01x02 - Bundt Friday

[bunniefuu]

I don't get it.

I've been studying my magic book
and it's just too hard.

- Oh, here, let me help you.
- Ah. Here's one for silence.

"Affix the taste organ of a humped
ruminant adjacent to one's dentation."

- I have no idea what that means.
- It means:

put a camel tongue in your mouth.

It works, but you find you find out
why camels spit so much.

I think I'd actually rather be
doing my homework.

Sabrina, magic is part
of your education too.

Sure, it's hard work
and it might seem difficult at times,

but with plenty of practise--

Oh, why don't you just get a straw
and suck all the fun out of it.

Oh, you are going to love
this section.

"Magic for Dummies"?

Try this one. It's a hoot.
Oh, it's great at parties.

Oh, please.
That's the oldest trick in the book.

- That's so old, mortals are doing it.
- Let me try.

Okay, here goes.

Abracadabra

Hey, it worked.
I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

Hey, put me back.

My wife, Renee,
is about to give birth.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, relax.

That happens a lot with rabbits.

I didn't know.

As if.

Morning, Salem.

SALEM: Maybe for you.
I'm having a bad fur day.

- Poor kitty. What's wrong?
SALEM: Couldn't sleep last night.

Tried reading the most boring thing
I could find,

but not even your diary
could do the trick.

How did you read my diary?
It's locked.

SALEM:
I picked it with my dewclaw.

So who's Harvey?

- He's no one.
SALEM: Yeah.

No one with the world's
most perfect sideburns.

- That's enough.
SALEM: Harvey and Sabrina,

Harvey and Sabrina, Harvey--

[SALEM GROWLS]

Hey, look, toast.

Good morning. I've got great news.

Guess who's going out with the head
of the Witches' Council tomorrow?

I'll give you a hint.

I don't believe it.
You're going out with Drell?

The big ugly guy with the mole?

Yes, and I'm so excited.

Oh, Hilda, don't.
Excitement brings hope.

What's wrong with hope?

Every time he makes a date with Hilda,
he breaks it.

He did that once or twice
or maybe a thousand times.

But may I remind you that every
time that Drell has cancelled,

he has always sent me a lovely token
of his affection.

- Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.
- Pot roast?

Flowers wilt, say it with beef.

Well, I'd love to stay and listen
to more tales of romance and meat,

but I've got school to ruin my day.
See you.

SALEM:
Harvey and Sabrina--

[SALEM GROWLS]

Now, the use of the cloth napkin
exploded in the early th century.

And since there was no TV, napkin
folding became a popular art form.

Let's start with the Bishop's Mitre.

Why do we have to learn this?

In case our cable goes out?

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

I think Libby and her friends
are talking about us.

No, they're not.
Don't be so paranoid, Jenny.

Paranoid?
They're pointing at us and laughing.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, you're right.
Well, just ignore them.

Are they still doing it?

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi, Harvey.

I'm having a little trouble
with the Bishop's Mitre.

The best I can do is a snowball.

- I can help.
- I'll supervise.

The only reason I took Home Ec
was so I could eat during class.

Coach says I still have to bulk up

and carbo-loading
can get pretty lonely.

We'll keep you company
any time you have to eat.

Yeah, we're good at that.

I'm going to the piZZa place
tomorrow night to force down slices.

- You guys wanna watch?
- Sure. Cool.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Bless you.

Oh, that'll be fun,
hanging out with Harvey.

- That'll be a lot of fun.
- Just the three of us.

Okay, pointy ends--

Do you ever wonder
what Harvey's thinking about

- when he's looking out the window?
- Probably football?

No, no. I bet he's thinking
about nature. Or poetry.

- Or the poetry of nature.
- I'm sticking with football.

Oh, he's so quiet.
I wish I knew him better.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather
go alone with Harvey?

- Just the two of you?
- No. Would you?

- No. I just like him as a friend.
- Me too.

Need help, Sabrina?

Well, I can't really do
that Bishop's thing, but...

I did make a rose.

Oh, look, here comes our fan club.

- Hi, Jenny.
- Hi, Sabrina.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Hey, is there something funny
about our names?

Not Jenny's.

Why don't you guys leave us alone?
We're not bothering you.

You're still breathing, aren't you?

[GIRLS LAUGH]

Freak. Double freak.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

We can't let her get to us.

That's what she wants.

I just wish I knew
what she was saying.

Well, what difference does it make?
Everything Libby says is a lie.

Hey, maybe we could retaliate
by spreading lies about her.

What can we say,
that she's actually nice and sweet?

- Not much revenge in that.
- No.

Face it, the world would be a much
better place if everyone told the truth,

but you can't stop someone
from lying.

Yes, you can.
You can stop someone from lying.

It's right here, Salem.

Truth sprinkles. Do they work?

SALEM: All too well.
It's how the Witches' Council

got me to confess
my scheme for world domination.

Well, do you wanna help me bake,
Your Highness?

SALEM:
Like I have a choice.

This looks easy.
"Preheat oven to degrees."

SALEM:
I don't think so. Check again.

"Preheat oven to , "?!

Aunt Zelda, can you help me?
I'm trying to make truth sprinkles.

Oh, you're using your magic.
Excellent.

Do you want to make them
from scratch or use instant?

There's instant? I'll use that.

Oh, witchcraft in an MTV world.
It's all quick cuts and funny angles.

Now, we keep our potions regarding
openness and truth in a secret cabinet.

This is a very special moment.

The moment I get to see
the secret cabinet?

Well, if you're gonna make fun,
I won't show it to you.

LOUISA:
Psst! The cabinet's over here.

- Who said that?
- Me, Louisa. Over here.

Wow, these walls can talk.

SALEM:
Sometimes they never shut up.

Don't start with me, cat. I've seen what
you do when they're out of the house.

Oh, for Pete's sake,
the moment's ruined.

Oh, neat.

Hey, look at all these things.
Frog lips, freeZe-dried eye of newt.

Hey, are these the truth sprinkles?

No, those are ice-cream sprinkles.
They're in the wrong cabinet.

Hey, Hilda, have you seen
the Jiffytruth?

Yeah, it's in my bag.

I used it last week
when I took my car in for repairs.

Turns out I really did
need new brake pads.

"Jiffytruth, percent refined truth.
Trace amounts of harsh reality.

For best results, sprinkle on something
sweet, as the truth can be bitter."

It is great stuff.

It makes you reveal
your true feelings.

Which reminds me. Zelda,
the postman has a crush on you.

That is not what the sprinkles are for.

They should only be used
in serious matters.

Well, this is serious.
You remember Libby?

Well, she's been spreading lies
about me and Jenny

and it's really upsetting Jenny.

Well, give Libby some sprinkles.

If those don't work, try some
Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it--

Hilda, that's enough.

Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles.

But let me warn you,
the truth can have painful side effects.

- Like what?
- Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.

Sounds like gym class.

[BELL RINGS]

Harvey, you would not believe
what I just heard.

Okay, I'll tell you.

That's not Sabrina's real nose.

- It's not?
- Don't you get it?

She had surgery.

Why? What's wrong?

Never mind.

All right, everyone to your stations.

You know what today is,
it's Bundkuchen Freitag.

It's Bundt Friday.

Get your pans. Now,

did you know that Richard Nixon's
favourite snack food was the bundt?

Oh, he'd eat it secretly
and then deny it.

But if you listen closely
to those tapes--

[DING]

Smell your bundts.

Smell your neighbour's bundts. Mm.

We got really lucky.

Our Dutch chocolate looks
much better than Libby's grain.

You know, I think maybe
I'll offer her a piece of our cake.

- Why?
- Just to show she can't get to us.

You're a much nicer person
than I am.

- Hi, Libby.
- Sabrina.

Do you want to try a piece
of our cake?

Like I'd taste anything you gave me.

What's in it, poison?

No, just chocolate.
Lots of chocolate.

- Really?
- And sprinkles.

Oh, all right.

But I'm not going to start
being nice to you.

That's okay. I just wanted
to ask you one question.

What have you been saying about
Jenny and me behind our backs?

Like, I'd tell you.

Okay, here's what I was saying.

I was saying that her father's in jail
and that she cheats on tests.

And then I threw in
that you had a nose job.

But those are all lies.

- You don't have to tell me.
- What's going on?

I was telling Sabrina all the rumours
we've been spreading about her.

- Why? She's not in the loop.
- So?

And by the way, it was Jill
who made up the nose-job story.

Which is actually very funny
because she's the one who:

- You swore you'd never tell.
- And Cee Cee?

She kisses her Pete Sampras poster
every night.

- That was super top-secret.
- You're a snitch.

I'm gonna tell everybody
about your mom.

Yo, I have a feeling Libby
won't be spreading any more lies.

Are you serious?
How did you do that?

Piece of cake.

Hey, did you see a container
of sprinkles on the counter?

Yeah, Mrs. BoZigian took them.
She got really excited

and started putting them
on all the bundts, then left the room.

Gotta go.

Mrs. BoZigian?

- Mrs. BoZigian?
- Oh, my goodness,

offering free food to teachers?

I'm lucky I didn't lose a hand.

You took our cake
to the faculty lounge?

Yes, and the sprinkles
were a delightful touch.

- Oh, no.
- Is there a problem?

MAN:
I think I'll skip class.

The truth is, I don't want to be here
any more than the kids do.

And I can still make the fifth race.

No, it's fine. And who knows?
It might make the world a better place.

That's the spirit of bundt.

And you say you're a siZe
when you're really a siZe .

Yeah, well, remember when I swore
I didn't kiss Danny?

I did. A lot.

Hi, Harvey. How's your cake?

Good. And you know, I didn't just take
Home Ec because coach told me to.

I like to cook. I like it a lot.

Hey.

- Hey, I saved us a piece.
- Hi.

With sprinkles.

- Well, you go first.
- Okay.

Wow, it's good.

You know what it tastes like?

It tastes like I lied to you yesterday.

You lied to me? About what?

The truth is, I'd rather go to the Slicery
alone with Harvey tonight.

Just the two of you?

I think Harvey and I
might be soul mates.

And you said you only liked him
as a friend, so you don't mind, right?

Yeah. Sure.

Perfect. I'll go tell Harvey
you're not coming.

Sabrina, you didn't get any cake.

No, you know,
I'm really not very hungry.

JILL: Freak.
- Mutant.

Shovelhead.

MAN:
Let me give you the truth, Ricky.

You kids come here,
talk about your futures, your dreams.

But what about me?

You think I wanted to be
a guidance counsellor?

Heck, no.
I was born to play the blues.

[SINGING]
I got no future

And neither do you

Your SAT scores are

Welcome to Loserville

GUY : Come on,
how far did she let you go?

GUY :
How far? I didn't even try to kiss her.

- You didn't?
- No, I'm not ready.

Didn't I tell you I'm a virgin?

- Really? Me too.
- Excellent.

I feel really awkward right now.

Attention, students.

LARUE [ON PA]: This is
Principal Larue. I wanted to announce

that as soon as I finish
this yummy bundt cake

I'm going to the movies,
like I do every Friday afternoon.

And I'm paying for my popcorn
with petty cash. Thank you.

Sabrina. Jenny said you weren't
coming tonight.

Is it something to do
with your nose?

No. I just can't make it.
You and Jenny have a good time.

I'm late for the bus.

Hey, you run funny.

Stop whatever you're doing.
This is more important.

I was on the verge of a major
scientific breakthrough.

Nobody cares.

Which look do you think
Drell will like better:

Tough chick

or damsel in distress?

Tough chick

or damsel in distress?

Isn't there something in the middle?

Like a tough chick in distress?

- Ooh, I like it.
- I hate it.

Why don't you just wear what you
wore last time Drell stood you up?

He is not going to stand me up.

[TIMER BUZZING]

Were you cooking something,
Zelda?

No, Drell did it again.

He sent you a half a pot roast?

That just means
he's gonna be a little late.

Oh, he's so thoughtful.

- Hey.
- Oh, no. You look unhappy.

Tell Zelda. I can't let you
bring me down. I've got a date.

What's wrong?

Well, you were right.
High school is no place for the truth.

People were blurting out their feelings
all over the place. It was awful.

Well, I warned you.
The truth can be unruly.

But don't worry.
The sprinkles wear off after hours.

Twenty-four hours is too late.

Ignorance was bliss.
I was just too stupid to know it.

- Hi, Harvey.
- Hey, you made it.

Yeah, I made it.

- What now?
- You wanna order piZZa?

Great idea.

So this is nice, just the two of us.

Yeah. No Sabrina. It's great.

It is?

Sure, now, we can order onions.

Sabrina hates onions.

But won't it also give us a chance
to get to know each other better?

Yeah. Or we could just play foosball.

I'm not really into sports.
I'd rather talk about poetry and nature.

I'm really not into poetry.
But nature's okay.

I mean, I like going outside.

Me too.

But not when it's cold.
I don't like being cold.

- You see, I'm okay with cold.
- Do you like hot?

- Not that much.
- Oh.

Where is that piZZa?

We haven't ordered it yet.

- Sabrina, may I come in?
SABRINA: Yes. I'm practising my magic.

ZELDA:
Oh, wonderful.

I think I'm getting pretty good.

- Oh, no.
- And watch.

Ta-da.
I think I'm ready for a cruise ship.

Sabrina, it's Friday night.
Why aren't you out with your friends?

- Because.
- You want to talk about it?

- No.
- Are you sure?

Come on.

I think you need a snack.

- I'm really not hungry.
- Eat this.

The sprinkles will help you
uncover your true feelings.

No, thanks.
I'd rather use Lady Bald Spot.

Trust me.

So why are you home?

Because Jenny told me she wanted
to be alone with Harvey tonight

and I said it was okay.

And is it okay?

Yeah, I guess.

No. No, it's not okay.

Harvey and Jenny are alone. It should
be Harvey and me or Jenny and me.

But it shouldn't be Harvey and Jenny
alone without me.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna tell Jenny
just what I told you.

If I can remember it.

- Thanks, Aunt Zelda.
- You're welcome, dear.

Oh, and by the way,

that dress is really ugly.

Slice Number .

This one's for the team.

Look, I made a swan.

Thanks.

I've come to speak the truth.

- Sabrina.
- You made it.

Jenny, we need to talk. Right away.

You should know we ordered onions.

What is it, Sabrina?

I lied to you when I said I didn't mind
you and Harvey coming here alone.

I do mind. And I know you guys
might be soul mates, but--

- We're not soul mates.
- You're not?

No. Harvey's really cute
and he's really nice,

but you can't build a life on that.

I'd be willing to give it a sh*t.

- Are you guys talking about me?
- Yes.

Come talk about me over here.

I was just telling Sabrina what
a crummy time we had without her.

Yeah. She can't even play foosball.

You know, Harvey,
I think I liked you better

when you were distant
and mysterious.

Up close,
you're kind of a loud chewer.

Well, sometimes,
I put little pieces of paper in your hair

and you don't even notice.

Isn't this great? Us being honest
with each other and all.

[HILDA WHISTLING]

Do you love my hair?

I see you went
with the little black feathered thing.

Yes. And now I'm off
to the linen closet

where I will travel to another
dimension of time and space

to have a lovely date with Drell.

- Don't wait up.
- Stop.

I have something to say.

I know I said that Drell
would stand you up

and this date would never happen.

And I was wrong.

I love it when you say that.

- Will you say it again?
- No.

Look, just have fun on your date.

After all you've been through
with Drell, you deserve a good time.

Thanks. Bye. Gotta go.

I don't want to keep Drell waiting.

Although it is kind of a funny image,
Drell waiting.

I just had the best idea.

- I'm not going.
- What?

I'm standing Drell up.

I'm gonna give him a taste
of his own pot roast.

Oh, Hilda. That's perfect.

Those self-help books
are really paying off.

I know.

Now lock me in my bedroom
before I change my mind.

- Now it's two games apiece.
- Hey, Harvey,

before we play again,
can I tell you something?

Sure. Tonight, we have no secrets
from each other.

It's kind of personal,

but I've been wanting to tell you this
for the longest time.

I think you have the world's
most perfect sideburns.

Really?

- Yeah, and one more thing.
- Yeah?

Onions give you really bad breath.

[SALEM GROANS]

SALEM: I wish my fur
had an elastic waistband.

[SALEM BURPS]

Well, stop eating.

SALEM:
I can't.

- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hi, hi, hi.

- How'd it go?
- Great.

You were right,
the truth sprinkles set me free.

Well, I'm glad,
but they weren't truth sprinkles.

Surprise.
I gave you ice-cream sprinkles.

- You lied to me?
- No, I-- Okay, I did.

But the point is,
I wanted you to learn

that the truth is something
you should find without magic.

I can't believe you did that.

I told Harvey he had the world's most
perfect sideburns and I didn't have to?

I am so embarrassed.

Oh, Sabrina. You should never
be embarrassed by the truth.

Oh, yeah?

Then why did you change out
of your dress?

Hey, you guys wanna have
lunch today?

As long as Sabrina comes along.

- Sure.
- Cool.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Hi, Libby.

[JENNY GIGGLES]

So where are Jill and Cee Cee?

Like I care.

We're no longer friends.

Hi, Libby. Nice outfit.

Oh, and I love those pants.
What are they, a SiZe ?

You know it.
So where have you two been?

LARUE [ON PA]:
Attention, students.

This is the real Principal Larue.

Last Friday some prankster broke
into my office and impersonated me.

I, of course,
was at the district office all day

working to make your school
a better place.

Thank you.

You think they bought that, huh?
Oh, no.

I'll miss you, Trisha.

See you soon, Samantha.

Take care, Brian.

Goodbye, Bernadette.

Adiós, Coleen.