04x07 - Birdies, Bogies and Baxter

[bunniefuu]

Just a half a cup, honey.
I won't have time for a full cup.

Should be light in 15 minutes.
I'm gonna be out on the driving range.

Darrin, aren't you overdoing
this a little?

I mean, what can you possibly expect
to see by the dawn's early light...

outside of a flag?

It'll just be a couple of more days
until Larry and I play with Joe Baxter.

I want to make a good impression.

After we play, then I'll relax.

Well, that'll...

Darrin?

Darrin?

Oh, Prince Charming.

He's a barrel of jollies, isn't he?

Mother, what are you doing here?

Darling, the Rajah of Ramapore...

is having those marvellous
elephant races today...

and I asked the old dear
if I could bring you.

- Mother, we are going nowhere.
- What a drudge.

Thank you.

What's with what's-his-name?

I know he was born tired,
but why is he exhausted?

Well, he's after a very big account,
a sporting-goods company.

And the president of the company
is an excellent golfer.

And if Darrin makes a good showing
on the golf course...

he gets the account.

Oh, you're joshing.

- It's not really as silly as it sounds.
- Oh, I do hope not.

Darrin was a very good golfer
in his college days.

All he wants to do
is get his old game back...

and he'll be happy.

You silly little witch.

Don't you know how it is
with mortals and games?

They're never satisfied.

They get a little better,
they want to get a lot better.

They get a lot better,
they play all the time.

Soon he'll be living
at the golf course.

Which, I guess, is a good deal better
than living here.

Mother, the elephants
are in the starting gate.

Hadn't you better get back to India?

Goodbye, Mother.

Darrin.

Eye of newt and scale of fish

Give this mortal his stupid wish

Let those clubs achieve his aim

Give him back his college game

Darrin?

Fore!

- Do you mind if I play through?
- Oh, no, go ahead. No. What?

I gotta go.

I can get in two buckets of balls
and a fast nine holes...

before I go to the office.

You know, Sam, it really
doesn't hurt getting up early.

- It doesn't?
- No, it makes you feel great.

Sharp, alert. Goodbye, honey.

Darrin, you forgot something.

I'm sorry, honey,
I didn't kiss you, did I? Bye.

I know you feel sharp and alert,
sweetheart...

but you still can't play golf
without your clubs.

Yeah.

- Hello.
- Honey, I got it.

My game came back to me.
The rhythm, the swing, everything.

Well, congratulations.
I knew you could do it.

I told you.
Just a little time, patience.

You can relax a little now, huh?

Are you kidding?
Now I really gotta pour it on.

But, Darrin, you said
all you wanted was...

Honey, I can't let up now.
A, I gotta get ready for Baxter...

and B, there's no reason
why I can't be club champion.

And C, I'll send your pyjamas
to the club...

so that you can sleep
in the locker room.

Hey, honey, what do you take me for?
Some kind of a nut?

I'm sorry, sir.
I can neither confirm nor deny.

Well, honey, I'll talk to you later.

Darrin, you're late.
Now, where have you been?

Out swinging for the old company.

Oh, Larry, I've got it.

I sh*t a 38 on the first nine.
A 38, buddy boy.

I had one out of bounds
and rimmed the cup on two greens.

Great. Baxter's in my office.
We've been waiting for you.

I should have sh*t a 34.

You know that par 5
on the back nine?

Out there 260 yards.

I took out the 3-wood and cr*ck.

On the green,
putting for an eagle.

Yeah, that's fine, Darrin...

I played it with a break
to the left...

broke straight in, so I tapped in
for a birdie. Next hole...

Darrin, I wanted you to sharpen up
your game, but this is ridiculous.

You never were any good
so you wouldn't understand.

That great feeling,
that surge of power.

All right, Darrin.
Come along quietly.

Don't you wanna hear
about the 15th hole?

It was great.

Joe, I'd like you to meet...

Joe? Well, where'd he go?

Just loosening up a little.

Joe, I'd like you to meet my associate,
Darrin Stephens.

Hey, quite a grip
you got there, fella.

Not like our friend
Flabby Larry here, huh?

I make a point of keeping myself
in condition.

He's the brawn. I'm the brains.

That doesn't necessarily follow.

It takes muscle to pump oxygen
and vitamins to the brain cells...

to clean them up.

I think Joe's trying to tell you
you've got a dirty mind.

Maybe not dirty, but certainly
clogged up. Right, Darrin?

Well, can we get down
to business?

Now, Joe, about that account.
I'm very anxious...

- to get started.
- All in good time.

I have read the brochures,
seen the presentation. Very creative.

But I don't feel that I know the real man
until I've played golf with him.

I learn a lot about a man that way.

Especially when I b*at him,
which is usually.

I intend to give you a good run
for your money, Joe.

- Is that right?
- Yes, sir.

We're both planning to learn a lot
from watching you play, Joe.

Why don't you bring your wives
and join Mrs. Baxter and me...

for lunch at the club tomorrow
before the game.

It'll be our pleasure.

My wife won't be able to make it.
She's visiting her mother.

Oh, your mother-in-law's sick?

You have no idea.

Well, see you at the club tomorrow
at 12:30 for lunch.

Good.

It's a custom of mine.

Fattening up my victims
before I lead them to slaughter.

- See you tomorrow, Joe.
- Right.

- Twelve-thirty, right?
- Right.

Bye-bye.

Darrin?

You're not going
to do something stupid...

like try to b*at Joe Baxter?

Larry, you're the one who's been
bugging me to get my game up.

All right. Just don't overdo it.

Well, there's time yet for two
more plays.

We were two points behind.

Tough spot for a quarterback,
which is me.

Now, this is the way
we were lined up.

- Here I am.
- Substitution.

You should be the pepper,
Mr. Baxter.

Well, I like that.
Thank you, Samantha.

Well, I called for a pass play,
green, J5, out 6.

I got a bad pass from centre.

By the time I got control of the ball,
my receivers were covered...

and they were coming in on me.

Gee, Joe, what happened?
Come on, what'd you do?

It was the last play...

the last game of my senior year
at Poly Prep.

We were two points behind,
but we won.

- How did I do it?
- I know. I know. Can I tell?

I got myself loose,
I faded back...

- Are you ready for this?
- He drop-kicked it.

How about that?

Thanks, Margaret, for helping out.
I'd forgotten how the story ended.

Anyway, to me, a sport,
any sport...

is what I call
a dramatization of life.

That's a good thought, Joe.
A deep one.

Maybe we could use it
in our advertising campaign.

Now, just a minute, amigo.
We don't have a deal yet.

- I think it's about time for us to tee off.
- Oh, we've got another minute.

Did I tell you what happened
to me once with Sam Snead...?

Joe, please.
Just go and play, will you?

All right, Margaret.
Well, enjoy yourselves, ladies.

We'll see you later.

- Good luck, sweetheart.
- Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Well, Samantha, what do you think
of Joe's philosophy of sports?

- His enthusiasm is amazing.
- So is his vocabulary.

Men do tend to run with
the conversational ball, don't they?

And I think it's a good idea
every once in a while...

to throw them
for a 10- or 15-yard loss.

You know the trouble with Joe?

He really is as good
as he says he is.

If only he could be beaten
by some Sunday golfer...

maybe we'd have a little more
normalcy in our lives.

There'd be a scream of anguish
heard round the world...

but it would do him
and me a lot of good.

How about that, Joe. I never thought
I'd take a single hole from you...

yet here we are on the 11th tee,
and I'm only three down.

- Your honour, Stephens.
- Oh, yeah.

It was that 5-iron sh*t that did it.

I had to hit down on the ball,
give it plenty of backspin...

so it would hold the green,
yet I had to clear that tree.

We know. We played
the hole with you, remember?

I know, I know. I just can't help
bubbling over with...

Darrin.

Do you mind
not bubbling over on us?

Sorry, Larry.

Next customer.

You're playing over your head.
Now, cut it out. It's bugging Baxter.

Come on. Baxter likes a good game.
He respects a fierce competitor.

Only if he wins. See that he does.

I like that one.

Hi, fellas.
We're gonna be your gallery.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise,
Samantha.

- What are you doing here, Margaret?
- I'm with her.

- How's it going?
- Your husband's doing very well.

He's only three down.

Honey, you should have seen me
on that last hole. I was sensational.

All that getting up early and practicing
was really worth it.

- But he does talk a lot.
- He talks a lot.

Shall we play.

Make sure you miss this sh*t.

- What are you using, Stephens?
- My 7-iron.

You'll never reach there with a 7.
You better take a 6.

Just to show you what can be done
if you put a little muscle into the sh*t...

- I'll use my 8-iron.
- I'll get it for you.

- Thank you.
- It's your funeral.

What a beautiful funeral.

Knock it off, Margaret.

How about that sh*t, Joe?

I think I'll try an 8-iron, myself.

I thought I told you
to miss this sh*t.

- I tried to, but I'm just too good.
- Well, stop chortling.

First person who says
"tough luck"...

gets this club rammed
right down their throat.

You're driving him wild. You're about
to blow a million-dollar account.

- But, but, but...
- Darrin, it's only money.

And what do we need with money?
Two poets like you and me?

You're only two up, right, champ?

I can count.

I'm afraid you're slicing
right into trouble, right into the trees.

And out.

When you're sharp,
everything goes your way.

Or do you suppose it's because
you're sh*t in the pants with luck?

Stephens...

do you inhale or exhale
on your backswing?

I don't know.

Joe, what kind of
a dirty trick was that?

I'm terribly sorry, Darrin.
I didn't mean to throw you.

Margaret, don't say a word.

Try inhaling on your backswing.
It seems to work for me.

I'll exhale, if you don't mind.

I think you can blame that sh*t
on Stephens.

Tate, I'll think of my own excuses.

- Joe, all I meant was...
- It's your turn. sh**t.

Here's mine.

Do you realize I'm only one down?

Yeah.

And you're going to stay
one down.

Darrin, are you sure
you hit this far?

Look, Joe, it went right
in the tin can.

Go ahead and play it.

Joe, would you call
that a natural hazard?

- Oh, I would.
- So would I.

- Larry, can I borrow your wedge?
- Just hit it.

I don't believe it.

I guess you'd call it lady luck.

I guess that makes us even,
doesn't it?

Look, Joe, under these
extraordinary circumstances...

I think the only fair thing to do
is play the hole over.

Tate, the only thing
I resent more than his luck...

is your patronizing attitude.

What I meant was...

What did you mean, Larry?

I'm terribly sorry, Darrin.
I couldn't stop it.

Where did your drive go?

Right down the fairway,
over 300 yards.

I wish you'd cough when I drive.

I'll give that to you, Larry.

That makes a nine for me.

I've got a sure birdie here.

All you have to do is hole out
from the sand trap...

and you've got a tie.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Well, don't choke up, Joe.

All you need
is a little 10-inch putt for a tie.

Will you let me putt?

- Just straight in, Joe.
- Quiet!

Darrin, I am deeply shocked by
your whole behaviour this afternoon.

Yes, that's right.

Your smart remarks,
your frivolous attitude...

toward a man
who is a fine sportsman.

Here's your putter, Joe.

- As Joe said, you can learn...
- Do you mind?

Not at all.

As Joe said, you can learn something
when you play golf with a man.

And I've learned you're not the kind
of man I want at McMann & Tate.

And I wouldn't hire a man
who'd hire a man like Stephens.

What? Actually McMann hired him.

Hold it, boys.

Joe, I have an interoffice memo
for you.

You may be president of the firm...

but it's my daddy's money,
and I own it.

But, Margaret. Maggie.
Midge, honey.

The account is going
to a new firm.

The Darrin Stephens
Advertising Agency.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Baxter.

- And I assure you, that account...
- Wait a minute.

He can't do that.
He works for me.

- You just fired him.
- Yeah, you just fired me.

- It was just temporary.
- It was just temporary.

Well, Joe?

I always said you learn a lot about
a man by the way he accepts defeat.

But I never thought I'd be learning
a lot about myself.

There's one consolation.
The winner buys at the 19th hole.

- Stephens?
- My pleasure.

I don't suppose you'd be willing to
teach me that tin can sh*t, would you?

Actually, in performing the tin can
sh*t, it's necessary to face the club.

There's a wonderful picture
at the Lyceum.

Let's go see it.

You know, Sam, those drives
of mine today...

as good as any
Jack Nicklaus ever hit.

And that 8-iron sh*t
that I laid stiff to the pin...

Arnie Palmer would
take that any day.

And that expl*si*n sh*t out of
the sand trap that broke Joe's heart...

Darrin, I was there, remember?

Wasn't it great? Did you notice
the backspin I put on that ball?

- When exploding from a sand trap...
- Darrin.

- Sam, I'm thinking of joining the tour.
- The what?

I'm turning pro.
There's a lot of money to be made.

We'd enjoy the travelling.

And if I'm as good as I think I am,
we'd be set for life.

Darrin...

I win a few tournaments...

there'll be Darrin Stephens
golf clubs...

Darrin Stephens shirts,
slacks, shoes.

And a Darrin Stephens hat,
size 10 and a half.

I hate to tell you this, sweetheart...

but you didn't make
any of those great sh*ts.

Oh, really?

You knew?

Sam, even in my best college days...

I couldn't sink a 30-yard approach
sh*t out of a can of peanut brittle.

Then you're not mad?

Who could be mad?

It was a good thing you did...

letting the hot air
out of Joe Baxter's stuffed shirt.

I'll get your coat.
We'll go to that picture.

No, no. You just stay
right where you are. I'll get it.

Sam.

So sue me. It was worth it.