Oh, that must be Larry and Louise.

Make yourself comfortable,
Mr. Saunders.

Well, just show me
where the bar is and I will.

Oh, Louise, Larry. Come on in.

- Darrin, it's Larry and Louise.
- I know. We've met.

- You know Mr. Saunders, of course.
- Yes, yes.

Mr. Saunders. Oh, good, Darrin. You
brought the new layouts for the soup.

Well, Larry, Louise...

Mr. Saunders, Darrin...

get set.
I have a little surprise for you.

Will you hurry up?
He's liable to be gone.

If you'd been home when I got home,
we could've come back then.

But no, you were at the dentist, wasting
precious time, having a tooth pulled.

Look. I'd rather have a tooth pulled
than go out looking at frogs with you.

Call me peculiar.

There he is. He's a human frog.

What? What did she call me?

A human frog.
You said the bar was this way?

Sam, what's going on?

He's a human frog.

- Will you please not get hysterical?
- Darrin, what is this?

Larry, obviously there's
some mistake.

- Why, I should hope so.
- Sam, in the name of...

Let me hear you deny it.

Deny that you came right out and
told me that you were a human frog.

I will, indeed. I never for an instant
said that I was a human frog.

I deny that. I deny it categorically,
emphatically and intramurally.

Satisfied, Mrs. World-Champ-
Official-Butt-in-Artist?

No.

Well, why would anyone say that
anybody was a human frog?

Unless, of course, they were drinking.
Speaking of drink...

Good point, sir.

Actually, the last thing any frog worth
his salt would want to be is human.

- What was your name again?
- What was your name again?

I was just about to introduce everybody
when the Kravitzes came in.

I realize how you could've
gotten the wrong impression.

Here she goes again.
Always an explanation.

I was wondering
when you'd notice that.

I'm sure it's a good one.

The professor has been doing
research and experiments.

- Research, experiments?
- Professor of what?

Professor Fergus Finglehoff.

From one of your schools?

No, no, dear. From one of yours.
Don't you remember?

Which one was that?

I must have a mental block.

I went to Dartmouth.
We drank a lot there.

Anyway, the professor did say
that he was interested in frogs.

Oh, sure.

No, that part is definitely true.

Anyway, the professor's been
doing some special research on them.

Well, I'll buy that.

So you must have misunderstood
and thought he said he was one.

- That's strange.
- That isn't. She is.

- Why don't we have a drink on that?
- Sorry, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, don't apologize, Mr. Kravitz.
No harm done.

Speak for yourself. I'm all shook up.
I wouldn't call a dog a human frog.

- Come on, Gladys.
- Someday, somehow, some place...

somebody's gonna believe me.

- That poor woman.
- She is a bit spooky.

Larry, why don't you do the honours
and fix everybody a drink.

- Say, that's a good idea.
- Sure, Darrin.

I'll help Sam in the kitchen.

- What's yours, professor?
- What's my what?

I'll have a double anything.

He is a frog.

Sam, make it reasonable.

Darrin, you remember
the fairy tale about the princess...

that put a frog on her pillow?

And the next morning
when she woke up...

he'd turned into
a handsome prince?

It's the same thing, only in reverse.

I'll bet the princess's mother and
father didn't believe that story either.

Oh, Darrin.
Now, he can cause trouble.

We'll have to go along with him
until I can think of something to do.

And it's dangerous to leave him
out there with the others too long.

You take it from me, buster.
The frogs have it made.

I'm telling you,
frogs know how to live.

Now, professor, let's not talk shop.

About your soup, Mr. Saunders...

didn't I hear something
about a new one?

Yes, indeed. Fifty-nine coming up.

Congratulations.

What kind is number 59 going to be?
I haven't heard.

Nobody's heard.
Happens to be a big secret.

We're gonna spring it on the public
next month...

with the layouts
Darrin's been working on.

Terrific. Think for a minute.

Have you ever seen a frog
on an analyst's couch?

Sober? No.

Please, no more about frogs.

Did you ever hear of a frog w*r?

- Frog w*r?
- Nobody's ever heard of a frog w*r.

About soup, Mr. Saunders...

Sam, I think we've heard enough
about soup too.

Oh, darling, don't be ridiculous.
I'm just dying to hear all about it.

- No, Sam.
- What's number 59 going to be?

Sam, it's a secret. A good secret.

Wouldn't you rather hear about frogs?

- No. Mr. Saunders?
- Sam.

Okay, I'll tell.

Turtle.

Turtle soup. That's number 59.

Saunders' Saut?ed Turtle Soup.

You're gonna make soup
out of turtles?

Yeah. Anything wrong with that?

Well, it all depends.

Do they happen to be
any turtles I know?

I think I need another drink.

Tony Terwilliger, Tubby Sloaner or
Tiny Tuner? Because if they are...!

Sam, do something.

Some frogs never learn.

I don't like the idea
of going to dinner without you.

That's all right. I'm sure
there's a bar at the restaurant.

We can't very well leave the professor.

- He was so embarrassed.
- He certainly disappeared in a hurry.

Did you see the way
he flew up those stairs?

- No.
- Neither did I.

- You missed that?
- So did I. But I don't mind.

Say, what time do the bars
close around here?

Really, Samantha. Do you have to stay
home and babysit with the professor?

Well, since Aunt Clara didn't show up
to babysit with Tabatha...

we really should stay home.

I don't think that the professor
is the babysitting type, do you?

Frankly, I didn't figure out
his type at all.

- See you tomorrow. Good night.
- Good night.

I want you to know that I've
had a perfectly bourbon time.

What are you doing?

I am praying that Fergus
doesn't come up and run into them.

You check the back way.
See if he's there.

Yeah, I told you,
I'm doing everything I can.

But she keeps zapping me
back into that fountain.

Sam.

- Fergus?
- By the gazebo.

Phoebe, will you shut up and listen?

Believe me, pussycat,
I've been after her all day.

Is it my fault if I end up with a
musical-comedy witch, a rank amateur?

I know I shouldn't have done it.

I admit it.
I made the biggest mistake of my life.

What mistake, Fergus?

Why don't you come inside
and bring Phoebe with you?

I'd like to hear about your mistake.

And this is my girlfriend,
Phoebe Plotsky.

Well. How do you do?

Fergus, have you been carrying Phoebe
around in your pocket all this time?

Oh, poor Fergus.

Poor Phoebe.

Honey, I know you can't turn Fergus
back into a frog, but couldn't you...?

Change Phoebe into a human being.

Oh, darling, that's a marvellous idea.
What do you say, Phoebe?

Oh, good. Fergus?

Anything. As long as we're together.

All right now, Phoebe.
You just sit right there. Sit there.

Spirit of the grinch and grebe
Make a lady out of Phoebe

- Fergus, oh, Fergus!
- Oh, Phoebe, baby, sweetie.

Oh, you'll never know how much I...

Hey.

Sam.

What's the matter?

Sam, I don't wanna hurt
your feelings, but you goofed.

- Goofed?
- Sam goofed?

Well, look at her. She's definitely
lost something in the transformation.

She was a sensational-looking frog.

But how can I ask her to go through life
looking like this?

Where's her nice, big, fat neck?
And look at those little beady eyes.

And you call those legs?

Oh, why did I ever make that wish
in the first place?

- What wish?
- Tell her, Fergus.

Well, I heard about this old witch
over near the swamp.

- So I went over and asked...
- Asked?

He hocked everything he owned.

His lily pad, his underwater gear.

Okay, so I bought a wish.

I wanted to be human.

I was a big frog in a little pool...

who thought he could be a bigger one
in a bigger pool.

The only thing is,
I forgot about Phoebe.

It never occurred to me that if I were
turned into a human, I'd be without her.

Fergus, if you bought a wish...

and brought all this on yourself,
there's no problem.

Any witch can unhex that. Why didn't
you tell me that in the beginning?

I didn't think you'd want
to help me if you knew...

what a no-good disgrace
to the amphibian world I was.

Sam, you mean you can
turn him back into a frog?

Certainly, if that's what he wants.
How about it, Fergus?

You mean, we've got a choice?

Phoebe, we've got a choice.

Want a little time to think it over?

Yeah. Just once in my life,
I wanna look before I leap.

Okay, Sam.

Well, have you made up your mind?

But first off, I gotta be honest.

Why, you didn't goof.

She's sensational-looking
in either world.

That's why I insisted
that Phoebe make the decision.

Well, what's it gonna be, Phoebe?

Yeah, come on.
We can't stand the suspense.

Well, we wanna go back.

Oh, I'm glad.
Because you know something, Fergus?

I feel that deep in your heart,
you are first, last, and always a frog.

So all right, already.
Will you make with the hocus-pocus?

From polliwogs come great big frogs
We'll never know quite how

It's easier to turn a bee
Into a purple cow

So hark, ye witches Now pay heed

Reverse this spell
With haste and speed

With no regrets Man into toad

He'll hop the straight
And narrow road

Well, so long, kids.
Been nice meeting you.

Oh, it certainly has.

Don't forget to write.

- Why, Mrs. Kravitz.
- I came to apologize for seeing frogs.

But what am I seeing now?

Oh, these are our friends.

We were just saying
good night to them.

Bye-bye, Phoebe. Bye, Fergus.

Give our love to Tony, Tubby and Tiny.

That's Fergus?

- No, that's Fergus.
- That's Phoebe.

But they're frogs.

Of course they are.
Any reason why they shouldn't be?

Abner. Abner! Abner!

- What?
- I don't know.

Just seems to me
I've heard that scream before.

Ain't love grand?

In any language.