01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN:
Just let me check.

[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]

Her th birthday
started five minutes ago.

[GASPS]

Oh, look, Hilda. She's levitating.

ZELDA:
Right on schedule.

Let's wake her up
and tell her she's a witch.

No, let her sleep.
She starts a new school tomorrow.

Besides, the first levitation
is so special.

Yeah. But then
it gets old real quick.

I can't believe our little niece
is growing up.

Wait till Sabrina finds out
what new doors this will open for her.

Wait till she finds out you still get Zits
when you're years old.

Well, we'd better go
before she wakes up.

So sweet.

ZELDA:
So innocent.

Just the perfect little witch.

This is so not me.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Happy birthday, Sabrina.

- And many more to come.
- Many, many more to come.

I got you a little something.

Actually, that's from both of us.
I just forgot to sign the card.

ZELDA:
Hope you don't already have one.

A black pot.

Actually, I don't. Thanks.

- It's a cauldron.
- Wow.

Even better. I can put my pens in it.

That's not what it's for.

Sabrina, we have something
to tell you.

You see, there are two realms:
the natural and the supernatural.

And it turns out
that the immutable laws of--

You're a witch.

- What do you mean, I'm a witch?
- You're a witch.

Now, you're not alone. I'm a witch.
Hilda's a witch. Your father's a witch.

And I suppose
my mom's a witch too?

- I always thought so.
- Actually, your mom's mortal.

You see, that's why you're here.

So that we can teach you
to use your magic.

You know, for a second there,

you almost made me forget about
my first day of school.

Thanks. But now
I've gotta go catch a bus

to take me to my doom.

Bye-bye. Have fun.

And don't make
too many hand gestures.

[CAT PURRING]

My aunts try hard.

But you have to admit.

They're pretty weird.

You have no idea.

[BELL RINGS]

[DOOR BANGS]

Summer's over. Come on in.

I'm Mr. Pool.

[POOL CLEARS THROAT]

And I know you were hoping
I was gonna spend the day

mispronouncing your names,

but instead, let's just jump
right into biology, huh?

The frog
is a cold-blooded vertebrate.

As we dissect this amphibian,
we'll be looking for the kidneys,

the heart and my lost youth.

So if you'll each choose up
a lab partner...

Or I could pair you off by height.

Thank you.

- Hey, you want to--
- Harvey. I'll be your lab partner.

Let's name him Tad.

- Tad Pole.
- Okay.

Hey, thanks for asking me
to be your lab partner.

I know what it's like.
I was the new kid last year.

So can I ask you a question?

Do you ever feel like you don't fit in?

Only all the time. But I don't want
to fit in. I researched it,

and awkward people tend to be
much more successful later in life.

I look at Libby, I see tragedy.

Oh. Look, girls,
you bored your frog to death.

Well, slice and dice.

Ugh. I hate doing this.

If only there was some way
I could bring these frogs back to life.

I think his heart
is some around here.

[CROAKS]

Look, Tad's alive.
How'd that happen?

Ha. It's Frankenfrog. Hey.

[YELPING]

Mr. Pool, ours is still kicking.

[POOL AND LIBBY CHUCKLE]

Mike from Cadaver Shack's
gonna hear from me.

Can you believe
how young the freshmen look?

[CHUCKLES]

May we help you?

I just wanted to wash my hands.
You know, frog juice.

[CHUCKLES]

You know,

if you stink, I'm not sure
it's fair to blame the frog.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, at least
I don't splash on aftershave

to remind me of some boy
who dumped me last summer.

How'd you know that?

I don't know.
My incredible sense of smell told me?

- Heh. Yeah, right.
- Well, I better get going.

Smell you later.

Wait.

Don't come in here again.

From now on,
you use the freaks' bathroom.

[GASPS]

Oh, oh, oh, ah, oh, ah!

Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah!

SABRINA:
Hi, I'm home. Where is everyone?

BOTH:
Surprise.

Oh, look, a party. Sort of.

Oh, look, you put Salem
in a little party hat.

That's so cute.

[SALEM MEOWS]

Here is a present from your father.

An old book. A black pot.

Doesn't anyone shop
at the Gap anymore?

"The Discovery of Magic."

Why'd he give me this?

Oh, that's why. This old magician
looks just like my dad.

Surprise.

EDWARD:
It is your dad.

Happy birthday, Sabrina.

Wow, Hallmark has gone
really high-tech.

- Can he say anything else?
- I'm not a hologram, honey.

- I'm just in a different realm.
- Different realm?

I thought you were
at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

Zelda? Hilda?

Didn't you explain to her
she's a witch?

She doesn't believe us.

Not this again.

Look, I know you went to a lot
of trouble

to set this joke up, so:
Ha-ha-ha.

- Now it's over.
- No, it's just beginning.

You are a witch.

With real magical powers.

And now that you're ,
you can use them.

And you wanted something
from the Gap.

So, what are you saying?
That I'm not who I think I am?

You're not who I think you are?
And my father lives in a book?

- Ugh. Finally she gets it.
- This is insane.

I'm going to my room.
Come on, Salem.

SALEM:
Can you wait till I finish my milk?

- Did the cat just talk?
- Yes.

- And get this stupid hat off my head.
- Oh, my God.

I think we better
let her father handle this.

Ted.

[SCREAMS]

[EDWARD SCREAMS]

EDWARD [MUFFLED VOICE]:
Open me up.

- No.
- We have to talk.

Young lady,
you open me up this instant.

No, I don't want to talk to a book.

Oh, God, I'm talking to a book.

I can't be a witch.

Witches don't exist.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Honey, I know this is hard,

but you just have to accept it.

You're not like other kids.
You're special.

I don't wanna be special.
I wanna be normal.

I understand,
but that ship has sailed.

None of this makes sense.

All these years I thought you were
travelling with the foreign service.

I am. It's just a lot more
foreign than you thought.

And mom?

Has she really been digging
for fossils in Peru?

Yes, she is.

- Then I wanna go live with her.
EDWARD: You can't.

You see, there's a rule.

If you set eyes on your mother
in the next two years,

- she'll turn into a ball of wax.
- What?

It's the way they discourage
mortal-witch marriages.

So is that the reason
why you and mom got divorced?

No.

So do you think maybe
you could get back together?

No.

That's another ship that sailed.

You're gonna be fine. Just take
some time and think about all this.

And if you ever need me,

I'm in the index.

I call.

- Five aces.
- You cheat.

- Do not.
- Do too.

- Do not.
- Okay.

I've talked to my dad.
And I've thought about it.

And I guess I believe I'm a witch.

Good. Because you are.

Hey, you know what?

Let's try some magic.

Sabrina, you stand right there.
Hilda, you stay there.

All right, let's start with the basics.
Orange into apple.

Now, you concentrate and point.

Come on, try it.

Apple, pineapple.

That's very close.

No, it's not.

Try again.

[JUICER WHIRRING]

SABRINA:
I'm not very good at this.

You told me the rd time
is the charm.

You'll learn to control your magic.

At the very least, you'll always
be able to garnish a ham steak.

One more try.

- Salem into apple.
- I think that's enough for one night.

The cat's right. Wrap it up.
You've got school tomorrow.

I'm a witch
and I still have to go to school?

- Mm-hm.
- Unfair.

Hey, maybe I'll turn
Mr. Pool into--

No. Now, be careful pointing
your finger at people.

It could be dangerous.

- You're pointing at me.
- I have the safety on.

[ALARM RINGS]

[YELPS]

[THUD]

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Pineapple?
- You're gonna be late.

So? I'm a witch.

- Can't I just turn back time?
- Uh-uh.

No, a witch can't change time.
That's one of the rules.

- You're kidding?
- No.

- Gotta go.
- You also can't get rid of cellulite.

I got a joke.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Brad.
- Brad who?

Brad Pitt. Is there any
other Brad worth mentioning?

Thank you for coming.
Did you enjoy that pop quiZ?

- Heh. I am so bad at history.
- Me too.

How are we supposed to remember
things happened long ago?

HARVEY:
Heads up.

Watch it with the football.
Are you okay?

Try to live in this world.
Not just your own.

Freak.

- Ahem. Can I sit here?
- Sure.

- How's your head?
- Oh, it kind of hurts.

I'm sorry. You know, I didn't
mean to hit you with the football.

Oh, that was you?

- You have a really good arm.
- Heh. Thanks.

- Heh.
- Oh, do you know Jenny?

You live in the house
with the funny mailbox, right?

It's not our fault.
The people who lived there before us

were actually named
Mr. and Mrs. Hogg.

No, it's cute.

My mailbox is boring.

- It's really just a place to put letters.
- Mine too.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Harvey.

I'm having a party Saturday night.
You'll be there, right?

- Sure. I'm not doing anything else.
- Perfect.

Everyone cool is coming.

Well, that's all.

[GASPS]

Oh, no.

- Smell you later.
- You did that on purpose.

Prove it.

Don't walk away.

I mean it.
I'm not done talking with you.

[ECHOING]
You. You.

[SOUND OF THUNDER]

Twister. Everybody hit the dirt.

[WIND HOWLING]

[ALL MURMURING]

Where did Libby go?

I have no idea.

Oh, goodie. There's a lecture at MIT

on the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.

It's either at or at .

[DOOR OPENS]

I hate being a witch.

I just turned the most popular girl
in school into a pineapple.

- Why?
- It's the only thing you taught me.

Chill.

I can fix this.

Chunks or rings?

- Hilda, there are other ways.
- Wedges?

Sabrina doesn't know
how to seal her spells yet, so...

[CHANTS]
The popular girl is not a fruit

There. All better.

What am I doing in your house?

You came over for a visit.

Ha, ha. I would not.

You did something to me.
You sent me somewhere. Ooh!

It was small
and it smelled like Hawaii.

Look, Libby, I'm sorry. I didn't--

Not as sorry as you will be.

You're an even bigger freak
than I thought

and the whole school's
gonna know about it.

See, my way,
she'd be on a toothpick.

It's over. My life is over. I mean,

it's not just over, it's "over" over.

Oh, stop.

Libby can't hurt you.

She's just one person
with a craZy story.

She's a cheerleader.
Nobody has more credibility.

Only way to make this better
would be to turn back time.

- And you said a witch can't do that.
- A witch can't.

But collectively, we do have powers
that a single witch doesn't.

It's a union thing.

So it's possible?

You can appeal
to the Witches' Council

but they only grant time reversal
in extreme cases.

Like, for two months,
a bunny ruled all of England.

- When?
- See?

Well, how do I get
to this Witches' Council?

It's ten million light years away.

But there's a shortcut
through our linen closet.

Now, the head of the Council
is named Drell.

He's a mean, pigheaded,
power-mad despot.

We used to date.

- I haven't seen him in centuries.
- Not since he left her at the altar.

Daddy lost a huge deposit
on the Parthenon.

Would you let that go?
It's ancient history.

I knew Drell was bad news.

I didn't want that big wedding
with the long white--

Excuse me.
I'm trying to turn back time here.

- Can we go?
- Oh, no. I couldn't.

I swore I would never talk to Drell
again as long as he lives.

Besides, the Council
will respect you more if you go alone.

Now, make a left at the towels
and follow the signs.

And watch out for Drell.

And whatever you do,
don't stare at his mole.

[THUNDER SOUND]

Oh, sorry.
Is this the Witches' Council?

Yes. I don't believe
you have an appointment.

[PAPERS RUSTLING]

[CANDLE WHIMPERING]

Drell, did you remember
to feed the candle?

There. Happy?

I know I don't have an appointment,
but I brought a washcloth.

[SNAPS]

Okay, state your name,
age and request.

We'll see if we can fit you in.

I'm Sabrina, I'm ,
I'd like to turn back time.

Denied. Ha-ha-ha!

Well, we fit you in.
Next order of business.

Are you staring at my mole?

No. I just didn't get a chance to explain
why I wanted to turn back time.

- Let's humour her.
- Okay, speak. But quickly.

Okay, where do I start?

Well, you know, from the moment
I started my new school, I didn't fit in.

I wore the wrong shoes,
which may seem like nothing,

but kids can be so judgemental.

I said, quickly.

[SPED UP]
Libby spilled grape soda over me.

That's why
I turned her into a pineapple.

You don't know this girl.

She can turn the school against me.

[NORMAL VOICE] It's hard enough
knowing that you are a freak

without everyone else
knowing it too.

Oh, the problems of teenagers
are so interesting.

We'll review your case,
then we'll get back to you.

- But I need to know.
- And you will.

Now, go. And don't let the time-space
continuum hit you on the way out.

You love me, don't you, huh, Moley?

[THUNDER SOUND]

Salem, do you think the Council
will grant the time reversal?

I'm the wrong witch to ask.

They weren't very lenient with me.

Sentenced to a hundred years
as a cat. And for what?

I don't know. For what?

Oh, like any young kid,
I dreamed of world domination.

Of course, they really crack down
when you act upon it.

Wow. No wonder you're so possessive
of the sofa.

Mm. It would have been glorious.

Me, as the firm-but-just emperor
of Earth.

Trust me, being a house pet
wasn't even plan B.

Come on, it's not that bad.
You take naps a day.

I can't go dancing.
I can't play squash.

The sound of the can opener
is the only thing

that make me feel truly alive.

Salem,

would you like your rubber mouse?

Please.

Any word
from the Witches' Council?

Not yet. And if I'm going to school,
I have to leave any second.

[TOASTER PINGS]

- That's it.
- That's it?

Careful, don't burn your fingers.

Please, please, please.

DRELL [IN VOICEOVER]:
Request denied. Ha-ha-ha.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry, honey.

It's okay.

Where are we moving?
I hear Greenland's a groove.

Get your books.
You're gonna be late.

You don't understand, Aunt Hilda.
I'm not going to school.

Oh, yes, you are. You can do this.

You can't go through life
being afraid of things.

- Toughen up.
- But everyone will laugh at me.

- Toughen up.
- So that's my choice?

Toughen up or toughen up?

Aunt Zelda, will you help me?

Oh, you know I hate to say it,
but Aunt Hilda's right.

I mean, who cares
what the other kids say?

Actually, Libby thought I was a freak
even before this happened.

BOTH:
See.

Fine. I surrender.

I guess every school
needs a weird kid.

- Might as well be me.
- I was the weird kid.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

They don't "tar and feather" anymore,
do they?

I hated that.

You know whose fault this is?
That jerk, Drell's.

Just a thought, but I bet you could
convince him to change his mind.

Me? I don't think so.

Besides, Sabrina's going to be fine.

Yes, she'll be ostraciZed and reviled.
But she'll get over it.

The wounds will heal,
the scars will fade.

You know I can't face Drell.

Toughen up.

It's payback time, Drell.

I'm coming in.

[THUNDER SOUND]

DRELL:
Hilda, what are you doing here?

Oh! Get your hands off my mole.

Hey, I got a joke.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Brad.
- Brad Pitt.

You told me that joke yesterday.

No, I didn't.
I just heard it on the bus.

Really?

Excellent work, Sabrina.

I cannot believe
you aced the pop quiZ.

Well, what can I say?
I just love history.

HARVEY:
Heads up.

BOY : Nice catch.
GIRL : All right.

[ALL CHEER]

- Ahem. Can I sit here?
- Sure.

That was a great catch.

I was in the Zone.
Do you know Jenny?

You live in the house
with the funny mailbox, right?

Before we get into that, if you're
not doing anything Saturday night,

would you see a movie
with Jenny and me?

Sure, that sounds like fun.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Cool.

So you were saying
about mailboxes?

Hi, Harvey.

I'm having a party Saturday night.
You'll be there, right?

Sorry. I just made plans.

Aw. Bubble burst.

And I bet you wanted
everyone cool to come.

[SABRINA CHUCKLES]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL LAUGH]

I love being a witch. I don't know what
made the Council change their minds,

but I got to do
the whole day over again.

And now the teachers think I'm smart,
the jocks think I'm cool.

Oh, and I'm going to the movies
with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night.

Whoo-hoo!
I'm normal. Gotta go tell the cat.

[CHUCKLES]

- Teens.
- What about them?

Just in general.

Salem. I don't play squash,
but how about a dance?

[SALEM MEOWS]

SALEM:
And once I controlled Eurasia,

I was going to advance on--

Oh, Salem,
can you hold that thought?

I'll be right back.
I gotta get some more milk.

Stay where you are. You're a witch.
Look under the M's.

Wow. Magic milk.

Cool. It worked.

Hey, I could get used to this magic.

SALEM:
Hey, share.